Old and New Jokes

Daffy (a blonde duck) was a bit behind schedule. Winter had arrived already and she was just heading south. As she was flying above a small lake, she spotted a net and figured it was just as good a time as any to stop for a snack. Perhaps she could steal a fish before someone caught her. When she landed by the net, there was quite the commotion and she was hit . . . by the puck.

Behind the seven seas and seven mountains, theres a castle. And in that castle theres a magic mirror. If you lie to that mirror, it will eat you.



A black-haired girl came and said: I think Im the prettiest! Zap! The mirror ate her.



A brunnette came: I think Im the prettiest! Zap! The mirror ate her too.



A blonde came and said: I think… Zap! The mirror ate her.

A typical macho man married a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: Ill be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I dont expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. Ill go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies and dont you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?

His new bride said, No, thats fine with me. Just understand that therell be sex here at seven oclock every night — whether youre here or not.

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you havent the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, If either of you asks her if she knows me, youll be jailed for contempt!

A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are

peeling and flaking off, and hes very concerned about grossing out

the other fans.

The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his

grotesque appearance wont disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game. He asks the man

in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there.

The man answers, Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.

The leper sits down and adds, As you can see, I have leprosy. If

it disturbs you, I will move.

It doesnt bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game.

A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits.

Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, Thank you for allowing

me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused

you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.

Its NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.

So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the mans mouth and nose until is stomach is completely emptied.

Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, Thank you for allowing

me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused

you to get sick. I will find another place to sit.

Really, its NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game.

So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.

But the man insists, Really, its NOT you.

So the leper asks, Well if its not me that is making you so sick,

that what is it?

Its that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back.

Valles Marineris (MPI) – A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft.

The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, bouncing several times before coming to a stop, deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases. Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.

General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Forces explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the other-worldly nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmys statements as evidence of an obvious government cover-up, pointing out that Mars has no swamps.

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free

trip around the Sun!

You dont know?

So youre the one!

If you do, heres a preview of the READ ME FIRST page

Congratulations on your purchase of Windows 98 (c), the latest version of the worlds #1 computer operating system from Microsoft.

Before using your new software, please take the time to read these instructions carefully. Failure to do so may further limit the terms of the limited warranty. Windows 98 (c) represents a significant technological improvement over Microsofts previous operating system, Windows 95 (c). Youll notice immediately that

• 98 is a higher number than 95
• a better than 3 percent increase.

But thats not all. Windows 98 (c) contains many features not found in Windows 95 (c), or in any competing computer operating system, (if there are any of course).

Among the improvements:

• faster storing and retrieving of files (not in all models),
• enhanced Caps Lock and back-space functionality,
• smoother handling,
• less knocking and pinging,
• an easy-to-follow 720-page Users Guide,

  and

• rugged weather-resistant shrink wrap around the box.

Most important, Windows 98 (c) offers superior compatibility with all existing Microsoft products. Were betting that youll never use another companys software again.

Windows 98 (c) comes factory-loaded with the latest version of Microsoft Explorer, the worlds most popular Internet browser. And despite what you may have heard from the U.S. Department of Justice, Windows 98 (c) offers you the freedom to select the Internet browser of your choice, whether its the one produced by the worlds largest and most trusted software producer, or by a smaller company that will either go out of business or become part of the Microsoft family.

Configuring Windows 98 (c) to use a browser OTHER than Microsoft Explorer is easy. Simply open the Options folder, click on the time bomb icon, and select Load Inferior Browser. A dialog box will ask Are you sure? Click yes. This question may be asked several more times in different ways and in 12 different languages – just keep clicking yes.

Eventually, the time-bomb icon will enlarge to fill the entire screen, signifying that the browser is being loaded. Youll know the browser is fully loaded when the fuse on the time bomb runs out and the screen explodes. If at any time after installation you become disappointed with the slow speed and frequent data loss associated with other browsers, simply tap the space bar on your keyboard. Microsoft Explorer will automatically be re-installed – permanently.

Windows 98 (c) also corrects, for the first time anywhere, the Year 2000 computer problem. As you may know, most computers store the current year as a two-digit number and, as a result, many will mistake the year 2000 for 1900. Windows 98 (c) solves the problem by storing the year as a four-digit number and, in theory, you wont have to upgrade this part of the operating system until the year 10000.

However, the extra memory required to record the year in four digits has prompted a few minor changes in the softwares internal calendar. Henceforth, Saturday and Sunday will be stored as single day, known as Satsun, and the month of June will be replaced by two 15-day months called Bill and Melissa. Please also take the time to complete the online registration form. It only takes a few minutes and will help us identify the key software problems our customers want addressed. Be assured that none of the information you provide, whether its your Social Security number, bank records, fingerprints, retina scan or sexual history, will be shared with any outside company not already designated as a Microsoft DataShare partner.

Weve done our best to make using Windows 98 (c) as trouble-free as possible. We want to hear from you if youre having any problems at all with you software. Simply call our toll-free Helpline and follow the recorded instructions carefully. (The Helpline is open every day but Satsun, and is closed for the entire month of Bill.)

If we dont hear from you, well assume your software is working perfectly, and an electronic message to that effect will be forwarded to the Justice Department. Well also send, in your name, a letter to the editor of your hometown newspaper, reminding him or her that American consumers want software designed by companies that are free to innovate, not by government bureaucrats.

Again, thanks for choosing Windows 98 (c).

A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring Run….Run!

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!

A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!

The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, He doesnt have to run, hes got four balls.

After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!