Old and New Jokes

MADE FOR TV

Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

Stage 1 – SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 – GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 – RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you will win all your bets. It doesnt matter how much you bet cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 – BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, youre BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 – INVISIBLE

This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because youre still SMART you know all the words.

What has ten teeth and is thrity feet long? Answer: The front row of a Willie Nelson Concert….

What is the last thing each Tickle Me Elmo doll receives before he leaves the factory?

Two Test Tickles

A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out of the channel.

The ensigns efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain.

He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules — Make sure the captain is aboard before getting under way.

Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

The clerk showed the guy the stores most expensive perfume.

This is called Perhaps, said the sales clerk.

Its $285 per ounce.

Listen, the guy shot back, for $285 an ounce, I dont want something called Perhaps; I want something called, You Can Bet Your Happy ASS Youll Get Some!

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of pottery.

He strolled into the store and offered two dollars for the cat. Its not for sale, said the proprietor.

Look, said the collector, that cat is dirty and undesirable, but Im eccentric. I like cats that way. Ill raise my offer to ten dollars.

Its a deal, said the proprietor, and pocketed the ten on the spot.

For that sum Im sure you wont mind throwing in the saucer, said the connoisseur. The kitten seems so happy drinking from it.

Nothing doing, said the proprietor firmly. Thats my lucky saucer. From that saucer, so far this week Ive sold 34 cats.

These are actual comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call.Escalators would help on steep uphill sections. Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness.Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.All the mile markers are missing this year.Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse.Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests.Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.Need more signs to keep area pristine.A McDonalds would be nice at the trail head.The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.Too many rocks in the mountains.

This poem was written by Jon Saxton (an author of math textbooks).

((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0

Or for those who have trouble with the poem:

A Dozen, a Gross and a Score,

plus three times the square root of four,

divided by seven,

plus five times eleven,

equals nine squared and not a bit more.

Tis a favorite project of mine

A new value of pi to assign.

I would fix it at 3

For its simpler, you see,

Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9.

(The Lure of the Limerick by W.S. Baring-Gould, p.5. Attributed to Harvey L. Carter).

If inside a circle a line

Hits the center and goes spine to spine

And the lines length is d

the circumference will be

d times 3.14159

If (1+x) (real close to 1)

Is raised to the power of 1

Over x, you will find

Heres the value defined:
2.718281…

Heres a limerick – looks better on paper.

/3
/
| 2 3 x 3.14 3_
| z dz x cos( ———-) = ln (/e )
| 9
/
1

Which, of course, translates to:

Integral z-squared dz

from 1 to the square root of 3

times the cosine

of three pi over 9

equals log of the cube root of e.

And its correct, too.