Old and New Jokes

Once there was a kid who loves to kill people. He found Ahouse full of people. He said oh this is a good place to kill these people. Little did he know these people were really stupid. So that night he sneak in the house. hes was in the daughters room she was sleeping. When he went over there she woke up and said stop you are scaring me. Then the kid got hes knife and kill her. After that he went in the family room and saw the rest of the family. When they saw him they all said stop you are scaring me. Then the child got his knike and kill them all. Told you they were stipid Haha

1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that its all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

4. Goose! Bogey at 2 oclock….one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

5. Ummmmmm….Sorry……(silence)

6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)….uhhhhh….we have to go back ….we ..we ….uhhhhhh ….forgot something…..

7. Im sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean well be flying much more efficiently now.

8. Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

9. This is your Captain speaking….these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships Im used to.. so youll have to give me some leeway…

10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

11. Weve now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and … Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

12. Dont worry! That one is always on E…

13. Get the parachutes ready…

14. Drinks are on me…

15. Ill have what the Captains having…

16. Hey captn take another hit man…

A blonde will screw anyone, a bitch will screw anyone but you.

Era una noche muy fría, el bar tenía algunas pocas mesas ocupadas en los rincones más oscuros del salón.

Una hermosa mujer se acerca felinamente a la barra, se relame el labio superior, le guiña el ojo al barman y lo llama moviendo con languidez los dedos índice y anular de la mano derecha.

Cuando él se acerca, ella le acaricia su tupida y boscosa barba murmurándole al oído:

¿Eres el encargado del bar?

Para ser sincero no, pero…

¿Me lo puedes llamar?, Necesito hablar con él le pide ella deslizando sus manos más allá de su barba y acariciando con dulzura los lóbulos de sus orejas, sus cabellos y haciendo cosquillas alrededor de su incipiente calva.

Lo lamento pero no está. responde el barman, babeando excitado, agrega Pero yo puedo ayudarte en lo que necesites.

Claro que puedes… Necesito que le des un mensaje

Mientras habla con voz dulce, la mujer lleva despacio dos dedos hacia los labios de él acariciándole las encías, metiéndoselos en la boca y dejando que los mordisquee y los chupe con delicadeza. Y finalmente dice:

Por favor, dile que no hay papel higiénico en el baño de mujeres y que me tuve que limpiar el culo con los dedos…

Cash, check or charge? I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.So, do you always carry your TV remote? I asked.No, she replied, but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil legal thing I could do to him.

A woman announces to herfriend that she is getting married for the fourth time.

"How wonderful! But I hopeyou dont mind me asking what happened to your first husband?""He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.""Oh, how tragic! Whatabout your second husband?""He atepoisonous mushrooms, too, and died.""Oh, how terrible! Im almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.""He died of a broken neck.""A broken neck?""He wouldnt eat the mushrooms."

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.Jim calls out to his golfing partner in an agitated voice, "Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here."Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out, "Whats the matter Jim?"Jim shouts back, "Throw me my 7-iron! You cant get out of here with an 8-iron."

From Dick Reboulet, circa 1966:

A prize bull and a prize cow got together and decided theyd have a little
prize calf. So they did. When he was born, they decided hed have the
best of everything–food, education, … So they kept him in a little
compound separated from the hoi polloi. But as he reached puberty, he
looked out through the chain-link fence at all the cows out there, and
drooled. He would back up to the far corner of his pen, and study the
top of the barbed-wire topped fence. He always concluded he couldnt
make it. But one day, he decided he was big and strong enough. He backed
up to the farthest corner, and ran like hell. He jumped over the fence,
and made it, almost. Just then, papa bull came ambling along the fence
line, noticed his son bleeding, noticed what was hanging on the barbed
wire atop the fence, noticed his son bleeding … At last he consoled
his son: Dont worry, son, you can always be a consultant.

A guy walks into a gun shop to buy a gun.

Can I help you sir?, asked the shopkeeper.

Ah, yes…I want to buy a .44 Magnum please.

The shopkeeper informs the man that the .44 is a very powerful gun, and asks the customer what hes going to use it for.

The man replies, I want to shoot cans!

What? Cans! You dont need a .44 to shoot cans sir, a much smaller gun would do, advised the shopkeeper.

The customer has enough and finally says, Shut up and give me the dang .44 Mag…I want to shoot AmeriCans, MexiCans, and AfriCans!

Our beer, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, at home as it is in public.
Forgive us this day our daily spillage As we forgive those who spillest against us.
And lead us not into the practice of sissy wine tasting, and deliver us from DUIs for mine is the barley, the hops and the malt, forever and ever;

BARMEN