Old and New Jokes

Pat: Hey, Chris! Hows your new pet fish doing? You told me he was really something special.

Chris: To tell you the truth, Im really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him tosing like a bird.

Pat: You bought a fish because you thought you could teach him to sing like a bird? I cant believe it!

Chris: Well, yeah. After all, hes a parrot fish.

Pat: I hate to tell you this, Chris, but while you might be able to teach a parrot bird to sing, youre never going to get anywhere with a parrot fish.

Chris: Thats what you think! He can sing all right. The thing is, he keeps singing off-key. Its driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?

IBM: Infinitly Better Macintosh

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, In six months Im going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am commanding you to build an Ark. And in a flash of lightning, He delivered the specifications for an Ark, Okay, said Noah, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

Six months and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. Youd better have the Ark completed, or learn to swim for a very long time.



Six months passed, the skies clouded up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping. And there was no Ark. Noah! shouted the Lord, Where is the Ark? Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best. But there were big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didnt meet code. I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system.



Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard. I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I had to convince the US Fish and Wildlife that I needed the wood to save the owls. But they wouldnt let me catch any owls. So, no owls.



The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now we have sixteen carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind.



Just when I got that suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I couldnt complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didnt take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. So I sent them a globe. Right now, Im still trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians Im supposed to hire.



The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming Im trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country. And I just got a notice from the state about owing them some kind of use tax. I really dont think I can finish the Ark for at least another five years, Noah wailed.



The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled, You mean youre not going to destroy the earth? Noah asked hopefully. No, said the Lord sadly, The government already has!

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.



Momma, look what I found, the boy called out.



What have you got there, dear? his mother asked.



With astonishment in the young boys voice, he answered: I think its Adams suit!

Darn, its good to be a man.



Your last name stays put.



The garage is all yours.



Wedding plans take care of themselves



Chocolate is just another snack.



You can be president.



You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.



Car mechanics tell you the truth.



The world is your urinal.



You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just



too



icky.



Same work, more pay.



Wrinkles add character.



Wedding dress – $5000; tux rental – $100.



People never stare at your chest when youre talking to them.



The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.



New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle your feet.



One mood, ALL the time.



Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.



You know stuff about cars and trucks.



A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.



You can open all your own jars.



You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.



If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be



your



friend.



Your underwear is $8.95 for a six-pack.



Everything on your face stays its original color.



Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.



You dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.



You never have strap problems in public.



You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.



You dont have to shave below your neck!



One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.



You can do your nails with a pocketknife.



You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.



You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45



minutes or less.



Now do you understand why men are so cheerful?

A your moma is like a pooltable, put a dollar in and shell



rack your balls.

And the angel of the Lord said unto the shepherds

Shove off, this is cattle country!

ABILENE – When two prostitutes attempted to return a call to a potential customer, they got a wrong number that landed them in jail. Taylor County deputies said the women mistakenly paged a narcotics agent last Wednesday afternoon.

They were one digit off, and they got the policeman instead of the john that they were looking to make some money from, sheriffs Sgt. Earl Donnell told the Abilene Reporter-News.

When the agent, who didnt recognize the number on his pager, returned the call he quickly realized the woman on the phone wanted to talk a little dirty business.

He said she told him that he and a friend could have two sexual acts performed for the bargain price of $40 apiece The skys the limit is what they told me, the agent said. It went a little further, and I told her Id call her back.

The agent set up taping equipment. Then, after picking up the women at a motel agents revealed their identity and arrested them. Said Donnell, Just the look on their faces was a sight to behold when they realized they had paged a police officer.

Source: Houston Chronicle

A guy walks into a psychiatrists office with a concerned look on his face.Doc, he says, Im worried. Its that dream. Im having it again!What dream? asked the psychiatrist.You know, says the man, the one where Im into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?

A man and a woman who lhave never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, Im sorry to bother you, but Im awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, Iive got a better idea . . . lets pretend were married.

Why not. the woman giggles.

Good, he replies. Get your own damn blanket.