Old and New Jokes

Q: How can you steal the window seat of a blonde on a plane going to London?



A: Tell her all the seats that are going to London are in the middle row.

Q. Whats the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

A. Location of the dirt bag.

Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast?

A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving!

Now read:

Lesser Known Sequels of the Classics
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Metamorphosis II

Gregor Samsa goes through another mystical transformation,
this time from a giant cockroach into a lounge singer. The
few people who still felt any compassion for him are now
totally repulsed, and he moves away to Vegas.

Taming of the Shrew II: Whos the Shrew?

The antics begin when Petruchio and Katherines daughter
Bianca (named after her aunt) comes of age and turns out to
be quite a shrew herself. Katherine at first tries to convince
her daughter that good manners are the right way, then turns
back to shrewishness herself to show her daughter how
unattractive it can be. This all builds to the hilarious
climactic scene, where Petruchio beats them both into
submission with an ax handle.

Huck Finn II

Huck has grown up and propspered as a certified public
accountant. He decides he likes civilzation after all, though
he never does take to wearing shoes, thus his nickname, the
barefoot bookkeeper. Jim leaves the Indians and gets his
law degree, and eventually defends the King and Duke who are
up on a racketeering charge.

Lysistrata II

Once again, Lysistrata convinces the women of Athens to
boycott sex, this time to convince the men not to lay around
and watch wrestling on Sundays. Cinesias tries to convince
Myrrhine to lie with him while watching wrestling, but she
teases him and then refuses. Some of the men try goats, but
decide they dont like them. Eventually the men give in.

The Farther Adventures of Robinson Crusoe

Robinson Crusoe uses the money he inherited from the
Brazilian plantation to start up a small cruise company. One
day while taking out five passengers on a three hour tour to
the Isle of Wight, a storm breaks out. He and his first mate
Friday (a mighty sailing man) do their best, but lose control
of the boat. Eventually, it crashes on a deserted island.
The rest of the book describes the antics that occur when
they almost get rescued several times, but Friday screws it
up each time.

Undeath of a Salesman

Willy Loman comes back from the dead as a vampire. His
hypnotic control over his customers reestablishes his life
as a salesman. He convinces Biff (no relation to B1FF) to
go into professional football, where he becomes a big star
but loses respect for his father when he does an advertizement
for nylons.

The Divine Tragedy

In this controversial sequel, Dante travels through New
York City, Billings (Montana), and Salt Lake City. The
controversy is over the origin. Joseph Smith claimed that
Dante dictated this book to him in dreams, which literary
critics have shown a lot of skepticism about.

The Bible II

Of the Dead Sea Scrolls, these were the only ones that
were deliberately lost. They recount the tale of how Jesus
descended back out of Heaven and became a lounge singer.
Even his staunchest followers deserted him for this, and
when Peter finally left he moved to Vegas and got a regular
gig at the Tropicana changing water into wine.

Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach.

The girl lobster suggested that the boy lobster go get them an ice cream cone.

Having purchased two cones, Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished the ice cream, he realized that his girlfriends had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it too.

When he arrived back at the beach Ms Lobster exclaimed Wheres my ice cream cone?

Well, he said. I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too.

She was incensed and cried You shellfish bastard!!

Johnny had just received his brand new drivers license. The family goes out to the driveway and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the new driver.

Ill bet youre back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive, says the beaming boy to the his dad.

Nope, comes dads reply, Im gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like youve been doing to me all these years!

I found this warning on a small utility knife in MITs lab supply:

Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.

A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer are driving down a mountain road when the brakes fail. They scream down the mountain gaining speed every second and screeching around corners. Finally they manage to stop, more by luck than by judgment, mere inches from a thousand-foot drop to the jagged rocks on the valley floor. More than slightly shaken, they emerge from the car.

I think I can fix it, says the computer engineer.

The systems analyst says, No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist examine it.

The programmer holds his chin between thumb and forefinger and says, Okay, but first I think we ought to get back in and see if it does it again.

A blind man arrives at a lumber camp & asks for a job. The boss advises him due to the fact he is blind & lumber work is very dangerous there are no available postions. The blind man protests & advises the boss he is able to identify trees buy smell & could go out ahead of the cutting crew & mark whatever trees were to be cut that day.

The boss decides to give him a try & takes him out to the lumber yard outside. The first piece of wood he comes to he hands it to the blind man who then passes it under his nose & advises it Fir



The boss is impressed & picksup a second piece of wood.Again the blind man passes it under his nose & advises its Redwood. This continues all around the lumber yard & the blind man never makes a mistake. The secetary has seen this display & decides to throw a curve at this lumber expert. Taking a ruler she runs it between her legs & passes it to the foreman who inturn hands it to the blindman, he smells the ruler & appears confused, finally he advises he is not sure but its either Pussy Willow or a board off an Old Shit House.