Old and New Jokes

Bill Clinton was out jogging one morning, when he came to an apartment complex.

Sitting outside on the steps was a cute little girl with a big box.

As Bill jogged closer, he could see that the box was full of adorable puppies.

He went to the little girl and said Awww…those are the cutest puppies

The little girl said These arent puppies. I call them Democrats.

Bill thought this was really sweet and said Well, thats so sweet!

A few days later, Hillary was jogging with Bill when they came to the same building with the little girl outside.

The girl was still there with the box. Bill nudged Hillary and said Watch this.

He asked the little girl, What have you got there? Puppies?

The little girl shook her head and said No, not puppies, I call them Republicans.

Bill was shocked. He said But I thought you said they were Democrats???

The little girl said Well, they were…but now theyve got their eyes open!!

Bill Gates dies and is at the pearly gates talking with Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, Bill, youve done some wonderful things in your life and have earned the right to choose where youll spend the rest of eternity. You can choose between Heaven or Hell, but choose wisely.



Bill looks over Saint Peters shoulder between the pearly gates and sees nothing but a lush green meadow. Deciding to heed Saint Peters words, Bill asks if he could take a look at Hell. Saint Peter agrees and sends Bill to Hell. The Devil greets Bill at the gates of Hell and he is immediately taken aback. Much to his surprise, theres one heck of a party going on. People are dancing, the alcohol is flowing, music is non-stop and everyone is having a blast. Bill returns to Heaven to again discuss his decision with Saint Peter.



He again looks over Saint Peters shoulder and sees only a lush green meadow. Bill says to Saint Peter, Ive put a lot of thought into this decision and it may sound foolish, but Id like to spend the rest of eternity in Hell.



Saint Peter fulfills Bills request and returns him to Hell. When Bill gets back to Hell theres been a big change. People are writhing in agony, flames are burning, moans of pain and despair are everywhere. Bill, being quite shocked at the sight asks the Devil, What happened?? I was just down here a little while ago and everyone was having a great time! The Devil says, Oh that… That was just the demo!

***Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant***



17. I finished the Oreos.

16. Not to imply anything, but I dont think the kid weighs 40 pounds.

15. Yknow, looking at her, youd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!

14. I sure hope your thighs arent gonna stay that flabby forever!

13. Well, couldnt they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!

12. Darned if you aint about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella.

11. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, thats gotta hurt.

10. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!

9. Im jealous! Why cant men experience the joy of childbirth?

8. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

7. Get your *own* ice cream.

6. Geez, youre awfully puffy looking today.

5. Got milk ?

4. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney.

3. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!

2. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…



And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:



1. You dont have the guts to pull that trigger…

BREAKFAST.COM Halted… Cereal Port Not Responding

If I had a dog as ugly as you, I would shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards.

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, Are there any gators around here?! Naw, the man hollered back, They aint been around for years! Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, Howd you get rid of the gators? We didnt do nothin, the beachcomber said. Wow, said the tourist. The beachcomber added, The sharks got em.

A blonde wanting to earn some money decided to hire herself out as a handyman- type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. Well, you can paint my porch, how much will you charge? he replied. The blonde said How about $50.00 ? The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladder were in the garage. The mans wife inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house? The man replied, She should, she was standing on the porch. A short time later, the blond came to the door to collect her money. Youre finished already? he asked. Yes, the blond answered and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.00 and by the way the blond added, thats not a Porch, its a Ferrari.

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.

A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, Maam, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?

Why, officer? asks the blonde.

Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.

Oh my goodness, exclaims the blonde, I left my baby on the bus!

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
You get a tattoo that reads This body best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher.
You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom.
You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap … and your child in the overhead compartment.
You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems.
You start using smileys in your snail mail.
The last girl you picked up was a JPEG.
Your hard drive crashes. You havent logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your ISPs access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. You succeed.

SEMINARS FOR WOMEN:

Once again, the male staff will be offering courses to women of all marital
status. Please note, homework is mandatory. Attendance in at least 10 of
the following courses is not mandatory.

Combatting the Impulse to Nag
You Can Change the Oil Too
PMS – Learning to Sleep Over at Mothers
How to Fill a Beer Mug
We do not want Stationary for Christmas – PUT ON SLEAZY UNDERTHINGS
Understanding the Female Cause of Male Drunkenness
How to Do All Your Laundry in One Load and Have More Time to Watch Football
Parenting – Your Husband Gave You Children so You Could Have Someone Other Than Him to Boss Around
How Not to Sob Like a Sponge When Your Husband is Right
Get a Life – Learn to Kill Spiders Yourself
Balancing a Checkbook – Even You Can Get it Right
You, the Whining Sex
Reasons to Give _ _ _ _ _ _ _ S
How to Stay Awake During Sex
Why it is Unacceptable to Talk About Placentas During Breakfast
Shopping – Doing it in Less Than 16 Hours
#101 You Can Use a Bed for More Than Just Sleep
#102 Its OK to Do It Outside of the Bedroom
If You Want to Know How That Looks On You, Ask Your Mother
How to Close the Garage Door
If You Dont Want an Excuse, Dont Demand an Explanation
Payday and Shopping Are Not Synonymous
How to Go Fishing With Your Mate and Not Catch Pneumonia
Living Without Power Windows – How to Turn a Crank
Romanticism – The Whole Point of Caviar, Candles, and Conversation
How to Stay Alive While Your Husband is Relaxing
Putting On Something Sexy – Why it Wont Ruin Your Brain
How to Act Younger Than Your Mother
You Too Can Carry a Backpack
Female Friendship – Why Your Best Friends Are Not the Women Who Complain About You the Most
Apologizing for Farting When Youre On the Toilet is NOT Necessary
The Attainable Goal – Catching a Ball Before It Stops Moving
Honest, My Eyes Are Closed Because of the Passion I Feel