Enter – Come on in
17
May
17
May
At the card shop:
A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, No. A clerk came over and asked, May I help you?
I dont know, said the woman. Do you have any Sorry I laughed at your dick cards?
17
May
De acuerdo con los últimos estudios realizados en la Universidad de Oxford por el doctor Alfred Ohmygod Fuckyourself, se demuestra que la dieta más efectiva para el ser humano, y más placentera, es la que a continuación se detalla. (A lo largo de varios años y dilatadas y diversas experiencias el lector podrá comprobar la veracidad de los datos estadÃsticos.)
El sexo es la manera más práctica y divertida de perder peso. Vea cuántas calorÃas se pierden en cada actividad.
QUITANDO LA ROPA
Con el consentimiento de ella: 12 calorÃas.
Sin el consentimiento de ella: 187 calorÃas.
ABRIENDO EL SOSTÉN
Con las dos manos: 8 calorÃas.
Con una mano: 12 calorÃas.
Con la boca: 85 calorÃas.
COLOCANDO EL PRESERVATIVO
Con erección: 6 calorÃas.
Sin erección: 315 calorÃas.
PRELIMINARES
Intentando encontrar el clÃtoris: 8 calorÃas.
Intentando encontrar el punto G: 92 calorÃas.
POSICIONES
Misionero: 12 calorÃas.
69 tumbado: 78 calorÃas.
69 de pie: 112 calorÃas (Con ella de pie).
Carretilla: 216 calorÃas.
De perrito: 326 calorÃas.
Candelabro italiano: 912 calorÃas.
TENIENDO UN ORGASMO
Real: 112 calorÃas.
Falso: 315 calorÃas.
POST ORGASMO
Quedarse en la cama abrazado: 18 calorÃas.
Salir de la cama enseguida: 36 calorÃas.
Explicar por qué salió de la cama enseguida: 116 calorÃas.
CONSIGUIENDO LA SEGUNDA ERECCIÓN
Si tiene entre:
20 y 29 años: 36 calorÃas.
30 y 39 años: 80 calorÃas.
40 y 49 años: 124 calorÃas.
50 y 59 años: 972 calorÃas.
60 y 70 años: 2916 calorÃas.
Más de 70 años: No hay datos (los voluntarios murieron tratando de hacerlo).
Más de 10 años de casado: 4635 calorÃas.
COLOCANDO LA ROPA
Con calma: 32 calorÃas.
Con prisa por salir: 98 calorÃas.
Con el papá de ella golpeando la puerta: 1218 calorÃas.
Con tu mujer golpeando la puerta: 3521 calorÃas.
Con el marido de ella tocando la puerta: 4695 calorÃas.
17
May
Sign on the wall of the office of an ethnologist: Beware of bargains in 1. Parachutes 2. Life preservers 3. Brain surgery 4. Eye Care
Billboard sign on a highway coming out of Austin, TX: Nobody reads billboards…. But you just did 🙂
An ad on the subway in NYC: Learn to read and speak English. Call us now.
An Amelia Island, FL, podiatrist: Emergency Foot Surgery- Walk-ins Welcomed.
Sign over a restroom in a restaurant: Used beer department.
17
May
Theorem: All positive integers are equal.
Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B.
Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B.
Proceed by induction.
If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. So A = B.
Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B.
17
May
From a recent newspaper article:
Cuba has severe shortages of almost every consumer commodity, including
food. Heres a current joke:
There was this fried egg walking down the street, minding its own
business. It hears some noise behind it, turns around, and sees a crowd
of hungry Cubans in the distance bearing down on it. It runs away as
fast as its little fried egg leggs will go, when it sees a steak.
It yells to the steak, Run away! Run away! Theyll get you too!
but the steak just laughs and says, They wont even recognize me.
17
May
This women of forty, being a rather vain person, decided she needed a face lift. With her pocketbook as large as her ego, she went to several plastic surgeons before choosing the best money could buy.
The doctor assured her that he could make her look young for many years because of a new technique he used.
After the operation the doc told her that he had put a screw behind each ear that she could tighten as needed to keep her fresh young look.
The woman was pleased for several years until one morning when she noticed bags under her eyes. Furiously she stormed into the doctors office demanding to know why there where bags under her eyes.
The doctor replied, Lady those arent bags, theyre your tits, and if you dont stop turning those screws youre going to have a beard!
17
May
A physician visited a California mental institution and asked a patient How did you get here? What is the nature of your illness?
He got this reply.
It started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter.
My Daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother.
Soon my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddys brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddys wife. So as I told you, when stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once, my stepmother. Now since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle.
As you know, my wife is my step grand-mother since she is my stepmothers mother. (Dont forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter.) Remember, too, that I am my wifes grandson.
But hold on just a few minutes more. you see, since Im married to my step grand-mother, I am not only the wifes grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather.
Now can you understand how I got put in this place?
Rainy WWW
17
May
1) Thou shall not sneak out when parents are sleeping.
(why wait that long)
2) Thou shall not do drugs.
(alcohol lasts longer, not to mention being cheaper.)
3) Thou shall not steal from K-Mart.
(Walmart has a bigger selection)
4) Thou shall not be arrested for vandalism.
(destruction has a bigger effect, I can tell you all about this)
5) Thou shall not steal from your parents.
(everyone knows grandma has more money)
6) Thou shall not get into fights.
(Cat fight anyhow…just start them.)
7) Thou shall not skip class.
(just take the whole day off)
8) Thou shall not strip in class.
(Hooters pays more)
9) Thou shall not think about having sex.
(like Nike says, just do it)
10) Thou shall not help old ladies across the street.
(just leavem in the middle)
17
May
Q: What did the blonde say when the docter told her one leg was bigger than the other?
A: Like, Not even!