Old and New Jokes

Q: Why does Chelsea look so stupid and ugly?
A: Heredity.

President Bush, Dan Quayle, Ross Perot, and Bill Clinton all traveled together to see the Wizard of Oz. Upon arrival, they were brought to see him.

First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart. So the Wizard said, So be it.

Second was Dan Quayle. He told the Wizard, People think Im unintelligent and have no common sense whatsoever. I want a brain. The Wizard said, So be it.

Third to ask the Wizard was Ross Perot. People say I have no confidence, and I lack conviction. I wish to have some courage. The Wizard granted this wish as well.

And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at him and said, Well, what do you want? To which Clinton replied, Im here for Dorothy!

If you cannot fix it, feature it.

Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.

How do you know when an [ethnic] girl has her period?

One of her socks is missing.

[Ed: This is one of those ones that I never liked, but people keep sending
me versions of it with great regularity. I hope posting this makes them
stop. On the other hand, I still get Mouse Balls and Agnostic Dyslexics
at least once a week.]

In the beginning was the Plan

And then came the Assumptions

And the Assumptions were without form

And the Plan was completely without substance

And the Darkness was on the faces of the Employees

And they spoke unto their Supervisors saying

Its a Crock of Shit and it Stinketh!

And the Supervisors went unto their Department Heads and sayeth

Its a Pail of Dung, and none may abide the Odor thereof.

And the Department Heads went unto their Managers, and sayeth
unto them

It is a Container of Excrement, and it is very strong, such that
none may abide by it.

And the Managers went unto their Director and sayeth

It is a Vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its Strength.

And the Director went unto the Vice President and sayeth

It contains that which aids Plant Growth, and it is very Strong.

And the Vice President went to the Executive Vice President and
sayeth

It promoteth Growth, and it is very Powerful.

And the Executive Vice President went to the President and sayeth

This Powerful New Plan will actively promote the Growth and
Efficiency of the System.

And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was Good

And the Plan became Policy

The boy just takes the girlfriend back to her home after being out together,
and when they reach the front door he leans with one hand on the wall and
says to her, Sweetie, why dont you give me a blowjob?

What? Youre crazy!

Dont worry, it will be quick, no problem.

No! Someone may see; a relative, a neighbor…

At this time of the night no one will show up…

Ive already said no, and no!

Honey, its just a small blowie… I know you like it too.

No! Ive said no!

My love… dont be like that…

At this moment the younger sister shows up at the door in nightgown with her
hair totally in disorder, rubbing her eyes and says, Dad says either you
have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he will come down and give the guy
a blowjob himself, but for Gods sake to tell your boyfriend to take his
hand off the intercom!

A blonde, a brunette, and a man are driving in their pick-up truck. The brunette was sitting up front with the man and the blonde was in the back. While driving across a bridge the man lost control of the truck and drove over the side of the bridge. After the truck had sunk, the man and brunette fought their way out of the cab and surfaced. A couple of minutes later the blonde came out of the water, panting and breathless. Where have you been? asked the man. I cant believe you left me down there! I couldnt get the tailgate open!

Following the assault of a young woman, the police rounded up the usual suspects for a lineup.

Suddenly, the Polish suspect stepped forward and screamed Thats her!!

Q: What is the similarity between lightning and a violists fingers?

A: They both never strike the same place twice.