A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until its his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, How many pounds?
The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.
He then said, Anything else?
The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, How many?
The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dogs neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, Thats a really smart dog you have there.
The owner said, Hes not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key.
How do you kill all the mexicans in the world?
Bomb a swap meet.
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Why do all the mexicans go to a funeral?
For the free food.
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What do you call a bunch of black people running down a hill?
A mudslide.
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Why are black people afraid of motocycles?
Because they sound like theyre saying, Run niga niga niga, run niga niga niga…
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what do you call a bunch of white people in the middle of a larger group of black people?
A Ho-Ho.
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What do you call a bunch of white people in a yellow bus?
A twinkie.
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How do white people get away with breaking the law?
They say Sorry officer. I didnt know I couldnt do that.
Some of you may not find these at all funny but their is defintely a demographic that loves them. We decided to just collect as many as possible and throw them all onto one page. Enjoy!
Yo mammas so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
Yo mammas so fat her clothes have stretch marks.
Yo mammas so fat she needs a watch on both arms because she covers two time zones.
Yo mammas so fat, she has two stomaches…one for meats and one for vegetables.
Yo mammas so fat she needs a hula hoop to keep up her socks.
Yo mammas so fat when she goes to a restaurant she doesnt get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo mammas so fat, she sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo mammas so fat, her belt size is equator.
Yo mammas so fat, when she fell in love she broke it.
Yo mammas so fat, she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo mammas so fat, every time she puts an apple in her mouth people try to roast her.
Yo mammas so fat, when she turns around they throw her a welcome back party.
Yo mammas so fat, she had her baby pictures taken by satellite.
Yo mammas so fat she was baptized in Sea World.
Yo mammas so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.
Yo mammas so fat, when she went to the beach, shes the only one who got a tan.
Yo mammas so fat your bathtub has stretch marks.
Yo mammas so fat shes on both sides of your family.
Yo mammas so fat shes like the Bermuda Traingle; when kids run around her they get lost.
Yo mammas so fat, when I got on top of her my ears popped.
Yo mammas so fat, when I tried to drive around her, I ran out of gas.
Yo mammas so fat, they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo mammas so fat, when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.
Yo mammas so fat, she has her own area code.
Yo mammas so fat, they ahd to grease the bathtub to get her out.
Yo mammas so fat, when she bungee jumps she brings down the bridge too.
Yo mammas so fat, when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight.
Yo mammas so fat, Bill Gates couldnt pay for her liposuction.
Yo mammas so fat, when her beeper went off, they thought she was backing up.
Yo mammas so fat she shows up on radar.
Yo mammas so fat, she has more chins than the Hong Kong phone book.
Yo mammas so fat, her high school year book picture was an aerial picture.
Yo mammas so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
Yo mammas so fat, her belly jiggle is the first ever perpetual motion machine.
Yo mammas so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo mammas so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
Yo mammas so fat, all of her clothes have to be custom made by a contractor.
Yo mammas so fat, when she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease, the doctor gave her 5 years to live.
Yo mammas so fat, shes got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
Yo mammas so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
Yo mammas so fat, her ass has its own congressman.
Yo mammas so fat, when she goes to the circus she sees the big top and asks Where can I try that on?
Yo mammas so fat, when she leaves the beach everybody shouts The coast is clear.
Yo mammas so fat, when the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldnt identify them.
Yo mammas so fat, she went on a seafood diet… Whenever she saw food she ate it.
Yo mammas so stupid, she sold her car for gas money.
Yo mammas so stupid she cant pass a blood test.
Yo mammas so stupid that when she swam accross the East River, she got tired half way and swam back!
Yo mammas so stupid, she put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her mind.
Yo mammas so dumb she stole free cheese.
Yo mammas so dumb she asked for a price check at the $2 shop.
Yo mammas so stupid that when I asked her to buy me a color TV she asked What color?
Yo mammas so dumb, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo mammas so dumb she brought a spoon to the Super-Bowl.
Yo mammas so dumb, she locked herself in a motorcycle.
Yo mammas so stupid, she climbed over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
Yo mammas so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
Yo mammas so dumb it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Yo mammas so dumb, she got locked in a supermarket overnight and died of starvation.
Yo mammas so dumb, when the sign said Dont Walk, she froze and got hit by a bus.
Yo mammas so stupid, she ordered a cheeseburger without the cheese.
Yo mammas so dumb, on the job application where it said sign here, she wrote Aquarius.
Yo mammas so dumb she tried to drown a fish.
Yo mammas so dumb she put ice cubes in the freezer to keep the refrigerator cold.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Josette!
Josette who!
Josette down!
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
88. Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave Slim Jim wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
Captain Pennys Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you Cant Fool Mom.
Neville, Daniel and Rhonda are floating in a life boat after their ship had sunk in the Atlantic. Neville sits up and looks about. He sees an island on the horizon, but cant believe his eyes. After conferring w/ the other two, they decide that there is no such thing as group hallucination and paddle toward the island.
They have not been on the island long when it begins to rain. This is another miracle, and the three believe that God is w/ them.
The following day, early in the morning, Rhonda starts screaming and wakes the other two. Its a ship, its a ship! cries she.
The other two rise from their somnulescent posture and look. Sure enough, there is a ship on the horizon.
Were saved, were saved! cry they, and begin to dance around in circles. As the ship comes closer, Daniel peers to catch the name on the starboard side: The Titanic he reads out slowly.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportations driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He cant see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, Guns dont kill people. I do. >
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too shit-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: Id probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave hello if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
Q: Why would it be difficult to be a police officer?
A: It would be tough to be a $@#!head all day long.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
Q: What are raging hormones?
A: Thats the sound an angry prostitute makes.