Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down? A: Two brunettes.

Its just to hot to wear clothes today, said Jack as he stepped out of the shower. Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

Probably that I married you for your money.

Estaba Dios con sus Arcángeles, creando el mundo, cuando le toca el turno de crear la Argentina, Dios dice:

Le daremos tierras fértiles, que llamaremos La Pampa, y también al norte, las mejores tierras para que cultiven las mejores uvas, que daran los mejores vinos. También le pondremos una hermosa cordillera, con nieves eternas, y le daremos inmensas playas, bosques llenos de vida, variedad de climas y fauna y bla-bla-bla…

En eso uno de los arcángeles interrumpe y dice:

Pero Dios, ¿tanta belleza y tanta fertilidad le daremos a ese país? ¿no es demasiado?

¡Sí, pero después le ponemos 35 millones de argentinos que se encargarán de hacer mierda todo!

One day two men were fishing, when a Game Warden slipped up on themand asked

to see their fishing licences.One of the men took off running in . So



the warden started chasinghim. He ran after the man up and down the



side of the river, thru the swamp,up the side of a mountain, the man swam across the



river with the warden right behind him . Then he swam back across the river with the warden still right behind him.Finaly after about three miles of chasnig the game warden caught up with the man, bleeding and out of breath the warden asked to see his fishing licence. The man reached in his pocket and pulled out his licence and



handed it to the warden.And the warden asked why did you run? The man just looked at the warden and smiled and said the other guy didnt have his licence.

A massive cold front swept across the nation this week, but its not
expected to affect the election. Says Hamilton, The Weather Channel said
the five-day forecast for Bob Dole is three days.

Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when you cant drink and drive?

Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If youre in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say Open here. What is the protocol if the package says, Open somewhere else?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why cant they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Question: Whats the biggest pencil in the World?

Answer: Pennsylvania!

you better !pout !cry
you better watchout
lpr why
santa claus < north pole > town

cat /etc/passwd > list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice > giftlist
santa claus < north pole > town

who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep bad | good
for (goodness sake) {
be good
}
santa claus < north pole > town

1981
1. Prince Charles gets married
2. Liverpool Champions league winner
3. Pope dies.2005
1. Prince Charles gets married
2. Liverpool Champions league winner
3. Pope dies.If Prince Charles gets married agan and és Liverpool wins Champions league in the same year … maybe it would be a good idea to notify the Pope …

A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctors office and say: Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?

The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says, Yes, youre having sex properly. That will be forty dollars.

They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day.

On the fifth visit the doctor says, Why do you keep on coming back?

I told you youre having sex properly.

The boy explains, The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid.