Old and New Jokes

A barman is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the back door of his pub. When he answers, a dirty, scroungy-looking, homeless guy asks him for a toothpick.

The barman is a little surprised, but nonetheless he gives him the toothpick and the guy goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second homeless guy who also asks for a toothpick. He gets the toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door and a third homeless guy.

The landlord says, Dont tell me, let me guess. You want a toothpick too.

Actually no, thanks, but can I have a straw please?

The landlord is kind of confused by this but, being a goodhearted man, gives him the straw. But before the guy takes off, curiosity gets the better of the barman, so he asks the guy. Hey, your friends wanted toothpicks. .. and you wanted a straw. Whats going on?

The man replies, Oh, some drunk girl threw up outside, but all the good stuffs already gone.

En un bautizo, una joven se acercó al padre del recién bautizado.

¿Me deja acariciarlo? dijo con voz melosa, mirando al bebe.

Por supuesto, respondió el padre. Pero antes permiteme dejar por ahí al bebé.

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks every year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, thats not the punch line) to spend a week or two at this home, which happened to be in a backwoods.



On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. They had a splendid time in the country – rising early and living in the great outdoors.



Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears – a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears and sensing danger, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, however, being ignorant of nature, was not so lucky. The male bear charged the paralyzed Czechoslovakian, then swallowed him whole.



The lawyer, instilled with fright, rushed back to his car and sped into town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff, upon hearing the lawyers unsettling story, grabbed his rifle and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer following closely behind.



Sure enough, the two bears were still there. Hes in THAT one!, cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, all the while visions of lawsuits from his friends family lagged in the back of his mind. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the two bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his rifle, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.



What did you do that for!, exclaimed the lawyer, I said he was in the other one!



Exactly, replied the sheriff, Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you the Czech was in the male?

The young playboy took a blind date to an amusement park.

They went for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.



What would you like to do next? he asked.

I wanna be weighed, she said.

So the young man took her over to the weight guesser.



One-twelve, said the man at the scale, and he was absolutely right.



Next they rode the roller coaster. After that, he bought her some popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.



I wanna be weighed, she said.

I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the young man, and using the excuse he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.



The girls mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, Whats wrong, dear, didnt you have a nice time tonight?



Wousy, said the girl.

System Cant See It

Two Texas Aggies (Texas A&M…) are working a construction job installing drywall.

The more senior one notices that the junior guy is throwing away about half of the his nails, and inquires.

The junior guy tells him that the ones hes throwing out have the head on the wrong side.

You idiot! exclaims the supervisor, Dont throw those away! Those are perfectly good nails, and, pointing to the other side of the room, they just go on that wall over there.

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a
city park, until one day an angel came down from Heaven.

Youve been such exemplary statues, he announced to them, that Im going to
give you a special gift. Im going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes,
in which you can do anything you want. And with a clap of his hands, the angel
brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from
which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of
branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide
grins on their faces.

You still have fifteen more minutes, said the angel, winking knowingly.

Grinning even more widely, the female statue turned to the male statue and said,
Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and Ill shit on
its head.

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. Lets see yer fishin license, Boy! the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. Well, son, said the Game Warden, you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You dont have to run from me if you have a valid license! Yes, sir, replied the young guy, but my friend back there, well, he dont have one.

You need to have a British sense of humor (ahem – that would be humour) to fully understand this. There is an explanation of some of the terms following the joke…..


Carlos the ice-cream mans van is parked at the side of the road. Lights flashing, music playing, a big queue of excited kids stretches down the street. But theres no sign of Carlos.


A copper walking down the road wonders what is going on. Where is Carlos?, Why is he not dishing out the ice-cream?


He goes over to the van and peers over the high counter.


On the floor he spots Carlos. Hes lying very still covered in chocolate sauce, strawberry sauce, nuts, hundreds and thousands and those little jelly bits.


Get back kids, he shouts.


Moving away so the bemused kids cannot overhear him he gets on the radio to the police station.


Sarge, get someone down here quick, he stutters, Its Carlos the ice-cream man… … Hes topped himself.


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Being English myself I dont have any problems understanding this joke, but if you are not familiar with the English way of life, then you probably are not aware that we have ice-cream vans everywhere – much more than the USA, and many are run by Italians. We still have coppers (policeman) who walk the streets rather than drive around in cars, and the phrase to top oneself means to take your own life. Cor blimey – does it make sense now mate?