Q: How do you make a french horn sound like a trombone?
A: Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.
03
Nov
03
Nov
Q: How many Argentinians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Nine thousand-after all, its *their* light bulb.
03
Nov
A little boy wanted $100 so badly that he prayed for two weeks. But nothing happened; so he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD, USA, hey decided to send it to President Clinton. Bill was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill.
The little boy was delighted with the $5, and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read; Dear God, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had it sent through Washington, DC, and as usual, those guys deducted $95.
03
Nov
Entra un turista a una farmacia en Brasil y le dice al farmacéutico:
Deme una aspirina, por favor…
El negro saca una aspirina enorme, del tamaño de un plato y se la envuelve. El tipo, confundido le pregunta:
¿No tiene una aspirina más chiquita? ¿Una de tamaño normal?
Y el negro le responde: ¡En Brasil fabricamos as aspiriñas mais grandes du mundu!
El tipo, asombrado, acepta la enorme aspirina y dice:
Deme un tubo de pasta dentÃfrica, por favor.
El negro saca un tubo del tamaño de un termo y le dice: ¡En Brasil fabricamos o tubo do pasta dentÃfrica máis grande du mundu! ¿Vocé gusta algo máis?
El tipo lo piensa un poco y le responde:
No, gracias negro, los supositorios los compro de regreso a mi paÃs.
03
Nov
A sergeant-major in the Paras was giving a lecture to some raw recruits.
If you want to be part of this regiment, he shouted at them, then you need to have COMMITMENT! What do you need?
COMMITMENT, sergeant-major! the recruits all shouted back.
Right, I shall now demonstrate my COMMITMENT to this regiment.
The sergeant-major then ordered one of the men to open a nearby door. Almost as soon as the squaddie turned the handle, the door was pushed open and in slithered a ten-foot-long alligator, snarling and snapping. The sergeant-major then undid his belt and dropped his trousers. Almost as soon as he did so, the alligator ran up and sank his teeth right into the sergeant-majors love truncheon. The sergeant-major barely winced. This, he shouted. is what we in the Parachute Regiment call COMMITMENT! He weaited several seconds more to make his point and then swiftly jabbed the alligator in both eyes with his fingers.
The alligator flipped over on his back, jumped up, and ran into the corner of the office, glaring angrily at the sergeant-major.
That, you orrible bunch, is what we in the Paras call COMMITMENT. Now which one of you orrible little men is ready to demonstrate his COMMITMENT?
There was much shuffling of feet and murmuring until finally one young lad stepped forward. I, will sergeant-major, he said but youve got to promise not to poke me in the eyes.
03
Nov
Yo mama so skinny, I gave her a red hat and a fake mustache and people called her Paper Mario.
03
Nov
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline encounters turbulence.
03
Nov
This comes from a friend, who claims it happened to her.
Her seven-year-old asks: Mom, whats sex?
Mom (flustered): Well, thats whether youre a girl or a boy. You know,
like when we signed you up for swimming lessons, and the form asked what
your sex was, thats what they wanted to know.
Son: OK.
Mom: (whew)
Next day:
Son: Mom, Joe says that sex is when you take off your clothes and rub
against each other. Is that true?
Mom: Well, yes, thats another meaning of sex.
Son: ALL your clothes?
Mom: Yes.
Son: YUCK! Really?
(Ive forgotten what transpired here; no matter.)
Mom: Well, Im real glad you asked me about this. If you have any more
questions, please ask.
Son: Well, I do have one more.
Mom (breaking into a sweat): Yes?
Son: Where does metal come from?
03
Nov
A
salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona
when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip
had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo
man climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously
at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If youre wondering whats in the bag,"
offers the salesman, "its a bottle of wine.
I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several
times and says, "Good trade."
03
Nov
A: None. (Thats all right…Ill just sit here in the dark…)