The incredibly dumb
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them, shouting please to come out and give himself up.
A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.
He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.
The genie says, Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.
The man says Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.
First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.
Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.
He continues, Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.
Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.
He continues, Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.
Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce, and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich, she said.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers. I love mustard. I had no napkin. I licked it off. It was not mustard. No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue. Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, Now you know why they call that mustard Poupon.
Never invest in anything that eats.
Someone who is afraid of Santa Claus.
Harley Davidson dies, and goes to heaven.
One day, he finds himself talking to God.
God says You know Harley, I really like you bikes.
There was only one thing wrong with them – the inlet was too close
to the exhaust.
Harley replied I couldnt find any way around that, though
I notice that you had the same problem with women, you know, inlet
to close to the exhaust.
God gets pretty angry at this, and snaps back
I bet more people rode my model than yours!
What driving to the store would be like if operating systems ran your car.
MS-DOS
You get in the car and try to remember where you put your keys.
Windows
You get in the car and drive to the store very slowly, because attached
to the back of the car is a freight train.
Windows NT
You get in the car and write a letter that says go to the store. Then
you get out of the car and mail the letter to your dashboard.
Macintosh System 7
You get in the car to go to the store. The car drives you to church
instead, because the store has mysteriously exploded.
Apple
As you set out for the store, a hurricane comes up. The streets flood
and the windshield wipers quit. You wash up in front of a store on a desert
island in the South Pacific.
UNIX
You get in the car and type GREP STORE. You screech off at 200 miles per
hour and arrive at the barber shop.
Taligent/Pink
You walk to the store with Ricardo Montalban, who tells you how
wonderful it will be when he can fly you to the store in his Learjet.
Amiga
You get in the car and tell it to go to the store. It takes you to a
shopping mall on the Moon.
VAX
You get in the car and find that the controls are all labeled in
Egyptian hieroglyphics. You press several buttons at random and suddenly
find yourself parked in front of a store, next to an Apple.
OS/2
After fueling up with 6,000 gallons of fuel, you get in the car and
drive to the store with a motorcycle escort and a marching band in
procession. Halfway there, the car blows up, killing you and half the town.
S/36 SSP (mainframe, obviously)
You get in the car and drive to the store. Halfway there you run out of
gas. While walking the rest of the way, you are run over by kids on mopeds.
AS/400
An attendant locks you into the car and then drives you to the store,
where you get to watch everybody else buy filet mignons.
I was working in a furniture store when a customer entered and asked to see the bookcases.
I reviewed the different cases for her, describing the available sizes and finishes. As I went along, I mentioned the different names: The Library Case, The Standard Case, The Modern Case, The Video Case and The Lawyer Case.
The customer stopped me and asked, Why do they call it The Lawyer Case?
I replied, If you look carefully, you will notice how many of them are made just a little crooked.
-=} Randall {=- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
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There was a crew that was working in the desert. And the main guy the head honcho was like, man I need to get laid. Well the crew told them that when they need to they use the camel. The honcho thought about that and thought wow, thats not a bad idea. So nights pass and the crew kept hearing weird noises. So one night they hear the noises again and go check it out. They see the honcho on a ladder screwing the camel. The crew told the honcho we ment we use the camel to ride into town.
When God created the earth, Adam & Eve, he found he had two baubles left over. He came to Adam & Eve & said, I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up.
Adam got very excited: Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If Im out in the fields, I can just go right there.
So Eve smiled & said, Okay, it sounds like he really wants that.
As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiousity, What was the other gift?
Oh, God said, looking, Multiple orgasms.