Old and New Jokes

Verbal: Able to whine in words

Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.

Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into get a sponge.

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic his surgeon comes in and tells him: Well, Ive got good news and Ive got bad news for you.

Give me the bad news first, Doc. says the patient.

Im afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.

Oh my god! the patient cries, breaking into tears.

But the good news, the doctor adds, is that we had them biopsied and youll be relieved to know that they werent malignant.

A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesnt even leave a hole.

We got off the Titanic first.



We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.



We never ejaculate prematurely.



We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.



We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.



When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous.



When men buy a blow up doll its pathetic.



We dont have to get our strength up between sessions… and its much easier for us to get some in the first place.



We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.



Our boyfriends clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous – guys look like complete idiots in ours.



We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.



We can cry and get off speeding fines.



We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers……



Men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.



Taxis stop for us.



Weve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.



We dont look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

M.I.T.: I had a nervous breakdown this weekend.
Have some fries.

Caltech: I had three nervous breakdowns this weekend.
Have some fries.

Yale: I got mugged on the way to class today.
Have some fries.

Brown: I got a nose ring this weekend, Professor Smith.
Cool! Me too! Have some fries.

Swarthmore: I got a B.
Anywhere else it would have been an A. Have some fries.

Princeton: My father took away my Porsche this weekend.
Poor dear. Have some Escargot.

Harvard: Did you do anything this weekend?
Nope. Have some fries.

Williams: Dont I know you?
Of course you do, silly. Have some fries.

Cornell: I killed my lab partner this weekend.
Bummer. Have some fries.

Columbia: I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.
Me too. Lets go get shot.

Penn: I wish I could be eating these fries at a better school.
Me too. Lets transfer to Columbia.

Stanford: Dude, I have so much work this weekend.
Like, chill out, dude. Have some, like, fries.

Dartmouth: Oh man, I got so trashed this weekend.
Have some beer.

Tufts: I wish I were Ivy League.
Here, drink the fry grease.

A guy dies and goes to heaven. Its a slow day for St. Peter, so, upon passing the entrance test, St. Peter says Im not very busy today, why dont you let me show you around?

The guy thinks this is a great idea and graciously accepts the offer. St. Peter shows him all the sights, the golf course, the reading room and library, the observation room, the cafeteria and finally, they come to a HUGE room full of clocks.

The guy asks, Whats up with these clocks?

St. Peter explains, Everyone on earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left on earth. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the Gates to be judged.

The guy thinks this makes sense but notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. He asks why is that?

St. Peter explains, Every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds his clock.

This also makes sense, so the guy takes one last look around the room before leaving and notices one clock in the center of the ceiling. On this clock, both hands are spinning at an unbelievable rate. So he asks, Whats the story with that clock?

Oh, that, St. Peter replies, Thats OJ Simpsons clock. We decided to use it as a fan!

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
Your career wont progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… – now THATS a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor…
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: Hi my name is… uh… Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says Hi when you come in… You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night youre beginning to find your roommates cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Dont recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. Im as sober as a judge. The shrubberys drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming TORO TORO TORO! in the middle of the night.

Imagine if your computer produced error messages in Haiku:

A file that big?

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone.

Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent, and reboot.

Order shall return.

Wind catches lily

scattring petals to the wind:

segmentation fault.

ABORTED effort:

Close all that you have.

You ask way too much.

First snow, then silence.

This thousand dollar screen dies

so beautifully.

With searching comes loss

and the presence of absence:

My Novel not found.

The Tao that is seen

Is not the true Tao, until

You bring fresh toner.

The Web site you seek

cannot be located but

endless others exist.

Stay the patient course

Of little worth is your ire

The network is down.

A crash reduces

your expensive computer

to a simple stone.

Yesterday it worked

Today it is not working

Windows is like that.

To have no errors

Would be life without meaning

No struggle, no joy.

You step in the stream,

but the water has moved on.

This page is not here.

Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will.

JIFFY CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269

Dear Sir,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your recent application
to model and represent our product, Jiffy Condoms.

Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our
Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product does not portray
a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy wrinkled condom is
not considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to firm it up using Poly-Grip, but even
then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like
to note however, that we have never seen a penis that looked like a bicycle
grip until now.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will
retain your application for future consideration, if by the chance we decide
that there is a market for Micro-Mini Condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy to your wife and/or
girlfriend.

Very Truly Yours,

Burly Dick, President
Jiffy Condom Company

BD/pee

A fish hit its head on a cement wall.
"Dam."