Old and New Jokes

Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos?
A: They make great anchors!

With Bill Clinton in the White House, I finally understand why we celebrate Presidents Day with mattress sales. (Leno)

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas…
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

Three blondes are walking on the beach and find genie lamp.

The Genie says look girls, there are three of you.. so only ONE wish each!

The 1st blonde says Genie, I think that I would like to be a little bit smarter… POOF!!!

She is a REDHEAD!

The 2nd blonde says Genie,… I think I would like to be a little smarter still!…POOF!!!

She is a BRUNETTE!

3rd blonde says Genie… I have been a blonde ALL my life!..Men buy me cars,..give me money,…and jewels… I think I would like to be a little DUMBER!!…POOF!!!

She is a MAN!!

A Sardarji father gave the following advice to his son about to be married. Son, if you want things from your in-laws, be sure to pitch your demand high. If you wanted a cycle, ask for a scooter; if you wanted a motorcycle, ask for a Maruti. Always ask for something higher than you need.

The young Sardarji who wanted no dowry, imbibed the lesson. When his father-in-law asked what he wanted, the young Sardarji replied, nothing just Give me the girls mother.

Three blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question.

St. Peter asks the first blonde, What is Easter?

The blonde replies, Oh, thats easy! Its the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, are thankful…

Wrong! replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second blonde the same question, What is Easter?

The second blonde replies, Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.

St. Peter looks at the second blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her shes wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, What is Easter?

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eyes, I know what Easter is.

Oh? says St. Peter, incredulously.

Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.

St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.

The third blonde continues, Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out… and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.

Q: What happens every time a man unzips his pants?

A: His brains fall out!

[Ed: Very few sexist jokes about men get submitted. Send me more
if you want to see them, like theyre asking in soc.women. ]

Many Romance Languages (Italian, Spanish, French) give even inanimate objects a gender. In Spanish, for example, this determines whether you use el or la in front of the noun. If English designated things as either male or female, here are a few recommendations:SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up. Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
HAMMER: Male, because it hasnt evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but its handy to have around.
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it. And, of course, theres the hot air part.
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
REMOTE CONTROL: Female! Consider this: It gives a man pleasure. Hed be lost without it. And while he doesnt always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
SHOES: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
TIRES: Male, because it goes bald and often is over inflated.
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.
ZIPLOC BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

I read in a Reuters newswire from May 10 that police in Biddeford, Main had arrested a couple of men for driving by and strafing a pedestrian with doughnut holes!

Chris Roy, 19, and Christopher Cote, 20 said they normally just attack street signs and werent sure why this time they went for a pedestrian.

It seems they like to buy (doughnuts) just so they can throw them, said police Sergeant J.P. Morin.

He wasnt sure if they were fresh or stale, but said I suppose a piece of dough thrown from a car would be pretty hard.

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

Have you any last requests? asked the Chaplain.

Yes, replied the murderer. Will you hold my hand?