1. The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there, and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
2. Youre very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home,
3. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it is not necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
4. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
5. If staying in a haunted house, women must investigate any strange noises in their most diaphaous underwear, which is just what they happened to be carrying with them at the time the car broke down.
6. If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
7. If someone says, Ill be right back, they wont.
8. Computer monitors never display a cursor on screen but always say:
Enter Password Now.
9. It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations. And none of your friends have to knock when they come for a visit.
10. Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
11. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when theyre going to go off.
12. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
13. If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone around you will automatically be able to mirror all the steps you come up with and hear the music in your head.
14. Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite. And last but not least 15. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

You might be a redneck if…
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

Below are the typical areas of a resume and my priceless secrets for dealing with them. These tips will help crush the competition, get you in the door and put you behind a desk making 50 big ones, plus bonus.

THE NAME – Use the name to your advantage. Spice it up a little bit. Steve Smith goes nowhere fast. But Sir Stephen Smith – now that might turn a few heads. Nicknames also help. Mark Keyboards OMalley is good. Mark Kegsucker OMalley is bad.

THE ADDRESS – Forget your real address. Make a statement instead! Saying youre from the Bronx suggests youre tough as nails. Anyplace in Japan implies you believe in an 18-hour-a-day work ethic!

THE PHONE NUMBER – Skip it. What are the odds theyll call – 1,000 to 1. If they do, theyll probably just catch your roommate somewhere in the middle of his second six-pack. My advice is never put your phone number on a resume unless you want to try some interesting 900 number which might wake up a recruiter or two.

THE AMBITION STATEMENT – Forget the ambition statement. You know what I meanSeeking a challenging IS position using state-of-the-art technology in a high-growth, future-oriented corporation that is doing neat things for the environment. A better idea is to tell them what youre NOT seeking. Not seeking a job where Im paying my dues for eight years, maintaining ancient Cobol code that crashes every other night, slaving for some horrible boss and groveling in the smallest cubicle in the world until I finally claw my way into a lower management position, only to have the company lay off 40% of its work force so that I wind up in some non-critical, low- paying, dead-end, back-office position.

EDUCATION – Dont be afraid of Yalies and PH.D.s. Be proud of where you go to school and play it straight. But just to be on the safe side, send an application to some prestigious high-tech program at a prestigious school. Until they respond, youre not lying if you list under your education credits BA in Watersports Administration, Massatucky State, 1993… and current doctoral candidate, Nuclear Computer Simulation Modeling Fellowship Program, MIT.

EXPERIENCE – Even fresh out of school, youve got to have experience. But dont mention that youve invested in your own relational database or coded an object-oriented commodity trading system… Everybodys done that stuff. Im talking about hands-on experience high-level management, microchip design, hostile takeovers, etc. So if youre a little light in the experience area, dont tell lies. Instead, simply try a bit-more-concise explanation of the experience you do have. For example, if you worked as a cashier at Food Giant, make it, Monitored and troubleshot retail point-of-sale bar-code inventory scanning system. Conducted usability testing for graphical user interface sounds a lot better than played too much Nintendo. But dont try Evaluated remote-accessed continuous-availability multimedia environment. Most employers can pick that one off as watching too much MTV.

THE CLOSE – References furnished upon request? What kind of power-close is that? Let me leave you instead with this recommendation Close with impact. Close with passion. Close with a line theyll remember, like Please, please give me a job. And by the way, I know where you live.

Its not hard.

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they dont want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?

He replies Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.

His father says Thats fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?

Johnny answers Well, so far, weve been lucky …

Q: What happens if you play country music backwards?

A: You sober up, get a job, and your wife comes back.

Yo mamas so fat

– Yo Mamas so fat, she couldnt fit in a satellite photo. – Yo Mamas so fat, shes on both sides of the family. – Yo Mamas so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. – Yo Mamas so fat, when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washingtons nose – Yo Mamas so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes – Yo Mamas so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs – Yo Mamas so fat, when she goes to the beach, kids shout: Free Willy! free Willy! – Yo Mamas so fat, shes got her own zip code – Yo Mamas so fat, people jog around her for exercise – Yo Mamas so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago… – Yo Mamas so fat, if she weighed 5 more pounds, she could get group insurance. – Yo Mamas so fat, she jumped in air and got stuck. – Yo Mamas so fat, when she wears Maclom X shirt, helicopters land on her. – Yo Mamas so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. – Yo Mamas so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a Caution! Wide Turn sign. – Yo Mamas so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house. – Yo Mamas so fat, when she steps on a scale, it read One at a time, please. – Yo Mamas so fat, I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas. – Yo Mamas so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat in the rain, people run to her and yell Taxi! – Yo Mamas so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. – Yo Mamas so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway. – Yo Mamas so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller. – Yo Mamas so fat, when she tripped on 10th St., she landed on 22nd St.. – Yo Mamas so fat, when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up. – Yo Mamas so fat, if she was a superhero, she would be incredible bulk. – Yo Mamas so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall. – Yo Mamas so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts. – Yo Mamas so fat, she stepped on rainbow and made Skittles – Yo Mamas so fat, I guess we know whats eating Gilbert Grape. – Yo mamas so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud. – Yo mamas so fat, her blood type is Ragu. – Yo mamas so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each time zone. – Yo mamas so fat, she stepped on a talking scale, and it said GET THE HELL OFF!! – Yo mamas so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds – Yo mamas so fat, she stepped on my cats tail, now I call him Beaver. – Yo mamas so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas. – Yo mamas so fat, when I climbed on top of her, I burned my ass on the light bulb. – Yo mamas so fat, shes got more chins than a Chinese phone book. – Yo mamas so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. – Yo mamas so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side. – Yo mamas so fat, I ran around her twice, and got lost. – Yo mamas so fat, instead of wearing Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levis 1002s. – Yo mamas so fat, shes got more rolls than a bakery. – Yo mamas so fat, she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her as a new world. – Yo mamas so fat, she could sell shade. – Yo mamas so fat, that when God said Let there be Light, he told her to move her fat ass out of the way. – Yo mamas so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to roll off, I was still on her. – Yo mamas so fat, when I have sex with her, I have to slap her ass and ride the wave in. – Yo mamas so fat, when she bends over, we go into daylight savings time. – Yo mamas so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet dont get wet. – Yo mamas so fat, she bumps into people when shes sitting down. – Yo mamas so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop. – Yo Mamas so fat, her butt has its own congressmen. – Yo Mamas so fat, she needs a boomerang to wear a belt.

Clinton: (C)omplete (L)oser (I)n (N)ow (T)errorizing (O)ur (N)ation

Se encuentra un torero en la plaza, cuando ve llegar a otro matador todo sucio, golpeado, aporreado y sangrante:

¡Ea! ¿Pues que te ha pasado? ¿Te ha cogido el toro?

No, eso fue lo único que le faltó al animal.

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until its his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, How many pounds?

The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.



He then said, Anything else?



The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, How many?



The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.



The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dogs neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, Thats a really smart dog you have there.



The owner said, Hes not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key.