In my house theres this light switch that doesnt do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, Cut it out.

Theres a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

I saw a man with a wooden leg and a real foot.

The sky is falling … no, Im tipping over backwards.

Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said, Ill be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex. Never found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.