Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What do you mean change it? Its a perfectly good bloody bulb! We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just *fine*.

Do you know why the French wear turtlenecks?

– To hide their flea collars.

I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines.

This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I dont scare easily. But she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call.Damn women drivers!

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all would become clear in time.She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesnt get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrots neck.A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the fathers collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

A couple came upon a wishing well. The husband leaned over, made a

wish and threw in a penny.

The wife decided to make a wish, too. But she leaned over too much,

fell into the well, and drowned. The husband was stunned for a while

but then smiled and said…

Cool!…It really works!

There was a businesswoman who just made a million dollars for an Arabian Oil Sheik. When she was leaving the Oil Sheik offered her Diamonds and rubies and a Silver-plated Rolls Royce, but she declined.

The Sheik insisted so she said that she just started to golf and maybe a set of golf clubs would be nice.

A few weeks later she received a telegram from the sheik.

“So far I have bought you 3 golf clubs. I hope you arent disappointed that only 2 of them have swimming pools.

There were these two cows, chatting over the fence between their fields.

The first cow said, I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm.

The other cow replies, I aint worried, it dont affect us ducks.