Old and New Jokes

A BLONDE WAS SITTING ON A PARK BENCH CRYING.I WALKED UP TO HER AND ASKED WHAT THE PROBLEM WAS? SHE REPLIED; MY DAD JUST DIED. IM SO SORRY I SAID ;YOU NEED TO TALK TO A FAMILY MEMBER ? SHE SAID YES AND I LET HER USE MY CELL PHONE. SHE CALLED HER SISTER AND AS SHE TALKED SHE BEGAN TO WEEP EVEN MORE. I ASKED WHAT WAS WRONG NOW? SHE SAID MY SISTERS DAD DIED TOO.

Airport Security alerted an airline crew to keep an eye a blonde passenger who appeared excessively nervous and shifty-eyed. Soon after takeoff, the blonde man called a stewardess to his seat and said, I have a live grenade in my pocket. Ill blow up the plane if you do not divert to Cairo.

Perplexed, the stewardess said, But, sir. This is TWA flight 1219 to Cairo.

Damn! replied the blonde passenger, I got on the wrong plane.

Los estadounidenses se encontraban enfrascados en una guerra contra los rusos. Al tiempo que eran perseguidos por los rusos, los gringos cruzan un lago vacío, pero cuando los rusos lo iban a atravesar, el lago se llenó. Entonces los rusos se regresan, pero su general les ordena:

Cuando yo digoski: uñoski, doski, triski. ¡Todos chuposki, todos chuposki!

La tropa se pone alerta y el general vocifera:

¡Uñoski, doski, triski, todos chuposki!

Y los soldados rusos empiezan a chupar el agua del lago hasta vaciarlo y cruzan. Pero a la mitad, se empieza a llenar. Y vuelve a gritar el general:

¡Uñoski, doski, triski, todos chuposki!

Y, nuevamente, los rusos comienzan a chupar el agua del lago hasta vaciarlo y cruzan. Pero al llegar a la mitad, comienza otra vez a llenarse el lago y se tienen que regresar. Intrigado, el general ruso ordena a sus soldados:

Cuando yo digoski: uñoski, doski, triski. ¡Nadie chuposki, nadie chuposki!

Y comienza el general:

¡Uñoski, doski, triski, nadie chuposki!

Ningún soldado chupa agua del lago. En eso, del otro lado del lago se escucha:

¡One, two, three, todos a hacer pipí!

A science class was taking a test. The test was basically identifying birds by their feet. One student looked at the test and saw row after row of nothing but bird feet.

Thats it! Im outta here! he said. He handed his blank test in to the professor.



Whats your name young man?! asked the professor angrily.



The student rolled up his pants, showing his feet.



I dont know. You tell me.

Resumania is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consultings parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates resumes, job applications and cover letters. Heres some examples:

I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise. (And an eye on the e section of the dictionary, evidently.)

Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity.(No problem …)

Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable. (Glad to hear it.)

I am very detail-oreinted. (With the possible exception of spelling)

I can play well with others. (Well be sure to tell your mommy.)

Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel. (A new twist on work-family balance.)

Objection: To utilize my skills in sales. (Have you considered law school?)

My salary requirement is $34 per year. (They say money isnt everything.)

Served as assistant sore manager. (Ouch.)

Work history: Bum. Abandoned belongings and led nomadic lifestyle. (So youre willing to travel?)

I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live. (And they say loyalty is hard to come by.)

Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice presidents girlfriend could steal my job. (Were glad youre not bitter.)

Deregulation of the chickens side of the road was threatening its
dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant
challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly
competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship
with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical
distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry
Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its skills,
methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chickens
people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy
within a Program Management framework. Andersen Consulting convened a
diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with
Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to
engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their
personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them
to synergize with each other in order to achievethe implicit goals of
delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an
enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry
cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park like setting
enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically
based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified
market message and aligned with the chickens mission, vision, and core
values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business
integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken change to
become more successful.

I hope that this will finally answer the question and end all the
controversy surrounding it once and for all.

Dear yall:

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve your area on Christmas Eve. Because of recent changes in my union contract renegotiated by North American Elves Local 209, I now serve only eastern Canada, certain areas of Wisconsin and the Michigan Upper Peninsula.

However, Im certain that your children will be in good hands with my replacement, my third cousin by my first wife, from the South Pole, Bubba Claus. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls, but there are a few differences between us, such as:

There is no danger of a Grinchs stealing presents from Bubba Claus, who has a gun rack in his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: These toys insured by Smith and Wesson.

Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC and pork skins on the fireplace. And Bubba doesnt smoke a pipe. He does dip a little snuff, though, so please have a spit can handy.

Bubba Claus sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin coon dogs instead of reindeer. I lent him my reindeer one time, and Rudolphs head now rests over Bubbas fireplace.

You wont hear On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen … when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, youll hear, On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Boudreaux. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty.

Ho, ho, ho! has been replaced by Yeehaw! And you also are likely to hear Bubbas elves respond, I heard that!

As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus sleigh does have a bumper sticker for non-traditional vehicles: If you are close enough to read this … you aint gettin no presents!

The usual Christmas movie classics such as Miracle on 34th Street and Ernest Saves Christmas will not be shown in your area. Instead, youll see some really classes movies about Bubba Claus made in the late 1970s. Many feature Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus, Jackie Gleason as a Grinch who says You scumbum! a lot, and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

Bubba Claus doesnt wear a belt. Id turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree. Plumbers cleavage is NOT a pretty sight.

Lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, including Elvis Here Comes Santa Claus and Madonnas remake of Santa Baby. Until this year, songs about Bubba Claus have been played only on AM radio stations in Mississippi. They include such classics as Mark Chesnutts Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox, David Allan Coes Willie, Waylon, Bubba Claus and Me, and Hank Williams Jr.s If You Dont Like Bubba Claus, You Can Kiss My Icicle.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa

Q: What do you get when you have Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and Dolly Parton in the same room?

A: Two big boobs and a country music star.

Edward Lear, the 19th century English landscape painter, wrote affectionately of a favorite Duchess who gave enormous dinner parties attended by the cream of society.

One night she let out a ripper of a fart and quick as a flash, she turned her gaze to her stoic butler, standing, as always, behind her.

Hawkins! she cried, Stop that!

Certainly, your Grace., he replied with unhurried dignity, Which way did it go?

There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs six miles every day.

One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body and notices that he is suntanned all over with the one exception of his penis, which he readily decides to do something about.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he leaves sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she begins to move it around with the cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she says, There is really no justice in the world.

The other little old lady says, What do you mean by that?

The first little old lady says, Look at that – When I was 20 – I was curious about it. When I was 30 – I enjoyed it. When I was 40 – I asked for it. When I was 50 – I paid for it. When I was 60 – I prayed for it. When I was 70 – I forgot about it. Now that Im 80, the damn things are growing wild, and Im too old to squat!