Old and New Jokes

Its easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.

You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.

Youve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sisters honor.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Turets Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling.



Only a shilling to bury an attorney?, said the Justice, Heres a guinea, go and bury 20 of them.

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughters birthday and he hadnt bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager How much is that new Barbie in the window?

The Manager replied, Which one? We have –

Barbie goes to the gymfor $19.95 …

Barbie goes to the Ball for $19.95 …

Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 …

Barbie goes to the beach for $19.95…

Barbie goes to the Nightclub for $19.95 …

and Divorced Barbie for $375.00.

Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95? Dad asked surprised.

Simple…Divorced Barbie comes with Kens car, Kens House, Kens boat, Kens dog, Kens cat and Kens furniture.

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.

Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator! he cried out. The police were dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.

However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.

Never mind, he said with a hiccup, I got in the back seat by mistake!

what is the difference between a paycheque and a penis?

you dont have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!

In my university bookshop the other day, inquiring about the availability
of a book for my research, I told the lady behind the counter that I had
all the details of the book, and asked if she wanted the Title, Author list,
Publisher, or what ?

The ISBN number is all I need. Its the world standard ! With the ISBN
number, I can locate the book on the computer and order it for you

I handed over the sheet of paper with the details and pointed to the ISBN
number.

Oh, damn, youve got the American ISBN number, and we need the European ISBN
number.

Two local men were seriously injured when their pick-up truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County Deputy Davey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.

Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock, are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Center.

The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Pooles pick-up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column.. Upon inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded east-bound toward the White River Bridge.

After traveling approximately 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply to the right, leaving the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound. Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released.

Thank God we werent on that bridge when Thurston shot his nuts off, or we might have been dead stated Wallis.

Ive been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I cant believe that those two would admit how the accident happened, said Deputy Snyder.

Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Pooles wife, asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.

Im glad Im a woman, yes I am, yes I am I dont live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam I dont brag to my buddies about my erections I wont drive to Hell before I ask for directions I dont get wasted at parties and act like a clown and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!

I wont grab your hooters, I wont pinch your butt my belt buckles not hidden beneath my beer gut and I dont go around readjusting my crotch or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch I dont belch in public, I dont scratch my behind

Im a woman you see — Im just not that kind! Im glad Im a woman, Im so glad I could sing I dont have body hair like shag carpeting It doesnt grow from my ears or cover my back When I lean over you cant see 3 inches of crack

And whats on my head doesnt leave with my comb Ill never buy a toupee to cover my dome Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

Im a woman, you know — Ive got far too much pride! And I honestly think its a privilege for me to have these two boobs and squat when I pee I dont live to play golf and shoot basketball I dont swagger and spit like a Neanderthal I wont tell you my wife just does not understand stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, Im glad Im a woman, a woman you see you can forget all about that old penis envy I dont long for male bonding, I dont cruise for chicks join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick Im a woman by chance and Im thankful its true Im so glad Im a woman and not a man like you!

WASHINGTON, D.C.–The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular
Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are
becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without
question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows
up in their InBox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it
is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of
silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, E-Mail viruses, taxes on
modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.

These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery
tickets based on fortune cookie numbers, a spokesman said. Most are
otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told
to them by a stranger on a street corner. However, once these same
people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe
anything they read on the Internet.

My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone, reported
one weeping victim. I believe every warning message and sick child
story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are
anonymous.

Another victim, now in remission, added, When I first heard about
Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there
were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the
virus must be true. It was a long time, the victim said, before she
could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, My
name is Jane, and Ive been hoaxed. Now, however, she is spreading
the word. Challenge and check whatever you read, she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the
virus, which include the following:

the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking

the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others

a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if
a story is true

T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one
reporter, I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all
shampoos makes your hair fall out, so Ive stopped using shampoo.
When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop
reading e-mail, so that he would not become infected.

Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.
Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet
users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item
tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and
tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet
community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is
online help from many sources, including

Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory
Capability at http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html

Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at
http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html

McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at
http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html

Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at
http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html

The Urban Legends Web Site at http://www.urbanlegends.com

Urban Legends Reference Pages at http://www.snopes.com

Datafellows Hoax Warnings at
http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm

Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate
themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good
material on evaluating sources, such as

Evaluating Internet Research Sources at
http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm

Evaluation of Information Sources at
http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm

Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at
http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the
Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who
forwards them a hoax.

Forward this message to all your friends right away! Dont think
about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Dont
check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it!
This story is so important, were using lots of exclamation points!!!
For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person,
the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to
itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding
these messages all over creation, youre obviously thinking too
much.)