Old and New Jokes

Un joven guapo, con un cuerpazo, estaba desempleado pues acababa de terminar sus estudios. Como no tenía ingresos, no tenía para pagar la renta, el agua, la luz, la comida, etc. Así que decide prostituirse y pone en la puerta de su casa un letrero con letras grandes:

CAMA: $100.00

CATRE: $50.00

SUELO: $25.00

Pasa una viejita y se queda mirando muy atentamente el letrero; se va a su casa; rompe el cochinito; cuenta su dinero y se va con el joven prostituto. Al ver al joven, le extiende las monedas que lleva en la mano. El muchacho detenidamente la observa y cuenta el dinero: $100.00. El joven mira a la anciana y le dice:

Picarona, ¿lo quiere en la cama?

Sonriendo con malicia, la viejita le responde:

No, mijito… ¡lo quiero cuatro veces en el suelo!

May you grow so rich your widows second husband never has to worry about a living, God forbid.

What color Does a Smurf turn If you Choke it?

Collage 268 27 MAY 96

SUBJ: College Entrance Exam, Football-Player Version

Time Limit: 3 WKS

Name: _____________________________

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
___ (a) build a bridge
___ (b) sail the ocean
___ (c) lead an army or
___ (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope?
___ (a) Jewish
___ (b) Catholic
___ (c) Hindu
___ (d) Polish
___ (e) Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion. How many feet is 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)

8. What are people in Americas far north called?
___ (a) Westerners
___ (b) Southerners
___ (c) Northerners

9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
Bush: ____________________________________________
Carter: __________________________________________
Clinton: __________________________________________

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
George the Sixth. Name the previous five:

11. Where does rain come from?
___ (a) Macys
___ (b) a 7-11
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) the sky

12. Can you explain Einsteins Theory of Relativity?
___ (a) yes
___ (b) no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell
your name in BLOCK LETTERS.

16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
___ (a) New York
___ (b) Florida
___ (c) Canada
___ (d) Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have three apples, how many apples do you
have?

19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?

20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)?
___ (a) B.C.
___ (b) A.D.

* You must correctly answer three or more questions to qualify.

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna.

The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied that it took only a little while.

The American then asked why didnt he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his familys immediate needs.

The American then asked, but what do you do with the rest of your time?

The Mexican fisherman said, I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, senior.

The American scoffed, I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then Los Angeles and eventually New York City where you will run your expanding enterprise.

The Mexican fisherman asked, But senior, how long will this all take?

To which the American replied, 15 to 20 years.

But what then, senior?

The American laughed and said, Thats the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich. You would make millions.

Millions, senior? Then what?

The American said, Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your grandkids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.

You know youre a redneck when your flyswatter doubles as your spatula!

[Ed: Forwarded from misc.misc by Jamie Walsh.]

(From the Winchendon Observer, 19 December 1988)

12 Year Old Guinness Record Holder Dead

(AP) December 18, 1988 – Streetly, England – Mario Morby, a 12 year old
record holder in the Guinness Book of World Records, was killed yesterday
when he asphyxiated under the weight of hundreds of thousands of postcards
that accidentally toppled on him. Morby, a cancer patient currently
in remission, collected the postcards from supporters all over the world
who took sympathy on his condition. The bulk of Morbys collection,
estimated at over 2 million with 30,000 arriving daily, was turned over
to an auction house for disposal. Morby had retained about 500,000 of
the nicer ones.

Florida Childs Wish Come True, Inc. publicized Marios
wish for postcards. Had we realized the trouble that we caused,
we would have never gotten involved, said Frances Keefe, the founder of
the Spring Hill, Florida organization that specializes in satisfying the
last wishes of dying children. They used the pseudonym David when
requesting postcards on Morbys behalf. It makes us heartsick, Keefe
continued, to realize that we have contributed to this gentle childs
death. He was in remission, and his spirits were up. Those postcards
were his life.

Morbys body was discovered by the family dog, who notified
the district constable. Foul play is not suspected.

Ross McWhirter, author of the Guinness Book of World Records, said in
a prepared statement that it is ironic that Morbys record has been
overshadowed by that of another boy named David who is dying of
leukemia. In tribute to Morby, however, we have decided to enter him
in a new category in the mid-year 1989 update edition:
Most Senseless Death.

Contributions in Morbys memory may be made to Florida Childs Wish
Come True, Inc., P.O. Box 5997, Spring Hill, FL, USA.

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks Have you got the time?Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. Its a quarter to six, he says.Hey, thats a pretty fancy watch! exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little.Yeah, its not bad. Check this out – and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises.He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says The time is eleven til six in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues Ive put in regional accents for each city. The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. Thats not all, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning, explains Jake.View recede ten, Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.I want to buy this watch! says the stranger.Oh, no, its not ready for sale yet; Im still working out the bugs, says the inventor.But look at this, and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far says Jake.Ive got to have this watch!, says the stranger.No, you dont understand; its not ready -Ill give you $1000 for it!Oh, no, Ive already spent more than -Ill give you $5000 for it!But its just not

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and thrash on the floor.2.Go to the mall with your roommate and sit on Santas lap. Refuse to get off.3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny youre wearing it.4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town…5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roommate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.6. Hang a stocking with your roommates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say youve been very naughty this year.7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistletoe last night.)9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.10. Sing: All I want for Christmas is my roommates two front teeth…11. Give your roommate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.12. Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesnt come to life, cry hysterically it didnt work!13. Whip your roommate screaming now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.14. Tear down all your roommates Christmas decorations yelling Bah Humbug!15. Wake up every morning screaming Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!16. Tell your roommate youre moving out. Santas buying you a house on 34th Street.17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first. 19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roommates friends give it a yank.20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying every time a bell rings an angel gets his win

George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate all the stupid jokes people make about me." Cheney reassured him by saying, "Jokes cant hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, Ill show you what I mean."Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver, "Please take me to 261 M street to see if Im home," said Cheney. Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, "Oh, I guess Im not there! Take us back to where we started, please."The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over and said to Dubya, "You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go! Dont worry about their opinions!"Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then he winked and whispered, "Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called instead!