Old and New Jokes

Le dice el nieto a la abuela:

A que no llevas bragas.

Se le queda la abuela mirando y, perpleja, le responde:

Pues no, ¿y tú cómo lo sabes?

El nieto se ríe pícaramente y le contesta:

¡Lo sé porque tienes caspa en las zapatillas!

A man wakes up in a hospital bed after a terrible accident and cries –

DOC, DOC…I cant feel my legs, I cant feel my legs!!!



Well of course you cant silly!, replies the Doc…

Ive cut off both of your arms.

A woman went to her doctor and complained that her husband was 300% impotent.

The doctor replied, Im not sure I understand what you mean.



She answered, Well, the first 100% you can imagine. In addition, he burned his tongue and broke his finger!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
James!
James who!
James people play!

You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
— Henny Youngman

The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps theyre too old to do it.
— Ann Bancroft

Any husband who says. My wife and I are completely equal partners, is talking about either a law firm or a hand of
bridge. — Bill Cosby

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. Theyve experienced pain and bought jewelry.
— Rita Rudner

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
— Benjamin Franklin

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

— Henny Youngman

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
— Rodney Dangerfield

A good wife always forgives her husband when shes wrong.
— Milton Berle

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
— George Burns

Whats the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds. — Cindy Garner

When women are depressed, they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country. Its a whole different way of thinking.
— Elaine Boosler

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, There was water in the carburetor. I said, Wheres the car? She said, In the lake.
— Henny Youngman

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
— Phyllis Diller

My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
— Rita Rudner

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
— Henny Youngman

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.
— Erma Bombeck

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off the high dive.

7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

8. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they dont want it.

10. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

11. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

12. Your grandmother has Ammo on her Christmas list.

13. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

14. Youve bathed with flea and tick soap.

15. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

16. You have used a rag for a gas cap.

17. Your house doesnt have curtains but your truck does.

18. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

19. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

20. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

21. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

22. Youve used your ironing board as a buffet table.

23. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

24. Your neighbors think youre a detective because a cop always brings you home.

25. Youve used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

26. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

This man had been having a few beers down at the neighbourhood bar. It was dark out and he was walking home by a park when nature called so he stepped behind a hedge to relieve himself. To his and their surprise a couple were going at it on the grass and he almost stepped on them. The guy got up and took off running.

The man could see the naked outline of the gals bare legs as she continued to lie there while he relieved himself. He could feel his interest grow as he finished. Without a word he got down on his knees between her legs and took advantage of the situation. She embraced him and showed her willingness.

Just as they were both getting into it hot and heavy a cop walked by and shined his flashlight on them saying, What the hell do you think your doing, this is a public park.

The man said, But officer this is my wife.

The officer said, Oh, I didnt know she was your wife.

The man said, Neither did I till you shined your light on her.

You might be a redneck if…
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. Then one day, the teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine.

Children, Id like you to close your eyes and taste these, announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and mint but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.

Ill give you a hint, said the teacher.

Its something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time.

Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of hi mouth and shouted, Spit em out, you guys, theyre assholes!

How do some men avoid making a wrong career move?

They never get a job!