Old and New Jokes

Harvey and Sara — an elderly married couple — have trouble remembering things, so they write everything down. One night in bed, Sara gets a craving and wakes up her husband.

Get up and bring me some apple pie and ice cream, Harvey, Sara says. And you better write it down.

I think I can remember that, Harvey mumbles as he heads for the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later, Harvey returns with a plate of scrambled eggs and sausage.

Whats this? Sara asks.

Its what you asked for! Harvey says.

See, I told you to write it down, Sara says. You forgot my toast.

One who shortens the day by lengthening his night.

Yo mama so fat she uses I-95 as a slip and slide on rainy days.

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house
in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the
motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged
through a glass patio door and the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the
house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her
husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him
and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an
ambulance. Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the
several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her
husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the
wife up righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had
spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the
gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After
arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his
motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and
smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his
legs into the toilet bowl while still seated.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband
screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband laying on the floor.
His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the
back of his legs and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance
crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded
the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street.

While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one
of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself.

She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped
the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and
broke his arm.

Now that is a bad day…

An <ethnic> couple decided to stay at a very exclusive, WASP only
hotel for a night. The manager immediately recognized them for
what they are but could not throw them out, instead he decided
to be clever. In the morning the couple came to settle the bill
and were surprised to find they owe $3000.

Hows this? Weve only been here one night! the man was annoyed.

So? said the manager, This is a very expensive hotel. We have
golf courts, tennis courts, swimming pools, exercise rooms, bars
and restaurants, all this is very expensive to keep up.

But we didnt use any of these! explained the couple.

If you didnt use–thats your problem, came the reply.

In that case, you owe me $2000. You see, my wife is a call girl
who charges $5000 a night, so please settle your bill, said the
man.

What do you mean? the manager was taken off guard, I didnt
sleep with your wife!

If you didnt use–thats your problem!

Alexander Pruss, at one of: Department of Applied Mathematics,
Astronomy, Mathematics, or Physics / University of Western Ontario

Q. Do all men really masturbate?A. Yes. It is genetically inherited behavior. Its been passed on from our primal forefathers, and itll be passed on to our sons. Although all women inherit the genotype as well, most women dont express the phenotype until much later in their life cycle.Q. Why do men generally have greater upper body strength?A. Several factors are at work, namely evolution, heredity, nutrition, and environment. (See also: Do all men really masturbate?)Q. Why do men generally have better hand-eye motor coordination?A. It is like with all things. Practice… Practice… Practice… (See also: Do all men really masturbate?) Q. Why are men such dogs?A. I resent that. Dogs are faithful… loyal… affectionate… and obedient… We men are nothing like dogs.Q. Why are men so annoying?A. Were not. Youre just moody. What? Is it that time of the month again already?Q. Why do men always assume its that time of the month?A. Well, men are very easily confused. While most months hover around 30 days, most women cycle around the lunar calendar (~28 days). This creates a mismatching cycle thats just too much for us males to track. Its simply easier for men to assume that its that time of the month. Surprisingly, this form of guesstimate actually works with amazing accuracy.Q. Why cant men just be friends (i.e. the sex thing)?A. Women either talk incessantly about their mate or only call when theyre having relationship trouble. Most women dont even like being friends with other women. In general, women are catty, petty, competitive, jealous, and gossipy. Why else would men want to be friends with women? (See also: Whats the deal with this male bonding business?)Q. Whats the deal with this male bonding business?A. The answer to this question, again lies in mens evolutionary roots. In prehistoric times when men hunted, in order to be successful, it was often necessary to hunt in packs. Needless

Which Condom would you use….

Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you cant stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Arent you glad you use it? Dont you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey–you never know.
California Lotto Condoms: Whos next?
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going …
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha cant have just one.
Campbells Soup Condoms: Mm, mm good.

[Ed: and the Energizer Condoms are best used inside-out, at which point
they keep coming and coming…]

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them?
How do they get a deer to cross
at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because
they taste funny?
Experience is what you get when you didnt
get what you wanted.
Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when
you cant drink and drive?
Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make
TEFLON stick to the pan?
If youre in a vehicle going the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car,
its called a shipment, but when you transport something
by ship, its called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that
is used on planes, why cant they make the whole plane
out of the same substance?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

[More
one liners]

Two guys, Joe & Bill went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, they fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Joe wakes his faithful friend and says, Bill, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

Bill replies, I see millions of stars.

What does that tell you? asked Joe.

Bill ponders for a minute, then says, Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the

morning.

Theologically, its evident the

Lord is all-powerful and we are small, and insignificant.

Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Joe?

Joe is silent for a moment, then says, Bill, you stupid moron, someone has stolen our tent.

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever hitchhiked naked.