Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Kurt & Conan!
Kurt & Conan who?
Kurt & Conan down down on the last act!

Yo mama so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.

A drunk man walks into a bar and orders a drink. While he waits for the bartender to mix his cocktail, he notices a woman alone at the end of the bar. When his drink comes, he says, Hey b-b-b-artender. Give that douche bag at the end of the bar a drink for me.

The bartender tells the drunk to keep his voice down, but the drunk is belligerent. Give that douche bag at a drink, dammit! he shouts.



The bartender becomes angry. Sir, I will not permit you to sit here and call the lady names.



The drunk persists. For the last time, bartender, bring me my drink and give that douche bag down there a drink, too!



Attempting to quell the growing disturbance, the bartender approaches the woman and apologizes for the behavior of the drunk. The gentleman insists upon buying you a drink, maam. What can I get for you?



The woman replies, Oh,… Ill have a vinegar and water, please!

In February, according to police in Windsor, Ont., Daniel Kolta, 27, and
Randy Taylor, 33, died in a head-on collision, thus earning a tie in the
game of chicken they were playing with their snowmobiles.

Yo mama so ugly she could scare Osama Bin Laden out of hiding.

One day, an old Italian couple arrived in New York City. This was the first time out of their native town, and it wasnt long before the wife got lost. The Italian husband asked a passerby for help and was told to go to the police and report it.

When he got there, a police officer asked for his wifes description.

Whats that? asked the Italian.

Well, you see, a description is telling what something looks like. For example, my wife is 25-years-old, 511, weighs 140 pounds, and measures 38-25-36. Now, what can you tell me about your wife?

Forget her! exclaimed the Italian. Lets go look for yours!

You know youve lost your status of Cool when:

You find yourself listening to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.

You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining them.

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair. Sex becomes all that foolishness.

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.

You remember the Rolling Stones as a rock group, not a corporation.

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your sons new running shoes.

You actually ASK for your fathers advice.

You dont know how to operate a fax machine or a VCR.

When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

Why do farts smell? Its so as deaf people can enjoy them as well!.

It seems that at something called the SOFTWORLD presentation (Share
69), the speaker showed a slide of a spoon full of chips, which he
described as a tablespoon of 3090s. He then said that before
long, youll have a 3090 in your wristwatch. You can boot up
MVS on it and the first thing it will do is ask you the time.

Mark Israel

There was an old man whom, though loved by his son, was being put into an old-folks home because the son could not provide the round-the-clock care the old man required.

Dont leave me here to die alone here! the old man said, when the day finally came.

Now dad, said the son, we discussed this, and you know its the best thing for you. Ill visit twice a week, and you can always pick up the phone and give me a call.

So the son left, and the old man was put to bed. He immediately grabbed the phone and called his son. Youve got to come get me. This is a terrible place; the nurses all ignore me, the foods terrible, and Im so alone!

Now Dad, I just left you half an hour ago. How can you tell in only 30 minutes what the place is like? Stay there a few more days, and if its really that bad, well have to work something out.

So the old man hung up, and eventually found his way to sleep. The next morning, the nurse woke him, and began to give him an in-bed sponge bath. Much to the old mans surprise, the attention caused him to become erect, so the nurse sponged his penis, and then gave him one of the best blowjobs of his life.

As soon as the nurse left, the old man called his son. Son, this is one great place youve found for me! The foods great, the company is excellent, and Ive never been happier!

Thats great news, Dad, I hoped youd come to like the place once youd given it a chance.

Later that afternoon, the old man was walking through the television room when he tripped and fell. Another resident of the home came over to the old man, lifted up his robe, and buggered him from behind, mercilessly.

When the old man got back to his room, he immediately grabbed the phone and called his child, Son, Son, youve got to get me out of this place! Right Now!

But Dad, a few hours ago, you thought this was a great place to be, now, Ive got to run over there and get you?

Son, you dont understand, I get an erection, maybe, once a year, but I fall down two or three times a day!