Snow White received a camera as a gift. She happily took pictures of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. When she finished her first batch she took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos. The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor.
Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry. The clerk, trying to console her, said,
Dont worry. Someday your prints will come.
Any students out there? Here is some advice for writing your term papers 🙂
1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.
3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.
4. Stop off at another floor on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasnt started the paper yet either, you can both walk to McDonalds and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-thru plastic folders, drop him.
5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.
7. Check your e-mail; reply to everyone who sent you letters.
8. You know, you havent written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade… Youd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.
9. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.
10. Listen to one side of your favorite tape and thats it, I mean it, as soon as its over you are going to start that paper.
11. Listen to the other side.
12. Check your e-mail again.
13. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.
14. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if hes started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, the world at large.
15. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
16. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savor its special flavor.
17. Check your e-mail to make sure no-one sent you any urgent messages since the last time you checked.
18. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you arent missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from Masterpiece Theater to Sgt. Preston of the Yukon is truly worthwhile, with these exceptions: Pro Bowlers Tour, any movie starring Don Ameche and Star Trek.
19. Catch the last hour of Soul Brother of Kung Fu on channel 26.
20. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.
21. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.
22. Look through your roommates book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.
23. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.
24. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.
25. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.
26. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the hell of it.
27. Check your e-mail.
28. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.
29. Lie face down on the floor and moan.
30. Leap up and write the paper.
31. Type the paper.
An old Jewish peddler ambled down a street in Tel Aviv carrying two
large watermelons. A tourist stopped him to ask, Where is Ben Yehuda
Street?
The peddler answered, Please hold these two watermelons.
The tourist managed to gather them in his arms, whereupon the peddler
made an expansive gesture with his hands and exclaimed petulantly, How
should I know?
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I cant seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, youd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!
Bill is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Bill just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, Whats the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Cant you find anyone who suits you?
No, Bill replies. I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesnt like them. So I keep on looking!
Listen, his friend suggests, Why dont you find a girl whos just like your dear old Mother?
Many weeks go by and again Bill and his friend get together. So Bill. Did you find the perfect girl yet. One thats just like your Mother?
Bill shrugs his shoulders, Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends.
So are you and this girl engaged, yet? Im afraid not, my Father cant stand her!
Q: Whats the difference between a fairy tale and a redneck story?
A: A fairy tale begins once upon a time, while a redneck story begins you guys aint gonna believe this, but …
The Perfect Couple
Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding.
Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.
Question: Who was the survivor?
(Scroll down for the answer).
Answer: The perfect woman survived. Shes the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.
**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke. Men keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Men Keep scrolling
By the way, if youre a woman and youre still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who cant even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
Its one of those evolutionary things that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with A man once told me…
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How do you fix a womans watch?
You dont. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women cant shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. Hell shut up once you let him in.
——————————————————————-
Whats worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who wont do what shes told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didnt know her first name was Always.
——————————————————————-
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a womans sex drive by 90%.
Its called a Wedding Cake.
——————————————————————-
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
——————————————————————-
Women will never be eq
A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, Thats once. A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, Thats twice. After a little while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didnt say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride scolded him, That was an awful thing to do! The farmer said, Thats once.
Why cant a blonde dail 911?