Old and New Jokes

One night, the Potato family – Mother Potato and her three daughters – sat down to dinner. Midway through the meal, the eldest daughter spoke up. Mother Potato? she said. I have an announcement to make.

And what might that be? said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughters eyes.

Well, replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, Im getting married!

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, Married! Thats wonderful! And who are you marrying, eldest daughter?

Im marrying a Russet!

A Russet! replied Mother Potato with pride. Oh, a Russet is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!

As the family shared in the eldest daughters joy, the middle daughter spoke up. Mother, I too, have anannouncement.

And what might that be? asked Mother Potato.

Not knowing quite how to begin, the middle daughter paused, then said with conviction, I, too, am getting married!

You, too!Mother Potato said with joy. Thats wonderful! Twice the good news in one evening! And who are you marrying, middle daughter?

Im marrying an Idaho, beamed the middle daughter.

An Idaho! said Mother Potato with joy. Oh, an Idaho is a fine tater, a fine tater indeed!

Once again, the room came alive with laughter and excited plans for the future, when the youngest Potato daughter interrupted. Mother? Mother Potato?

Umm, I, too, have anannouncement to make.

Yes? said Mother Potato with great anticipation.

Well, began the youngest Potato daughter with the same sheepish grin as her eldest sister before her,I hope this doesnt come as a shock to you, but I am getting married, as well!

Really? said Mother Potato with sincere excitement. All of my lovely daughters married! What wonderful news! And who, pray tell, are you marrying, youngest daughter, dear?

Im marrying Dan Rather!

Dan Rather?!

Mother Potato scowled suddenly. But hes just a common tater!

Cuenta una joven que, en una noche borrascosa, en medio de una travesía en el Pacífico, estaba ella en su camarote desvistiéndose para acostarse, cuando le sobrevino un terrible mareo. Temiendo lo peor, salió al pasillo y corrió a toda prisa en busca del sanitario cuando, de improviso, se tropezó con un señor de edad en el mismo estado lastimoso que ella. Horrorizada, dio un grito, pues sólo entonces comprendió que sin darse cuenta, se había salido del camarote tal como Dios la trajo al mundo.

No se preocupe usted por mí, señorita. ¡De ésta no saldré con vida para contar lo que he visto!, le dijo el caballero, abriendo los ojos en demasía y llevándose las manos al corazón.

Resulta que eran dos maricas que eran pareja, Doroteo (Dory) y Baudelio (Baudi), y llega corriendo Dory emocionado(a) con Baudy:

¡Baudy, Baudy! ¡No me lo vas a creer! ¿adivina que me pasó?

Y Baudy sorprendido le responde:

¿Qué?

Pues… ¡que ya me bajooo!

Noooooo, no lo puedo creer…

Siiiiiiiiii, fíjate y verás

Baudy se asoma a verle la entrepierna y le ve un sangrero y pega un gritote de emoción:

¡Sí es cierto, sí es cierto! No seas mala, pasate la receta, ¿qué te hiciste?

Pues nomás me tomé un té de hojas.

¿Pero hojas de qué? ¿de yerba buena? ¿de cilantro? ¿de naranjo? ¿de queeeee?

¡Pues de hojas de rasurar!

Two blondes are on a bus and one of them looks out the window and sees two other blondes in the middle of a feild rowing a boat. She turns to the other blonde and says Its blondes like that who give us blondes a bad name. and she replied yeah and if i could swim ide kill her!

The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope.

Put a Mac in front of everything you say. Example: Excuse me, Mac-sir but could I get some Mac-salt with my
Mac-fries.(MacCOUGH MacCOUGH) And could you give me Mac-directions to the Mac-grocerie Mac-store? Mac-Thanks.When going thru the drive thru, change your order every time they repeat it.Order a burger with no bun but extra ketchup.Bring in a dead mouse, put it in your drink and sue.Ask your server to stop intentionly insulting your race.Order a Whopper.Park just the right amount of space away from the drive thru window so that they cant reach you.When ordering at the drive thru, turn up the radio and open the door so that it goes..DING..DING..DING.Speak in an exaggerated staticy voice like the one your hearing thru the drive thru speaker and then when you pull up speak like that again.Step in dog crud before you come in.Tell them that you are the state inspector and try to get into the kitchen.

Q. Why dont polish women use vibrators?

A. It chips their teeth.

A bloke who had just bought a pint of beer in a pub remembered that he had to make a telephone call. To make sure nobody stole his beer he wrote untruthfully on a piece of paper: I have spat in this beer

On his return, he found that his beer was intact, but someone had added the words: So have I.

Microsoft announces beta relase of Windows TP

REDMOND, WA (MAR. 31) BUSINESS WIRE – Microsoft Corp. announced Thursday that a beta release of Windows TP, the telepathic operating system, was released to 1,500 test sites worldwide.

Developed using the soon-to-be released Microsoft C for Neurons, Windows TP bypasses awkward user interfaces by interacting directly with the users brain. Using the Microsoft MindMouse, users can visualize images in their mind, and the application associated with that image (or thought icon) is executed. Users can visualize pictures to create Windows Bitmap images, or think text directly into Windows applications. Windows TP is fully compatible with all previous versions of Windows. Data stored under Windows TP can be copied into the users short-term memory (the Windows TP Clipboard), or transferred directly into the users long-term memory using Windows new 32-bit Direct Neuron Access technology. Users can then plug into other Windows TP systems to transfer the data.

Microsoft also announced the first application developed exclusively for Windows TP. CyberMail is a mental mail system designed to transfer messages by thought. Users visualize the person or company logo they want to send a message to, followed by the message to send. Microsoft has had a beta version of the application in use for several months.

Founded in 1975, Microsoft (NASDAQ:MSFT) is the worldwide leader in software for personal computers. The company offers a wide range of products and services for business and personal use, each designed with the mission of making it easier and more enjoyable for people to take advantage of the full power of personal computing every day.

CONTACT: Microsoft Corporation Liz Wagthor, 206/555-8080 (CyberMail address: A short, dumpy lady, with shiny red hair, and a really gross mole growing on the right side of her lip. A blue tattoo on her right arm says, Billy Gs the Man for Me.)

Originally from Dave Coble
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