Old and New Jokes

One afternoon, a lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

Why are you eating grass?

, he asked one man.

We dont have any money for food.

, The poor man replied.

Oh, come along with me then.

But sir, I have a wife with two children! Bring them along! And you, come with us too!, he said to the other man.

But sir, I have a wife with six children! the second man answered.

Bring them as well! They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.

The lawyer replied No, you dont understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!

Drunken Billy was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client.

Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, concluded the lawyer, youve looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believe that if my client had a quart of whiskey he would sell it?

He was acquitted.

Q: Whats the definition of an Impotent Loser?

A: A guy who cant even get his hopes up.

I dont understand these complaints about the postal service. Time was,
you could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would
arrive at its destination in two days. Now you put a twenty-five-cent
stamp on a letter and it can take three to four weeks to arrive.

Still only a penny a day!

(From the letter column in Harpers Magazine, in response to an article
about the US Post Office.)

[Ed: You think you have it bad. In Canada, were
paying 39 cents for penny/day service.]

Why didnt Helen Keller ever change her baby?

She could find it!

A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.

How do you get four gay guys to sit at one stool?

Turn it upside down!

Want to hear three blonde jokes? Listen to Hanson!

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy is wearing a fire fighters helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

That sure is a nice fire truck, the fire fighter says with admiration.

Thanks mister,the boy says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dogs collar and to the cats testicles.

Little partner, the fire fighter says, I dont want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cats collar, I think you could go faster.

The little boy says, Youre probably right, mister, but then I wouldnt have a siren.

An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer.
Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.