Old and New Jokes

Un día una mujer fue a comprar una cotorra y muy contenta se la llevó a su casa, luego surgió una emergencia y tuvo que ir con la cotorra a una tienda de mascotas, pero la cotorra se quedó en el carro…

En eso la cotorra encendió la radio y la primera canción fue: En la playa está, en la playa está…, la siguiente cancion fue: El año que viene, el año que vieneee…, después vino: Acompáñame, acompáñame… y la otra fue: Igual que tu, igual que tuuuuuuu.

Entonces vino un policía y se acercó a la cotorra y le dijo: ¿Dónde está tu dueño? y la cotorra, acordándose de las canciones le contestó: En la playa está, en la playa está.

¿Y cuando regresa?

El año que viene, el año que vieneeeee.

¡Ay cotorra vete pal infierno!

Acompáñame, acompáñame…

Y el policía dice: ¡Cotorra estúpida, metiche!

A lo que la cotorra le contesta: ¡Igual que tu, igual que tu!

Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton & Ernesto Zedillo (Mexican President) are in France in a restaurant.

The waiter asks le apperitif? All of them answer oui!



The waiter looks at Zedillo Le tequila? Zedillo: oui!



The waiter looks at Yeltsin Le vodka? Yeltsin: oui!



Finally, the waiter looks at Clinton Le whisky? Clinton: DONT MENTION THAT BITCH !!!

JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isnt it obvious? Cant you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. Thats why they call it: the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the other side. That chicken should not be free to cross the road. Its as plain and simple as that.



PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.



DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, Ive not been told!



ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.



MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross the road without having their motives called into question.



GRANDPA: In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.



ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.



KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.



RONALD REAGAN: What chicken?



CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.



FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?



FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.



BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken XM, which will not only cross the road but also will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.



EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?



LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.



THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, Thou shalt cross the road. And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.



COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?

A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is: Name the three best advantages of mothers milk.

The student immediately writes, One: It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby.

Two: It is inside the mothers body and therefore protected from germs and infections.

But the student cant think of the third answer. Finally, he writes, Three: It comes in such nice containers.

Ever since Lutherans stopped discriminating against gays in the church, things are a little different.

Recently, the Lutheran church service was under way and they pasted the collection plate. When the preacher saw a $100.00 bill in the collection plate, he stop the service and asked whom ever put the $100.00 bill in the plate to please stand up.

A gay man stood up and announced that the donation was his. The preacher told him, Since you put that money in the plate I would like to let you pick out three hymns. Excitedly, the gay guy looked around and started pointing, saying, Ill take him, him, and him.

A man was tired of the city life so he decided to move way out in the country where he would have all the room and privacy that he needed. His house was at least 35 miles from everything and everyone. No one ever came to visit and he never went to visit anyone. After about the sixth month at his new home, he began to get a little lonesome and wondered if hed really made the right move.

That evening while he sat in his rocking chair on his front porch, he noticed someone walking along his long, secluded driveway towards his house. He quickly approached the strange man and asked what he needed.

The stranger stated that he was a neighbor that lived just beyond the far hill and that he was having a party that night and would like to invite him. The man quickly accepted the neighbors offer and was relived to finally have some company. Before the neighbor left, he told the man, You better let me warn you about something. At this party, theres probably going to be some drinking.

The man said, well thats all right, I like to do some drinking.

The neighbor said, and theres probably going to be some fighting.

The man said, thats OK too, and like to do a little fighting.

Then the neighbor said, and after the drinking and fighting, theres probably going to be some sex.

The man said, nothing wrong with a little sex, now is there? The neighbor told the man to be there at 7:00 and started to leave when the man yelled, hey Ill bring the beer. How much do we need?

The neighbor yelled back, Oh, just a couple of six packs will do. Itll just be the two of us.

The first said, My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated.The second said, Mine is like a Porsche; fast and powerful.The third said, Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while its still going.

A bloke is driving around in his Porsche in the English countryside. He stops outside a field full of sheep, walks up to the shepherd and says, Ive got an offer. Ill guess how many sheep youve got in this field, and if I guess right, I get to take a sheep with me. If I guess wrong, you get my car.The shepherd thinks hes on to a sure thing and agrees. 137 says the driver.Damn me, youre right, says the shepherd and dutifully hands over a sheep.The man walks away, stuffs the sheep in his car and is about to drive away when the shepherd knocks on his window. Ive got a proposal for you. says the shepherd. If I can guess what you do for a living, I get to take your car. If Im wrong, you can have all my sheep.Done, says the driver.Youre a consultant, says the shepherd.Bloody hell! How did you guess?Easy. You come in here uninvited, you tell me what I already know, and then you charge me for it.

A nurse from england was on duty in the emergency department, when a punk rocker entered. This young woman had purple hair styled into a mohawk, a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was determined that the patient had acute appendicitis and was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff found that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it was a tattoo reading:Keep off the grass.

After the prep and the surgery, the surgeon added a small note to the dressing which said: Sorry, had to mow the lawn.

You might be a redneck if you pee in the pool… off the highdive!

Joke found on http://www.doorseva.com