Old and New Jokes

Q: How can you tell the stage youre playing on is level?
A: The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus: Terminates and stays resident. Itll be back.

The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Dear:

Thank you for leaving [01] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen childrens teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason(s) indicated below:

( ) the tooth could not be found

( ) it was not a human tooth

( ) we do not think that pieces of chicken bone are very funny

( ) we were unable to approach the tooth due to excessive odor

( ) the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash

( ) the tooth did not originally belong to you

( ) the tooth fairy does not process fingernails

( ) your request has been forwarded to the Nerve Ending Fairy for

appropriate action

( ) you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the tooth fairy

( ) you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received

( ) the tooth is still in your mouth

( ) the tooth was guarded by a vicious fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit

( ) no nightlight was on at the time of our visit

( ) the snacks provided for the tooth fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing

( ) we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows:

[ ] string

[ ] pliers

[ ] gunpowder

[ ] hammer marks

[ ] chisel

[ ] part of skull attached to tooth

[ ] no dental care

( ) other:

Instead of the usual cash redemption, we have provided the following

certificate which you may attempt to exchange at a retail store near you.

Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy

1. Silence, the final frontier: Where no woman has gone before.2. The undiscovered side of Banking: How to make deposits.3. Combating the Imelda Marcos Syndrome: You dont need new shoes everyday.4. Learn how not to inflict your Diets on other people.5. Nag Nag Nag – how to overcome your tendency to be a fish wife.6. An invitation to a party does not mean that you have to have a new outfit.7. Man Management: Discover how the garbage can wait until after the game.8. Personal Space: Leaving at least enough space in the bathroom cupboard for your partners toothbrush.9. Valuation: Just because its not important to you.10. Communication Skills I: Tears as the last resort and not the first.11. Communication Skills II: How to think before speaking.12. What he really wants: Is buying the right razor blades so difficult.13. Driving a car safely: A skill you can also acquire.14. Real women drink their share at a party.15. Telephones: How to hang up.16. Parking: Beginners Course.17. Parking (Advanced): Reversing into a parking space.18. The Natural Habitat of the Towel: Why they prefer the floor.19. Managing your weight: Its not water retention – its fat.20. Learning to cook I: Bran is not food.21. Learning to cook II: Bringing back bacon and eggs.22. Compliments: How to accept them gracefully.23. PMS: Your problem – not his.

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. A half hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

I dont know why you are bothering. Youre not going to have time to finish this, the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

Two hours passed and the professor told everyone to pass in his/her test. The late student is still furiously scribbling and eventually turns in his paper at the end of class.

The professor says, Sorry, I cant take your paper.

The student asks, Why not

The professor answers, Because it is late.

The student asks angrily, Do you know who I am?

The professor looks at the student and shakes his head.

The student yells, Do you know who I AM?

The professor responds, No.

So the student grabs the stacks of tests, shoves his tests in the middle of the pile and nonchalantly walks off.

<http://world.std.com/~olorin/peter_overlord.html>
This list is Copyright 1996 by Peter Anspach
<mailto:anspach@aftermath.math.uoknor.edu>. If you enjoy it, feel free to pass
it along or post it anywhere, provided that (1) it is not altered in any way,
and (2) this copyright notice is attached.

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there
are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil
Overlord Ive read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets
overthrown and destroyed in the end. Ive noticed that no matter whether
they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien
invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single
time. Therefore, if I ever happen to become an Evil Overlord:

1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors,
not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, Or
are you afraid without your armies to back you up? My reply will be,
No, just sensible.

8. When Ive captured my adversary and he says, Look, before you kill
me, will you at least tell me what this is all about? Ill say,
No. and shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time
during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled Danger: Do Not Push.

11. I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me–Ill do it myself.

12. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum–a small hotel
well outside my borders will work just as well.

13. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14. I will not waste time making my enemys death look like an accident–
Im not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldnt believe it.

15. I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word mercy;
I simply choose not show them any.

16. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in
my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before
implementation.

17. All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of
the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any
accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the
aforementioned disposal.

18. My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
adhere to any other dress codes.

19. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other
form of last request.

20. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when
the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into
operation.

21. I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently
twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage hes
caused.

22. I will never utter the sentence But before I kill you, theres just
one thing I want to know.

23. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
advice.

24. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to
usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at
a crucial point in time.

25. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
but one look at the heros rugged countenance and shed betray her own
father.

26. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, its too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to
accordingly.

27. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for
my legions of terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make
them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman footsoldiers, or savage Mongol
hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a
more positive mind-set.

28. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will
not consume any energy field bigger than my head.

29. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
their use. That way–even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless–my
troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears
and rocks.

30. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will
never utter the line No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!! (After
that, death is usually instantaneous.)

31. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of
machinery which is completely indestructable except for one small and
virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.

32. If I am engaged in a duel to the death with the hero and I am fortunate
enough to knock the weapon out of his hand, I will graciously allow him
to retrieve it. This is not from a sense of fair play; rather, he will
be so startled and confused that I will easily be able to dispatch him.

33. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is
probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my
bedchamber.

If you have any other tidbits of advice for me to follow, please e-mail me.

I wish to thank the following contributors to this list who, if I ever
happen to become an Evil Overlord, will be named as lieutenants–but not
trusted lieutenants–in my legions of terror:

* Julie Helmer <AnnieKey@aol.com>
* Christy Marx <moonfire@cybergate.com>
* Mark Musante <olorin@world.std.com>
* Katherine Teague <kteague@nortel.ca>
* g.kenter@genie.com
* rsledge@spry.com

1. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

2. If you dont want to dress like Victorias Secret, girls, dont expect us to act like soap opera guys.

3. If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or

angry, we meant the other way.

4. It is in neither your best interest or ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

5. Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women how can we know how pretty you are?

6. Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.

7. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

8. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

9. Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.

10. Women who wear Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

11. When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off ramp, you saying This is our exit is not necessary.

12. Dont fake it. Wed rather be ineffective than deceived.

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.

The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctors office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctors office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?

To this, the eye doctor responded, I said to myself Thank the Lord, Im not a gynecologist.

1. Open an executable file on my machine. Please dont send any.

1a. Open Word documents (notorious for their embedded macros, possibly infected). (Get WordPerfect, at least its got a spell checker thats literate.) Please dont send any.

2. Read or pass on ANY kind of chain letter. Please dont send any.

3. Read a message thats been forwarded multiple times and is embedded three or more emails deep. If its worth sending, its worth copying and pasting; I receive too many emails to go up to my waist in any particular one, or read through 2 screens of email addresses. Please dont send any.

Why?

Because … I dont have Microsoft patience.