Old and New Jokes

Food stamps are rationed so what makes you think government-run health care wont be?

An Irishman is sitting at the end of a bar. He sees a lamp at the end of the table. He walks down to it and rubs it. Out pops a genie. It says, “I will give you three wishes.” The man thinks awhile. Finally he says, “I want a beer that never is empty.” With that, the genie makes a poof sound and on the bar is a bottle of beer. The Irishman starts drinking it and right before it is gone, it starts to refill. The genie asks about his next two wishes. The man says, “I want two more of these.”

Pedro llega a casa cansado de un difícil día de trabajo y se deja caer como un tronco en la cama.

Está a punto de dormirse cuando su esposa se le acerca y le dice, Qué harías si te dijera que tienes a una hermosa, sexy y caliente mujer acostada junto a ti?

Y Pedro contesta: No te preocupes, cariño. Yo te sería fiel…

How did the man feel when he recieved a big bill from the electrick company?

answer He was shocked.

A guy and his wife walked into a bar one day, the wife takes a seat and the guy goes up to the bar.

The barman goes over to the guy and asks him what he wants, the guy replies, Ill have a bottle of bud and an orange juice for the jackass.

The barman looks at the guy puzzled but says nothing and gives the guy his drink. this happens twice more.

A couple of hours pass and the guy goes to the mens room and his wife goes up to the bar. This time she orders the drinks.

The barman gets the drinks and says, its probably none of my business, but I think you should know that your husband has been referring to you as the jackass. I just had to tell you because I dont think its very fair for him to call you that.

The woman turns to him and smiles and says…

Oh, dont worry, its ok – heaw, heaw, he always calls me that!

So we were lying on our backs on the grass in the park next to our hamburger wrappers, my 14-year-old son and I, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, Dad, why are we here?

And this is what I said.

Ive thought a lot about it, son, and I dont think its all that complicated. I think maybe were here just to teach a kid how to bunt, turn two and eat sunflower seeds without using his hands.

Were here to pound the steering wheel and scream as we listen to the game on the radio, 20 minutes after we pulled into the garage. Were here to look all over, give up and then find the ball in the hole.

Were here to watch, at least once, as the pocket collapses around John Elway, and its fourth-and-never. Or as the count goes to 3 and 1 on Mark McGwire with bases loaded, and the pitcher begins wishing hed gone on to med school. Or as a little hole you couldnt get a skateboard through suddenly opens in front of Jeff Gordon with a lap to go.

Were here to wear our favorite sweat-soaked Boston Red Sox cap, torn Slippery Rock sweatshirt and the Converses we lettered in, on a Saturday morning with nowhere we have to go and no one special we have to be.

Were here to rake on a jack-high nothin hand and have nobody know it but us. Or get in at least one really good brawl, get a nice shiner and end up throwing an arm around the guy who gave it to us.

Were here to shoot a six-point elk and finally get the f-stop right, or to tie the perfect fly, make the perfect cast, catch absolutely nothing and still call it a perfect morning.

Were here to nail a yield sign with an apple core from half a block away. Were here to make our dog bite on the same lame fake throw for the gazillionth time. Were here to win the stuffed bear or go broke trying.

I dont think the meaning of life is gnashing our bicuspids over what comes after death but tasting all the tiny moments that come before it. Were here to be the coach when Wendell, the one whose glasses always fog up, finally makes the only perfect backdoor pass all season. Were here to be there when our kid has three goals and an assist. And especially when he doesnt.

Were here to see the Great One setting up behind the net, tying some poor goaltenders neck into a Windsor knot. Were here to watch the Rocket peer in for the sign, two out, bases loaded, bottom of the career. Were here to witness Tigers lining up the 22-foot double breaker to win and not need his autograph afterward to prove it.

Were here to be able to do a one-and-a-half for our grandkids. Or to stand at the top of our favorite double-black on a double-blue morning and overhear those five wonderful words: Highways closed. Too much snow.

Were here to get the Frisbee to do things that would have caused medieval clergymen to burn us at the stake.

I dont think were here to make SportsCenter. The really good stuff never does. Like leaving Wrigley at 4:15 on a perfect summer afternoon and walking straight into Murphys with half of section 503. Or finding ourselves with a free afternoon, a little red 327 fuel-injected 1962 Corvette convertible and an unopened map of Vermonts backroads.

Were here to get the triple-Dagwood sandwich made and the football kicked off at the very second your sister begins tying up the phone until Tuesday.

None of us are going to find ourselves on our deathbeds saying, Dang, I wish Id spent more time on the Hibbings account. Were going to say, That scar? I got that scar stealing a home run from Consolidated Plumbers!

See, grown-ups spend so much time doggedly slaving toward the better car, the perfect house, the big day that will finally make them happy when happy just walked by wearing a bicycle helmet two sizes too big for him. Were not here to find a way to heaven. The way is heaven. Does that answer your question, son?

And he said, Not really, Dad.

And I said, No?

And he said, No, what I meant is, why are we here when Mom said to pick her up 40 minutes ago?

This was told to me by Father George Alderson, of the RCC.

There was a nun doing charity work in a large metropolitan hospital.
As she was walking by the nursery, she encountered a man looking through
the window at a newborn.

Is that your child? said the nun.

Why, yes, it is sister. She was born this morning, said the man.

Are you Catholic, young man?

Yes, sister.

How many children do you have?

This is our twelfth child. We are hoping for more.

Your twelfth child! How magnificent. God has truly blessed you. I shall
remember you in my prayers.

Thank you sister, said the man.

Later that same day, the nun encountered another man at the nursery.

Is that your child, young man.

Yes, sister, it is. I am very proud of her.

Are you Catholic, young man?

No sister, I am not.

How many children do you have?

This is our ninth child.

The nun was shocked and gasped, Sex maniac.

Leaving Peterborough for London on a day trip, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall… Hi there, how is it going? Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didnt know what to say so finally I say: Not bad… Then the voice says: So, what are you doing? I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say: Well, Im going to London… Then I hear the person say all flustered: Look Ill call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me.

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: It shouldnt take more than one person to do this task, regardless of hair color.

gavinfx@yahoo.com

…and she aproaches a salesman and states I would like to buy that fine TV right there. He looks at her and says Im sorry miss, but I dont sell my equipment to blondes. Offended, she leaves, purchases a red wig and returns. She appraoches him again and repeats her initial question. He repeats himself Im sorry miss, but I do not sell my equiment to blondes! So she leaves all in a rut and completely confused. She concludes that he must have seen her blonde hair under her wig, so she dyes it brown. She goes back and says Sir, I would like to purchase that TV over there, he replies listen miss, I DONT sell my equipment to blondes! totally pissed off she asks how do you know im a blonde? He replies, Becasue thats a microwave!