Old and New Jokes

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.

There were 4 guys sitting in a bar. One of them decided to play a little game about what each of them thought was the fastest thing in the world.



Well the first guy says, I think a Concord Jet is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of sound.



Well the second guy says, Well I think I got you beat on that one! I think lightning is the fastest thing in the world, because it can go faster than the speed of light and sound.



Well the third guy says, Well I believe i have both of you beat. The brain is the fastest thing in the world, because whenever you need something, it is right there for you.



Well the fourth guys clearly states, Well I have got you all beat! I think the anal sphincter muscle is the fastest thing in the world.



The other three guys say really? Whys that?



And the fourth guys says, Well I was on a Concord Jet, it got struck by lightning, and I didnt know what to do … so I shit my pants!

One day a Canadian an Indian and an American went to a cliff.

The American says Lets each throw something over the cliff
that we have too much of in our countries.

The American throws $100. The other two say Whatd ya do that
for? The American replies Money weve got plenty of it in the US.

The Indian pulls out a bag of weed and throws it over. The other
two say Whatd ya do that for? The Indian relpies Drugs, weve got
it too much in India.

The Canadian throws the Indian over the cliff. The American says
That was kinda cold, what was that for? The Canadian replies:
Weve too much of that in our country.

The matchmaker goes to visit Nathan Birnbaum, a handsome, middle-aged, bachelor, and owner of several very sucessful Gentlemans Clubs.


She claimed she had the perfect match for him.

Vat do I need a vife for, I have two young sisters det look after all my all my needs.

Dats all vell and gut she replied, However, your sisters cant fulfill the role of a vife.

I said I had two sisters, I didnt say det vere MY sisters

A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild
thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were
only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him,
What happened to the other five condoms?

His nervous reply was, Er, I masturbated with them.

Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him
the story, and then asked him, Have you ever done that?

Yeah, once or twice, he told her.

You mean youve actually masturbated with a condom before? she
asked.

Oh, he said, I thought you were asking if Id ever lied to my
girlfriend.

Why its better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

3. Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.

4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

6. Weve never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.

7. Taxis stop for us.

8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

9. We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies … (you get the point).

11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks were gay.

12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WERE gay.

13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

14. Its possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.

15. We dont have to fart to amuse ourselves.

16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.

18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

20. If were dumb, some people will find it cute.

21. We dont have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.

22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, were aware that we look like an idiot.

25. Our friends wont think were weird if we ask whether theres spinach in our teeth.

26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

27. Well never regret piercing our ears.

28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

A young boy, about seven years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

No laundry the boy said, Im going to wash my dog.

But you shouldnt use this to wash your dog. Its very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, hell get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

Oh, he died, the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog.

The boy replied, I dont think it was the detergent that killed him.

Oh, What was it then? I think it was the spin cycle!

Three coaches flew to the NCAA convention. The plane crashed, all three d ied. All three noticed God up in the clouds sitting in a chair. God wanted to know three things: Who are you? What did you do? and What did people think of you?

The first person said, Im Denny Crum. I was the 2nd best coach in the nation. I won 2 national championships and won over 20 games a year and the people of Kentucky think I am great.

God said, Denny, stand to my right.

The next person said, Im John Thompson. I was the 3rd best coach in the nation. I won conference championships and made our program respectable. The people of Washington DC think I am great.

God said, John, stand on my left side.

The third person stood before God and said, Im Bobby Knight. I have won three national championships, two NIT championships, the Pan Am games, the Olympics, nine Big Ten championships, the youngest coach ever to win 600 games and the people of Indiana think you are sitting in my chair.

A: Three, but theyre really only one.

Its a simple feat to format and reuse AOL disks… but with a little imagination, a truly useful purpose can be found for those pesky white platters invading our mailboxes and magazines.

