Old and New Jokes

Its just to hot to wear clothes today, said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

Probably that I married you for your money.

A Purple Heart proves three things: you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.



10 second fuses only last 7 seconds.

Anything you do can get you shot, even doing nothing.

Claymores are labeled This side toward enemy for a reason.

Dont draw fire, it irritates the people around you.



Dont ever be the first, dont ever be the last and dont ever, ever volunteer to do anything.



Dont look conspicuous: it draws fire.

If its stupid but works, it really isnt stupid.

If the enemy is in range, so are you.

If the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is *not* our friend.

If you cant remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

Incoming fire has the right of way.



It is generally unadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you cant get out.

Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

Professionals are predictable, its the amateurs that are dangerous.

Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

The easy way is always mined.



The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions:

a. When youre not ready for them.

b. When youre ready for them.

Either time is inconvenient and generally a bummer.



The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.

Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

When in doubt empty the magazine.

Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.

Q: How many Synagogue officials does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Change? How dare you! My Grandfather (may he rest in peace) donated that lightbulb!

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it to you.

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.The trees are whistling for the dogs.The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.Hot water now comes out of both taps.You can make sun tea instantly.You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron!The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.You actually burn your hand opening the car door.You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.The cows are giving evaporated milk.

The stunning blonde had gone to her student advisor for some course problems, but seemed to be only half paying attention to his replies.

Are you feeling OK? he asked.

Well, to be honest, I have this compulsion to have sex with every man I meet. she admitted. Is there a name for my condition?

Why yes, there is. he said, as he picked her up and began carrying her to the couch. Its called Good News.

Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take
care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism
You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government
takes all the milk.

Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd
multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the
income.

Enron Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed
company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the
bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer
so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five
cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an
intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed
company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows,
with an option on one more.

A man rings his local newspaper so he can place an obituary for his recently deceased wife.
He only has £1, and for that he can only afford three words.He asks the clerk if he can just put: Margaret is dead.The clerk explains to him that this probably isnt enough and taking pity on him, offers him six words for £1.So the bereaved man writes his new notice: Margaret is dead. Car for sale.

This is a compilation of actual Church Bulletins and Service bloopers:

Our next song is Angels We Have Heard Get High.
Dont let worry kill you–let the church help.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Weight Watchers will meet a 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
Jean will be leading a weight-management series Wednesday nights. Shes used the program herself and has been growing like crazy!
The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
Thursday night–Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be What is Hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.
During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when A. B. Doe supplied our pulpit.
The Rev. Adams spoke briefly, much to the delight of his audience.
The church is glad to have with us today as our guest minister the Rev. Shirley Green, who has Mrs. Green with him. After the service we request that all remain in the sanctuary for the Hanging of the Greens.
The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeares Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
Please join us as we show our support for Amy and Alan in preparing for the girth of their first child.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.