Old and New Jokes

I found this on a gopher, hence do not know the authors name.

The Court of King George III

London, England

July 10, 1776

Mr. Thomas Jefferson

c/o The Continental Congress

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Jefferson:

We have read your Declaration of Independence with great interest. Certainly, it represents a considerable undertaking, and many of your statements do merit serious consideration. Unfortunately, the Declaration as a whole fails to meet recently adopted specifications for proposals to the Crown, so we must return the document to you for further refinement.

The questions which follow might assist you in your process of revision:

In your opening paragraph you use the phrase the Laws of Nature and Natures God. What are these laws? In what way are they the criteria on which you base your central arguments? Please document with citations from the recent literature.
In the same paragraph you refer to the opinions of mankind. Whose polling data are you using? Without specific evidence, it seems to us the opinions of mankind are a matter of opinion.
You hold certain truths to be self-evident. Could you please elaborate. If they are as evident as you claim then it should not be difficult for you to locate the appropriate supporting statistics.
Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of happiness seem to be the goals of your proposal. These are not measurable goals. If you were to say that among these is the ability to sustain an average life expectancy in six of the 13 colonies of at least 55 years, and to enable newspapers in the colonies to print news without outside interference, and to raise the average income of the colonists by 10 percent in the next 10 years, these could be measurable goals. Please clarify.
You state that Whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute a new Government… Have you weighed this assertion against all the alternatives? What are the trade-off considerations?
Your description of the existing situation is quite extensive. Such a long list of grievances should precede the statement of goals, not follow it. Your problem statement needs improvement.
Your strategy for achieving your goal is not developed at all. You state that the colonies ought to be Free and Independent States, and that they are Absolved from All Allegiance to the British Crown. Who or what must change to achieve this objective? In what way must they change? What specific steps will you take to overcome the resistance? How long will it take? We have found that a little foresight in these areas helps to prevent careless errors later on. How cost-effective are your strategies?
Who among the list of signatories will be responsible for implementing your strategy? Who conceived it? Who provided the theoretical research? Who will constitute the advisory committee? Please submit an organization chart and vitas of the principal investigators.
You must include an evaluation design. We have been requiring this since Queen Annes War.
What impact will your problem have? Your failure to include any assessment of this inspires little confidence in the long-range prospects of your undertaking.
Please submit a PERT diagram, an activity chart, itemized budget, and manpower utilization matrix.

We hope that these comments prove useful in revising your Declaration of Independence. We welcome the submission of your revised proposal. Our due date for unsolicited proposals is July 31, 1776. Ten copies with original signatures will be required.

Sincerely,

Management Analyst to the British Crown

A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didnt have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

Thats a lovely car, said the mechanic. What seems to be the matter? Well, it just conked out Im afraid.

Let me have look. He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

Thank goodness, she said. What was the matter? Simple really, just crap in the carburetor, he replied.

Looking shocked she asked, Oh, OK… How many times a week do I have to do that?

One morning this blonde calls her friend and says Please come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I cant figure out how to start it.

Her friend asks What is it a puzzle of?

The blonde says From the picture on the box, its a tiger.

The blondes friend figures that hes pretty good at puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and shows him to where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box.

He then turns to her and says: First, no matter what I do, Im not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger. Second, Id advise you to relax, have a cup of coffee, and put all these Kellogs Frosted Flakes back in the box.

God hadnt created the chicken yet.

THE FRANKLIN FACTOR: Early to bed and early to rise means its time to
meet more guys.

THE RAT RACE: If theres one rat in a room full of nice men, hell hit
on you first.

THE EYEGLASS PRESCRIPTION: Dont wear your glasses on a blind date.
Youll look better, and he will too.

THE RING RULE: A watched telephone never rings.

THE CREEP CALL: Never pick up the phone on Saturday night. Its a call
from a creep you told you were busy.

THE FISHING FORECAST: They say there are lots of good fish in the sea.
But who wants to go out with a fish?

THE PSYCHOLOGICAL PROGNOSIS: Love is a form of temporary insanity
curable only by marriage.

THE ROPE TRICK: Give a man enough rope and hell lasso another woman.

MIND OVER MATTER: No one ever falls in love with another persons mind
at a cocktail party.

THE FAULT FINDER: The faster way to discover all your bad habits is to
move in with your lover.

THE UNINTENDED RESULT: 1) Mens desire for sex sometimes results in intimacy.

2) Womens desire for intimacy often results in sex.

THE RABBIT RULE: Only newlyweds and liars make love every day.

THE DANGLE DOCTRINE: You cant keep a good man down.

TWAINS TRUTH: Familiarity breeds children.

THE FERTILITY FACTOR: Women are only fertile a few days each
month…unless theyre single.

THE PREPARATION PREDICAMENT: The longer you spend in the bathroom
preparing for sex, the more likely hes fallen asleep by the time
youre ready.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West.

He sidles up to the bar and announces:

Im lookin for the man who shot my paw.

The teacher says, Children, today I will ask each of you to come to the front of the class and use a word in a sentence. Todays word is beautiful. Little Sally, would you please come up here and use beautiful in a sentence?

Little Sally walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, my mom is the most beautiful woman in the world.

Teacher says, Very good, Little Sally, you may sit. Little Frankie, your turn.

Little Frankie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, the sunrise this morning was the most beautiful sunrise I have ever seen. Teacher says, Very good, Little Frankie, you may sit. Little Johnny, its your turn.

Little Johnnie walked to the front of the room, thought for a moment and said – Teacher, last night my big sister told my dad that she was pregnant and he said…

Beautiful, just fuckin BEATUIFUL!

Little Johnny is visiting the zoo with his mother. They go to the
elephant exhibit, where a big old bull elephant is taking a leak. Johnny
points to the pachyderms privates and says, Mommy, whats that? Mommy,
seeing the huge member, turns bright red and says, Oh, thats nothing.
Never mind. Come along now.

A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo with his father. Johnny grabs his
dad by the hand, and pulls him over the elephants, saying he has a
question. Once there, Johnny points to the elephants member and says,
Daddy, whats that? Dad replies, Didnt your mother tell you? Yes,
she told me it was nothing. Well, your mom is spoiled, son.

Theres this fellow with a parrot. And the parrot swears like a sailor. I mean hes a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, polite, conservative type, and this birds foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the parrot by the throat,shakes him really hard, and yells, QUIT IT!. This just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says OK for you and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches. When the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush. At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes and uses words Lenny Bruce and George Carlin NEVER thought about trying to use in their acts. Then suddenly, it gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt or deeply chilled. After a couple of minutes of silence, hes so worried that he opens the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the mans outstretched arm and says,Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. Ill do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. The man is astonished. He cant understand the transformation that has taken place. Then the parrot says, By the way, what did the chicken do?

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:

Our next song is Angels We Have Heard Get High.
Dont let worry kill you–let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. Shes used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
Thursday night–Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeares Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.