Old and New Jokes

Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they dont want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?

He replies Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.

His father says Thats fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?

Johnny answers Well, so far, weve been lucky …

Q: What happens if you play country music backwards?

A: You sober up, get a job, and your wife comes back.

Yo mamas so fat

– Yo Mamas so fat, she couldnt fit in a satellite photo. – Yo Mamas so fat, shes on both sides of the family. – Yo Mamas so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again. – Yo Mamas so fat, when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washingtons nose – Yo Mamas so fat, the telephone company gave her two area codes – Yo Mamas so fat, the back of her neck looks like a pack of hotdogs – Yo Mamas so fat, when she goes to the beach, kids shout: Free Willy! free Willy! – Yo Mamas so fat, shes got her own zip code – Yo Mamas so fat, people jog around her for exercise – Yo Mamas so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago… – Yo Mamas so fat, if she weighed 5 more pounds, she could get group insurance. – Yo Mamas so fat, she jumped in air and got stuck. – Yo Mamas so fat, when she wears Maclom X shirt, helicopters land on her. – Yo Mamas so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too. – Yo Mamas so fat, the highway patrol made her wear a Caution! Wide Turn sign. – Yo Mamas so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house. – Yo Mamas so fat, when she steps on a scale, it read One at a time, please. – Yo Mamas so fat, I swerved to avoid her in the road and ran out of gas. – Yo Mamas so fat, when she wears a yellow raincoat in the rain, people run to her and yell Taxi! – Yo Mamas so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized. – Yo Mamas so fat, she has to iron her pants on the driveway. – Yo Mamas so fat, she puts on her lipstick with a paint-roller. – Yo Mamas so fat, when she tripped on 10th St., she landed on 22nd St.. – Yo Mamas so fat, when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up. – Yo Mamas so fat, if she was a superhero, she would be incredible bulk. – Yo Mamas so fat, a picture of her fell off the wall. – Yo Mamas so fat, at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts. – Yo Mamas so fat, she stepped on rainbow and made Skittles – Yo Mamas so fat, I guess we know whats eating Gilbert Grape. – Yo mamas so fat, her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a milk dud. – Yo mamas so fat, her blood type is Ragu. – Yo mamas so fat, she wears a watch on each arm, one for each time zone. – Yo mamas so fat, she stepped on a talking scale, and it said GET THE HELL OFF!! – Yo mamas so fat, the shadow of her ass weighs 50 pounds – Yo mamas so fat, she stepped on my cats tail, now I call him Beaver. – Yo mamas so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas. – Yo mamas so fat, when I climbed on top of her, I burned my ass on the light bulb. – Yo mamas so fat, shes got more chins than a Chinese phone book. – Yo mamas so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips. – Yo mamas so fat, I had to take a train and two busses just to get on her good side. – Yo mamas so fat, I ran around her twice, and got lost. – Yo mamas so fat, instead of wearing Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levis 1002s. – Yo mamas so fat, shes got more rolls than a bakery. – Yo mamas so fat, she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her as a new world. – Yo mamas so fat, she could sell shade. – Yo mamas so fat, that when God said Let there be Light, he told her to move her fat ass out of the way. – Yo mamas so fat, when I finished having sex with her and tried to roll off, I was still on her. – Yo mamas so fat, when I have sex with her, I have to slap her ass and ride the wave in. – Yo mamas so fat, when she bends over, we go into daylight savings time. – Yo mamas so fat, when she takes a shower, her feet dont get wet. – Yo mamas so fat, she bumps into people when shes sitting down. – Yo mamas so fat, when your father mounts her, his ears pop. – Yo Mamas so fat, her butt has its own congressmen. – Yo Mamas so fat, she needs a boomerang to wear a belt.

Clinton: (C)omplete (L)oser (I)n (N)ow (T)errorizing (O)ur (N)ation

Se encuentra un torero en la plaza, cuando ve llegar a otro matador todo sucio, golpeado, aporreado y sangrante:

¡Ea! ¿Pues que te ha pasado? ¿Te ha cogido el toro?

No, eso fue lo único que le faltó al animal.

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until its his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, How many pounds?

The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.



He then said, Anything else?



The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, How many?



The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.



The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dogs neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, Thats a really smart dog you have there.



The owner said, Hes not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key.

Q: Why does a blonde only change her babys diapers every month?
A: The instructions stated, good for up to 20 pounds.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the Presidents staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the mans tractor.

Sir, the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath.

Did you see this terrible accident happen?

Yep. Sure did. The man muttered unconcernedly.

Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?

Yep.

Were there any survivors? the agent gasped.

Nope. Theys all kilt straight out. The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.

The President of the United States is dead? The agent gulped in disbelief.

Well, the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. He kept a-saying he wasnt … but you know what a liar he is.

The other night during dinner my brother told a joke and I laughed so
hard that milk shot out my nose. The creepy part is that I wasnt
drinking milk.

– Dave George

1. Pray here often?


2. I must have great kavanah, because I think my prayers have just been answered.


3. This Social Hall may have been dedicated in 1946, but Ive been dedicated to you ever since you entered the room.


4. Hagbah is easy but picking up a girl like you is intimidating.


5. I see you are using the new linear siddur. Does that mean a lame one-liner might work on you?


6. You are the reason we need a mechiztah in this shul.


7. Since were in a beis knesset, do I have a chance of getting to base with you?


8. The rabbis sermons can put people to sleep. Care to hear his shiur together?


9. You know, I had my bris down the hall in this shul. Want to see where?


10. Dont let my tallis-bag fool you — I got it for my Bar-Mitzvah.


11. This kiddush ginger-ale is quite flat. Unlike you.


12. Just like the Ner Tamid, my love for you burns eternal.


13. Isnt this conspicuosly funny


14. Like the tenth man to make a minyan, you…complete…me.


15. You had me at Adon (Olam).


16. Like an incoherent chazzan, Id like to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.


17. I think Ive lost my page number. Can I have yours?


18. Wont you bimah, bimah baby tonight.


19. I may bless God that He did not make me a woman, but Im sure glad He made you one!


20. You know, I think you owe me a back rub; my neck is sore from noticing you up in the womens section all morning…


21. I notice that your Artscroll Siddur is dog-eared at Tehillim. Could I be what youve been praying for?


22. The Tenth Commandment prohibits us from coveting our neighbors property. I sure hope you live across town!


23. You must feel fortunate to have a minyan wherever you go, cause baby, youre a 10!


24. Do you wear a hat to shul even in warm weather? Would you like to?