Old and New Jokes

A bloke goes into a pub.
The barmaid asks what he wants.

I want to put my head between your tits, and lick the sweat off, he replies.

You dirty bastard! shouts the barmaid, Get out before I get my husband.

The bloke apologizes and says he will never do it again.

The barmaid, disgusted, accepts his apology and asks what he wants again.

I want to pull down your knickers, spread cottage cheese between your arse cheeks and lick it off, he replies.

What??? screams the barmaid, Thats it! Youre barred, you dirty, filthy, perverted bastard, get out now.

Once again the bloke apologizes, and says he will never, ever do it again.

Right. Ill give you one last chance, says the barmaid. Now, what do you want?

I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness and drink it all out of you.

The barmaid starts crying and runs upstairs to her husband, who is sitting down watching the telly.

Whats up, love? says the husband.

Theres this disgusting bloke downstairs. When I asked him what he wanted, he said that he wanted to put his head between my tits and lick the sweat off, she says in a flood of tears.

What? Hes a dead man, shouts the husband getting out of his chair.

Then he said he wanted to pull down my knickers, spread cottage cheese between my arse cheeks and lick it off, screams the wife.

Right, hes going to need a body bag, the bastard, shouts the husband rolling up his sleeves and picking up a baseball bat.

Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and drink it out of me, she concludes.

When he hears this, the husband puts the baseball bat down and sits back down in his chair.

Arent you going to do something? shouts the wife in hysterics.

Listen love, Im not messing with someone who can drink 14 pints of Guinness…

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.

So, next Sunday he took the Monsignors advice.

At the beginning of the sermon, he got so nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door.

1. Sip the vodka; dont gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not beat his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late JC.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the crap out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, dont say he was stoned off his ass.

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T.

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, Take this and eat it for it is my body. He did not say, Eat me.

12. The Virgin Mary is not called Mary with the cherry.

13. The recommended Grace before a meal is not, Rub-a-dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeah God.

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at Saint Peters, not a peter-pulling contest at Saint Taffys.

A blonde woman is driving a Porsche. She sees
another blonde woman with a Porsche that has
broken down on the side of the road. She stops to
ask whats wrong.

The owner of the broken Porsche
said, I just had a look under the hood, well,
while I was driving somebody had stolen the
engine.

The other said, Oh, dont wory, I have a spare
one in the back of my Porsche.

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.



When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.



Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked: Why are you laughing?



I was thinking about my own funeral the man replied.

Whats so funny about that?



Im a gynecologist.

And for those of you who remember the famous I didnt inhale comes
the now soon to be famous #1 excuse.

I didnt insert

A: Flattered.

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course
lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, Honey, be very careful when you
drive the ball. Dont knock out any windows. Itll cost us a fortune
to fix.

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the
biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, I told you to watch out for the houses.
All right, lets go up there, apologize, and see how much this is
going to cost.

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, Come on in.
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken
bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, Are you the people who broke my window?
Uh, yeah. Sorry about that, the husband replied.

No, actually, I want to thank you. Im a genie who was trapped for a
thousand years inside that bottle. Youve released me. Im allowed to
grant three wishes — Ill give you each one wish, and Ill keep the
last one for myself.

Okay, great! the husband said. I want a million dollars a year for
the rest of my life.

No problem — its the least I could do. And you, what do you want?
the genie said, looking at the wife.

I want a house in every country of the world, she said.

Consider it done, the genie replied.

And whats your wish, genie?, the husband said.

Well, since Ive been trapped in that bottle, I havent had sex with
a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.

The husband looked at the wife and said, Well, we did get a lot of
money and all those houses, honey. I guess I dont care.

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and
said, How old is your husband, anyway?

Thirty-five, she replied.

And he still believes in genies? … Thats amazing.

One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. (Oh, cmon, Im sure theres one buried in your desk too.) Since hed heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and — oh, surprise — out popped a genie. The genie asked, as genies will, “What is your first wish?” The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, “I would like to be rich!” So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates. Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didnt even have to ask for number two before he said, “My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!” And poof, he was there. Then the government worker — or, as I like to call him, civil servant — decided on his third wish, “I dont want to do any work ever again!” and poof — ubiquitous ironic twist — he was back in his office.

One Halloween two black children, a brother and a sister, were trick-or-treating as Hansel and Gretel. They came to the first house and knocked on the door. The old lady that answered said, Children! Go back home and tell your momma that Hansel and Gretel werent black!

They went home and told their mother. She pulled out their Romeo and Juliet costumes from last year and quickly got them re-dressed. They went back to the old ladys house where she came to the door and again she said, Children! Go back home and tell your momma that Romeo and Juliet werent black!

Again they went home and told their mother. This time, their mother said Ill fix that mean old lady. Give me your clothes.

The boy and his sister took off their costumes and their mother sent them back to the old ladys house without a stitch of clothing to wear. They knocked on the door and the old lady answered. CHILDREN!! she said. Youre both naked! Now what are you supposed to be?

The little girl replied, Were Hersheys chocolate bars. Hes got nuts and I dont.