Old and New Jokes

Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?
A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.

Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to complain that I didnt translate this joke into French, one Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the puck.

A cop pulls over a guy.
Your eyes are awfully red. Have you been drinking?

Gee, officer, the man says.

Your eyes are awfully glazed — have you been eating doughnuts?

Pepito estaba en el colegio y como nadie venía a recogerlo, su profesora le dice: Si quieres vente para mi casa hasta mañana que vengan por ti, y Pepito dijo que si.

Cuando estaban en la casa y ya se iban a dormir, la profesora notó que Pepito estaba un poco triste y le preguntó que le pasaba, a lo que Pepito respondió:

Es que siempre antes de irme a acostar yo me acuesto con mi mamá y le meto me dedito en su ombliguito.

Y la profesora no se le pudo resistir a la inocencia de Pepito y accede.

Pasado ya un buen rato, la profesora le dice con ternura: Pepito, Pepito, ese no es mi ombliguito.

Y Pepito, con una cara de pendejo, responde, Ya se señorita, y tampoco es mi dedito…

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, Got any duck feed?



The clerk tells him, No, we dont have a market for it it so we dont carry it.



The duck says, Okay and leaves. The next day, the duck walks in to the feed store and asks, Got any duck feed?



Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.



Next day, the duck walks in, and asks, Got any duck feed?



The clerk says, Ive told you twice, we dont have duck feed, weve never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, Ill nail your feet to the floor.



The duck leaves.



The next day, the duck walks in and asks, Got any nails?



No, comes the reply.



Got any duck feed?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

New Vaccine May Contain Rabies

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing

Air Head Fired

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ping Pong!
Ping Pong who?
Ping Pong the witch is dead….!

Advertising is just telling lies to attract shoplifters.

(Heard this one from a minister at a pre-wedding party:)

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the
street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they
decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it
home and parked it in the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling
water on their new car. It didnt need a wash, so he ran out and asked
the priest what he was doing. Im blessing it, the priest replied.

The rabbi replied Oh, then he ran back into the synagogue. He
reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut
off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the drivers seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate.

He walked up to the drivers window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, Yes, officer?

What are you doing? the policeman asked.

What does it look like? answered the young man. Im reading a magazine.

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, And what is she doing?

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, What does it look like? Shes knitting.

And how old are you? the officer then asked the young man.

Im nineteen, he replied.

And how old is she? asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, Well, in about twelve minutes shell be eighteen.