A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift. Well, says the doctor, I can do the facelift, and then youll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.
Oh, no. the woman replies. I want it all done in one shot. I dont wan to have to come back.
The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear.
Thats what I want! exclaims the lady. Lets do that.
Six months later the lady charges into the doctors office. Well, hows the procedure holding up? the doctor asks.
Terrible! the lady bellows. Its the worst mistake Ive ever made.
Whats wrong? asks the doctor.
Just look at these bags under my eyes! she hollers.
Lady, the doctor retorts, those arent bags, those are your breasts. And if you dont leave that screw alone, youre going to have a beard!
Dos locas conversan. Dice la una:
Por la mañana voy a la iglesia a rezar maitines. Después de desayunarme, rezo el rosario. A las doce voy a la capilla a rezar el ángelus, después de comer rezo el Ave MarÃa. A las seis voy a misa, me confieso y comulgo. Después de oÃr misa escucho la novena. Antes de acostarme rezo el rosario y una vez acostada rezo tres avemarÃas y cinco padrenuestros. Todo esto lo hago porque pienso que el alma es para el Cielo.
¿Y el cuerpo, qué?, pregunta la otra mariquita.
Al cuerpo que le den por culo, que para eso está.
The Geography of a Woman
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Between the ages of 18 – 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 – 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 – 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 – 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 – 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between the ages of 50 – 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
Between the ages of 60 – 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future (a bit like Tony Blair, maybe Blairs a women really).
After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.
The Geography of a Man
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Between the ages of 15 – 70 a man is like Zimbabwe – ruled by a dick.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a law against it by that time.
How many skunks does it take to stink up a room?
A phew.
These are NOT made up. These are the actual titles of Country Songs…
1. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed
2. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause Im Kissing You Goodbye
3. How Can I Miss You If You Wont Go Away?
4. I Cant Get Over You, So Why Dont You Get Under Me?
5. I Dont Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling
6. I Got In At 2 With a 10, And Woke Up At 10 With a 2
7. I Hate Every Bone In Your Body Except For Mine
8. I Keep Forgettin I Forgot About You
9. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well
10. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aims Gettin Better
11. I Wouldnt Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause Im Afraid Shed Win
12. Ill Marry You Tomorrow But Lets Honeymoon Tonite
13. Im So Miserable Without You, Its Like Having You Here
14. Ive Got Tears in My Ears From Lying On My Back Crying my eyes out over you
15. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, Id Be Out By Now
16. Mama Get A Hammer (Theres A Fly On Papas Head)
17. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Dont Love Jesus
18. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him
19. Please Bypass this Heart
20. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger
21. Youre The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper.
And a jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker.
And a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper.
What do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
Answer: A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.The teacher then announced, Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldnt hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!The room suddenly got quiet.Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand. Yes? replied the teacher.Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?
You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.
The little league puts you on waivers.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
The moths in your money belt starve to death.
People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
Your wife starts charging you rent.
A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.
You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.
The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.
Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.
The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.
The department of biological warfare ask for your stew recipe.
Your childrens school calls to surrender.
You cant afford to drive your new car.
It takes you three hours to make minute rice.
Youre so bored you play hide & seek alone.
The fortune teller charges you half price.
People give you the senior citizen discount and youre only 37.
Your wife takes the dog on vacation and leaves you at the kennels.
You find a note on the table instead of supper.
Your wife tapes your picture to the dart board.
The bribes family throws rocks instead of rice.
Your wife is sitting on the stove holding a picket sign.
Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
Your plants do better when you dont talk to them.
The house is messy again before you can finish cleaning.
Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hells Angels motorcyclists.
Youve been at work 3 hours before you notice that your fly is open.
Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.
Everyone avoids you the mor
How come they dont let the little black kids play in the sandbox?
Cause the kittys keep trying to bury them.