If Men Were to Rewrite The Rules
Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.
Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.
Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.
Rule # 7 When were turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying This is our exit is not necessary.
Pregunta energicamente el Juez al ladrón que acababa de hacer de las suyas en una tienda de ropa: ¡Pero dÃgame!, ¿Qué no penso en su esposa, en sus hijas? Pues la verdad sà pensé su SeñorÃa, pero en la tienda sólo habÃa ropa para hombre.
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of
her students.
The teacher asked, Harry what is your problem? Harry
answered, Im too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the
third -grade and Im smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the third-grade too!
Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principals office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to
the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if
he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the
first-grade and behave.
She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him
and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: What is 3 x 3?
Harry: 9.
Principal: What is 6 x 6?
Harry: 36.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a
third-grade should know.
The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, I think Harry can
go to the third-grade.
Ms Brooks says to the principal, Let me ask him some
questions? The principal and Harry both agree.
Ms Brooks asks, What does a cow have four of that I have only
two of?
Harry, after a moment Legs.
Ms Brooks: What is in your pants that you have but I do not
have?
Harry: Pockets.
Ms Brooks: What does a dog do that a man steps into?
Harry: Pants
Ms Brooks: Whats starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy,
oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Harry: Coconut
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?
The principals eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry was taking charge.
Harry: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting
down and a dog do on three legs?
The principals eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer.
Harry: Shake hands
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some Who am I sort of questions,
okay?
Harry: Yep.
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to
get me up. I get wet before you do.
Harry: Tent
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when youre
bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Harry: Wedding Ring
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When Im not well, I drip. When
you blow me, you feel good.
Harry: Nose
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
quiver.
Harry: Arrow
Ms Brooks: What word starts with an F and ends in K that
means a lot of heat and excitement?
Harry: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong
myself.
What the world is like in TV land:
1. If a woman is running away from someone she will trip and fall.
2. Your car will always start immediately unless you are being chased by a maniacal killer or a monster of genetic creation.
3. Crazed maniacs have super-human strength.
4. The suburbs are exciting.
5. Good guys always shoot better than bad guys.
6. Good guys are always outnumbered.
7. Good guys always win and get the girl.
8. Good guys are always good looking.
9. Ugly people are always bad guys.
10. Teenagers who have sex are destined to die in grotesque ways.
11. There are no ugly women, only ugly men.
12. Court cases are all solved with a surprise witness.
13. Good guys are the only ones who have a sense of humor.
14. Cars will explode in all accidents.
15. Everyone has a dark secret.
16. Cream pies are made to be thrown, never eaten.
17. Haunted houses are never locked.
18. The police are smart.
19. Good guys will only get shot in the arm or leg.
20. All Asian people know Karate.
21. Murders will always be accompanied by sinister music.
22. Rich people are unhappy and evil.
23. Teenagers are smarter than their parents.
24. Indians make good cannon fodder.
25. Thunderstorms spontaneously create murders.
26. Computers never crash.
a) Teenagers can access any computer by using their PCs.
b) Computers know everything.
c) The same 2 keys are used to do everything
d) The user is typing constantly just to display screens of info
27. When someone is dead or dying, there will be a trickle of blood from the corner of their mouth.
28. No one farts, except after eating beans.
29. Nothing cures the blues like killing 30 or 40 bad guys.
30. Bad guys make elaborate inventions to kill the good guys, but never stick around to see if it works.
31. Christmas Eve and Halloween night last for three or four days.
32. Movies based on true stories are made up.
33. Police never wait for back-up.
34. Undercover cops are too good to be spotted.
35. Private detective work is glamorous.
36. All baseball games will be won with a home run in the bottom of the ninth and two outs.
37. All police killings are in self-defense.
38. Everyone wins in Las Vegas.
39. Good guys dont do drugs.
40. The world is teeming with voluptuous, young women who are desperate to have sex with pennyless young guys.
41. Nobody ever has trouble finding good parking spots when they are in a hurry.
42. High School students look thirty years old.
43. Women never do housework, but their homes are always clean.
44. Street vendors carts are magnetically attracted to high-speed car chases.
45. Everyone knows how to pick a lock with one tool.
46. To kill a vampire, you must set out 5 min before sunset.
47. Nobody ever realizes until the end of a monster movie, that everyone that went into that dark cellar never came out.
48. The group always splits up to look for the alien.
49. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will explain the entire plot.
50. The last 5 minutes of any TV show will be stretched out for 20 minutes with commercials.
51. The crazed killer always steps out from behind the door without the victim seeing or hearing him until he is about to drive a huge carving knife or pitchfork into them.
52. Whenever someone hears a noise in the dark they always have to check it out.
53. The crazed killer always walks and still catches the person he wants to kill.
54. All people chasing someone can catch up to a constant distance behind them quickly, but cant use that speed to actually catch the person theyre chasing.
55. No-one ever locks a car when they get out of it (even in New York).
Your mom is so fat, I can get morning exercise by running around here!
Its okay if youre a little bottom heavy.
Hold your ground, even when the heat is on.
Wearing white is always appropriate.
Winter is the best of the four seasons.
It takes a few extra rolls to make a good midsection.
Theres nothing better than a foul weather friend.
The key to life is to be a jolly, happy soul.
Its not the size of the carrot, but the placement that counts.
Were all made up of mostly water.
You know youve made it when they write a song about you.
Accessorize! Accessorize! Accessorize!
Avoid yellow snow. Dont get too much sun.
Its embarrassing when you cant look down and see your feet.
Its fun to hang out in your front yard.
Always put your best foot forward.
Theres no stopping you once youre on a roll.
