Old and New Jokes

Q: How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Two, one to change it and one to phone round and cancel the party they were going to have to celebrate the old one burning brightly for 50 years.

How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital?
Hes the one blowing the foam off his bedpan.

Where does an Australian family go on holiday?
A different bar.

Did you bear about the Chinese couple that bad a disabled baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.

Why arent there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they are not going to work in the future either.

What do you call an Australian farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.

Why do drivers education classes in Queensland Australian schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday the sex education class uses it.

Whats the difference between a Southern zoo and a Northern Zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f***?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell Bingo.

Whats the Cuban national anthem?
Row, row, row, your boat.

Whats the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins, Once upon a time… while a Southern fairytale begins, Yall aint gonna believe this shit…

How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?

Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.

Un asmático sube con problemas 5 pisos, llama a la puerta y le abren.

Doctor, tengo mucha asma, ¿qué me recomienda?

Fácil: no fume, no beba, descanse y cómprese unos lentes.

Y ¿que tienen que ver los lentes con el asma?

Son para que encuentre la casa del doctor, que está abajo, yo soy albañil.

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then Im against it.



But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then Im for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.

No radio. Already stolen.

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years…

I feel sorry for people who dont drink. When they wake up in the

morning, thats as good as theyre going to feel all day.

–Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they arent drunk, theyre sober.

–William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.

–Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said youd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

–Ernest Hemingway

Youre not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

–Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you cant say it.

–Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness – or as good as drink.

–G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when youre wasted all the time.

–Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

–Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.

–Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.

— Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didnt even have the decency to

thank her.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?

–W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.

–Anonymous

If God had intended us to drinkbeer, He would have given us stomachs.

–David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.

–Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

–Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

–Michelle Mastrolacasa

Id rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.

–Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

–Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.

When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.

When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.

Sooooo, lets all get drunk, and go to heaven…

–Brian ORourke

You cant be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it

helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.

–Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol

has taken out of me.

–Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer.

–Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

–Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

–Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.

–Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.

–Humphrey Bogart

Why is Australian beer served cold?

So you can tell it from urine.

–David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

–Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

–Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and

oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital

ingredient in beer.

I drink to make other people interesting.

–George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I dont like you and you dont like me – so lets just do this and Ill get back to killing you with beer.

–Homer Simpson

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

What do they say?, the priest asked.

They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?

Thats terrible, the priest exclaimed, But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

Thank you. said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered.

At a resort, a fellow walks up to an older fellow who is sitting
in the sun, sipping iced tea.

Younger guy says – Hey, you gonna just sit around all day? How
about it if you join me for a round of golf.

Nah, the older fellow replies, tried it once, didnt like it.

Well then, younger fellow asks how about a swim? It might be
just as refreshing as your iced tea there.

Nah, the older fellow responds, tried it once, didnt like it.
But if youre game for tennis, my son will be here soon and is
usually up for a game or two – you might want to play with him.

Younger fellow replies: Your only child I presume?

Rob Peck

I knew today was going to be a bad one. I got my dental adhesive and my preperation H mixed up. Now my gums have shrunk so much that my teeth keep falling out and I may never be able to go to the bathroom again.

Then I got my nose spray and my eyedrops mixed up. The red has gone out of my nose and the tears in my eyes have dried up so I cannot see.

Poured beer on my rice crispies… They went snap crackle burp.

Think I will go back to bed if that damn cat has not taken over the bed.