01. I can see your point, but youre still full of crap.
02. I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronouce.
03. I see youve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.
05. Ahh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
11. This isnt and office. Its Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for whats behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
And heres a bonus funny from: Siglets.com
Sometimes … when you cry … no one sees your tears …
Sometimes…when you are worried….no one sees your pain…
Sometimes … when you are happy … no one sees your smile …
But fart just one time…
A lady walked into a convenience store and asked the clerk for a pint of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk told the lady Miss, we are all out of chocolate ice cream.
The lady says Oh, okay. Give me a quart of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk says Miss, I just told you we are all out of chocolate ice cream.
The lady says Oh, okay. Give me a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.
The clerk had finally had it. He said Miss, can you spell the van in vanilla?
The lady looked puzzled but answered Yes, v a n.
The clerk said, Very good. Now can you spell the straw in strawberry?
The lady still looked puzzled but answered Yes, s t r a w.
The clerk said, Very good. Now can you spell the fuck in chocolate?
The lady answered, There aint no fuck in chocolate.
The clerk replied, Thats what Iv been trying to tell you!
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
195. Talk on the phone in gibberish. Use a high-pitched, squeaky tone.
Q: How can you tell if another blondes been using the computer?
A: Theres writing on the white-out.
There were four nuns, who had been together in the same convent all of their
adult years, all having become nuns immediately after leaving high school. Now
in their mid forties, these nuns began to discuss how much of real life they
had missed, and how limited had been their experiences in the real world.
Finally they conceived a plan, to correct this lack of experience, before their
looks were entirely gone. They pooled such savings as they had, borrowed money
from relatives, and all four went on a long weekend junket flight to that ever
popular, world capital of sin, Las Vegas.
As soon as they hit Vegas, the four nuns ditched their habits, and did the
rounds of all the beauty shops, the boutiques, and the shopping malls. All
dolled up, made up, and ready to go, they spent the entire weekend out on the
town in Vegas, having a marvelous time, and catching the red-eye back home
Sunday night.
Monday morning they went to their parish priest, and asked him if he could
hear their confessions that morning, to which the priest replied, Certainly
sisters, just line up here outside the confessional, and Ill hear your
confessions one at a time.
The first nun entered the confessional, beginning her confession as usual,
and then told the priest about her trip to Vegas…
Father, I have gambled, I have drunk spirits, I have smoked, and I
had a wonderful time. I also touched a mans penis with my left hand.
The priest nearly had heart failure, but slowly he composed himself, and
said to the nun…
Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Marys, perform
one act of charity, and dip your left hand in the Holy Water, and you shall be
forgiven.
With that, the first nun left, and second nun entered…
Father, forgive me, for I have sinned. I have partaken of alcohol,
I have worn make-up, I have used tobacco, and in general I had a terrific time.
Also, I touched a mans penis with my right hand.
The priest was nearly catatonic with this news, but as he recovered, he told
the nun…
Sister, if you are truly repentant, say three Hail Marys, perform
two acts of charity, and dip your right hand in the Holy Water, and you shall
be forgiven.
The second nun left, and all of a sudden, all hell broke loose outside the
confessional. The priest opened the door to see the last two nuns fighting,
wrestling on the floor, and destroying their clothes and the church in the
process. The priest shouted at them to stop, saying…
In Heavens name, stop this, you are sisters! There is no need to
fight like this, over anything. I will hear your confessions equally, please
stop this!
One nun was sitting astride the other, throttling the nun on the bottom with
one hand, and hitting her with the other. She stopped in mid swing and said…
Listen Father,… If you think Im gonna gargle with that Holy
Water, after shes sat in it, youve got another damn think coming!
AS THEY GET OLD…
– Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
– Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
– Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
– Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
– Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
– Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
– Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
– Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
– Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
– Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
– Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
– Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
– Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
– Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
– Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
– Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
– Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
– Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
– Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
– Old garagemen never die, they just retire.
– Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
– Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
– Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
– Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
– Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
– Old investors never die, they just roll over.
– Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
– Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.
– Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
– Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
– Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
– Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
– Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
– Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…
– Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
– Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
– Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
– Old owls never die, they just dont give a hoot.
– Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
– Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.
– Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
– Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
– Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
– Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….
– Old printers never die, theyre just not the type.
– Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
– Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
– Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
– Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
– Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
– Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
– Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
– Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
– Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.
– Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.
– Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
– Old students never die, they just get degraded.
– Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
– Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
– Walt Disney didnt die. Hes in suspended animation.
– Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
– Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
I think of you as a sister.
(Youre ugly.)
Theres a slight difference in our ages.
(Youre ugly.)
Im not attracted to you in that way.
(Youre ugly.)
My life is too complicated right now.
(Youre ugly.)
Ive got a girlfriend.
(Youre ugly.)
I dont date women where I work.
(Youre ugly.)
Its not you, its me.
(Youre ugly.)
Im concentrating on my career.
(Youre ugly.)
Im celibate.
(Youre ugly.)
… and the number 1 rejection line given by men
Lets be friends.
(Youre sinfully ugly.)
It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl.
After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?
He answered, Youve got to keep that old motor running.
The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, You really are amazing. How do you do it?
He again said, Youve got to keep the old motor running.
The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, You must be quite a man.
He responded, Youve got to keep that old motor running.
The nurse then said, Well, you had better change the oil, this ones black!
Forrest Gump dies and goes to heaven.
The gatekeeper at the gate to heaven says, There are too many people in heaven so you have to pass this quiz to get in.
Forrest Gump says, Okay.
The gatekeeper says, First question: What two days of the week begin with T?
Gump replies, Thats easy. Today and tommorrow.
The gatekeeper says, Well, I didnt think of that so Ill give it to you.
Second question: How many seconds are in a year?
Gump says, 12, January 2nd, February 2nd…
The gatekeeper says, That wasnt what I was thinking, but Ill give it to you.
Last question: What is Gods first name?
Gump replies, Howard.
The gatekeeper says, How on earth did you get Howard?
Gump says, Its common sense. Our father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name.
YOUR DELETE KEY
Thank you for using the Delete Key. The Delete Key is an amazing new technology available to all computer users. It is simple, effective, and very user-friendly. If this is your first time using the Delete Key, we urge you to read the entire contents of this manual. Please do not delete this manual. This may cause you to use the delete key in a reckless or insufficient manner.
INTRODUCTION
The Delete Key provides a keyboard based, fully manual method for the removal of information. Furthermore, use of the Delete Key in conjunction with the small amount of brain matter you have left may induce a tingling sensation of pleasure.
Failure to use the Delete Key may result in aggravation, humiliation, and knee-jerk reactionism. This manual will help you locate and implement a full Delete Key pressing method to ensure your peace of mind remains unaltered.
LOCATING THE DELETE KEY
Lift your hands off the key board.
Scan the keys for a key labeled Delete
Make note of this location as it will come in handy later.
USING THE DELETE KEY
Locate something on your computer you wish to delete. Files, text, e-mail messages, and vital operating system components are all delete-enabled items.
Select the item using your mouse or other selection device.
Lift you hands off the keyboard and using one of you fingers, depress the key labeled Delete.
The offending material has now been removed from your sight.
WARNING
Some systems may require confirmation of your Delete- based system. If this is the case, make sure to agree to the deletion. Otherwise you may become reburdened with the offensive or unwanted material.
WHAT SHOULD I DELETE
Anything that might bring you unhappiness. In this New Economy, semi-lucid hyper-cyber-superhighway world, you need the unending power of a Delete key. Not only is is easy to implement, it offers tremendous Return On Investment (ROI). Consider this scenario:
Helga Gumpwetter has three text files. In the first file are instructions for making a nuclear bomb. The other two contain funny jokes about pumpkins. Because Helga deleted the nuclear bomb message and read the pumpkin jokes, she lacked the ability to nuke her ex-boyfriend, thus saving all of King County Washington. Talk about some serious ROI!
(Written by Al Girard)