Did you hear about the blonde who gave his cat a bath?
He still hasnt gotten all the hair off his tongue.
24
Aug
24
Aug
Un dÃa Juan se sintió seguro sobre su vocación y entró al Monasterio del Silencio. El principal del Monasterio al darle la bienvenida le dijo: Hermano, seas bienvenido y puedes permanecer aquà todo el tiempo que quieras, pero la regla es que no puedes hablar a menos que yo te de permiso.
El hermano Juan vivió en el monasterio durante un año sin decir una palabra, hasta que un dÃa el principal le dijo: Hermano, ya has vivido un año con nosotros, asà que puedes decir dos palabras, recuerda, solamente dos palabras.
Cama dura, dijo Juan.
Siento mucho oir eso. Te asignaremos una cama mejor.
Un año despues, el hermano Juan fue llamado nuevamente por el principal: Puedes decir ahora otras dos palabras, hermano.
Comida fria, balbucea el pobre Juan.
En su tercer aniversario en el monasterio, el principal volvió a llamar al hermano: Dos palabras puedes decir hoy hermano Juan.
¡Yo renuncio!, exclamó Juan.
Es lo mejor que puedes hacer, le respondió el principal, ¡porque lo único que has hecho desde que llegaste es quejarte de todo!
24
Aug
Pepe, Juan y Fernando, muy buenos amigos, eran tres estudiantes foráneos que rentaban un departamento cercano a la universidad. Un dÃa, Juan y Pepe estaban viendo la TV, cuando suena el teléfono, y le informan a Pepe que la mamá de Fernando se acaba de morir.
¡En la madre! ¿Ahora quién le da la noticia a este güey? ¡Se va a poner muy mal!
Pepe se declara negado:
No, yo no le digo. Yo estoy muy güey para esos trotes. Dile tú.
No te preocupes, ya veré como se lo digo suavemente.
Al rato, llega Fernando:
¿Quihubo, cabrones? ¿Por qué esas pinches caras de atropellados?
Este… Ven, quiero platicar contigo, le llama Juan.
Pues, suéltala ya.
FÃjate que estaba pensando: ¿qué sucederÃa si algo malo nos pasara?
Nombre, no digas eso. ¿Qué nos puede pasar?
Uno nunca sabe. Dime, ¿qué preferirÃas: que se muriera tu mamá o que se muriera la mÃa?
No digas eso, ¡cómo que se muera mi mamá o la tuya! Ninguna, no juegues.
No, pero ¿si tu tuvieras que escoger?
En ese caso que se muera la tuya.
Ãndele, cabrón, por ojete se murió la tuya.
24
Aug
Logic can never decide what is possible or impossible.
24
Aug
Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father areflying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I couldthrow a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."
24
Aug
Two men are sent before a judge on drug related charges. Rather than sending them to jail, the judge decides that it would be better to sentence them to community service. The judge tells the men that they are to go out into the community and spread the word as to the dangers of drugs. In 30 days they are to come back before him, and report to the court how many people they have reformed.
Thirty days go by and the men are back in the courtroom. The judge asks the first man how many people hes freed from the dangers of drugs?
I converted 133 the man answered.
When the judge asked how hed accomplished this, the man replied, Simple, I drew them this picture and told them:
O – This is your brain
o – This is your brain on drugs
The second man said, Well, I converted 275 people
Amazed the judge asked how hed accomplished such a feat.
The man said, Simple, I drew them this picture and told them:
o – This is your asshole
O – This is your asshole after prison.
24
Aug
the president has flown in from texas for an important discussion with the israeli president who is a jew.
the israeli president asks,would u like some local food?
mr bush accepts and drinks the manischewitz wine
Bush then offers,hey would u like a hotdog made from the finest pork products in america?
24
Aug
It seems that there were twin brothers by the name of Jones, John and Joe. John was married and Joe was single. Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated boat. It so happened that Joes boat sank on the same day that Johns wife died.A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street, and mistaking him for John said: I was sorry to hear of your great loss, and you must feel terrible. Joe replied; Well, I am not a bit sorry. She was a rotten old thing from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, and she smelled of old fish. The first time I got into her she made water faster that anything I ever saw. She had a crack and a pretty big hole in front that kept getting bigger and bigger every time that I used her. It got so I could handle her all right, but when someone else was using her she leaked like anything. This is what finished her off: Four guys from the other side of town came down looking for a good time. They asked if I could rent her to them. I warned them that she wasnt so hot, but the crazy fools all tried to get into her at the same time. It was too much for her and she cracked right up the middle! THE OLD LADY FAINTED.
24
Aug
About as bright as a four watt bulb
As intelligent as a lobotomized prawn
As bright as a blackout
Hes not dumber than an ox, but hes not smarter
24
Aug
A: Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change.