Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Yoda!
Yoda who?
Yoda le lee whoo!

Llega un rico medio menso y muy prepotente a un hotel.

Sígame señor, le dice el botones.

El botones abre una puerta y mete el equipaje. Entonces, el rico protesta:

Este cuarto está muy pequeño, ¡que venga el gerente!

Y el botones dice:

Cálmese señor. ¡Este es sólo el elevador!

Q: What do you call a pig with skin problems?

A: A warthog

Feminists are OK, I just wouldnt want my sister to marry one.

One morning a local highway department crew reaches their job-site and realizes they have forgotten all their shovels.

The crews foreman radios the office and tells his supervisor the situation.

The supervisor radios back and says, Dont worry, well send some shovels…just lean on each other until they arrive.

You might be a redneck if…
Your babys first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers."

Reasons Women Should Not Have Freedom of Speech…

1. She doesnt need to talk to get me a beer.

2. If shes in the kitchen like she should be, no one can hear her anyway.

3. If she can talk, all shell do is complain.

4. Because she wont say I will instead of I do.

5. No man wants to hear first down during a basketball game.

6. Because PMS is no excuse for whining.

7. No man needs or wants to hear the word period unless it has to do with hockey.

8. Women created tampon and yeast infection commercials during football.

9. Affirmative action.

10. When men whistle at them in the street, they should just shut up and obey.

11. If my dicks in her mouth, she cant talk anyway.

12. Oprah.

13. Feminists.

14. Because that stupid look on her face should not be accompanied by an equally stupid statement.

15. The 2nd and 19th amendments.

16. I dont want to be made to lie and say I love you after sex.

17. Highway fatalities would decrease by over 90%.

18. When I sneak out at four in the morning, I dont want to hear anybody calling me back.

19. No, I will NOT buy you tampons while Im at the store

20. This is my dick. Im gonna fuck you. No more stupid questions.

21. Dont waste your breath, I wont respect you in the morning.

22. Women sportscasters.

23. Women congressman.

24. God forbid, a woman president. (Oops, my bad — see #66)

25. Marge Schott.

26. Stupid says as stupid does (and is).. Dikes (unless I can jump in the middle).

28. Where does speaking come into barefoot and pregnant?

29. Yes that toilet seat was yellow in the first place.

30. TLC and Salt-N-Pepa.

31. I could give a shit if youre pregnant.

32. I dont care if youre in labor. For the love of god, let me sleep.

33. They were the reason for the 18th ammendment.

34. The life expectancy of the average male goes down with every bitchy word.

35. Female drunks are annoying unless they put out (for which they don’t need to talk)

36. Were tired of their We cant pee standing up shit.

37. That damn apple.

38. If she cant speak, she cant cry rape.

39. Of course, if she cant speak, she cant say no.

40. Rosanne. Nuff said.

41. Suzanne Powter. Too much said.

42. Honestly, do they really have anything useful to say?

43. Only one set of lips should be moving at a time.

44. If she cant talk, she cant bitch when I forget important dates.

45. There are no speaking parts in pornos anyway.

46. When she talks shes not drinking, its hard to get her drunk when she talking.

47. Nothing should come out a womans mouth, SWALLOW BITCH!

48. The Mute button only works on the TV.

49. Whores get paid by the hour not by the word.

50. Helen Keller was the ultimate woman.

51. Equality is for math.

52. The credit card bill speaks for itself.

53. If it hurts, I dont wanna hear it.

54. Marcia Clark.

55. Chick-flicks.

56. You dont see Victorias Secret models talking, do you?

57. Janet, Mariah, and Whitney.

58. Michael Jackson.

59. Silence and sex make a great combination.

60. N. O. W. ? NO. NOW BITCH? YES.

61. Intelligent car conversation? Hell no. Her head should never be above the dashboard.

62. That annoying fat bitch from Snapple.

63. Your mouth is useful in so many other ways.

64. High phone bills really suck.

65. Women should be seen and not heard.

66. Do you think it was BILL Clinton who fucked up the country?

67. If I want romance, Ill turn on Playboy (hopefully not her).

68. Because theyre not men.

69. 69, finally a use for both lips at the same time.

70. If I wanted your opinion, Id ask for it.

71. Hell, if I wanted your opinion, Id give it to you.

72. Whereve you been? Who the fuck are you, my mother?

73. Women on radio? You cant see them, do you really want to hear

them?

74. Unless the words are Doctor, can you make these bigger?, shut the fuck up.

75. Big breasts should speak for themselves.

There
was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He
stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps
next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just
drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The
truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking.
Here, Ill buy you another drink. I just cant stand
to see a man cry."
"No, its not that. This day is the worst of
my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my
office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave
the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen.
The police said that they can do nothing. I get a
cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember
I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver
just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my
wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come
to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting
an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

Madras, India

Monday, 20 February 1995

This joke come to me via the great Khushwant Singh, India greatest joke master. His ethnic group happens to be one of the two ethnic groups referenced in this joke. He tells them on everyone, even on the people of Tamil Nadu (whom I happen to know have a very good sense of humor).

A Haryanavi peasant was wlaking down the road carrying a heavy sack of grain on his head. A kindly Sardar farmer drawing his bullock-cart offered him a lift. The Haryanavi gratefully accepted the offer and sat down in the cart but kept the sack on his head.

Chaudhury, why dont you put down the sack in the gadda?

Sardarji, replied the Haryanavi, your cart is already heavily loaded. I dont want to put more burden on your poor bullock.

Obsessive cyberflirt, actually 47 years old and hasnt left her house in weeks but feels loved because she has 300 AOLers chasing her.
Odinist Mafiosi dominatrix gangsters moll, in Norway and bored because she hasnt shed any blood in THREE DAYS, let alone killed anyone.
Cyberspace Jaye Davidson, considers himself trapped in a mans body but wont admit it.
Illiterate bimbo, knows how to use the SHOUT command on MUDs and nothing else.
Smirking college student who thinks its so fun to tease men, and does nothing but IRC on #hotsex because shes the star of the show. Uses the name of one of her sorority sisters so that the losers who track her down dont pester HER.
AOL hacker-wannabe. Will sleep with anyone who can tell her about Kevin Mitnick.
Bored grad students AI routine blonde.c
Kibo.
Achmed Darsein, who is cleverly disguising himself as a woman in order to learn about the USA and blow up the World Trade Center again. Your first clue should be that he refers to Clinton as The Great Satan. Also makes frequent references to his veil.
Rush Limbaughs new wife, who is already quite fed up with him and spends all her time online because Rush cant stop flapping his jaw. Your first clue should be that she refers to Clinton as The Great Satan. Also makes frequent references to her husbands beer belly.

– by Sky Kruse