Old and New Jokes

A guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender he has no money, but in exchange for a beer hell show him a trick hell never forget.

The bartender shakes his head but goes ahead and gives the man a beer.

The guy takes a rat out of one pocket and a frog out of another. The rat scurries over to the bars piano and plays a tune. The frog belts out the song in perfect harmony with the rats piano playing.

A few minutes later another man walks over and offers the customer $100 for the frog. He instantly accepts, and gives the other man the frog.

Are you nuts? the bartender asks. That frog could be worth a fortune to you.

Dont be so sure, the customer says. The rats a ventriloquist.

A bunch of blondes walk into a restaurant celebrating and chanting 28 days, 28 days, it only took us 28 days!!



Everyone was wondering what took them 28 days and why they were celebrating. Finally, when the blondes were about to leave, a waitor goes up and asks What took you 28 days, why are you celebrating??



All the blondes say We just finished a puzzle in 28 days and on the box it said 3-6 years!!!

Q: Whats the difference between pink and purple?

A: The grip!!!!!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Pat!
Pat who?
Pat yourself on the back!

Biology is the only sceince in which multiplication
means the same thing as division.

Jim Goldmans joke reminded me of an oldie but goodie:

Fred and Myra were residents at the local old age home. One day, Fred came shuffling past Myra when she waved him over.

Fred, she said, Ill bet I can guess how old you are.

Okay, replied Fred, go ahead. Tell me how old I am.

Well, you got to pull down your pants first Fred.

What are ya talkin about Myra?

I can only tell how old you are if you pull down your pants Fred.

Shrugging his shoulders, Fred obliges and pulls down his pants. Myra tells him to pull down his underpants as well.

Thinking why not? he pulls down his underpants as well. Myra peers at his privates, inspecting from all angles. She takes his equipment in hand, moves it around a bit, feeling here and there. After some of this manipulation, she looks up at Fred and announces, Youre 87 years old.

Astonished, Fred looks at her in amazement!

How did you figure that out Myra?!?!?

Fred — you told me yesterday.

there were 3 guys that went sky diving. one dropped a pebbleand jumped.the second dropped a rock. and the third dropped a grenade. when the first guy landed he was a little kid crying so he asked hey kid why are you crying and the kid replied I just got nailed by some moron that threw a pebble at me. when the second guy landed he saw a man with a big bump on his head so he asked how did you get that big bump on your head? and the man replied some moron threw a rock at me. when the third guy landed he saw this little kid laughing so hard his face turned red. so he aske hey kid whats so funny? and the little kid repliesmy daddy farted and the house blew up.

the president has flown in from texas for an important discussion with the israeli president who is a jew.


the israeli president asks,would u like some local food?


mr bush accepts and drinks the manischewitz wine


Bush then offers,hey would u like a hotdog made from the finest pork products in america?

Once Bill Clinton visited a elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, Today we are going to discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident. Then he said, Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?

A little boy raises his hand and says, If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car. Clinton says, No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try? A little girl raises her hand and says, If a busload of kids drove off a cliff. Clinton says, No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?



A boy raises his hand and says and says, If you and Mrs. Clinton was on a plane and it blew up. Then Clinton says, Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be considered a tragedy? And the little boy says, Well, it wouldnt have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldnt have been a great loss.

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts.

As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.

After dinner, one thing leads to

another and they end up in her hotel bedroom.

Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back, they go for it.

After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.

As she comes back the male doc says, I bet you are a surgeon.

She confirms, and asks how he knew.

Easy, he said, youre always washing your hands.

Thats very clever! she says, I bet youre an anesthesiologist.

Wow, how did you guess? he asked.

I didnt feel a thing! she replied.