Old and New Jokes

Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink? The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening? The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rats music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. Sorry, the man replies, hes not for sale. The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. No, he insists, hes not for sale. The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

Are you insane? the bartender demanded. That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000! Dont worry about it. the man answered. The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rats a ventriloquist.

Whats the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

A canoe tips.

In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, Sure, do that before I kill them!

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, Where is God?

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, Where is God?

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boys nose, and asked, Where is God?

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, We are in BIG trouble!

The older boy asked, What do you mean, BIG trouble?

His brother replied, God is missing and they think we did it.

Give the bitch a shovel!

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. One turns to the other and says: You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building- by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window. The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.

The 2nd Man says: What are you a nut? There is no way in heck that could happen.

1st Man: No its true let me prove it to you. So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.

The 2nd Man tells him: You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.

1st Man: No, Ill prove it again and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.

2nd Man: Well what the heck, it works, Ill try it. So he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors and hits the sidewalk with a splat.

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker:

You know, Superman, youre a real jerk when youre drunk.

What did the blonde say when she opened a box of cheerios?

Oh! Look!! Doughnut seeds!!!

One day a little boy was walking with his sister when they came upon a maple tree. The little boys sister desided to climb the tree. When she got to the top, the little boy looked up to see how far up the tree she was. When he looked up, he noticed that she didnt have on any underware. He said, Hey sis! Whats that? A little bit of this and a little bit of that, she replied. When they got home that night, the little boy asked his mother, What are we having for supper tonight? A little bit of this and a little bit of that. The little boy looked at his mother strangely and replied, Can you pick the hairs off mine first?

A: Pregnant.

Q. If youre American in the kitchen, what are you in the bathroom?

A. European.