Old and New Jokes

Q: How many statisticians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Walt Pirie to hold the bulb and one psychologist, one economist, one sociologist and one anthroplogist to pull away the ladder.

Un grupo de chicas se encuentra platicando; una de ellas se dirige a las demás y, con petulancia, les pregunta:

¿Por qué le gustare tanto a los hombres? ¿Será por mi pelo?

No, responden las amigas.

Entonces, ¿será por mis ojos?

No.

¿Por mi cuerpo?

No.

Me doy, dice suspirando.

¡Acertaste!, responden todas a coro.

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday School.

Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across safely. He used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.



Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you? his mother asked.



Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did, youd never believe it!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Donna Mae!
Donna Mae who?
Donna Mae-k you an offer you cant refuse!

The yoo-hoo you you-hew into the forest is the yoo-hoo you get back.

PASCAL, FORTRAN, COBOL — These programming languages are well known
and (more or less) well loved throughout the computer industry. There
are numerous other languages, however, that are less well known yet still
have ardent devotees. In fact, these little known languages generally
have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know more about
these obscure languages — and why they are obscure — we present the
following catalog:

SIMPLE
SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiots Monopurpose Programming Language
Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you cant make
a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.

LITHP
This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
an S in its character set; users must substitute TH. LITHP is said
to be useful in protheththing lithtth.

SLOBOL
SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.

VALGOL
From its modest beginnings in Southern Californias San
Fernando Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across
the industry.
VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and YNOW. Variables are
assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other operators include
the California Booleans, FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of code are
handled in FERSURE loops. Here is a sample VALGOL program.

LIKE,YNOW (IMEAN) START

IF

A=LIKE BITCHEN AND

B=LIKE TUBULAR AND

C=LIKE GRODY**M4

(FERSURE)**2

THEN

FOR I=LIKE1 TO OH MAYBE 100

DO WAH + (DITTY**2)

BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)

SURE

LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM

REALLY

LIKE TOTALLY(YNOW)

VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For
example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
message GAG ME WITH A SPOON!

LAIDBACK
Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which
was developed at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for Tai Chi,
Mellowness and Computer Programming, as an alternative to the more
intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there
for long, since the Center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean
curd and Perrier.
Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
syntax errors with the message: SORRY, MAN, I CANT DEAL WITH THAT.

SARTRE
Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an
extremely unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose;
they just are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own
functions. SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are
no fun at parties.

FIFTH
FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.

The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
who end up using this language.

C-
This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
best described as a low-level programming language. In fact, the
language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
similar to COBOL.

DOGO
Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training,
DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO
commands include SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature
of DOGO is puppy graphics, a small cocker spaniel that occasionally
leaves a deposit as he travels across the screen.

FOCUSALL
A language designed to run on small DEC machines with
minimal memory. Its only supported distribution is paper tape, for
loading in from an ASR-33 teletype. This takes 20 minutes, after which
the user is greeted with the message:

CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE JUST LOADED FOCUSALL!

The interpreter is then ready to accept any valid command. The only
valid command is:

LOAD FOCUSALL

which causes the system to once again load the interpreter from paper
tape. The power of the language comes from the fact that preceding a
command with a statement line causes it to be stored as a program line
for later execution as in the following example:

10 LOAD FOCUSALL

20 LOAD FOCUSALL

…ETC…

PINBOL
PINBOL is best known for the chance involved in making its
program run. Three tries at running are allowed, after which the message
GAME OVER. INSERT QUARTER AND TRY AGAIN is displayed. Some allowable
PINBOL instructions and their meanings are:

LEFT FLIPPER Illogical Left Shift

RIGHT FLIPPER Illogical Right Shift

SHOOT Try to Run

PINBOL is known to be extremely addictive. Those who are fluent
PINBOL programmers are known as PINBOL WIZARDS.

FASTBOL
Commonly known as QUICKIE. Error messages include
COMPUTUS INTERRUPTUS. A closely related language is NOONER.

GERITOL
This language is characterized by the habits of its ardent
users. Instructions frequently forget their function while executing and
conclude with the I USED TO KNOW THAT condition code. Loops tend to
repeat frequently at sporadic intervals, even when not initiated.

