Old and New Jokes

Two buddies were speeding through the great state of Alabama when to their surprise, out pops a state trooper and pulls them over. The state trooper approaches the driver side of the vehicle and taps on the window. The driver rows the window down. The state trooper smacks him on the back of the head and ask for license and registration. The trooper then proceeds to write him a ticket and has the driver sign it. But, just before leaving, the trooper walks around to the passenger side of the vehicle and taps on the window. The passenger rows the window and smack the trooper goes upside his head. The passenger says, What was that for?

The trooper says, Just making all your dreams come true! The passenger confused and dazed says, what? Trooper replies, when you get down the road there a ways youre going to say to your buddy,I wish he would have tried that shit with me!

A plane takes off from New Yorks Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293, he says. The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and – OH MY GOD!

The intercom falls silent.

A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. Im so sorry for scaring you all earlier, he says.

But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!

Thats nothing, a passenger in coach shouted. You should see the back of mine!

Things came to a head last week and the name Monica Lewinsky is fast
becoming a real mouthful at the White House. The latest news about
President Clinton is definitely hard to swallow and seems certain to
leave a nasty taste in the mouth of the current administration. It
will be some time before all the stains resulting from this issue are
removed from the Oval Office.

Monica Lewinsky has proved to be not as tight lipped as Clinton had
hoped and is expected to spit out the truth to a Grand Jury tomorrow.
She will surely go down in history for her orations concerning the
comings and goings behind the doors of the Oval Office. Monica was
apparently on her knees when she received the recent gagging order
from the White House and now has to decide whether to swallow her pride
and dispose of the evidence, or to succumb to the deep throated
rumblings of the Washington Press Corp. and spill the issue wide open.

Any attempt by Lewinsky to suck up to Clinton can only be construed as
lip service and Clinton would be advised to try and minimize the
impact of this, the latest in a long series of blows he has received
since coming to power. Despite this latest blow, job security for the
President seems to be assured, as he can rely on his proven oral
skills to promote a career in public speaking, being, as he has often
shown, a cunning linguist. (Although Hillary Clinton may disagree with
this, as she claims she is rarely on the end of a tongue lashing from
Bill!)

Miss Lewinsky is from a naval background and her choice of Bill
Clinton as a lover is somewhat surprising, given her preference for
seamen. According to her lawyer, Miss Lewinsky likes to see men in
power and relished the thought of taking a length of time to chew things
over with the President, whenever she could fit him in. And the
President was equally keen to see Miss Lewinsky, always putting on a
spurt when he entered her office.

Miss Leweinsky has apparently been offered a PR job by Listerine, who
described her as spunky enough for any job. Her name has also been
associated with Big Gulp soda advertising and Kleenex.

Because chickens hadnt been invented yet.

A grandfather and granddaugher were sitting and talking when the young girl asked, Did God make you, Grandpa? Yes, God made me, the grandfather answered. A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, Did God make me too? Yes, He did, the older man answered. For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind. At last she spoke up. You know, Grandpa, she said, Gods doing a lot better job lately.

A sour grape!

During training exercises, the lieutenant driving
down a muddy back road encountered another car
stuck in the mud with a red faced colonel at the
wheel. Your jeep stuck, sir? asked the lieutenant
as he pulled alongside.

Nope, replied the colonel, coming over and handing
him the keys, Yours is.

Youve spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
When someone asks to see your I.D. – you show them your belt buckle.
Youve lost at least one tooth opening beer bottles.
You have a rag for a gas cap.
You have to scratch your sisters name out of a message: For a good time call ___________!!!
Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.
Redman chewing tabbaco sends you a Christmas card.
You view the upcoming family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
After making love, you ask your date to roll down the damn window.
Your house doesnt have any curtains, but your truck does.
Your junior and senior prom had a day care center.

Three pregnant woman were sitting in a Gyneas waiting room (of course, one was blonde, one was a redhead and one was a brunnette).

The brunette proudly says Im gonna have a son coz my husband was on top!

Then the red says If thats the case, then Im gonna have a daughter coz I was on top!.

All of a sudden the blonde gets hysterical and cries IM GONNA HAVE PUPPIES!

The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him.The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. Aha!
mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. Aha! said the doctor once more, and reached for his surgical scissors.Snip-snip-snip-snip on the rightside… then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching.The doctor said, How does that feel now? The midget replied, Perfect Doc, and I didnt even feel it. What did you do?The doctor replied I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots.