Old and New Jokes

You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.

There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.

You think the Mountain Men in Deliverance were just misunderstood.

Tres hombres son encarcelados por crímenes graves, todos con sentencia de veinte años en confinamiento solitario. A cada uno se le permite llevar a su celda una sola cosa.

El primero pide un montón de libros. El segundo pide que lo acompañe su esposa. Y el tercero pide doscientos cartones de cigarrillos. Al final de los veinte años, abren la celda del primer prisionero, quien sale y dice, Estudié tan duro que ahora me convertiré en abogado e iniciaré una nueva vida. Abren la puerta del segundo. Sale con su esposa y cinco hijos y dice: Esto fue lo mejor que me ha pasado. Mi esposa y yo nunca habíamos estado tan unidos, y tengo una nueva familia maravillosa.

Finalmente abre la puerta del tercer prisionero y éste sale tocándose los bolsillos y diciendo: Alguien tiene un encendedor.

Spinster: A bachelors wife.

Private Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Servicemans Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasnt long before the centers Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Joness sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said, If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you dont have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.

Now, he concluded, which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?

Q. How do you get rid of a boomerang?

A: Throw it down a one way street.

Ed finally decides to take a vacation. He books himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeds to have the time of his life –until the boat sank. He found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies…nothing… only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to him. In disbelief, he asks her, Where did you come from? How did you get here?

I rowed from the other side of the island, she says. I landed here when my cruise ship sank.

Amazing, he says. You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.

Oh, this? replies the woman. I made the rowboat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches. And the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.

But, but, thats impossible, stutters Ed. You had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?

Oh, that was no problem, replies the woman. On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of alluvial rock exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware. Ed is stunned. Lets row over to my place, she says.

After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As Ed looks onto shore, he nearly falls out of the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, he could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, Its not much, but I call it home. Sit down please. Would you like to have a drink?

No, no, thank you. he says, still dazed. Cant take any more coconut juice. Its not coconut juice, the woman replies. How about a Pina Colada?

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