Old and New Jokes

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

An wots this then? he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butchers shins.

You dumb dog. As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff thats been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Wholl know?

Again, the dog growls menacingly. Alright, alright, as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dogs owner screams at the dog.

Hey, what are you doing? Thats a really smart dog youve got there, comments the butcher.

Hes a stupid dog–thats the third time this week hes forgotten his key.

Antes: Dos por noche. Después: Dos por mes.

Antes: ¡Me dejas sin aliento! Después: ¡Me estás ahogando!

Antes: ¡No pares! Después: ¡No empieces!

Antes: Saturday Night Fever. Después: Monday Night Football.

Antes: El sonido de la música. Después: Los sonidos del silencio.

Antes: Estar a tu lado. Después: ¡Hazte a un lado!

Antes: Me gustan las mujeres llenitas. Después: ¡Nunca me gustaron las gordas!

Antes: ¡Qué lunar más lindo tienes! Después: Esa verruga ¿cuándo te la operas?

Antes: Me pregunto qué haría sin ella. Después: Me pregunto qué hago con ella.

Antes: Erótica. Después: Neurótica.

Antes: Parece que estamos juntos desde siempre. Después: ¡Siempre estamos juntos!

Antes: Ella adora cómo controlo las situaciones. Después: Ella dice que soy un manipulador ególatra.

Antes: Anoche lo hicimos en el sofá. Después: Anoche dormí en el sofá.

Antes: Había una vez. Después: Fin.

Una conductora de un programa de televisión entrevista a un granjero tratando de conocer la principal causa de la enfermedad llamada de las vacas locas.

Buenas noches, señor, estamos aquí para obtener información acerca de la principal causa de la enfermedad de las vacas locas. ¿Tiene usted alguna idea de cual puede ser esa causa?

El ganadero, viendo fijamente a la mujer responde:

¿Sabe usted que el toro se coge a la vaca una sola vez al año?

La reportera, sintiéndose avergonzada, vacila:

Bueno, señor, eso si que es un dato interesante, pero ¿qué relación tiene ese hecho con la enfermedad de las vacas locas?

Bueno, señora, ¿sabía usted que nosotros ordeñamos a las vacas cuatro veces al día?

Caballero, esto en realidad es información muy valiosa, pero sigo sin ver la relación.

Acabo de decírsela, señorita: nada más imagínese si yo me pongo a jugar con sus tetas cuatro veces al día y me la cojo sólo una vez al año, ¿no se volvería usted loca?

Q: What do you do if the washing machine breaks down

A: Slap the bitch

You might be a redneck if you let your 12 year old daughter smoke at the table in front of her kid.

these two guys walk across a field but soon get stopped by the owner. the owner is mad cuz he doesnt like anybody walking in his field. anyway he tells the two men that unless they dont do what he tells them to he will shoot their heads off. so the owner lets them sleep in his barn for one day. late that night when they two men were sleeping the owner came and woke both of them up and told them to go out in the field and pick out any fruit or vegetable of their choice. so the two men obeyed and went. one of the men came back with a melon then the owner told him to bend over and shove it up his ass. the the man started laughing and the owner was asking why is he laughing at a moment like this then the guy said because my friend out there is picking a watermelon!

put a scratch and sniff snicker at the bottom of the pool and tell the blonde to jupm in after it

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 11-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, Great…hes 11 and now Im gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun – Ill just let him ask, and Ill answer.

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, Well son, do you have any questions?

Just one Dad. gasped the still wide-eyed lad. Just as the father is preparing his birds and bees story, his son asks –

How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?

A woman married 35 years asked her husband on their anniversary, What were you thinking the very first time you saw me?

He replied, I wanted to suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out, dear.

She asked, And what do you think when you look at me now, darling?

I think I did a damn good job!

A bloke walks into an extremely posh restaurant, sits down and waives the waiter
over. I want to see the cock-sucking, mother-fucking boss now, he says. The
waiter is naturally a bit taken aback and replies Excuse me, sir, would you
refrain from using that kind of language in here, I will get the manager as soon
as I can.

The manager comes over and the bloke says Are you the chicken fucking manager
of this bastarding joint? Yes sir, I am, replies the manager but I would
prefer you not to use that kind of vernacular in this restaurant, there are
private parties and clients entertaining in here.

The bloke replies Fuck you anus features, wheres the fucking piano?

The manager is a bit puzzled and asks the bloke to clarify the situation.

Wheres the fucking piano, are you fucking deaf or what, you smelly stupid
cunt?

Ah, says the manager, Youve come about the pianist job out of the paper.

Too fucking right, the bloke replies.

The manager tentatively takes the bloke over to the piano and begs him not to
speak into the microphone.

Can you play any blues? the manager asks.

The bloke starts to play the most beautiful blues ever heard. Thats superb,
gasps the manager, What is it called?

I want to shag your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my cock
end, replies the bloke.

The manager is a bit disturbed. Oh, do you know any jazz? asks the manager a
bit perplexed.

The bloke plays the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.
Absolutely magnificent, cries the manager, What is that called?

I wanked over the washing machine but my bollocks got caught in the powder
drawer, replies the bloke.

The manager is a tad embarrassed at this one. Oh I say, do you know any
romantic ballads? asks the manager getting flustered. The bloke plays the most
heartbreaking melody ever. That was fantastic, crooned the manager, What is
that one called?

Shagging sheep under the stars with the moonlight shining on my hairy ring
piece, replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset at the blokes language but is so moved by his music
that he offers the bloke a job on the condition that he does not introduce any
of the songs. The bloke accepts.

The arrangement goes swimmingly for a couple of weeks when one night the bloke
gets desperate for a wank. He leaves the restaurant and goes to the staff
toilets. Strangely there is a magazine stuffed behind the bowl. The bloke
retrieves the mag and discovers a good old wank mag. He naturally has a swift
one off the wrist. As he is coming he hears the manager shouting Where the fuck
is that fucking pianist?

The bloke whips up his trousers, returns to the restaurant and begins playing
some more tunes. After a couple of minutes a woman approaches him and whispers
Do you know your bollocks and knob are hanging out of your trousers dribbling
jissum all over your shoes?

The bloke replies Know it? I fucking wrote it!