Old and New Jokes

Youve ever bought a used cap.

You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.

Youve ever used a weedeater indoors.

Un tipo va por la calle con la cara triste y se encuentra a un colega.

Macho, ¿por qué estás así? ¿te ha pasado algo?

Es que se me ha muerto mi mujer.

¡Joder, qué putada! ¿Y tus hijos?

Muertos también.

¿Y de que murieron?, pregunta acongojado el amigo.

De un empacho.

¿Un empacho de qué?

De setas.

Vaya, ¿y tu suegra, qué tal?

Muerta.

Claro… otro empacho de setas ¿no?

¡Qué va… la maté yo a hostias!, responde colérico el afligido.

¿Pero, por qué?

¡Porque no quiso comerse las putas setas!

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?

A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it wont follow you around for a week.

He who laughs last thinks slowest

What happens when a man tries to hide his baldness by combing his

hair across his head?

The truth comes shining through.

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” — even when you dont know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just dont tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please dont say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.”

A man goes into a police station and the desk sargeant asks him what he
wants.

The man says, Someone has stolen my camel, I went into a bar for one drink
and when I came out it was gone!

Now, sir, I think we have had more than one drink. Why dont you just go
home before you end up in a cell for being drunk and incapable, says the
sargeant.

The man pleads his innocence, Listen, I am not drunk and my camel has
definitely been stolen. Please help me.

Okay, says the policeman. Let me have some details. Give me a desciption
of your camel.

Thank you, the man says. Well, it is a greyish brown colour, its got two
humps, it is a male and it…

Hold on, not so fast. How do you know it is a male of the species? the
sargeant enquired.

Well, the man explained, The other day I was riding it down the High
Street and two men were on the pavement and as I passed them one of the
men turned to his friend and said, Look at the prick on that camel!

Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer?

A: Throw him a rock.

Scott Neugroschl

Now, what I did to a guy I didnt like one night is a classic:

I saw him at a restaurant with his other woman seated in the corner
of the restaurant trying to be inconspicuous. I went to the head
waiter and told him I wanted to send a cake over to my friends table
since he and his wife were celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary.

If youve ever been to a place like Bennigans where the waiters and
waitresses come singing and banging pots when they deliver a cake to
your table, you can imagine what happened next.

Four waiters and three waitresses carrying a cake with a sparkler
marched over to their table singing Happy Anniversary, Carole and
Mark…Happy…Happy…Happy Anniversary.

Talk about someone looking for the exits!

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do splits.

7. See if its truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts, too.

and, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina .

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.!!!!!