Old and New Jokes

Rodhamhood: She steals from everyone to give to the government.

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85%
of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be
circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up aluminum. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.

2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents.
It really isnt that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for sh!t.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Hello, is this the FBI?

Yes. What do you want?

Im calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.

Thank you very much for the call, sir.

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bobs house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bobs house.

Hey Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?

Yeah!

Did they chop your firewood?

Yep.

Merry Christmas Buddy

On a flight from Dallas to New York, just after the Fasten Your Seat Belts
sign went out, a rather large man, in a cowboy hat and boots got up, went to the
front of the plane and announced, Im James Brown, B – R – O – W – N, I am
a white, Protestant American. Im white from tip to toe and I hate
niggers, Jews and Catholics. He then returned to his seat.

Halfway through the flight, he stood up again, walked to the front
of the plane and announced:
Hello folks, you know me, Jimmy Brown, B – R – O – W – N, a white,
Protestant American, white from tip to toe, and I can tell you this, I
hate niggers, Jews and Catholics.

Just after the captian announced that the plane was begining to descend, he
again stood, went to the front of the plane and told his story once more:
After the flight captain has announced that they are beginning to descend
Hi folks, Im Jimmy Brown, B – R – O – W – N,
a white, Protestant American and I hate niggers, Jews and Catholics.
He then returned to his seat.

A small, narrow chested person, with a black hat and a curl of hair on one
side of his head stood up and introduced himself: Ladies and gentlemen,
Im Solomon Feinstein, I am an American citizen and as you all might have
guessed, I am Jewish. But I am white from tip to toe, except for my
asshole which is brown, B – R – O – W – N.

One pound of learning requires ten pounds of common sense to apply it.

Ok there are two gay guys and two lesbians. They are on a race to LA.

Which of the two will get there first?

The Lesbians, because the gay guys are still getting their shit packed!

The warden was making his usual round at the asylum and saw one of the inmates holding a fishing rod. He had the end of the rod dangling in the washbasin. Trying to be kind, the warden asked, “Catch anything?”

The inmate replied, “In a washbasin? Are you crazy.”

Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says, God, its hot in here. And the other sausage says, Oh my god, its a talking sausage!

What is the ultimate rejection?

When you are masturbating and your hand falls asleep!

Two surds observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger:

Surd 1: I cant seem to get this car door unlocked!

Surd2: Well, youd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!