Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck Jedi if…

Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.

You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniels.

You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok… without using the word chicken.

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.

A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.

You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.

Your master ever said My finger you will pull..hmmm?

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didnt have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever used a lightsaber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.

Your father has ever said to you, Shoot, son come on over t the dark side.. .itll be a hoot.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks cant find it.

You have a stuffed womp rat anywhere in your home.

You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.

More than half the droids you own dont function.

The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.

You wonder why Luke and Leia gave up on getting married.

You used a carbon-freezing chamber to mount the Wampa you shot while on vacation on Hoth.

Your moonshine is made on a real moon.

You dont like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.

Sandpeople back down from your mama.

Youve ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.

Youve ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.

You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.

Youve ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.

A Wookie has ever told you that you need to shave.

You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while trying to light a cigarette with your lightsaber.

You dont think the Ewoks are primitive.

You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.

You dont think Jabbas pig guards have a hygiene problem.

The Rancor monster refused to eat you.

Este era un lorito muy tirón, y todos los días se cogía a los animales de la tienda donde se encontraban, hasta que un día una señora lo decide comprar.

La señora tenía una gata, y todos los días al llegar a la casa veía a la gata toda exhausta, y decía: Ohhhh se han cogido a la gata.

Así pasó una semana, hasta que tomó al loro y le dijo: ¡Si mañana te coges a la gata te encierro en el refrigerador!

Al día siguiente la gata estaba cogida otra vez y la mujer encerró al loro en el refrigerador. Pasaron tres dias, y se acordó del loro, y cuando abre la puerta del refrigerador ve al loro todo sudado y éste le dice:

¡COÑO, ESE POLLO SI QUE TIENE EL CULO DURO!

A man walks into a bar and he has a pet octopus. He sits down at the bar and says to the bartender give us two beers over here!



The bartender walks over and sees the octopus and he says, Didnt you see the sign over there it says no pets allowed!



The man says to the bartender, oh but you dont understand this is a special octopus and he can play any musical instrument that you have.



The bartender replied back, well Ill tell you what, if he can play any instrument you can both drink for free all night!



The bartender walks up to the band playing and grabs a guitar. He puts it down on the bar.



The octopus crawls up on the bar and feels around the guitar for a little while, then finally he picks it up and starts jamming. Hes so good he sounded like Jimi Hendricks!



The bartender was amazed and says, alright lets try one more.

This time he goes into the back room and brings out a dusty old set of bagpipes and promptly put them on the bar and says lets see him play this!



The octopus starts crawling all over the bagpipes. He continues this for quite awhile.



The bartender shouted out See I knew he couldnt play all these instruments!



And the man replies, Just give him a few more minutes…

as soon as he figures out he cant have sex with it, hell play it!

Ms. Nice Guy – Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldnt have

Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,

doormat

Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly

Disadvantages: May wise up someday



Old Yeller – You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a

bitch! Cant you see youre making me miserable??

Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell

Advantages: Pays attention to you

Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans



Sickly – Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite

Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy

Advantages: Predictable

Disadvantages: Contagious



The Bosser – Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.

Change your job. Make some money. Dont give me that look.

Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes,

Mom

Advantages: Often right

Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?



Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – I just cant decide. Should I switch my career,

goals, home, and hair color?

Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw cmon Honey

Advantages: Easily soothed

Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed



Wild Woman out of Control – Ive got an idea. Lez get drunk an make love

onna front lawn. I done it before. Sfun.

Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out

Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys

Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs



Huffy – I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering

at

Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,

iceberg, Snarly

Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you

Disadvantages: You will have no friends



Woman from Mars – I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel

about our relationship

Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,

Artistic

Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable

Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud



Ms. Dreamgirl – I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my

handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love

like crazed weasels now

Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous

Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited

Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you

System Cant See It

What is mass confusion in Harlem?

Fathers Day.

The seven stages of Usenet posting:

1. Innocence

HI. I AM NEW HERE. WHY DO THEY CALL THIS TALK.BIZARRE? I THINK THAT
THIS NEWSGROUP (OOPS, NEWSFROUP — HEE, HEE) STUFF IS REAL NEAT. 🙂
[dead chicken joke deleted]

This sort of joke DOES NOT BELONG HERE! Cant you read the rules? Gene
Spafford _clearly_ states in the List of Newsgroups:

rec.humor.dead.babes Dead Baby joke swapping

Simple enough for you? Its not enough that the creature be dead, it
*must* be a baby — capeesh?

This person is clearly scum — theyre even hiding behind a pseudonym.
I mean, what kind of a name is FOO, anyway? I am writing to the
sysadmin at BAR.BITNET requesting that this persons net access be
revoked immediately. If said sysadmin does not comply, they are
obviously in on it — I will urge that their feeds cut them off
post-haste, so that they cannot spread this kind of $#!T over the net.

4. Disgust

In message (102938363617@Wumpus), James_The_Giant_Killer@Wumpus writes:

> Q: How do you fit 54 dead babies in a Tupperware bowl?

