Old and New Jokes

The phone rings at FBI headquarters.

Hello? Im calling to report my neighbor, Clifford. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!

Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbors house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbors and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbors house. Hey, Clifford, did the FBI come?

Yep.

Did they chop your firewood?

Yep.

Great, now its your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.

Un tipo anda de visita en China, pero no tiene lugar donde quedarse. Tras mucho buscar encuentra alojamiento en el décimo piso de un edificio.

El anciano dueño le advierte: Tengo que decile que yo tenel helmosa hija que dolmil junto a su cualto, señol, pelo si algo llegal a pasale a ella, ustéd lecibilá los tles castigos chinos.

El tipo se va a dormir y por la noche se levanta al baño, ve a la hermosa hija del chino y sin acordarse de la advertencia del anciano se acuesta con la muchacha.

A la mañana siguiente, el tipo se iba a despedir, pero en la cama encuentra un papelito que dice:

Primer castigo chino: roca sobre las piernas y en ese momento, de la nada cae una enorme roca que lo aplasta. Sin embargo, el hombre saca fuerzas y tira la roca por la ventana.

En eso, otro papelito cae: Segundo castigo: la roca está amarrada al huevo izquierdo.

El tipo no lo piensa más y se tira por la ventana. Al ir cayendo, ve que en su camisa está escrito el tercer castigo chino: ¡huevo derecho amarrado a la cabecera de la cama!

A burglar got into a house one holiday night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice say, Jesus is watching you.

He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables.



He heard again, Jesus is watching you. This time he shined his light all over, and it rested on a parrot.



He asked, Did you say that?



The parrot admitted that he had. Im just trying to warn you, is all.



The burglar sad, Warn me, huh? A parrot? Who are you? Whats your name?



Moses.



Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?



The bird answered, I dont know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler Jesus……..

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed.

She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?



The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.



I cant, dear, she said. I have to sleep in Daddys room.



A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: The big sissy.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Cass!
Cass who?
Cass more flies with honey than vinegar!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Custer!
Custer who?
Custer a penny to find out!

Ski lift sign, as seen in the Sunday Oregonian (via Parade magazines
annual end of the year celebration circa 1990):

Going beyond this point may result in death and/or loss of skiing privileges.

Deep in the woods sat a bear and a squirrel at the communal latrine. Hmmm says the bear to the squirrel, Do you find that shit tends to stick to your fur?

Yes it does replies the squirrel.

Great! says the bear, and wipes his ass with the squirrel.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. But why?, they asked, as they moved off.

Because, he said, I cant stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

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