Old and New Jokes

Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community…. and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, Gosh, Id really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting

to go in the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.



Do you have anything you want to say? asked the executioner,

strapping him in.

No, replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and

nothing happened.



Under this particular States law, if an execution attempt fails, the

prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.



Then the biologist was brought forward.

Do you have anything you want to say?

No, just get on with it.

The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the

biologist was released.



Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.

Do you have anything you want to say? asked the executioner.

Yes, replied the engineer. If you swap the red and the blue wires over,

you might make this thing work.

A lady on vacation took a stroll through the woods.
Suddenly a little white duck, all covered with poop, crossed her path.

Oh, my, exclaimed the lady, Come on, Ill clean you!
She took a Kleenex from her purse and cleaned the little critter.

She walked a little farther and another duck, with poop all over it, crossed her way. Again she took a Kleenex and cleaned the little bird.

Then she encountered a third duck, with the same problem.
And for the third time, she acted like a Florence Nightingale.

She walked on still farther and she heard a voice from the bushes calling… Pssssst…Hey, lady!

Yes? she responded.
Do you have a Kleenex? asked the voice from the bushes.

No, not anymore, she answered.
Damn! Have ya seen any Ducks?

Yo mama so fat that every time she goes to McDonalds they have to change the sign.

The bridge connecting Boston and Cambridge (Massachusetts) via
Massachusetts Avenue is commonly know as the Harvard Bridge. When it
was built, the state offered to name the bridge for the Cambridge school
that could present the best claim for the honor. Harvard submitted an
essay detailing its contributions to education in America, concluding
that it deserved the honor of having a bridge leading into Cambridge
named for the institution. MIT did a structural analysis of the bridge
and found it so full of defects that they agreed that it should be named
for Harvard.

He loved her very much. He wanted this Valentines day to be special, so he had ordered a bottle of her favorite liquor imported from France and it had arrived in time for the occasion.

On his way home, he stopped at the local florist. He had planned to have a bouquet made with her favorite flower, white anemones. But to his dismay, he found that the florist had sold all her flowers and had only a few sterns of feathery ferns left for decoration.

In a moment of
inspiration, he had the answer. He asked the florist to make a bouquet using the flask of liquor instead of flowers and what she produced was magnificent well beyond his expectations. He added a card, and proceeded home.

When he arrived, his wife was beautiful in her most elegant gown, and it was apparent that she had spent much of the day preparing a romantic candlelight dinner for the two of them.

He presented her with his gift, and she opened the card to read, Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder. With a tear in her eye, she whispered to him lovingly, Yes, and with fronds like these, who needs anemones.

A
Minister decided that a visual demonstration would
add emphasis to
his
Sunday Sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate
jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette
smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of good clean
soil.
At the conclusion of the Sermon, the Minister reported
the following

results: The first worm in alcohol — dead.

Second worm in cigarette smoke — dead.

Third worm in sperm — dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation — "What
can you learn from
this
demonstration?
A little old woman in the back quickly raised her
hand and said; "As
long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you wont
have worms."

There was a boy riding on his bike outside a church.

The priest saw him and told him to come into the church and the boy said,…But theyll steal my bike.

The priest explained how the Holy Spirit would take care of it, so they went inside.

The priest showed the boy how to make the sign of the cross and told the boy to repeat it…In the name of the Father, The Son…Amen

The priest said,What about the Holy Spirit?

The boy replied, Its outside taking care of my bike!

1. Call.
2. Dont lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules No Petting.
6. The correct answer to Do I look fat? is never, ever Yes.
7. Ditto for Is she prettier than me?
8. Victorias Secret is good. Fredericks of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. Honey, Darling, and Sweetheart are good. Nag, Lardass, and Bitch are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isnt an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering Who was that on the phone? with Nobody is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for Whose lipstick is this?
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, youre probably not more attractive when youre drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. Youre wrong.
26. Youre sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on wrestling.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. Will you marry me? is good. Lets shack up together is bad.
31. Dont assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Dont assume PMS doesnt exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice ( Primo … and thats NOT PMS 🙂 )
34. But, we kiss… is not justification for using her toothbrush. You dont clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Dont whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Dont act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Dont tell her you love her if you dont.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentines Day, and any cheesy anniversary she so-names.
45. Dont try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Dont let your friends pick on her.
48. Call… and call again.
49. Dont lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go thru labor while you are sitting on your ass smoking cigars isnt fair either, and it balances everything else out.

Caught napping at work, school, or church…try this one.

Guaranteed to work!

Just pick your head up real fast and say:

…in JESUS name…AMEN!

(he-he…how can they yell at you for this 🙂

ADDENDUM: For some reason, it wont work in a Synagogue?