Old and New Jokes

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.

Oh really, hmm, didnt know that.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didnt care. The second Englishman remarked, You just dont know how to set him off…watch and learn. So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!

Oh really, hmm, didnt know that.

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. Youre right. Hes unshakable!

The third Englishman remarked, Boys, Ill really tick him off… just watch. So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!

Yeah, thats what your buddies were trying to tell me.

THE Y1K CRISIS



Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.



An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called Y1K Bug, a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of. Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.



Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables.



All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.



We should have seen it coming , says Brother Cedric of St. Michael Abbey, here in Canterbury. What worries me most is that THOUSAND contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse — The Latin word for Thousand is Mile which is the same as the Latin for mile. We wont know whether we are talking about time or distance!



Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos.



A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival.

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.

Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.



God got mad and said, You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?



And the man replied, I dont know, my wife told me to stand here

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.



As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!



The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.



Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that hed also took a dump in your pants.

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why dont You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear God, Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you? Because if you did, then Im going to fix my brother! -Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions. -Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, Ill show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot:

I am an elderly woman who lives alone. There are no senior centers in my area, and I live on a fixed income. I would love to get out and meet more people, but there seem to be very few options for someone my age. Is there some social outlet I dont know about?

— Lonely In Laramie

Dear Lonely,

Kick it, lick it, watch where I stick it

Face down while I punch your ticket

Ride my king cobra round the world

Wanna do ya girl

Want ya pettin my big black cat

Blackberry jam dont shake like that

If your bootys extra-large, Ill bring the funk

Wanna see some extra luggage in the trunk.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot:

I am preparing an elegant dinner party for the holidays with approximately 30 guests. Many on the guest list have made special requests regarding next to whom they wish to be seated. Is it my job to accommodate as many requests as possible, or is my time better spent on the other details of the party?

— Baffled In Baldwin

Dear Baffled,

Drop em and shake it, girl, ya wont break it

Leave enough for me to take it

Mix likes to get down and make it

When the girl is large and naked

Talkin bout a booty with meat on the bones

Two scoops of chocolate, hold the cones

Wanna hit your pleasure zone

Mix-A-Lot gonna make you moan.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot:

If you ask me, your response to Torn In Tuscaloosa was way off the mark. If her boyfriend doesnt want to get off the couch and start working for a living, hes nothing but a no-good, selfish moocher. That girl should drop him like a hot potato!

— Peeved In Peekskill

Dear Peeved,

Whos afraid of my big bad weenie

Rub it and see if its got a genie

Gonna make disappear this 10-inch zucchini

Just like Houdini

M-I-X to the A-L-O-T rappin

Wanna see yo butt cheeks flappin

Mix want the honeys with the big back doors

So drop them drawers, whores. Unh.

Childrens worst book titles!

You Were an Accident Strangers Have the Best Candy The Little Sissy Who Snitched Some Kittens Can Fly! Getting More Chocolate on Your Face Where Would You Like to Be Buried? Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her The Attention Deficit Disorder Associations Book of Animals of North America-Hey! Lets Go Ride Our Bikes! All Dogs Go to Hell The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking When Mommy and Daddy Dont Know the Answer, They Say God Did It Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog? Why Cant Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? Bi-Curious George Daddy Drinks Because You Cry You Are Different and Thats Bad Dads New Wife Gerald Pop! Goes The Hamster-And Other Great Microwave Games Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad Babar Meets the Taxidermist Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Moms Purse The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will The Care Bears Maul Some Campers And Are Shot Dead How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever made change in the offering plate.

Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system Windows 2000 will be delayed until the second quarter of

1901.

She pulled over so she could watch it turn