Old and New Jokes

At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.

7. Windows 3.1: The best $89 solitaire game you can buy.

Estaban en un mitin todas las mujeres del mundo para hacerle a Dios tres peticiones muy importantes para ellas, y entonces, baja San Pedro con su libretita y su lápiz para apuntar sus peticiones.

Díganme hijas, cual es su primer petición.

Primero, queremos que la regla no sea cada mes, que sea cada seis meses porque es una chinga estar cada 28 días con esas molestias.

San Pedro anota la petición en su libretita.

Muy bien hijas, ¿cual es su segunda petición para el Señor?

Segundo, queremos que el embarazo no dure nueve meses, porque es muy cansado estar cargando esa panza todo ese tiempo, queremos que dure solo tres meses.

San Pedro anota la petición número dos en su libretita.

Perfecto hijas mías, y por último, ¿cual es la tercer petición?

Por último, queremos que el pene del hombre sea bonito porque ¡realmente es horrible!

San Pedro consternado anota la petición número tres y les pide a las mujeres que se reúnan nuevamente en un mes más.

Después del mes, se vuelven a reunir y las mujeres aclamando: que vivan las mujeres, que vivan las mujeres esperan a San Pedro que baja ipsofacto ante tal escándalo y comienza su discurso.

Hijas, la petición número uno, será otorgada parcialmente. La regla será cada cinco meses, porque seis estuvo medio cabrón. La petición número dos, será otorgada también parcialmente. El periodo de embarazo durará cuatro meses y medio, fue lo más que pude hacer por ustedes. Y la tercera petición, fue declinada completamente por nuestro señor.

Y las mujeres gritando y reclamando: ¿Pero por qué, señor?

Y les contesta San Pedro: ¡Porque si feo y peludo se lo maman, bonito se lo comen!

Esta es la historia de un culo que ya no quería ser culo, así que hablo con el Supremo:

Ya no quiero ser un culo, pidió.

Pero, ¿por qué no quieres ser un culo?

Es que soy la cosa más miserable del universo; me ultrajan y abusan de mí. No, ya no quiero ser un culo, se queja.

Entonces, ¿qué quieres ser?

Yo quisiera ser un pajarito.

Y, zas, el Altísimo lo convierte en pájaro. Cuando se trepa a una rama de un árbol, como lo hacen todos los pájaros, llega otro pájaro que lo saluda:

Hola, culito.

No soy culito, reclama.

Eres un culo, insiste el ave.

No, que no soy.

Entonces, ¿qué eres?

Pues soy un pajarito.

A ver, canta.

Y comienza a cantar:

Prprprprprpr.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, Now, who is going to tell the wife?

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, dont make a bad situation any worse than it is.

Gentlemen! Discreet? Im the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretions my middle name, leave it to me.

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says, Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.

She hollers, TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!

Rippington says, O.K.

How can you spot the Polish Jew at the Wailing Wall?

Hes the one with the harpoon.

Some mornings I wake up grouchy… and on others I just let her sleep!

To YOU Im an atheist; to God, Im the Loyal Opposition. –Woody Allen

Impiety: Your irreverence toward my deity. –Ambrose Bierce

If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will exceed all expectations. –Reverend Chichester

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you dont believe? –Quentin Crisp

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? –Jules Feiffer

Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and youre going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth. And you should save it for someone you love. –Butch Hancock

Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life. –Andrew Lias

God is dead, but fifty thousand social workers have risen to take his place. –Dr J D McCoughey

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. –H.L. Mencken

When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new
bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in his wisdom, didnt
work that way. So I just stole one and asked him to forgive me. –Emo Phillips

She said role-playing games were the creation of Satan. Dead
clever of him. I mean, sitting down there in Hell, working out
all the combat tables and everything. I bet he used to really
swear every time the dice caught fire… –Terry Pratchett, Only You Can Save Mankind

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools. –Unknown

I used to be an atheist but I gave it up. No holidays. –Unknown

Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a person a car. –Unknown

The recent spate of funny doctors names forces me
to publish this test that all of you must pass to
remain on dl.humor. If you do not garner a passing
score, you will be automatically purged from the dlist.

Good luck to most of you. To those of you who think
these names are actually funny, I know you will fail
to qualify, and I can look forward to a JUNKMAIL folder
with less deadwood.

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, Mom, Ive decided to become a minister when I grow up.

Thats okay with us, but what made you decide that?

Well, said the little boy, I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.