Old and New Jokes

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldnt work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked What power switch?

If you have a lot of tension and you get headaches, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:

Take two and keep away from children.

You might be a redneck if…
You own a homemade fur coat.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN…
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her…. HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN…
show up naked,
bring beer.

A Bengali, Marwari and Gujrati get into a carwreck. Upon arrival at the heaven Gates, Chitragupt informs them that it is not their time, they were not supposed to die yet.
He offers them a deal, You give me 20 Rs, and Ill let you go back down and live the rest of your lives out.
The Bengali says, Fair enough, and hands Chitragupt twenty. Back on earth at the accident scene, he sits bolt upright, shocking the paramedics that had just pronounced him dead. They all gather around to ask him what happened.
Well, it wasnt my time, so I paid 20 bucks and he let me come back from the dead. Noticing the other victims remained lifeless, the paramedics ask why they didnt also take chitragupt up on his offer.
The Bengali rolls his eyes and says, Oh, the Marwari is trying to talk him down to Rs 12.50, and the Gujju is waiting for the Government to pay for it.

Mess Test:

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test:

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test:

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test:

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag, making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test:

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test:

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 – 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM, begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women):

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men):

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment:

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and childs table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot.

Three Wishes

This guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt-encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Lo and behold it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when poof a genie appeared.

This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes.

I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates, says the guy. The genie wasnt sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp he learned that Bill Gates was indeed the richest man in the world.

Guy, the genie said, You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. Whats your second wish.

Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile.

Thats easy, Guy, says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish.

The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl– nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a chick magnet. World peace? Only wackos want that. The guy couldnt think of what he wanted to use his final wish for.

Genie, the guy said, I cant think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later.

Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, I cant escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when youre ready, and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp.

The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so- valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns the radio on to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears.

After that, he pulled off the beach and headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he was up to 60, then 70, then 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy was so happy that he began to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio.

Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener ….

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, Hey, Moe! Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.

Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories — those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But dont worry — the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half days drive away!

Q. What are pre-existing conditions?

A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they dont require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. Youll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but Id already paid my bill. What should I do?

A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q. No, I mean what if Im away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldnt do that. Youll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. Its best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all youre risking is the $10

co-payment, theres no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q. What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A. Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q. Will health care be any different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldnt have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didnt believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I dont have crabs because Im a virgin.

The doctor checks her out and says I have good news and bad news. The good news is you dont have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies.

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conclusive proof! After
countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have
emerged.

Relationships

First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as a
romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate
circumstances, that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular
basis.

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled All Men Are Morons. Then she
will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear
from him, but then, at three on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and
say I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and Ill never forgive
you, and I hate you, and youre a total bitch. But I want you to know theres
always a chance for us.

This is known as the I Hate You/I Love You drunken phone call. Ninety nine
percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some
men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer
extension courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely
prove effective.

Sex

Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of
foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is
considered a part of foreplay.

Maturity

Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances
rarely work.

Hats

Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.

Groceries

A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of things she needs,
and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a
frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an
opened can of Schlitz and half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping.

A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampetts car on The Beverley
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or
less lane.

Magazines

Mens magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Womens magazines also
feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful
work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and should not be seen by
the light of day.

Handwriting

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their is
with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their ps and
gs. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when shes dumping
you, shell put a smiley face at the end of the note.

Comedy

Lets say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and
an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very
excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of
Curly, mans favorite Stooge. The women will roll their eyes and groan and wait
it out.

Bathrooms

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number
of items in a typical American womens bathroom is 437. A man would not be able
to identify most of these items.

Restrooms

Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social
lounges. Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to each other. Women whove
never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. And never in
the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by
saying, Hey, Tots, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?

Going Out

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a
woman says shes ready to go out, it means that she will be ready, as soon as
she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her
makeup.

Cats

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women arent looking, men kick
cats.

