Old and New Jokes

Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, we contract out for things like that.

Hablan un mecánico y un médico, el mecánico le dice al médico:

Doctor, la verdad que Usted y yo tenemos trabajos parecidos, fíjese, yo arreglo automóviles, usted arregla personas… yo arreglo motores, usted opera corazones.

– Si claro… ¿pero tú arreglas los motores encendidos?

Un pequeño de 4 años tiene una hermana de 18 años. En una ocasión, al cruzar por el dormitorio de su hermana, el niño observa a través de la puerta entreabierta a la chica, totalmente desnuda, frente al espejo acariciándose apasionadamente el cuerpo, al tiempo que murmuraba:

¡Ah, cómo deseo un hombre! ¡Cómo deseo tener un hombre! ¡Lo deseo tanto! ¡Sííí, lo deseooooo!

Y la joven se acariciaba más y más.

Más tarde, el chiquitín va al jardín y encuentra a su hermana con el novio cuando estaban en lo más lindo del amor: besos y caricias y grandes manoseos.

Entonces, el niño sale corriendo a su dormitorio, se desnuda completamente, se para frente al espejo y comienza a acariciarse el cuerpo diciendo:

¡Un ticiclo… quiedo un ticiclo! ¡Aggg, cómo deseo un ticiclo!

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Dont never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And dont start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Dont overuse exclamation marks!!

Nothing is as temporary as that which is called permanent.

In a restroom at IBMs Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it — THINK!

The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read — THOAP!

A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

From The Guardian weekly, January 9 1994

David Rowan presents the Excessively Distorted Language Awards for 1993

There is Usually a word for it

Camille Paglia Award for Verbal Pomposity

To Camille Paglia whose answering machine message goes like this: You have reached the voicemail line of Professor Camille Paglia. Due to her pressing obligations as a teacher and scholar, Professor Paglia cannot personally return calls. Do not send faxes: Professor Paglia does not accept them. All packages are opened and inspected by the staff. Unsolicited materials without return postage may be automatically discarded. Urgent messges may be left on the tape to be reviewed by the staff. If you do not receive a reply to your letter or call, please assume that Profesor Paglia is not interested in your proposal …

Native Californian Political Correctness Award

RUNNER UP: Santa Cruz city council, which debated a motion to outlaw lookism, the practice of judging people by their looks, on the basis that some faced discrimination because they were cosmetically challenged. WINNER: the Los angeles Times, which banned words such as crazy, holy rollers, babe, queer and ghetto. This last decision caused some problem for a Washington Post reporter, keen to discuss the film White men Cant Jump but careful to retitle it There May Be Anthropological Differences That Account For Variation in Personal Vertical Lift, Though These Do Not of Course Imply the Kinetic Inferiority of One Ethnic Group Vis-a-Vis Another.

Economical With The Actualite Euphemism Award

RUNNER-UP: General Motors, whose early-retirement programme – in true job-seekers allowance mode–is known as special accelerated attrition. WINNER: Stephen Pollard, lawyer for the MP George Foulkes, who was found with a rather high level of alcohol in his blood. Mr Pollard said that his client had been at a whisky party as befits an MP concerned with the blending industry.

Roger Levitt Award For Openness in The City

To those market analysts who decided it was just too awkward being seen making sell recommendations on certain stocks. So they decided that sell should officially be re-named hold and then strong hold when the masses got wind of what they meant. Finally they decided that, regarding dodgy shares, theyd now be aggressively neutral.

Seriously Lost in Translation Award

WINNER: the Black Dyke Mills brass band, celebrated in Yorkshire since 1815, and due to play Carnegie Hall, New York, last year. Until the hall detected that black and dyke might offend both the race and gay lobbies in one and suggested re-naming it the British Mills Brass Band – a national insult, an outrageous suggestion ….

Ronnie Kray Award For East-End Cultural Enrichment

To Mohammed Ali Abdulslarmov, a 23 year-old Russian studying at Nottingham University, who called upon to translate (sic) when an elderly Russian patient had trouble breathing. He has run out of his breath climbing the old apples and pears, the student told doctors, and he doesnt know where theyve put his whistle and flute.

