A construction worker came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So he dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vise. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw.
The man, terrified, screamed, Stop! Stop! Youre not going to…to…cut it off, are you???!?
The husband said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, Nope. You are. Im going to set the garage on fire.
An Eskimo has his snowmobile breakdown while riding past a small town in Alaska. He takes it to the repair shop and is told to come back in about an hour.
When he come back, the mechanic say It looks like you have blown a seal
The Eskimo says No, thats just a little frost on my moustache.
A blonde goes to a doctor and
tells that both his ears are burnt. Sit down and tell me how it
happened, said the doctor.
Well, I was ironing my clothes, when I received a call and instead of
picking the phone I picked up the iron and burnt my ear.
But thats one ear what about the other?
The sucker called again!!
10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctors office include, Take a left when you enter the trailer park.
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is Gus from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is An apple a day.
5. Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. Your Prozac comes in different colors with little Ms on them.
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.
Your momma is so fat . . .
She fell in love and broke it.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Diploma!
Diploma who?
Diploma to fix the leak!
When a lie fails, the truth saves what remained.
The next generation embeddable scripting language for the web!
JehovaScript (JS) is a powerful language with many advantages over
current scripting systems. Its features include active alerts, a
miracle system and error-collection. Rather than being defined as
DOM-compliant, object-oriented or nth-generation, JS is
Buzzword-Compliant, so your place at the forefront of technology is
guaranteed regardless of trend-changes in the world of computing.
Main features
Miracles
Each run of a JS program is entitled to three miracles. This allows
you to deal gracefully with unexpected problems: you can create the
needed RAM if memory allocation fails, or temporarily change the
users browser if the current browser does not support a certain
feature of the language.
Polymorphic constants
Rather than create specialized logic for different situations, you can
change the interpreters beliefs about constants. For example, the OS
usually signals errors by non-zero return values, while normal
programming logic relies on non-zero values for success. Instead of
clumsy constructs like:
err = OpenFile(…);
if (err != 0) …
You can write
believe(0 != 0);
// the interpreter will take care of the complementary assignment,
// since you cant have everything equal to everything
if (OpenFile(…)) …
A powerful alert system
Some users just dont give a hoot about those angry alert-boxes that
you put up. JS provides unrivaled UI elements for coercing the user to
cooperate, going all the way from text alerts to fire and brimstone
showers.
var nTimes = 0;
function submitForm() {
if (! parseInt(document.form1.field1)) {
nTimes++;
if (nTimes < 3)
alert(Please enter a number);
else
strikeByLightning(k200Volts);
}
}
Error collection
This is a unique model of exception handling: rather than setting
handlers for individual errors, 1 in every 365 program cycles is
dedicated to collecting fatal errors and resetting shared resources.
Prayers
You can actively set preconditions via the prayer mechanism:
function average(inArray) {
var sum = 0;
for (i = 0; i < inArray.length; i++)
sum += inArray[i];
pray(inArray.length != 0);
return (sum / inArray.length); // will never fail for a righteous user
}
Data Blessing
JS allows you to bless variables. This is very different from Perls
blessing, and in a way takes more after Perls notion of data
tainting. Blessed variables are never equal to zero, never involved
in runtime errors and never participate in situations that trigger
alerts.
Ladies – Dont throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women – Leftover wine?? Hello!!Ladies – Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women – Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who the hell cares!Ladies – Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women – Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Petes sake. You are probably lying on your ass on the couch, with your feet up anyway.Ladies – To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women – Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you dont have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.Ladies – When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there wont be any white powdery mess on the bottom of the cake.
Real Women – Go to the bakery – theyll even decorate the son of a bitch for you.Ladies – Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women – Sara Lee frozen freakin pie directions do not include brushing egg whites, so dont do it.Ladies – If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women – Go ask the very HOT neighbor guy to do it.And finally the most important tip….A good friend will come and bail you out of jail……. but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, Damn… that was fun!!
Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means Stop, wrong hole.