Old and New Jokes

Había una vez dos hermanas mellizas de 85 años, Elda y Pocha, que vivían juntas y fueron víctimas de un robo en su domicilio. Estando en la seccional policial el policía les iba a tomar declaración sobre los hechos ocurridos. Empezó Pocha diciéndole la policía:

¡Nos han robado $1000!

Pero Elda la interrumpe:

¡No te olvides de decirle que nos quisieron envenenar!

No, espere, ya le vamos a tomar declaracion a usted, dijo el policía.

Sigue Pocha:

¡Nos robaron el televisor!

Interrumpe Elda:

¡Decile, decile que nos querían envenenar!

¡Espere un momento por favor! Ya le vamos a tomar declaracion a usted, dijo el policía.

Pocha continua:

¡Nos robaron las joyas!

Otra vez interrumpe Elda:

¡Decile Pocha que nos querían envenenar!

El Policía, cansado ante tantas interrupciones decide escuchar a Elda:

A veeer señora… su declaración…

Y Elda le dice:

¡Si! Nos querían envenenar porque un ladrón le decía al otro a cada rato: ¿qué te parece si a estas dos viejitas les hechamos un POLVITO?

An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

A couple of years back, a Midland, Texas guy who was sound asleep on a rainy wet night was aroused from his slumbers by a drunk pounding on his door at 3:00 AM. His wife tells him to go answer the door so he grudgingly gets up and goes to the door.

A neighbor, slurring his words and obviously drunk says, I need a push!. The guy says, Dagnabit Georgie, its 3:00 AM. No! I cant help you. He slams the door and goes back to bed.

And his wife says, What was that all about?

The guy says, It was the Bush boy — been a drinking again too — big time. He wanted a push. I sent him packing. Its 3 oclock in the morning. Im not about to go out in the rain at this hour for that dang fool!

The wife reminded him that they had been in a similar situation down in the creek at Red Rock and that at about the same hour in the morning, they pounded on a door and got the help they needed. She shamed him and, feeling guilty, he got back up, put on his pants and raincoat and went outside. George the Lesser was nowhere to be seen.

He hollered, Do you still need help? Hey Georgie, do you still need a push? Off in the distance, he hears a slurred response, Yeah! I still need a push. The guy says, Well where in tarnation are you boy? The drunk responds, Im over here on the swing!

1) How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
You open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door. 2) How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
You open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. 3) The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend, except one. Which animal does not attend?
The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. 4) There is a river you must cross. But it is filled with crocodiles. How do you manage it?
You swim across — all the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.

A highly timid little man, Casper Milquetoast, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, Um, err, which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter?



A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, Thatd be my dog. Why?



Well, squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous, I believe my dog just killed it, sir.



What? roared the big man in disbelief. What kind of dog do you have?



Sir, answered the little man, Its a four week old puppy.



How could your puppy kill my Doberman? roared the biker.



It appears that he choked on it, sir.

Real engineers wear jewelry made from discarded motherboards.
Contrary to popular belief, real engineers do put on nail polish; they just never remove it.
Real engineers schedule their yearly Pap smear around their beta release schedule.
Real engineers not only nurse and program at the same time, but they lull their babies to sleep by the clacking of the keyboard.
Real engineers buy their husbands matching screwdrivers for Christmas, but use them more than he does.
Real engineers get narcotics during labor, not for the pain, but to stop them from taking the fetal distress monitor apart.
Real engineers dont shave their legs above the hemline, in the interest of efficiency.
Also in the interest of efficiency, real engineers buy convertibles so they can blow-dry their hair on the way to work in the morning.
Real engineers carry 2 cans of soup, a yogurt (and a spoon), a box of Triscuits and a package of light Hostess Cupcakes in their purses at all times, in case they pull an all-nighter.
Real engineers only buy purses big enough to fit their laptops in.
Real engineers only wear slipon shoes (with or without heels) so she can take them off to sit cross legged in her chair while programming.
Real engineers keep getting thrown out of Vicorias Secrest because they insist on knowing the exact tensile strength of their bras before buying them.
Real engineers are excited at their first periods, but mostly because its gives them a chance to use the biometric viscosity measurement tools in their science kits.
Real engineers carry a set of matched screwdrivers in their purses.
Real engineers figure out how to nurse and fix the toaster at the same time.
Real engineers fix the runs in their pantyhose with duct tape.
Real engineers figure out algorithms to minimize thread usage when doing counted cross stitch.
Real engineers keep their key chains and pen pocket protectors on even during labor.
Real Engineers look on having a baby as an opportunity to brush up on biomedical and structural engineering in preparation for taking the PE exam.
Real engineers cinch their biking skirts with cable ties.
Real engineers read the toxic shock inserts in the tampon box.
Real engineers examine the inner workings of the fetal monitor between contractions.
Real engineers make cantilevered birthday cakes (but never provide documentation on how to cut them!)
Real engineers never spell in front of the kids; theyd like to, but they cant!

As Jack the Rippers mother said to her son, How come you never go out with the same girl twice?

As Caesar said, Let me mix that salad!

As Moses said to God, Let me see if I have it right – the Arabs get the oil and we get to cut off the tips of our WHAT?

As George Washington said when he was crossing the Delaware, I cant understand it. I paid for a seat!

As Jesse James said to his brother Frank, We cant rob that bank. Thats where we keep our money!

As Vincent Van Gogh said after he cut off his ear, Dont shout!

Plague of Spotted Owls Threaten Crops, Livestock

Texas Executes Last Remaining Citizen

Great and Benevolent Galactic Ruler Reveals That Anal Probes Were
Just For Fun

Mother Monica Dies: Revered Hero of Bangkok Slums Overcame Lurid Past
With US President

Wealthy Widow Anna Nicole Smith, 83, Weds Handsome Young Actor. This
Is True Love, He Beams.

Construction Begins On Grenada War Memorial In D.C.

Cody, Cassidy Gifford Elude Authorities. Drug-Crazed Crime Spree Continues

President Bonecrusher Jones to Face Chief Justice Mad Dog Ortega
In Cage Match

Pope Phil II Settles Custody Battle With Ex-Wife

Upcoming NFL Draft Likely to Focus On Mutants

Younger Generations Music Provokes Outrage of Elders

D.C. Zoo to Receive Rare Cow

Authentic Year 2000 Chad Sells For $6.9 Million at Sothebys

Nursing Home Lawsuit Case: Clinton Denies Candy Stripers Allegations

Court Clears
AOLTimeWarnerGE-DisneyCiscoFordRJR-NabiscoExxon-Mobil of Monopoly Charges

50-Year Study: Diet and Exercise Key to Weight Loss

Baby Conceived Naturally

It Wasnt the Cigarettes – It Was the Ashtrays