Mohammed, it transpired, had concluded that Cockney slang was the backbone of nineties English, having learned most of it from watching Only Fools And Horses and Minder.

GLN (Good-Looking Nerd) : Can I help you?

MHP (Mississippi Highway Patrolman) : Do you know how fast you were
going, boy?

GLN : Im not sure. The needle doesnt reach the high numbers very well.
I would estimate somewhere between 80 and 85, closer to 85.

MHP : You were going 84 miles an hour.

GLN : See, I was close. I mustve been going uphill.

MHP : What was that?

GLN : Oh, nothing. Is there some reason you pulled me over?

MHP : Im going to have to give you a ticket, boy.

GLN : No thank you.

MHP : What was that?

GLN : If its all the same to you, Id just as soon you keep your
ticket. I dont really have any use for one.

MHP : Dont try to weasel your way out of this, boy. Im going to
give you a ticket.

GLN : What for?

MHP : WHAT FOR??? Speeding, thats what!

GLN : You mean youre going to give me a ticket for going two miles
per hour over the speed limit?

MHP : TWO MILES??? Dont you know what the speed limit is, boy?

GLN : Its posted on the white sign with black letters, right?

MHP : Right.

GLN : 82. Thats what the sign said, 82.

MHP : Thats not the speed limit. This is highway 82.

GLN : I thought this was highway 55. It goes through Winona.

MHP : 55 is the speed limit. This is highway 82. I-55 goes through
Memphis and Jackson.

GLN : But Im going to Starkville, not Memphis or Jackson. You must
be confused.

MHP : This is NOT I-55. This IS highway 82, and it does go to Starkville.

GLN : Thats right. Im going to Starkville on highway 55, and the
speed limit is 82. I dont think you should give me a ticket for
going two miles over the speed limit.

MHP : The speed limit is 55. Didnt you see the sign with the words
SPEED LIMIT and the number 55 on it?

GLN : I was wondering why they would write that on the sign telling the
name of the highway.

MHP : It ISNT the highway sign. The highway is 82, and the speed limit
is 55.

GLN : Do you think you could hurry up and get to the point? Im kind of
in a hurry.

MHP : Is this your car?

GLN : Yes, do you like it?

MHP : Would you turn down that music?

GLN : Its Aretha Franklin. It goes with the car, dont you think?
What are you doing?

MHP : Im writing you a ticket.

GLN : For going two miles over the speed limit?

MHP : No, for going TWENTY-NINE miles an hour over the speed limit.

GLN : Do you think thats unsafe?

MHP : Absolutely. Its very unsafe.

GLN : If I was going so fast, then how did you catch me?

MHP : Well, uh…

GLN : Do you think its safe for you to drive that fast?

MHP : Yes. Ive been trained for high-speed pursuit.

GLN : Dont you think its rather hypocritical of you to be giving me
a ticket? How many wrecks have you had?

MHP : Thats irrelevant.

GLN : Did you see that?

MHP : What?

GLN : That black car just sideswiped your patrol car and kept going.
If you hurry, you can probably catch him.

MHP : #@*%^$! And thats my new patrol car, too. You wait here while
I apprehend that criminal!

GLN : Yeah, right.

[Ed: A work of fiction]

Humankinds propensity for imposing anthropomorphic characteristics on inanimate objects has now reached computers. But, which gender should your PC be?

Here are the top ten reasons why they have to be male.

They have a lot of data, but theyre still clueless.

A better model is just around the corner.

They look nice and shiny until you get them home.

Its always essential to have a backup.

Theyll do whatever you want if you push the right buttons.

The best part of having one is the games you can play.

In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

The lights are on but nobodys home.

Big power surges knock them out at night.

Size does matter.

But then again, here are the top ten reasons why they are obviously female.

Theyre oh so picky, picky, picky.

They hear what you say, but not what you mean.

Beauty is only shell deep.

When you ask them whats wrong, they always say nothing.

They can produce incorrect results with alarming speed.

They are always turning simple statements into big productions.

Small talk is important.

You do the same thing for years, and suddenly its wrong.

They make you take the garbage out.

Miss a period and they go wild.