Q: How many sado-masochists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to hold it and one to kick the chair out from under him.
12
Jul
12
Jul
A man going down the highway is pulled over by a cop for speeding , the officer said can i see your license the man in the car says sorry i dont have my license i stole this car,then the officer said can i look in the trunk,the man replies no theres a dead body of a lady in there,the officer said theres a dead lady in the trunk?the man replies yes, the officer says what did u use to kill her? the man replies the gun in my glove capartment. The officer calls for backup and when it comes they check out the license plates of the mans car its his car, they check his glove capartment theres no gun,and they check the trunk and theres no body, the officer walks up to the man and the man replies so i betcha that lieing son of a b*tch told you i was speeding to?
12
Jul
An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.
One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasnt worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, I was coming up to die.
She laughed and replied, I was coming down to kill you!
12
Jul
What do you call two black guys in a sleeping bag?
Twix
12
Jul
What is the difference between a porkipine and a brand new BMW?
Porcupines have the pricks on the outside!!!
12
Jul
there was a jewish guy an asian guy and an aussie in an airoeplane that was about to crash. the needed to get rid of as much weight as possible so the jewish guy chuks some bread out the window and says we jewish people have got enough of this and the asain guy chuked a tamagotchi out and said my people have enough of these so then the aussie threw the asian guy out the window and said we have way to may of these in australia
12
Jul
What do birds give out on Halloween night?
Tweets…
12
Jul
A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it? He said hed offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, Ill be 16 tomorrow. I know, said the butcher with a smile, Ive been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat shell get, and watch the expression on her face. When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!
12
Jul
Whats the difference between St. Patricks Day and Martin Luther King Day?
On St. Patricks Day everyone wishes they were Irish.
12
Jul
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a CHICK – She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY – She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or FLIRT – She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB – She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND – She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU EXCITED – She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY – She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a KILLER BODY – She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD – She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY – She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY – She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS – She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU – She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
She is not a SLUT – She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS – She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO-BIT WHORE – She is a LOW-COST PROVIDER.