Old and New Jokes

Q: How did Bill Clinton get a crick in his neck?
A: Trying to save both faces.

Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by hitting back.

More shots fired at Santas house
To remove the Elf with vibrating electric football set in his pants from the workshop
Unlicensed street vendor caught selling reindeer kabobs
Rudolph busted for showing what else he can make glow
Noise ordinances violated by Kathie Lees singing
Rowdy teens chasing Frosty the Snowman with a hair dryer
Deranged gingerbread man arrested after several hours on a street corner shouting Eat me!
Mrs. Claus nabbed for hooking on 9th Avenue
Send the jaws of life: the old mans got his fat ass stuck in a chimney again
Elfjacking

A beautiful young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
You have so much to live for, said the sailor. Look, Im off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. Ill take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
What are you doing here? asked the captain.
I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, she replied. He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe. Plus hes screwing me.
He certainly is, replied the captain. This is the Staten Island Ferry.

A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem.

My husband, she said, always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of me.

Is that a problem? asked the therapist.

Well, she said, the problem is he walks in his sleep!

A man staggers into the Doctors surgery and gasps: Doctor, help me! Everywhere I look I see talking mice, talking dogs, and even a talking duck! Whats wrong with me?

Doctor says reassuringly: Dont worry, youre just having Disney spells…

Seen on a parking space in a churchs parking lot in Edinburgh, IN

Clergy parking only – you park, you preach!

The teacher, brought a Venus statue in class and asks: What do you like best about it?

The artwork, says Robert.

Very good. And you, Peter?

Tits!

Peter, get out! And you, Johnny?

Im leaving, teacher, Im leaving.

Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed, all three d ied. All three noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God wanted to know three things: Who are you? What did you do? and What did people think of you?

The first person said, Im Denny Crum. I was the 2nd best coach in the nation. I won 2 national championships and won over 20 games a year and the people of Kentucky think I am great.

God said, Denny, stand to my right.

The next person said, Im John Thompson. I was the 3rd best coach in the nation. I won conference championships and made our program respectable. The people of Washington DC think I am great.

God said, John, stand on my left side.

The third person stood before God and said, Im Bobby Knight. I have won three national championships, two NIT championships, the Pan Am games, the Olympics, nine Big Ten championships, the youngest coach ever to win 600 games and the people of Indiana think you are sitting in my chair.

When he tells you your wifes hair smells nice.