The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the seasons gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santas market share, and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEOs annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and should take up the slack with no discernible loss of service. Reduction in reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has been cited and received unfavorable press.
I am pleased to inform you and yours that Rudolphs role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole. Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolphs nose got that way not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santas helpers and taken out of context at a time of year when he is known to be under executive stress.
As a further restructuring, todays global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the Twelve Days of Christmas subsidiary:
The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree never turned out to be the cash crop forecasted. It will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance.
The two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are therefore eliminated.
The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French.
The four calling birds were replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked.
The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks appears to be in order.
The six geese-a-laying constitute a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day is an example of the decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that from now on every goose it gets will be a good one.
The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. Their function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes and therefore enhance their outplacement.
As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching.
Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps.
Ten lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of lords plus the expense of international air travel prompted the compensation committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant because we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year.
Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms will produce savings which will drop right down to the bottom line.
We can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals, and other expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.
Action is pending regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorneys association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (thirteen lawyers-a-suing).
Lastly, it is not beyond consideration that deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to stay competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.
Happy Holidays!
A man comes across a genies bottle on the beach and rubs it. A genie appears to grant the man 3 wishes. First the man asks for a million dollars. The genie grants his wish. The the man says that he has always wanted to be as smart as a rocket scientist and the genie grants his wish.
The man thinks long and hard about his third wish and then say, I have always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I am afraid to fly and I am afraid of sailing. Could you build a bridge from here to Hawaii?
The genie looks at the man, Are you crazy? Do you know how much material and time that will take?
The man thinks again and says, Then my last wish is to understand how women think.
Would you like that bridge two lane or four?
One day, Mark Bookspan rubbed a lamp and out came a genie. Mark made a wish to be the most handsome man alive, but instead, the genie turned him into a taiper. Surprisingly, this increased Marks sex appeal tenfold.
Modern Travel: To promote airline safety, a proposed FAA rule would
require that every suitcase checked on a US flight be on the same
plane as its owner. That means that even though you want to fly to
Orlando at 9am, you may end up on the 10pm plane to Boise. (Jerry
Perisho)
Major airlines oppose the plan. They are even against a less stringent
rule that would require luggage and owners to be in the same country.
a. Head for the largest open expanse of urinal available. If you stand too close to someone, they will think that you are gay. If you stand too far away from someone, they will think that you think that they are gay.
b. Three shakes only. Two is unhygienic, four is a wanker.
c. If you fart, say Whooaa, what a ripper!
d. Dont look. Real men never compare sizes.
e. Never use the drying machines or the towels. Walking out with wet hands into the bar looks like the condensation off at least six pitchers.
Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since university.
Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children. My son is a doctor and hes got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?
Esther replies, Unfortunately, Morty and I dont have any children and so we have no grandchildren either.
Rachel says, No children? … and no grand kids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?
A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. If I lose this case, Ill be ruined!
Its in the judges hands now, said the lawyer.
Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?
No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court.
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It really worked!
Confidently the lawyer responded, Im sure we would have lost the case if youd sent them.
But I did send them., replied the man.
What? shouted the lawyer?
I sure did, thats how we won the case … good thing I remembered to enclose the plaintiffs business card.
Q – What should you do when you see ex-husband rolling
around in pain on the ground?
A – Shoot him again.Q – Why do little boys whine?
A – Theyre practicing to be men.Q – How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A -Three – one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.Q – What do you call a handcuffed man?
A – Trustworthy.Q – What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A – You didnt hold the pillow down long enough.Q – Whats the best way to kill a man?
A – Put a six-pack and a naked woman in front of him and ask him to choose just one.Q – What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A – They either cling, run, or dont fit right in the crotch.
When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, Ah, yes, thats Mozarts Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.
He listened a while longer, and said, Theres the Eighth Symphony, and its backwards, too. Most puzzling.
So the magistrate kept listening; Theres the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, My fellow citizens, theres nothing to worry about. Its just Mozart decomposing.
Wife: Give me some money. I want to buy a bra.Husband: Why? You have nothing to put in it!Wife: You wear shorts!