Old and New Jokes

Un cazador le estaba contando sus aventuras en la selva a su compadre.

Fíjese compadre que yo iba por la selva y como se empezó a poner muy espesa me tuve que ir un poco encorvado. Después se puso más espesa me tuve que ir en cuclillas. Más tarde se puso más tupida y me fui a gatas. Por fin llegué donde ya no había espesura y que me encuentro enfrente de un león.

¿Y que pasó después? le preguntó el compadre.

¡Que el león hace prrrffffffffffff!

¡¿Pero cómo, si los leones rugen?!

¡Es que estaba volteado!

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign .


cheese rolls $2.00


ham rolls $2.00


hand jobs $10.00


so he sees an attractive blonde waitress and says to her do you do the hand jobs and she replies yes i do.


so he says well wash your hands i want a cheese roll.

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

Very well, said the gatekeeper of Heaven. But you realize, I hope, that weve got all the good players and the best coaches.

I know, and thats all right, Satan answered unperturbed. Weve got all the umpires.

If you mess with a thing long enough, it will break.

How do you drown a blonde?

Put a copy of The Three Little Pigs at the bottom of the pool and tell her to read the whole thing.

Yo mama so stupid she got hit by a parked car.

One Sunday a pastor toldthe congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people toprayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said thatwhoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plateswere passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill inoffering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregationand said hed like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly,saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to cometo the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderfulit was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "Ill take him and him and him."

A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed. So the man says to his wife Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill She ignores the remark.



A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, Geez, it really IS as wide as the grill! She ignores this remark as well.



Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, If you think Im gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken.

One particular Christmas season, long ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip … but everything seemed to be going wrong. Four of his elves got sick and had to be replace with trainee elves, which slowed down the production line — so Santa was beginning to feel pressured and behind schedule early on. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mother was coming to spend the holidays with them again, and that stressed out Santa even more.
It only got worse when he began to prepare for his trip. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that one of them was about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out heaven knows where, which meant that more elves had to be pulled off the toy line to go find them. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the boards came loose and the toy bag fell to the ground, scattering toys everywhere. He picked them up and then spent ten minutes looking around the shop for the right size nail for the damn board, and of course he whacked himself on the thumb while pounding it into the board.
Deeply frustrated at this point, Santa figured hed better have a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey before heading out. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had drank all the liquor, whihc made Santa so angry that he slammed the coffee pot down on the table — and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mhis mother-in-law had taken it somehwere.
Just then the doorbell rang, and Santa went to answer it, cursing yet another interruption. He opened the door and there was a little angel with golden ringlets and a sparkly robe carrying a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, “Merry Christmas Santa. Isnt it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isnt it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?” Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by the world-famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers…

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My wife and I cant come to the phone right now, but if youll leave your name and number, well get back to you as soon as were finished.

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A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why were not here. So leave a message.

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Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didnt lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, dont worry, I have plenty of money.

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Hi, Im not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

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Hi! Johns answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and Ill stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

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Hello, this is Sallys microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so Im stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

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Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If youre still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

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This is not an answering machine — this is a telepathic thought- recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and Ill think about returning your call.

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Hi. I am probably home. Im just avoiding someone I dont like. Leave me a message, and if I dont call back, its you.

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Hi, this is George. Im sorry I cant answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

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If you are a burglar, then were probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and cant come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably arent home and its safe to leave us a message.

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Youre growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message.

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Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

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Hello, youve reached Jim and Sonya. We cant pick up the phone right now, because were doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right … real slowly. So leave a message, and when were done brushing our teeth, well get back to you.