> ^L

> A: La Machine! HAHAHA!

Are you people completely devoid of imagination? Weve heard this joke
*at least* 20 times, in the past three months alone!

When we first started this newsgroup, it was dynamic and innovative. We
would trade dead baby jokes that were truly fresh; ones that no one had
heard before. Half the jokes were *completely* original to this group.
Now, all we have are hacks who want to hear themselves speak. You
people are dull as dishwater. I give up; Im unsubscribing, as of now.
You can have your stupid arguments without Me. Goodbye!

5. Resignation
In message (12345@wildebeest) wildman@wildebeest complains:

>In message (2@newsite) newby@newsite (Jim Newbs) writes:

>>How do you stuff 500 dead babies in a garbage can?

>>With a Cuisinart!

>

> ARRGGHH! We went out and created rec.humor.dead.babes.new specifically

> to keep this sort of ANCIENT jokes out! Go away and stick with

> r.h.d.b until you manage to come up with an imagination, okay?

Hey, wildman, chill out. When youve been around as long as I have,
youll come to understand that twits are a part of life on the net.
Look at it this way: at least they havent overwhelmed us yet. Most
of the jokes in rec.humor.dead.babes.new are still fresh and
interesting. We can hope that people like newby above will go lurk
until they understand the subtleties of dead baby joke creation, but we
should bear with them if they dont. Keep your cool, and dont let it
bug you.

6. Ossification

In message (6:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:

> In message (2374373@nybble), byte@nybble (J. Quatermass Public) writes:

>> In message (5:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:

>>> In message (2364821@nybble), byte@nybble (J. Quatermass Public) writes:

>>>> In message (4:00@cluck), chickenman@cluck (Cluck Kent) crows:

>>>>> Therefore, I propose the creation of rec.humor.dead.chicken.

>>>> Before they go asking for this newsgroup, I point out that they

>>>> should follow the rules. The guidelines clearly state that you

>>>> should be able to prove sufficient volume for this group. I have

>>>> heard no such volume in rec.humor.dead.babes, so I must conclude

>>>> that this proposal is a sham, and a fraud on the face of it.

>>> The last time we tried to post a dead chicken joke to r.h.d.b, we

>>> were yelled at to keep out! How DARE you accuse us of not having

>>> the volume, you TURD?

>> This sort of ad hominem attack is uncalled for. My point is simply

>> this: if there were interest in telling jokes about dead chickens,

>> then we surely would have heard some jokes about dead *baby* chickens

>> in r.h.d.b. We havent heard any such jokes, so it is obvious that

>> there is no interest in chicken jokes.

> That doesnt even make sense! Your logic is completely flawed. Think a

It should be clear to people by now that this Cluckhead is full of it.
There is no interest in rec.humor.dead.chicken, so it should not be
created.

People like this really burn me. Doesnt he realize that it will just
take a few more newsgroups to bring this whole house of cards down
around us? First, we get rec.humor.dead.chicken (and undoubtedly,
rec.humor.dead.chicken.new). Next, theyll be asking for rec.humor.ethnic.
Then, rec.humor.newfy. By that time, all of the news admins in the
world will have decided to drop us completely. Is that what you want,
Cluck? To bring about the end of Usenet? Humph!

I urge everyone to vote against this proposal. The current system
works, and we shouldnt push at it, lest it break.

7. Nostalgia

Well, theyve just created rec.humor.ethnic.newfoundland.bizarre. My,
how things have grown. It seems like such a short time ago that I
first joined this net. At the time, there were only two newsgroups
under the humorous banner: rec.humor and rec.humor.funny. Im amazed
at how things have split. Nowadays, you have to have twenty newsgroups
in your sequencer just to keep up with the *new* jokes. Ah, for the
good old days, when we could read about it all in one place…

Usually everyone who has a dog would call the dog Rover or something. I call mine Sex. Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew HOW embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 oclock in the morning. I said, I was looking for Sex.

My court case comes up next Thursday.

One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said I would like to have one too! When I said But this is a dog, he said he didnt care what she looked like. Then I said, You dont understand. Ive had Sex since I was two years old.

He replied, You must have been a strong boy.

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex.

He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.

My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, You dont understand. Sex keeps me awake at night, and the clerk said,Me too.

One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, Show off! I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.

When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married and the Judge said, Me too.

When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, Me too.

Well now Ive been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, What seems to be the trouble?

I replied, Well, Sex has died and left my life. Its like losing a best friend and its so lonely.

The doctor said, Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isnt mans best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?

Q: Why do fireflies light up while they are having sex?

A: Because they are so turned-on!

In Columbia Maryland, work is progressing on one of the most beautiful chapels Ive ever seen. Since there was no sign at the site, I stopped and asked the Superintendent what denomination it was being built for.

He said, None at the moment, a group of investors are building it on speculation.