Old and New Jokes

Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last weeks discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile…

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi.

As they oohed and aahed the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.

Its free, Peter replied, this is Heaven.

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, What are the green fees?

Peters reply, This is heaven, you play for free.

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

How much to eat? asked the old man. Dont you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free! Peter replied with some exasperation.

Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables? the old man asked timidly.

Peter lectured, Thats the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, This is all your fault. If it werent for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation, I now pronounce you man and wife.

1. Q. Why do golfers carry two pairs of trousers with them?

A. Just in case they get a hole in one.



2. Golfer: Well, I have never played this badly before!

Caddy: I didnt realize you had played before, sir!



3. Golfer: My wife says if I dont stop playing golf shes going to leave me!

Caddy: Im sure you will miss her terribly, sir!



4. Golfer: Well caddy, do you like my game?

Caddy: Very good, sir! But personally I prefer golf.

Q: Why are people like a box of chocolates?

A: Some have nuts and some dont!

Whats the difference between Jell-O and a Jewish American Princess?

– Jell-O wiggles when you eat it.

Your momma is so fat, she was swimming in the ocean and all the whales started singing, we are family.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that youve forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son — the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I cant remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, Where am I, Cathy?
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ? A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true? Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your ttorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Im worried that Im losing my wifes love, the husband told the counseller.

Has she started to neglect you? Not at all, the dejected man replied. She meets me at the door with a cold drink and a warm kiss. My shirts are always ironed, shes a great cook, the house is always neat, and she keeps the kids out of my hair. She even lets me choose the television shows we watch, or says she has a headache.

So whats the problem?

Maybe Im just being too sensitive, the husband ventured, but at night, when she thinks Im sleeping, she puts her lips close to my ear and whispers, Die! Die, you son of a bitch!

A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firms
senior chef had passed away unexpectedly.

Is Mr. Smith there? asked the client on the phone.

I am very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night, the receptionist
answered.

Is Mr. Smith there? repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed, Perhaps you did not understand me. I am
afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night.

Is Mr. Smith there? asked the client again.

Madam, do you understand what I am saying? said the exasperated
receptionist, Mr. Smith is dead.

I understand you perfectly, the client sighed, I just cannot hear it
often enough.