Old and New Jokes

Clinton in 1996–NOT!!

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Baby dragons

A young Jewish couple had only recently set up housekeeping when an unfortunate incident occurred.

Early one morning, the wife, drowsy from bed, went to the toilet for the mornings relief, and neglected to notice that the seat was up. When she sat, she kept going! She was just the right size and shape so that she became jammed into the toilet past her waist with her legs sticking straight up in front of her.

She cried for her husband, who rushed in, and for the next hour tried desperately to extricate her. In this process they removed her sleeping gown, but this only left her naked and still stuck, with a particular part of her anatomy prominently visible between her splayed legs.

Finally, the couple resolved to call a plumber, despite the embarrassing nature of their problem.

When the plumber arrived, the young man let him in, but as they were walking to the bathroom, the young man realized that his wife was exposed in a very compromising and humiliating way.

Thinking fast, he ran ahead of the plumber and placed the first thing he could think of, his yamulka skull cap, over his wifes exposed privates.

The plumber walked into the bathroom, took one long look, and commented: Well, I think I can save your wife, buddy, but the Rabbis a goner.

If your child asks how Santa Claus gets into the house, just tell him he comes in through a large hole in daddys wallet.

Your neighbours are an arsehole and two nuts.
Your best friends a cunt.
Youve only got one eye, and you cant see through it.
You always have to wear a collar
and whenever you get excited you throw up.

I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.

– David Bissonette

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

– Zsa Zsa Gabor

Im an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.

– Zsa Zsa Gabor

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

– Sacha Guitry

Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out.

– Montaigne

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just cant face each other, but still they stay together.

— Hemant Joshi

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

– Lana Turner

Marriage is a great institution, but Im not ready for an institution.

– Mae West

I was married by a judge…I should have asked for a jury.

– George Burns

Unknown Author Quotes

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Therefore …

Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Marriages are made in heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the Y becomes silent.

Do not marry a person that you know that you can live with; only marry someone that you cannot live without.

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Behind every successful man stands an amazed Mother-in-Law!

When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, its $3.95 a minute.

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Jews had to leave the Vatican. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Jewish community. So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Jewish community. If the Jew won, the Jews could stay. If the Pope won, the Jews would leave. The Jews realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle aged man named Moishe to represent them. Moishe asked for one addition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk. The pope agreed.


The day of the great debate came. Moishe and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Moishe looked back at him and raised one finger.

The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Moishe pulled out an apple. The Pope stood up and said, I give up. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.

An hour later, the cardinals were all around the Pope asking him what happened. The Pope said: First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?

Meanwhile, the Jewish community had crowded around Moishe. What happened? they asked. Well, said Moishe, First he said to me that the Jews had three days to get out of here. I told him that not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Jews. I let him know that we were staying right here.

And then? asked a woman.

I dont know, said Moishe. He took out his lunch and I took out mine.

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect. Easy, she replied. He only has one eye. The chief was stunned. He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it! He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him. He only has one ear, was her answer. What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side! He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer. After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, Hes wearing contact lenses. This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldnt tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that! Well, she said, he cant wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?

1. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

2. You dont care where your spouse goes, just as long as you dont have to go along.

3. Getting a little action means I dont need fiber today.

4. Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

5. An all-nighter means not getting up to pee!