Old and New Jokes

Q: Who was the first liberal Democrat?
A: Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where hed been, and did it all on borrowed money.

Number of physicians in the US = 700,000 Accidental deaths caused by physicians/year =120,000. Accidental deaths/physician = 0.171

Number of gun owners in US = 80,000,000 Number of accidental gun deaths/year = 1500 Accidental deaths/gun owner =.0000188



Conclusion – Doctors are approximately 9000 times more dangerous than gun owners!

An actor auditioned for a part in a musical comedy many years ago. The director was impressed with the young mans talent. He could dance, he could sing, he had perfect comic timing.

The director asked the young man his name.

Penis van Lesbian, the man replied proudly.

Well, said the director, well have to change that.

Oh, the young man said, I could never change my name. Its my heritage.

Well, said the director, if youre not willing to change your name, youll never go anywhere in show business.

The young man left the theater dejectedly.

A couple of years later, the director and the young man happened to meet on the street.

Do you remember me, asked the young man?

Yes, I do, said the director. I almost cast you once for a musical comedy. What have you been up to.

Well, I finally took your advice, the young man said. I changed my name and I have been quite successful in show business ever since.

I told you so, the director replied. And what name did you choose, Mr. van Lesbian?

Dick van Dyke.

A zebra dies goes to heaven. When checking in, he tells St. Peter,

Say, I have always wanted to know if I am white with black stripes or black with white stripes.

St. Peter, I cant answer that question…but see God walking around over there? Ask him.

Zebra to God, God, am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?

God looks at the zebra sagely and states, You are what you are.

Frustrated, the zebra returns to St. Peter.

What did He say, asks S.P.

Oh,, replies the zebra. He just said, You are what you are, and I still dont know whether Im black with white stripes or white with black stripes.

Oh, thats easy, says S.P. You are white with black stripes.

How do you know? asks the zebra. Well, says S.P., if you were black with white stripes he would have said you is what you is.

You might be a redneck if…
Your home has more miles on it than your car.

Here are the top ten things that men know about women!1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9.10. Periods?

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Happy, Happy, Happy!

This is the 25,000th joke added to JakesJokes.com!

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on:

The first surgeon says, I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second responds, Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.

The third surgeon says, No, I really think file clerks are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon chimes in with, You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would.

Ladies – Dont throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
Real Women – Leftover wine?? Hello!!Ladies – Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
Real Women – Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who the hell cares!Ladies – Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Real Women – Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Petes sake. You are probably lying on your ass on the couch, with your feet up anyway.Ladies – To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Real Women – Buy boxed mashed potato mix and you dont have to worry about the potatoes growing arms and legs.Ladies – When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there wont be any white powdery mess on the bottom of the cake.
Real Women – Go to the bakery – theyll even decorate the son of a bitch for you.Ladies – Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
Real Women – Sara Lee frozen freakin pie directions do not include brushing egg whites, so dont do it.Ladies – If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Real Women – Go ask the very HOT neighbor guy to do it.And finally the most important tip….A good friend will come and bail you out of jail……. but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, Damn… that was fun!!

One one of the lists I subscribe to, a 14-year old posted this little gem:

Uncle Al thinks very highly of women with lush mammary acreages. Also of women without. And of all the women in-between, too. This is a behavioral phase the human male passes through. It begins at puberty and lasts until death.

Dearn Ann:

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny The Fingers), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldnt I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?