Old and New Jokes

Theres a woman that has a big problem when it came to farting. She farts all the time, yet is never be able to smell or hear them. So one day she decides to go to the doctor about the problem. She tells him how she is always leaving these long, hard farts that she can never smell or hear. The doctor thinks about it and sends her home with some pills, telling her to come back a week later. When she comes back to his office, she tells him how she still is having these horrible farts, but now they smell like rotting eggs. The doctors only reaction to this was…

Its good to know we cleared up your sinuses. Now to work on your hearing….

Manolo y Venancio están pescando, con una lancha rentada, en un lago. En cierto momento Manolo comenta:

Venancio, ¿ya viste cuántos peces tenemos?

Sí, hombre, tenemos que volver mañana a este mismo lugar.

Pero, ¿cómo le hacemos para ubicarlo de nuevo?

No te preocupes, Manolo, he puesto una X al lado de la lancha.

No seas tonto, Venancio, ¿qué tal si mañana no nos dan la misma lancha?

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph.

The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, Honey, I know weve been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce.



The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.



She then says, I dont want you to try to talk me out of it, because Ive been having an affair with your best friend, and hes a better lover than you.



Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.



She says, I want the house. Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.



She says, I want the kids too. The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until hes up to 80 mph.



She says, I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too. The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, Is there anything you want?

The husband says, No, Ive got everything I need right here.



She asks, Whats that?



The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph…

Ive got the airbag!

Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the mans friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

Whats so funny? the bartender asked.

That stupid Dave! the fellow chortled, Hes so drunk, he thinks hes me!

Dont feel sorry for Monica. Shell be back on her knees in no time!

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean…

10. I think of you as a sister. (Youre ugly.)

9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. (Youre ugly.)

8. Im not attracted to you in that way. (Youre ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (Youre ugly.)

6. Ive got a girlfriend. (Youre ugly.)

5. I dont date women where I work. (Youre ugly.)

4. Its not you, its me. (Youre ugly.)

3. Im concentrating on my career. (Youre ugly.)

2. Im celibate. (Youre ugly.)

and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Lets be friends. (Youre sinfully ugly.)

John receives a phone call.

Hello, he answers.

The voice on the other end says, This is Susan.

We met at a party about 3 months ago.

John: hmmm… Susan? You say we met 3 months ago?

Susan: Yes, it was at Bills house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.

John: Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been?

Susan: Well, Im pregnant and Im going to kill myself.

John: Say, you really ARE a good sport!

Q. Whats long and hard and brown and sticky all over?

A. A stick.

Why was Eminem running down the street?