Old and New Jokes

If you are feeling good, dont worry. Youll get over it.

Why arent [ethnic] people blonde?

How dumb do you want them to be?

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick OReilly
wandered by.

Help! Paddy shouted, Oim sinkin!

Dont worry, assured Mick. Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oim the
strongest man in Erin, and Oill pull ye right out o there.

Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddys hand and pulled and pulled to no
avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, Shure, an Oi
cant do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oill have to get
some help.

As Mick was leaving, Paddy called Mick! Mick! Dye think it will help
if I pull me feet out of the stirrups?

What did one gay sperm say to the other?

How we suppose to find an egg in all this shit?

August 23rd.

Just moved to Seattle. Lovely weather, about 75 degrees, no clouds, beautiful trees and mountains, especially Mt. Rainier. Puget Sound … how cool is that. I wonder how everything stays so green even in the summer?? People here are sure lucky to have such a beautiful outdoors to play in. Only 50 miles to the mountains and 70 to the sea. I love it here.

August 25th.

Drove out to the mountains yesterday. It took 2.5 hours just to get to the top of the pass? I wonder why traffic was so heavy? It was barely moving. When I got to the other side it was even slower because of road construction. Sure was pretty though, another beautiful day, even though I spent the better part of it in the car. Next time Ill make sure to leave earlier so I can miss the traffic. Also remember not to stop in North Bend for gas it took like an hour??

August 26th.

What happened to the nice weather? Gosh its cold! only about 54 degrees, yesterday it was 84. These clouds are very low and grey it sure looks like its going to rain I was going to wash the car and mow the lawn but I better not if its going to rain.

August 27th.

Weather is the same as yesterday. Very grey and depressing but its not raining so Ill wash the car and mow the lawn today. The weatherman says its going to be sunny tomorrow. I think Ill play some golf.

August 28th.

Pouring down rain. Cold. Kind of pissed off because I spent 4.5 hours washing and waxing my black car because the weatherman said it was going to be sunny today. Not to mention I shelled out $150.00 to play this fancy golf course and it poured down rain the whole time. Boy the weatherman kind of missed that one. Ill bet he feels dumb.

September 28th.

Geez, except for those few days at the beginning of September, its rained almost every day. Must be the rainy season in Seattle. Oh well, it keeps the reservoirs full and the trees green. Looking forward to those crisp clear fall days and football season!

October 31st.

Halloween. Cold as hell and raining. Poor kids, thats not much fun trick or treating in that weather. All their little costumes getting ruined. The weatherman said it was going to be clear and crisp for the trick or treaters? This guy seems to be wrong alot in his forecasts. Hes probably not a weatherman at all. His Dad must be some big wig and got him the job. Ill going to watch another station with a real weatherman.

November 1st.

At home with my knee elevated. Doctors orders. Pulled the ligaments really bad chasing down some little bastards that smashed my pumpkins. Boy a wooden deck with Thompsons watersealer on it is slicker than snot when its wet. Still raining. My knee is killing me. I can still hear those kids laughing.

November 28th.

Does it rain every freaking day here?! It sure seems like it. You wanna know cold? Try 40 degrees with rain being blown into you at 15 miles an hour. Burr! People always talk about the beautiful mountains here. Well I havent seen them in at least a month. And why are people so afraid of driving in the rain?! Lets go! The forecast calls for some sun though so Ill get some yard work done this weekend.

November 30th.

Rained all weekend but now its sunny … Allright! … Finally! Sure feels good to feel the sun on your face again. Now I remember why I like this place so much. Its almost December and its 54 degrees and sunny. I think Ill wash the car. Weatherman says this high pressure system should stay with us for awhile and push this system well to the north of us.

December 1st.

F#*)@$& raining again. I just washed the F#*)@$& car! What is the deal with these weathermen. Theyre wrong every F#*)@$& time! They are blaming offshore flow for kicking this system a little south and into our region. Whatever. Pardon my French but F#*)@$& the Rain!

December 25th.

Ho! Ho! Ho! Its F#*)@$& raining again. Merry F#*)@$& Christmas.

February 1st.

Ha Ha! Its day 62 of constant rain. I threw my milkshake at some son-of-a-bitch on the freeway this morning. Cut me off will you? Doubt it. Too bad its raining because it cleaned the milkshake off his car. Oh well he got the message. Cant let people mess with you on the road. You better take your openings when you can or they will walk all over you. Why do people drive so slow in the rain! What are they afraid of? It rains here every day!, how are you supposed to enjoy the beautiful outdoors?

February 3rd.

Man its beautiful outside. Its like 60 degrees and sunny. Sweet weather for February. Im just going to enjoy it. Im not going to jinx it either by washing my car. No sir! Boy its pretty here. The snow covered mountains, crystal blue water, big green trees. Think Ill head up to the mountains.

February 4th.

That was by far the worst traffic I have encountered on the pass yet. Every Idiot and grandmother was on the road yesterday. Hey look its sunny lets all get in the car!

February 8th.

Geez its still sunny. It feels like spring. Birds are chirping, flowers are blooming. It sure is a nice place to live. I guess it doesnt rain that much. Gosh its a beautiful day, I think Ill wash the car.

