Old and New Jokes

Q: How many republicans does it take to raise your taxes?
A: None. The democrats do that.

Twas the Month after Chanukah



Twas the month after Chanukah, and all through the house

Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies Id nibble, the latkas Id taste

At Chanukah parties had gone to my waist.



When I got on the scales there arose such a number!

When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

Id remember the marvelous meals Id prepared

The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared,



The wine or the egg creams, the bread and the cheese

and the way Id never said, No thank you, please.

As I dressed myself in my husbands old shirt

and prepared once again to do battle with dirt—



I said to myself, as only I can

You cant spend the winter disguised as a man!

So… away with the last of the sour cream dip,

Get rid of all chocolate, each cracker and chip



Every last bit of food that I like must be banished

Till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I wont have a cookie–not even a lick.

Ill want to chew only a long celery stick.



I wont have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie,

Ill munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

Im hungry, Im lonesome, and life is a bore—

But isnt that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!

This man could not get his daughter to scream. She would not even scream when she was mad. So a man put a poster outside of his house that said, If you can make my daughter scream you will get $5,000! A white man, a black man, and a chianeese man went to the house and took a shot at it.The white man went in, and the father heard no scream. The black man went in, and the father heard no scream again. So the chianeese man went in, and the father heard the loudest scream he had ever heard. The fater said, My daughter never screams. How did you make her scream? The chianeese man said, Me chianeese me play trick me put hot sauce on my dick

A teacher asked one of her pupils, Whats the nations capital?

The reply was, Washington DC

On being asked what the DC stood for, the pupil added, Dot com!

How to satisfy a woman every time:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humour, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, dick, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, dont care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, buy, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship … and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How to satisfy a man every time:

Show up naked … with beer.

The story behind this joke:… Theres this nutball who digs things out his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare time!

Paleoanthropology Division

Smithsonian Institute

207 Pennsylvania Avenue

Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:

Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled 211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull.

We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination, and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it represents conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago. Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the Malibu Barbie.

It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the skull is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

B. Clams dont have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and partly due to carbon datings notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundations Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name Australopithecus spiff-arino. Speaking personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didnt really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our nations capital that you proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe

Curator, Antiquities

Hodgee comes to the United States from India, and hes only here a few months when he becomes very ill. He goes to doctor after doctor, but none of them can help him. Finally, he goes to an Indian doctor.

The doctor says, Take dis bucket, go into de other room, shit in de bucket, piss on de shit, and then put your head down over de bucket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.

Hodgee takes the bucket, goes into the other room, shits in the bucket, pisses on the shit, bends over, and breathes in the fumes for ten minutes.

Then he comes back to the doctor and says, It worked. I feel terrific. What was it?

The doctor says, You were homesick.

A man went to his lawyer and said, I would like to make Out a will but I dont know exactly how to go about it.

The lawyer said, No problem, leave it all to me.

The man looked somewhat upset and said, Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!

Theres a funeral procession of a sardar going on a busy street. All the sardars in the mayyat are dancing the bhangra and singing and general balle balle is on.
The people on the street find it strange that instead of mourning everyone is celebrating as if its a marriage baraat.
So one of them asks Santa Singh,
Singh saab, aapka koi sage wala gujar gaya hai aur aap naach rahe ho?
….. comes the reply,
Haan ji ! Hai hi baat badi khushi ki !!! Aaj paheli baar ek sardar *brain* tumour se mara hai !!!!

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.

The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed.

Mr. Smith, youre going to be just fine, the nun said while patting his hand.

We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?

No, Im not, the man whispered hoarsely.

Can you pay in cash?

Im afraid I cant, Sister.

Do you have any close relatives, then?

Just my sister in New Mexico, replied, but shes a spinster nun.

Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith, the nun replied. They are married to God.

Okay, the man said with a smile, then bill my brother-in-law.