Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So … the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because Da oily boid gets da woim.
There was a man who entered a local papers pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
We Three Students Of Chemistry Are
We three students of chemistry are
taking tests that we think are hard
Stoichiometry, volumes and densities
worrying all the time.
O room of wonder
room of fright
Room of thermites
blinding light:
With your energies
please dont burn us
Help us get our labs all right.
There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.
Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and didnt want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.
The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and didnt want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didnt work and he was free.
Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said Im afraid of needles, the electric chair wont work so youre going to have to hang me.
Iba un árabe montado en su camello, cruzando el desierto del Sahara cuando de pronto el camello se para y deja de caminar, el árabe no sabÃa por qué se habÃa detenido y lo empezó a jalar. En eso se encuentra con otro árabe y le cuenta su problema.
El otro árabe le describe una posible solución, el dueño del camello la acepta y empiezan a trabajar.
Hacen dos montones de tierra, un poco separados y altos, suben al camello y el árabe se coloca debajo de los montones de arenay con dos garrafas llenas de agua le pega al camello en los kiwis y el camello sale corriendo.
El dueño del camello le pregunta al árabe que como va a alcanzar a su camello, a lo que el árabe le respondió:
Súbase a los montones de arena.
Q: Whats the bad thing about 5 lawyers in a cattalac driving off a cliff
A: A cattalac seats SIX!
When theres a will, I want to be in it!
The second day
of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day youre off
it.
~ Jackie Gleason
A man walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The barman gives it to him and he gulps in down in one swoop.
Hey buddy, you must be having it rough. Whats up with you? says the bartender.
Well, I got home early from work last night and found my wife and my best friend in bed with each other!
Thats terrible pal, the next drink is on the house.
So the bartender gives him another tripple scotch and again he gulps it down.
If you dont mind me asking, what did you say to your wife?
I told her Ive had enough and I want a divorce!
Good for you! You said the right thing.
So what did you say to your best friend?
Well, I walked up to him, looked him straight in the eyes and said…
…BAD DOG!
Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But the one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer…
UNIX, that is… CRTs… Workstations…
Well, the first thing ya know ol Jeds an Engineer.
The kinfolk said Jed, move away from here.
They said Arizona is the place ya oughta be,
So he bought some donuts and he moved to Ahwatukee…
Intel, that is… dry heat… no amusement parks…
On his first day at work, they stuck him in a cube.
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube.
They said you projects late, but we know just what to do.
Instead of 40 hours, well work you 52!
OT, that is… unpaid… mandatory…
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad.
Schedules started slipping and some managers were mad.
They called another meeting and decided on a fix.
The answer was simple… Well work him sixty-six!
Tired, that is… stressed out… no social life…
Months turned to years and his hair was turning grey.
Jed worked very hard while his life slipped away.
Waiting to retire when he turned 64,
Instead he got a call and escorted out the door.
Laid off, that is… de-briefed… unemployed…
Now the moral of the story is listen to what youre told,
Companies will use you and discard you when youre old.
So gather up your friends and start your own firm,
Beat the competition, watch the bosses squirm.
Millionaires, that is… Bill Gates… Steve Jobs…
Yall come back now… ya hear
Benjamin Smith was the curator at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, although his primary job was to keep all of the exhibits clean and polished. One day he happened to be dusting around the Arabian exhibit, and he noticed an ancient urn that needed some cleaning. He got out his dust rag and began polishing. Lo and behold, an enormous genie appeared before him. Master, the genie began, I am the genie of the urn. I can grant you three wishes, but there is one condition I will put on you — you must never shave or cut your beard for the rest of your life, or you will be forced to take my place inside the urn forever. Benny thought about it for a bit, and decided it was a fair condition for three wishes. So Benny made his three wishes and became tremendously happy. Over the years, Bennys beard became longer and longer until it almost reached the floor. As it grew longer, it began to itch more and more. He tried to ignore it, but the itch constantly became worse. Finally he decided he had to get rid of the beard and he shaved it off. Instantly he was trapped in the urn to stay there forever. The moral of the story: A BENNY SHAVED IS A BENNY URNED.