Old and New Jokes

Seventy Six Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy six lithe neutrons swayed on Cesiums bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons…

Hold it! Hold it!. Thats Cesium 131. Half life only about 9.69 days.
Lets go for immortality here. Worth a shot anyway…

Seventy Eight Neutrons
(Tune, Seventy Six Trombones)

Seventy eight lithe neutrons swayed on Cesiums bar,
Half a hundred and ten bold protons joined the press.
And the eletronettes were a-whirling in duets,
All but one, the singular miss Six S.

Seventy eight nubile neutrons writhed in close array,
Half a hundred and ten lusty protons swelled the crowd.
And the electron pairs played blue photonic airs,
From within a shining quantum cloud.

There were pions, muons, quarks and other fermions,
Tunneling, tunneling, in a state of partial dress.
Till an oily bit of water came a wandering,
And miss Six S got in a great big mess.

Seventy eight screaming neutrons ran and jammed the door,
Half a hundered and ten brave protons hit the ground.
There was a sky-blue flash, then nothing left but ash,
And the echo of a glorious thundering sound.

— Songs of Cesium #76

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

163. Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means theres going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.

71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.

72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.

73. You dont have to cover your textbooks anymore.

74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties…

75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.

76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.

77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.

78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).

79. Procrastination becomes an art.

80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).

The man told his doctor that he wasnt able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.""Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "youre just lazy.""Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jacks mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but Im recently widowed, she explained. Im afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house. Dont worry, Jack said, well be happy to sleep In the barn. And if the weather breaks, well be gone at first light. The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North? Yes, I do. Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night and go up to the house to pay her a visit? Yes, Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. I have to admit that I did. And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name? Bobs face turned red and he said, Yeah, sorry, buddy. Im afraid I did. Why do you ask? She just died and left me everything.

A schoolteacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light. When she appeared in traffic court, she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class. The judge looked at her sternly and said, So youre a schoolteacher. I am about to realize a lifelong ambition. You sit down at that table over there and write I went through a stop sign. FIVE HUNDRED TIMES!

A spaceship lands on Mars, and the astronauts are getting ready to go out when they look out the window and see something really weird.

Radioing Earth they yell: Houston, weve got a problem, theres a bunch of fully-bearded green Martians wearing black clothes, sidecurls and hats out there.

Go out and make contact, find more about them, was the reply.

So they did, and when they approached the group one of the astronauts asked: Do you all dress like that?

Oh, not at all, reply the Martians, Only the orthodox ones!

How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?

Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.

The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout swim for it!

The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and
go off to do another good deed.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the begining of the serman, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the vodka, dont gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he saidTake this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat Me
12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the Mary with the Cherry
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys

10. Likes people that oppress him: teachers, parents, principals, police, and authority figures.

9. Is overly enthusiastic about Dungeons and Dragons and other role playing games.

8. Very familiar with megahertz, wears glasses and, can quote scripture.

7. Frequently speaks of martial arts, but still gets beaten up.

6. Says Whom instead of Who.

5. Is pleased when disruptive individuals are sent to the office, so that they can continue with their learning.

4. Prefers NPR to any music.

3. Gets upset when there is a test or quiz that he did not know about.

2. Rooted for Deep-Blue in the famous chess game.

1. Must be pulled off bridge when not accepted at the college of his choice.