Old and New Jokes

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: How many do *you* think it takes?

A woman reported the disappearance of her husband to the police.

The officer looked at the guys photograph, questioned her, and then asked if she wanted to give her husband any message if they found him.

Yes, please she replied. Tell him Mother didnt come after all.

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying Ehhhh .. 22!.

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. And can you tell us your height, please?.

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces Five foot two!.

This isnt looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying Mandy!.

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?

Ohh that!, replies the blonde, Thats just me running through Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….

A fisherman got married and went to a mountain resort for the honeymoon.

The resort clerk saw the man at the pier fishing and asked, why are you fishing?



Shouldn?t you be making love to you?re new bride?



The fisherman said, Naw, she?s got gonorrhea, but that?s ok I like to fish.



The clerk said well you could turn her over and get some booty.



The fisherman said, Naw, she?s got diarrhea, but that?s ok I like to fish.



The clerk asked well couldn?t you at least get some head?



The fisherman said, Naw, she?s got pyorrhea, but that?s ok I like to fish.





The clerk now in disbelief says gonorrhea, diarrhea, pyorrhea, what the hell did you marry her for?





The fisherman said, She?s also got worms and you know I like to fish.

A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.

The European Commission have just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German,which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majestys government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5 year phase in plan that would be known as EuroEnglish.

In the first year, s will replace the soft c.. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard c will be dropped in favor of the k. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have 1 less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome ph will be replaced with the f. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent es in the language is disgraceful, and they should go away.

By the 4th yar, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th with z and w with v.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary o kan be dropd from vords kontaiining ou and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz year, ve vil hav a reali sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!

The church choir was putting on a car wash to raise money to pay their expenses for a special trip.

They made a large sign, CAR WASH FOR CHOIR TRIP, and on the given Saturday business was very good.

But by two oclock the skies clouded and the rain poured and there were hardly any customers. Finally, one of the girl washers had an idea. She printed a very large poster which said, WE WASH (then an arrow pointing skyward) GOD RINSES.

Business boomed!

10. They ask for all their money in quarters.9. Theyre not sure what season, or year it is.8. Theyre best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends).7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.5. Their fingers twitch all the time.4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right.3. They can play 2 player games by themselves.2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name.1. Someone is reading this to them, cause theyre too busy getting a new high score and can not be bothered.

Little Johnny wakes up and comes down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores.

Not yet, replied little Johnny.

His mother tells him he cant have any breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, now hes a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.

He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

How come I dont get any eggs and bacon? Why dont I have any milk in my cereal? he asks.

Well, his mother says, I saw you kick a chicken, so you dont get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you dont get any bacon, either.

I also saw you kick the cow, so you arent getting any milk this morning.

Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as hes walking into the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says…

Are you going to tell him, or should I?

The Rabbi rose with a red face…Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Jewish community cannot tolerate! I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and our Jewish community.

No one moved.

The Rabbi continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel relief. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet. Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose in the third pew. Her head was bowed, and her voice quivered as she spoke.

Rabbi, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan… I just told a couple of friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.