101 Things NOT to say during Sex

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitors closet) And they say romance is dead…

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?

Person 2: Yeah.. today

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?


16. On second thought, lets turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope youre as good looking when Im sober…

21. (holding a banana) Its just a little trick I learned at the zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth…

27. Smile, youre on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth…

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. Youre good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I dont know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel…

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldnt work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance…

47. No, really… I do this part better myself!

48. Its nice being in bed with a woman I dont have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people…

50. Youre almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. That you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps youre just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. Theyre not cracker crumbs, its just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you…

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didnt even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession…

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. Youll stil vote for me, wont you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. Ill tell you who Im fanatasizing about if you tell me who youre fantasizingabout…

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please

78. I think biting is romantic- dont you?

79. Q: You can cook, too right?

A: (Whaddaya think Im doin?)

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like…

Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen Fatal Attraction?

83. Sorry about the name tags, Im not very good with names.

84. Dont mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didnt forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?

87. Dont worry, my dogs really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I dont do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like youre enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper…

92. Ill bet you didnt know I work for The Enquirer.

93. So thats why they call you MR. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. Ive slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friends turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses…

99. Please understand that Im only doing this for a raise…

100. How long do you plan to be almost there?

101. You mean youre NOT my blind date?

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