Old and New Jokes

At the card shop:

A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head, No. A clerk came over and asked, May I help you?

I dont know, said the woman. Do you have any Sorry I laughed at your dick cards?

6 razones principales por las cuales Bill Gates quiere ser presidente de los Estados Unidos:

Escuchó decir que alguna agencia gubernamental usaba UNIX.

Piensa que sería agradable ser el presidente de dos grandes negocios.

Su ego necesita inflarse un poco.

Perdió las llaves de su mansión, así que necesita un nuevo lugar para vivir.

Cree que puede usar Microsoft Money para balancear el presupuesto.

Quiere hacer de Windows 95 el sistema operativo oficial en los Estados Unidos.

Theres 4 people on a plane and one is the smartest man in the world, ones a hippie, ones the president and one is britney spears. the plane is about to crash and theres only three parachutes so the president says, I think i deserve a parachute, afterall, i am the president. So he takes the parachute and jumps out of the plane. Next britney spears says, I think i should use the next parachute afterall, i am britney spears. so she jumped out of the plane. then there was only the hippie and the smartest man. They were debating who should use the next parachute and the hippie said, i dont think we have to worry about anything like that, britney spears just jumped out with my backpack. and they jumped out of the plane.

One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives, their families, etc.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate.

Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sits calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Gods ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit.

Satan walks up to the man and says, Hey, dont you know who I am?

The man says, Yep, sure do.

Satan says, Well, arent you afraid of me?

The man says, Nope, sure aint.

Satan, perturbed, says, And why arent you afraid of me?

The man says, Well, Ive been married to your sister for 25 years.

A guy goes into a bar and says, Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts! The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. Quick another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. Quick another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman replies, Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?

I havent got any money!

Twas da night befo Christmas and all in the hood, Not a homie was stirring cuz it was all good.

The tube socks was hung on the window sill and we all had smiles up on our grill.

Mookie and BeBe was snug in the crib in the back bedroom, cuz thats how we live.

And Moms in her do-rag and me with my nine, had just gotten busy cuz girlfriend is fine.



All of a sudden a lowrider rolled by, Bumpin phat beats cuz the systems fly.

I bounced to the window at a quarter pas Bout ready to pop a cap in somebodys ass!

well anyway….



I yelled to my lady, Yo peep this! She said, Stop frontin & just mind yo bidness.

I said, for real doe, come check dis out.



We werent even buggin, no worries, no doubt. Cuz bumpin an thumpin from around da way

Was Santa, 8 reindeer and a sleigh.



Da beats was kickin, da ride was phat I said, Yo red Dawg, you all that!

He threw up a sign and yelled to his boyz, Ay yo, give it up, lets make some noise!

To the top of the projects & across the strip mall, We gots ta go, I got a booty call!



He pulled up his ride on the top a da roof, and sippin on a 40, he busted a move.



I yelled up to Santa, Yo aint got no stack! he said, Damn homie, deese projects is wack!

But dont worry black, cuz I gots da skillz

I learnt back when I hadda pay da billz.

Out from his bag he pulled 3 small tings a credit card, a knife, and a bobby pin.

He slid down the fire exscape smoove as a cat, and busted the window wit a b-ball bat.



I said, Whassup, Santa? Whydya bust my place?

he said,You best get on up out my face!

His threads was all leatha, his chains was all gold,

His sneaks was Puma and they was 5 years old.



He dropped down the duffle, Bulls logo on the side.

Santa broke out da loot and my mouf popped open wide.

A wink of his eye and a shine off his gold toof,

He cabbage patched his way back onto the roof

He jumped in his hooptie wit rims made of chrome,

To tap that big booty waitin at home.



And all I heard as he cruised outta sight, was a loud and hearty…..

WEEESST SIIIIDE!!!!!!!

Caer-Philly

yo mamma is so fat she eats her coco pops in a satalite

We have all been through job interviews, and we have spent most of the time thinking of what not to do that might make us look bad. Some job applicants however go light years beyond this.

What follows is a survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations who were asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. What follows is an unbelievable list of what we can only call the lowlights.

1. Said he was so well qualified that if he didnt get the job, it would show that the companys management was incompetent.

2. Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.

3. Brought her large dog to the interview.

4. Chewed bubble gum and constantly blew bubbles.

5. Candidate kept giggling through a serious interview.

6. She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time.

7. Bald candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.

8. Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.

9. Asked to see interviewers resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.

10. Announced she hadnt had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries during the interview.

11. Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of an interview.

12. Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as vice president of finance.

13. Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.

14. Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.

15. Wouldnt get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.

16. When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.

17. Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.

18. Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.

19. Took the brush out of my purse and brushed his hair and then left.

20. Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.

21. Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to ensure that the offer was formal.

22. Said he wasnt interested because the position paid too much.

23. While I was on a long distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.

24. During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidates briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized andsaid he had to leave for another interview.

25. A telephone call came in for the job applicant during the interview. It was his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: Which company? When do I start? Whats the salary? I said, I assume youre not interested in conducting the interview any further. He promptly responded, I am as long as you will pay me more. I didnt hire him, but later found out there was no job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.

26. The applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot on the bus.

27. His attache case opened when he picked it up and the contents spilled, revealing ladies undergarments, assorted make-up and perfume.

28. He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didnt want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped.

29. He took off his shoe and sock, applying medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back on the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day and this was the time.

30. Candidate said he really didnt want the job, but the unemployment office needed proof that he was looking for one.

31. He whistled when the interviewer was talking.

32. Asked who the lovely babe was, pointing to the picture on my desk. When I said it was my wife, he asked if she was home now and wanted my phone number. I called security.

33. She threw up on my desk and immediately starting asking questions about the job as if nothing happened.

34. Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I needed to get a new desk.

and topping the list….

35. Asked if I wanted some cocaine before starting the interview.

What do you get a lawyer for his birthday?

Briefs!! ha!ha!

What do you call a sky-diving club for lawyers?

Skeet.