Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
07
Oct
07
Oct
Llega un señor a un restaurante y pide una sopa de fideos, al empezar a comerse su sopa se da cuenta que dentro de la sopa hay pelos, trozos de uñas y otras porquerÃas, por lo que se molesta y le dice al mesonero:
Usted no sabe quien soy yo, yo soy un inspector de sanidad y este lugar es una porquerÃa, asà que lleveme a la cocina.
Al entrar en la cocina se encuentra a un gordo todo sucio, cochino haciendo arepas. El gordo agarraba la masa, la hacÃa una bolita y se la metÃa en la axila para poder darle la forma redonda, por lo que el inspector le dice:
Usted esta loco, cómo se atreve a hacer semejante cochinada, eso es insalubre voy a hacer que cierren este restaurante.
Y el gordo responde:
Y eso que todavÃa no ha visto como es que hago las donas…
07
Oct
Economia Tradicional: Tienes 2 vacas. Vendes 1 y te compras un Toro. Tu rebaño se multiplica y la economÃa crece. Las vendes y te jubilas con los beneficios.
Corporación Americana: Tienes 2 vacas, vendes una y fuerzas a la otra a producir la leche de 4. Te sorprendes cuando la misma muere extenuada.
Corporación Japonesa: Tienes 2 vacas, las rediseñas para que tengan una décima parte de su tamaño y produzcan 20 veces mas leche, luego inventas un programa llamado Vakemon y lo vendes a todo el mundo.
Corporación Alemana: Tienes 2 vacas. Haces una re-ingenierÃa de las vacas para que vivan 100 años, coman una vez al mes y se ordeñen solas.
Corporacion Colombiana: Tienes 2 vacas, 18000 soldados para protegerlas, 373 agentes de la DEA vigilando el proceso. Decides venderlas al narcotrafico para poder pagar los soldados. Pides mas vacas al congreso Norteamericano.
Corporacion Rusa: Tienes 2 vacas. Las cuentas y llegas a la conclusión que tienes 5. Las vuelves a contar y dices que tienes 42. Las cuentas una ultima vez y llegas al numero 12. Luego dejas de contar y te tomas otra botella de Vodka.
Corporacion Argentina: TenÃas 20 Mil vacas, todas pertenecÃan a Argentina, tenÃas un crecimiento económico alto. Vendiste todas las vacas, te robaste la plata, luego te casas con Cecilia Boloco.
Corporacion Judia: Tienes 2 vacas en tu territorio: una judia y una palestina, tratas de repartir el pasto para alimentarlas, pero es imposible negociar con ellas, se genera un conflicto y una de ellas se hace Vaca-bomba. ¡PUM! te quedas sin vacas…
Corporacion Taliban: Tienes 2 vacas. Les enseñas a volar aviones.
Corporacion Hindu: Tienes 2 vacas. Las adoras.
Corporacion Jamaiquina: Tienes 2 vacas las 2 con Bozales. Tu negocio es la hierba, no las vacas.
Corporacion Africana: No te preocupes, no tendrÃas vacas.
Corporacion Centroamericana: Tienes dos vacas, las llamas reses y las pones a jugar en el campeonato de futbol local.
07
Oct
Llega un tipo a casa de su compadre y le dice compadre, vamos a casar un león, el mas grande para que me den un premio.
Y el otro compadre le dice Ahorita no, tengo cosas que hacer.
Se va el compadre y a la entrada de la montaña ve un león grandÃsimo, le dispara una vez y nada, otra y nada y el león se va sobre él, y el señor empieza a correr. En una de esas el león se resbala y cae al suelo, y el señor sigue corriendo y el león se vuelve a resbalar y, se resbala otra vez mientras persigue al señor, hasta que el señor se sube a un árbol.
A los tres dÃas regresa y le dice a su compadre lo que pasó: que el león mientras lo perseguÃa se resbalaba, y le dice el compadre:
¿Y usted que hizo?
Yo me subà a un árbol.
¡Coño, compadre, yo en su lugar me hubiese cagado!
Y el otro le dice:
¡PUES CON QUÉ CREES QUE SE RESBALABA EL LEON!
07
Oct
A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender.
The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order. Whatll it be? the bartender says.
The duck says, I think Ill have the grapes. Well, Im sorry sir, but this is a bar, we dont serve grapes here. Now, Ill let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want.
The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. Ok, you got your order? The duck nods, saying, Ill think Ill have the grapes.
The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, Look Mac, we dont have any grapes here. This is a bar. We dont serve grapes, so what will you have?!
The duck looks at him in the eyes and says, Ill have the grapes.
The bartender, enraged, shouts, If you ask for the grapes one more time Im going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!
The bartender cools off a bit. Now what will you get?! Got any nails? OF COURSE WE DONT HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?
Good, got any grapes?
07
Oct
A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but Nescafe. Mum was puzzled at first, but then went the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: Good till the last drop. Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: Benson & Hedges. Mum now knew to go straight to her husbands cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: Extra Long. King Size. She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mum waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words British Airways. Mum took out her latest Harpers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for British Airways. The ad said: Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.
Mum fainted.
07
Oct
If something is done wrong often enough, it becomes right.
07
Oct
One Day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt.
When the bus arrived, and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight that she couldnt get her foot high enough to reach the step.
Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reaches back and unzipps her skirt a little.
She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reaches back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldnt reach the step.
So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reaches back and unzips her skirt all the way.
Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifts up her leg only to realize that she still couldnt reach the step.
So, seeing how embarrased the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus.
The girl turns around furiously and says, “How dare you touch my body that way, I dont even know you!”
Shocked, the man says, “Well, maam, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.”
07
Oct
A pompous clergyman was seated next to an overbearing attorney on a flight to Wichita. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.
The attorney asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The attendant then asked, The minister if he would also like a drink. The minister replied in disgust, Id rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips.
The attorney then handed his drink back to the attendant and told her with delight, I didnt know there was a choice.
07
Oct
*** Actual bloopers Doctors have written on patient charts. ***
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patients past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Since she cant get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
14. She is numb from her toes down.
15. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
16. The skin was moist and dry.
17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
19. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
20. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
22. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
23. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
24. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.