Old and New Jokes

Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?

A: Porkchop!

Q: What has four legs and no ears?

A: Mike Tysons dog.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

178. Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate commets, pretend not to hear anything.

Laughing gas in balloons

At a friends wedding, the bridal party filled their car with balloons–all filled with laughing gas. They put them everywhere, under seats, in the glove box, etc. They popped the balloons, and everyone was relaxed and laughing. But balloons were popping all during the trip of their honeymoon. They said they enjoyed the trick.

Three nuns were sitting on a park bench one day. A flasher walked up and showed
them his stuff.
The first nun had a stroke.
The second nun had a stroke.
The third nuns arm was too short.

A truck driver was driving down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. He stopped to pick up the priest and give him a ride.

A ways down the road the truck driver saw a lawyer on the side of the road. He turned the truck on a direct course with the lawyer. Then he thought, Oh no, I have a priest in the truck. I cant run down this lawyer, and at the last second the truck driver swerved to miss the lawyer.

Regardless, the truck driver heard a thump outside of the truck. He looked in his rear-view mirror but didnt see anything.

He turned to the priest and said, Sorry Father, I just missed that lawyer at the side of the road.

And the priest replied, Dont worry son. I got him with my door.

-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

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Two dwarfs were on a golf vacation, and after playing 36 holes on the first day, they hit the local bar.

After a few drinks, they decided to pick up two prostitutes and take them back to their hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, was unable to get an erection. His depression was made worse by the fact that from the next room he heard cries of One, two, three … uhh! all night long.

On the first tee the next morning, the second dwarf asked the first, How did it go?

The first whispered back, It was so embarrassing. I couldnt get an erection.

The second dwarf shook his head. You think thats embarrassing? he cried. I couldnt even get on the damn bed!

The pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring generals body between two points he chose.

The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000.

The second general asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. 8 feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.

Meantime, the first general had tipped off the third. When he was asked where to measure, he told the pension man, from the tip of my penis to the tip of my testicles. The pension man said that would be fine but hed better get the Medical Officer to do the measuring.

The Medical Officer attended and asked the general to drop em… he did… The Medical Officer placed the tape on the tip of the generals penis and began to work back.

My God!, he said, where are your testicles?

The general replied, back in Vietnam!

Several dozen brunette, redhead, and blonde guys were facing execution via firing squad. The firing squad took the brunettes first, and the leader said Ready, aim … at which point the brunettes yelled Earthquake!!!.



The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out whether there was an earthquake or not, the brunette guys all took off and escaped. Undaunted, the firing squad took the redheads next, and the leader again said Ready, aim … at which point the redheads

yelled Tornado!!!.



The firing squad looked around anxiously and while they were trying to figure out which direction the tornado was coming from, the redhead guys all took off and escaped. The firing squad took the blonde guys last, and by now the blondes had it all figured out; when the right time came just yell out the name of some natural disaster. So when the firing squad leader said Ready, aim … , the blonde guys all yelled out Fire!!!.

A blonde is explaining to her girlfriend the bad day shed had at work, that her boss had suffered a heart attack and died.

How horrible said the friend, what did you do?

The blonde replies, Well there was nothing I could do, he kept yelling at me to call 9-1-1, but he wouldnt tell me the rest of the numbers!