Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.

A man goes into the doctors office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says I have some bad news. You have HAGS. What is HAGS the man asks.

Its herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis says the doctor.

Oh my God says the man. What are you going to do?

We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.

Is that going to help me says the man.

No says the doctor. But its the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door

If you put it off long enough, it might go away.

What do you call an [ethnic] with a job?

– One in a million.

There is no job so simple that it can not be done wrong.

Do you remember the Charlie Brown specials that taught valuable life lessons to a generation of kids? Well here are some new episodes:

Peanuts specials for kids of the 90s:

We learn about VD in:

IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN

Charlie and the little redheaded girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in:

IM STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!

Is Linus gay?

ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN

Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in:

OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?

See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in:

NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!

Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in:

IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN

What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pens twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego Mr. Clean in:

GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN

Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in:

ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!

Charlie Brown gets his first job in:

WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?

Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in:

GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN

Peppermint Patty goes to town on Marcie in:

WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?

A
rich man and a poor man are talking about what they
gave their wives for Valentines Day. The rich man
says I got my wife a Mercedes and a 3 CRT. diamond
ring. The poor man says Why did you get her both?

Because if she doesnt like one she always has the other…what did you get
your wife? The poor man replies, I got her slippers and a dildo. The rich
man says Why did you get her a dildo? The poor man says, So if she doesnt
like the slippers, she can go f*ck herself.

A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything.

A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, Were ruined, all the moneys gone and theres no flour for bread!

His daughter says, No, papa, I hid the money in my you-know-what.

The farmer said, Youre a good girl, but if your mamma was here –

she could have saved the sack of flour as well!

A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. Its the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? Ill be home in an hour to pick them up."He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?""Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.""Oh no I didnt. I put them in your tackle box."

Two men were on an Alaskan bear hunt. On season opening morning, a light snow fell, and one man stayed in the cabin while the other man went out hunting. He soon found a huge grizzly and shot at it, but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward the hunter, he dropped his rifle, and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over the man and went rolling into the cabin.

The guy jumped up, closed the cabin door, and yelled to his friend inside, You skin this one while I go and get another!