Old and New Jokes

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, Well Bill, Im really confused on this one. Its a tough decision; Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95 among other indiscretions. I believe Ill do something Ive never done before; Ill let you decide where you want to go.

Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, Could you briefly explain the difference between the two? Looking slightly puzzled, God said, Better yet, why dont I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?

Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, I think Ill try Hell first. So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.

When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place, a bit warm, with sandy beaches and tall mountains, clear skies, pristine water, and beautiful women frolicking about. A smile came across Bills face as he took in a deep breath of the clean air. This is great, he thought, if this is Hell, I cant wait to see heaven.

Within seconds of his thought, another flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke appeared, and Bill was off to Heaven. Heaven was a place high above the clouds, where angels were drifting about playing their harps and singing in a beautiful chorus. It was a very nice place, Bill thought, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill looked up, cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled for God and Bill Gates was sent to Hell for eternity.

Time passed, and God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was progressing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill Gates shackled to a wall in a dark cave amid bone thin men and tongues of fire, being burned and tortured by demons.

So, how is everything going? God asked.

Bill responded with a crackling voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! Its nothing like the Hell I visited the first time!! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to the other place….with the beaches and the mountains and the beautiful women?

That was the demo, replied God.

While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk.



People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, one says, but we have no one to go to with our own problems.



Since were all professionals, another suggests, why dont we hear each other out right now?

They agreed this is a good idea. The first psychiatrist confesses, Im a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can.



The second admits, I have a drug problem thats out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me.



The third psychiatrist says, I know its wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just cant keep a secret.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

89. Every time your roommate walks in yell, Hooray! Youre back! as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, Shouldnt you be going somewhere?

How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in eventually.

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

Nice bike, the cop said. Did Santa bring it to you?

Yep, the little girl said, he sure did!

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, Nice horse you got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?

Yes, he sure did, chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, Next year tell Santa the huge dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

Thibodaux was driving his car past Beaudreauxs house and saw a sign that read: BOAT FOR SALE

Thibodaux marches up to Beaudreauxs front porch and wraps hard on the door and Beaudreaux opens it.

Thibodaux say, Beaudreaux! How long we ban frands?

Beaudreaux say, Well … All our lives Thibideaux

Thibodaux say, Why dont you told me you gotta boat?

Beaudreaux say, I ant gotta boat!

Thibodaux say, Da sign say; BOAT FOR SALE.

Beaudreaux say, OH-NO Thibodaux! … See dat old 72 Ford pickemup truck over-dare

Thibodaux say, Yas, I see dat old pickemup truck

Beaudreaux say, See dat 76 Cheverloet Ce-dan

Thibodaux say, yas, I see dat Ce-dan

Beaudreaux say, Well, dey boat for sale.

A burglar breaks into a house in the ritzier area of town. Hes sure that
theres nobody home but he sneaks in, doesnt turn on any lights and heads
for where he thinks the valuables are kept.

He hears a voice say, I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!

He freezes in his tracks! He doesnt move a muscle!

A couple of minutes go by. The voice repeats I can see you! Jesus can
see you, too!

He slowly takes out his flashlight, switches it on and looks around the
room. He sees a bird cage with a parrot in it. Did you say that?

The parrot says again, I can see you! Jesus can see you, too!

Hah! So what?! Youre just a parrot! says the burglar.

I may be just a parrot, replies the parrot. But Jesus is a
Doberman!

Weve all had the annoying experience of calling up a hotline and waiting on the phone for eons to hear all the choices the lucky touch-tone dialers receive. Well, think how frustrating that would be if you were calling the…. PSYCHIATRIC HOTLINE The telephone rings and an answering machine answers… "Welcome to the psychiatric hotline." If you are obsessive compulsive, please press one repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are paranoid/delusional, we know who you are, what you want, just stay on the line so that we can trace your call. If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If your are manic depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press….no one will answer any way.

Great Britain used to be an Empire, ruled by an Emperor.Then it was a Kingdom, ruled by a King.Now its a Country.

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I cant help but cry. I mean Id love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.

— singer Mariah Carey.

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

— Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana… The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but cant remember what they are.

— Matt Lauer on NBCs Today show, August 22.

I havent committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.

— David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost a very important part of your life.

— Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

Ive never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.

— Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.

— Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued… Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976.

— Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid.

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history… this centurys history…We all lived in this century. I didnt live in this century.

— Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself.

— Chicago Rotary Club journal, Gyrator.

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. Its only the people who make them unsafe.

— Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

Ive always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted.

— Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post.

— Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing.

— Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.