February 9th.

I KNEW IF I WASHED THE CAR IT WOULD START RAINING! F!@&! I hate it here.

March 1st.

We are having a wicked storm. 50mph winds. Trees down. Powers out. Cable is out. (why does the cable always go out when the wind blows if the cable is in the ground.) What is this, day 21 or 22 of straight rain? How high are those clouds off the ground, 50 feet?!

April 1st.

I guess this is the only state where no one knows the fast lane rule. Weatherman says rain for at least the next two weeks, and he said it with a big goofy smile. Thats not funny, not funny at all.

April 12th.

84 DEGREES! Wow, its beautiful here. It was a nasty winter but spring is finally here! If we have spring and summer like this I guess I can take a little rain in the winter. What a place!

April 30th.

Eleventh straight day of rain. Cold too, about 50 degrees. I thought spring was here. Thats what you get for thinking. I would like meet up with this weather clown someday. I like the rain. he says. Smack!

May 20th.

Big surprise! Still raining! How many ways do these idiot weathermen have for describing rain. Showers, partial showers, slight showers, increasing showers, decreasing showers, heavy showers, light showers, partial showers with areas of heavy downfall, mild showers … yadda, yadda, yadda.

June 21.

The first day of summer! Raining! 54 degrees. My car is starting to smell like mildew, it been wet for the last 6 months. I think Im starting to get webbed feet. The commute was only 15 hours today…Joy! Oh well I have the big fourth of July picnic to look forward to. Some cold beers in the hot sun, cant wait.

July 4th.

Not having too much fun. I forgot my coat and am freezing my rear off. I dont know exactly what we are experiencing here, I think its just plain old showers, but maybe its partial showers with periods of rain. No problem keeping the beer cold though. I have a project for next weekend: cleaning the beans and potato salad out of my car. I had to eat in my car because all the trees were taken and I had to get out of the rain. I hate it here.

July 28th.

Cloudy and cool. But its not raining. Thank God its not hot! Who would want it hot in the summer?? I figured out what people do here for fun. Hey honey get the kids … lets get in the car and go sit in some traffic!

August 14th.

Exchanged gunfire on the road today. He appeared prepared for gunfire but wasnt ready for the ramming. The 750 lb. iron bar attached to the front of my Porsche looks a little weird but it works! A little tap on these wet roads and he was in the ditch.

August 24th.

Got out of jail this morning. What an experience! Had to get a ride home as my license has been taken away. Whats this? sunshine? 80 degrees, guess summer is here? What a beautiful day. Its so pretty with the mountains and the water and the trees …

One day A Blonde girl was running out to check her mail and a neighbor was watching. 5 minutes later she checked it again this happened all through the day till the neighbor went outside and stopped her and asked her why she kept looking in her mail box and her reply was.

My computer keeps telling me I have mail!

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didnt have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with a bucket to gather some snails.

Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.

As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.

He kept thinking to himself Wouldnt it be great if she would just come down and talk to me. He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him.

They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place…

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven oclock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, Oh no!!! My wifes dinner party!!!

He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment.

He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs.

The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where hes been all this time.

He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: Come on guys, were almost there!

These are stories and test questions accumulated by music teachers in the state of Missouri:

Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music.
Refrain means dont do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
John Sebastian Bach died from 1750 to the present.
Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
An opera is a song of bigly size.
In the last scene of Pagliacci, Canio stabs Nedda who is the one he really loves. Pretty soon Silvio also gets stabbed, and they all live happily ever after.
When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel. If they sing without music, it is called Acapulco.
I know what a sextet is but I had rather not say.
Caruso was at first an Italian. Then someone heard his voice and said he would go a long way. And so he came to America.
A good orchestra is always ready to play if the conductor steps on the odium.
Morris dancing is a country survival from times when people were happy.
Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago.
Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields.
My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
My favorite composer is Opus.
A harp is a nude piano.
A tuba is much larger than its name.
Instruments come in many sizes, shapes and orchestras.
You should always say celli when you mean there are two or more cellos.
Another name for kettle drums is timpani. But I think I will just stick with the first name and learn it good.
A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
The double bass is also called the bass viol, string bass, and bass fiddle. It has so many names because it is so huge.
When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
What are kettle drums called? Answer: Kettle drums.
Cymbals are round, metal CLANGS!
A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.
For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
I cant reach the brakes on this piano!
The main trouble with a French horn is its too tangled up.
Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
Instrumentalist is a many-purposed word for many player-types.
The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
A contra-bassoon is like a bassoon, only more so.
Tubas are a bit too much.
Music instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
I would like for you to teach me to play the cello. Would tomorrow or Friday be best?
My favorite instrument is the bassoon. It is so hard to play people seldom play it. That is why I like the bassoon best.
It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
Q: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument?
A: Yes.

Source: Missouri School Music Newsletter, collected by Harold Dunn.

A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctors office and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says, I am not going to beat around the bush, you have AIDS.

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, Doc, what can I do?

The doctor says, I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, Will that cure me, Doc?

No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.

Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover?

A: When they put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.