Old and New Jokes

Really Stupid People

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

Here I sit Same as ever



Dirty arse, got no paper



Boss is calling,



Can not linger



Stuff it, Ill use me finger

There is no problem a good miracle cant solve.

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and cant remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich.

The second lady chimed in, Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and cant remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.

The third one responded, Well, Im glad I dont have that problem, knock on wood, as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them…

That must be the door, Ill get it!

*before you read this falaphel can also mean the pendants on an isreali soldiers uniform

There are two isrealis in the front of a car and an american in the back. One israeli says two the other look at that man and his falaphels.

So the american says falaphels, where i am hungry

Imagine, if you will, three temperate southern (US) women rocking away on a porch as the sultry summers day comes to a slow end. The horizon is awash with the suns setting hues. A few pesky no-see-ums fly about.

The first lady speaks up in her slow, southern drawl and says: Sisters, Ive been thinking. Each of us has a husband whose name is LeRoy. Its been mighty confusing lately. Sometimes when I yell LeRoy!! your husband comes and sometimes yours answers and once in a while mine comes. I think its time we rename our husbands to end the confusion.

Quiet returns to the porch scene only to be interrupted by the creaking of the hold rocking chairs on the loose planks. The first lady again speaks up and says, I think Ill name my husband Seven-UP.

Why, sister, why are you going to name your husband Seven-UP? queries one of the old gals.

Why, hes got seven inches and its always up! replies the first lady.

The second lady then muses a bit and says, I think Im going to name my LeRoy Mountain Dew.

Why, sister, why are you going to name him Mountain Dew?

Well, cuz mountin is one thing he do real well, the second lady says.

Both then turn to the third woman as she rocks slowly in her chair and of her they ask, And, what will you name your husband, sister?

Ive been thinking that I just might name him Jack Daniels, she said.

Why, sister, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!!

Thats my LeRoy!, the third woman responds.

1. Only in America……can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

2. Only in America……are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

3. Only in America……do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

4. Only in America……do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.

5. Only in America……do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.

6. Only in America……do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

7. Only in America……do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we wont miss a call from someone we didnt want to talk to in the first place.

8. Only in America……do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

9. Only in America……do we use the word politics to describe the process so well: Poli in Latin meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

10. Only in America……do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

A guys walking down the street and sees Dirty Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, Kid, youre too young to smoke.

Johnny looks up and doesnt say anything.

The guy says, How old are you?

Johnny says, Six.

The guy says, Six? When did you start smoking?

Johnny says, Right after the first time I got laid.

The guy says, Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?

Johnny says, I dont remember. I was drunk.

Q: Why cant men get mad cow disease?

A: Because theyre a bunch of pigs!