Old and New Jokes

Dos grupos de estudiantes de una universidad van en el mismo tren a una convención de matemáticos e informáticos. Todos los matemáticos han comprado su billete, pero los informáticos han comprado sólo uno, así que los matemáticos están preparandose para reírse a su costa.

En esto, uno de los informáticos grita REVISOR, y todos los informáticos se meten en el cuarto de baño. El revisor llega, les pide los billetes a los matemáticos, y al llegar al cuarto de baño llama a la puerta y dice EL BILLETE, POR FAVOR. Entonces los informáticos pasan el billete por debajo de la puerta. Después, cuando el revisor ha pasado, los informáticos vuelven a sentarse y se ríen de los matemáticos.

Al acabar la convención, todos los estudiantes se vuelven a encontrar en la estación del tren y los matemáticos deciden usar el mismo truco, así que compran un sólo billete para todos ellos, pero cuando suben al tren se encuentran con que los informáticos no han comprado ni un sólo billete, así que de nuevo se preparan para gozar de su venganza…

Al cabo de un rato, alguien grita REVISOR, y entonces todos los informáticos se dirigen a un cuarto de baño y todos los matemáticos a otro. Al cabo de unos segundos, los informáticos abren su puerta y uno de ellos asoma su cabeza y mira cuidadosamente a su alrededor; luego sale del cuarto, se dirige al cuarto de baño de los matemáticos, llama a la puerta y dice: EL BILLETE, POR FAVOR

Era el cumpleaños de Pepito y había invitado a su fiesta a la niña que le gustaba, enotnces le dijo a la niña:

Vamos a jugar al carro.

La niña le dijo que si.

Dijo Pepito:

Primera velociadad: yo me quito la ropa.

Segunda velocidad: tu te la quitas.

Tercera velocidad: nos subimos a la cama.

Cuarta velociadad haces el amor.

Para esto llaga su mamá y la niña le dice:

¿Qué hacemos?

Pepito responde:

Mi carro no tiene reversa.

A blonde was driving her car one day, when she ran into a hailstorm. The hail stones were very large and made a lot of dents in the roof of her car. After the hail stopped, she went to a gas station and asked the attendant what she could do to get the dents out of her car.

The attendant, being a smart-ass, told her: Blow real hard into the exhaust pipe, and that should push out the dents.



When the blonde got home, not knowing any better, she did just that. While she was down on her hands and knees with her lips wrapped around her cars tailpipe, huffing and puffing trying to blow the dents out, her roommate-also a blonde-came home.



Her roommate of course asked her what the heck she was doing.



The first blonde told her how the guy at the gas station said this was how she could get the dents out.



The second blonde thought about it for a moment, then said: Like, uh, you have to roll-up the windows first.

Q: What is the difference between a computer and a woman?

A: A woman wont take a 3 1/2 inch floppy.

A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married and they were honeymooning in Jamaica, the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.



The American said to him Oh is your girl named Wendy too?



The Jamaican replied, No, Mon that says, Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

170. Talk on the phone a lot. Dont pick up the receiver.

Save all manner of bacon grease. If it cant be fried in bacon grease, it aint worth cooking, let alone eating. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we cant stay home the two days of the year it snows. If you do run your car into a ditch, dont panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Dont try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for. Dont be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store. Remember: "Yall" is singular. "All yall" is plural. "All yalls" is plural possessive. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent. People walk slower here. Dont be worried that you dont understand anyone. They dont understand you either. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerners vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol", as in "big ol truck" or "big ol boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. "He needed killin" is a valid defense here. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, yall, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their cars windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something youre supposed to do. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, youre better off trying to find it yourself.

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist, Gimme a chap stick.

The pharmacist asks the duck, Will that be cash or charge? The duck replies, Just put it on my bill.

The next day, the duck goes back to the drugstore and says to the clerk, Give me a box of condoms.

The clerk says, Do you want me to also put them on your bill? The duck says, Hell no, Im not that kind of duck!

One day a little boy walked in on his parents doing it and asked what
they were doing. The parents reply was that they were making fish
sticks. So the little boy left it at that.

A few nights later the little boy walks in on them again, and this
time he asks, Are you making fish sticks again?

The parents both reply yes.

The boy remarks, Well, mom, you have a little tartar sauce on your
mouth.

One evening after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the street when they observed a well dressed, attractive young lady walking just ahead of them. One turned to the other and said, Id give fifty bucks to spend the night with that woman.

To their surprise the woman turned and said, Ill take you up on that.

She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his friend goodnight, the man accompanied the lady to her apartment, where they immediately went to bed.

The following morning the man presented her with twenty-five dollars as he prepared to leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating, If you dont give me the other twenty-five dollars Ill sue you for it.

He laughed, saying, Id like to see you get it on these grounds.

The next day he was surprised when served with a summons ordering his presence in court as defendant. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case.

His lawyer said She cant possibly get a judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented.

After the usual preliminaries, the ladys lawyer adressed the court as follows: Your Honor, my client is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent o the defendent for a specified length of time for fifty dollars. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises he paid only twenty five dollars. The rent is not excessive since it was restricted property, and we ask judgement to be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance.

The defendants lawyer was impressed and amused at the way the case had been presented. His defence was therefore somewhat altered from what he had planned. Your Honor, my client agrees the young lady has a fine piece of property, for a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property, around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft and erected a pump, all labour being personally performed by him. We claim these improvements to the property are sufficient to offset the unpaid balance, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of the said property. We therefore ask that the judgement not be granted.

The young ladys lawyers comeback was this: Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on the property, and did make moves as described by my opponent; however, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property; also upon evacuating the premises, the defendant moved the stones, pulled out the shaft and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged his equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making it easily accessible to little children. We therefore ask judgement to be granted.

(SHE GOT IT!)