Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors

Un tipo toca a la puerta de una casa y responde un niño:

Nene, ¿tu mamá?

Está en el baño.

Ah, ¿y tu papá?

También está en el baño.

¿Crees qué se demorarán?

Creo que sí, porque me pidieron la vaselina y les pase el pegamento.

This farmer had an old rooster and he thought it might be time to get a new young rooster to service his hens. He got himself a new rooster and let him loose with the old rooster. The young rooster went right over to the old rooster and challenged him to a fight. The old rooster said, Sonny, Im too old to fight. Just follow me around, and Ill show you the place. The young rooster agreed and started to follow the old rooster around. The old rooster showed him the barn, then the hen house…then started to run. The young rooster thought the old rooster was trying to pull a quick one, so he chased after him madly.

All of a sudden, there came a loud Bang! and there stood the farmer, muttering Dangit, thats the third gay rooster Ive had to kill this month.

One of the matrons of the church was cooking a pot of her famous beans for the church potluck dinner, and her son, Little Johnny, came running through the house, BB gun in one hand, and a handful of BBs in the other.



He tripped and the BBs, naturally, went right into the pot of beans. Thinking it over, Little Johnny could think of no reason why he should risk punishment, so he said nothing.





The dinner went well, and, as usual, the beans were one of the favorite dishes.





The next day, the church secretary, Mary, called Little Johnnys mother and said, Jane, your beans were delicious as usual, but what did you put in them this time?





Jane replied, Nothing new, why do you ask?





Well, said Mary, this morning I bent over to feed the cat and I shot the canary.

Maternity leave would last two years…with full pay.
Thered be a cure for stretch marks.
Natural childbirth would become obsolete.
Morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health
problem.
All methods of birth control would be improved to 100 percent
effectiveness.
Children would be kept in the hospital until they were toilet
trained.
They wouldnt think twins were quite so cute.
Men could use their briefcases as diaper bags.
Theyd have to stop saying, Im afraid Ill drop him.
There would be drive-through abortions.
Paternity suits would be a line of clothes.
Theyd stay in bed for the entire nine months.
Menus at most restaurants would list ice cream and pickles as
entrees.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isnt looking good either.
I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
Id explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Someday well look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
Tell me what you need, and Ill tell you how to get along without it.
Accept that some days youre the pigeon, and some days youre the statue.
Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isnt there the 1st time you need him, chances are you wont be needing him again.
I dont have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, Where the heck is the ceiling?!
My Reality Check bounced.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I dont suffer from stress. Im a carrier.
Youre slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Everybody is somebody elses weirdo.

A guy goes in to see the doctor. He says, Doc, something terrible has
happened… youve got to help me! The doctor says, Whats the problem?

The guys says, Its kind of embarrassing, Doc–hard for me to talk about.
What if I just show you?

Doc says OK. The guy drops his pants and theres
this huge dick hanging down to his knees. The doctor says, Good grief, man,
when did this happen?

The guy breaks into tears and says, It started
shrinking about a week ago!

This guy is just starting off his career as a ventriliquist and hes going around town looking for a job. He finds one at a local nightclub.

So, on his first night, hes going through his normal routine of blonde jokes. All of a sudden, this blonde stands up in the fourth row and says, Excuse me, mister, but no physical attribute of mine affects my mental capability!

The guy is flabbergasted. He stands up and tries to apologize, but is cut off when she says, –

You stay out of this, mister. Im not talking to you, Im talking to that jerk on your knee!

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A: Elvis has been sighted.