Yo mama so fat her legs is like spoiled milk – white & chunky!
24
Jul
24
Jul
Q: How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10
24
Jul
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, shed be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, shed be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, shed be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, shed be Oprah Chopra.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
marry Elton John, shed be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster, shed become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, shed be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married
Jerry Mathers, shed be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan
Hale, shed be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose
Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King
Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener
mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in
show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married
Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we
could all nod understandingly when we heard, Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky
short Guy.
24
Jul
A girl walks into a bar and asks for a manhattan with a plum in it.
The bartender says, You mean a cherry.
She says, No, I mean a plum.
The bartender says, Look lady, Ive been tending bar for 20 years and youre the first person thats ever asked for a manhattan with a plum. Where did you ever get that idea?
She said, Well, about 3 years ago I lost my cherry, and Ive been plumb crazy ever since!
24
Jul
Just when you think youve won the rat race, along come faster rats.
24
Jul
1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether its lightbulb or light bulb … another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is lamp
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that light bulb is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URLs
3 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
5 people to hotlink to pictures of lightbulbs hosted on geocities
6 people to complain about dead images
3 people to tell them to right click the image and copy the URL into another window
13 to read all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers, images and signatures, and add I agree
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say didnt we go through this already a short time ago?
13 to say do a search on light bulbs befor
24
Jul
Mel. Barbie Girl
Hi user, wanna go for a try?
Sure win!
Boot up!
Im a Windows girl
In my Windows world
Life in coding
Its annoying
You can tune my files
Explore me everywhere
Imagination
Illegal operation
Come on System, lets go crashing
Im a Windows girl
In my Windows world
Life in coding
Its annoying
You can tune my files
Explore me everywhere
Imagination
Illegal operation
Im a prog, Im a code
on a supermachine
when I crash,
Boot me up, and go crazy
Im your pain,
boot me up, and start over again
Run a prog, see the fail
Just delete me
You can touch, i can hang,
like i say, just boot again
Im a Windows girl
In my Windows world
Life in coding
Its annoying
You can tune my files
Explore me everywhere
Imagination
Illegal operation
Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)
Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)
Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)
Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)
Change my look, add some waves,
do whatever you please
I can act like a mac
I can beg for more space
Just log in,
Press the start
We can do it again
Hit some RAM
Swap the disk
Lets get fragments
You can touch, i can hang,
like i say, just boot again
You can touch, i can hang,
like i say, just boot again
Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)
Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)
Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)
Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)
Im a Windows girl
In my Windows world
Life in coding
Its annoying
You can tune my files
Explore me everywhere
Imagination
Illegal operation
Im a Windows girl
In my Windows world
Life in coding
Its annoying
You can tune my files
Explore me everywhere
Imagination
Illegal operation
Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)
Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)
Come on System, lets go crashing (boot, boot, bo-ot)
Come on System, lets go crashing (bo-o-ot, bo-o-ot)
Oh I feel theres so much lag!
Well user, were just gettin started
Oooh, I love to crash
24
Jul
Dear Tech Support:
I am desperate for some help. I recently upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that the new program began unexpected child processing and also took up a lot of space and valuable resources. This wasnt mentioned in the product brochure.
In addition Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Boys Night Out 2.5, and Golf 5.3 no longer run and crash the system whenever selected. Attempting to operate Sunday Football 6.3 always fails but Saturday Shopping 7.1 runs instead. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background whilst attempting to run any of my favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0 but de-install doesnt work on this program.
Can you please help!
Joe.
Dear Joe,
This is a very common problem resulting from a basic misunderstanding.
Many men upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 thinking that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Whereas Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM designed by its creator to run everything.
You are unlikely to be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0 as Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this and it is impossible to de-install, delete or purge the program files from the system once installed.
Some people have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0, but have
ended up with even more problems. (See in manual under Alimony/Child Support and Solicitors Fees). Having Wife 1.0 installed myself I recommend you keep it installed and deal with the difficulties as best you can.
When any faults or problems occur, whatever you think has caused them, you must run the C: IAPOLOGISE program and avoid attempting to use the *Esc-key. It may be necessary to run C: I APOLOGISE a number of times, but hopefully eventually the operating system will return to normal.
Wife 1.0 although a very high maintenance program can be very rewarding. To get the most out of it consider buying additional software such as Flowers 2.0 and Chocolates 5.0.
Do not under any circumstances install Secretary (Short Skirt version) as this is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and the system will almost certainly crash.
Best of luck!
Tech Support
24
Jul
Youre so dumb, if I gave you a penny for your thoughts, Id expect change!
24
Jul
A LETTER FROM A WEST VIRGINIA MOTHER TO HER DAUGHTER
Dear Louanne Ellie Mae,
Im writing this letter slow because I know you cant read fast. We
dont live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I wont be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldnt have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. Im not sure it works so well though; last week I put a loan in and pulled the chain and havent seen them since. The weather isnt bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I havent found out what it is yet so I dont know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam safely. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldnt get the tailgate down.
There isnt much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P. S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.