Old and New Jokes

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I dont understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?

Maam, the officer replies, You werent speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.

Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour! the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

But before I let you go, Maam, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they havent muttered a single peep this whole time, the officer asks.

Oh, theyll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142.

El cielo y el infierno se encontraban en un dilema, para resolver sobre el alma de un abogado, ya que el cielo no tenía ninguno. Deciden hacer un partido de fútbol para ver quien se lo lleva, y San Pedro se burla:

¡Ja, ja, ja!, perdiste diablo, porque conmigo están Maradona, Pelé, Garrincha, Cruiff, y otros.

Sin preocuparse, el diablo le responde:

¿Y, qué? Mira en el banquillo a quienes tenemos nosotros.

En la banca, los tres árbitros estaban sentados.

Llega un señor a la farmacia y le dice al que atiende:

“Señor, deme 400 condones”

“¡¿400 condones?!”

“Sí”.

“Pues mejor se lo enmico”.

Jake was watching vigilantly at his dying wifes side. Sleep now, its all right, he told her. But she kept trying to sit up and said, Honey, I really need to tell you something. Finally Jake let her get it off her chest.

Jake, honey, I need to tell you something before I die. During the last two months, I slept with your brother, your best friend and your father.

Dont worry about it, Jake said, I allready know. Why do you think I poisoned you?

Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, Is it true that if you pull your finger out, Ill sink ?

yo mama soooo poor she went to the dollar tree and put a $0.99,5 pack of gum on lay-a-way.

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, Im Stupid. That way you wouldnt rely on them, would you? You wouldnt ask them anything. It would be like, Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didnt see your sign.

Its like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says Hey, you moving?

Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Heres your sign.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, Hey, yall catch all them fish? No – We talked em into giving up. Heres your sign.

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And theres only one way to test it. Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you. Well, all right, but hold my sign. I dont wanna lose it!

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, Tire go flat? I couldnt resist. said, Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me! Heres your sign.

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, Darn thats hot! See? If hed been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldnt ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldnt get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign…until he asked So.. is your truck stuck? I couldnt help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said no Im delivering a bridge…heres your sign.

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they discuss her rating, which is on a 1 to 10 scale.

One says, Id give her a 7. Shes really quite pretty. Another agrees, and so does the third.

The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, Nah, Id only give her a 3.

A 3? How can you give her a 3? says one of the three guys at the table. Shes a real pretty girl.

The bartender, walking away, says, Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women.

The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9.

However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that hed only give her a 5.

A 5? How can you give her just a 5? Shes absolutely gorgeous!

The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women.

The Budweiser method? they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.

Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde, 511 goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three judges at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10.

However, carrying a case of beer past them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7.

A 7 ?!? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7? Shes friggin gorgeous!

Well, says the bartender again, I use the Budweiser method for rating women.

Budweiser! says one of the guys, exasperated. What in the hell is this Budweiser method for rating women?

Well, says the bartender, the Budweiser method for rating women is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her.

These are some memos found in the trash behind the primary building of
the FBI (Federal Bureau of Incompetents) in Washington, D.C. Theyre
probably classified information, and possession of them on your computer
system no doubt is considered a federal offense. Enjoy!

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
This small Wacko cult isnt giving in. Do you have any instructions?
Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Try playing Feelings over and over again 24 hours a day. That should
get the point across.
The Director

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
Thank you for the suggestion. Unfortunately, playing Feelings over
and over again 24 hours a day has succeeded only in convincing the Wacko folks
that the end of the world is at hand. Theyre a bit less cooperative now.
Any more suggestions?
Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Add searchlights at night. And add to the playlist something by
The Partridge Family.
Still The Director

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
They like the Partridge Family.
Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Sickos.
STD

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
Were getting bored out here. Can we go in now?
Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Not until weve wiped their reputation a bit. Notify the reporters
about Koreshs sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
The Director and Producer

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
We have no substantiated reports of sexual abuse of young, baby frogs.
Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Do you have a point?
The Brilliant

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
Unsubstantiated rumors of baby frog abuse will not withstand scrutiny.
Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
What scrutiny are you expecting, agent? Whos going to stand up for
a cult leader whos abused baby frogs?
Better than Brilliant

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
Weve had a tiny accident at the compound.
Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
How tiny?
Better than Brilliant,
but slighty Worried

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
It kind of like, burned down. Sort of. Sir.
Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Notify the press the cultists committed mass suicide by burning down
their compound.
Brilliant, Almost Godlike

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
We havent gathered any evidence at all yet, let alone of
a mass suicide.
Pretty Good Agent 2×3276

>To: ATF Agent 2×3276
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Agent:
Do you have a point?
Try to remain more formal in your memos.
The BAG Director

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: ATF Agent 2×3276
>Sir:
No sir, thank you sir.
Agent 2×3276

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: President Billy Bob Clinton
>Will:
What the hell are you folks doing over there?
Bill

>To: President William Clinton
>From: FBI Director William Sessions
>Sir:
Just doing our best to maintain law and order on a cult of
baby-frog-abusing Partridge Family fans, sir.
Director Sessions

>To: FBI Director William Sessions
>From: President Billy Bob Clinton
>Will:
Oh. Okay.
Mr. Bill

>To: Members of the Press
>From: President William Clinton
>Dear Members of the Press:
The FBI has informed me of a tiny error theyve made. I take full
reponsibility. It wasnt my fault.
The President