Old and New Jokes

Port – Where the commercial fishing boats dock

Y2K Status Report…



Our staff has completed the 3 years of work on time and on budget. We have gone through every line of code in every program in every system.



We have analyzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the Y-to-K date change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards:



Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December



and…:



Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak



I trust that this is satisfactory, because to be honest, none of this Y to K problem has made any sense to me. But I understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in any way possible. And what does the year 2000 have to do with it? Speaking of which, what do you think we ought to do next year when the two digit year rolls over from 99 to 00?



Well await your direction.

A Polish man finds a jeannie lamp on the beach, he rubs it and the jeannie
comes out and says: I grant you one wish.

He said to the jeannie, I want you to build me a bridge to Poland.

The jeannie said: No one can build a bridge that long,
you have to pick another wish.

He thinks for a minute and said: I want you to make all my family and friends in
Poland smart so people dont put them down.

The jeannie replies, How many lanes did you want on that bridge?

There were two guys out ice fishing. One guy had been sitting for several hours with no catch at all. Finally, he looked over at the other guy.

The other guy would put his line in, a fish would jump on, hed pull the fish out, and then put it in the bucket. The guy was pulling fish in at a rate of about one every thirty seconds.

The guy with bad luck went over to the other guy and asked, Hey buddy, how are you managing to catch all those fish?

The other guy replied, MMMMMMNNNNNNNPPPHH!.

Say again, buddy?

MMMMMMNNNNNNNPPPHH!.

One more time, I didnt catch that.

The other guy then spit something into his hand and said, You gotta keep the worms warm!

For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Mr. Cody was a well-known rector of a protestant church. One day
he had been playing golf and after having a shower he was resting
in the club room, dressed in a bathrobe. A stranger comes in, looks
at him and tries in vain to remember who this guy is. Finally, he
asks:

Where in Hell have I seen you before?

Cody: I dont know. Which part of Hell are you from?

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,- Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbors wife!

Modem, She Wrote
Each week, our intrepid detective tries to solve the ultimate mystery: why her modem wont ever connect at 56k.
Micro-CHiPs
Ponch and Jon now patrol the Information Superhighway.
Carlys Angels
Chief exec Carly Fiorina instructs her team of three vixen market analysts on how to prop up HPs sagging stock price.
Hawaii 6.0
An upgraded version of the classic series. Steve McGarrett goes surfing for bad guys online.
T. J. Hacker
A retired cop, with an uncanny resemblance to James T. Kirk, takes up computer hacking to track down the miscreants who canceled his TV show.
The Excel Files
Inexplicable things are happening to the data in Microsoft Excel spreadsheets. Can this puzzle be solved? The truth is out there.
The AOL-Team
Each week, AOL, Time Warner, Netscape, and Mr. T unite to promote corporate mergers and make the world safe for capitalism.
Magnum, PC
This series about a crime-solving personal computer that goes by the code name Deep Blue is based in beautiful Hawaii. Season finale cliff-hanger: Will Deep Blue be seduced by the wily charms of the Texas Instruments Speak n Spell?
The Incredible Bulk
The exciting adventures of Windows, which just keeps growing and growing.
Buffy the Virus Slayer
Buffy and her fearless gang of antivirus definitions stalk and kill VBS files – no small feat while wearing a halter top and high-heeled boots.

via C|Nets Digital Dispatch email newsletter

Remake of Roots starring Michael Jackson
Performance of The Nutcracker by the Bolshoi Ballet with special guest Hillary Clinton
The Martha Stewart WWF Smackdown
Any sitcom starring Emeril Lagasse
Jerry Falwell napping with a Teletubby stuffed toy
Any day in the life of the British royalty
Ricky Martin in a tasteful, hot pink, off-the-shoulder number
Bill Gates on a Harley Davidson
Yet another commercial starring Carrot Top
Osama bin Laden in a Christian Science bookstore

A man took his Dobermann to the vet and said, My dogs cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do? Well, said the vet, lets have a look at him. So he picked up the dog by the ears and had a good look at its eyes. Well, said the vet, Im going to have to put him down. What? Just because hes cross-eyed?! exclaimed the man. No, because hes heavy.