Old and New Jokes

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help.

Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!

Operator: Okay, sir, youre an ambulance!

Theres these three guys who walk into a hotel and ask for three different rooms. The clerk says ok but some people say this place is haunted by a ghosts. Ahh who cares we want some sleep, replied one of them.



so they all got different rooms. the first guy is unpacking his stuff when this ghosts comes ans says Im the ghost of lambourgigi Ill cut of your balls and eat your wenie.



he eats his penis and goes away.





The next guy is unpacking his stuff when the ghost comes and says Im the ghost of lambourgini Ill cut off your balls and eat your winie. And he does it and leaves.





the last guy is unpacking his stuff when the ghost comes and says Im the ghost of lambourgini Ill cut off your balls and eat your winie. the guy replies , well Im the ghost of christmas past touch my balls i kick your ass!

Gardening is just a man trying to improve his lot.

Cromwell and Rasputin
by
as submitted to
Dr. Richard King

The following essay was an actual submission by a student, who was given the assignment: Write a term paper
comparing and contrasting two revolutionary figures of your
choice. The figures are to be selected from different
periods of European history.

Unlike most papers of student bloopers, which are collaborative
efforts, this one is the work of the exceptionally fruitful pen
of a single student. Read it and enjoy!

The English and the Russian revolutions had a leader
that stood out to have an effect on the revolution. For the
Russian it was Rasputin. He was born in the reign of the
Tsar-Emperor Alexander the Second, absolute ruler of over a
hundred million people consisting of fifty some nationalities
and speaking nearly two-hundred-different languages or
dialects. This empire stretched from the Prussian border to
beyond the Pacific Ocean. Rasputin was an Autocrat who
ruled by himself. He was free to appoint and dismiss ministers
as he pleased. Then theirs Oliver Cromwell, a man who
stood for the commission of the unthinkable act, the execution
of the king, should have pushed the Commonwealth and
its leaders into further international isolation. These
were some of the issues that Oliver Cromwell drived for in
the English Revolution. Cromwell was dominant political
figure from 1649 to 1658. He had lead the attack on the
king and had many followers and support. These twoffigures,
Rasputin and Oliver Cromwell, ha had great emphasis on the
outcome of their revolutions (Russian and English). Lets
look at some similarities and differences on how they ruled
their reign of power.

Cromwell was a careful figure who ruled intil his death
in 1658. He lead an organization of parliament forces of
centralized army called the new model army. Cromwell was an
independent so he was frightened of parliament changing
religion. Cromwell had faith in his reign, he believed that
Parliament couldnt win the civil war if they didnt try
someting different.

Rasputin was also a careful and powerful leader. When
Nicholas went to the front to take personal command of the
army, his wife Alexandra took over government affairs and
relied on Rasputin almost completely. So Rasputin also controlled
an army and became a successful leader. Although he
was killed by the people, it was because of the sake of the
people in Russia. They felt that he was discrediting Nicholas
II. Rasputin was such a key role in ruling the army,
Alexandra went into shock because of the death of Rasputin.

Oliver Cromwell was born in 1599. He immediately took
interest in public affairs. After he had become an undergraduate
at Cambridge, his father fied which brought him
back home to take care of his mother and the family. He
also took over his fathers business which was the management
of land. Later he had experienced a change of religion to
the Puritan side. He was respected so much by his neighbours
from his management of land, that they choose him to
represent Huntington in the Parliament which described
itself by the Petition of Right. Cromwell, however, was
known to have interest in religion before politics. He had
never really been able to hankle constitutional questions,
and was opposite as a whole to them.

Rasputin, however, was also a very religious man. He
went to early mass at six oclock in the morning at Afonskoe
Podvorie. He was so admirred, that on the way back from
mass there would be a crowd of followers behind him, who
accompanied him into the dining room for breakfast. Among
these guests were petitioners who arrived around eight
oclock. Rasputin was always called upon by Tsarskoe Selo
at ten oclock, even thought he was usually sleeping by this
time. A secret came out that Rasputin was prepared to carry
out various transactions, arrange reals of military services,
get sentences of imprisonment released, or dispose of
the granting of concessions. While known that Rasputin was
open for bribes, also took into consideration the help of
petitioners who came to him with nothing.

These two leaders, and their different personalities
make them both uneque. These two leaders had great effect
on the outcome of their revolutions. Even though their
techneques were not exactly alike they had similarities in
their personal behavior and their beliefs. These two figures
reigned at two different times and are also two different people
in most respects.

Advice on baby care – your questions answered.

