Old and New Jokes

What has ten teeth and is thrity feet long? Answer: The front row of a Willie Nelson Concert….

Viagra can now be purchased at a huge discount under its generic name. Just ask your doctor or chemist for the generic Viagra known as: Mycoxaflopin.

A little boy named little Johny runs upto his mom from outside and says Mommy, can little girls have babies?

Oh course not replies the mom and starts chopping some onions.

Great! Then little Johny runs outside and yells ITS OK! WE CAN PLAY THE GAME AGAIN!

A blonde goes to a doctor and
tells that both his ears are burnt. Sit down and tell me how it
happened, said the doctor.

Well, I was ironing my clothes, when I received a call and instead of
picking the phone I picked up the iron and burnt my ear.

But thats one ear what about the other?

The sucker called again!!

Q. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?





A. Because it waves.

Q: What goes, "Clip clop clip clop clip clop clip clop BANG BANG clip clop clip clop clip clop…" A: An Amish drive-by shooting.

What do elves learn in school?

The ELF-abet.

How many reindeer does Santa have?

11 (named below):

Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen,

Rudolph (the one with the red nose),

Olive (all of the other reigndeer)

and Al (Then Al the reigndeer loved him all).

What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish

What kind of bird can write?

A PEN-guin

Why does Santas sled get such good mileage?

Because it has long distance-runners on each side.

Why does Scrooge love Rudolph-the red-nosed reindeer?

Beacuse every buck is dear to him.

What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?

Crisp Cringle

What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus?

Well have a boo Christmas without you.

ELF#1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve?

ELF#2: OKay everyone, sack time!

If athletes get athletes foot, what do astronauts get?

Missletoe!!!!!

In a very small alley two trucks driving in opposite directions meet.As the drivers are equally stubborn, neither of them wants to reverse.They angrily look one at the other.Finally, one of them picks up a newspaper and starts reading.The other one politely asks, When youve finished the paper, will you please bring it over, and let me read it?

PLEASE NOTE: If you find jokes about Christianity offensive… DO NOT READ THIS JOKE!

Vatican Rescinds Blessed Status of Worlds Meek- Screw the Meek, Says Pope

VATICAN CITY–In a historic reversal of its nearly 2,000-year-old pro-meek stance, the Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it is permanently rescinding the traditional blessed status of the worlds meek.

Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, Blessed are the meek, said Pope John Paul II in a papal bull read before the College of Cardinals. However, there has always been a tacit understanding between the Church and the meek that this blessed status was conditional upon their inheritance of the Earth, an event which seems unlikely to happen anytime in the foreseeable future. Our relationship, therefore, must be terminated.

Screw the meek, the pope added.

Citing two millennia of inaction and non-achievement by the worlds impoverished and downtrodden, the pope contended that the meeks historic inability to improve their worldly status constituted bad faith on their part.

Twenty centuries should have been more than enough time for them to inherit the earth, the Supreme Pontiff said. For years, the Catholic Church has made every effort to help them, but at some point, enough is enough. We are patient, but we are not saints.

Catholic leaders around the world were vocal in their support of the pope.

The meek have abused their blessed status for far too long now, said Bernard Law, Archbishop of Boston. From the Renaissance to the Industrial Revolution to the current Global Information Age, the meek have always somehow managed to sit back and do nothing while others worked hard to make advances and improve their lives. They have collected the Catholic Churchs spiritual welfare checks for long enough.

Everything about the meek, from their simple garments to their quiet demeanors to their utter lack of can-do spirit, goes against Church philosophy, Cardinal Jean-Claude Turcotte of Montréal said. Sitting back and expecting the Lord to provide is not the type of behavior for which the Church should be rewarding its followers.

The change in policy toward the meek is also rooted in financial considerations: According to Vatican statistics, though more than 80 percent of the worlds Catholics live below the poverty line, the Catholic Church receives less than 2 percent of its annual earnings of $395 billion from such people.

The meeks blessed status was originally bestowed upon them by Jesus Christ Himself, but there is enough latitude in His gospels and teachings to allow us discretion in this manner, the Pope said, especially in light of the financial goals of the Church as it enters the 21st century. From this day forward, the Church position shall be, Blessed are the affluent, for they have indeed inherited the Earth.

In an effort to move away from its traditional meek core demographic and attract more upscale worshipers, Vatican officials announced a number of changes for the Gospels. Among them: Christ shall be said to have been born in a rustic-but-spacious birthing suite and not a manger, with the amount of gold and frankincense bestowed upon Him by the wise men quadrupled and the amount of myrrh halved; it shall henceforth be as easy for a rich man to enter Heaven as it is for a camel to pass through a heated three-car garage; and the episode between Christ and the moneylenders in the temple shall from now on be interpreted as an internecine argument over appropriately aggressive fundraising tactics.

According to Holy See spokesperson Salvatore Vittorio, a new Catholic Church payment plan has been established, with blessedness and Gods everlasting love free of charge once a nominal baptism/membership fee has been paid. For an additional fee, Catholics can become Gold Circle members of the Church, entitling them to such perks as forgiveness, sainthood and special priority seating at the right hand of the Father upon death.

We do not wish the Church to become completely exclusionary, Vittorio said. If any of the former meek wish to change their ways, they may certainly do so. But it wont be the free ride they got before, I can promise you that.

The Lord will provide, of course, the pope said. But He also helps those who help themselves, if you know what I mean.

Stressed out…try some of these relaxing tidbits 🙂

1. Jam tiny marshmallows up your nose and try to sneeze them out.

(This one is great to teach neices and nephews!)

2. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.

(Even better to call after doing it and say you didnt authorize it and want to know what the hell is going on!)

3. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.

(This one keeps cats and men occupied for awhile.)

4. When someone says Have a nice day tell them you have other plans.

(Like going the store to stock up on ammunition maybe?)

5. Get a box of condoms. Wait in line at the check-out counter and ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are.

(And if shes cute, always ask if assistance is available.)

6. Dance naked in front of your pets.

(Not recommended for anyone with a pet Gorilla.)

7. Put your toddlers clothes on backwards, and send him/her off to school as if nothing is wrong.

(You can get real creative here…especially if you put a dress on your son.)

8. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.

(Trust me…theyre in there! I found 70 in just the As!)