Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Justice!
Justice who!
Justice as I thought, no one home!

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex.

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.

He said, Id like to have one too.

Then I said, You dont understand. Ive had Sex since I was nine years old.

He said, You must have been quite a kid!

When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex.

He said he didnt want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.

I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace.

My family is barred from the church from then on.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said, Every room in the place is for sex.

I said, You dont understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.

The clerk said, Me too.

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.

I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets.

But you dont understand, I said, I had hoped to have Sex on T.V.

He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.

The judge said, Me too.

Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me.

He said, Me too.

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, What are you doing in the alley at 4 oclock in the morning?

I said, Im looking for Sex.

Well now Ive been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, What seems to be the trouble?

I replied, Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I couldnt live any longer so lonely,

And the doctor said, Look mister, you should understand that sex isnt a mans best friend, so get yourself a dog.

It was a miserable hot day in Dallas and these two black whores were walking down the street when one (Mary Jane) says to the other (Eloise), Eloise, honey, it is so hot out here today, why dont we take off our panties sos we be cool Eloise says, Oh, I dont know Mary Jane, I be too embarrassed.

So they walk on a bit farther and pretty soon Mary Jane says, Eloise, honey, I just cant stand this heat. We jess gots to take off our panties sos we be cool? And Eloise says, Mary Jane , I juss cant, Id be too embarrassed. So, they continue for a few more blocks, when suddenly Mary Jane stops and points to the porch of a house where an enormous black woman is sitting with her skirt hiked up to her navel, no panties on and eating a watermelon. She says, Eloise, honey, look up there on the poch of dat house. Jess look at dat. Ill bet she be cool.

And Mary Jane says, Less go axe her. So they shuffle up on to the porch of the house and Eloise says, Big Fat Mama, you sittin up here on the poch of dis house, what with yo skirt hiked up to you navel, no panties on and eating dat watermelon….. tell us… is you cool?

And the woman says, Honey child… I dont no nuffin a bouts being cool, but it sho do keeps the flies off my watermelon!

A: How did the blonde break her arm while she was raking leaves?

.
.
.
.
.
.


A: She fell out of the tree.

Los recién casados llegan a la habitación del hotel. El marido está impaciente por comenzar. La novia, tranquilamente, se sienta en la cama, se quita la peluca y la tira al armario; luego se saca la dentadura postiza y la echa al armario, a continuación, se quita un pecho y lo arroja al armario; después se desenrosca la pierna de palo que llevaba y al armario; al quitarse el brazo ortopédico le susurra al marido:

Cariño, ven.

¡¿Adónde, a la cama o al armario?!

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.

AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for

being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise

money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to

your neighbor. You feel righteous.

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the

underground and start a campaign of sabotage.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you

have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from

your government.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of

cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both,

shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce

the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the

size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon

images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years,

eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherds

pie, please.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you dont know where they are. You break for

lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows.

You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12

cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for

storing them.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American

corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim

full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.

AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: There are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an

ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become

doctors. So, who needs people?

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

A man who has no children to speak of.

Why wasnt Jesus born in Italy?

– They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin!

In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning, an angel apppeared before the statues and said, “Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire.” And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.
The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, “You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?”
The male statue looked at the female and asked, “Do you want to do it again?” Smiling, the female statue said, “Sure. But This time you hold the pigeon down and Ill shit on its head.”

Day1:
A blonde comes home from school and says to her mum,We learned how to count up to 5 today mummy. I got up to 10. Is it because Im blonde, mummy?
Mum replies: yes dear

Day 2:
We learned how to do the alphabet today mummy. The others only got up to E and I got up to S. Is it because Im blonde, mummy?
Mum replies: yes dear

Day 3:
We learned about breasts today mummy. All the other girls are flat chested and Im a 36DD. Is it because Im blonde, mummy?
Mum replies: No dear, its because your 25.