(From a Nutworks post by Jon Partington)

QUESTION. I am the father of a two-month old baby and he is fascinated by a Helium balloon that we have bought him. It is called Mr Smiley and has a smiling face on one side, with the words Dont worry. He keeps playing with the thing, tugging on the string and letting the balloon rise again. However what is worrying me is that he seems more interested in Mr Smiley than he is in me: also he seems to resemble Mr Smiley very strongly, in that he is fat, full of wind, and smiles a lot in an enigmatic way. Is it possible that my wife has committed adultery with Mr Smiley, & the baby is not my son at all?

ANSWER. This is highly improbable. The baby probably likes Mr Smiley because he comes when the baby pulls him. You could try bobbing up and down above the cot, smiling vacuously. Pretend you are a politician running for office, Maybe.

QUESTION. My baby is only one month old and can already speak fluent French. So far the words he says are a, la, ou and gout (which of course he pronounces correctly as goo.) His English is more limited, and he keeps trying to tell me something about glue. Why is this?

ANSWER. This is well-known. All babies can speak fluent French at the age of one month. Most of them forget it again. The fact that he is trying to say chacun a son gout probably means that he is reading your books when you think he is asleep in his cot. However, I do not know what he is trying to tell you about glue. On no account give him any to sniff, and make sure he isnt sniffing it when your back is turned. Tell-tale signs include a huge tube stuck in the nostrils.

QUESTION. My wife drinks lots of water, which she turns into milk. The baby then drinks it, and it passes through his system and ends up in the nappy. Could I save time by pouring the water straight into his nappy?

ANSWER. Good idea. You could also save the child the trouble of soiling his nappies by filling them with best quality fertilizer. Or recycle the speeches of any convenient politician.

You might be a redneck if…
Your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

These laws were given to me by an old friend who carried has them around in his golf bag for, judging by the age of the paper (and his golf bag), decades. True golfers should understand the words layed out here.



LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summmer and, eventually, a lifetime.



LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.



LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.



LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.



LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant You looked up, or invoke the wrath of the universe.



LAW 6: The higher a golfers handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instuctor.



LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.



LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.



LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.



LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isnt, how do you explain the way it works against you?



LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.



LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent — or some similar combination.



LAW 13: All 3-woods are domon-possessed.



LAW 14: Golf balls from the same sleeve tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (see Law three)



LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.



LAW 16: Nice lag can usually be translated to lousy putt. Similarly, tough break can usually be translated way to miss an easy one, sucker.



LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.



LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.



LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.



LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset of the same day.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the orange juice carton for hours?

A. Because she noticed the word concentrate on the container.

The Supervisor was berating a key punch operator over her lack of output. …And look at Tina, working right next to you, she has triple your keystrokes.

I know, I know! replied Sheryl, Ive been telling her to slow down for weeks now.

The new Marine recruit was awakened roughly by her platoon Sergeant after the rookies first night in the barracks.

Its four-thirty ! roared the Sergeant.

Four-thirty?!?!? gasped the recruit. Youd better go to bed. Weve got a big day tomorrow.

The newly rich Yuppette was going thru her culture routine and was standing in front on an oil painting of a ragged but happy vagabond. Go figure. she said aloud. Too broke to buy himself any decent clothes but he spends Lord knows how much to have his portrait painted.

Two Yuppettes were lamenting the death of a friend who had died the day before. I understand, observed one, that Dinah left very few effects.

Figures … replied the second, she had very few causes.

The college graduate was listing her experience during a job interview. I was also the recording secretary of the chess club.

I see. said the personnel officer. And as such, exactly what were your duties.

I read the hours of the last meeting.

I resent that remark. said the blonde as she rose from the cafeteria table. Ill give you 5 seconds to take that back.

Oh yeah? snarled the dark haired woman, who upon standing was head and shoulders above the blonde. Suppose I dont take it back in five seconds?

Well … stammered the blonde, how much time do you need?

A little town in southern Illinois had a sensational birth rate, and scientists decided to visit the place and find out the cause. So the sociologists, anthropologists, birth control specialists and other concerned scientists moved to the town prepared to do a six-month study of the causes of the towns high birth rate.

The day the research testing and all was to begin, the director of the million-dollar project stopped off at the single cafe in town and ordered coffee. When the waiter delivered his drink, the scientist detained him for a moment and asked, Can you give me an idea was to why your town, above all others in this country, has such a high birth rate?

The waiter thought a moment, then said, I think I can. You see, every morning at 4:00, the C&A Railroad comes through town and blows its whistle at all three street crossings. That wakes up the folks here and, as you can guess, its too darn late to go back to sleep and too darn early to get up.