A blonde and a brunette were sitting on the park bench when the brunette said, My boyfriend used to have dandruff but then I gave him head and shoulders.
The blonde said, How do you give a man shoulders?
07
Jul
07
Jul
Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their
lovers (Rascal, Dumbass ,Bobby) happened to be at the funeral home at the
same time,
and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.
The first man (Rascal) said, My Benny loved to fly, so Im going up
in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.
The second man (Dumbass) said, My Carl was a good fisherman, so Im
going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake.
The third man (Bobby) said, My Jim was such a good lover, I think
Im
going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my
ass up just one more time.
07
Jul
During a propaganda tour, President Bush visits a school to explain his politics to kids. He invites the kids to ask him questions. Bobby stands up and tells him Mr. President, I got 3 questions:
1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Dont you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
Before the president can answer, the recess bell rings, and the kids leave the room. After they came back, Bush invited them again to ask questions. Joey stands up and tells him Mr. President, I got 5 questions:
1. How come, that although the count of votes was not in your favor, you still won the election?
2. Why do you want to attack Iraq without an imminent reason?
3. Dont you also consider the bombing of Hiroshima the biggest terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?
5. Wheres Bobby?
07
Jul
Seen on an Arkansas Car Bumper
Honk, if you havent had sex with Bill Clinton
07
Jul
Q: Whats dumber than a redhead and a brunette trying to build a house underwater?
A: A blonde trying to set fire to it.
07
Jul
You Know Youve Had Too Much Holiday Cheer When….
1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.
2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.
3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.
4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.
5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.
6. You strike a match and light your nose.
7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.
8. You hear someone say, Call a priest!
9. You hear a duck quacking and its you.
10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.
11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.
12. You tell everyone you have to go home… and the partys at your place.
13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.
14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room… and realize youre in front of the hall mirror.
15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.
16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.
18. Youre at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.
19. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.
20. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.
21. You realize youre the only one under the coffee table
07
Jul
What did the Jewish chicken say when he eat the fish?
Yum kipper!!!!!!!
07
Jul
Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech…
1. She doesnt need to talk to get me a beer.
2. If shes in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.
3. If she can talk, all shell do is complain.
4. Because she wont say I will instead of I do.
5. No man wants to hear first down during a basketball game.
6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.
7. No man needs or wants to hear the word period unless it has to do with hockey.
8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.
9. Affirmative action.
10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.
11. If my dicks in her mouth, she cant talk anyway.
12. Oprah.
13. Feminists.
14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.
15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.
16. I dont want to be made to lie and say I love you after sex.
17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.
18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I dont want to hear anybody calling me back.
19. No, I will NOT buy you tampons while Im at the store
20. This is my dick. Im gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.
21. Dont waste your breath, I wont respect you in the morning.
22. Women sportscasters.
23. Women congressman.
24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad — see #66)
25. Marge Schott.
26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).
28. Where does speaking come into barefoot and pregnant?
29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.
30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.
31. I could give a shit if youre pregnant.
32. I dont care if youre in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.
33. They were the reason for the 18th ammendment.
34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.
35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they don’t need to talk)
36. Were tired of their We cant pee standing up shit.
37. That damn apple.
38. If she cant speak, she cant cry rape.
39. Of course, if she cant speak, she cant say no.
40. Rosanne. Nuff said.
41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.
42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?
43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.
44. If she cant talk, she cant bitch when I forget important dates.
45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.
46. When she talks shes not drinking, its hard to get her drunk when she talking.
47. Nothing should come out a womans mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!
48. The Mute button only works on the TV.
49. Whores get paid by the hour not by the word.
50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.
51. Equality is for math.
52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.
53. If it hurts, I dont wanna hear it.
54. Marcia Clark.
55. Chick-flicks.
56. You dont see Victorias Secret models talking, do you?
57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.
58. Michael Jackson.
59. Silence and sex make a great combination.
60. N. O. W. ? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.
61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above the dashboard.
62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.
63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.
64. High phone bills really suck.
65. Women should be seen and not heard.
66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?
67. If I want romance, Ill turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).
68. Because theyre not men.
69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.
70. If I wanted your opinion, Id ask for it.
71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, Id give it to you.
72. Whereve you been? Who the fuck are you, my mother?
73. Women on radio? You cant see them, do you really want to hear
them?
74. Unless the words are Doctor, can you make these bigger?, shut the fuck up.
75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.
07
Jul
In the front yard of a funeral home, Drive carefully, well wait.
On an electricians truck, Let us remove your shorts.
Outside a radiator repair shop, Best place in town to take a leak.
In a non-smoking area, If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.
On a maternity room door, Push, Push, Push.
On a front door, Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.
At an optometrists office, If you dont see what youre looking for, youve come to the right place.
On a taxidermists window, We really know our stuff.
On a butchers window, Let me meat your needs.
On a butchers window, You can beat our prices, but you cant beat our meat.
On a fence, Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.
At a car dealership, The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.
Outside a muffler shop, No appointment necessary. Well hear you coming.
In a dry cleaners emporium, Drop your pants here.
On a desk in a reception room, We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.
In a veterinarians waiting room, Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
At the electric company, We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you dont, you will be.
In a Beauty Shop, Dye now!
In a Beauty Shop, We curl up and Dye for you.
On the side of a garbage truck, Weve got what it takes to take what youve got. (Burglars please copy.)
In a restaurant window, Dont stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.
Inside a bowling alley, Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.
In a cafeteria, Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.
07
Jul
Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees The President Must Die written in urine across the snow.
Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staffs HQ, and yells Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!
The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers Well, dont just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!
The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?
Clinton says Give me the bad news first.
The officer says Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it.
The results just came back, and it was Al Gores urine.
Clinton says I feel so… so… betrayed! My own vice president!
…Well, whats the REALLY bad news?
The officer replies Well, its Hillarys handwriting.