Old and New Jokes

Mr Wong goes to an optometrist to have his failing eyesight checked out.

The optometrist runs a battery of tests and comes to a conclusion.

Mr Wong, Im afraid you have a cataract

He replies, No I dont – I drive lincoln town car!

Q: What has four legs and an arm?

A: A happy pit-bull

A little boy asked his mum if he could go in the bath with her and she said sure as long as you dont look under the bubbles so he looked under the bubbles and said mum whats that and his mum said its a forest.

A week later he asked his dad if he could go in the bath with him and his dad said sure as long as you dont look under the bubbles so he looked under the bubbles and said dad whats that and his dad said its a snake.

A week later the boy asked his nan if he could go in the bath with her she said sure as long as you dont look over the bubbles so he looked over the bubbles and said nan whats that and his nan said there my light bulbs.

That very evening he had a nightmare so he went to his mums bedroom and said mum ive had a nightmare can i sleep in your bed and she said course as long as you dont look under the covers and he looked under the covers and shouted NAN TURN YOUR LIGHT BULBS ON THE SNAKES GOING IN THE FOREST

Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
A: A foursome.

Q: What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket?
A. A rebel without a clue!

Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last years hide and seek champ.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blondes head?
A: A space invader.

Q: What do you call a really smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: What does a blonde say during a porno?
A: There I am!!

Q: What does the postcard from a blondes vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up.

What happened to the blind skunk? He fell in love with a fart.

How to fall in love without losing yourself.
How you feel about having kids.
How to quit a job, break up with a man and confront a friend without ruining the friendship.
When to try harder and when to walk away.
How to kiss a man in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldnt like to happen next.
How to have a good time at a party youd never choose to attend.
How to ask for what you want in a way that makes it most likely youll get it.
That you cant change the length of your calves, the width of your hips or the nature of your parents.
That your childhood may not have been perfect, but its over.
What you would and wouldnt do for love or more.
How to live alone, even if you dont like it.
Who you can trust, who you cant, and why you shouldnt take it personally.
Where to go – be it your best friends kitchen table or a charming inn hidden in the woods-when your soul needs soothing.
What you can and cant accomplish in a day, a month and a year.
Why they say life begins at 30.

I clean my house according to some simple principles that are easy to remember:

If you have just stepped on something and danced around in pain until you slipped on a magazine, it is probably time to pick up again.

If you find your scissors by feeling around your dining room table until you feel something hard of the correct shape, its time to clear off a few things.

If you need a gas mask to open your fridge, you might think about throwing away some of those leftovers.

If you drop your comb in the bathroom and you pick it up with more hair than is currently attached to your head, its time to sweep.

If the neighbors are circulating a petition about the state of your yard, you might consider cutting the grass – but only if youve failed to buy them off with a doll dress or two.

When sorting newspaper, ask yourself if anyone asked for it in the last six months (or the last time you sorted, whichever comes later). If no one has, throw it out.

If your feet stick walking across the kitchen floor, its time to mop.

If it takes more than 20 minutes to find your kids when you wake them up in the morning, its time to have them clean their rooms – use new doll dresses or Power Ranger stuff as incentives.

If you havent seen the floor of your car for a week because of the Happy Meal litter on the floor and wash me is written in the dust on the outside of the car, its time to take the hint.

Tech Support: What does the screen say now.

Person: It says, Hit ENTER when ready.

Tech Support: Well?

Person: How do I know when its ready?

How do you Sink an Irish Submarine?Knock on the Door.

Innkeeper: The room is $15 a night. Its $5 if youll make your own bed.

Guest: Ill make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. Ill get you some nails and wood.