Old and New Jokes

One day poor old Lena decided she didnt want to be in this world any longer. She resolved to commit suicide. She figured the best way was to shoot herself in the heart…but she didnt know just where her heart was. She called a doctor for the information.

The doctor said that usually on a women, the heart is located about four inches below the left nipple.

Lena followed the directions perfectly and was therefore very surprised to regain consciousness in a hospital.

I should be dead! she wailed.

Dont worry, lady, the orderly answered, your knee will mend before you know it!

(sing to the tune of Gilligans Island)

Just sit right back and youll hear a tale

Of the doom that is our fate.

That started when programmers used

Two digits for a date

Two digits for a date



RAM memory was smaller then;

Hard drives were tiny, too.

Four digits are extravagant,

So lets get by with two.

So lets get by with two.



This works through 1999,

The programmers did say.

Unless we write new code by then

The data goes away.

The data goes away.



But management had not a clue;

It works fine now, you bet!

Rewriting code cost money,

We wont do it just yet.

We wont do it just yet.



Now when 2000 rolls around

It all goes straight to hell,

For zero less then ninety-nine,

As anyone can tell.

As anyone can tell.



The mail wont bring your pension check;

It wont be sent to you

When youre no longer sixty-eight

But minus thirty-two.

But minus thirty-two.



The problems were about to face

Are frightening, for sure.

And reading every line of codes

The only certain cure.

The only certain cure.



[[ key change, the big finish coming]]



Theres not much time, theres too much code,

And COBOL-coders, few.

When the century is finished,

We may be finished, too.

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.

The seaman asks, So, how did you end up with the peg-leg? The pirate replies, We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off.

Wow! said the seaman. What about your hook? Well, replied the pirate, We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off.

Incredible! remarked the seaman. How did you get the eye patch? A seagull dropping fell into my eye, replied the pirate.

You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?, the sailor asked incredulously. Well, said the pirate, it was my first day with my hook

Why dont they teach drivers education and sex education on the
same day in Iraq?

– They dont want to wear out the camel.

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
FemaleAny part under a cars hood.
MaleThe strap fastener on a womans bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
FemaleFully opening up ones self emotionally to another
MalePlaying football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
FemaleThe open sharing of thoughts and feelings with ones partner.
MaleLeaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
FemaleA desire to get married and raise a family.
MaleNot trying to pick up other women while out with ones girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
FemaleA good movie, concert, play or book.
MaleAnything that can be done while drinking and ends with sex
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
FemaleAn embarrassing by-product of digestion.
MaleA source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
FemaleThe greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
MaleCall it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
FemaleA device for changing from one TV channel to another.
MaleA device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

Three men are in a hot air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a canyon
somewhere.

One of the three men says, I have got an idea. We can call for help in this
canyon and the echo will carry our voices far. He leans over the basket and
yells out, Helllloooooo! Where are we?

They hear the echo several times. 15 minutes later, they hear this echoing
voice, Helllloooooo! You are lost!

One of the men says, That must have been a mathematician.

Puzzled, one of the other men asks, Why do you say that?

The man replies, For three reasons: 1) he took a long time to answer, 2) he was
absolutely correct, and 3) his answer was absolutely useless.

There were three blondes living together. Blonde #1 was coming back from grocery shopping, and she dropped her keys. She walked down the stairs to get them, and she said to herself, Am I going up the stairs or down the stairs? So, she stood there puzzled, the bags of groceries still in her hands. Blonde #2 was taking a bath, and was draining the tub because it was too cold. With her hair still dry, she said to herself, Was I getting in the tub or out of the tub? She stood there, just thinking about it. Blonde #3 was sitting in the living room in front of the coffee table, and she said to herself, Knock on wood Im not as stupid as the other two! She knocked the table. Was that the front door or the back door?

A boy was at a carnival and went to a booth where a man said to the boy, If I write your exact weight on this piece of paper then you have to give me $50, but if I cannot, I will pay you $50.The boy looked around and saw no scale so he agrees, thinking no matter what the carny writes hell just say he weighs more or less.In the end the boy ended up paying the man $50. How did the man win the bet?The man did exactly as he said he would and wrote your exact weight on the paper.

Moms Brownies Recipe…

Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.

Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.

Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr no, no.

Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.

Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.

Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.

Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cats tail.

Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation.

Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed call removed from bill.

Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.

Let cat out of refrigerator.

Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.

Bake 25 minutes.

Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while theres still time and hes still able to run away.

Frosting

Mix the following in saucepan:

1 cup sugar

1 oz unsweetened chocolate

1/4 cup margarine

Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away — far away.

Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didnt know Jr had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes.

Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in mans front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet.

Tie Billy to clothesline.

Remove burned brownies from oven

I know this guy whose neighbor, a young man, was home recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken.So anyway, one day he went to sleep and when he awoke he was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over. When he got out of the tub he realized that his kidneys had been stolen, and he saw a note on his mirror that said Call 911!But he was afraid to use his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an e-mail entitled Join the crew!He knew it wasnt a hoax because he himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to save us from Armageddon when the year 2000 rolls around.His program will prevent a global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the $600 Nieman Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates.(Its true-I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from Bill Gates Himself, who was also promising me a free Disneyworld vacation and $5,000 if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to report his missing kidneys, but reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said, Welcome to the world of AIDS.Luckily he was only a few blocks from the hospital-the one, actually, where that little boy who is dying of cancer is, the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every e-mail he receives.I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of xs and os in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to twenty people you will have good luck but ten people you will only have ok luck and if you send it to less than ten people you will have bad luck for seven years).So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himsel