Fifty Ways to Kill an Ensign
(Lyrics: Joel Polowin. Music: Paul Simons 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover)

The problem is something bout your clothes, she said to me
The red shirt and the stripeless sleeves yell, Im Security!
And when you get down planet-side with Kirk, youll get to see
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign

He takes a landing party down to find whats going on
A couple of the bridge crew, and some extras come along
And then before you know it – the expendables are gone
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign
Fifty ways to kill an ensign

Just step on a rock, Jock
Get thorns from some plants, Lance
A Horta can spray, Ray
Just listen to me
Clouds drink up your blood, Bud
Computers can kill, Bill
You could lose all your salt, Walt
Kirk gets away free…

She said it grieves me so to see you with such nerves
Not evryone who goes with Kirk will suffer from this curse
But then of course, you must recall – they sometimes suffer WORSE
There must be fifty ways to kill an ensign

Just tell him, Im not stupid and Im not expendable
Im not going! Tell him that hes a Denebian slime devil
And hes overbearing, swaggering, and dictatorial
Hell find a new way to kill an ensign
Fifty-one ways to kill an ensign

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Permission granted to use or distribute this text for any non-commercial purpose, so long as its content is not altered and this note is appended.
Id appreciate receiving a copy of any publication in which it is printed:
Joel Polowin / 205 Toronto St. / Kingston, Ontario / CANADA K7L 4A9 .
E-mail: polowin@silicon.chem.queensu.ca, polowin@chem.queensu.ca,
polowinj@qucdn.queensu.ca, Joel.Polowin@p4.f107.n249.z1.fidonet.org