Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so poor she went to McDonalds and put a milkshake on layaway.

The American tourist got the shock of his life when a Mexican
with a 6 shooter jumped out from behind a cactus.

Take my money, my car but dont kill me, said the tourist.

I no kill you if you do what I say, said the Mexican.

Just unzip your pants and start masturbating, he ordered.

Although shocked, the tourist did what he was told. Right, now
do it again said the Mexican.

The Yank protested but with the gun against his nose, he managed
again.

And yet again, Gringo, or I shoot you dead.

With sweat running down his brow, the yank managed a final effort
and fell exhausted.

Good said the Mexican, now you give my sister a ride to the
next village.

1. In an imaginary world a kiss would signify the end of sexual tension and the beginning of a relationship. In college, it means somebody is horny.

2. In an imaginary world, I really like spending time with you, and Youre cool, mean I REALLY like spending time with you and you ARE cool. In college, it means will you have sex with me?



3. In an imaginary world, holding hands is the first sign of true love. In college it means someone is too drunk to stand on their own.



4. In an imaginary world the guy buys dinner and a movie and kisses you goodnight at your front door. In college, there is no such thing as a dinner and a movie and at the end of a date, most guys want a hell of lot more that a kiss goodnight.



5. In an imaginary world, men arent afraid to admit their feelings. In college, if you ask them what they want or why they kissed you they respond, Why do you think? Refer to number one for definition.



6. In an imaginary world, sleepovers are sleepovers. Just that. In college its an orgy or pretty close to it.



7. In an imaginary world the guy might call you the day after. In college, youre lucky if he acknowledges your presence when you walk by . . . or if he does call back, refer to number one again, for the reason.



8. In an imaginary world even gorgeous guys are nice. In college, cute guys are asses, unattractive men are desparate, and nice guys finish last.



9. In an imaginary world, sex is sacred and special. In college, it happens every night between drunk strangers, who dont even know each others names.



10. In an imaginary world, men have only one girl, chickie, babe, woman. In college, you ARE the only one, except for, Jodi, Jean, Alisha, Sara, Laura, Liz, Christy, Carrie, Jen, Mary, Katie, Jocelyn, Lynda, Alyssa, Jessica, Cory, Rachel, Heather . . .

In the international school of Ireland, there is a very patriotic history
teacher.

One day, the teacher asked his students, Who is the most important man in
the history of the world? He then offered 2 shillings to the student who
gets the right answer.

A French student stands up and says, Napoleon was the most important man
in the history of the world.

The teacher looked at him and said, Napoleon was a great man, no doubt,
but he wasnt the most important man, or the man Im looking for. Sorry, no
shilling for ya.

Then, an Italian student stands up and says, Leonardo da Vinci was the
most important man in the history of the world.

The teacher looked at him and said, Leonardo da Vinci was a great man
also, no doubt, but he wasnt the most important man, or the man Im
looking for. Sorry, no shilling for ya either.

Then, a Jewish student stands up, out of no where and says, To me, the
most important man in the history of the world is St. Patrick.

The teachers eyes became wide with joy and shouted, YES! This is the man I
was waiting for! St. Patrick is the greatest man in the history of the
world!! Here are ya 2 shillings. Ya earned them!

After class, the teacher comes up the the happy Jewish student and asks,
You are Jewish… then how come you said St. Patrick is the most important
man in the history of the world?

Then the Jewish student replyed, Well, in my opinion, Moses was the most
important man in the history of the world…but as you know, business is
business.

When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!
Whistle the first seven notes of Its a Small World incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the
elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: Got enough air in there?
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: Noogie patrol coming!
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go plink at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: Ive got new socks on!
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occassionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter gotta go, gotta go then sigh and say oops!
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing Mary had a little lamb while continually pushing buttons.
Holler Chutes away! whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says human head on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce Youre one of THEM! and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say mmmm…tasty!
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers through it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask is that your beeper?
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say Ding! at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say I wonder what all these do and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your personal space.
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: Wanna see wha in muh mouf?
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: I must find a more suitable host body.
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say I think its getting larger.
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler Bad touch!

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like youve been wrestling an alligator!

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, Oh God! He told me hed been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits

down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye. He says to him, Hey this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if ask how you got yours?

Other guy: Well, it just happened. It was a tongue twister accident.

See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with huge, huge breasts was there. So, instead of saying Id like a ticket to Pittsburgh, I said Id like a picket to Tittsburgh. She socked me one.

First guy: Mine was a tongue twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife: Please pour me a bowl of Wheaties.

But I accidentally said: You ruined my life you fucking bitch!

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesnt bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent.

As a matter of fact, Ive farted at least 20 times since Ive been here in your office. You didnt know I was farting because they dont smell and are silent.

The doctor says, I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.

The next week the lady goes back. Doctor, she says, I dont know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts … although still silent … stink terribly.

The doctor says, Good!!! Now that weve cleared up your sinuses, lets work on your hearing.

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"Theyre all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, thats easy," she said. "I just call David, and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, David, come eat your dinner," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, thats easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"