Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Walt!
Walt who?
Walt till your father gets home!

Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
A: Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple…

Note: Topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983

Buying a Fur Coat

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young Jackie said unhappily, Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?

The woman shot her an angry look, Jackie, how dare you talk about your father like that!

Billy Joe and Betty-Sue get married and Billy Joe whisks her away to his daddys hunting cabin in the woods for a romantic nature honeymoon.

He carries her across the threshold and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear,
Billy Joe, be gentle, I air never been with a man bfore.

WHAT?
shouts Billy Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head. Billy Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes and races out the door, into his truck…
down the mountain…
straight to his parents house… rushes inside screaming,
Hey Daddy! Paw! Git up!’

His father rushes downstairs and gasps,
Billy Joe, whatre you doin here?

Billy Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps,
Well, Betty-Sue and I was in the cabin and she toll me she aint never been with a man afore… sos I rushed outta there an lit back here quick as I could.

His father grasps Billy Joes shoulder in reassurance and says,
Son, ya done the right thing. Iffin she aint goodnuff fer her family, she shure as shit aint goodnuff fer ours!

A ver Jaimito, ¿Cuántos habitantes hay en la tierra?

Cinco millones…

¡No, hombre, no, muchos más!

Siete millones…

¡Que no, Jaimito, muchos más!

Nueve millones…

¡QUE NO HOMBRE, DI UNA BURRADA!

Pues…, ¡¡Me cagüen tu puta madre!!

Manolo y Venancio están subidos en un árbol comiendo manzanas. De pronto, aparece la Guardia Civil y los ve:

Venga, bajad del árbol.

Los dos tontilandeses bajan del manzano; ya en el suelo, la Guardia Civil les pregunta:

A ver, ¿vosotros quienes sois?

Pues quiénes vamos a ser, somos los del árbol, responde con desdén Manolo.

Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.

Certainly madam, he replied courteously.

Is the restaurant open still? inquired Mary.

Sorry, no, came the reply, but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?

Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please, said Mary.

Certainly madam, he replied.

And can I have breakfast in bed? asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please, Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.

The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out. The same guy was still on the desk.

Morning madam…sleep well?

Yes, thank you, Mary replied.

Food to your liking?

Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I dont think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho….they really werent that nice at all, replied Mary truthfully.

Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.

We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion, said the receptionist.

OK, I will…thanks! replied Mary….who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.

Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.

Supercauliflowercheesebuteggswerequiteatrocious!

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender gives him the drink and he drinks it. Then he looks in his shirt pocket and orders another drink. He does the same thing with the second drink and orders a third drink. The bartender pours the drink and says listen pal Ill buy you drinks all night long if you tell me why you keep looking in your shirt pocket. To this the guy replies I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good I know Ive had enough to drink and its time to go home.

Some people just seem to have a lot of luck. A friend of mine is one of those card players who can almost always draw whatever he needs to win a hand in poker, but loses big time at the races.

I asked him about this once and he replied, Well … they wont let me shuffle the horses.

Three men had been friends for a long time and each night they went out for a good time. But one the men was always getting drunk.

One night the men were out together and the one that always drank too much passed out. The other two decided that they would teach him a lesson to try to get him to stop drinking.

They carried his drunken body to the cemetery where they found a grave that had been dug for a funeral the following day. They dropped him into the grave and left him.

The next morning the drunk awoke and was trying to figure out where he was. He finally managed to climb to the top of the hole.

He looked around and saw all of the tombstones and said, Well, what do you know, Resurrection Day, and Im the first one up!