Old and New Jokes

There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were

a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.



After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled out and was declared the second place finisher.



Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.



When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, I dont want to sound like Im a sore loser, but

I think those two other girls were using their arms.

A blonde,brunette and a redhead all step up to a mysterious magig mirror. A sign beside it says: If you lie while looking in this mirror you will dissapear. The brunette appraches the mirror and says: I think im the smartest girl in the world and she dissapeared. The redhead approaches the mirror and says: I think Im the hottest girl in the world. and she dissapeared. Then the blonde appraches the mirror and says: I think, and she dissapeared

The young mother skeptically examined a new educational toy.

Isnt it rather complicated for a small boy? she asked the salesclerk.



Its designed to adjust the tot to live in todays world, madam, the shop assistant replied. Any way he tries to put it together is wrong.

If an item is advertised as under $50, you can bet its not $19.95.

If you cant find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, its an improved screwdriver.

Try to work alone, an audience is rarely any help.

Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair … but only if you are working alone.

Work in the kitchen whenever you can… many fine tools are there. Its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

If its electronic, get a new one, or consult a twelve-year-old.

Stay simple minded, Plug it in, Get a new battery, Replace the bulb or fuse, See if the tank is empty, Try turning it to the on switch, or Just paint over it.

Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart, and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

Regardless what people say, kicking, pounding, throwing, and shaking sometimes DOES help.

If something looks level, it is level.

If at first you dont succeed, redefine sccess.

Above all, if what youve done is stupid, but it works, it aint stupid!

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his system upset. Upon making several false-alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest was another, and stayed put.

He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms wildly, which left the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there staring down at the sheets, a security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, What the hell was that all about?

Still staring down, the drunk replied, I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost!

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (dont even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

General Motors Introduces New Instant-Win AirbagsDetroit – With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11% since 1997, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the companys 2004 cars. Auto accidents have never been so exciting, said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 2004 sales significantly. When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a years worth of free Mobil gasoline.Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 2004, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, Oh, boy, this could be it–I could be a big winner! said Cincinnatis Martin Frelks, who lost his wife but won $50 Sunday when the Buick LeSabre they were driving hit an oil slick at 60 mph and slammed into an oncoming truck. When the car stopped rolling down the embankment, I knew Ellen was dead, but all I could think about was getting the blood and glass out of my eyes so I could read that airbag!Its really addictive, said Sacramento, CA, resident Marjorie Kamp, speaking from her hospital bed, where she is listed in critical condition with severe brain hemorrhaging and a punctured right lung. Ive already crashed four cars trying to win those Super Bowl tickets, but I still havent won. I swear, Im going to win those tickets – even if it kills me!Kamp said that as soon as she is well enough, she plans to buy a new Pontiac Bonneville and drive it into a tree. GM officials are not surprised the airbag contest has been so well received. In the past, nobody really liked car wrecks, and thats u

I posted this a year ago, but the time is right to revive it. If I get some hate mail Ill turn it into an annual event!

The Cole family had a great Christmas this year, even though our Dinner didnt include our traditional Christmas Swan. I missed watching the kids fight over neck.

We did have an Endangered Species Awareness dinner. For hors doevres before dinner we had lightly grilled Snail Darters. The first course was a delectably light Spotted Owl consomme. The main course was a Californis Condor stuffed with baby seal. My mom knows that baby seals lose a lot of their flavor and vitamins if they are shot and not properly clubbed. Best of all, this year I got to OJ the bird.

My nephew was thrilled with his present. I gave him a Milli Vanilli doll. You press the button and Teddy Ruxbin Sings.

A man goes to the confessional. Forgive me father, for I have sinned.

What is your sin, my child? The priest asks back.

Well, the man starts, I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.

When did you do use this awful language? said the priest.

I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.

Is that when you swore?

No, Father. Said the man. After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.

Is THAT when you swore? asked the Father again.

Well, no. said the man, You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!

Is THAT when you swore? asked the amazed Priest.

No, not yet. The man replied. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.

Did you swear THEN? asked the now impatient Priest.

No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.

You missed the fucking putt, didnt you? sighed the Priest.