Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Candy!
Candy who?
Candy cow jump over the moon!

Top ten names for Ben & Jerrys new Presidential ice cream:

10. Impeach-Mint
9. Candy Pants
8. Hyperactive Nuts
7. Chilly Hillbilly Vanilla
6. Pantsachio
5. Subpoena Colada
4. Horny Bubba Crunch
3. Peppermint Fattie
2. Draft-Dodging Pot-Smoking Intern-Nailing Raspberry Swirl

And the #1 name for the new Presidential flavor…

1. Captain Cream

A blonde and her boyfriend decide to go to the movies.

During the previews, she asks her boyfriend to get her some M&Ms.

Okay sure. Ill be right back.

When he gets her the candy, she immediatly opens the bag and picks out all the brown ones. Then she throws them away.

Why did you do that? asked the boyfriend.

She replies Because Im allergic to chocolate.

Excuse me, could you tell me the time? asked the blonde of a man on the street corner.

Sure….its three fifteen,he replied with a smile.

Thanks, she said, a puzzled look crossing her face.You know, its the weirdest thing-Ive been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer.

Patient: Im in a hospital! Why am I in here?

Doctor: Youve had an accident involving a bus.

Patient: What happened?

Doctor: Well, Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

Patient: Give me the bad news first.

Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

Patient: Thats terrible! Whats the good news?

Doctor: Theres a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers.

Hey, what are you going to do for a face when the baboon wants its ass back!

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Usenet
Oracle, as incarnated as its numerous e-mail participants (only you and
the Oracle know who you are). This collection is from the series of
regular Oracularities postings to rec.humor.
Stephen Kinzler, Chief Oracular Slave
kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu

#83

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The good thing about having a bad runny nose around the holidays is that you dont have to lick all those stamps and envelopes when you send out cards.

– Shaheen Tonse

It
is the year 2032, and a father and his son walk the
streets of lower Manhattan. Approaching the site where
the WTC used to be in the end of the 20th century, the
father sighs and comments, "to think that right
here used to be the Twin Towers…"
The son, not understanding, asks his father "What
are the Twin Towers?" The father smiles and looks
at the son, and explains, "The Twin Towers were
two huge buildings that used to be here until 2001,
when the Arabs destroyed them."
The son looks up to his father, and asks, "And
what are the Arabs?"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, No pets allowed. The man replied, This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and youll see. The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turns on the game. The guy says, Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips. The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. Wow! Thats one helluva dog you got there! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown? The man replied, I dont know. Ive only had him for 7 years!