Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so ugly just after she was born, her mother said What a treasure! and her father said Yes, lets go bury it.

These future bestsellers will not only be popular to the stupid, but they will also save trees. When they come out, you can expect each of them to take up no more than half of a page.

1. Attractive leaders of the Feminist Movement
2. Clinton Policies that actually save money
3. The Logic of the Politically Correct
4. History of the Countries where Socialism worked
5. Good Points of Clintons Health Program
6. Nazi-Feminists that Makes Sense
7. The Submissive Woman by Hillary Clinton.
8. Creating New Jobs in America – by Bill Clinton
9. Life During Wartime by Bill Clinton.
10. Avoiding the Tax and Spend Government – by Slick Willy
11. Why People are More Important than Animals – Greenpeace
12. Deep-Thinking Liberals
13. The Contribution of Political Correctness to Free Speech
14. Why Political Correctness is not Censorship
15. The Merits of Gun Control
16. Feminists Worth Marrying
17. How Mass Unemployment Helps the Economy by Socialists.
18. To Tell the Truth – by President Bill Clinton
19. Unshakeable Principles I Live By – by Bill Clinton
20. The Golden Voice of Roger Clinton
21. Roger Clinton: My Career Without My Brother Bill

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers that, If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.

No, Clinton says, That would be an ACCIDENT.

A girl raises her hand. If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone inside…that would be a tragedy.

Im afraid not, explains Clinton. That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.

The room is silent; none of the other children dare volunteer.

What? asks Clinton, Isnt there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?

Finally a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: If an airplane carrying Bill and Hillary Clinton was blown up by a bomb, *that* would be a tragedy.

Wonderful! Clinton beams. Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?

Well, says the boy, because it wouldnt be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss!

There are more jokes like this at http://www.dirtylaughs.com

Boris was working in the potato fields,when he found a lamp. he rubbed it to clean it up when a genie appeared. the genie gave him one wish.boris did not believe the genie so he asked the genie to make his pee turn into the finest russian vodka the land has ever tasted.the genie said that will be done ,whenever you pee it will be vodka. boris went home that night to tell his wife,natasha, about the experience with the genie.together they decided to taste boris pee and sure enough it did taste like vodka, in fact the best they had ever tasted.so every night after work boris would rush home from the fields and promptly set out two glasses and then pee into each one for him and natasha to enjoy the vodka.one night boris came home and set out one glass,natasha noticed this and asked him if they were going to drink vodka tonite and boris replied,yes my dear we are,but tonite you drink from the bottle.

Everything east of the San Andreas fault will eventually plunge into the Atlantic Ocean.

Old poker players never die, they just cash in their chips.

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

Nice bike, the cop said. Did Santa bring it to you?

Yep, the little girl said, he sure did!

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?

Yes, he sure did, chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, Next year tell Santa the huge dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. I cant stand this, said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. Hold it, hold it, he said to the men. Can you tell me whats going on here with this digging? Well, we work for the county government, one of the men said. But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. Youre not accomplishing anything. Arent you wasting the countys money? You dont understand, mister, one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. Normally theres three of us–me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back. Yea, piped up Mike. Now just because Rodneys sick, that dont mean we cant work, does it?

Pillow talk in Missouri: Has sex been outlawed?

KANSAS CITY, Mo. (AP) – Birds do it. Bees do it. But Missourians arent allowed to do it, according to some interpretations of a new state law.

I dont know what they were trying to say, but I know that what they did say seems to outlaw sex altogether, said David Foster, director of the writing lab a the University of Missouri-Kansas City.

Others disagree. One legislator says it legalizes homosexual sex and outlaws nonconsensual sex. Another says it outlaws homosexual sex and nonconsensual sex.

The law, which took effect Aug. 28, says: A person commits the crime of sexual misconduct in the first degree if he has deviate sexual intercourse with another person of the same sex, or he purposely subjects another person to sexual contact or engages in conduct which would constitute sexual contact except that the touching occurs through the clothing without that persons consent.

Attorney Dan Viets wrote about the statute in the fall issue of the Missouri Association of Criminal Defense Lawyers newsletter, saying it appears to outlaw any purposeful sexual contact.

House Speaker bob Griffin says the only way the sentence makes sense is if the reader applies the without that persons consent phrase to all three parts of the sentence. In that case, gay sex between consenting adults would be legal, Griffin said.

Thats the only way you can read it, he said. It doesnt make any sense in the scheme of human nature that it would read otherwise.

But state Sen. Larry Rohrbach, a Republican, says the law explicitly prohibits gay sex.

I dont think theres a problem with the law as its written, he said.

Most Missourians need not fear.

The Missouri Supreme Court plans to release new instructions that would make it clear that the law applies only to sex without consent, said Cole County Prosecutor Richard Callahan.

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.

WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD OF OZ? WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I had a terrible time with Iran, so Ive come for some courage.

NO PROBLEM says the Wizard, WHO IS NEXT?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Well …, Well …, Well …, I need a brain.

DONE says the Wizard. WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?

Up steps George Bush sadly; Im told by the American people that I need a heart.

IVE HEARD ITS TRUE, says the Wizard. CONSIDER IT DONE.

Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, not saying a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, WELL, WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?

Is Dorothy around?

Dorothy: How can you talk if you havent got a brain?

Scarecrow: I dont know. But some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, dont they?