Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Hardy!
Hardy who?
Hardy ha ha!

Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on. It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal. Ill bet you $10 hell jump, said the first guy. Bet you $10 he wont, said the second guy.

Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.

I cant take your money, said the first guy. I cheated you. The same story was on the five oclock news. No, no. Take it, said the second guy. I saw the five oclock news too. I just didnt think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!

A primary school teacher was talking with her class.

Teacher: Mary, what did you do at lunch?

Mary: I played with my doll, Miss.

Teacher: Mary, If you can spell doll, you can go home early.

Mary: D O L L

Teacher: Correct. Brian, what did you do at lunch?

Brian: I played with my ball, Miss.

Teacher: Brain, If you can spell ball, you can go home early.

Brian: B A L L

Teacher: Correct. Rangi, what did you do at lunch?

Rangi: I got hassled by all the other kids for being black, Miss.

Teacher: That sounds like Racial Discrimination. Rangi, If you can spell
Racial Discrimination…

Q.how do you fit an elephant into a subway? A.take the s away from sub and the f away from way

Half the people in Baltimore dream of having their own house. The other half dream about breaking into them.
Amazing city Baltimore. Where else can ya bet on a horse race like the Preakness with your welfare check ?
Most of the natives in Baltimore arent very friendly. In fact, if it werent for muggings, thered be almost no personal contact.
Baltimore still has a Zoo where a lot of the animals are still behind bars. Of course, thats for their own safety & protection.
Theres a snazzy new restaurant in the Inner Harbor that specializes in seafood. The prices are so outrageous though, that when you find a pearl in your oyster, you just about break even.
Chivalry isnt dead yet though. A lady, her arms loaded with a lot of packages, boarded a bus and although no one offered her a seat, one fellow whispered to her, Be alert now, I get off at the stop after next.
In Baltimore, there are people from all walks of life – most run however.
Baltimore is one of the few towns I know of where you can park your car, walk a couple of blocks, and find it for sale.
But seriously, Baltimore is one great town where something happens every minute; unfortunately, most of it goes unsolved though.

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.

A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought, Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I cant run down this lawyer, and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer.

Regardless, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didnt see anything.

He turned to the priest and said, Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.

And the priest replied, Dont worry son. I got him with my door.

-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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Johnny (age 8) comes into the house for dinner after playing outside all afternoon. His parents ask him what he did today. He says that he played baseball and then he proposed to Betty (age 7) the next door neighbor. They are going to get married.

His parents think this is cute, and they dont want to make fun of Johnny so they ask Johnny him How are you and Betty going to pay for the expenses of being married?

He replies Well with the $1 I get each week from you and the $1 she gets from her Mom and Dad, we should do o.k.

His father says Thats fine, but how will you pay the extra expenses if you and Betty have a baby?

Johnny answers Well, so far, weve been lucky …

A U.S. Army survival manual tells how a stranded serviceman should deal
with the inhabitants of wherever he is:

Be respectful of their personal property, especially their women.

A priest and nun are on their way back home from a convention when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it appears that they will have to spend the night in a motel.

The only motel in this town has only one room available so they have a minor problem.

Priest: Sister, I dont think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. Ill sleep on the couch and you take the bed.

Sister: I think that would be okay.

They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later…

Sister: Father, Im terribly cold. Priest: Okay, Ill get up and get you a blanket from the closet.

Ten minutes later…

Sister: Father, Im still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, Ill get up and get you another blanket.

Ten minutes later…

Sister: Father, Im still terribly cold. I dont think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wife just for this one night. Priest: Youre probably right…get up and get your own damn blanket!

Why is Star Trek the same as Toilet paper? Because they both circle Uranus looking for Klingons