Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Holland!
Holland who?
Holland you going to make me wait out here!

Q: How many freelance biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One; he designs the bulb to crawl up the wall, unscrew the old one and screw itself in.

There was this blonde who bought a coach ticket to go to Chicago.

She boards the plane and sits in the first class area.

The stewardess comes over and says maam your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area.

The blonde says Im blonde beautiful and going to Chicago.

The stewardess says you must move to the coach area.

The blonde says Im blonde beautiful and going to Chicago.

The stewardess goes over and gets the head stewardess. The head stewardess comes over and says maam you must move to coach.

The blonde says Im blonde beautiful and going to Chicago.

The stewardesses look at each other and decide to go get the captain.

The captain comes over and says maam your ticket says coach you must move to the coach area.

The blonde says Im blonde beautiful and going to Chicago.

The captain shakes his head and bends down and whispers in her ear.

All of a sudden she jumps up grabs her luggage and goes over to the coach area.

The stewardesses look at each other and ask the captain What did you say to her?

The captain says I told her first class wasnt going to Chicago.

El marido sale del baño desnudo y empieza a subir a la cama, cuando su mujer se queja diciendo como siempre:

Tengo dolor de cabeza.

Perfecto, casualmente estaba en el baño espolvoreándome el pene con aspirina. La puedes tomar oral o como supositorio… ¡cómo tu quieras!

Seen on an Arkansas Car Bumper

Honk, if you havent had sex with Bill Clinton

A man traveling by airplane was in urgent need of a restroom facility, but each time he tried, it was occupied. The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he used the attendants LADIES room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked respectively: WW WA PP ATR. Making the mistake soooo many men make of NOT listening to a women, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of warm water sprayed on his bare bottom.

He thought, Wow, these gals really have it nice. So, a little more boldly he pressed the WA button. Body temperature warm air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably.

Aha, he thought, no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kind of services! So he pushed the next button, PP, with anticipation. A soft disposable powder puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc.

Man, this is great, he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off, so in confusion, he buzzed the nurse to find out where he was and what had happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane. The nurse explained, yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Remover button.

By the way, your penis is under your pillow.

This joke has a little history behind it.

Back in the 1960s in Chicago there was a radio station (WLS?) with a
very popular disk jockey named Dick Biondi who told this joke on the air
and got fired for it the very same day.

A newlywed couple who were both avid baseball fans attended a game at
Sox park. They were still on their honeymoon and very affectionate, hugging
and kissing so much that they werent able to follow the game.
After a couple of seconds of thought the wife says, Ive got an idea,
honey. You kiss me on the strikes and Ill kiss you on the balls.

[Note – reportedly a cute, but false story – ed.]

12. Every morning at the bus stop, that same pig is reading the newspaper – upside down!11. Whenever you cross the road, so does that damned chicken!10. That foul smell, and youre not with your beer drinking buddies.9. Heavy bleating on the other end of the phone.8. Silhouette of knife-wielding Holstein appears on your shower curtain.7. Everywhere you do, the bell! the Bell!! THE BELL!!!6. You find a knit cap and FOUR bloody gloves.5. You keep hearing , Oink Oink, and there isnt a SeenSay toy in sight.4. After an ugly break-up with Flopsy, you find Glenn Close floating in a pot on your stove.3. While baking custard pie, you step in cow pie.2. All 84 Caller ID entries read, Babe.and the Number 1 Sign Youre Being Stalked By A Farm Animal…1. Note on your doorstep says, Well see whos laughing at Thanksgiving this year, Ginsu Boy!

Stanford called the vet, Doctor, youve got to come right over! My pet pig just ate the TV remote control!Ill be right there.Thanks, but what do I do in the meantime? The vet said, Read a book.

Whats an Australian kiss?

The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!