Old and New Jokes

Q: How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her. Adam answered, Yes, Lord, but what is a kiss?

The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.

And the Lord replied, Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, Id like you to caress Eve. And Adam said, What is a caress? So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, Lord, that was even better than the kiss.

And the Lord said, Youve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve. And Adam asked, What is make love, Lord? So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, Lord, what is a headache?

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read: Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.



The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmers sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read: Now there are two!

A pilot, Michael Jordon, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a pizza delivery man were all in a plane together traveling through stormy conditions.

Suddenly, the pilot came running back to the passengers and announced that lightning had hit the plane, and they were going to crash in a matter of minutes. There are only enough parachutes for four of the five of us, he announced. Since Im the pilot, I get one! After saying this, the pilot grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

Im the worlds greatest athlete, proclaimed Michael Jordon. This world needs great athletes, so I must live. Michael Jordon then grabbed a parachute and leaped out of the plane.

Im the smarest man in the world, bragged Bill Gates. The world needs smart men, so I must also live! Bill Gates grabbed a parachute and jumped out of the plane.

At this point, the Pope began to speak. I have lived a long life compared to you, and you may take the last parachute. I will go down with the plane.

You dont have to stay here! The worlds smartest man jumped out of the plane with my backpack.

System Cant See It

Father: If I had ten oranges and gave you two, how many would I have left?

Son: I dont know, because in school we learn on apples.

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper.This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldnt take it
anymore. They decided to try and convert John to Catholicism.They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the
Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic. The men were so relieved–now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved.The next years Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses!They called each other up and decided to meet over in Johns yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent? The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.

* If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

* A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

* Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.

* For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

* He who hesitates is probably right.

* Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

* No one is listening until you make a mistake.

* Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

* The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

* The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

* The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

* To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

* To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

* Two wrongs are only the beginning.

* You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

* The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

* The sooner you fall behind, the more time youll have to catch up.

* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

* If you must choose between two evils, pick the one youve never tried before.

* Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.

* Dont sweat petty things….or pet sweaty things.

* A fool and his money are soon partying.

* Money cant buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

* Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

* If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands….

* Attempt to get a new car for your spouse….itll be a great trade!

* Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least its the scenic route.

* Id kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

* Everybody repeat after me….We are all individuals.

* Death to all fanatics!

* Guests who kill talk show hosts….On the last Geraldo.

* Chastity is curable, if detected early.

* Dont be sexist; broads hate that!

* Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

* Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

* Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

* Eagles may soar, but weasels arent sucked in jet engines.

* Borrow money from pessimists….they dont expect it back.

* Beware of geeks bearing gifs.

* Half the people you know are below average.

* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

* A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

And finally….

* If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving definitely isnt for you

When God created the earth, Adam & Eve, he found he had two baubles left over. He came to Adam & Eve & said, I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up.

Adam got very excited: Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If Im out in the fields, I can just go right there.

So Eve smiled & said, Okay, it sounds like he really wants that.

As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiousity, What was the other gift?

Oh, God said, looking, Multiple orgasms.

One day the Pope is coming to America in his
Limo and he said to the driver, Why dont you
let me drive for once.
The driver thinks to him self, Well I cant say
no to this guy, hes the pope. So the driver
pulls over and they change places. The Pope was
having fun, hauling butt down the freeway, dogging
cars. After a while the driver taps on the window
and tells the Pope, slow down a bit, you might
get pulled over.
The Pope says, ahhh, dont worry about it, Im
the Pope. So he rolls up the window and
continues to drive very fast. After a few moments
he gets pulled over. The cop walks to the car and
the Pope rolls down the tinted window. The cop
sees the Pope and says, oh, I, ehhh, sorry, can
you hold on a minute.
The Pope says, sure
The cop walks back to his car and radios back to
the station. He says, guys I just pulled over
some one really important.
They ask who, The President?.
No more important.
The president of another country.
No more important.
An ambassador.
No even more important.
Well who is it.
I dont know, but the Pope is the chauffeur.