Old and New Jokes

A teen-aged boy with spiked hair, nose ring, and baggy clothes was overheard telling a friend, I dont really like to dress like this, but it keeps my parents from dragging me everywhere with them.

A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.

What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.

Hope you dont mind, I just took a leak in your tank
You do know theres a guy hiding in your back seat, dont you?
Sometimes I have the strangest feeling Im about to burst into flames
Regular, premium, or ranch flavor?
You know, if a guy breathes enough fumes, someone like you starts to look pretty good
The soda machine was on the fritz today – I had to drink a quart of Quaker State with my lunch
Does this uniform make me look pretty?
This is my car! You stole my car!
Ill check under your hood if you check under my belt
Want to make out in the back seat?

©MMI, CBS Worldwide Inc.

Yo momma is so fat she dont have periods, she has exclamtion points!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Q: What is the diffrence between a smart blonde and bigfoot?

A: Bigfoot has been seen.

• You will never have an extra blank disk.

• If you do bring along a blank disk, you wont need it.

• If you dont bring along a blank disk, it will be the only available opportunity to obtain a copy of a hitherto unattainable and uniquely appropriate program.

• If someone else is watching while you are doing anything on the computer, anything at all, it will screw up (thats a technical term).

• The percentage chances of screwing up increase in direct proportion to the size of your audience.

• No matter how simple it seems to you, your explanation will be more than they want to know.

• You will amaze yourself at how much you know.

• You will amaze your mother at how much you know about computers.

• You will always have one disk envelope too few. Or too many.

• The only pieces of data you will ever lose are the ones you were going to save just as soon as you finished typing a couple more lines.

• The update of your program will use the keys for something entirely different in this version than it did when you first learned it.

• You will not understand it the first time you read it in the manual.

• You will understand it better the next time you read the manual. For no discernible reason.

• When you are late for an interview and need a last minute copy of your resume your printer will go down. It will always go down. It doesnt care. Nowhere in your repair manual will it ever tell you what you really need to do, which is to turn the darn thing off and get yourself a cup of coffee/tea.

• You will never know what a user file is.

• The price of anything you buy will stay the same until the actual impact of your money on the bottom of the cash drawer, at which time it will automatically re-list itself in next Thursdays paper at 30% less.

• Staring at the screen for 97 continuous minutes will not necessarily reveal to you the secret location of any colon that should have been typed in as a semi. Or vice versa.

• It will always seem like your friend got a better deal.

• The 800 number will be busy.

Military JokeWhat does marine stand for? Muscles are required, intellegence not expected.

In his book, Stay of Execution, the late Stewart Alsop, columnist, tells of this embarrassing moment:

I was in London, on a reporting trip for Joes and my column. I had an introduction to Lord Salisbury and interviewed him – he was a powerful figure in those days – and he asked me for the week-end to his country seat, Hatfield House.

I paid off the taxi and timidly rang a doorbell. To my surprise Lady Salisbury, a gray-haired lady with a strong ancestral face, answered the bell. With her was an enormous hound, which looked at me in a marked unfriendly fashion and growled.

Lady Salisbury saw that I was nervous. Dont worry, she said. Bobo never bites a gentleman, only the lower classes.

At that point Bobo lunged forward and planted his teeth in my right calf.