Old and New Jokes

Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in.

An elderly couple are both lying in bed one morning, having just awaken from a good nights sleep.

He takes her hand and she responds, Dont touch me.

Why not, he asks. She answers back, Because Im dead.

The husband says to her, What are you talking about? Were both lying here in bed together and talking to one another.

The wife says, No, Im definitely dead.

Her husband insists, Youre not dead. What in the world makes you think youre dead?

His wife answers, I know Im dead, because I woke up this morning and nothing hurts!

Un mexicano fue a visitar a su compadre a Japón: ¡Compadrito! ¿Cómo le va? Bien, compadre, ¿y a usted? Muy bien, compadre, oiga qué secretaria tan buenota tiene. Pues ahí como la ve es una robot. ¿Una robot, pues cómo está eso? Mire, le aprieta un seno y toma dictado, le aprieta el otro y escribe a maquina; y eso no es todo, hace el amor mejor que cualquier mujer. No me diga… Si es una maravilla, si quiere se la presto.

El hombre se mete a la oficina de su compadre, y de repente se escuchan unos gritos desesperados. Aaaay, aaaaay, aaaaay… Entra el compadre y le dice: Perdóneme compadrito, se me olvidó decirle que por atrás es sacapuntas.

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?

A: Foreign Ambassador

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

Well, Bill, Im really confused on this call; Im not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows 95. Im going to do something Ive never done before in your case; Im going to let you decide where you want to go.



Bill replied, well, whats the difference between the two?



St. Peter said, Im willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.



Fine, but where should I go first?



Ill leave that up to you.



Okay then, said Bill, Lets try Hell first.



So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.



This is great! he told St. Peter. If this is hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!



Fine, said St. Peter, and off they went.



Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.



Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.



Hmmm. I think Id prefer Hell, he told St. Peter.



Fine, retorted St. Peter, as you desire.



So Bill Gates went to Hell.



Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.



Hows everything going? he asked Bill.



Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I cant believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!??? That was a demo, replied St. Peter.

A black man is dying of thirst in the desert when he finds a gennie in a bottle.
The gennie grants him three wishes.

He says First I want a lot of water, Second I want to be white,
and third I want a lot of pretty naked women to sit on me

When he came to he was a toliet at the Waldorf Astoria.

You might be a redneck if…
People are scared to touch your wifes bathrobe.

You might be a redneck if you study for a blood test.

You might be a redneck if…
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.

Jim, Jodi, and Sharon are real people, their last names have been withheld.

> Date: 5/27/94 10:02 AM
> To: Jim
> From: Jodi
> If you plan to attend Sharons luncheon, please let me
> know your selection by Tuesday, June 7 ($10/person). The choices
> are:
>
> –Broiled Sole Fillets-lightly seasoned or stuffed and served with
> rice pilaf
> –Popcorm Shrimp-bite sized breaded shrimp served with a baked
> potato
> –Grilled Chicken Breast-marinated boneless chicken breast served
> with rice pilaf
> OR
> –Chicken Fresco-baked chicken tenderloins & vegatables all in a
> light garlic & parmesan cheese sauce, served over linguini with
> fresh brocolli
>
> Thanks! Jodi

Dear Jodi,

Thank you for arranging this luncheon for Sharon. Im deciding what
to order, and I have a question.

What about us carnivores? I want meat. Red raw meat. I want them
to lead it in on a rope and I want it to moo when I bite into it. I
dont want anybody I know to see me eating rice pilaf or chicken
Fresco. In fact I dont want anybody who knows anybody I know to
see me doing so. I want a dignified American meal of steak and
potatoes by God, served with flagons of blood-red wine. I want
Hungarian red wine, with a picture of a cow on the label. I want to
think about Eastern Europeans making this wine for slave wages and
making it badly. I want the whole bottle. I want several. I want it
served on a white tablecloth and I want that tablecloth to be so
soiled when were done that it cant even be used for rags. I want a
meal to remember, in the midst of bawdy company. I want someone
to tell off-color jokes and I want us all to laugh till we cry. I want
some of us to discover that the person weve mumbled at as weve
passed in the halls these last 5 years is a sexual rogue. I want several
people to fail to return to work afterward. I want to see a
disciplinary memo sent down from the directors office in the wake
of all this. I want the restaurant to refuse to serve anyone from the
Lab for the next two years. I want to generate gossip. I want media
coverage. I want arrests. I want some careers to be launched and
others destroyed. I want this luncheon to divide time into a before
and an after. Despite her acute embarrassment at all this, I want
Sharon to change her mind and stay.

Thats what I REALLY want. I just KNOW youre going to tell me I
cant have it. So Ill get back to you with my food order.