Old and New Jokes

Yo mama hair so short she curls it with rice.

Un señor va a donde un sacerdote para confesarse y le dice: Padre,deseo confesarme con usted. Me siento muy mal porque le tengo fobia a las mujeres,y cada vez que veo una,la agarro a golpes.

El sacerdote le dice: Bueno, hijo mío, lo importante es que estés arrepentido. Yo no te voy a hacer rezar padres nuestros, sólo debes hacer lo siguiente: apenas salgas a la calle, le das 50 dólares a la primera mujer que veas y de esa forma serás perdonado.

El señor sale a la calle y en una esquina ve a una mujer, se le acerca y le entrega 50 dólares. La mujer pone cara de sorprendida y le dice: Oiga señor, que se ha creído, son 100 dólares.

¡Pero el sacerdote me dijo que le diera 50 dólares!

¡Es que debe usted saber que el sacerdote es cliente antiguo!

Un hombre lleva a su mujer a una clínica para ser sometida a una intervención quirúrgica. Como fue una larga operación, el tipo regresa a su casa para atender a sus hijos que habían quedado solos. Más tarde, llama a la clínica para enterarse del resultado de la operación.

Buenas tardes, ¿Quién habla?

Hola, ¿es la clínica?

Sí señor.

Le habla Pedro Ripiales. Quiero saber cómo salió mi esposa…

Pero en ese momento, el teléfono se liga con un taller de reparaciones que estaba hablando con un cliente por el arreglo de una motocicleta.

Hola, hola, ¿me están oyendo?

Perfectamente, señor. En cosa de dos días se la entregaremos.

Entonces, ¿todo va bien?

Sí, ¡pero qué problemático fue! La desmontamos toda por dentro. Tenía muchísimas cosas en mal estado, pero ya las cambiamos y dentro de dos días va a poder montarla.

¿Montarla?

Sin miedo alguno. Le cortamos el tubo de admisión porque lo tenía muy largo. ¡Se ve que usted le da duro!

Pero, señor…

El desgaste de las paredes nos lo demuestra. Usted debería engrasarla más a menudo.

¡Eso es demasiado señor!

Además, debo decirle que su pistón está muy usado. No vale nada. Como usted comprenderá, le introdujimos un pistón más grueso que el suyo y hemos quedado sorprendidos del resultado. También le ampliamos el tubo de escape que estaba abollado.

¿Del escape?

Sí, por donde salen los gases. Estaba casi completamente tapado, pero ahora quedó que da gusto.

¿Pero, qué mierda?

No se inquiete, que ahora todo marcha bien. Yo mismo la probé. Después la hemos montado siete y con todos se ha portado maravillosamente.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Scold!
Scold who?
Scold outside!

A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, God, please get my foot out of these tracks and Ill stop drinking!

Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, God, please get my foot out and Ill stop drinking AND cussing!

Still nothing … and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, Ill quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet.

Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed! He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said Thanks anyway God, I got it myself.

Why doesnt Santa have any children?

Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, its down the chimney.

Zailsingh decided to write the MBA exam. He could understand every thing except for the LOGIC part. One day when he was reading, Rajiv came home.

Rajiv: Zailsinghji How is your MBA preparation?

Zail Singh: Every thing is fine, but I could not understand Logic.

Rajiv: Logic is very easy.

Zailsingh: Can you give me an example, so that I can understand.

Rajiv: OK. Do you have fish pot in your house?

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: Logically, there will be water in it.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: Logically, there will be fish in it.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: Logically, someone will be feeding the fish.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: I take a guess that your wife will be feeding the fish.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: so, logically, your are married.

Zail: YES.

Rajiv: So, that means U are a heterosexual.

Zailsingh was very glad and he understood logic. Next day he sees Butasingh and he was also preparing for MBA.

Zail: How is your MBA preparation?

Buta: Everything is fine except for the logic.

Zail: Oh, logic is easy.

Buta: Please, give me an example.

Zail: Do you have a fish pot in your house?

Buta: NO, I dont.

Zail: Saala HOMO!!!

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude theyll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight… Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and some good head. All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says Don’t forget his coffee!

50 Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden…

Fifty Ways To Annoy Osama bin Laden If Youre Invited To A Dinner Party At His Secret Afghan Lair, by Alan Meiss

Point out the lice in his beard to make him feel self-conscious.

Pause for a moment, listen carefully, and say, Doesnt that sound a lot like a B-52?

Ask him if hes looking forward to replacing Hitler as Satans favorite chew toy in the lowest inferno of Hell.

Tell him all about your great vacation to Saudi Arabia, where you went absolutely everywhere and did everything, just stomped all over the place.

Use his satellite phone to call the time and weather line in Buenos Aires and leave it off the hook.

