Old and New Jokes

Three Gay Men Die





Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated.



Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the



same time,and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.





The first man said, My Benny loved to fly, so Im going up



in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky.





The second man said, My Carl was a good fisherman, so Im



going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake





The third man (Bobby) said, My Jim was such a good lover, I think



Im



going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my



ass up just one more time.

Q: What do vibrators and soybeans have in common?





A: They are both great substitutes

One day a woman was walking with her teenage daughter. The daughter asked, Mom, what exactly is Heaven?

The woman replied, Heaven is when a big strong handsome man pulls my panties down or when we go under the sheets at anytime of the day.

Then what, the daughter asked, is Hell?

Her mother replied, Thats what I have to pay when your father walks in while Im in Heaven.

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that shes low on gas, so she stops at a gas station.

While shes pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car. So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.

She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock. Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is doing.

Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying…

A little more to the left…a little more to the right

I received this bulletin today and thought I should pass it on in time to save everyone the embarrassment of making passe, partisan holiday plan faux pas.

RE: Chrismukah

Subject: UNEXPECTED MERGER

Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that the deal had been in the works about 1300 years.

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, were told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the Fifteen Days of Chrismukah, as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the hardest hit.

As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to A great miracle happened there, the message on the dreydl will be the more generic Miraculous stuff happens.

In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts.

One of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year, when Oreos were finally declared to be Kosher. All sides appeared happy about this.

Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of Oy Vey, All Ye Faithful.

After each question, your say: Rubber Jugs and Liquor.

Q: What did you have for breakfast?

A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

Q: What did you have for lunch?

A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor!

Q: What did you have for supper?

A: Rubber Jugs and Liquor! . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Q: What would you do if you saw a hot chick walking down the street?

hee-hee hoo-hoo haa-haa!

Buy a Ford, Buy the Best, Drive a mile, walk the rest.

A ventriloquist had just finished his polack joke routine when a huge, drunk polack confronted him, Im sick of your polack jokes and Im going to knock the shit out of you. Im sorry, it was all in good fun, replied the comedian. The polack retorted, I was talking to little asshole on your knee."

How do you catch a polar bear in Alaska?

First you go out and cut a hole in the ice. Then, you line the hole
with peas. When the bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the
ice-hole.

Two blondes decided
to split a can of Diet cola. One blonde opened the can, and poured half
the contents into her own glass, and half into her friends glass. Before
tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the
side.
"Only one calorie per can," she read aloud.
"Hmm," murmured the other blonde. "I wonder which glass
has the calorie?"