Old and New Jokes

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, Youve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snakes body for a few minutes, he asserted, Well, youre scaly, youre slimy, youve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and youve got a forked tongue. I think youre a lawyer!

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

10. Did anyone think about bringing a couple of
umbrellas?

9. Hey, there are more than two flies in here!

8. Wasnt someone supposed to put two shovels on board?

7. OK, whos the wise-guy who brought the mosquitoes on
board?

6. Help! I need some Pepto for the elephants, QUICK!

5. Dont Make Me Pull This Ark Over And Come Back There!

4. No Ham, you cannot eat the Pig!

3. And whatever you do, DO NOT pull this plug out.

2. Nice Doggie!

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING OVERHEARD ON NOAHS ARK…..

1. Are We There Yet?

Llega una señora al consultorio del cirujano plástico y dice:

Quisiera que me dejara como nueva porque me voy a casar y mi novio cree que soy virgen, pero ya no…

Por supuesto, le cuesta cincuenta mil pesos.

Oiga, doctor ¿no habrá algo mas barato? Es que no puedo pagar eso.

Bueno, algo rápido podría ser por veinte mil.

No, no bájele más por favor.

Bueno ¿qué le parece diez mil pesos?

Mire, le voy a ser sincera, sólo traigo 500 pesos, ¿me lo hace?

Ummm, bueno quítese las pantaletas y acuéstese aquí.

Se acuesta y el doctor le manipula en sus genitales y antes de 2 minutos le dice, ya está, se puede ir.

¿Cómo, tan pronto? no es posible.

Que ya está, págueme.

La señora paga y se va y regresa a los 15 dias y le dice:

Doctor, ¿qué cosa me hizo?, qué increible, fue un dolor que ni en la primera vez y un sangradero bruto y mi esposo no podía meterlo, pues qué me hizo y tan rápido.

Pues qué quería que le hiciera por 500 pesos. Agarré 3 pelos de un lado y 3 pelos del otro lado y los amarré enmedio.

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, tells the teller that she has $5,000,000.00 in cash to be used to open an account. However, before she just hands over that much money, she would like to meet the man who runs things.

The teller calls the bank president, and arranges the meeting. The lady goes into his office, and after introductions are made, the bank president asks the lady how she came to have so much cash on hand.



The lady tells him that shes an avid gambler. The bank president says You must be the luckiest person that Ive ever met, to win so much! No replies the lady, I will only bet on a sure thing, and since I am somewhat gifted with the ability to see the future, ALL of my bets are sure things.



The bank president smiles and says No, it must be luck madam. There is no such thing as a sure thing. Ill prove it! says the lady. She then closes her eyes and starts to hum softly for about 30 seconds. O.K…I have looked into your future and Im afraid theres bad news. By 8:00 a.m tomorrow, your testicles will have changed shape and will be perfectly square.



The bank president is starting to think this lady is nuts, so he tells her that he has no more time for this malarky and he would like for her to leave. The lady refuses, and proposes a wager. The man declines until the old lady says Look, Ill bet you $5,000.00 that by 8:00 tomorrow morning, your testicles will be square! What have you got to lose? You claim I cant win – theres no such thing as A sure thing…right? By this the bank pres. is really starting to dislike this old broad, and not only would he enjoy teaching her a lesson, he could use the $5K. O.K fine! he yells You got a bet!.



Wonderful! proclaims the lady, Ill see you 1st thing tomorrow. Do you mind if my attorney accompanies me? I always have him present for wagers over $500.00. The man replies Lady, I dont care who you bring, as long as you bring the money!



That night the bank president has some strange dreams, and what the lady said is really starting to get to him. The next morning, hes greatly releaved to see that everything is the same shape as always. He dresses, and goes to the bank where he finds the lady and a man waiting for him.



Well says the lady, Do you want to have the money deposited into my new account, or do you have cash?



The bank pres. smiles and replies I feel bad doing this, but nutty old dames like you need to be taught a lesson sometimes, and I know that you can afford it, so it is you that must pay. You see, my testicles are the same shape theyve always been. Not the slightest bit square. What! cries the lady, That cant be!! I never imagined that it would come to this, but I wont pay one cent until Ive examined the testicles myself!



The bank pres. blushes with embarrassment, but finally replies Under the circumstances, I suppose thats not unreasonable and with that he drops his pants. The lady gets on her knees to grasp him, and her attorney screams DAMMIT YOU OLD BAT!! YOUVE DONE IT TO ME AGAIN!! and he hands her $15,000.00 in cash.



At this point the bank president is completely lost. What in the hell was that all about? he asks. Oh, says the lady as she carefully puts the money into her bag I bet him that I would literally have the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls before 9:00 this morning. So heres the $5,000.00 that I lost to you, and please add the other $10,000.00 to my new account

On a hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.

On a bag of chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

On a bar of soap:
Directions: use like regular soap.

On some frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: defrost.

On a hotel-provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.

On packaged Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box):
Do not turn upside down.

On packaged Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.

On packaging for an iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.

On childrens cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.

On sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

On peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.

On a packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.

On a childs Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Over the weekend, Steve bought a new car. He was so excited about it that he had to take a picture of it to bring to work with him to show everyone. The picture was a Polaroid snapshot of his wife sitting in one of the front seats.

Steve crowed as he showed the picture to co-worker Jim, Its got power steering, anti-lock brakes, cruise control and a drivers side air bag.

Jim squinted at the picture. Having never seen Steves wife before, he asked, Whos that?

Oh, said Steve with a grin, another feature, my passenger-side wind bag!

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says Im sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, Guess who?

But why? asks the man.

Im a divorce lawyer, the man replies.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "Whats taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!"The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.""Forget it, man," said his partner, "you dont stand a snowballschance in hell of hitting her from here!"

I always give 100% at my work:15% on Monday
25% on Tuesday
35% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
and 5% on Friday