Old and New Jokes

Takes advantage of every opportunity to progress: Buys drinks for superiors.

Takes pride in work: Conceited.

Unlimited potential: Will stick with us until retirement.

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to save their parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night at home.

Later that night, their mother couldnt sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea.

On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughters bedroom and heard her screaming.

The mother thought to herself, Thats normal, especially on her wedding night.

She snuck by her second oldest daughters room and heard her laughing.

Thats normal too, she said, smiling to herself.

Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughters room where she didnt hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it.

The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had gone out, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last nights noises. Well Mom, she replied, you always said if it hurt I should scream.

Youre absolutely right sweetheart, the mother assured her, turning to her middle daughter. Now why were you laughing? she asked.

You always said if it tickled, I could laugh, she answered.

True enough, honey. The mother smiled, remembering her newlywed days. Now its your turn, baby, she said turning to her youngest daughter. Why was it so quiet in your room last night?

Mom, dont you remember? You always told me never to talk with my mouth full.

A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that a midget is watching him. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesnt really become uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs up, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.

Wow, comments the midget, those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!

Surprised, yet flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, says the little fellow, but I wonder if you would mind if I touch them.

Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he complies with the request.

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the mans balls, and says loudly,
Okay, hand me your wallet or Ill jump off the ladder.

10. Shes a goblin!

9. Id like to get a little something in the sack.



8. Let me see your bag….OH!-Youre having a great night!



7. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.



6. Shes got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch



5. If you just lick it, itll last longer.



4. Show me your JuJuBees and Ill let you see my Zagnuts.



3. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,



2. You scared me stiff!



1. Hes got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

If you are psychic – think HONK

If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

Youre just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Dont get me mad! Im running out of places to hide the bodies!

You are depriving some poor village of its idiot!

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

Grow your own dope, plant a man.

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says Do you know your monkey stole my beer. The pianist replies No, but if you hum it, Ill play it.

Because they cant get their head in the jar.

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about

something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, since he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldnt figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. Its a period, reported Johnnie.

Well I can see that, she said. But what is so exciting about a period.

Damned if I know, said Johnnie, but this morning my sister said she missed one….

Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the guy next door shot himself!

You know youre a redneck if youre part of the KKK, but you cant spell it.

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the supermarket.

A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied that he did not need a whole head, but only a half head. The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter. The boy walked into the back room and said, Theres some idiot out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce.

As he was finishing saying this, he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, And this gentleman wants to buy the other half.

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?

The boy replied, Canada, sir.

Oh, really? Why did you leave Canada? asked the manager. The boy replied, Theyre all just whores and hockey players up there.

My wife is from Canada!!

The boy replied, Really?? What team did she play for?