Q: Which of the following does not belong: AIDS, gonorrhea, herpes, or Bill Clinton?
A: Gonorrhea–it can be cured.
16
Oct
16
Oct
Un hombre lleva a su mujer a una clÃnica para ser sometida a una intervención quirúrgica. Como fue una larga operación, el tipo regresa a su casa para atender a sus hijos que habÃan quedado solos. Más tarde, llama a la clÃnica para enterarse del resultado de la operación.
Buenas tardes, ¿Quién habla?
Hola, ¿es la clÃnica?
Sà señor.
Le habla Pedro Ripiales. Quiero saber cómo salió mi esposa…
Pero en ese momento, el teléfono se liga con un taller de reparaciones que estaba hablando con un cliente por el arreglo de una motocicleta.
Hola, hola, ¿me están oyendo?
Perfectamente, señor. En cosa de dos dÃas se la entregaremos.
Entonces, ¿todo va bien?
SÃ, ¡pero qué problemático fue! La desmontamos toda por dentro. TenÃa muchÃsimas cosas en mal estado, pero ya las cambiamos y dentro de dos dÃas va a poder montarla.
¿Montarla?
Sin miedo alguno. Le cortamos el tubo de admisión porque lo tenÃa muy largo. ¡Se ve que usted le da duro!
Pero, señor…
El desgaste de las paredes nos lo demuestra. Usted deberÃa engrasarla más a menudo.
¡Eso es demasiado señor!
Además, debo decirle que su pistón está muy usado. No vale nada. Como usted comprenderá, le introdujimos un pistón más grueso que el suyo y hemos quedado sorprendidos del resultado. También le ampliamos el tubo de escape que estaba abollado.
¿Del escape?
SÃ, por donde salen los gases. Estaba casi completamente tapado, pero ahora quedó que da gusto.
¿Pero, qué mierda?
No se inquiete, que ahora todo marcha bien. Yo mismo la probé. Después la hemos montado siete y con todos se ha portado maravillosamente.
16
Oct
Una señora divorciada enviaba todos los meses a su hijo a que le pidiera la mensualidad a su ex-marido. El señor cae en la cuenta de que el muchacho ya habÃa cumplido 18 años, y decide que ya no le darÃa nada. El joven llegó, como de costumbre, y el tipo le suelta:
Dile a tu madre que ya cumpliste 18 años, y que ya no tengo ninguna obligación de mantenerte. Y que cómo la ve desde ahÃ.
El mozuelo va con su madre y le cuenta lo que dijo el hombre, finalizando la información asÃ:
… y por último me dijo: Y que cómo la ve desde ahÃ.
Regresa y dile a ese viejo que gracias por los 18 años que te mantuvo, y que él no es tu padre y que cómo la ve desde ahÃ.
16
Oct
The secret of success is sincerity.
Once you can fake that youve got it made.
16
Oct
Q: Which is harder to make? A blonde, brunette or a red-headed snowman? A: A blonde, because you have to hollow out its head,
16
Oct
The San Francisco Zoo has an elephant, named Calle. It seems that Calle has a chronic illness which requires daily medication. The zoo people couldnt get Calle to take her dose orally, so a pharmacologist developed a suppository for her.
The 10-inch-long, four-pound, cocoa-butter bullets are crafted by the good folks at Guittard Chocolates in Burlingame, California.
Administering the DAILY medication takes five zoo workers, including one person to distract Calle with treats and one person who wears a full-arm glove.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT ALL THIS MEANS?
It means that five people have jobs worse than yours!
Now stop complaining and get back to work.
16
Oct
Picassos mistress was losing her eyesight so he took her to an opthomologist in Paris. Upon examination, the doctor reported that nothing could be done and she would soon become blind. Picasso then sought out the best eye doctor in all of France, but got the same prognosis. He even took her to the best doctor in all of Europe, to no avail.
He then decided to take her for a trip around the world so that she could see the sights before totally losing eyesight. They were in San Francisco when they saw a sign reading Sam Smith-Eye Doctor, Free Consultation. Picasso figured that it couldnt do any harm to try this doctor as she was going to be blind anyway.
After a thorough examination, Dr. Smith reported that when he did an operation in cases like hers that it would cure her. Picasso agreed to have the operation performed.
After the operation and a few weeks of recovery, the doctor removed the bandages, and what do you know, she could see 20/20. Picasso was overjoyed and said ,Doctor, tell me your fee. I am a very rich man and will pay whatever you ask.
Mr. Picasso, the doctor replied I only ask my usual fee of $100.
Well then, continued Picasso, To reward you handsomely, I will paint a mural on your waiting room wall. When I am finished, we will invite the art critics to see it.
The doctor agreed to this offer because the room needed a paint job anyway. So Picasso labors behind a curtain for three weeks and when he is finished, invitations are sent to the press for a showing.
On the chosen date the critics crowd into the waiting room and when all are ready, Picasso pulls down the curtain and there on the wall is a great big eye. Thats all, just a giant size eye.
Great, the critics all exclaim. This is one of Picassos greatest masterpieces.
Picasso nudges the doctor and says Well, Sam, what did I tell you?
The doctor replies Its a good thing Im not a gynecologist!
16
Oct
Three friends die in a caraccident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked,"When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would youlike to hear them say about you?"The first guy says,"Iwould like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great familyman."The second guy says,"I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a schoolteacher who made ahuge difference in our children of tomorrow."The last guy replies,"I would like to hear them say… LOOK, HES MOVING!"
16
Oct
Right up there with military intelligence
Some favorite Oxymorons
assistant supervisor
new tradition
original copy
plastic glass
uninvited guest
highly depressed
live recording
authentic reproduction
partial cease-fire
limited lifetime guarantee
elevated subway
dry lake
true replica
forward lateral
standard options
mandatory volunteer
mutual differences
nondairy creamer
open secret
resident alien
silent alarm
sports sedan
wireless cable
mercy killing
lethal assistance (Contra aid)
business ethics
friendly fire
genuine veneer
full-time day care
death benefits
holy war
16
Oct
The first is a cunning array of stunts!