Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but hell break ten bulbs before figuring out that they cant just be pushed in.
11
May
11
May
Sign in restaurant window: Eat now – Pay waiter.
11
May
Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?
A: (Bush) None. (Bush in an earnest lap dog voice) I resent that question. Ive answered it before, and I think the media are keeping this thing alive. I think the American people are tired of light bulb jokes.
11
May
Estando Pepito en la escuela, la maestra comienza a preguntar a los estudiantes qué estaban construyendo cerca de su casa, pero antes les dice a las niñas que cuando le preguntara a Pepito salieran corriendo cuando ella aplaudiera, porque Pepito era muy majadero.
La maestra comienza a preguntarle a los alumnos, A ver Juanito, ¿qué están construyendo cerca de tu casa?
A lo que contesta Juanito un Centro Comercial, maestra
Muy bien, replica la maestra, y como ya les habÃa preguntado a todos los alumnos, le toca el turno a Pepito:
¿Qué estan construyendo cerca de tu casa Pepito?
Y Pepito contesta, Un cabaret maestra.
En eso la maestra empieza a aplaudir y todas las niñas salen corriendo, y Pepito les grita, ¡¡Esperen pinches putas, todavÃa no lo inauguran!!
11
May
Why was Moses wandering through the desert for 40 years?
Because men refuse to ask for directions!
Whats the fastest way to a mans heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What is the worst part of a mans body?
His penis because it has a head with no brains, hangs out with two nuts and lives around the corner from an asshole.
When is a man as smart as a woman
When he is plugged in to one.
How come men never sink in water?
Shit floats.
Why did the man cross the road?
Because there were no women on his side.
Why are men like blenders?
You need one, but youre not quite sure why.
What is the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs dont turn into men when they drink.
Why dont men ever get MAD COW DISEASE?
Because men are all PIGS.
WHY IS FOOD BETTER THEN MEN ?
YOU DONT HAVE TO WAIT AN HOUR FOR SECONDS!
WHY ARE MEN LIKE POPCORN ?
THEY SATIFY YOU BUT ONLY FOR A WHILE !
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Let the bitch do the ironing in the dark.
How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows; they never get the house
What does a beer bottle and a guy have in common?
There both empty from the neck up.
why did the man get fired from the Orange Juice factory?
he wasnt concentrating
Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?
Because God made man the perfect asshole.
What do men and linoleum have in common?
Lay them right and you can walk all over them the rest of your life.
What do men and microwaves have in common?
Theyre both done in 30 seconds.
Whats a mans idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging
How can you tell if a man is well hung?
If you cant get your finger between the rope and his neck!!!!
How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his feet.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Its kinda cute, but can it pick up peanuts?
Whats the diff. between Bigfoot and an honest man?
Bigfoot has been sighted!
Why are all dumb Blond jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
What is the difference between government bonds and men?
Government bonds mature.
Whats a mans idea of helping with house work?
lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
Whats the difference between man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.
What did God say when he created man?
I can do better than this.
How do men define a 50/50 relationship?
They cook, we eat. They clean, we dirty. They iron, we wrinkle
How do men exercise at the beach?
Everytime they see a bikini, they suck their belly in.
What does a man concider a seven corse meal to be?
A hot dog and a 6 pack.
Why are men like noodles?
they are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they are always in need of dough.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
because if the crew gets lost, at least the woman will ask for directions.
11
May
If there isnt a law, there will be.
11
May
When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.When you are counting objects, you go 0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D….When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.When your wife says If you dont turn off that damn machine and come to bed, then I am going to divorce you!, and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.You try to sleep, and think sleep(8 * 3600); /* sleep for 8 hours /When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page.When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number…When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want.When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window.When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that youre doing the math in octal.When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage.
11
May
Yknow yer a redneck, when someone yells "Hoedown!" and yer date drop tthe floor.
11
May
October 28, 1958 – Angleo Giuseppe Roncalli was elected Pope. He took the name John XXIII.
TRADITION
Every time a new pope is elected, there are a lot of rituals and ceremonies that have to be gone through, in accordance with tradition. Well, theres one tradition that very few people know about.
Shortly after the new pope is enthroned, the chief rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the popes presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.
The pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.
The chief rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next pope is elected. John XXIII was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the chief rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the chief rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.
My brother, the pope whispered, I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?
The chief rabbi shrugs and replies, But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history.
The pope said, Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret.
The chief rabbi agreed. Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the chief rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.
They both gasped with shock.
It was the check for the last supper.
From: Chuckles of Choice Web Site
11
May
Chemical Analysis
Element: Woman
Symbol: WO
Discoverer: Adam
Quantitative Analysis: Accepted at 36 – 28 – 36, though isotopes
ranging from 25 -10 – 20 to 60 – 55 – 60
have been identified.
Occurrence: Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive,
energetic singlet state. Surplus quantities in all urban
areas.
Physical Properties: Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at
absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice.
Totally unpredictable. Melts when
properly treated, very bitter if not well used.
Found in various states, ranging from virgin
metal to common ore. Non-magnetic but attracted
by coins and sport cars. In its natural shape
the specimen varies considerably, but it is
often changed artificially so well that the
change is indiscernable except to the experienced
eye.
Chemical Properties: Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C, especially
in the crystalline form. May give violent reaction
if left alone. Will absorb great amounts of food
matter. Highly desired reaction is initiated
with various reagents such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and
sexy aftershave lotions. An essential catalyst
is often required (must say you love her at least
five times daily). Reaction accelerates out of
control when in the dark and all reaction
conditions are suitable. Extremely difficult to
react if in the highly stable pure form.
Yields to pressure applied to correct points.
The reaction is highly exothermic.
Storage: Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 25 years.
Uses: Highly ornamental. Used as a tonic for low spirits. Used
on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
Tests: Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural
state. Turns green if placed besides a better specimen.
Caution: Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego).
Highly explosive in inexperienced hands. Specimen must
be used with great care if experiments are to succeed.
It is illegal to possess more then one permanent specimen,
though a certain amount of exchange is permitted.
[Ed: There is a similar one for men which can be found at
http://student-www.eng.hawaii.edu/kenny/jokes/mild/haha3]