Old and New Jokes

One of Microsofts finest technicans was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, Its leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

Look, Ill give you $100 if youll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where Im to promise to love, honor and obey and forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever, Id appreciate it if youd just leave that part out. He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the grooms vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:

Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, Yes.

After the wedding, the groom pulled the pastor aside and hissed, I thought we had a deal.

The pastor put the $100 bill into the grooms hand and whispered back, She made me a much better offer.

Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.

1. Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloddy murder and trash on the floor.

2. Go to the mall with your roomate and sit on Santas lap. Refuse to get off.

3. Wear a Santa suit all the time. Deny youre wearing it.

4. Sit in a corner in the fetal position rocking back and forth chanting, Santa Claus is coming to town, Santa Claus is coming to town …

5. Hang mistle-toe in the doorway. When your roomate enters or leaves the room, plant a wet one on his/her lips.

6. Hang a stocking with your roomates name on it. Collect coal and sharp objects in it. If s/he asks, say youve been very naughty this year.

7. Paint your nose red and wear antlers. Constantly complain about how you never get to join in on the reindeer games.

8. Make conversation out of Christmas Carols. (I.E. You know, I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus underneath the mistle-toe last night.)

9. Wrap yourself in Christmas lights and roll around in the snow.

10. Sing: All I want for Christmas is my roomates two front teeth …

11. Give your roomate the gifts from the twelve days of Christmas song.

12. Build a snowperson with your roomate and place a hat on its head. When it doesnt come to life, cry hysterically it didnt work!

13. Whip your roomate screaming now Dasher, now Dancer, now Donner, and Blitzen, etc.

14. Tear down all your roomates Christmas decorations yelling Bah Humbug!

15. Wake up every morning screaming Ghost of Christmas Future, please have mercy on my soul!

16. Tell your roomate youre moving out. Santas buying you a house on 34th Street.

17. Pin a pointsetta to your lapel.

18. Make anatomically correct gingerbread people and eat the best parts first.

19. Put on a fake white beard and insist that all your roomates friends give it a yank.

20. Ring jingle bells maniacally saying every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings.

21. Stand in front of the mirror reciting How the Grinch Stole Christmas over and over in your underwear.

22. Smoke mistle-toe. Do what comes naturaly.

23. Watch your roomate when s/he is sleeping. When s/he wakes up sing, he sees you when youre sleeping…

24. Steal a life size nativity scene and display it in your room. When your roomate asks, tell him/her I had to let them stay here, theres no room at the inn.

25. When your roomate goes to the bathroom, rearrange his/her posessions. Tellhim/her that Santas elves must have done it.

You know its cold when you see a lawyer with his hands in his OWN pockets!

Q. Why did the Jewish chicken cross the road?

A. To get to the synagogue

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the
fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that
even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining.

Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree
I dont have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its
intentions.

I thought my windows was down but I found out it was up when I put
my head through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wifes face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times
before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law
and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As
I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and
I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel
and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my
universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a
place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to
stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the
pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I
found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of
the road when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over
him.

I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the
hood of my car. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in
a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in
a ditch by some stray cows.

The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out
of its way when it struck my front end.

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said Today I am going to create a land called Canada.

It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty – it shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes bountiful with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.

God continued, I shall make the land rich in oil so to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.

But Lord, asked Gabriel, dont you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?

No, not really. God replied…

Just wait and see the neighbours I am going to give them!

Why did the jellybean jump off the cliff ?

Because he wanted to be a smarty!

A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders dont last as long as light bulbs.