Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Juan!
Juan who!
Juan of these days, pow, right in the kisser!

Un hombre de 99 años le presume a otro que él lo puede hacer sin necesidad de tomar Viagra, porque su doctor le suministró una terapia muy efectiva.

El otro, envidioso, va con su médico y le exige que le aplique una terapia igual de efectiva.

La terapia es muy sencilla: solamente diga lo mismo que dice su amigo, le informa el galeno.

Dos locos son sometidos a unas pruebas para comprobar si ya están en condiciones de salir del manicomio.

A ver, Eustasio, ¿seis por seis?

Febrero.

¡De puta madre, anda, vuelve al manicomio! A ver, Herminio, ¿seis por seis?

Mil.

¡Otro igual, anda vuélvete! A ver, Jerónimo, ¿seis por seis?

Treinta y seis.

¡Hostia! ¿Cómo llegaste a esa conclusión?

Muy fácil, he multiplicado febrero por mil.

Ducharmes Precept: Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

A goose with a gush.

Two cowboys came riding around a bend in the trail and saw an indian on
the ground. His head was tilted with his ear on the ground. When he saw
the cowboys he said, Three men, large wagon, four horses. One of the
cowboys asked in amazement, You can tell all that just by listening to the
ground?

No, said the indian, They ran over me…..

Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.

The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes: “Parking for drive-through customers only!”

This little boy goes to his dad and asks, What is politics?

Dad says, Well son, let me try to explain it this way: Im the breadwinner
of the family, so lets call me Capitalism. Your Mom, shes the
administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. Were here to
take care of your needs, so well call you the People. The nanny, well
consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the
Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad had said. Later
that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on
him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little
boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not
wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked,
he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives
up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, Dad, I think I
understand the concept of politics now.

The father says, Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think
politics is all about.

The little boy replies, Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working
Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the
Future is in Deep Shit.

You may wish to delay reading this until you have more free time.

PROCRASTINATORS CREED

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in propoartion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to recieve from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possiblity for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truely believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. If at first I dont succeed, there is always next year.
8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.