THINGS YOULL NEVER HEAR AN EMPLOYEE TELL HIS/HER BOSS
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 5:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.
2. If its really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how its going. That greatly aids my efficiency.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where youre going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
A guy goes in a bar and gets really drunk and starts to walk home. Every 2 steps he falls.
So he is 2 steps away from his doorway and he falls in. Then he tries to walk up the stairs quietly and get in bed.
In the morning his wife gets up before him and says Were you drinking lastnight?
He asks, how did you know?
She says you left your wheelchair at the bar
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Your job is interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alchohol stream.
Your career wont progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
You sincerely believe alchohol is the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case – coincidence? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… – now THATS a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor…
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner! Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you. At AA meetings you begin: Hi my name is… uh… Your idea of cutting back is less salt. You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. The whole bar says Hi when you come in… You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alchohol, and [Women or Men]. Every night youre beginning to find your roommates cat more and more attractive. Roseanne looks good. Dont recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass. That damned pink elephant followed me home again. Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you. Im as sober as a judge. The shrubberys drunk from too frequent watering. You wake up screaming TORO TORO TORO! in the middle of the night.
Selecting a Programming Language Made Easy
Daniel Solomon & David Rosenblueth
Department of Computer Science, University of Waterloo
Waterloo, Ontario, Canada N2L 3G1
With such a large selection of programming languages it can be
difficult to choose one for a particular project. Reading the manuals to
evaluate the languages is a time consuming process. On the other hand,
most people already have a fairly good idea of how various automobiles
compare. So in order to assist those trying to choose a language, we
have prepared a chart that matches programming languages with comparable
automobiles.
Assembler
A Formula I race car. Very fast, but difficult to drive and
expensive to maintain.
FORTRAN II
A Model T Ford. Once it was king of the road.
FORTRAN IV
A Model A Ford.
FORTRAN 77
A six-cylinder Ford Fairlane with standard transmission and
no seat belts.
COBOL
A delivery van. Its bulky and ugly, but it does the work.
BASIC
A second-hand Rambler with a rebuilt engine and patched
upholstry. Your dad bought it for you to learn to drive.
Youll ditch the car as soon as you can afford a new one.
PL/I
A Cadillac convertible with automatic transmission, a two-
tone paint job, white-wall tires, chrome exhaust pipes, and
fuzzy dice hanging in the windshield
C
A black Firebird, the all-macho car. Comes with optional
seat belts (lint) and optional fuzz buster (escape to
assembler).
ALGOL 60
An Austin Mini. Boy, thats a small car.
Pascal
A Volkswagon Beetle. Its small but sturdy. Was once
popular with intellectuals.
Modula II
A Volkswagon Rabbit with a trailer hitch.
ALGOL 68
An Astin Martin. An impressive car, but not just anyone
can drive it.
LISP
An electric car. Its simple but slow. Seat belts are not
available.
PROLOG/LUCID
Prototype concept-cars.
Maple/MACSYMA
All-terrain vehicles.
FORTH
A go-cart.
LOGO
A kiddies replica of a Rolls Royce. Comes with a real
engine and a working horn.
APL
A double-decker bus. Its takes rows and columns of
passengers to the same place all at the same time. But, it
drives only in reverse gear, and is instrumented in Greek.
Ada
An army-green Mercedes-Benz staff car. Power steering,
power brakes and automatic transmission are all standard.
No other colors or options are available. If its good
enough for the generals, its good enough for you.
Manufacturing delays due to difficulties reading the
design specification are starting to clear up.
A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, What are the grounds for your divorce?
She replied, About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.
No, he said, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It is made of concrete, brick and mortar, she responded.
I mean, he continued, What are your relations like?
I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husbands parents.
He said, Do you have a real grudge?
No, she replied, We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.
Please, he tried again, is there any infidelity in your marriage?
Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We dont necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is yes.
Maam, does your husband ever beat you up?
Yes, she responded, about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, Lady, why do you want a divorce?
Oh, I dont want a divorce, she replied. Ive never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he cant communicate with me.
Hard Drive: Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and a trailer load of fertiliser.
Keyboard: Place to hang your truck keys.
Window: Place in your truck to hang your guns
Modem: How you got rid of your dandelions
Reboot: What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff
Mouse: Soft, fuzzy thing that you stuff in your beer bottle to get a free case
LAN: To borrow, as in, Hey Dilbert! LAN me your truck!
Cursor: What some guys do when they get mad at their woman
Sign seen at local day care center: Two-year-old teacher needed.
Its unfair to compare Bill Clinton to Jane Fonda. At least Jane Fonda went to Vietnam.
If they combined country with rap, would they call it crap?
My wife says we cannot afford Viagra, but she spends $50 a month for a perm.
My daughter asked, Why do they call it rush hour when no one seems to be rushing and it takes more than an hour?
Were lost, I told my wife, but at least were making good time.
If we impeached every politician who lied to the American public, Washington, D.C., would be a ghost town.
The biggest news story of the year is the dumbing down of America, but America is too dumb to know it.
Quit your whining about the current Iraqi problems and policy. It was all created by OUR Republican Guard. They didnt finish the job. No more, no less.
My Internet addiction has cured by soap opera addiction.
Thanks to Bob Livingston and his fellow, soon to be outed, Republicans, I can finally say I bought Larry Flynts magazine for the articles.
Larry Flynt gives people money to tell about their sex lives. Ken Starr threatens to put people in jail if they wont tell him about their sex lives. They have both published pornography. Now, which one is the bad guy?
I spoke with Eric Rudolph, and he told me he has no ideas where the FBI is hiding.
Senators are already stating how they are going to vote on the impeachment trial. Some trial.
When we mail fruitcake, we leave off the return address.
To my husbands ex-mistress: Why are you SO shocked to learn that the same man who has been lying to me for over two years has also been lying to you?
Mike Luckovich should stop portraying Bob Barr as the village idiot. Its not socially acceptable, nor fair to the village idiot.
Being late for work doesnt give you the right to put other motorists at rish with your reckless driving. Try leaving home earlier!
Source: http://www.accessatlanta.com/news/thevent
A big game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him, and he would recognize any animals skin from its feel. And if he could locate the bullet hole. he would even tell them what caliber rifle was used to shoot it. This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument was going on. Then the hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, Spring Buck. Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, Shot with a .22 rifle. The others could not believe it. He was right, and the argument was even hotter than before. When some started to suggest that he must have peeked, he said that he was prepared to do it again. He would put up all the drinks they had bought before against them buying another round for him.
So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in their car. He took a bit longer this time and then said, Kalahari Lion and fingering the bullet hole said, and the rifle was a .308, which of course was right. This, of course, was like throwing fat on the fire, and he had to prove is skills over and over again, every time against a round of drinks.
Finally he staggered home, stoned out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one heck of a shiner. So he said to his wife, Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I did not fight anyone in that bar. So where did I get this black eye? His wife replied angrily, From me, of course.
But what did I do? he asked. She replied, You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced in a triumphant tone, Skunk, killed with an axe.
When God created the earth, Adam & Eve, he found he had two baubles left over. He came to Adam & Eve & said, I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up.
Adam got very excited: Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If Im out in the fields, I can just go right there.
So Eve smiled & said, Okay, it sounds like he really wants that.
As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiousity, What was the other gift?
Oh, God said, looking, Multiple orgasms.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the hotel manager came out of his office and asked them to disperse. But why?, they asked, as they moved off.
Because, he said, I cant stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.