Q: How many rec.humor readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: An infinitely growing number: One to announce that the bulb burned out. Ten to agree. One to change it, one to post in saying I got it, one to post in saying Yes, but they have shots for it nowadays, one to post in saying Our news software hasnt been working and I missed the original lightbulb joke. Would someone please post it again or email it to me ?, one to post in quoting everything so far and the words Me too, two to turn it into a cascade, another ten to build the cascade into a disk-wasting monster, one to post in with I dont get it. Isnt this the place for FUNNY jokes ?, one to post in after two months Whats this lightbulb joke youre all talking about ?, one to repost it a month later thinking its a new joke, one to post I didnt get it. Whats the punchline ?, one to post Has anyone got a list of these? Im starting a list, so please send me all your lightbulb jokes, and one to cross-post the joke to alt.fan.lightbulbs 6 months later prefixed by Are we allowed to tell jokes in here ? and accompanied by all of our old favourites like How many programmers…? None thats a hardware problem., three to ask, a month later, What FTP sites are the old lightbulbs archived at ?, and any number to revive the entire exchange at stochastic intervals of two to six months.
A pirate walked into a bar with a steering wheel coming out of his fly. As he walks up to the bar the bartender says, Hey pal, you know youve got a steering wheel coming out of your fly?
And the pirate says R its driving me nuts!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Harmon!
Harmon who?
Harmon on your side!
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
189. Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that youÕre afraid of aliens.
A parish got a new priest. During his first service, when a certain prayer was
said, half the congregation stood up and half remained sitting. The half that
was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing
yelled at the ones sitting to stand up.
The new priest did not know what to do. His congregation suggested to consult a
98-year-old man, who was the oldest inhabitant of the village. The priest hoped
the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual tradition was, so he
went to the old peoples home with a representative of each fraction of the
congregation.
The one whose followers stood during the prayer said to the old man, Is the
tradition to stand during this prayer?
The old man answered, No, that is not the tradition.
The one whose followers sat said gladly, Then the tradition is to sit during
this prayer!
The old man answered, No, that is not the tradition.
Then the priest said to the old man, But the congregation fight all the time,
yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand…
The old man interrupted, exclaiming, That is the tradition!
I saw my old girlfriend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger.
When I pointed this out to her, she said, I know, I married the wrong man.
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling. He asks the barman, Why are those two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?
The barman replies, Its a competition which we run every night. If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free drinks for the whole night.Great! says the man, but what if I cant reach them? Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night, the barman answers.Do you want to try?No, but thanks anyway. Why not?, asks the barman.The steaks are too high.
A keen Texas lad applied for a salesmans job at a city department store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything under the sun.
Have you ever been a salesman before? the boss asked during his interview.
Yes, I was a salesman in Texas, the lad answered.
The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could start the next day. Ill come and see how you made out after we close up, the boss said.
The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was 5 oclock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting, slumped and exhausted, in a chair. How many sales did you make today? the boss asked.
One, said the lad.
One? said the boss, obviously displeased. Most of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?
Exactly $101,334.53, said the young man.
How did you manage that? asked the boss, flabbergasted.
Well, said the lad, this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said he was going down the coast. I said hed probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he said his Honda Civic probably wouldnt be able to handle the load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a new GMC 1-ton pickup truck.
You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook? the boss asked in astonishment.
He didnt come in to buy a fish hook, the Texas boy explained. He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said to him, Your weekends shot. You might as well go fishing.
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you dont. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dogs rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dogss response to the command sit !, especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your humans attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesnt get the attention you require … especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If youre lucky, a human will love you in return.
Scenario: A bishop (B) and a rabbi (R) are sharing a train compartment. After
a short while, the two men of the cloth start relating some of their
past life experiences…
(General conversation…)
B: So tell me, rabbi, have you ever actually tasted ham?
R: Well yes, in fact. Once when I was very young and daring, I
tried it. But only the once…
(short pause)
R: So tell me bishop, have you ever … enjoyed the comforts of a
young woman?
B: Well, ahem, yes… before I took my vows, mind you, when I was
not so old and not so wise…
[another short pause]
R: Zo, its better than ham, hmm?
[Ed: If somebody hadnt sent this one out, I would have done it myself,
eventually. ]
John Henshaw