Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ruth!
Ruth who?
Ruth of the matter is!

What did the Jewish pedophile ask the little girl?

– Hey, little girl, you want to buy some candy?

Yo mama so fat that when I drove around her, I ran out of gas.

This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money wisely! He doesnt win the lottery.

The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery! Once again, he doesnt win.

The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: Help me, help me!

He says, Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?

Buy a ticket!

Did you hear about the scientist who crossed a carrier pigeon with a woodpecker?

He got a bird that not only delivers messages to their destination, but knocks on the door when it gets there.

ftom a Crazie Site, http://crazie.net/

Dear Tide:

I have always used your product ever since my college days, because Mom says it was the best. One weekend about 3 months ago, I was at my girlfriends place, wearing my new white shirt. Much to my chagrin, I spilled some red wine on my white shirt.

She made a comment about my drinking problem, one thing lead to another, and soon, before I knew what was happening, I had her blood all over my not-so-nice white shirt. I tried washing it with her detergent, and it just didnt do the trick. So, on my way home, I stopped at the store and picked up a box of new Ultra Tide. It washed the stain so well that the DNA tests were entirely inconclusive!

I cant praise your product enough. Thank you for saving my life! I must go now. I also have to send my praise to the makers of Hefty garbage bags …

Thanks again!

Gary Condit

Ahhh Women…

( unknown author )

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess

I have two mounds upon my bodice

I shave my legs, I sit down to pee

I can justify any shopping spree

Not to a barber, but a beauty salon

Can get a massage without a hard on

Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas

Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass

I always save money by using coupons

Can admit to others when I am wrong

Dont drive in circles at any cost

So I dont have to admit when I am lost

Dont act like Im in a timed marathon

Every time I go to the john

Let me tell you men

Listen to me boys

Those things in your pants

That you treat as toys

You love them more then we ever will

We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill

I spend two hours preparing for a date

Only to find youre two hours late

I dont watch movies with lots of gore

Dont need instant replay to remember the score

I wont lose my hair

I dont get jock itch

And just cause Im assertive

Dont call me a bitch

I dont wear the same underwear everyday

The food in my fridge has no sign of decay

I dont go to Sears

To look at the tools

I dont cheat at poker

I follow the rules

I dont smoke cigars

Dont pay for drinks at bars

I dont punch my friends just to say Hi

And its O.K. for me to cry

I know all you men

Think that youre IT

But compared to a woman

You just aint shit!

Slippers!!

Student: Can I use the bathroom?

Teacher: Okay but first say your ABCs.

Students: ABCDEFGHIJKLMNO QRSTUVWXYZ

Teacher: Wheres the P?

Student: Its running down my leg!