Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Maxine!
Maxine who?
Maxine the wave dude!

A mom of an 8 year old boy was awaiting her sons arrival from school. As he ran in, he said he needed to talk to her about making babies. He claimed he knew about the development of a fetus but didnt understand the answer to that million dollar question. Namely, how did the sperm get into the woman?

The mom asked the boy what he thought the answer was. The boy said that the sperm is manufactured in the mans stomach, it rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth whereupon he kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.

The mom told her boy that that was a good guess, but wrong. She said that she would give him a hint…that the sperm came out of the mans penis.

Suddenly, the boys face became quite red and he said, YOU MEAN YOU PUT YOUR MOUTH ON THAT THING!!??

Venancio consiguió trabajo pintando las rayas del asfalto. Cierto día se le acerca el jefe y le reclama:

Venancio, has trabajado muy bien los primeros días, pero últimamente has bajado mucho tu calidad. Empezaste muy bien y ahorita andas muy abajo de tu promedio: la primer semana pintaste un kilómetro; la segunda semana 600 metros; la tercer semana 400 metros, y últimamente sólo has pintado 200 metros, ¿qué te ha pasado?

Responde muy enojado Venancio:

¡Hombre, que cada vez me queda más lejos el bote de pintura!

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole. The grandfather replies, Ill bet you five dollars you cant. Its too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole. The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he stuffs the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later, the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars. The grandfather replies, I know. Thats from your grandma.

One fine morning, Billy and Buddy Snake were hissing around the front of their pit when their mother came outside. Why dont you boys slither on over to Mrs. Pots pit and hiss there for awhile? she told them. So off they went.

They werent at Mrs. Pots pit five minutes before Mrs. Pot came out and scolded the two young snakes. Oh no you dont, she said angrily. You boys go back to your own pit and hiss there. So Billy and Buddy slithered back home.

Once back, their mother reappeared. I thought I told you boys to go to Mrs. Pots pit and hiss over there? she said. We did, said Buddy, but she told us we had to come back here and hiss in our own pit.

Well, the nerve of that woman, replied their mother. Why I can remember when Mrs. Pot didnt even have a pit to hiss in.

with thanks to Frederic

On a busy day, on a busy corner, there is a big accident in which there is a victim. The man who has been injured request for a priest.

The police officer on the scene turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Nobody answers. The man still cryes out A priest, a priest please.

The officer once again turns around and ask if there is a priest in the crowd. Suddenly, an old jewish rabby comes up and say Officer, Im a old 70 years old Rabbi, but Ive lived for 20 years behind St. Patrick church. Every night I hear them in their prayers. Maybe I can help.

So the officer bring the Rabbi to the dying man. The Rabbi kneels down and addresses these following words to the dying man:

B1-I18-N44-G56-O75

where did 50 cent go when he went to the hospital????

One, but it will take 4 episodes.

Students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
Then the Professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that it is necessary that you dont get disgusted.

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.

Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people.

We like the letter of resignation offered by charming young secretary who was forced to quit her job because of embarassing circumstances. Dear Boss, it began, Im getting too big for this job …