Old and New Jokes

There were three blondes living together.

Blonde #1 was coming back from grocery shopping, and she dropped her keys. She walked down the stairs to get them, and she said to herself, Am I going up the stairs or down the stairs?

So, she stood there puzzled, the bags of groceries still in her hands.

Blonde #2 was taking a bath, and was draining the tub because it was too cold. With her hair still dry, she said to herself, Was I getting in the tub or out of the tub? She stood there, just thinking about it.

Blonde #3 was sitting in the living room in front of the coffee table, and she said to herself, Knock on wood Im not as stupid as the other two! She knocked the table and sat there puzzled: Was that the front door or the back door?

¿Por qué se casa la gente?

Por falta de experiencia.

¿Por qué se divorcia?

Por falta de paciencia.

¿Por qué se vuelve a casar?

Por falta de memoria.

Dos borrachos se dirigían en automóvil a sus casas. De improviso, uno le grita desesperado al otro:

¡Cuidado con el árbol! ¡Cuidado con el árbol!

Chocan de frente contra un árbol y, por suerte, salen ilesos. Cuando logran recobrar el conocimiento el mismo sujeto reclama:

¿No te dije que tuvieras cuidado con el árbol?

Sí, ¡pero tú ibas manejando!

People will buy anything thats one to a customer.

Since were into USSR jokes:

Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room;

Marxist philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but
the cat isnt there;

Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room,
the cat isnt there, but you keep shouting Ive found it! Ive found it!

If a schizophrenic threatens to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?

There was this boy that lived with his mother.

One night the boy woke up and went to the restroom and on his way he passed his mothers room and looked in and saw his mom rubbing her breasts and saying I NEED A MAN. Then he went to bed.

The next night the same thing happened, she was there rubbing her breasts and saying I NEED A MAN.

On the third night the woman had a man in bed with her when the son looked in.

Right away the boy went to his room and stood in front of the mirror rubbing hiself and saying….I NEED A BIKE……….

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later: Da-ad …

What?

Im thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?

No. You had your chance. Lights out.

Five minutes later: Da-aaaad …

WHAT?

Im THIRSTY … Can I have a drink of water??

I told you NO! If you ask again Ill have to spank you!!

Five minutes later … Daaaa-aaaad …

WHAT??!!

When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?

Rednecks dont let friends drive drunk,they get drunk and ride with them.

Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?

A: You dont know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.