Old and New Jokes

What do blondes and cow shit have in common? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Él: No sé por que usas sostén: no tienes nada que poner ahí.

Ella: Tú usas calzoncillos, ¿no?

***

Él: ¿Me amas sólo porque mi padre me dejó una fortuna?

Ella: No, querido, yo te amaría sin importar quién te la dejó.

***

Ella: ¿Cómo es que vienes a casa medio borracho?

Él: No es mi culpa. Se me acabó el dinero.

***

Él: Cinco centímetros más y sería rey.

Ella: Cinco centímetros menos y serías una reina.

***

Escrito en la pared del baño de damas:

Mi esposo me sigue a todas partes

Debajo:No es cierto, no lo hago

***

Él: Salgamos a divertirnos esta noche.

Ella: Buena idea. El que llegue primero deja la luz de la entrada encendida.

***

Él: ¿Por qué nunca me dices cuando tienes un orgasmo?

Ella: Lo haría, pero nunca estás ahí.

***

Él: ¿Ensayamos una posición diferente esta noche?

Ella: Buena idea: tú te paras al lado de la mesa de planchar y yo me siento en el sofá a ver televisión.

Wear short sleeves: Support your right to bare arms!

LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.

LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.

LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.

LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.

LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant You looked up, or invoke the wrath of the universe.

LAW 6: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.

LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.

LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.

LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.

LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isnt, how do you explain the way it works against you?

LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.

LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and a tax agent — or some similar combination.

LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.

LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)

LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.

LAW 16: Nice lag can usually be translated to lousy putt. Similarly, tough break can usually be translated way to miss an easy one, sucker.

LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.

LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.

LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.

LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.

A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought, Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I cant run down this lawyer, and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer.

Regardless, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didnt see anything.

He turned to the priest and said, Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.

And the priest replied, Dont worry son. I got him with my door.

-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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Yesterday
Yesterday,

All those backups seemed a waste of pay.

Now my database has gone away.

Oh I believe in yesterday.

Suddenly,

Theres not half the files there used to be,

And theres a milestone hanging over me

The system crashed so suddenly.

I pushed something wrong

What it was I could not say.

Now all my datas gone

and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.

Yesterday,

The need for back-ups seemed so far away.

I knew my data was all here to stay,

Now I believe in yesterday.

Eleanor Rigby
Eleanor Rigby

Sits at the keyboard

And waits for a line on the screen

Lives in a dream

Waits for a signal

Finding some code

That will make the machine do some more.

What is it for?

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Guru MacKenzie

Typing the lines of a program that no one will run;

Isnt it fun?

Look at him working,

Munching some chips as he waits for the code to compile;

It takes a while…

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Eleanor Rigby

Crashes the system and loses 6 hours of work;

Feels like a jerk.

Guru MacKenzie

Wiping the crumbs off the keys as he types in the code;

Nothing will load.

All the lonely users, where do they all come from?

All the lonely users, why does it take so long?

Unix Man
Hes a real UNIX Man

Sitting in his UNIX LAN

Making all his UNIX plans

For nobody.

Knows the blocksize from du(1)

Cares not where /dev/null goes to

Isnt he a bit like you

And me?

UNIX Man, please listen(2)

My lpd(8) is missin

UNIX Man

The wo-o-o-orld is at(1) your command.

Hes as wise as he can be

Uses lex and yacc and C

UNIX Man, can you help me At all?

UNIX Man, dont worry

Test with time(1), dont hurry UNIX Man

The new kernel boots, just like you had planned.

Hes a real UNIX Man Sitting in his UNIX LAN

Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody …

Making all his UNIX .plans For nobody.

Write in C (Let it Be)
When I find my code in tons of trouble,

Friends and colleagues come to me,

Speaking words of wisdom:

Write in C.

As the deadline fast approaches,

And bugs are all that I can see,

Somewhere, someone whispers:

Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,

Write in C, oh, Write in C.

LOGOs dead and buried,

Write in C.

I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,

For science it worked flawlessly.

Try using it for graphics!

Write in C.

If youve just spent nearly 30 hours,

Debugging some assembly,

Soon you will be glad to

Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C,

Write in C, yeah, Write in C.

BASICs not the answer.

Write in C.

Write in C, Write in C

Write in C, oh, Write in C.

Pascal wont quite cut it.

Write in C.

Something
Something in the way it fails,

Defies the algorithms logic!

Something in the way it coredumps…

I dont want to leave it now

Ill fix this problem somehow

Somewhere in the memory I know,

A pointers got to be corrupted.

Stepping in the debugger will show me…

I dont want to leave it now

Im too close to leave it now

Youre asking me can this code go?

I dont know, I dont know…

What sequence causes it to blow?

I dont know, I dont know…

Something in the initializing code?

And all I have to do is think of it!

Something in the listing will show me…

I dont want to leave it now

Ill fix this tonight I vow!

Whats the simiarity between Clinton and a carpenter?

One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart!

Yo mama is like a Hardware Store… 5 cents a screw.

What is the ultimate rejection?

When you are masturbating and your hand falls asleep!

My father and mother were recently celebrating their 50th wedding

anniversary. While cutting the cake, my mother was moved after

seeing my father’s eyes fill with tears. Mother took his arm, and

looked at him affectionately. I never knew you were so

sentimental, she whispered.

No, no, he said, choking back his tears, that’s not it at all.

Remember when your father found us in the barn and told me to either

marry you or spend the next 50 years in jail?

Yes, my mother replied. I remember it like yesterday.

Well, said my father, today I would have be a free man!