Old and New Jokes

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral.

The title to the property dated back
to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply:
Upon review of your letter adjoining your clients loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note
that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application.

I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.

The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund Columbus expedition.

Now the Pope, as Im sure you know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world.

Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin.

I hope to you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

Now, may we have the lousy loan?

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks this guy doesnt know the difference, so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.


The patron takes a sip…same reaction.

But the bartender still doesnt believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching.

He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkedly says:


Shay mishter, tashte this! The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.

That tastes like pee!, he shoots back at the drunk.

The drunk replies: It ish. Now how old am I?

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers… like a telephone… on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesnt need any trouble here.



The guy says, You dont understand. Im very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.



The bartender says Prove it. The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.



Thats incredible, says the bartender…I would never have believed it!



Yeah, said the guy, I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the mens room? The bartender directs him to the mens room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesnt return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the mens room.



There is the guy spread- eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. Oh my god! said the bartender. Did they rob you? Are you hurt?



The guy turns to him and says: No, Im ok… Im just waiting for a fax.

A day without sunshine is like night.

Theres 4 people on a plane and one is the smartest man in the world, ones a hippie, ones the president and one is britney spears. the plane is about to crash and theres only three parachutes so the president says, I think i deserve a parachute, afterall, i am the president. So he takes the parachute and jumps out of the plane. Next britney spears says, I think i should use the next parachute afterall, i am britney spears. so she jumped out of the plane. then there was only the hippie and the smartest man. They were debating who should use the next parachute and the hippie said, i dont think we have to worry about anything like that, britney spears just jumped out with my backpack. and they jumped out of the plane.

Whats the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots?

American pilots break ground and fly into the wind.

The next time your co-workers get on your nerves & you have just had it with them, do what I do…

Tell them to alphebetize their m&ms
Tell them there is a Morons Anonymous meeting at 5 in the middle lane of 101
Leave a wet lollipop on their chair
Follow them home, freak them out a little
Keep telling them what a hard worker you are
Ask to borrow a report and tear out a couple pages
Remind them that their freckles could be cancerous
Comment on their weight gain
Send anonymous letters
Dont Flush

Why dont skeletons ever go out on the town?

Because they dont have any body to go out with…

A dyslexic walks into a bra….

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a blood thirsty group of cannibals. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself, Oh God, Im doomed!

There is a ray of light from the sky above and a voice booms out: No my son, you are NOT doomed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.

So the explorer picks up the stone and attacks the chief, feverishly bashing at his head with all his strength. He stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 cannibals with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: Okay . . . . NOW youre doomed.