Yo mama nose so big she makes Pinochio look like a cat!
08
Aug
08
Aug
Q: How many members of the England cricket team does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Four. One to change it after 85 overs, one to throw him the new one, one to drop it, and one to get caught rubbing something out of his pocket into it.
08
Aug
Caminaba Venancio por la calle cuando se encuentra a Manolo y dice:
Ala Manolo ¿qué andais haciendo?
Nada Venancio, que ando esutdiando la Lógica.
¿La Lógica? ¿y qué es eso?
Verás Venencio, cómo explicarte… ¿te gusta el agua?
SÃ.
Por lógica te gusta la playa, Venancio.
SÃ.
Por lógica te gustan las muchachas en bikini.
SÃ.
Bueno, pues eso es la lógica Venencio.
Venancio se va y se encuentra con Pacorro y le dice:
Ala Pacorro, ¿qué andais haciendo?
Nada.
Pues yo ando estudando la Lógica.
¿La Logica, y qué es eso?
Pues verás, ¿Te gusta el agua Pacorro?
NO.
¡Entonces por Logica eres PUTO!
08
Aug
Entra un borracho a un confesionario, donde ya estaba el cura sentado del otro lado.
Pasan 5 minutos y no hay sonido. El padre tose un poco para ver si el del otro lado del confesionario reacciona, pero nada.
Pasan otros 5 minutos y el padre vuelve a toser, pero igual nada.
Tras otros 10 minutos el padre se desespera y le toca con fuerza en la pared del confesionario; entonces el borracho agitadamente dice:
¡Oiga ya cálmese! ¡De este lado tampoco hay papel de baño!
08
Aug
Esto es un hombre, que va por una carretera y ve un cartel que dice:
Reduzca 100
El hombre reduce la velocidad a 100 y sigue conduciendo. Al rato, ve otro cartel que dice:
Reduzca 50
El hombre coge y reduce a 50, aunque le extraña un poco. Sigue conduciendo y ve otro cartel que dice:
Reduzca 30
Le extraña y piensa: estarán en obras, pero reduce. Cuando lleva un rato sale otro cartel con la leyenda:
Reduzca 15
Se extraña mucho, pero reduce. Y sale otro:
Reduzca 5
Reduce, y cuando lleva un rato aparece otro:
¡Bienvenido a Reduzca!
08
Aug
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Teresa!
Teresa who?
Teresa green!
08
Aug
Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa,
throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of
whatever is left.
Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove
the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1
as a subordinate exercise.
Professors of mathematics will prove the existence
of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture
of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.
Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising
Algorithm A:
Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,
Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.
Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A
by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will
terminate.
Assembly language programmers prefer to execute
Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
Hardware engineers hunt elephants by going to
Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of
them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
elephant.
Economists dont hunt elephants, but they believe
that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times
and call it an elephant.
Consultants dont hunt elephants, and many have
never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise
those people who do.
Operations research consultants can also measure the
correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of
elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the
elephants.
Politicians dont hunt elephants, but they will
share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
Lawyers dont hunt elephants, but they do follow
the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.
Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire
herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.
Vice Presidents of engineering, research, and
development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are
designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt
elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are
completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice
president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:
(1) compliment the vice presidents keen eyesight and
(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.
Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy
based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
deeper voices.
Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants
and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the
jeep.
Sales people dont hunt elephants but spend their
time selling elephants they havent caught, for delivery two days before
the season opens.
Software Sales people ship the first thing they catch
and write up an invoice for an elephant.
Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray,
and sell them as desktop elephants.
08
Aug
Joe sets up his friend Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of a friend of his.
But Mike is a little worried about going out with someone hes never seen before. What
do I do if shes ugly? says Mike, Ill be stuck
with her all night. Dont worry, Joe says, just go up to her door
and meet her first. If you like what you
see, then everything goes as planned. If you dont just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake
an asthma attack. Thatll give you an excuse to
cancel the date right then and there. So that night, Mike knocks at the girls door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at
how beautiful and sexy she is. Hes about to
speak when the girl suddenly shouts: Aaaaaauuuggghhh!
08
Aug
PICK UP LINES YOU SHOULD SAY WHEN IN SHUL
THEY SHOULD WORK
1. Pray here often?
2. I must have great kavanah, because I think my prayers have just been answered.
3. This Social Hall may have been dedicated in 1946, but Ive been dedicated to you ever since you entered the room.
4. Hagbah is easy but picking up a girl like you is intimidating.
5. I see you are using the new linear siddur. Does that mean a lame one-liner might work on you?
6. You are the reason we need a mechiztah in this shul.
7. Since were in a beis knesset, do I have a chance of getting to base with you?
8. The rabbis sermons can put people to sleep. Care to hear his shiur together?
9. You know, I had my bris down the hall in this shul. Want to see where?
10. Dont let my tallis-bag fool you — I got it for my Bar-Mitzvah.
11. This kiddush ginger-ale is quite flat. Unlike you.
12. Just like the Ner Tamid, my love for you burns eternal.
13. Isnt this conspicuosly funny
14. Like the tenth man to make a minyan, you…complete…me.
15. You had me at Adon (Olam).
16. Like an incoherent chazzan, Id like to whisper sweet nothings in your ear.
17. I think Ive lost my page number. Can I have yours?
18. Wont you bimah, bimah baby tonight.
19. I may bless God that He did not make me a woman, but Im sure glad He made you one!
20. You know, I think you owe me a back rub; my neck is sore from noticing you up in the womens section all morning…
21. I notice that your Artscroll Siddur is dog-eared at Tehillim. Could I be what youve been praying for?
22. The Tenth Commandment prohibits us from coveting our neighbors property. I sure hope you live across town!
23. You must feel fortunate to have a minyan wherever you go, cause baby, youre a 10!
24. Do you wear a hat to shul even in warm weather? Would you like to?
08
Aug
Found posted in the Physical Planning Office at the Indiana University of Pennsylvania. Author unknown.
ContractorA gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut or deal.
Bid OpeningA poker game in which the losing hand wins.
BidA wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
Low BidderA contractor who is wondering what he left out.
Engineers EstimateThe cost of construction in heaven.
Project ManagerThe conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
Critical Path MethodA management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHAA protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs and baloney – usually applied at random with a shotgun.
StrikeAn effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
Delayed PaymentA tourniquet applied at the pockets.
Completion DateThe point at which liquidated damages begin.
Liquidated DamagesA penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
AuditorPerson who goes in after the war is lost and bayonets the wounded.
LawyerPerson who goes in after the auditors to strip the bodies.