Old and New Jokes

Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: It depends how many blondes there are, but some people prefer it with the lights off.

Its not how good your work is, its how well you explain it.

A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.

Doc, the frustrated commuter complained, Im fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like Im going to explode.

Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.

What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?

No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common.

Tell me! What is it?

You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.

A device for catching zoids.

A teacher was in class on Friday evening (last period).
She told the class that whichever student answered the
question correctly could have Monday off.

She asked Who is the President of the United States?

A boy rose his hand and said Bill Clinton.

The teacher told him he could have Monday off, but the boy told her that he
was Jewish and that Jews dont take holidays for no reason.

The teacher told him not to raise his hand again and she decided to ask
another question. She said What is the name of the last province that
joined in confederation with Canada?

Another boy rose his hand and said Newfoundland.

The teacher told him that he could have Monday off but the boy said that he
too was a Jew.

A big bully who was sitting at the back of the class said Stupid Jews.

The teacher called out Who said that?
The bully called back Hitler Miss! See yah Tuesday!

As a result of DOD budget cutbacks, we are forced to reduce the size of the force. Under CRAP, older soldiers will go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of lower paid soldiers who represent the Armys future.

A program to phase out older soldiers via retirement by the end of the current fiscal year will be placed in effect. the program will be known as Retire Active Personnel Early (RAPE).

Employees who are RAPEd will be given the opportunity to seek civilian employment within the Department of the Army. To that end, RAPEd soldiers will be required to fill out numerous DA Forms (currently in the development, test, and evaluation stage) detailing their education and experience.

This phase does not guarantee retired soldiers a civil service position; it does, however, guarantee that the soldiers unique capabilities will be considered before being bypassed in the hiring process. This phase of CRAP is known as Survey of Capabilities of Retired Warriors (SCREW).

Soldiers who have been RAPEd and SCREWed may request review of their situation by higher authority. This is the Study by Higher Authority Following Termination (SHAFT)phase.

CRAP policy dictates that a soldier may be RAPEd once, SCREWed twice, but may be SHAFTed as many times as the Army leadership deems appropriate.

If a soldier follows the above procedures, he or she will be entitled to get Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit payment, any soldier who gets HERPES will no longer be RAPEd or SCREWed by the Army.

The Army leadership wishes to assure younger soldiers who remain on active duty that the Army will continue its policy of ensuring that soldiers are well trained through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT) program. The Army takes pride in the amount of SHIT our soldiers receive and can boast that it gives its soldiers more SHIT than any other service.

If a soldier feels he or she does not get enough SHIT, see your commander.

a centipede with a wooden leg.

yo mamma so fat she got hit dy a bus a said

yall kids stop throwing them rocks!

She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. He examines the baby and asks the woman, Is he breast fed or on the bottle?

Breast fed, she says.

Well, strip down to your waist. he orders. She does.

He presses both breasts, pinches them both, and then says, No wonder this baby is hungry, you dont have any milk.

Of course, she says, Im his aunt… But Im glad I came.

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
– Herm Albright –