Old and New Jokes

Both Clinton and the Pope die, but there is a mix up. Clinton went to heaven and the Pope gets sent to hell.

The Pope explains the situation to the hell administration, they check their paperwork, and the error is acknowledged. They explain, however, that it will take about 24 hours to process the paperwork and make the switch.

The next day, the Pope is called in and the hell administration bids him farewell and he heads for heaven. On the way up, he meets Clinton on the way down, and they stop to chat.

Pope: Sorry about the mix up.

Clinton: No problem.

Pope: Im really excited about going to heaven.

Clinton: Whys that?

Pope: All my life Ive wanted to meet the Virgin Mary.

Clinton: Youre a day late.

Manolo y Paco se hacen narcotraficantes. En el primer intento de pasar mercadería al país vecino, son descubiertos por la guardia fronteriza. A Manolo lo hieren de un balazo en una pierna y lo detienen. Paco, con mejor suerte, logra huir. Un mes después Paco va a visitar a Manolo, quien le dice:

Paco, hazme un favor. La herida en la pierna se me ha infectado y aquí en la cárcel me la van a cortar. Quiero que recojas esa pierna y la lleves a enterrar a nuestro pueblo.

Por supuesto.

A la semana siguiente, Paco retira la pierna extirpada, la lleva a su terruño y procede muy compungido a su entierro. Vuelve al país vecino a visitar a Manolo y éste le dice:

Paco, el maldito virus de la herida se ha extendido. Es menester que me corten la otra pierna. ¿No harías lo mismo que hiciste con la anterior?

Casi llorando, Paco acepta. A los pocos idas va a la enfermería, le entregan la pierna de Manolo y cumple la misma ceremonia de enterrarla en su terruño. Un mes después va a visitar a Manolo a la cárcel y escucha esto:

Mira Paco, esta endemoniada infección no quiere detenerse. Se me ha extendido al brazo derecho y me lo van a cortar; yo te pido que…

Paco lo interrumpe muy sonriente y acercándosele para hablarle en secreto le dice: ¡Qué hábil que eres Manolo… ¡Ya me he dado cuenta, ¡¿te estás fugando de a poco, eh?!

Q: What gives milk and has one horn?



A: A milk truck!

One day little john came home with an F on his math test his dad asks

How did you get an F on the math test little john replies The teacher asked what is 2 times three and i answered 6 the dad says uh hun then little john said The teacher asked what 3 times 2 was the father says whatthe fuck is the difference and little john says thats what i said.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

Success is the active process of making your dreams real and inspiring others to dream. – James Anders Honeycutt

If Bill Gates marries Madhuri Dixit;
these could be the caption in Newspapers:

* Bill goes Dhak-Dhak!
* English Babu Desi Mem.
* Brain marries Beauty!?
* Windows ke peechhe kya hai? Windows ke peechhe….!?
Ooo Windows mein Bill hai mera…
* The next version of Windows will be Windows MD.
* Microsoft Mouse V/S Madhuri – the cat.
* Relax guys! theyll only go for a virtual honeymoon.
* Bill to count his millions & billions in EK, DO, TEEN..
* Gate for Bill, Windows for M.F.Hussain
* Mera Bill ghar aaya O Hussainji, Mera…
* Mera bill bhee kitna pagal hai…
* Bill Will, Gates Wates… Main kya jaanu re… !

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy. After examining it, he called the curator of a prestigious natural history museum.

Ive just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure! the excited scientist exclaimed.

To which the curator replied, Bring him in. Well check it out.

A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. You were right about the mummys age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?

Simple…there was a piece of paper in his hand that said –

put me down for 10,000 Shekels on Goliath.

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been
promoted from privates to sergeants. Not long after,
theyre out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper,
theres the NCO Club. Lets you and me stop in."
"But wes privates," protests Jasper. "Wes
sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.
"Now, Jasper, Im a-gonna sit down and have me
a drink." "But wes privates," says Jasper.
"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at
his stripes. "Wes sergeants now." So they
have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up
to Leroy. "Youre cute," she says, "and
Id like to date you, but Ive got a bad case of gonorrhoea."
Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper,
go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means.
If its okay, give me the okay sign." So Jasper
goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the
big okay sign. Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in
the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea. "Jasper,"
he says, "what fo you give me the okay?"
"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea
affects only the privates." He points to his stripes.
"But wes sergeants now!"

Garth Brooks and Billy Ray Cyrus are captured by terrorists.

They are brought up in front of a firing line. The head terrorist asks Billy Ray Cyrus for any last requests. To which Billy replies Well, I sure would like to sing _Achy Breaky Heart_ jus one more time!

The head terrorist says fair enough.

The head terrorist then asks Garth Brooks the same question. And Garth answers shot me first!