Old and New Jokes

Q: How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say Get daaowwwwn !

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a fight, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night.



A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most… When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!



They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.



He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions:



Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?



The wife put down her drink and said. . .

Nah… let the old man dig. I had him buried upside down!

Why did the goal post get angry?
Because the bar was rattled!

What is the bank managers favourite type of football?
Fiver side!

What part of a football ground is never the same?
The changing rooms!

What should a football team do if the pitch is flooded?
Bring on their subs!

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didnt dance a single step! So? asked the ducks former owner, did you remember to light the candle under the pot?

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church. Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving… seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Dont you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."Satan asked, "Arent you afraid of me?""Nope, sure aint," said the man.Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why arent you afraid of me?"The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Q: Whats a brunettes mating call?

A1: Has that blonde gone yet?

A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave!?

A3: All the blondes have gone home!

A
driver is pulled over by a police man.
Man: Is there a problem Officer?

Officer: Sir, you were speeding.

Man: Oh I see.

Officer: Can I see your licence please?

Man: Id give it to you but I dont have one.

Officer: Dont have one?

Man: Lost it 4 times for drink driving.

Officer: I see…Can I see your vehicle registration
papers please.

Man: I cant do that.

Officer: Why not?

Man: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Man: Yes, and I killed and raped the owner.

Officer: You what?

Man: Shes in the boot if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away
to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5
police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly
approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer2: Sir, could you step out of your vehicle
please! The man steps out of his vehicle.
Man: Is there a problem sir?

Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have
stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Man: Murdered the owner?

Officer2: Yes, could you please open the boot of your
car please.
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an
empty boot.
Officer2: Is this your car sir?

Man: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.
Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not
have a driving licence.
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and
hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet
and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer2: Thank you sir, one of my officers told
me you didnt have a licence, stole this car, raped
and murdered the owner.
Man: Bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding,
too.

Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her fathers word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

Whats it about? he asked.

I dont know, she replied. I cant read.