Old and New Jokes

Confucius says:

Passionate kiss, like spiders web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

Virginity like bubble. One prick and all gone.

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.

Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.

Man who scratches arse must not bite fingernails.

Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.

Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk.

Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.

‘War doesnt determine whos right. War determines whos left.

Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

‘Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who lives in glasshouse should change in basement.

‘He who fishes in other mans well often catches crabs.

Man who farts in church sits in own pew.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Llega un señor muy preocupado al doctor y le dice: doctor, tengo un problema muy grave, es algo que no me deja dormir, no puedo ni siquiera hacerle el amor a mi esposa.

Dígame, ¿cuál es su problema?, cuestiona el doctor.

El paciente responde: es que no se como decirlo… pero tengo un testículo mayor que el otro.

A veces pasa, no se preocupe. Muéstremelo, quiero revisarlo.

No doctor, usted se va a reír.

No señor, como piensa eso. Soy un profesional, no voy a reírme.

¿Me lo promete doctor?

¡Hombre, claro, se lo prometo!

El hombre se saca un testículo del tamaño de un melón; el médico, por más que lo intenta, no pude contenerse y se empieza a morir de la risa.

Ja, ja, ja, ja, ¡qué compañón más pura mierda!

El paciente molesto, le reclama: lo ve doctor, me dijo que no se iba a reír, ¡y eso que todavía no le muestro el grande!

Un tipo entra a una zapatería y se le acerca el vendedor:

Buenas tardes, ¿en qué puedo servirle?

Quiero unos zapatos del número seis.

Verá, señor, no es por contradecirlo, pero a simple vista puedo ver que su número es al menos siete y medio.

Eso no importa, yo quiero un número seis, si no, no compro nada.

Está bien.

El dependiente le trae un número seis; el tipo se los prueba y comenta:

Perfecto, me los llevo puestos.

Cuando va de salida, el vendedor ve que el tipo va sufriendo porque los zapatos le aprietan. El vendedor, intrigado, se le acerca:

Señor, disculpe, pero no me puedo quedar con la duda, ¿cómo es que compra sus zapatos así, si se ve que está sufriendo porque no le quedan?

Mire, le voy a contar mi historia: mi mujer me engaña con mi mejor amigo; mi hija es una puta; mi hijo es drogadicto y maricón; mi suegra vive con nosotros… ¡El único placer que tengo en la vida es cuando llego a mi casa y me quito estos malditos zapatos!

A TEACHER ASKS ITS PUPILS TO SAY A SENTENCE WITH A WORD THAT SHE GIVES THEM .


RIGHT SHE SAYS,JOHNNY YOUR WORD IS FASCINATE.


JOHNNY SAYS MY BROTHER HAS A COAT WITH NINE BUTTONS BUT HE CAN ONLY FASTEN EIGHT.


RIGHT SHE SAYS JIMMY INFATUATION IS YOUR WORD.


JIMMY SAYS A INDIAN WALKS INTO A CHIP SHOP AND SAYS HOW DO YOU FRY YOUR CHIPS,THE ASSISTANT SAYS IN FAT U ASIAN BUGGER.

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says no. The mushroom replies, Why not? Im a fungi.

Put some music in front of him.

1. I want you almost as much as I want world peace.

2. You can forget about going to heaven because its sin to look that good.

3. We both know that I am going to follow you home anyway, so why dont you just come along peacefully?

4. I envy your lipstick.

5. I just want to be loved – is that so wrong?

6. You remind me of an ice cold Pepsi – Ive just gotta have it.

7. Do you believe in the hereafter? Good, then you know what Im here after.

8. If I had eleven roses and you, Id have a dozen.

9. Baby, you look so sweet youre giving me a cavity.

10. Is it me or am I gorgeous?

11. Id even marry your dog just to be related to you.

A little boy was playing by a pond when he saw a Port-A-Potty. Feeling mischievous, he tipped it over into the pond, and ran all the way home. At dinner, his father told the story of how George Washington chopped down the cherry tree. Feeling incredibly guilty, the little boy fessed up and told his father about what had happened. Soon, the boy was spanked, and how! "Wait, dad! Whats going on? I told you the truth!""Yes, you did. But George Washingtons dad wasnt in the tree when he chopped it down!"

Q:What does Bob Dole and the Empire State building have in common?
A: They both took 410 days to be erected.

And God said: Let there be Satan, so people dont blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people dont blame everything on Satan.

— John Wing