Shoes

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip
into Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks.
When she arrives at work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later,
she will kick them off because her feet are under her desk. A man will wear one
pair of shoes for the entire day.

Leg Warmers

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if shes walking the dog or doing the
dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A
man can only ear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the Ball
number in A Chorus Line.

Mirrors

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface –
mirrors, spoons, store windows, toasters, Joe Garagiolas head…

Menopause

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated
emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of the
changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform
reaction. He buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving
gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

The Telephone

Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send
short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks,
and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for
three hours.

Offspring

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist
appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods
and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the
house.

Time

When a woman says shell be ready to go out in five more minutes, shes using
the same meaning of time as when a man says the football gamess just got five
minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

Low Blows

Lets say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television, and one
of the fighters is felled by a low blow. The woman says Oh, gee, that must
hurt. The man doubles over and actually feels pain.

Directions

If a woman is out driving and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she
will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a
sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in
a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, Looks like Ive found a
new way to get there, and, I know Im in the neighborhood. I recognize that
White Hen store.

Admitting Mistakes

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted that he
was wrong was General George Custer.

Richard Gere

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard
Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works out at the health club
and dates only married women.

Madonna

Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings,
funerals.

Nicknames

With the exception of female body-builders, who call each other names like
Ultimate Pecs and Big Turk, women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria,
Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other
Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out
for a brewski, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bullet-Head,
Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

Eating Out

… and when the check comes, Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack will each throw in $20
bills, even though its only for $22.50. None of them will have anything
smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get
their check, out come the pocket calculators.

Toys

Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12,
they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get
older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of mens
toys: miniature TVs, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic
equalizers, small robots the serve cocktails on command, video games, and
anything that blinks, beeps and requires at least six D batteries to operate.

Plants

A woman will ask a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man
will water the plants. The woman returns five days later, to an apartment full
of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

Mustaches

Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds.
There are no women who look good with mustaches.

David Letterman

Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the earth. Women
think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad haircut.

Cameras

Men take photography very seriously. Theyll shell out $4000 for state-
of-the-art equipment, and build darkrooms, and take photography classes. Women
purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better
pictures.

Locker Rooms

In the locker room, men talk about three things: money, football, and women.
They exaggerate about money, they dont know football nearly as well as they
think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one
thing in the locker room – sex. Not in abstract terms, either. They are
extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

Laundry

Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing
he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight years ago,
before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a
dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to
the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat, but
this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.

Politics

Men love to talk about politics, but they often forget to do political things
such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is
growing up and getting into politics, because they will be able to campaign for
them and cry on election night.

Weddings

When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about the ceremony. Men talk about
the bachelor party.

Cheerleaders

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all-American. Male cheerleaders
are scary.

Socks

Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white
sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them.
Socks cut way below the ankles. Socks with little fuzzy balls on the back.

Underwear

Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored
underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides
solid white.

Garages

Women use garages to park their cars and to store their lawnmowers. Men use
garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in
garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

Movies

For women, their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivian Leigh
for the first time in Gone With The Wind. For men, its when Jimmy Cagney
shoves a grapefruit in Mae Clarks face in Public Enemy.

Nudity In Movies

Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is
because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The
only actor who has ever appeard nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is
another reason why men hate him.

Jewelry

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one
ring, and thats it. Any more than that, and he will look like a lounge singer
named Vic.

Sport Arenas

Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and arenas. The women
usually end up following men.

Conversation

Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., Wow, great movie., What
are you, nuts? No REAL cop would have an Uzi that size., Well, maybe he got it
because he knew about those Mafia guys, etc. Women, not having this problem,
try to initiate conversations with men by saying something agreeable: That
garden by the roadside looks lovely. Mm hmm. Pause. That was a good
restaurant last night, wasnt it? Yeah. Pause. And so on.

Friends

Women on a girls night out talk the whole time. Men on a boys night out say
about twenty words all night, most of which are Pass the Doritos or Got any
more beer?