Old and New Jokes

How many Frat boys does it take to change a lightbulb?

11… One to hold the lightbulb, and 10 to drink until the room spins.

This is true story from the newspaper The Cape Times (South Africa):

For several months, our nurses have been baffled to find a patient dead in the same bed every Friday morning a spokeswoman for the Pelonomi Hospital (Free State, South Africa) told reporters.



There was no apparent cause for any of the deaths, and extensive checks on the air conditioning system, and a search for possible bacterial infection, failed to reveal any clues. However, further inquiries have now revealed the cause of these deaths…



It seems that every Friday morning a cleaning lady would enter the ward, remove the plug that powered the patients life support system, plug her floor polisher into the vacant socket, then go about her business. When she had finished her chores, she would plug the life support machine back in and leave, unaware that the patient was now dead. She could not, after all, hear the screams and eventual death rattle over the whirring of her polisher.



We are sorry, and have sent a strong letter to the cleaner in question. Further, the Free State Health and Welfare Department is arranging for an electrician to fit an extra socket, so there should be no repetition of this incident. The inquiry is now closed. (Cape Times)



The headline of the newspaper story was, Cleaner Polishes Off Patients

You Ought to be in Pictures: More than 50 people responded to an
invitation to a casting call for a Robert DeNiro movie being shot in
Boston. The only problem was, the invitations were sent by police. To
people with outstanding arrest warrants. One woman complained she
took a day off from work to meet DeNiro. She was led away in
handcuffs instead. Its so nice to scam people who are scammers,
one detective said. The casting call, sent to 3,800 fugitives,
offered more than $200 for two hours of work as extras, plus the
chance of becoming famous. (UPI)

Fast food makes you sick quick.

Things Men Should Never Say After Sex:

1) I was kidding about being sterile, you know.

2) Do you always fart like that when someone shoves it in?

3) How come its so BIG in there?

4) Youve done this with a lotta guys before—right?

5) Next time I come over, dont bother with the underwear, OK?

6) (Sniff, sniff) Is that CAT food?

7) (Yelling) OK guys, its a wrap, cut, and print it!!

8) You are great in bed, but your sister gives better head!

9) My first wife was prettier, but you can screw a lot better.

10)Do you know what a douche is?

11)Maybe if you did some pushups, your boobs would grow.

12)I want you to try some of MY deodorant.

13)Im not into relationships. Cant we just screw, like every Tuesday night or something?

14)Maybe if you lost some weight, I could get it all the way in!

15)I never saw a girl with hairy tits before !

16)Ive been getting these little blisters lately——-

17)You wanna do those dishes before you leave?

18)You should go wash that, the cabbie will think something DIED in there!

(must be read with an Italian or other foreign accent)

One day ima gonna America to bigga hotel.

Inna morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate you sonna ma bitch. I dont even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock. I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table you sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand. I wanna shit onna my bed. He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: Peace on you.

I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

WASHINGTON, D.C.–The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular
Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are
becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without
question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows
up in their InBox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it
is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of
silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, E-Mail viruses, taxes on
modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.

These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery
tickets based on fortune cookie numbers, a spokesman said. Most are
otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told
to them by a stranger on a street corner. However, once these same
people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe
anything they read on the Internet.

My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone, reported
one weeping victim. I believe every warning message and sick child
story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are
anonymous.

Another victim, now in remission, added, When I first heard about
Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there
were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the
virus must be true. It was a long time, the victim said, before she
could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, My
name is Jane, and Ive been hoaxed. Now, however, she is spreading
the word. Challenge and check whatever you read, she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the
virus, which include the following:

the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking

the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others

a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if
a story is true

T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one
reporter, I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all
shampoos makes your hair fall out, so Ive stopped using shampoo.
When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop
reading e-mail, so that he would not become infected.

Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.
Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet
users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item
tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and
tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet
community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is
online help from many sources, including

Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory
Capability at http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html

Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at
http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html

McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at
http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html

Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at
http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html

The Urban Legends Web Site at http://www.urbanlegends.com

Urban Legends Reference Pages at http://www.snopes.com

Datafellows Hoax Warnings at
http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm

Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate
themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good
material on evaluating sources, such as

Evaluating Internet Research Sources at
http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm

Evaluation of Information Sources at
http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm

Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at
http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the
Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who
forwards them a hoax.

Forward this message to all your friends right away! Dont think
about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Dont
check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it!
This story is so important, were using lots of exclamation points!!!
For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person,
the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to
itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding
these messages all over creation, youre obviously thinking too
much.)

A computer was something on TV From a science-fiction show of note
A window was something you hated to clean
And ram was the cousin of a goat Meg was the name of my girlfriend
And gig was a job for the nights
Now they all mean different things And that really mega bytes. An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano. Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3-in. floppy
You hoped nobody found out. Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
Youd be in jail for a while. Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode. Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spiders home
And a virus was the flu. I guess Ill stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobodys been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead.

10 Things People Around the World Learn About Americans by Watching Baywatch

1. American men and women spend 15 percent of their days running in slow motion along the beach.

2. Americans almost drown an average of two times each hour.

3. Despite the habit of breathing water, CPR always works and no one actually dies, except from cancer.

4. People in the U.S. look thoughtfully at the ocean for an average of 15 seconds after being told anything of any importance.

5. Americans never worry about getting enough to eat, but fat people are unreliable and sometimes evil.

6. Most American women have abnormally large breasts that are worshipped via close-ups for an average of two minutes and thirteen seconds per hour.

7. When swimming in California, you are more likely to be attacked by jewel thieves or taken hostage by terrorists than you are to drown.

8. Most activity that takes place off the beach occurs in montages and lasts no longer than two minutes.

9. Although Americans, especially lifeguards, complain that they are poor, they all have expensive sports cars and luxurious homes.

10. Motorboats, unlike cars, will not talk back to David Hasselhoff.

An old woman in a Nursing Home looks up one day to find an elderly man looking down on her. She smiled and asked him what he wanted.

To get straight to the point, I know we are old and can no longer pleasure in sexual activity, but I was wondering if you would help me.

Of course, she smiled.

I was wondering if we could take a wander down to the park and if your could hold my penis for a while.

The old woman saw no harm in it,so she agreed. Since then they made it a regular occurence, and every day the 2 elderly people sat on the park bench and she held his penis.

One day,the woman went to the bench,but the man was not there. Feeling hurt, she looked around for him. To her amazement, she saw him and another woman-SHE was holding his penis!

What does SHE have that I dont? She screeched.

He looked up at her and smiled.

Parkinsons, he replied.