Old and New Jokes

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas…
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?

It took him two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

The City Health Inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat to where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the Health Inspector nearly chokes when he see that he is not wearing a shirt. The chef then proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.

Appalled, the Health Inspector had barely finished writing up this infraction when an order came back for a hamburger. The cook proceeded to grab a handful of ground meat and pressed it into a perfect patty in his armpit. Shocked and bewildered, the Health Inspector called for the manager and explained the gravity of the deplorable conditions he had seen.

Thats nothing, said the manager, you should come back at five in the morning when he makes the donuts!

A blonde woman is driving a Porsche. She sees
another blonde woman with a Porsche that has
broken down on the side of the road. She stops to
ask whats wrong.

The owner of the broken Porsche
said, I just had a look under the hood, well,
while I was driving somebody had stolen the
engine.

The other said, Oh, dont wory, I have a spare
one in the back of my Porsche.

Papá, tengo dos noticias que darte: una buena y otra mala, ¿cuál quieres saber primero?

La buena, por supuesto.

¡La buena noticia es que dejé las drogas!

¡Me alegra mucho, hijo! ¿Y cuál es la mala?

Que no se dónde las dejé…

Una viejita y un viejo se conocen en una fiesta que organizó el PAMI para la tercera edad. Luego de charlar un rato, deciden ir a un lugar más tranquilo. Estacionan el auto y hacen el amor. Finalizado el acto y mientras volvían el viejito pensó:

De haber sabido que era virgen hubiera ido a un lugar más cómodo.

La viejita por su lado pensaba:

De haber sabido que se le paraba, me sacaba las pantimedias.

How do you kill an [ethnic]?

Smash the toliet seat over his head while he is getting a drink of water.

A blonde and a brunette were walking in the park when the brunette stopped and said, Look… a dead bird!

The blonde looked up and said, Where?

CONFIDENTIAL

Dear John:

I know you are always interested in looking for opportunities for investment.

I dont know if you would be interested in this, but I thought I would mention it to you because it could be a real sleeper in making a lot of money with very little investment.

A group of us is considering investing in a large cat ranch near Hermosillo, Mexico. It is our intention to start rather small with about one million cats. Each cat averages about twelve kittens each year; skins can be sold for about twenty cents for the white ones and up to forty cents for the black. This will give us twelve million cat skins per year to sell at an average price of around thirty-two cents, making revenue about $3 million a year. This averages out to about $10 thousand a day excluding Sundays and holidays.

A good Mexican cat man can skin about fifty cats per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will take only 633 men to operate the ranch, so the net profit would be over $8,200 per day.

Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively. Rats multiply four times faster than cats. We would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat ranch. If we started with a million rats, we will have four rats per cat per day. The rats will be fed on the carcasses of the cats we skin. This will give each rat a quarter of cat per day. You can see by this that the business is a clean operation, self-supporting, and really automatic throughout. The cats will eat the rats, and the rats will eat the cats, and we will get the skins.

Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with snakes because snakes skin themselves twice a year. This will save the labor costs of skinning the cats as well as giving us two skins per cat.

Let me know if you are interested. As you can imagine, Im rather particular whom I want in this deal. And I want the fewest investors possible.

May I hear from you at your earliest convenience.

Very truly yours,

Ray Waters

How do you fit 40

cubans into a telephone booth?

TELL THEM IT FLOATS!