Old and New Jokes

Scientists at Rutgers University have released a study identifying the three phases of love. They are: lust, attraction and subpoena.

A guy walks into the bar and sits down next to a man. The man says to him you see that hot girl in the bar the guy looks over to his right and sees a hot girl sitting at the bar. He says ya and looks back toward the man. Then the man said you want me to introduce you to her. The guy says yes and the two walk over to her and start to talk. Later as the guy walks out of the bar with the girl the bartender asks why he set the guy up with that girl. the man replied I probably would have kept her for myself but I dont date men.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.



The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, Jim, which was posted on the Internet. Its funny, as

well as informative:



Dear Dr. Laura:



Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding Gods Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend

the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.



I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other

specific laws and how to follow them.



1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord-Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?



2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?



3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness-Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.



4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and

female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why cant I own Canadians?



5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?



6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an

abomination-Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I dont agree. Can you settle this?



7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?



8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?



9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?



10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldnt we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)



I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that Gods word is eternal and unchanging.





Your devoted fan,

Jim.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

131. Sign your roommate up for various activities (Campus tour guide, blood donor, peer tutoring).

Nothing.

Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
Death to all fanatics!
An oral contract isnt worth the paper its written on.
If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
Id give my right arm to be ambidextrous!
The shortest distance between two points is how far apart they are.
Grammar has gots to be one of the most importantest things ever?
I am becoming increasingly worried that there isnt enough anxiety in my life.
I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid.
Life is full of uncertainties…or I could be wrong about that?
Always remember youre unique… just like everyone else.
Not only am I redundant and superfluous, but I also tend to use more words than necessary.

Two men are in court on drug charges. The judge says, “If, over the weekend, you can persuade enough people to give up drugs, I’ll let you two off.”
Back in court on Monday, the judge asks for their results.
“I persuaded 10 people to give up drugs forever,” the first man says.
“That’s great,” the judge replies. “What did you tell them?”
“I drew two circles; one big, one small. I told them the big circle was their brain before drugs, and the little circle was their brain after drugs.”
The other defendant says, “I got 100 people to give up drugs!”
“One hundred! How?” asks the judge.
“Well, I drew the same two circles. I pointed to the small circle and said, ‘This is your asshole before prison…’”

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

I have only one condition, he said. At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint.

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. He was an evil man, he said. He cheated on his wife and abused his family. After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, But, compared to his brother, he was a saint.

My fiancee and I made this up today:

A Jewish father has two kids who want to sell lemonade on the
street corner for 15 cents a glass. He figures hell spend about
3 bucks on the ingredients, the kids will sell maybe 10 glasses and
then drink the rest and get stomach aches. His eventual response:

Go stand on the corner for two hours and come back, Ill give
you two dollars. Everybody wins.

A black, a hispanic and a WASP were walking along the beach when they saw a bottle sticking out of the sand.

All three grabbed it at once and a genie came out of the bottle and said, Because of your mutual participation, I will grant each of you one wish … what would you like to have?

The black man indicated he wished everyone of his race would return to Africa and live in mutual peace and harmony.

Your wish is granted, said the Genie.

The hispanic man said he wished everyone of his race would return to Cuba and Mexico and live in mutual peace and harmony.

You wish is granted, the Genie said.

What would you like to have? the Genie asked the WASP.

Ill take a Bud Lite, he replied.