A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his fathers house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.
As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girls feet.
Whats this, she asked.
Taste it, he replied, If you like it, Ill give you a whole one!
G.W.Bush was very depressed that people were saying he is stupid.
So he calls his good friend Queen Elizabeth, who says, Now George, what you need to do is to surround yourself with smart people. Let me show you. She calls Tony Blair in and asks, Tony, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it?
Tony Blair replies, Its me!
So G.W. calls Dick Cheney and says, Dick, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it?
And Cheney says, Wow, thats a tough one. Let me get back to you.
So Cheney calls Colin Powell and says, Colin, your parents had a baby. It isnt your sister and it isnt your brother. Who is it? And Colin Powell says, Its me!
So Cheney calls Bush and says, Its Colin Powell.
And Bush says, No, you idiot! Its Tony Blair!
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Sven and Ole worked together and were both laid off, so off they went to the unemployment office.
When asked his occupation, Sven looked the lady in the eye and said Panty stitcher. I sew the elastic onto cotton panties.
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classed as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Then Ole goes in and sits down with the lady.
She asked Ole his occupation. Diesel fitter, he replied.
Since diesel fitters was a skilled job the clerk gave the Ole $600 a week.
When Sven found out he was furious. He stormed back in to find out why his friend and co-worker, Ole, was collecting double his unemployment pay.
The clerk explained: When I looked it up, panty-stitchers were unskilled laborers and diesel fitters were skilled laborers.
Skill!…What skill? yelled Sven.
I sew the elastic on…
He pulls on it and says,…..Yep, diesel fitter.
Heres a very old joke we like to tell in England i hope you like it:
A horse walks into a bar and the barman says: Why the long face?
Woman golfer lines up on the first tee. Slices it badly and she hears a guy wailing pitifully off by the side of the tee and when she looks at him in horror hes doubled over with his hands tightly clenched together over his crotch.
She dashes over, apologizing profusely. Im so sorry, she says, its OK, Im a nurse. I know what to do.
She gently undoes the mans fly (who converts his wailing to a whimper) and begins to stroke his todger.
There, there. she says, Does that feel better?
The guys eyes are still watering but he says, Sure, but shit… my thumbs still killing me!
Your mama is like a vaccum she sucks, blows, then gets thrown in the closet.
A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that shes low on gas, so she stops at a gas station.
While shes pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.
She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is doing.
Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying…
A little more to the left…a little more to the right
I just thought these up:
Death is like a box of chocolates, you never know what youre gonna get
– A Matter of Life and Death
A strip club is like a box of chocolates, you never know what youre gonna get
– Striptease
Sex is like a box of chocolates, you never know what youre gonna get
– (Quite a number of movies)
And my favorite …
Creating life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what youre gonna get
– Jurassic Park
A Sardar buys a ticket and wins the lottery.
He goes to Delhi to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number.
The Sardar says, I want my 20 lakhs.
The man replied, No, sir. It doesnt work that way. We give you one lakh
today and then youll get the rest spread
out for the next 19 weeks.
The Sardar said, Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want
it.
Again, the man explained that he would only get a lakh that day and the rest
during the next 19 weeks.
The Sardar, furious with the man, screams out, Look, I want my money! If
youre not going to give me my 20 lakhs right
now, then I want my five rupees back!