Old and New Jokes

Yo mama has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what youre saying.

Un día Pepito se presenta con su mamá mal herido, y su mamá le dice:

¡Pepito! ¿Qué te pasó?

Es que iba en la bicicleta a toda velocidad y tropecé con una piedra.

¡Pepito, tú no tienes bicicleta!

¡Ah…! Fue con los patines, iba a toda velocidad y tropecé con una piedra.

¡Pepito, tú no tienes patines!

¡Bueno! ¡Ultimadamente, el gato es mío y me lo cojo cuando yo quiera!

Im not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Our Rights: The following was written by State RepresentativeMitchell Kaye from Cobb County, GA We, the sensible people of the United States, inan attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid anymoreriots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior, and securethe blessings ofdebt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one moretime to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny,guilt-ridden, basically lazy people. We hold these truths to be self-evident: ARTICLE I: You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything. ARTICLE II: You do not have the right to never beoffended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone – not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but theworld is full of idiots, and probably always will be. ARTICLE III: You do not have the right to be freefrom harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful. Do not expectthe tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy. ARTICLE IV: You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation aftergeneration of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation ofanother generation of professional couch potatoes. ARTICLE V: You do not have the right to freehealth care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, were just notinterested in health care. ARTICLE VI: You do not have the right tophysically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone,dont be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair. ARTICLE VII: You do not have the right to thepossessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of othercitizens, dont be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a placewhere you still wont have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure. ARTICLE VIII: You dont have the right to demandthat our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. Wehate oppressive governments and wont lift a finger to stop you from going to fight ifyoud like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spendso much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and afunny hat. ARTICLE IX: You dont have the right to a job.All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times,but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocationaltraining laid before you to make yourself useful. ARTICLE X: You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness, which, bythe way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic lawscreated by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

A couple of years back, a Midland, Texas guy who was sound asleep on a rainy wet night was aroused from his slumbers by a drunk pounding on his door at 3:00 AM. His wife tells him to go answer the door so he grudgingly gets up and goes to the door.

A neighbor, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, I need a push!. The guy says, Dagnabit Georgie, its 3:00 AM. No! I cant help you. He slams the door and goes back to bed.

And his wife says, What was that all about?

The guy says, It was the Bush boy — been a drinking again too — big time. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. Its 3 oclock in the morning. Im not about to go out in the rain at this hour for that dang fool!

The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation down in the creek at Red Rock and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. George the Lesser was nowhere to be seen.

He hollered, Do you still need help? Hey Georgie, do you still need a push? Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, Yeah! I still need a push. The guy says, Well where in tarnation are you boy? The drunk responds, Im over here on the swing!

A guy walks into a store and buys six jumbo boxes of condoms. The store clerk asks the man, What do you do with all of those?
The guy replies, I taught my dog to swallow them and now he shits in little plastic baggies!

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!



If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.



If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.



If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.



If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.



If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.



If you are manic-depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press. No one will answer.



If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.



If you are phobic, dont press anything.



If you are anal retentive, please hold.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So the next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At the begining of the serman, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the vodka, dont gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and Spook
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.
10.We do not refer to the cross as the big T!
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he saidTake this and eat it, for it is my body, he did not say, Eat Me
12. The Virgin Mary is not reffered to as the Mary with the Cherry
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys

a frog with a hand grenade.

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and
girls, and would his mother, please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnnys mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door. – First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse…Johnny unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. -Ok, now take off my skirt… and he takes off her skirt. – Now take off my bra… which he does. -And now, Johnny, please take off my panties. and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says, Johnny, PLEASE dont wear any of my clothes to school any more!