Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Manitoba!
Manitoba who?
Manitoba me hours to get out of here!

IBM: Ive Been Mislead

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. (As hed had a bad time in divorce court recently, and blamed the lawyers.) Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud THUMP and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, Where are you going, Father?

.

Im going to the church 5 miles down the road!, replied the priest.

No problem, Father! Ill give you a lift. Climb in the truck.

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud THUD. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didnt see anything, he turned to the priest and said, Im sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer.

Thats okay, replied the priest.

I got him with the door!

Dos borrachines van conduciendo su vehículo; un oficial los ve y les ordena:

Párense a la derecha.

Los beodos se estacionan y el oficial se acerca diciéndoles:

Por favor, permiso para conducir.

Uno de los ebrios lo ve y le dice al compañero:

Compadre, muévase que el oficial quiere conducir.

A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was OCCUPIED.

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked WW, WA, PP, and ATR.



Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked WW and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, WOW, the women really have it made! Still curious he pressed the button marked WA and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The Button marked PP yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldnt resist the last button marked ATR.



When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!



The nurse replied, Yes you were having a great time until you pressed the ATR button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow!

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.



As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!



The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.



Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that hed also took a dump in your pants.

Charlie had a massive heart attack and died. His body was delivered to the mortuary. He had been wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit at the time of his demise, so he really looked wonderful, considering the circumstances. His wife went to the funeral home to make the final arrangements for his interment. She spoke to the mortician about what her husband would be wearing. The mortician pointed out that the man looked really nice in the black suit he was wearing, and that frankly it would be easier and less expensive to leave him dressed as he was. The woman noted that Charlie had always looked his very best in blue, and that she really wanted him in a blue suit for his trip to eternity. To silence the morticians continued outcries, she gave him a blank check and said, I dont care what it costs, but please have my husband in the very best blue suit money can buy for the ceremony. The woman came back the next day for the wake. To her delight, she found her Charlie dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fit him perfectly. She said to the mortician, Whatever this cost, Im very satisfied. You did an excellent job, and Im very grateful. How much did you spend? To her astonishment, the mortician presented her with the blank check, indicating there was no charge for these extra services. No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit! she cried. The mortician responded, Honestly, maam, the change to the blue suit cost nothing. Funny thing, a deceased gentleman of about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing an attractive black suit. She indicated that it made no difference, as long as he looked nice… so I switched the heads.

Youre over the hill when …

1. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, Did I wake you?
2. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
3. Theres nothing left to learn the hard way.
4. Things you buy now wont wear out.
5. You can eat dinner at 3 p.m.
6. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).
7. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
8. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
9. You have a party and the neighbors dont even realize it.
10. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
11. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
12. You sing along with the elevator music.
13. Your eyes wont get much worse.
14. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
15. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.
16. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they cant remember them either.
17. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
18. You cant remember who sent you this.

A man and his son were walking through a field, and saw two dogs mating. The little boy asked his Dad what was happening.

The Father replied, Well, son, theyre making a puppy.

The following evening, the little boy was thirsty, so he went from his bed to get a glass of water. Not being able to reach the glasses, he walked unannounced into his parents bedroom, who were making love in their usual missionary position. Confused, the boy asked what were they doing.

The Dad responded very slowly and caringly to his impressionable little boy, Well, son, we are making you a little brother.

The little boy replied, Please turn Mom over, Dad, Id rather have a puppy!

A man comes to an Italian doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window.

What does this have to do with my throat?

Nothing, I just hate the neighbors!