I couldnt repair my brakes, so I made the horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Safeway has made a $1.7 billion offer for Vons markets. Says Bob Mills,
The amount of the bid became public after a checkout clerk was overheard
yelling Price check on the company!
He adds, the original offer was $2 billion, but then Safeway pulled out
a huge stack of double-value coupons.
Q.what do you call 32 rednecks in one room?
A.full set of teeth
A group of Arab Terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention.
More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?
The toilet seat is up and the hubbys sex interest is down.
The following is an excerpt of an article in the April issue of Saturday Night magazine by John Fraser the (now) former editor.
For those who dont know, the province of Ontario has set in place a policy of zero tolerance for harassment and discrimination at universities. This excerpt really pokes fun at the potential misuse and abuse of such a policy.
Dear H & D officer,
I am a female graduate student with an alternative lifestyle. Our history department has invited an international scholar named Simon Schama to lecture here next month. The title of his talk is Dykes and Discord: The role of land reclamation in 17th century Dutch domestic policy. Posters have been plastered all over our campus, causing snickering, and I have been made to feel uneasy. Does the FRAMEWORK have any remedy?
You bet it does! There is zero tolerance for anything that makes you feel a loss of self-esteem, and the FRAMEWORK clearly states the visitors on campus should be subject to complaints if they engage in prohibited conduct.
Depending on how your academic administration chooses to police the FRAMEWORKS guidelines, you have a range of options – from demanding prior access to the visitors lecture to cancellation of the lecture itself and having the visitor barred from campus.
As for posters, they clearly come under the grounds of poisoning the work or study environment, and the FRAMEWORK is very specific about this : A complainant, it says, does not [even] have to be a direct target to be adversely affected by a negative environment. It includes conduct or comment that creates and maintains an offensive, hostile, or intimidating climate for study or work.
If Im not mistaken the quotations are direct quotes from the zero tolerance policy.
Laugh, its OK … for now (insert dramatic military music here)
Ahhh Women…
( unknown author )
Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess
I have two mounds upon my bodice
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee
I can justify any shopping spree
Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass
I always save money by using coupons
Can admit to others when I am wrong
Dont drive in circles at any cost
So I dont have to admit when I am lost
Dont act like Im in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john
Let me tell you men
Listen to me boys
Those things in your pants
That you treat as toys
You love them more then we ever will
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill
I spend two hours preparing for a date
Only to find youre two hours late
I dont watch movies with lots of gore
Dont need instant replay to remember the score
I wont lose my hair
I dont get jock itch
And just cause Im assertive
Dont call me a bitch
I dont wear the same underwear everyday
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay
I dont go to Sears
To look at the tools
I dont cheat at poker
I follow the rules
I dont smoke cigars
Dont pay for drinks at bars
I dont punch my friends just to say Hi
And its O.K. for me to cry
I know all you men
Think that youre IT
But compared to a woman
You just aint shit!
Why are complaints of married people like the noise of the waves on the shore?
Because they are murmurs of the tied.
Anchorage, Alaska, requested an exemption from an Environmental Protection Agency rule requiring cities to remove at least 30 percent of organic waste from incoming sewage before treating it. Officials pointed out that the city had so little organic waste to begin with that its sewage before treatment than most cities sewage after treatment. The EPA, nevertheless, insisted that the city comply with the rule, forcing it to have to pay fish processors to dump unused fish parts into city sewers so there would be enough organic waste to remove.
1. The Enterprise encounters a mysterious energy field, and theyve seen it many times before.
2. The Enterprise successfully ferries an alien VIP from one place to another without incident.
3. The Enterprise visits a remote outpost of scientists and they are all OK.
4. Picard, Riker, and Data visit the Holodeck and it works perfectly.
5. Captain Picard has to make a difficult decision about a less advanced people, but the Prime Directive makes it easy.
6. A power surge on the bridge is correctly diagnosed as a faulty capacitor by a well-trained engineering staff using common diagnostic equipment.
7. The officers of the Enterprise encounter a new lifeform, which later turns out to be a common, well-known lifeform who was wearing a funny mask as a joke.
8. A major emergency happens near the Enterprise, but fortunately some other ships in the area are able to deal with it.
9. The Enterprise kicks in warp speed and hits a large planet coming from the right that they didnt see in time.
10. The crew if the Enterprise is struck by a mysterious illness, but the cure is found in the well-stocked sickbay storeroom.
11. Geordie looks at something through his electronic eye band and realizes he hasnt the faintest idea what he is looking at.
12. While being attacked by Romulans, Picard orders warp speed and the Enterprise stalls and wont start up without a call to AAA.
13. Data is passed over for promotion because he cannot understand the most basic nuances of what people are saying to him.
14. Wesley Crusher gets beat up by his classmates for being a geek and he has to start making friends his own age for a change.
15. Counselor Troi makes an analysis that states something other than that which is blindingly obvious.
16. A mysterious being composed of pure energy tries to enter the Enterprises computer but finds out it didnt bring the right plugs along.
17. Riker falls in love with a woman on a planet he visi