Old and New Jokes

A womans garden is growing beautifully but the darn tomatoes wont ripen. Theres a limit to the number of uses for green tomatoes and shes getting tired of it.So she goes to her neighbor and says,Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?

Her neighbor replies,Well, it may sound absurd but heres what to do. Tonight theres no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and theyll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning theyll all be red, youll see.

She says Well, what the heck it cant hurt to try it.

Next day her neighbor asks how it worked.

So-so, she answers. The tomatoes are still green but the cucumbers are all four inches longer.

En medio de una guerra sangrienta, el ejército enemigo toma una ciudad. Al ocuparla, los soldados van recorriéndola de casa en casa y tomando prisioneros. Una patrulla llega entonces a una casa y encuentra dos chicas jóvenes de físico espectacular y, junto a ellas, a una anciana. Uno de los soldados se acerca a las muchachas y les advierte:

Prepárense porque las vamos a violar largamente.

Una de las chicas se arrodilla frente al soldado y le pide:

¡Por favor, con con nosotras hagan lo que quieran, pero respeten a nuestra anciana madre!

La anciana replica enérgicamente:

¡Cállense niñas, la guerra es la guerra!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

166. Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.

Support the right to arm bears.

Joke found on http://www.randomjoke.com

One day Jim complained to his friend, My elbow really
hurts, I guess I should see a doctor. His friend offered. Dont do that.
Theres a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything
quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine
and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you
can do about it. It only cost $10.

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he
poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started
making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause
out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arms in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and
how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this
machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together
some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into
the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the
machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again
made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife is pregnant with twin girls.
They arent yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you dont stop jerking off, your
tennis elbow will never get better.

Son: Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?

Dad: Yes son, every single Sunday.

Son: I thought so. Bet it wont do me any good either.

Brochstein walks up to Horowitz in the street, taps him on the shoulder and when Horowitz turns, he sends him sprawling to the ground with a solid zetz to the nose. He then says, take that, Rosenzweig, you lousy mamzer!! The bleeding Horowitz shouts back, Im Horowitz, you schook! I am NOT Rosenzweig.

Realizing his error, Brochstein apologizes profusely and begs forgiveness for the error of mistaken identity. However, Horowitz remains furious and he screams forth a steady blue stream of epithets.

Finally, Brochstein says, please Horowitz, calm down. Why are you so upset? Why do you care so much about how I treat Rosenzweig?

A man was travelling from Cape Town to Johannesburg when he stopped for a young hitchhiker somewhere in the middle of the Karoo. It happened that the youngster had a cleft palate and thus spoke somewhat nasally. The motorist naturally felt very sorry for the young man.

After driving for an hour or so with very little conversation between them, the man pulled off for a roadside lunch. He opened his picnic basket and offered the youngster some of his sandwiches.

Thank you, Thir, but becauth of my problem I cannot eat anything that may cauth crumbth to enter my palate, he replied. The man felt he couldnt eat either under the circumstances and opened his thermoflask of coffee.

Would you like some coffee, son? he asked. Thank you, yeth Thir, but becauth of my problem you will have to help me. I cannot drink anything that will end up in my palate, tho have to take it anally by means of thith thpecial funnel.

The obliging motorist, feeling very sorry for the poor chappie, agreed. The youngster pulled down his pants, bent over and inserted the funnel. The man slowly poured some coffee down the funnel. The youngster however jumped up, saying Ouch!!.

Sorry Son, was it too hot?

No Thir, no sugar!

One Halloween two black children, a brother and a sister, were trick-or-treating as Hansel and Gretel. They came to the first house and knocked on the door. The old lady that answered said, Children! Go back home and tell your momma that Hansel and Gretel werent black!

They went home and told their mother. She pulled out their Romeo and Juliet costumes from last year and quickly got them re-dressed. They went back to the old ladys house where she came to the door and again she said, Children! Go back home and tell your momma that Romeo and Juliet werent black!

Again they went home and told their mother. This time, their mother said Ill fix that mean old lady. Give me your clothes.

The boy and his sister took off their costumes and their mother sent them back to the old ladys house without a stitch of clothing to wear. They knocked on the door and the old lady answered. CHILDREN!! she said. Youre both naked! Now what are you supposed to be?

The little girl replied, Were Hersheys chocolate bars. Hes got nuts and I dont.

Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women? A: Opposites attract.