Llega un señor con su hijita a una jugueterÃa. La niña ve las Barbie y le pregunta a la señorita que atendÃa, oiga, ¿cuánto cuesta la Barbie doctora?
100 pesos, responde la dependiente.
¿La rockera?
Cien pesos.
¿La ama de casa?
100 pesos.
¿La deportista?
100 pesos.
¿La Barbie divorciada?
500 pesos.
¡500 pesos!, ¿por qué ésa cuesta más que las otras?, cuestiona la niña.
¡Ah, porque la Barbie divorciada incluye la casa en la playa de Ken, su convertible y su mansión!
Iban de paseo una ratita y un murciélago por la alcantarilla. En eso, se encuentran con otra rata que se burla:
¡Jo, tÃa, que novio más feo tienes!
SÃ, pero es piloto, responde muy digna la otra.
A New York family bought a ranch out West where they intended to raise cattle. Friends came to visit and asked if the ranch had a name.
Well, said the would-be-cattleman. I wanted to call it the Bar-J. My wife favored the Suzy-Q. One son liked the Flying-W, and the other son wanted the Lazy-Y. So, were calling it the Bar-J-Suzy-Q-Flying-W-Lazy-Y.
But where are all your cattle?
So far, none have survived the branding.
A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didnt believe in Heaven or Hell.
Marry him anyway dear. the Mother said. Between the two of us, well show him just how wrong he is.
A man complained to his friend, My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.
His friend offered, Dont do that!!! Theres a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.
The man figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noises and the various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy labor
It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.
He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard
Get a water softener
Your dog has worms
Give him vitamins
Your daughters on drugs
Put her in rehab
Your wifes pregnant
It aint yours – get a lawyer
And if you dont stop jerking off,
your tennis elbow will never get better.
You might be a redneck if…
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, …. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, The sky is falling, the sky is falling!
The teacher paused then asked the class, And what do you think that farmer said?
One little girl raised her hand and said, I think he said: Holy Shit! A talking chicken!
When theres traffic behind you, always drive 8-20 MPH below the posted limit.When driving at a slower speed, stay in the left-most lane.When traveling with pets, make sure they sit on your lap with half their body hanging out the window.If you own a pick-up truck, transport your ugliest family members on the flat bed and make sure they stare at other drivers.Use the top of your car to transport cargo and make sure everything is loosely tied, if tied at all.When carrying large things on the roof of your car, drive with your left arm out the window and use your feeble little hand to keep the cargo from falling off.Whenever possible, children should sit on your lap.Whenever possible, cut off other drivers and slow down.You always have the right of way.Slow down drastically for every little bump in the road.Maintain flex-time at work so that you can drive around leisurely when others are rushing to get to work on time.Whenever you see a police car, even parked, slam on the brakes and drive 15-20 MPH slower than the speed limit.While traveling down residential streets, drive 2 MPH and look at all the houses and landscaping. In fact, look everywhere except out the front windshield.Feel free to give other drivers the middle finger at will. If they do it back, wait until you get to the next red light, get out of your car and beat the living daylights out of them (in LA, shoot them).If you have a car phone, use it as much as possible and pay little attention to the road. If you have no one to call, hold the phone up to your ear and pretend.Swerve into the opposite lanes to avoid hitting roadside obstacles… like Styrofoam cups and Twinkie wrappers.
What do you get when you have 32 rednecks in a room? A full set of teeth.
Heres the next installment of politically correct TV shows coming up in the fall TV season, complete with ratings supplied by Big Brother (offensive to the politically correct, the differently abled, Bill Clinton and his fans, and liberal apologists):
Thursday nights programs:
The Simpsons:
For his Eagle Scout community service project, Bart develops a workable plan to convert Springfields nuclear power plant into a solar facility.
Guest voice: Vice President Al Gore.
Ratings: S/MU, WW, RPSE.
American Playhouse: Young Mr. Clinton:
In a performance entitled Doobie-ous Battle, while protesting the Vietnam War in England, Bill smokes marijuana without inhaling. Part 12 of 15.
Next week: To Russia with Love.
Ratings: S/MU, ISS, PCMM.
L.A. Law:
Douglas finally signs on to a plan to turn McKenzie-Brackman into a non-profit legal defense clinic. Stuart realizes the political justification of his beating during the L.A. riots and agrees to represent his attackers when the state brings new charges against them. Under the Americans with Disabilities Act, Benny makes partner.
Ratings: S/MU, ALG, RPSE.
Ratings key:
S/MU: spiritual or moral uplift;
ISS: implied safe sex;
WW: win-win solution to intractable social disease or problem;
ALG: ameliorated liberal guilt;
VATCOT: violence avoided through court-ordered therapy;
PCMM: potentially contradictory moral message;
RPSE: reinforcement of positive self-esteem.
From the April 1994 issue of *Reason* magazine. Copyright 1994 by the Reason Foundation, 3415 S.Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 400, Los Angeles,CA 90034.