I didnt fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” said the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture.” the man said.

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.

“My wife.” said the man.

A Finn and a Swede were having an argument on whos mother tongue was the more beautiful of the two.

As they were unable to reach an agreement, they decided to ask an English linguist to act as a neutral expert judge on the matter.

The renown researcher asked both parties to translate the following verse by Percy Shelley to their respective languages:

Island, island,

Grassy island,

Grassy islands bride.

The Finn answered first. His translation was:

Saari, saari,

Heinäsaari,

Heinäsaaren morsian.

Then came the Swede:

Ö, ö,

Hö ö,

Hö ös mö.

You might be a redneck if youve ever bought a used hat!

See you next month!

A Networkologists Christmas

Tis the night before Christmas, I thought with a frown. I was stuck at the office. The network was down. The routers were hung in the closet. All crashed. Their tables had holes in their data. All trashed.

Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun, Had erased DLLs Windows needed to run On 84 desktops way down in accounting. I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting.

When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter, I saw that a server had something the matter. There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive. No problem, I thought. Im set up with RAID

5.

But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable Had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable! No problem, I thought. Ive tape backup to thank. And then I discovered my backups were blank.

The UPS burped, and its lights all went out. I started to scream! I started to shout! But nobody heard as I vented my rage. My gurus were all on vacation those days.

And nobodys tech support answered the phone. I was nose deep in trouble, completely alone. When out at reception, I heard a soft knock. As the hands just touched midnight on my desktop clock.

Whats your problem? he asked. Never mind, friend, I know. I checked out your network five hours ago. I did some proactive analysis, so

I knew that this time bomb was going to blow. Who was this guy? Who did he think he was? He was dressed in red coveralls, white beard, black gloves. His eyes had the twinkle of technical genius.

His smile cut down personal distance between us. He spread out his tools, and went straight to his work. Whoever configured this networks a jerk, He said with a 🙂 as he quickly rebooted,

Uploaded some software, and smoothly rerouted The LAN to a WAN that he quickly supplied With bandwidth at least 20 gigabits wide That went via wireless, I think, LEO,

To tech support elves waiting at the North Pole. Now bridging, now routing, now Ethernet hubs! He chanted as each piece of hardware he rubbed. Cheer up, my good friend! Lose that mindset so tragic!

Technology often looks just like some magic To people who dont understand what we do. Now a switch, emulation, now middleware glue! Look at the protocols, check one or two,

Debug a bit, test a bit, presto! Were through! My data was back! Every system checked out! Tears of joy wet my face as I wandered about. How can I thank you? You must be Saint Nick!

He said, Really, my friend, its not such a great trick, If you dont give up hope, focus on what youre doing, And read all your issues of NETWORK COMPUTING. And I heard him exclaim, as his reindeer were coursing, Merry Christmas to all! And consider outsourcing!

Burger King wont let you do it your way, right away.

You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but cant remember your wifes birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.

You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but cant remember how old your children are.

Once there was a blonde who got DARNED sick and tired of those jokes mocking blondes for a low I.Q.

She therefore resolved to prove that blonds could be as smart as anyone else. She spent several weeks studiously peering at a map…

The next time some one attempted to tell a Blonde Joke, she riposted
Well, Im a blonde and Im NOT stupid! Ill have you know Ive memorized the Capitals of every state in the union!

So whats the capital of Vermont? inquired a sceptic.

The blonde giggled: Thats easy! V ……..

En una pareja de recién casados, la mujer estaba triste y melancólica porque no habían tenido relaciones sexuales, ya que él no sabía como hacerlo. Por lo que deciden consultar a un sexólogo para comentarle su caso.

El médico, muy amable y con deseos de solucionar el caso, le hace el amor a la muchacha, que por cierto estaba muy buena, de una manera formidable. La muchacha se puso irreconocible: silbe y silbe, cante y cante.

El galeno, acomodándose la ropa, se vuelve hacia el muchacho, quien estaba mirando todo el espectáculo, y le explica:

Esto es lo que su mujer necesita, cuando menos, tres veces a la semana.

Bueno, doctor, ¿y se la traigo lunes, miércoles y viernes, o martes, jueves y sábado?

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids.

He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.

The gentleman replied, Oh, I havent told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. Ive changed my will three times already.