Old and New Jokes

Chelsea asked her dad, Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time…? Bill Clinton replied, No. Some begin with After Im elected…

Q: How many alt.fan.star-trek readers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Illogical. We dont have such dated devices anymore.

Q: How many cafeteria staff does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Sorry, we closed 18 seconds ago, and Ive just cashed up.

Womans Quote of the Day:



Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and its our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which youd like to have dinner with



Mens Counter-Quote of the Day:



Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache.

Id insult you, but youre not bright enough to notice.

Im glad Im a woman

Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am
I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
I dont brag to my buddies about my erections
I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions
I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown
and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt
my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut
and I dont go around re-adjusting my crotch
or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind
Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind!

Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing
I dont have body hair like shag carpeting
It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back
When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack
And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb
Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side
Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride!

And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball
I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
I wont tell you my wife just does not understand
stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see
you can forget all about that old penis envy
I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks
join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true
Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand. Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met OK, so whats the speed of dark? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film. Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark. Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. I intend to live forever – so far, so good Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines Im not cheap, but I am on special this week I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy If you aint makin waves, you aint kickin hard enough! Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb! Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you. If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder … 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence? Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire. When Im not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
Your career wont progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… – now THATS a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor…
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: Hi my name is… uh… Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says Hi when you come in… You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night youre beginning to find your roommates cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Dont recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. Im as sober as a judge. The shrubberys drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming TORO TORO TORO! in the middle of the night.

Your Mamma is so fatt she uses a bus as a vibrator

(The math department here at UW has a student run news/humour magazine called,
appropriately enough, mathNEWS. One of the best columns in there is the
prof quotes. This is what keeps us awake in Friday morning classes:)

Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?
Yes, I dont have one.
Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors…

– E. DAzevedo Computer Science 372

If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem.
– C. Durance Computer Science 234

Lets make ethanol green this afternoon.
– R. Friesen Chemistry 124

You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename.
– Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

What Ive done, of course, is total garbage.
– R. Willard Pure Math 430a

The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug
someone with it?
– M. Devine Computer Science 340

Is it a really good acid, or just a half-acid?
– R. Friesen Chemistry 124

You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them.
Why do you find that funny?
– D. Taylor Computer Science 350

This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does
something child-like.
– Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

I think it is true for all n. I was just playing it safe with n>=3 because
I couldnt remember the proof.
– Baker Pure Math 351a

Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a
smurfette.
– P. Buhr Computer Science 354

Every prof blows this. Were all going to get AIDS or something.
– J. Vanderkooy Physics 122

How do you find an isomorphism? You just f it. See? Graph theory is
a lot of fun.
– I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

You cant drink negative beer. Well, I guess you could throw up.
– Forbes Math Elective 102

Due to the postal strike, the assignment is extended to one week
from today. I do not give out extensions without good reason.
– Forbes Burkowski Computer Science 454

You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesnt dim the lights when you turn it on.
– Hepler Systems Design 182

You have to regard everything I say with suspicion – I may be trying to
bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently.
– J. Wainwright Mathematics 140b

Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat.
– M. Devine and P. Larson Computer Science 340

Well call it S for cyclic.
– Gord Sinnamon Mathematics 234b

Karen has her own i, and she is not going to let Frank put his
data into it.
– F. D. Boswell Computer Science 240

All that was meant to bore you shitless.
– I. Goulden Combinatorics and Optimization 230

The subspace W inherits the other 8 properties of V. And there
arent even any property taxes.
– J. MacKay Mathematics 134b

So you have this mapping P(v). So what does it mean? It means you
take v and P on it, right?
– J. Baker Mathematics 234b

Thats an engineer on his work term. Hes sawing pipes, then soldering
them back together again…Hell do that 10 times to make the pipe
shorter.
– J. MacKay Statistics 332

What do I do if I am running low on my [computer] account?
Take out a loan.
– C. Durance Computer Science 234