If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If youre in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say Open here. What is the protocol if the package says, Open somewhere else?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Yo mama so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
12. Greenpeace wont let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.
11. Neighborhood kids offer: Mow your Volvo, sir?
10. Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.
9. Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.
8. Wash Me appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.
7. Its impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.
6. Your cell phone antenna is really a sapling which took root.
5. The kids are convinced that those crumpled old newspapers at the floor of the car are housing varmits.
4. Visits to the farm always result in pigs squaling around your tires.
3. Kids write PLOW ME! on your trunk.
2. When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.
1. That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing cat!
There was this duck that walked into a bar and sat down in a stool and the bartender said, can I help you?
The duck said, quack quack quack got any raisons?
The bartender said, NO! This is a bar and we dont sell raisons.
The duck walked out and then he came in the next day and sat in the very same stool!
The bartender walked over and asked him if he could help him?
The duck said, quack quack quack got any raisons?
The bartender said, NO this is a BAR we dont sell raisons!
So the duck walked out again and left. He came back the next day and sat in the same stool once again!
The duck yelled at the bartender, quack quack quack got any raisons?
The bartender said, NO. And if you come back here once more I am gonna nail your webbed feet to the ground and you are gonna die there.
The duck said, ok, and left.
The next day came and sure enuf the duck came back except he only peeped his head inside the door. He said, quack quack got any nails?
The bartender replied, No!!
The duck said GOOD, then ya got any raisons?
Paddy and Mick shared first prize of $500,000 in the Irish Sweepstakes and were celebrating their winnings over a jar of stout.
But Paddy, Oive been thinking, Mick said with a worried frown, what will we do with all them beggin letters?
Shure, said Paddy, well go on sending em out.
Don t drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.
My reality check bounced!
1. You truly dont care who Julia Roberts is sleeping with.
2. You understand the difference between 43 brands of imported vodka.
3. You can call anyone honey including pets.
4. You know someone who definitely was in the emergency room with Richard Gere and the gerbil.
5. You understand the immense importance of good lighting.
6. You can be at a crowded disco the size of two football fields and still spot a toupee.
7. You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit, and truly mean her bathing suit.
8. You can explain the nuances between steady date, boyfriend and lover.
9. You really have been there, done that.
10. Your women friends will tell you everything you want to know about their boyfriends. And that means everything.
11. Youre the only type of male who gets to say fabulous.
12. You can have naked pictures of men you dont know in your home.
13. You can have naked men you dont know in your home.
14. You know how to handle the telephone like a Stradivarius.
15. You understand why the good Lord invented spandex.
16. You understand why the good Lord didnt intend everyone to wear it.
17. You know how to get back at just about everyone. And have.
18. You know that the most important part of a partys decor is the catering staff.
19. You only wear polyester when you mean to.
20. You can smile to let someone know you cant stand them.
21. You can freeze a troll from 20 feet away.
22. Youre good pals with women other people cant stand.
23. Youve always got an opinion.
24. Youve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
25. You know how to dress strategically.
26. Your car has an amusing female name.
27. Youre the only one at your high school reunion who looks a lot better than you did in high school.
28. Youve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
29. If your mattress could talk, it would be Joan Rivers.
30. You know that sex complicates things. So?
31. You know that being called a cheap slut isnt actually an insult.
32. Theres a married guy somewhere who is terrified of you.
33. Nobody tells you what to do in bed…unless you tell them what to tell you.
34. You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
35. You have at least one movie musical on video.
36. Youre not embarrassed to sing in a piano bar.
37. Youre embarrassed by people who sing in piano bars.
38. You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade or two.
39. You know how to make an entrance.
40. You know when to make an exit.
41. You worry about people you dont even know – like Liza Minnelli.
42. You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
43. You know how to program your VCR.
44. Youve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
45. You have a cologne display worthy of Bloomingdales.
46. You understand, viscerally, Joan Crawford.
47. Some of your best friends are your ex lovers.
48. You know when to play dumb.
49. You know what to do for a hangover.
50. Yes, you do have a condom.
51. Youve called someone girlfriend who is neither a girl nor a friend.
52. One or more of the following apply to you:
a) You adore Judy Garland
b) You hate Judy Garland
c) You hate people who adore Judy Garland.
d) You hate people who hate Judy Garland.
e) You dont give a damn about Judy Garland.
f) Who is Judy Garland?
