Old and New Jokes

Q: How do you know when youre REALLY ugly?
A: Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.

Knock Knock

Whos there?

Wicked!

Wicked who?

Wicked make beautiful music together!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Guthrie!
Guthrie who!
Guthrie three blind mice!

To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ.
Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying to frob a
frob. See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK
sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless
manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse
search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is
turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if hes carefully adjusting it
he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the
screen he is probably twiddling it; but if hes just doing it because
turning a knob is fun, hes frobbing it.

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

How did you know that? his mother asked.

Daddy picked them up and looked underneath, he replied.

I think its printed on the bottom!

An elderly Jew goes into a butchers shop

looking at what is on display, he points to the sliced ham and asks…

How much is that fish?

The butcher replies; Its not fish, its meat!

The old Jew replies, I ask the price of the fish, and you talk to me about meat!… How much is the fish???

The butcher, somewhat irritated says: Thats not fish, it is called HAM!!!

The old Jew responds…. Did I ask you what the name of the fish was?

This was part of a thread about administration of CPR and potential legal liability on a mountain biking list that I subscribe to. I have not read the original article.

A MODEST PROPOSAL:

Appearing the San Jose Mercury News Friday, November 4, 1994.

The following missive, by Lawrence A. Bullis of Phoenix to the Arizona Republic, was reprinted in Harpers:

Every day some new do-gooder is trying to save us from ourselves. We have so many laws and safety commissions to ensure our safety that it seems nearly impossible to have an accident. The problem is that we need accidents, and lots of them.

Danger is natures way of eliminating stupid people. Without safety, stupid people die in accidents…

With safety, however well-intentioned it may be, we are devolving into half-witted mutants, because idiots, who by all rights should be dead, are spared from their rightful early graves and are free to breed even more imbeciles.

Lets do away with safety and improve our species. Take up smoking. Jaywalk. Play with blasting caps. Swim right after a big meal. Stick something small in your ear. Take your choice of dangerous activity and do it with gusto. Future generations will thank you.

Microsoft just invested $150 million in Apple stock. Why? We think the reasons are obvious:

Bill Gates found spare change in his trousers
First and last months rent on empty office space in Cupertino
Fee: Steve Jobs to give charisma lessons to Microsoft CEO
Two words: Rhapsody 98
Small price to pay for world domination
Bill to Larry: I own you now, too
Jobs and Woz threw in a signed Apple I as part of the deal
Best way to assure Gates a starring role in next Pixar animated feature
Easier than bribing entire Justice Department
Strategic move: Apple users now hate Jobs more than Gates

A village headman once noticed a sudden rise in the population of his village. To control it, he requested one of his rich relatives (who was an ardent swadeshi follower) to set up a condom factory near the village. It was done and very soon each unmarried adult male individual started getting condoms for free. But after two years the village headman was shocked to find that his villages population had doubled! After investigations the headman went straight to the relative and gave him a good dressing down saying Fool! Everything shouldnt be made of KHADI!

Two old ladies stood waiting for a bus when one pulls out a pack of condoms, cuts the end off one and puts it over her cigerette before lighting it.

Her friend seeing what she has done says What is that over your fag?

She replied Its a condom. I bought them the other day and whenever its raining I put one of these over my fag and it doesnt get wet.

Oh replied the friend Where can I get some of those?

Any chemist her friend replied you can get packs of 3, 6, or 12

The bus came and when they got to the town the second friend makes her way to the chemist to buy some condoms and asks the lady behind the till for some condoms.

Giving a little smirk the lady says and what size would you like thinking for a moment the old lady replies big enough to fit a camel please.