Submitted-by: mcgrew@Sun.COM (Darin McGrew)
I dont know the origin of this, but we got it via my wifes aunt in
South Dakota. For those days when the little ones have gotten to be
just a bit too much…
MOMS BROWNIES
Remove teddy bear from oven and preheat oven to 375.
Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan.
Remove teddy bear from oven and tell Jr. no, no.
Add margarine to 2 cups sugar.
Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards.
Measure 1/3 cup cocoa.
Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat.
Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing
shortening from cats tail.
Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1-1/2 cups sifted flour.
Take smoldering teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows
for ventilation.
Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call
was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct
dialed call removed from bill.
Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well.
Let cat out of refrigerator.
Pour mixture into well-greased 9×13-inch pan.
Bake 25 minutes.
Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you
have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside
while theres still time and hes still able to run away.
FROSTING
Mix the following in saucepan:
1 cup sugar
1 oz unsweetened chocolate
1/4 cup margarine
Take the darn teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away–
far away.
Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didnt
know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the
street. Put Jr. in playpen.
Add 1/3 cup milk, dash of salt, and boil, stirring constantly for 2
minutes.
Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden
hose in mans front door mail slot. Promise to pay for
ruined carpet.
Tie Billy to clothesline.
Remove burned brownies from oven.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a triple scotch.
The bartender pours him the drink and the guy downs it in one gulp. Wow, says the bartender, Something bad must have happened.
Yeah it did, he said. I came home early today, went up to the bedroom, and found my wife having sex with my best friend.
The bartender pours the guy another triple shot. This ones on the house. The dude gulps it down once again. The bartender asks Did you say anything to your wife ?
The guy answers Yea, I walked up to her, told her to pack her bags and get out !
What about your friend ? asks the bartender. I looked him straight in the eye and said BAD DOG
PLEASE NOTE: If you find jokes about Christianity offensive… DO NOT READ THIS JOKE!
Vatican Rescinds Blessed Status of Worlds Meek- Screw the Meek, Says Pope
VATICAN CITY–In a historic reversal of its nearly 2,000-year-old pro-meek stance, the Catholic Church announced Tuesday that it is permanently rescinding the traditional blessed status of the worlds meek.
Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, Blessed are the meek, said Pope John Paul II in a papal bull read before the College of Cardinals. However, there has always been a tacit understanding between the Church and the meek that this blessed status was conditional upon their inheritance of the Earth, an event which seems unlikely to happen anytime in the foreseeable future. Our relationship, therefore, must be terminated.
Screw the meek, the pope added.
Citing two millennia of inaction and non-achievement by the worlds impoverished and downtrodden, the pope contended that the meeks historic inability to improve their worldly status constituted bad faith on their part.
Twenty centuries should have been more than enough time for them to inherit the earth, the Supreme Pontiff said. For years, the Catholic Church has made every effort to help them, but at some point, enough is enough. We are patient, but we are not saints.
Catholic leaders around the world were vocal in their support of the pope.
The meek have abused their blessed status for far too long now, said Bernard Law, Archbishop of Boston. From the Renaissance to the Industrial Revolution to the current Global Information Age, the meek have always somehow managed to sit back and do nothing while others worked hard to make advances and improve their lives. They have collected the Catholic Churchs spiritual welfare checks for long enough.
Everything about the meek, from their simple garments to their quiet demeanors to their utter lack of can-do spirit, goes against Church philosophy, Cardinal Jean-Claude Turcotte of Montréal said. Sitting back and expecting the Lord to provide is not the type of behavior for which the Church should be rewarding its followers.
The change in policy toward the meek is also rooted in financial considerations: According to Vatican statistics, though more than 80 percent of the worlds Catholics live below the poverty line, the Catholic Church receives less than 2 percent of its annual earnings of $395 billion from such people.
The meeks blessed status was originally bestowed upon them by Jesus Christ Himself, but there is enough latitude in His gospels and teachings to allow us discretion in this manner, the Pope said, especially in light of the financial goals of the Church as it enters the 21st century. From this day forward, the Church position shall be, Blessed are the affluent, for they have indeed inherited the Earth.
In an effort to move away from its traditional meek core demographic and attract more upscale worshipers, Vatican officials announced a number of changes for the Gospels. Among them: Christ shall be said to have been born in a rustic-but-spacious birthing suite and not a manger, with the amount of gold and frankincense bestowed upon Him by the wise men quadrupled and the amount of myrrh halved; it shall henceforth be as easy for a rich man to enter Heaven as it is for a camel to pass through a heated three-car garage; and the episode between Christ and the moneylenders in the temple shall from now on be interpreted as an internecine argument over appropriately aggressive fundraising tactics.
According to Holy See spokesperson Salvatore Vittorio, a new Catholic Church payment plan has been established, with blessedness and Gods everlasting love free of charge once a nominal baptism/membership fee has been paid. For an additional fee, Catholics can become Gold Circle members of the Church, entitling them to such perks as forgiveness, sainthood and special priority seating at the right hand of the Father upon death.
We do not wish the Church to become completely exclusionary, Vittorio said. If any of the former meek wish to change their ways, they may certainly do so. But it wont be the free ride they got before, I can promise you that.
The Lord will provide, of course, the pope said. But He also helps those who help themselves, if you know what I mean.
Three nuns were in the church the other day and the 1st nun says, I was going through the Fathers office and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines! What did you do? the other nuns asked.Well, of course I threw them in the trash. The second nun said, Well, I can top that. I was in Fathers room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms! Oh my! gasped the other nuns.What did you do? they asked. I poked holes in all of them! she replied.The third nun fainted.