Old and New Jokes

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa. The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.

A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma. The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street — she never felt a thing.

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy.

His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldnt concentrate, however, thinking about those words, Goodbye Daddy. He finally came home early, but very carefully.

He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing — the milkman dropped dead on the back porch.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So, next Sunday he took the Monsignors advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got so nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the vodka; dont gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say, Eat me.

12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the cherry.

13. The recommended Grace before a meal is not, Rub-a-dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at Saint Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at Saint Taffys.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been rounding up bad guys all day, and were
in big-time need of a beer. They rode their horses as fast as they could
to the nearest town, and tied them to the rail outside the saloon.

The Lone Ranger told Tonto to stay outside a little while and run around
Silver real fast so that Silver doesnt get sick from overheating.

Tonto said, Sure thing, Kemosabe, and did as he was asked.

While the Lone Ranger was inside having his beer, a stranger walked in and
asked, Who owns that big white stallion tied up outside?

I do, said the Lone Ranger, whats it to you?

The stranger ordered a beer, turned to Lone Ranger and said, Nothin to
me, Pardner, but you left your injun runnin

If you took an IQ test, the results would be negative.

This is from the british-cars@alliant.com mailing list.

My SO found this in the July 1990 Readers Digest:
[Ed: I heard it much prior to that, though]

An MG Midget pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at a traffic light.
Do you have a car phone? its driver asked the guy in the Rolls.

Of course I do, replied the haughty deluxe-car driver.

Well, do you have a fax machine?

The driver in the Rolls sighed. I have that too.

Then do you have a double bed in the back? the Midget driver
wanted to know.

Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off. That afternoon, he had a
mechanic install a double bed in his auto.

A week later, the Rolls driver passes the same MG Midget, which is
parked on the side of the road–back windows fogged up and steam
pouring out. The arrogant driver pulls over, gets out of the Rolls
and bangs on the Midgets back window until the driver sticks his head
out. I want you to know that I had a double bed installed, brags
the Rolls driver.

The Midget driver is unimpressed. You got me out of the shower to
tell me that?

(–Quoted by David Greason, New York Times News Service)

Welcome to EBONICS 101

Herein follow a few terms to help you get started on your merry way towards the ve-nak-u-lar…

Damn- that shit is DOPE!

That is a wonderful concept/object/action.

Cant FADE that.

I am unable to comprehend or assimilate that concept at this time.

Shante aint havin it.

This is not something that Shante will allow to occur.

Homey- Boo was dropping PHAT beats.

Our friend Boo was playing some wonderful music.

YO!- Let me GAFFLE that BLUNT!

Might I be able to indulge in your marijuana cigarette?

JIMMY was on and I was HITTIN it!

I had in my possession a condom, which was used in my engagement of sexual activity.

Whats up? Why you ALL UP in my shit!?!

Please sir/madam- stay out of my affairs.

She is HELLA CLOWIN you HOMEY!

The woman is creatively informing you that her interest in dating you is non-existent at this time.

Woooooo- Renaldo was PITCHIN STRAIGHT GAME to baby-doll, and it was SMOOOOVE!

Renaldo was creatively inquiring as to the marital status of the female, with the intention of asking her on a date.

STEP OFF Cool- before I bust PHAT CAPS in your A** with my NEINER…

It would be beneficial to your physical state to leave this area, as I will soon be encouraged by your disrespect towards me to shoot bullets into your buttocks with my 9mm pistol.

Why is 5-OH always BUGGIN!?!~~~~

Why are the police officers always worried?

Friday night- COLD CHILLIN with a 40 and a BLUNT.~~~~

It is Friday eve, and I am leisurely enjoying a forty ounce bottle of malt liquor and a marijuana cigarette.

• Preheat oven, get out utensils and ingredients.
• Remove blocks and toy autos from table.
• Grease pan, crack nuts.
• Measure two cups flour;
• Remove babys hands from flour, wash flour off baby.
• Remeasure flour.
• Put flour, baking powder, salt in sifter.
• Get dustpan and brush up pieces of bowl baby knocked on floor.
• Get another bowl.
• Answer doorbell.
• Return to kitchen.
• Remove babys hands from bowl.
• Wash baby.
• Answer phone.
• Return.
• Remove 1/4 inch salt from greased pan.
• Look for baby.
• Grease another pan.
• Answer telephone.
• Return to kitchen and find baby.
• Remove babys hands from bowl.
• Take up greased pan, find layer of nutshells in it.
• Head for baby, who flees, knocking bowl off table.
• Wash kitchen floor, table, wall, dishes.
• Call baker.
• Lie down.

[I got this from They Used to Call Me Snow White…But I Drifted
by Regina Barreca. CTM]

This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy
night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesnt have any gloves
so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands. Put
your hands between my legs to warm them up, says she. So he does,
and goes back out to the flat tire. Its so cold, he has to come back
in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation,
between her legs. He finally finishes the job and comes back into the
car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.

She looks at him and says, Arent your ears cold?

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural-history museum.

Ive just discovered a 3,000 year-old mummy of a man who died of heart failure! the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, Bring him in. Well check it out.

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. You were right about the mummys age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?

Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, 10,000 Shekels on Goliath.

1. So your daughters a hooker, and it spoiled your day. Look at the bright side, its really good pay.

2. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat.
Sorry!

3. You had your bladder removed and youre on the mend.
Heres a bouquet of flowers … and a box of Depends.

4. Heard your wife left you, how upset you must be.
But dont fret about it… She moved in with me.

5. Looking back over the years that weve been together, I cant help butwonder .. What the hell was I thinking!

6. Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your husband.

7. How could two people as beautiful as you… Have such an ugly baby?

8. Ive always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you …. Ive changed my mind.

9. I must admit, you brought Religion into my life….
I never believed in Hell till I met you.

10. As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am…
that youre not here to ruin it for me.

11. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go … would you like to take this knife out of my back? Youll probably need it again.

12. Someday I hope to get married … but not to you.

13. Happy birthday! You look great for your age…
Almost Lifelike!

14. When we were together you always said youd die for me. Now that weve broken up, I think its time you kept your promise.

15. We have been friends for a very long time ….. I say we stop!

16. Im so miserable without you …. its almost like youre here.

17. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

18. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday. So were having you put to sleep.

19. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky, and West Virginia)