Old and New Jokes

The General shouted to his troops, Onward To Victory!

About 30 minutes later, an urgent message reached him……. Need Further Instructions, Victory not on map!

This is a good time to punt work.

Yo mama so stupid she stopped at a stop sign and waited for it to turn green.

Two Surds were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes
into the flight, the Captain announces, One of the engines has failed
and the flight will be an hour longer. But dont worry, we have three
engines left.
Thirty minutes later, the Captain announces, One more engine has
failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But dont worry, we have
two engines left.
An hour later, the Captain announces, One more engine has failed
and the flight will be three hours longer. But dont worry, we have one
engine left.
One Surdarji looked at the other and said, If we lose one more
engine, well be up here all day!

Now that Im older…..heres what Ive discovered…..

I started out with nothing..I still have most of it. When did my wild oats turn into prunes and All Bran? I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. Funny, I dont remember being absent-minded. All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. If all is not lost, where is it? It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. The first rule of holes:= If you are in one, stop digging. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through, though. It was all so different before everything changed. Some days youre the dog; some days youre the hydrant. Nostalgia isnt what it used to be. A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. I wish the buck stopped here, I could use a few…. Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids. Its not the pace of life that concerns me, its the sudden stop at the end. Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if youre in the bathroom. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees. When youre finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Its not hard to meet expenses…theyre everywhere. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

The following is an excerpt of an article in the April issue of Saturday Night magazine by John Fraser the (now) former editor.

For those who dont know, the province of Ontario has set in place a policy of zero tolerance for harassment and discrimination at universities. This excerpt really pokes fun at the potential misuse and abuse of such a policy.

Dear H & D officer,

I am a female graduate student with an alternative lifestyle. Our history department has invited an international scholar named Simon Schama to lecture here next month. The title of his talk is Dykes and Discord: The role of land reclamation in 17th century Dutch domestic policy. Posters have been plastered all over our campus, causing snickering, and I have been made to feel uneasy. Does the FRAMEWORK have any remedy?

You bet it does! There is zero tolerance for anything that makes you feel a loss of self-esteem, and the FRAMEWORK clearly states the visitors on campus should be subject to complaints if they engage in prohibited conduct.

Depending on how your academic administration chooses to police the FRAMEWORKS guidelines, you have a range of options – from demanding prior access to the visitors lecture to cancellation of the lecture itself and having the visitor barred from campus.

As for posters, they clearly come under the grounds of poisoning the work or study environment, and the FRAMEWORK is very specific about this : A complainant, it says, does not [even] have to be a direct target to be adversely affected by a negative environment. It includes conduct or comment that creates and maintains an offensive, hostile, or intimidating climate for study or work.

If Im not mistaken the quotations are direct quotes from the zero tolerance policy.

Laugh, its OK … for now (insert dramatic military music here)

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips off a board of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dogs neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Viciou Animal, he starts writing in his notebook.

But Im not a Giants fan, the little hero replied.

Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were. said the reporter and starts again.

Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack he continued writing in his notebook.

Im not a Jets fan either, the boy said.

I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets.

What team do you root for? the reporter asked.

Im a Cowboys fan. the child said.

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes,

Little Redneck Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet!

What did the elephant say to the naked man? Its nice, but can it pick up peanuts?

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow
has, You wish you had ordered that.

A ducks walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesnt serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar! The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, Got any nails? Confused, the bartenders says no. Good! says the duck. Got any grapes?