Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Lincoln!
Lincoln who?
Lincoln logs!

Q: Why did Bill go out to sea on an aircraft carrier?
A: To promote off-shore drilling.

La ricachona de la ciudad invita al doctor del pueblo a una recepción en su casa. Él asiste y, justo, le tuvo que tocar junto a una vieja preguntona.

¡Así que Ud. es el doctor Daniel!

Para servirle. Y espero que no.

He escuchado que Ud. ha trabajado en el hospital del barrio de la gente de mala muerte.

Y no le han mentido, señora.

¡Por el lugar en el que está situado y por la gente que lo rodea, muchos de sus casos deben ser por accidentes!

¡Es probable, estoy en la sala de maternidad!

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation.

There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking.

The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says,

Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field.

He asks, And what are those?

The Aussie, fed up with the Texans bragging replies with an incredulous look,

What, dont you have any grasshoppers in Texas?

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you … please keep YOUR photo and return the others!

Dear Mom and Dad:

It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Dont read any further unless you are sitting down … OK?
Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. Its really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We havent set the exact date yet, but Im sure it will be before I start to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.

The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks to my daily penicillin injections.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you wont mind the fact that he is somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gunbearer in his native African village.

I guess thats it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know … There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life. However, I am getting a D in History and an F in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Chelsea

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000/game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.

Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year,hell be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hrs a night, he makes $52,000 every night.

If he goes to a movie, hell pay $7.00, but hell make $18,550.

Hell make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, youd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

Next year, hell make more than 2X as much as past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isnt it?

…

BUT:

JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.

Okay, so this blonde is driving by in his red sports car, and he sees

another blonde rowing with oars in a cornfield.

Well, he is just absolutely furious and he gets out of the car and yells to

the blonde in the cornfield: Hey, if I knew how to swim, Id go right out

there and give you a piece of my mind!

Lets face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins werent invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which arent sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers dont fing, grocers dont groce and hammers dont ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isnt the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesnt it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didnt preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isnt a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

A man took his family to a Chinese resaurant one night. After being seated and having their drinks delivered, the waiter recited the specialites of the evening.

We have moo shoo chicken, chicken almondine, beef and 5 star vegetable and lasagna.

The man was surprised and exclaimed .. but this is a Chinese restaurant!

The waiter replied, Yes, but this is a Jewish neighborhood.