Old and New Jokes

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

Un par de amigas caminaban solas a altas horas de la noche por un barrio temible, cuando de pronto sienten a lo lejos unos pasos apresurados detras de ellas.

Las dos amigas asustadas deciden apresurar el paso y no se detienen para nada… hasta que llegan a un callejón sin salida.

De repente en la oscuridad ven al tipo que las persigue acercarse con baba en la boca; y una de ellas le grita alocadamente ante la inminencia de un ataque brutal:

¡¿Qué chucha quieres?!

El violador contesta:

!AH, PUEDO ESCOGER!

YO mamma is so fat…she sat on the rainbow and skittles popped out!

A: Because it was a double-crosser.

I just found this one on the web, too! Some peeps just have too much time on their hands, eh?

This story may or may not be true from experiences I may or may not have had with the IRS if I ever did even work for them.

During my short employment tour with the IRS in the mail room, ive found several harmless ways to mess with them and receive no recourse.

Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.

Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).

Line the bottom of your envelope with elmers glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesnt open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.

On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.

Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on.

Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.

When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

If you send 2 checks theyll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped.

These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the man. These methods are only recommended when you owe money.

this ladie needed new blinds so she rung up the company and said i need sum new blinds and they said ok i will be there tommorow.

so the next day the ladie decided to have a shower and while she was in the shower the door bell rang and she asked who is it and he said it is the blind man so thinking that the guy was blind she goes out naked and opened the door and the guy said nice tits

GET IT the blind man HAHAHAHAHAHA =)

WANKERS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A mighty fire had been raging at a Texas oil refinery. Fire engines from all around had tried in vain to get close enough to the fierce blaze to put it out, but the heat was so intense that no one could even get near the burning oil and gas. Hundreds of fire trucks from far and wide had been called and now they all just sat wondering what to do.

Suddenly, an old fire engine from a tiny fire company appeared in the distance. It was the only truck from a tiny town and had been driving all night in response to this alarm. To the amazement of all of the firemen, the tiny truck sped right past the other fire engines and came to a leisurely halt right at the base of the fire. The men in the tiny truck leaped out, doused themselves with water from their own hoses, and proceeded to extinguish the fire.

The next dat at an awards ceremony for the 6 heoic men of the tiny fire company, the Governor presented the fire chief with a check for $20,000.

What do you think your fire company will do with such a large amount of money?, asked the Governor.

Well, replied the old fire chief, the first thing were gonna do with it is fix the brakes on that old truck!

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can get going without pep pills,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can overlook it when those you love take it out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can ignore a friends limited education and never correct him,

If you can resist treating a rich friend better than a poor friend,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can say honestly that deep in your heart you have no prejudice against creed, color, religion or politics,

Then, my friend, you are almost as good as your dog.

There one was a heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad that read:

Lose weight: Only $1.00 a pound

Call (202) 555-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?

The man responded, Ten pounds.

The voice replied, Very well, give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redhead, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating, If you catch me, you can have me.

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said, Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself.

He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?

To which the somewhat-less-overweight man replied, Twenty pounds.

Very well, the voice on the phone told him, Give me your credit card number and well have a representative over to your house in the morning.

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blonde dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating, If you catch me, you can have me.

The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him, Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself.

He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds! This is fantastic! he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked, How much weight do you want to lose?

Fifty pounds! the man exclaimed.

Fifty pounds? the voice asked, Thats an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.

The man replied, Listen buddy, heres my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning! and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating, If I catch you, I am going to have you.

Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?

A: Its on. Its off. Its on. Its off. Its on. Its off.