Una maestra mexicana fanática de las chivas pregunta a sus alumnos quien le va a las chivas y todos los niños por miedo levantan la mano, menos Pepito.
La maestra le pregunta: ¿Tú a quien le vas, Pepito?
Al América.
¿Por qué?
Porque mi papá le va al América, mi mamá también y toda mi familia también.
Y si tu papá fuera un homosexual, tu mamá una prostituta y toda tu familia fueran rateros, ¿tú que serÃas?
Y Pepito responde:
¡Seguramente chivista!
An elderly man by the name of Mr. MacIntosh was laying on his deathbed, with his son at his bedside.
The old man said suddenly, Its time! Send for the Minister.
The dying man said, The Minister! Dad, I think you mean the priest. We are devout Catholics.
Get the Minister! Get the Minister! the dying man repeated agitatedly.
Dad, your illness must be affecting your mind, the son replied, patting his father on the shoulder. I will call the priest.
The old man insisted, If you have ANY love for your father, you will do as I have asked.
So, reluctantly, the son did his fathers bidding, and soon thereafter, the Minister arrived and converted the old man to the Protestant faith. Moments later, the parish priest knocked on the door.
The son said, Father, I am afraid you are too late. The Minister has already been here.
The priest rushed over to the old mans beside and he asked in dismay, HOW could you do it? WHY did you do it?
The old man looked up and replied, Well, Father, I figured that if someone had to die, better one of them than one of us.
Ah, yes divorce…from the Latin word meaning to rip out a mans genitals through his wallet. – Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. – Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. – Billy Crystal
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, My God, youre right! I never wouldve thought of that! – Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. – Jay Leno
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to womens breasts? – Jay Leno
We have women in the military, but they dont put us in the front lines. They dont know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms. – Elayne Boosler
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. – Phyllis Diller
Theres a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So, whats the problem? – Jay Leno
When the sun comes up, I have morals again. – Elayne Boosler
Theres very little advice in mens magazines, because men dont think theres a lot they dont know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, I know what Im doing, just show me somebody naked. – Jerry Seinfeld
If you cant beat them, arrange to have them beaten. – George Carlin
Instead of getting married again, Im going to find a woman I dont like and give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard
The problem with the designated driver program, its not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. – Jeff Foxworthy
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. – Robin Williams
Yo mama so dumb, she saw a yellow bus full of white kids and thought it was a twinkie
Q: There was a blonde and a brunette on a cliff they had to jump to get down who do you think got down first?
A: The brunette, because the blonde had to stop and ask for directions and fix her makeup.
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, Do you think Ill find Big Bird in here?
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, Do you think Ill find the Cookie Monster down there?
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, Do you think Ill hear Barney in there?
Oh, no! the little girl replied. Jesus is in my heart.
Barneys on my underpants.
A man goes to Fredericks of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit.
This is $200, she says.
I want one thats more sheer, says he.
This one is $350.
I want it even more sheer than that.
This one is the most sheer that we have. Its $500.
Ill take it!
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, Go put this on and come down to model it for me.
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, This thing is so see through that the old coot wont even notice if Im wearing it or not.
So his wife comes down, wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose.
So, how do you like it? she says.
Damn, youd think for $500, theyd at least iron the damn thing!
A woman was pulled over by West Virginia State Highway Patrolmen, for speeding.
When the officer approaches the car, the is hoping to get out of the ticket, so she asks, So can I buy tickets to the west virgina highway patrols ball?
The officer answers Maam, west virginia highway patrol men dont have balls.
Suffice to say, the woman did not get a ticket.
A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. Show the lady your finest mink! the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.
No problem! Ill write you a check!
Very good, sir. says the shop owner. Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.
So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, How dare you show your face in here?! There wasnt a single penny in your checking account!!
I just had to come by, grinned the guy, to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you dont work enough, youre a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, its exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, its favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, its equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, its sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, its male indifference.
If you cry, youre a wimp.
If you dont, youre insensitive.
If you make a decision without consulting her, youre a chauvinist pig, you bastard.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, shes a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesnt enjoy, thats domination.
If she asks you, its a favor.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, youre vain.
If you dont, youre a slob.
If you buy her flowers, youre after something.
If you dont, youre not thoughtful.
If youre proud of your achievements, youre an egotist.
If youre not, youre not ambitious.
If she has a headache, shes tired.
If you have a headache, you dont love her anymore, and you must be sleeping around.