Old and New Jokes

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to mom and say, See mom, I told you they wouldnt notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, Im thankful I didnt get caught and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your shake back to the table. Announce that its the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring along old recorded football games and pop them in the VCR when dads not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game when he comes into the room, turn off the VCR, and then turn on the regular TV.

6. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Request that she bring photos.

What is black, blue and brown? A blonde who has told too many blonde jokes.

I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash, the salesman said.

The customer, not able to figure the calculation, said he would think about the deal and return the next day.

That evening, the fellow asked his female friend, If you were offered nine hundred dollars minus six percent, how much would you take off?

Everything but my earrings, she purred.

Un tipo libertino le pregunta a otro:

Oye, ¿no sabes de alguna chica, que esté bien buena y que yo no conozca? Lo que pasa es que ya me cogí a todas las chavas de este pueblo.

Su amigo le comenta acerca de una joven apodada La Profunda, a la que nadie había podido hacerla gozar.

El tipo, presumiendo ser experto en cuestiones sexuales, se va muy confiado a la casa de la chica. Al llegar, el sujeto le ofrece a La Profunda que si tienen sexo, él la haría gozar por primera vez. La mujer, no muy convencida, acepta el trato.

El tipo se baja el pantalón y, sin más, la empieza a penetrar. El hombre comienza a gemir, mientras la muchacha está como si nada. De repente, el tipo comienza a sentir que se hunde dentro de la chica, y en el forcejeo para evitar ser tragado por ella se le va el zapato adentro de su hoyo. Entonces, para recuperar su zapato se adentra en la chica y empieza a buscarlo. Repentinamente, ve a un árabe que estaba sentado, y le pregunta:

¿Tú también intentaste acostarte con La Profunda, verdad?

Sí, hasta mi camello se la quiso coger y no pudo.

Oye, ¿me ayudarías a encontrar mi zapato?

Claro, pero primero busquemos a mi camello.

Theorem: 3=4
Proof:

Suppose:
a + b = c

This can also be written as:
4a – 3a + 4b – 3b = 4c – 3c

After reorganizing:
4a + 4b – 4c = 3a + 3b – 3c

Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)

Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3

Three men, a doctor, a minister, and a lawyer take a fishing boat out onto the ocean. A terrible storm arises, and the boat takes a great quantity of water. Fearing that they will all die, they decide that one of them must jump into the shark infested waters so that the other two may live.

The minister volunteers, saying that God will take care of him. He jumps in and is immediately eaten by the sharks.

More water comes into the boat. They decide that one of the two remaining people must jump in. The doctor says I have spent my entire life healing people, certainly I will survive the ocean. He jumps in and is immediately eaten by the sharks.

A person is walking along the shore line. He sees the boat being pushed by sharks onto the shore. It reaches the shore, and the lawyer steps out calmly. The man runs to the lawyer, and says hey, what was that all about?

The lawyer says Professional courtesy.

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
…And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, Wait, Ive done some charity in my life also. St. Peter looks in his book and says,Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct? The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, Yes. St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell.

how many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

After years of his wifes pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preachers sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!

The Preacher replied, Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please…Id appreciate it if you didnt use the Lords name in vain!

The man said, Im sorry Reverend, but I cant help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!

The Reverend said, Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church!

The man said, Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $

500.00 in the collection plate!

And the Reverend said, NO SHIT?!

38 Long