Lempi took a job with Odovero Construction to paint lines on M28. The first day he painted ten miles. The boss was very impressed.
The second day he painted two miles. The boss was a little disappointed. The third day he only painted 500 feet.
The boss sat him down and said, Lempi, how come you paint ten miles the first day, two miles the next day, but only 500 feet today?.
Lempi replied, Well boss, each day I get farther and farther away from the paint can.
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, How do you spell dumb?
Darla says, D-u-m-b, dumb.
The teacher says, Very good, now use it in a sentence.
She says, Buckwheat is dumb.
The teacher says, Now spell stupid.
Darla says, S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid.
The teacher says, Very good, now use it in a sentence.
Darla says, Buckwheat is stupid.
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, Buckwheat, spell dictate.
Buckwheat stands and says, D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.
The teacher says, Very good, now use it in a sentence.
I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!
En una clase mixta el maestro pregunta a sus alumnos qué quieren hacer de mayores:
Dime, Roberto.
Ingeniero, señor. ¿Y tú, Carlos?
Fontanero.
¿Clara, y tú?
Yo quiero ser mamá. Muy bien, Clara, ¿y tú, Jaimito?
Yo… ¡yo quiero ayudar a Clara a que sea mamá!
NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose.
If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go out, they will affectionately call each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.
EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though its only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesnt want.
BATHROOMS
A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
The average number of items in the typical womans bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women arent looking, men kick cats.
FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt.
A man marries a woman expecting that she wont change and she does.
DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. Theres no use in two people remembering the same thing.
Blonde: Hold on I have to go to the bathroom!
Brunette: Ok I will be at the Ice cream stand!
Blonde: Ok I will be right there!
30 Minutes Later
Brunette:Hey are you still in here?
Blonde: Oh thank goodness you came back!I have to go really bad and there was no one in here that would unzip my dress zipper so that I could go!
Brunette: Hahaha! You idiot… Just pull it up!
Two weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, ‘I slept with your mother!’
The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do.
The first again yells, ‘I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!’
The other says: ‘Go home dad, you’re drunk.’
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
A: Because all those men already have boyfriends.
1.)Lets watch Lifetime!
2.)Sex is overrated.
3.)I dont want to go too far on the 4.)first date.
5.)Yes, I did notice your sisters breasts are bigger than yours.
6.)There is nothing I like better than crawling into bed with a good book.
7.)Im glad I dont have a large penis.
8.)My hips are too big.
Aw, cant we watch Oprah?
9.)Does this suit make me look fat?
10.)Ill never get tired listening to Celine Dion.
What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.