Old and New Jokes

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most–his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, Im going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me.

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside.

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin.

The physician then said, Well, since were confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didnt put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldnt afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that.

The lawyer then said, Im ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000.

Theorem: e=1
Proof:
2*e = f
2^(2*pi*i)e^(2*pi*i) = f^(2*pi*i)
e^(2*pi*i) = 1

Therefore:
2^(2*pi*i) = f^(2*pi*i)
2=f
Thus:
e=1

Yo mamas teeth are so rotton when she smiles it looks like she ate a bag of oreo cookies.

Mathematicians hunt Lions by throwing out everything that is not a Lion
and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will
attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique Lion before
proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics
will prove the existence of at least one unique Lion and then leave the
detection and capture of an actual Lion to their graduate students.

Quantum Mechanics Scientists spend their time trying to ascertain whether
a Lion is only visible when there is someone there to see it and go on to
design fiendishly complicated traps for theoretical Lions involving small
amounts of radioactive substances and glass vials of toxic vapour
(Schrodingers Lion).

Logicians dont hunt Lions; for them it is sufficient to prove the
existence of Lions and Lion-hunters and an additional theorem which proves
that Lion-hunters do indeed hunt Lions (at least in theory).

Computer Programmers hunt Lions by exercising Algorithm A.

Go to South Africa
Start at the Cape of Good Hope
Work northward, traversing the continent alternately east and west
During each traverse

a) catch all observed animals

b) compare each animal caught to a known Lion

c) stop when a match is detected

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known
Lion in Cairo to ensure the Algorithm will terminate. Assembly language
programmers prefer to execute Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

Hardware Engineers hunt Lions by catching tawny animals at random and
stopping when any one of them weighs plus or minus 15% of any previously
observed Lions. (Owners of overweight Red Persian Longhairs beware!)

Economists dont hunt Lions, but believe that if Lions are paid enough
they will hunt themselves.

Politicians hunt Lions by cutting off their social security payments as
an incentive for Lions to hunt themselves.

Protection Racketeers hunt Lions by making them an offer they cant
refuse.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see n times and call it a Lion.

Consultants dont hunt Lions. Many have never hunted anything at all,
but can be hired by the hour to advise those people who do. Operations
Research consultants can also measure the correlation of hat-size and
bullet-colour to the efficiency of Lion-hunting strategies, if someone
else will only identify the Lion.

Senior Management set broad Lion-hunting policy based on the assumption
that Lions are just like big Red-Self Persians but with deeper voices.

Salespeople dont hunt Lions. They spend their time selling the Lions
they havent caught, for delivery two weeks before the season opens.
Software salespeople ship the first thing they catch and write up an
invoice for a Lion. Hardware salespeople catch Maine Coon kittens, paint
them tawny and sell them as desktop Lions.

Quality Assurance Inspectors ignore the Lions and look for mistakes the
others made when they were parking the jeep.

Cat Fanciers
Dont hunt Lions but may attempt to breed them. However Lion-breeding
strategy is affected by lack of CFA/TICA recognition of Lions and the fact
that Lions dont fit into standard show-cages. Any hint of non-Lions in a
5 generation pedigree adversely affects recognition of Lions. Purists
argue that any hint of non-tawny Lions (e.g. sporadic occurrence of White
Lions, Dappled Lions) invalidates recognition. IRCA may already breed
Genuine Lions in which case they will place advertisements which claim
that Lions from other sources are half-bred or overbred lookalikes; there
are rumours that they have already created the Leonoid, a cat which can be
bred to any other cat and produce a Lion. Liberal-minded and progressive
Lion-breeders attempt to extend the range of available Lions through
outcrossing, resulting in Rex Lions (Li-Rex), Wirehair Lions, LaPerm Lions
(LeoPerms), Sphynx Lions, Manx Lions (Li-Manx), Scottish Fold Lions,
Spotted Lions, Colorpoint Lions (Liamese), Sepia Lions and calico Lions.
Unfortunately most Lion-breeding experiments do not result in newly
recognised Lion varieties, not because of genetic faults in the breeding
stock, but because Lions view potential outcross mates, Lion-breeders and
show judges as between-meals snacks. Miniature Lions (Lunchkins, Leo
Tois, Leopuras) may solve this problem.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.If they have taken the table apart,
put them in Engineering.If they are counting the butts in the ashtray,
assign them to Finance.If they are waving their arms and talking out loud,
send them to Consulting.If they are talking to the chairs,
Personnel is a good spot for them.If they are wearing green sunglasses and need a haircut,
Computer Information Systems is their niche.If the room has a sweaty odor,
perhaps theyre destined for the Help Desk.If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs,
put them into Purchasing.If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests,
Public Relations would suit them well.If they are sleeping,
they are Management material.If they are writing up the experience,
send them to the Technical Documents team.If they dont even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.If they try to tell you its not as bad as it looks,
send them to Marketing.

Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there?

A: Hes the one with a duck.

The Wall Street Journal reported in September that about 100 laughing clubs had sprung up in India in the last year based on the philosophy of Dr. Madan Kataria, who says the ancient yoga breathing and laughing exercises can help people shed inhibitions, build self-confidence, stop smoking, alleviate high blood pressure and arthritis, and stop migraine headaches.

After conventional stretching, adherents engage in silent laughs, out-loud laughs with their lips closed, and the roaring Bombay laugh. Dr. Kataria worries only that some day, the Indian government might try to tax laughter.

How to make shopping fun for men…

Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in peoples carts when they arent looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of apple juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to a store employee and tell him/her in an official tone, I think we have a code 3 in housewares, and see what happens.

5. Put a box of Smarties on lay-away.

6. Move CAUTION: WET FLOOR signs to carpetted areas.

7. Set up a tent in the sports section; tell others youll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask Why wont you people leave me alone?

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the sports section, ask the clerk if the gun comes with anti-depressant prescriptions?

11. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

12. In the auto department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say PICK ME! PICK ME!

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the fetal position and scream, NO! NO! Make the voices go away!

15. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud, Hey were out of toilet paper in here!

Q: What Do you call a Brunette standing between 2 Blondes?

A: An interpreter.

Q: What do you call a Blonde standing between 2 Brunettes?

A: Mental Block.

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?

A: You dont know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.