Tell him how much less you paid for your Kalashnikov rifle.

Now that you know the address of his secret cave hideout, fill out magazine subscription cards for him for the Wine Spectator and Penthouse. But do not, under any circumstances, send him Popular Mechanics.

Order him ten Dominos pizzas with extra ham topping.

Correct him when he ends a sentence with a preposition.

Ask whether the Taliban gets cable, because you havent seen Sex and the City for weeks.

Yank the end of his turban really hard to make him spin around like a top.

Switch all the CDs in the jewel boxes in his CD collection, so that when he reaches for Michael Bolton, hell actually get the Oak Ridge Boys.

Mine his bathroom.

Use your dinner fork for your salad, and, if questioned by your host, mutter something about spots.

Leave business cards for the Israeli Mossad in his Rolodex.

Take pictures of all his wives and post them on www.amihotornot.com.

Ask him if he wears boxers or briefs. Check. Take pictures. Again, post these on www.amihotornot.com.

Give him a Hot Chicks of Palestine calendar.

Ask him if Paradise is different for each person, and whether in your own paradise youll get to, kick his ass every day for eternity.

Reset his VCR and leave it blinking 12:00.

Refer to him as Osama-osama-fee-fi-fo-fama bin Laden.

Ask whether suicide bombers have to pay union dues.

Tell him its lovely what hes done with his cave, but that itd look much nicer covered with huge, smoking craters.

At dinner, imply that the Northern Alliance has much prettier place settings.

Claim you once saw him at a Hooters in Muncie wearing a yarmulke.

Ask him if he wouldnt mind if you opened the door and shined your laser pointer on his forehead for a few minutes.

Tell him that this is the worst pajama party youve ever attended.

Ask for some pork rinds and a good brew to wash them down.

Mix up his Rubiks Cube.

Ask him if he provides his employees with a 401K plan.

Compliment him on all his poppies outside, but mention that a few day lilies would be a nice accent.

Run your finger along his credenza, and say, tsk, tsk if theres dust.

Ask whether the Taliban is hoping to be bombed ahead into the Stone Age, or perhaps the Iron Age if enough shell casings survive.

Explain that America is a land of freedom and opportunity, filled with people of every race, religion, and background, including millions of women strong enough to knock the crap out of him.

Claim that they serve much better falafel at the public executions in Sudan.

Ask him if hes pursuing the Lesser Jihad, the Greater Jihad, or the Completely Whacked Out of his Freaking Gourd Jihad.

Swirl your drink thoughtfully and mention, Just think, in a few weeks you might fit in this glass!

Check to see if Saddam is on his speed-dial list.

They have to wait a few years to see current television shows in Afghanistan, so give away the secret of whos having a baby on Friends.

Warn him that youre in a New York state of mind.

Mention that his wives look quite fetching in their burkas, and ask whether theyve ever thought of modeling.

Ask him, Say, where do you keep all those Stinger missiles? just in case hell be caught off guard and answer correctly.

Give him a noogie or a wedgie. If theres actually still a flush toilet left in Afghanistan, give him a swirlie.*

Ask to borrow his hedge trimmer and never give it back.

Play a game of Monopoly with him. Make him play the thimble. See if he charges interest. Claim that his properties are your holy lands and blow up his hotels.

Fish out the secret toy surprises in all his cereal boxes.

Offer to take him clubbing in Tel Aviv with your friends Saul and Ivan.

Ask him which Ninja Turtle is his favorite.

Give him your cell phone as a gift and ask him to leave it on for a few days so your friends can call and say hi.

When you leave, wave and say, Shalom!

copyright 2001 by Alan Meiss

Could our relationship be more physical? Im tired of just being friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up, its easier for me to douche that way.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Please dont throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
This diamond is way too big.
I wont even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Does this make my butt look too small?
Im wrong, you must be right again.
I think belching is really sexy.
Sure, Id love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.
Why dont you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?
I could never be with any other man, but I dont mind at all if you see other women.
I insist that you always put your mother before me.
I love a good cigar after sex.
I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass boat.
Move over, Im driving. I love city traffic.
The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Lets do it on the workbench.
That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I wish I could meet her one day.
Its so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.
Lets skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson fight at a bar.
Hey, we didnt have sex last night!
That shirt doesnt smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again today.
Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.
I understand.
You dont swear enough.
I love it when you finger me while you drive.
Lets stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. Its cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer.
Dont fix the toilet, Ill just keep going in the bushes outside.
Sure, you can wear your old work boots at our wedding. They go with anything.
I think Ill call him up and ask him out.
Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesnt make that girl a slut! Shes just really friendly.
I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.
Dont dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.
Oh yeah, any hole you want.