LAIDBACK

This language was developed at the Marin County Center for Tai Chi,
Mellowness, and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an
alternative to the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.

The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
because the center outlawed pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of tofu and
Perrier.

Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
gentle and non-threatening language, since all error messages are in
lower case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with
the message:

i hate to bother you, but i just cant relate to that.
can you find the time to try it again?

If Microsoft was jewish …

Instead of getting a General Protection Fault error, your PC would get Ferklempt.
Year 2000 issues are replaced by Year 5760-5761 issues.
Hanukkah screen savers will have Flying Dreidels.
Your PC shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
After your computer dies, you would dispose of it within 24 hours.
Your Start button would be replaced with a Lets go! Im not getting any younger! button.
Abort, Retry, Ignore would be replaced with Stop it already – Youre killing me!, You vant I should try it again?, I didnt hear that!.
When disconnecting external devices from the back of your PC, you would be instructed to Remove the cable from your PCs tuchis.
Your multimedia player would be renamed to Nu, so play my music already!.
Internet Explorer would now have a spinning Star of David in the upper right corner.
You would hear the tune Hava Nagila during startup.
Microsoft Office would include A little byte of this, and a little byte of that.
When running scandisk, you will be prompted with a You vant I should fix this? message.
When your PC is working too hard, you would occasionally hear a loud Oy!!!.
A monitor cleaning solution from Manischewitz would advertise that it gets rid of the schmutz on your monitor.
After 20 minutes of no activity, your PC would go Schloffen.
Computer viruses would now be cured with chicken soup.

Q: If Santa doesnt have to age, then why has he become old?

A: He only appears to be old. Hes an undercover kid.

Q: How can a sleigh possibly fly through the air?

A: If you were being pulled by eight flying reindeer, wouldnt you fly too?

Q: Why do we wish people a Merry Christmas instead of a Happy Christmas?

A: The two are about the same, but with Merry Christmas an extra twinkle is seen in the eyes.

Q: Why is a Christmas tree that has been chopped down called a live Christmas tree?

A: Its dead but doesnt know it, and yet its having the time of its life.

Q: Why do we wrap our Christmas gifts with paper?

A: Because we like to see surprise and joy (real or kindly faked) in the recipients.

Q: How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?

A: Nowadays, only four angels can dance there. Formerly there was no limit, but OSHA passed the Angel Safety Law recently, which also requires that the pin must be inspected twice each year for structural defects.

Q: How many gifts can Santa Clauss bag hold?

A: One less than infinity. Why one less? Because theres a limit to everything.

Q: How could a star that is high in the sky lead the Wise Men to a tiny manger on the ground?

A: Wisely, toward the end of their journey they asked directions from someone on the road. Had they not been so wise, they might have missed the manger by several hundred miles. (That person on the road has never been identified.)

Q: Is there really a Mrs. Santa Claus?

A: The best way to know for sure is to ask Santa Claus next time you see him.

Q: Why do we hear so many bells at Christmas time?

A: Because so many people ring them.

Q: Why do so many people ring bells at Christmas time?

A: For the poor, for the joy, and because a bell can say what words cant say.

Q: What cant words say?

A: The moment you wake up on Christmas morning, listen carefully. You may hear then what words cant say.

A man wanted to buy his wife a unique birthday present. So one day, he went into a pet store looking for a parrot. The salesperson showed the man to a very beautiful parrot.
Its beautiful! cried the man, Does he do any tricks?

Yes he does, answered the salesman. If you put a lighted match under his right foot, the bird will sing Jingle Bells. And if you put a lighted match under the birds left foot, he will sing Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.

Amazing! exclaimed the man, and he bought the parrot immediately. That night, the man showed his wife the parrot that hed bought.

Oh, what a gorgeous bird! Does it know any tricks? asked the wife. The man smiled and said, Watch this.

Then he lit a match and put it under the birds right foot. Sure enough, the parrot began to sing Jingle Bells. Then he put the match under the birds left foot, and it began to sing Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.

Thats incredible! Does he do anything else? the wife asked.

I dont know, lets see, replied the man. So he lit another match and put it between the birds legs.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.