53. You can supply the last names to the following list:
a) Bernadette
b) Chita
c) Barbra
54. You made Donna Summer a star.
55. You made Donna Summer a has-been.
56. Tanning salons were invented for you.
57. Youve made sunbathing a performance art.
58. You know when the partys over.
59. You know where to go after the partys over.
60. Youre fearless about fighting the elements, especially gravity.
61. When you hear a stitch in time saves nine you think of
a) Your grandma
b) Your face lift
c) John Wayne Bobbit
62. You know that pigs and bears are not necessarily rural wildlife.
63. Your roommate can be your roommate and not your roommate.
64. You know that referring to someone as a real lady isnt necessarily a compliment.
65. Your favorite dinner accessory may also be your dinner companion.
66. If your cat is a female, you swear its a lesbian.
67. If your cat is a male, you swear its a lesbian.
68. You sing along heartily with songs that make most females cringe, like Stand by your man.
69. Youve been to a bris, a barmitzvah, a christening, a first communion and too many weddings and you have a carefully considered evaluation of the food after each.
70. Youll never have to hear your mother complain about your wife.
71. A two-seater convertible seems perfectly practical to you.
72. You have a favorite Disney character and its usually a nasty one.
73. Youve left someone totally speechless.
74. Youve shaved something other than your face.
75. All your friends do not have to get along.
76. You have large collection of anniversary pictures. They may be with different guys, however.
77. Your love handles are actually used as such.
78. When someone turns his back on you, you actually consider it an opportunity.
79. Youve got a large assortment of movie-star biographies.
80. Youve got the most interesting coffee table books.
81. You know where to find a meat rack and it aint in your kitchen drawer.
82. You have a sexual persuasion with its own flag.
83. At some moment in your life youve envisioned having back-up girls.
84. You know your enemies.
85. After a workout at the gym, you feel like a new man. And hes right there in the shower.
86 Youre Barbra Streisands biggest fan.
87. You know that Barbra Streisands biggest fan is Barbra Streisand.
88 Not only have you added spice to your life – sometimes youve added side dishes.
89. You know that small talk can be about spirituality or politics, and important issues can be about hair.
90. Youve actually lived out some of your fantasies.
91. Unlike most straight women, you have no problem being treated solely as a sex object.
92. You have no doubts about the accuracy of the Kinsey Report.
93. You know, by heart, every line in:
a) All about Eve
b) The Rocky Horror Picture Show
c) Your face
94. You are ALWAYS ready for your close-up.
95. You have 412 ways to tell someone to get lost. 136 are non-verbal.
96. You can lip-sync to at least one Supremes song.
97. You have a carefully selected Yiddish vocabulary.
98. Even if youre in Kansas, youre not in Kansas anymore.
99. You know exactly how many martinis it takes.
100. When throwing a party, you know how to put out quite a spread. Sometimes after the party too.
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said, Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, its a po-lice roadblock! Were gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!
Dont worry, Bubba, Earl said. Well just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.
What fer? asked Bubba.
Just let me do the talkin, OK? said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, You boys been drinkin? ….
No sir, Earl said. Were on the patch.
A guy goes into a supermarket and buys: * one tin of beans * one bag of chips * one pack of burgers * one tub of ice cream * one cake * one case of beer * one pint of milk.
He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single.
The guy replies sarcastically, Yes. However did you guess?
The girl replies: Simple…You are one ugly bastard!