Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Maxine!
Maxine who?
Maxine the wave dude!

Q: Why are there more jokes about Waco than Jonestown?
A: The punch lines were too long in Jonestown.

Q: How many municipal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Seven – two to administer the Civil Service examination for the Light Bulb Administrator position, the Commissioner of Public Works, who ends up hiring his brother for the position anyway, one to plow the mayors driveway, a Summer Youth student to actually screw it in, and a Union steward to protest that its the electricians job to screw in lightbulbs.

Nine signs you are on a No Frill Airline

1. You cant board the plane unless you have the exact change.

2. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

3. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

4. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

6. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, Just once.

7. No movie. Dont need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

8. You see a man with a gun, but hes demanding to be let off the plane.

9. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Esta es la historia de un culo que ya no quería ser culo, así que hablo con el Supremo:

Ya no quiero ser un culo, pidió.

Pero, ¿por qué no quieres ser un culo?

Es que soy la cosa más miserable del universo; me ultrajan y abusan de mí. No, ya no quiero ser un culo, se queja.

Entonces, ¿qué quieres ser?

Yo quisiera ser un pajarito.

Y, zas, el Altísimo lo convierte en pájaro. Cuando se trepa a una rama de un árbol, como lo hacen todos los pájaros, llega otro pájaro que lo saluda:

Hola, culito.

No soy culito, reclama.

Eres un culo, insiste el ave.

No, que no soy.

Entonces, ¿qué eres?

Pues soy un pajarito.

A ver, canta.

Y comienza a cantar:

Prprprprprpr.

Lo hecho en Mexico… está bien Hecho sólo en Mexico.

Sólo en Mexico… Una pizza puede llegar más pronto a tu casa que una ambulancia.

Sólo en Mexico… En un restaurant la gente ordena sopes, gorditas, quesadillas, hamburguersas y… refresco de dieta.

Sólo en Mexico… Las filas en las cajas rápidas del supermercado son las más lentas.

Sólo en Mexico… Es más facil ser asaltado que conseguir trabajo.

Sólo en Mexico… Los indígenas hablan inglés, francés, italiano… y no entienden una pizca de español.

Sólo en Mexico… Es más fácil encontrar un expendio de cervezas que un policía.

Sólo en Mexico… Decir estupideces en TV te puede convertir en el mejor conductor.

Sólo en Mexico…. Las cárceles están llenas al tope por un asesinato, pero no está el que lo cometió.

Sólo en Mexico… Una cara bonita puede destrozarte los tímpanos, Sólo porque decidió entrarle a la cantada.

Sólo en Mexico… El burro más burro y más inepto puede ganar más que tu, tener mejor trabajo que el tuyo, mejor casa, mejor carro y mejor vieja.

Sólo en Mexico… ¡VIVA MEXICO CAB..NES!

In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:

Limbaughium Lb

The heaviest known element. It possesses an ever-expanding mass. Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and electrons; attracts only morons.



With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.



Canadium Eh

Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more rigid. Often called Boron.



Innofensium Pc

Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons, neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells like a rose.



Newtium

Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.



Quaylium Vp

Einsteinium it aint.



Budweisium Ps

Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from water.



Cabmium Cb

Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.



Politicium Po

Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.



Congress Cg

Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.



Snot Sn

Bonds forever with corduroy.

Hilary is not feeling well. She goes to her doctor and gets a complete physical, only to find out that she is pregnant. She is furious and cant believe this has happened.

She calls the White House and gets Bill on the phone, and immediately begins to berate him, screaming:



How could you have let this happen? With all of the trouble going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!!! How could you???!!!



I just found out I am pregnant and it is your fault!!! How could you??? What have you got to say???



There is nothing but silence on the phone. She screams again: CAN YOU HEAR ME???



Bills quiet voice comes on in a barely audible whisper…Who is this???

Did you hear about the constipated accountant who tried to work it out with a pencil?

Reasons Dates Have Given For Standing Someone Up

I showed up early and decided I just didnt feel like going out after all, so I went home before you arrived.

My dog died.

My neighbors bird died, and I had to console my neighbor.

I figured that probably wasnt your real picture, so I didnt bother coming over.

I overslept.

I took the wrong freeway exit and got lost, and after 40 minutes, I gave up, turned around, and went home.

I know I said Id be at home at 8:00 P.M., but I went out to a movie at 6:00 P.M. and had such a good time out after meeting some friends at the movie that I forgot all about our date and went out to dinner with them.

I had the address, but forgot which city you lived in.

Yesterday was the last day of my vacation, so I went two-stepping and ran into my ex there, and we fell in love again during a slow dance, so I cant date you any more, but Id still like us to be friends.

My roommate overdosed and I had to take him to the emergency room.