Old and New Jokes

Q: Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
A: So he can ho-ho-ho.

How come wrong numbers are never busy?

Do people in Australia call the rest of the world up over?

Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?

Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

Does killing time damage eternity?

Why doesnt Tarzan have a beard?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that night falls but day breaks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is it that when youre driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?

Did Noah keep his bees in archives?

Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?

Do pilots take crash-courses?

Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo.
Washingtons picture is on a quarter]

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?

How can there be self-help groups?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

How many weeks are there in a light year?

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

If athletes get athletes foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?

If Barbies so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blind people wear dark glasses, why dont deaf people wear earmuffs?

If cats and dogs didnt have fur would we still pet them?

If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?

If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?

If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

If you cant drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do the signs that say Slow Children have a picture of a running child?

Why do they call it chili if its hot?

Why do we sing Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Estaban tres borrachos conversando y uno le dice al otro:

Oye.. ¿para ti qué es más rápido?

Uno de los otros dos borrachos le contesta: Para mí lo más rápido es el rayo porque medio cae y ya está el rayo

El otro borracho dice: Para mí la luz porque medio prendes el foco y ya está la luz

Entonces los dos borrachos le preguntan al primero: ¿Y para ti? ¿Para mí lo más rápido es la diarrea, por que el otro dia me levante como un rayo, prendí el foco y ya estaba cagado…

Trabajaban en la construcción de un edificio, un estadounidense, un italiano y un tontilandés.

De almuerzo, el yanqui siempre llevaba hamburguesas, y ya estaba tan enfadado que aseguró:

Si para mañana vuelvo a encontrar hamburguesas para almorzar, me suicido tirándome del edificio.

El italiano invariablemente llevaba espagueti de almuerzo, entonces dijo lo mismo que el yanqui; al tontilandés le sucedió lo mismo con su sándwich de crema de cacahuate.

Como al siguiente día, los tres llevaron para almorzar lo mismo de siempre, los tres se suicidaron.

Ya en el velorio, las esposas de ellos se encuentran platicando:

La estadounidense, lloriqueando, dice:

Fue mi culpa, por prepararle siempre hamburguesas.

Entre suspiros, la italiana asegura:

Fue mi culpa, por siempre prepararle espagueti para el almuerzo.

Y la esposa del tontilandés, con voz entrecortada, se lamenta:

¡Ay, mi marido siempre se preparaba su almuerzo!

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. Throw out more! shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. More! he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control.

He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road whos crying. They ask him why hes crying and he says A pistol hit me on the head!

They drive more and meet another boy whos crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, A rifle hit me on the head!

They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk whos laughing hysterically. They ask him, Kid, whats so funny? The boy replies, I sneezed and a house blew up!

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldnt figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

Its a period, reported Johnnie.

Well I can see that, she said. But what is so exciting about a period.

Damned if I know, said Johnnie, but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.

Three men, an Italian, a Frenchman, and a Jew, were condemned to be executed. Their captors told them that they had the right to have a final meal before the execution. They asked the Frenchman what he wanted.

Give me the best French wine and French bread, he requested.

So they gave it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Next it was the Italians turn.

Give me a great big plate of pasta, said the Italian.

So they brought it to him, he ate it, and then they executed him. Now it was the Jews turn.

I want a big bowl of strawberries, said the Jew.

Strawberries!!! They arent even in season!

Nu, so Ill wait…

Heard this on an NPR distinguished speaker lecture this afternoon:

This Christian was thrown into the ring with a lion. Terrified, he fell
on his knees and started praying. At the same time the lion dropped down
on its knees and started praying too. The Christian, overjoyed, exclaimed,
Thank God! Another Christian! To which the lion replied, I dont know
about you, but Im saying Grace.

1. You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 telling them to sit down and shut-up.2. Grandchildren are Gods reward for not killing your children.3. Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like clearing the driveway before it has stopped snowing.4. There is only one pretty child in the world and every mother has it.5. Mothers of teens know why animals eat their young.6. I asked Mom if I was a gifted child… she said they certainly wouldnt have paid for me.7. Children are natural mimics, who act like their parents despite every effort to teach them good manners.8. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldnt have said.9. The main purpose of holding childrens parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.10. We child proofed our home 3 years ago and theyre still getting IN!11. Be nice to your kids. Theyll be choosing your nursing home.

The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportations driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?

A: What for? He cant see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?

A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, Guns dont kill people. I do.

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?

A: Your car.

Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?

A: Id probably lose my buzz a lot faster.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?

A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?

A: Make eye contact and wave hello if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?

A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?

A: Heavy psychedelics.

Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?

A: Carry loaded weapons.