El marido se despide de la esposa para ir a trabajar. La esposa, que estaba en el baño, le grita:
¡Amor, necesito dinero!
Con fastidio, el marido le contesta:
Anda a coger.
La esposa, un poco extrañada, le contesta:
¿Y cuánto cobro?
¡De la gaveta, imbécil!, le grita furioso el marido.
A guy was fishing in lake near Philadelphia .Sudently he catches a small fish . He felt sorry for it an threw it into the lake .Later , when he went back home and told his wife what he did she said :It doesnt matter honey , I will buy one some from the surpermarket
So she did and then he washed the dishes !
My sister used to work for the government, but now she has seniority.
Toasters are an often overlooked part of life. But their importance is great! A good toaster which evenly toasts the bread to the perfect light browness of delectablity is worth its weight in gold and if it can do bagels, look out! The question is what if the BIGGIES IN TECHNO made toasters? If IBM made toasters…
They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters…
You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters…
The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Oracle made toasters…
Theyd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home youd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant extension was years away, and that indeed the whole toaster was just blowing smoke. If Sun made toasters…
The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java. Does DEC still make toasters?…
They made good toasters in the 80s, didnt they? If Hewlett-Packard made toasters…
They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If Tandem made toasters…
You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one. If Thinking Machines made toasters…
You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. If Cray made toasters…
They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. If The Rand Corporation made toasters…
It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their ser
This was sent to me by a friend.
********The 12 Days, Deconstructed*******************
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my
potential-acquaintance-rape-survivor gave to me,
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming.
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in
good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union
contract even though they will not be asked to play a note…)
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling
class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from
enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red
paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been
reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American
enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
and a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Best Guess attribution is Bart Taub at Urbana-Champaign, with minor
changes.
A: Bobbing for French fries.
adenoids…..(n) Space critters whut are keepin Elvis alive on Pluto anasthesia…(n) Rushun princess yall red bout in skool. antacid……(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz. bowel……..(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why? bronchitis…(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked. catscan……(v) lukin fer hookers (don yall do this) cauterize….(v) makin eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous) d & c……..(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live. emema……..(n) sumone who aint never no frend no how fester…….(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee) genital……(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee heart……..(v) when u cauz pain to some1 hypodermic…(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter mamogram…..(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female papsmear…..(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy recovery…..(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur rectum…….(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk seizure……(n) Emperore of Rome. series…….(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. testicles….(n) books of the Bible tumor……..(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call urine……..(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery.The prize-winning essay read, "My God," said the Queen, "Im pregnant. I wonder whose it is?"
1. Constipated People Dont Give A Crap.
2. Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.
3 If You Drink Dont Park, Accidents Cause People.
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
5. If You Dont Believe In Oral Sex, Keep Your Mouth Shut.
6. Please Tell Your Pants Its Not Polite To Point.
7. If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A
Little Better.
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
9. Thank You For Pot Smoking.
10. To All You Virgins Thanks For Nothing.
11. If At First You Dont Succeed…blame Someone Else And
Seek
Counseling.
12. Impotence: Natures Way Of Saying No Hard Feelings.
13. If You Can Read This, Ive Lost My Trailer.
14. Horn Broken… Watch For Finger.
15. Its Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The
Booger.
16. If Youre Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
17. Youre Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me
18. The Earth Is Full – Go Home
19. I Have The Body Of A God… Buddha
20. This Would Be Really Funny If It Werent Happening To Me
21. So Many Pedestrians – So Little Time
22. Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
23. If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
24. The Face Is Familiar But I Cant Quite Remember My Name
25. Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
26. Illiterate? Write For Help
27. Honk If Anything Falls Off
28. Cover Me Im Changing Lanes
29. He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next
Exit
30. I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person
31. You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
32. I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
33. Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
34. Its Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
35. I Havent Lost My Mind, Its Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
36. If You Can Read This, The Bitch Fell Off… [Seen On The
Back Of A Bikers Vest]
38. Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
39. If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over… [Seen
Upside Down, On A Jeep]
40. Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed
For 70mph.
41. Guys: No Shirt, No Service Gals: No Shirt, No Charge [Reported
To Be Seen On A Restaurant]
42. If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman
Look Like Jabba The Hut?
43. Necrophillia: That Uncontrollable Urge To Crack Open A
Cold One.
44. Ax Me About Ebonics
45. Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
46. Boldly Going Nowhere
47. Cat: The Other White Meat
48. Caution – Driver Legally Blonde!
49. Dont Be Sexist – Broads Hate That
50. Heart Attacks… Gods Revenge For Eating His Animal
Friends
51. Honk If Youve Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
52. How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He
Is Lost?
53. If You Cant Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With
Bullets.
54. Money Isnt Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In
Touch
55. Saw It… Wanted It… Had A Fit… Got It!
56. Warning! Driver Only Carries $20.00 In Ammunition
57. What Has Four Legs And An Arm? A Happy Pit Bull
58. Peta – People Eating Tasty Animals
A couple was taking classes before getting married and they reviewed the laws for couples. The rabbi put a lot of emphasis on staying away from mixed dancing parties. He claimed it to be a huge sin and to stay away.
A few sessions later they were learning about laws of family and sex. The groom asked, is all types of sex permitted? The rabbi replied some are questionable, he had to be specific. The groom asked, Is military position o.k.? the rabbi said, yes perfect.
How about woman on top?
Yes, fine replied the rabbi.
In a chair?
No problem. He answered.
Standing up?
The Rabbi got angry and said, No way, no how…it may lead to mixed dancing!