What happens when people of different occupations get old.
– Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
– Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
– Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
– Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Q: How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two–one to say Shell be right mate and one to fetch the beers.
Marriage still confers one very special privilege – only a married person can get divorced.
Two rules to success in life: 1. Dont tell people everything you know.
Two men are meeting on the street.
It was very cold this morning.
How cold was it?
I do not know exactly, but I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
… that the husbands of the ten best-dressed women are never on the list of the ten best-dressed men?
… that health clubs advertising on TV never show people who look like they need to be there?
… that the older you get, the better an athlete you used to be?
… that the phone will not ring for the first 15 minutes of the day unless youre late; if youre late, it will ring continuously until you arrive?
… that a boring person is never hoarse?
… that the waiter who hovered over your table before you were ready to go to order is nowhere to be seen when youre ready for the cheque?
yo mamma is so fat she eats her coco pops in a satalite
Yo Mama is so fat that when she sleeps around the house, she sleeps AROUND the house.
Whats the best thing about having Alzheimers Disease?
1: You can hide your own Easter eggs. 2: You are always meeting new people. 3: You never have to watch reruns on television.
A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the
collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that
perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving
more.
And just how would I go about doing that? he asked.
It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that
the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone
voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a
slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the
collection plate.
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and
behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher
did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every
Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried
his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the
chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud
thud and springs and parts flew everywhere. Crap! exclaimed the
pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.