Mini cutting board (great for the office or the car, use metal door for knife).
Attach it to a ruler and presto! – youve got a fly swatter.
Construct a life size replica of Stonehenge.
At a restaurant, shove one under a wobbling table leg.
Money clip (use the metal door and discard the plastic case… the rich nerd look is IN this year).
Eye patch (for one-eyed software pirates).
Christmas ornaments (the more the merrier).
Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
Glue them to the bottom of the space shuttle and use them as re-entry burn tiles.
Dentures (melt & form them into new teeth for grandma).
Room dividers for hamsters.
Drink coasters.
Use multiple disks to create an ideal door stopper.
Ice scraper.
Bathroom tile.
Bookmark.
Mini frisbee.
Air hockey puck.
Dog chew toy.
Dart board.
Pooper scooper.
Grill scraper.
Use them for karate board-breaking demonstrations (save a tree).
Wrist slicer – after receiving first AOL bill (use metal door).
Conversation piece for coffee table.
Destroy them – smash, burn, or run over to relieve stress.
Light switch cover.
Chinese throwing stars (tape 2 together).
Clay pigeons for target practice.
Greeting card (bind two together at one end).
Halloween treat (give them away all night long).
Bullet proof vest (arrange together in triple thickness).
Firewood.
Bird house.
Paper weights.
Pen holders (make a box without a top).
Post-it notes holder.
Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back).
A very sturdy base for putting the motorcycle sidestand on when parking on soft surfaces.
Keep em in the trunk for extra traction in the snow.
Solar Eclipse Glasses (open door and look through disk at the sun/moon – actually works).
Placing one in each back pocket helps children who get paddled by the coach. This spreads the force to a wider area.
Make an AOL disk & pasta casserole.
Incense burners (put stick in hole of disk hub and light the incense).
Bug Shield (glue a bunch to the front of your cars hood).
Put them on car windshields at the mall (along with this list).
Melt the plastic of the disks into a giant sculpture.
Hand them out as party favors.
Hidden/spare key holder (crack open one side, insert key and then place near door. Completely safe… who would want an AOL disk?).
Vertical blinds.
Be an AOL diskette surgeon and disect a diskette.
Bench press weights (I can press 120).
Grind em up and refertilize the front lawn.
The new Dominos stuffed-crust pizza filling.
Tell the kids to leave warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
Brake shoes.
House insulation.
Recycle them for the scrap metal.
Kitchen tile for Bill Gates new mansion in Seattle (walk all over the competition).
Hockey Puck.
Add water and special plant life to make a Chia-Disk.
Noise maker for your bike spokes (why damage your valuable baseball cards).
Put one on a leash and drag it along as you walk… makes the perfect pet.
Poker chips.
Baseball practice (throw them up in the air and hit them with the bat).
Keychain (Put a key ring through one of the write-protect holes and youve got a snappy executive bathroom keychain for the office).
Mail to 10 friends – start an AOL chain-letter (add a disk with each link).
Earmuffs (glue some fur on one side, then attach a U-shaped piece of bent coathanger to both disks).
Grind them up to make fake snow.
Earrings (put loop into write-protect hole).
Dental floss (use actual disk).
Use them for zipper pulls (instead of ski lift tickets).
When your collection of disks reaches 52, use them for a deck of cards.
Use them to fill potholes.
Hood ornament.
Snow blower replacement blades.
Put them in your shirt pocket to make you look smart.
Make two stacks of 10 and use them as heels for platform shoes.
Rubiks cube case (make into box).
Shipping material (keeps your photos from being bent in the mail).
Protect your table from burns caused by hot pots and pans.
Snack trays (great for holding hors doeuvres at parties).
Give them as stocking stuffers to all those people who get you mad.
Fly paper (use actual disk and put string through middle, hang 2 apart and apply honey to disks).
Pocket protector (gee Gilbert I really like your new pocket protector – thanks, Lewis).
They make a *dandy* addition to a #$*+&% neighbors back yard. Better yet, get them to actually install it on their computer.
Use them as elbow and knee pads.
Wax scraper for snowboards.
Use them to decorate your aquarium and create Computer City under water.
Tape a few together and use them as a mouse pad.
Collect a large mass and detonate a supernova.
A wind clacker (similar to a wind chime).
Soap dish (remove metal to prevent rusting).
Row markers for your vegetable garden. (carrots, beans, peas…).
Makes the perfect dance floor for your ant colony.
Bread roller (use actual disks and put rod through center-use about 100).
Hot glue gun resting/protecting pad.
Baby mobile.
Fence (may need a few thousand).
Toe tags for mortuaries. Great for identifying dead computer nerds.
Wonderbra inserts for that Madonna-techno look.