Two lawyers met at a cocktail party late one night.
How’s business? asked the first.
Rotten, replied the other. Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there were already two other lawyer hanging on to the bumper.
Q: How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.
Why dont chicken wear underpants?
Because their peckers on their face!
Un indio se iba a casar con una chica blanca que casualmente se llamaba también Blanca. Por la diferencia de razas, la madre le dice a su hija: No te puedes casar con ese indio.
Y la hija le responde: Pero si yo lo amo, y el tambien me ama y nos vamos a casar.
La madre le dice: si él de verdad te ama, dile que te compre todas las tierras del norte
y las ponga a tu nombre…
La hija llorando va a contárselo al indio y le dice: Mi madre dice que para poder casarnos debes comprarme las tierras del norte y ponerlas a mi nombre.
El indio le contesta: Yo amar a Blanca… poder comprar tierras del norte y ponerlas a tu nombre.
Blanca va y le dice a su madre: El indio me compró las tierras del norte, ahora sà nos vamos a casar…
Aún no, si ese indio te ama de verdad dile que también te compre las tierras del sur y las ponga a tu nombre.
La chica le cuenta al indio y el indio le dice: Yo amar a Blanca, poder comprar
tierras del sur.
La chica va contenta y le cuenta a su madre y la señora muy desesperada, sin saber que hacer para impedir que se casen, le dice: si en verdad te quieres casar con ese indio, su pene debe medir medio metro…
Y la chica llorando le dice: pero madre nadie en el mundo la tiene de ese tamaño, y su madre le responde: ¡entonces no te casas!
La chica va y con mucha pena le cuenta al indio: Mi madre dice que para casarnos tu pene
debe medir ¡MEDIO METRO!
El indio se queda pensando mucho tiempo… y finalmente le dice:
Yo amar a Blanca… ¡PODER CORTARME UN PEDAZO!
Jesus loves you… everyone else thinks youre an asshole.
Two bats were out one night looking for blood, but after a few hours of unsuccessful huntingthey decided to go home.In the wee hours of the morning, one of the bats was so hungry he had to go out hunting again.An hour later he came back all covered in blood.
Where did you get that blood ?said the other bat, full of enevy.
Come and Ill show you.So out they went into the night.
See that tree over there?said the bat covered in blood.
Yeah.
Well I didnt!
Una pareja de cubanitos va a casarse en una semana.
El cubanito dice: Oye chica, ya eh tiempo de que me permitah un brinquito, chica, estoy que me muero.
A lo que la chica contesta: Ya, chico. No insistah que sólo faltan 7 dias.
Dos dÃas después el cubanito insiste: Mira, mi ñiña. Sólo faltan cinco diitah, por favor, echemoh un brinquito, chica.
No, chico, no. Solo faltan 5 dÃah.
Por favor, chica, por lo menoh una tocadita, anda deja tocarte.
No chico, no. Son solo 5 dÃah.
Dos dÃas antes de la boda, ni modo que el cubanito se resigne: ¡Anda chica, ya estamoh prácticamente casadoh mi alma! Anda, una tocadita, aunque sea.
A lo que la chica responde: Ay mi negro, deverah que quiero, pero no chico, aguanta…
El cubano interrumpiendo le dice: Mira chica, aunque sea sólo verte, deja verte… anda… o una olidita, nomah, ¡eso! una olidita nomah…
A lo que ella dice: Ok, chico, ok. Pero sólo una olidita, ¿eh? y ya nomah.
El negrito se acerca, cerrando los ojos huele un par de veces y con cara extrañada, exclama:
¡Oye chica! ¿y tu creeh que esto dure para pasado mañana?
Whats six inches long and guaranteed to give British Jewish women pleasure?
A ten pound note
Two new additions to the periodic table of elements
Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (dont even go there)
Physical properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts when treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.
Chemical properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses Strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.
Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.
Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands!
Element Name: MANIUM
Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct Electricity as easily as younger samples.
Chemical properties: Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.
Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.
Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
A programmer died after leading a rather quit life. This guy was lucky, he got a choice between going to heaven or hell.
So he went on a tour of heaven with St. Peter. All around him people was singing and clapping hands or just leading a mild, peacefull existence. Mmm, this aint bad, thought the programmer. But what does hell look like?, he wondered.
Satan took him on a personal tour of Hell. They went to a bar with beautiful girls who did everything you asked with a smile. You didnt have to pay for anything, and It was situeted in a tropical paradise. Now THIS I could go for.
The programmer chose hell. The moment he set foot there, 4 ugly demons grabbed him and carried him off to a huge fire. Everything smelled fould and diseased, and there wasnt a sign of the tropical paradise he visited on the tour. So he asked Satan about it.
Laughing evilly, Satan replied That was the _demo_, man.