Walking past the Royal Courts of Justice one day, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands.
Whats the matter?
he asked of his friend, did your lawyer give you bad advice ..?
No – its worse than that, replied the friend between sobs, he sold it to me…
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
A French guy, an American guy and a Cuban guy are standing on a cliff. The French guy throws a case of fine wine off the cliff. Why did you do that?asked the other men. We have plenty of fine wine in France, said the man. Next, the Cuban guy throws a box of fine cigars off the cliff. Why did you do that? asked the other men. We have plenty of cigars in Cuba, said the Cuban man. Finally, the American man pickes up the Cuban man and throw him off the cliff. What did you do that for? asked the French man. We have plenty of Cubans in America, answered the American man.
You will experience great sex within four days of receiving this letter, provided you send it on. Since the copy must tour the world, you must make ten copies and send them to others. This is no joke. 😉
Send no money.
Send copies to people who need to get laid within 96 hours. After he passed this letter on, a Montana Spinach Control Officer got his penis stuck in a cow-milking machine and had the longest series of orgasms of his life.
John Elliot tried to pick up a prostitute, but, because he broke the chain, was picked up by the police instead. When they searched his home, they found magazines of little boys which they showed to his neighbors.
In a suburb of Paris, Don Lorays trousers were ripped by an unsatisfied erection, 51 days after failing to circulate the letter. However, before this happened, a condom machine gave him three condoms for the price of one. (was this the consolation prize?)
Do note the following: Hebert Pudstrom received the chain in 1953. He asked his secretary to make ten copies and send them out. A few days later he encountered her in a red-light district making more than he had ever paid her at work.
General George Patton, who sent the letter on, saw what he thought was a quarter in the street. When he bent down to pick it up, a beautiful woman in a miniskirt walked by, and he got a great view.
Heywood Daddit, an unemployed chicken choker, received the letter and forgot that it had to leave his hands within 96 hours. His wife then went bowling with his best friend and never returned. Later, after finding the letter again, he mailed ten copies. A few days later he got a wife and discovered that his old wife, who he thought was wonderful, had made love to him like a dead salmon for all these years!
Alan Fairchild received the letter and, not believing, threw the letter away. Nine days later he spilled hot coffee in his crotch.
In 1987 the letter received by a young woman in Texas was faded and barely readable, so she did not realize that this paragraph applied to her. She promised herself she would retype the letter and send it on, but she put it aside to do later. She was plagued with problems including herpes and other venereal diseases she contracted in her futile attempts to find Mr. Right in a singles bar. The letter did not leave her hands in 96 hours. She finally typed the letter and found a man with a 10-inch penis.
Beware, however of the fate of the E-mail user at Trent University, Peterborough, ONT, that sent this letter to himself over five thousand times in one afternoon. Before leaving the computer lab a strange woman came up behind him, bit his ear and put her hand down his pants. The ensuing surprise caused him to stumble forward and cry out. As he attempted to arrest his fall by grabbing a nearby PC, a gob of spittle that had been flung from his mouth (as he cried out) landed deep into the inner recesses of the computer, all three (student, strange woman and computer) then experienced simultaneous Cyber-Orgasms of exponential intensity before exploding in a puff of smoking data.
You must distribute at least ten copies within 96 hours of receiving this letter. Those who do will find their love lives more fulfilling. Those who do not will be doomed to one-night stands with mechanical devices!
A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quivering voice, Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-dildos h-here?
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old ladys appearance in his shop, answered Uh, yes, maam. We do.
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, D-do y-you ha-aave any ab-bb-bout th-this l-long?
Well, yes maam, we do. We have several that size.
Forming a 5 circle with her fingers, she then asked, A-are an-nny ofth-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?
Well… Yes, a few of them are about that big.
D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a vv-ii-bra-a-ator?
Yes, Maam, one of them does.
W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do y-you t-turn it off?
An 80 year old man went to the doctor to ask for a prescription for Viagra. The doctor was a bit taken aback not only by his age but also because he was a widower. He told him he would have to have a physical first to make sure his heart, etc., was up to it.
He checked out OK for a man his age, so the doctor handed him a sample package. Lets just try a couple of pills first and see how well you tolerate it. If it works out Ill write you a prescription.
The old man looked at the pills and said Doc. Dont you have something smaller? All I want is a quarter of a pill.
Sir, you are 80 years old. Trust me on this. You dont want a quarter of a pill. That wont do you any good at all. If you want a satisfactory sexual experience youre going to need a full dose.
Doc, you dont understand. I dont want to have sex. I just want to get the damn thing out there far enough that I can stop peeing on my shoes.
Joke found on http://www.huumor.com
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.One lady says, You know, Im getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldnt remember whether I had justcome up or was about to go down.
The second lady says, You think thats bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldnt remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!
The third lady smiles smugly. Well, my memorys just as good as itsalways been, knock wood. She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, Whos there?
Little Johnny is in the first grade and is told by the teacher hes going to be in the class play.
He tells her: No, I wont be in the class play.
The teacher says: You have to be in the class play.
He tells her: No, I wont be in the class play.
She says: Look, if youre not in the class play, youll break your mothers heart. I know how you feel so Ill give you the easiest part. All you have to say is Hark, theres hope for her soul. Ill snatch a kiss and steal off in the night. Shakespeare.
Reluctantly the kid agrees.
On the big night his moment comes. The stage lights are on him, his mother smiles and Johnny says: Hark, theres soap in her hole. Ill kiss her snatch and beat off in the night. Snakeshit … er … Spereshit … er … Oh, fuck it. I didnt want to be in the play in the first place.
A man phones home from the office and tells his wife, "Something has just come up. I have the chance to go fishing for a week. Its the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away, so can you pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas? Ill be home in an hour to pick them up."He hurries home, grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks, "Did you have a good trip?""Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.""Oh no I didnt. I put them in your tackle box."
Q: How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Hey man, I just do sound.
A2: One: Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band.
A3: One, two, three, one, two, three.