Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Theodore!
Thedore who?
Theodore is shut, please open it!

Yo mama house so dirty roaches ride around on dune buggies!

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up crossing the room to close the door to his room.

Q: How many pessimists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, its a waste of time because the new bulb probably wont work either.

Feminists are OK, I just wouldnt want my sister to marry one.

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words open me first, and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third.

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. Shoe opens the first one and it says: Blame me, your predecessor for everything.

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybodys happy.

A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, Blame the government for everything.

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, Prepare 4 new envelopes

Skydiving and scuba are similar, skydivers just run out of air faster.

Plato:

For the greater good.
Karl Marx:

It was a historical inevitability.
Machiavelli:

So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such a paragon of avian virtue? In such a manner is the princely chickens dominion maintained.
Hippocrates:

Because of an excess of light pink gooey stuff in itspancreas.
Jacques Derrida:

Any number of contending discourses may be discovered within the act of the chicken crossing the road, and each interpretation is equally valid as the authorial intent can never be discerned, because structuralism is DEAD, DAMMIT,DEAD!
Thomas de Torquemada:

Give me ten minutes with the chicken and Ill find out.
Timothy Leary:

Because thats the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
Douglas Adams:

Forty-two.
Nietzsche:

Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes also across you.
Oliver North:

National Security was at stake.
B.F. Skinner:

Because the external influences which had pervaded its sensorium from birth had caused it to develop in such a fashion that it would tend to cross roads, even while believing these actions to be of its own free will.
Carl Jung:

The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical juncture, and therefore synchronicitously brought such occurrences into being.
Jean-Paul Sartre:

In order to act in good faith and be true to itself, the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
Ludwig Wittgenstein:

The possibility of crossing was encoded into the objects chicken and road, and circumstances came into being which caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
Albert Einstein:

Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Aristotle:

To actualize its potential.
Buddha:

If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken- nature.
Howard Cosell:

It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurence.
Salvador Dali:

The Fish.
Darwin:

It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Emily Dickinson:

Because it could not stop for death.
Epicurus:

For fun.
Ralph Waldo Emerson:

It didnt cross the road; it transcended it.
Johann Friedrich von Goethe:

The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
Ernest Hemingway:

To die. In the rain.
Werner Heisenberg:

We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.
David Hume:

Out of custom and habit.
Saddam Hussein:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
Jack Nicholson:

Cause it (censored) wanted to. Thats the (censored) reason.
Pyrrho the Skeptic:

What road?
Ronald Reagan:

I forget.
John Sununu:

The Air Force was only too happy to provide thetransportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity. The
Sphinx:

You tell me.
Henry David Thoreau:

To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow out of life.
Mark Twain:

The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Yo mammas so fat the cops had to use The Jaws of life to get her INTO her car!

You might be a redneck if you think loading the dishwasher means getting the wife drunk!