Old and New Jokes

Bill and Linda decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. Theres a car being towed from the parking lot, he said. An ambulance just drove by. A few moments passed.

Looks like the Andersons have company, he called out, Matts riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex.

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. How do you know that? the startled father asked.

Their kid is standing out on the balcony too, his son replied.

En Argentina, va un tipo conduciendo su auto por la Panamericana. En eso, ve a alguien parado al costado de la ruta, doblado de dolor.

¡Alfredo, pero si es Alfredo! ¿Qué le habrá pasado?

Detiene el vehículo y baja.

¡Alfredo, hermano! ¿Qué pasó?

Mirá, dice Alfredo, señalando algo y continuando con su terrible gesto de dolor.

Y ahí yace, hecha una pelota de fierros retorcidos, una impresionante Ferrari.

¡Pero, Alfredito, querido, si con el dinero que vos tenés, te podés comprar como 10 de esas! ¡Vamos, hermano!

No, mirá adentro, dice Alfredo, mientras sigue doblado sobre si mismo.

Y al mirar adentro de la Ferrari, una rubia impresionante, hecha pelota.

Bueno, Alfredo, pero vos podés conseguir 10 Ferraris y 100 rubias como ésa, ¡vamos, arriba el ánimo!

No, mirá adentro… mirá adentro de la boca de la rubia.

Manolo y Venancio van de cacería, pero como no tenían perros, deciden ir a la casa de un amigo a conseguirlos. El camarada les presta tres de sus mejores perros.

Dos horas más tarde, los tontilandeses regresan con el amigo:

“¿No tienes otros tres perros más que nos prestes?”

“¿Otros tres?”, pregunta asombrado el amigo.

“¡Sí, es que los otros tres perros que nos prestaste ya los cazamos!”

Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.



Morris shouts across the garage, Hey DeBakey! Is that you? Come on over here a minute! The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car.



Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at this here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind em, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and me is doing basically the same work?



Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic…

Now try doing it with the engine running!

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Whisper my favorite words: Ill buy it for you.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you havent fallen asleep yet.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

You! Off my planet!

-Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

I majored in liberal arts. Would you like fries with that?

Teen-age girls often have babies fathered by men: The Sunday Oregonian, September 24

Low Wages Said Key to Poverty: Newsday, July 11

Man shoots neighbor with machete: The Miami Herald, July 3

Tomatoes come in big, little, medium sizes: The Daily Progress, Charlottesville, Virginia, March 30

Real newspaper headlinesThese are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world.

Dirty-Air Cities Far Deadlier Than Clean Ones, Study Shows: The New York Times, March 10

Man Run Over by Freight Train Dies: The Los Angeles Times, March 2

Scientists see quakes in L.A. future: The Oregonian, January 28

Wachtler tells graduates that life in jail is demeaning: The Buffalo News, February 26

Free Advice: Bundle up when out in the cold: Lexington Herald-Leader, January 26

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink–he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely–but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries Man! How many bars do you work at?

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy.
When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. Aha!
mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. Aha! said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.Snip-snip-snip-snip on the rightside… then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.The doctor said, How does that feel now? The midget replied, Perfect Doc, and I didnt even feel it. What did you do?The doctor replied I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.