Old and New Jokes

A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, Whats your name and address?

Im Paddy ODay, of no fixed address. The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. Im Seamus OToole, and I live in the flat above Paddy.

A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.

What do they say?, the priest asked.

They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?

Thats terrible, the priest exclaimed, But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.

Thank you. said the lady.

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,

Put the bibles away our prayers have been answered

May you live happily ever after with a poor, ugly, shrewish wife.

Do you remember the Charlie Brown specials that taught valuable life lessons to a generation of kids? Well here are some new episodes:

Peanuts specials for kids of the 90s:

We learn about VD in:

IT BURNS WHEN I PEE, CHARLIE BROWN

Charlie and the little redheaded girl learn about unwanted pregnancy in:

IM STARTING TO SHOW, CHARLIE BROWN!

Is Linus gay?

ITS A DIFFERENT KIND OF LOVE, CHARLIE BROWN

Charlie moves back to his house in East L.A in:

OYE! VATO! QUE PASA, CARLITO MORENO?

See how the Peanuts Gang deals with date rape in:

NO MEANS NO, CHARLIE BROWN!

Franklin speaks! The Peanuts gang gets a lesson in Ebonics in:

IMO BUSTA CAP INYO ASS, CHARLIE BROWN

What goes on the mind of a serial killer? Discover the inner workings of Pig Pens twisted psyche and meet his murderous alter ego Mr. Clean in:

GOD TOLD ME TO DO IT, CHARLIE BROWN

Schroder teaches the Peanuts gang about getting high in:

ROLL US A FAT ONE, CHARLIE BROWN!

Charlie Brown gets his first job in:

WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT, CHARLIE BROWN?

Charlie Brown peddles his body for crack money while stealing social security checks and stripping cars in:

GO BLAME SOCIETY, CHARLIE BROWN

Peppermint Patty goes to town on Marcie in:

WHO NEEDS MEN, CHARLIE BROWN?

WHEN PROFESSOR SAYS:
YOU WRITE:
Probably the greatest quality of the poetry of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the combination of beauty and power. Few have excelled him in the use of the English language, or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, Paradise Lost being said to be the greatest single poem ever written.
John Milton – born 1608
When Lafayette first came to this country, he discovered America. The Americans needed his help if their cause was to survive, and this he promptly supplied them.
Lafayette discovered America
Current historians have come to doubt the complete advantageousness some of Roosevelts policies
Most of the problems that now face the United States are directly of traceable to the bungling and greed of President Roosevelt.
…it is possible that we do not understand the Russian viewpoint…
Professor Mitchell is a communist
The puissance of hydrochloric acid is incontestable; however, the corrosive residue is inharmonious with metallic persistance.
Hydrochloric acid eats the hell out of steel

A cute young woman was giving a manicure to a man in the barber shop. The man said, How about a date later?

Im married, she answered.

With a wink he said, So, just tell him youre going out with your girlfriends.

Tell him yourself, she said, hes shaving you.

A patient says to his doctor, Hey, Doc! Ive been getting these migraines for a long time now! I cant think straight! I need help!.

Doctor says to patient, You know what? I used to have the same problem, and whenever I do get migraines, I go home to my wife. She cooks me my favourite meal, rubs my toes, kiss my nipples and well (smiles sheepishly), you know what happens next!

…next day…

patient says, Hey doc! Thanks for ur advice. It worked!.

Doctor says, Oh really? Thats good to hear!.

Oh by the way, Patient says, Youve got a great house!

One day after work, a blonde walked into a pizza parlor and ordered a small personal pizza. When it was finished, the waiter asked the blonde if she wanted it cut into four pieces or eight.The blonde thought a bit and then finally said Better make it four, Id never be able to eat eight.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
safety lecture and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here
are some real examples that have been heard or reported.

From a Southwest Airlines employee: There may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane…

Pilot: Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going
to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but
please stay inside the plane till we land… its a bit cold outside, and if
you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.

After landing: Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: Whoa, big fella. Whoa.

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted.

From a Southwest Airlines employee: Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX
to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you dont know
how to operate one, you probably shouldnt be out in public unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will
descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over
your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children
decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
theyll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines.

Your seat cushions can be used for flotation and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.

Last one off the plane must clean it.

From the pilot during his welcome message: We are pleased to have some
of the best flight attendants in the industry… Unfortunately none of them
are on this flight…

Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was
really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight
attendant came on the PA and announced: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to
Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the
captain taxis whats left of our airplane to the gate.

Another flight attendants comment on a less than perfect landing: We
ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal.

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited,
smile, and give them a Thanks for flying XYZ airline. He said that in
light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the
eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had
gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said,
Sonny, mind if I ask you a question? Why no, Mam, said the pilot, What
is it? The little old lady said, Did we land or were we shot down?

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came
on with: Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, well open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage
to the terminal.

Part of a flight attendants arrival announcement: Wed like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane
urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope
youll think of us here at US Airways.

Are you harboring a fugitive- Hu Yu Hai Ding
See me A.S.A.P. – Kum Hia Nao
Small Horse – Tai Ni Po Ni
Your price is too high – No Bai Dam Thing
Did you go to the beach – Wai Yu So Tan
I bumped into a coffee table – Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift – Chin Tu Fat
Its very dark in here – Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? – Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution.- Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet – Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. – No Pah King
You are not very bright – Yu So Dum
I got this for free – Ai No Pei
I am not guilty – Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer – Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week – Wai Yu Kum Nao
They have arrived – Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight – Lei Lo
Hes cleaning his automobile – Wa Shing Ka
Does this bathroom stink! Hu Flung Dung?