Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So … the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because Da oily boid gets da woim.
There was a man who entered a local papers pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
YOU MEAN ME?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, Nobody move! When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.
Is there a Santa Claus? The Rebuttal
(Jim Mantle, Waterloo Maple Software)
Come on, ya gotta believe! I mean, if you can handle flying furry animals, then its only a small step to the rest! For example:
As admitted, it is possible that a flying reindeer can be found. I would agree that it would be quite an unusual find, but they might exist.
Youve relied on cascading assumptions. For example, you have assumed a uniform distribution of children across homes. Toronto/Yorkville, or Toronto/Cabbagetown, or other yuppie nieghborhoods, have probably less than the average (and dont forget DINK and SINK homes (Double Income No Kids, Single Income No Kids)), while families with 748 starving children that they keep showing on Vision TV while trying to pick my pocket would skew that 15% of homes down a few percent.
Youve also assumed that each home that has kids would have at least one good kid. What if anti-selection applies, and homes with good kids tend to have more than their share of good kids, and other homes have nothing but terrorists in diapers? Lets drop that number of homes down a few more percent.
Santa would have to FedEx a number of packages ahead of time, since he would not be able to fly into Air Force bases, or into tower-controlled areas near airports. Hed get shot at over certain sections of the Middle East. and the no-fly zones in Iraq, so hed probably use DHL there. Subtract some more homes.
I just barely passed Physics and only read Stephen Hawkings book once, but I recall that there is some Einsteinian Theory that says time does strange things as you move faster. In fact, when you go faster than the speed of light, time runs backward, if you do a straight line projection, connect the dots and just ignore any singularity you might find right at the speed of light. And dont say you cant go faster than the speed of light because Ive seen it done on TV. Jean-Luc doesnt have reindeer but he does have matter-antimatter warp engines and a holodeck and thats good enough for me. So Santa could go faster than the speed of light, visit all the good children which are not uniformly distributed by either concentration in each home or by number of children per household, and get home before he left so he can digest all those stale cookies and warm milk. Yech!
Aha, you say. Jean-Luc has matter-antimatter warp engines, Santa only has reindeer. Where does he get the power to move that fast?
-You- calculated the answer! The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy. Per second. Each. This is an ample supply of energy for the maneuvering, acceleration, etc., that would be required of the loaded sleigh. The reindeer dont evaporate or incinerate because of this energy, they accelerate. What do you think they have antlers for, fighting over females? Think of antlers as furry solar arrays panels.
If thats not enough, wathc the news on the 24th at 11 oclock. NORAD (which may be one of the few government agencies with more than 3 initials in its name and therefore it must be more trustworthy than the rest) tracks Santa every year and Ive seen radar shots of him approaching my house from the direction of the North Pole. They havent bombarded him yet, so they must believe too, right?
A blonde was filling out an application form for a job. She promptly filled the columns entitled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS, etc. Then she came to the column: SALARY EXPECTED.
Yes.
Top 10 Halloween Things That Sound Dirty…
10. Shes a goblin!
9. Id like to get a little something in the sack.
8. Let me see your bag….OH!-Youre having a great night!
7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
6. Shes got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
5. If you just lick it, itll last longer.
4. Show me your JuJuBees and Ill let you see my Zagnuts.
3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,
2. You scared me stiff!
1. Hes got Candy spread out on the living room floor!
There are 3 people walking down the street: the perfect man, the perfect woman, and Mickey Mouse. They see a $50 bill on the street. Who picks it up?
The perfect woman (naturally), because the other two are fictional characters!
A Polak was jumped by two muggers and fought like hell, but was finally subdued.
His attackers then proceeded to go through his pockets. You mean you fought like that for 57 cents? asked one of the muggers incredulously.
Is that all you wanted? moaned the Pole. I thought you were after the $400 in my shoe!
Two young nuns having just been ordained were on a holiday in New York City and were standing in front of the gorilla cage at the Bronx Zoo.
The gorilla took one look at this beautiful young nun, bent the bars, leapt to the ground and pumped her like crazy. Then he went back into his cage, straightened the bars and resumed thumping on his massive chest.
The young nun got up off the ground, straightened and dusted her clothes, turned to her companion and said,We shall never talk about this, agreed? The other young nun consented.
Twenty five years later the two nuns, who had stayed close friend, were out having coffee, when all of the sudden, the second nun asked her friend, I know I agreed never to talk about the event at the zoo but I have one question.
The other nun stared and said,O.K., one question!
The other nun stammered, then asked, Did it hurt?
Did it hurt? Oh yes it hurt! He never called… never phoned… he never sent flowers…
A woman was staying at a hotel and she decided to go sunbathing on the hotel roof. When she laid down to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didnt care so much, though, because nobody ever came up to the roof anyway. Which is why she was surprised when she heard footsteps. It was the maitred from the restaurant."Maam," he said, "we were all wondering if you could put your top back on.""Why? Im not disturbing anybody.""Maam. Youre on the skylight."