Yo mama has 4 eyes and 2 pair of sunglasses.
21
May
21
May
Youve ever called education a luxury.
21
May
This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined.
She arranges an appointment and goes the following day. The husband, while at work receives a call from the doctor.
Doctor: I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina… Husband: Yeah, I know, shes also got a nice pair of tits too!
21
May
A woman and her husband decided to go on a skiing trip one weekend. They rode the ski lift to the top of the mountain, and were preparing to go down. The woman suddenly announced that she needed to use the restroom, and NOW. Her husband told her that since the coast was clear, she could just hide behind a tree and go.
Well, the woman had her pants down around her ankles when she suddenly began going down the mountain. She hit a tree on the way down and broke her leg and her arm and had several other bumps and bruises.
When she awoke at the hospital, she was surprised to see another man who was dressed in a skiing outfit and also looked as if he had been in a skiing accident. The woman was very curious about this man, so she asked him what happen.
Youll never believe it, he told her. I was just skiing down the mountain, and a woman went by with her pants around her ankles, and I crashed into a bush.
21
May
A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery. Fire engines from all around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning oil and gas. Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and now they all just sat wondering what to do.
Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance. It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire. The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire.
The next dat at an awards ceremony for the 6 heoic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.
What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?, asked the Governor.
Well, replied the old fire chief, the first thing were gonna do with it is fix the brakes on that old truck!
21
May
You might be a redneck if…
Your wifes best shoes have steel toes.
21
May
Heard this from a friend:
A middle-class man decides to go off and join a monastery which
requires an oath of silence. No speech is allowed except for
two words every 5 years, to sum up ones experiences to the head
monk.
After the first 5 years, the monk asked him what two words described
his experiences and all he said was HARD BEDS.
When the next 5 year period came, the monk asked how things were
and he replied BAD FOOD.
After 5 more years, he walked up to the monk and said, I QUIT!
The monk nodded and muttered Yes, this doesnt surprise me.
Youve been doing nothing but complaining for the past 15 years!
[Ed: Reportedly part of Gary Mulederes act.]
21
May
Q. How many bouncers does it take to throw someone down the stairs?
A. None! He fell.
21
May
A kangaroo mom with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mom, These sleepovers are killing me!
21
May
The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin…
"Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.
We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that arent expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper."