Old and New Jokes

A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:

I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?

The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:

Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold.

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:

You wouldnt believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden.

The prisoner wrote another letter:

Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!

En un pueblo se construía una carretera y uno de los lugareños se sentaba largas horas para ver como se realizaba la obra cuando…

Hola, soy George Frank Steven, el ingeniero que hizo los estudios y encargado de la obra y la maquinaria.

Hola, yo soy Federico Díaz; soy del pueblo vecino.

Veo que nunca habías visto como se hace una carretera moderna, dime, ¿cómo hacen las carreteras en tu pueblo?

Bueno, en mi pueblo cuando queremos hacer una carretera de un pueblo a otro, soltamos un burro viejo y el animal escoge el camino más corto y más seguro y por ese camino hacemos la carretera.

¿Y qué pasa si no tienen un burro?

¡Llamamos a un ingeniero!

Estaban trabajando un grupo bastante grande de ilegales en un campo en los Estados Unidos, cuando de pronto llegó la migra con dos camiones para llevarse a los pobres ilegales, y pues que se echan a correr todos para esconderse, menos uno, que al contrario de todos, salió corriendo pero hacia los camiones de la migra, llegó a uno, se subió y se sentó rápido. El oficial de migración que manejaba el camión, todo sacado de onda por lo que veía le preguntó:

¿Por qué tu no corriste como tus demás compañeros a esconderte?

Y el ilegal todo cansado por la corrida que pegó le contesta:

Pues la verdad es que ustedes ya me han agarrado cinco veces y las cinco pinches veces me he ido parado hasta Tijuana…

These came from the mouths of geeks

and nerds, and all with a nerdy laugh at



the end:



its not earth to eric–its mars to eric!!!



i dont want you to be screwed, i want you



to be nailed!!!



your mama is so stupid she made the



anti-deans list!!!

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this
creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into
the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is
not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole
individual for an offense committed by his limb. Well
put, the judge replied. Using your logic, I sentence the
defendants arm to one years imprisonment. He can accompany
it or not, as he chooses. The defendant smiled. With his
lawyers assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it
on the bench, and walked out.

A policeman pulled a blonde over after shed been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.

Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad, cause all the people were leaving!

Three oriental girls are in the temple.

The first one is chanting, Oh great Buddha, send me a man with a dragon on his chest!

The second one is chanting, Oh great Buddha, send me a man with two dragons on his chest!

The third on is chanting, Oh great Buddha, send me a man with his dragn on the ground!

I love to go to the dentist. A man in white hovering over me while Im trapped helpless in a chair. He cleans me. He flosses me. His instruments alive in my mouth.

And just when I dont think I can take it anymore, he says, Good girl, Marcie, you can spit now. – Marcie, from the Married With Children sitcom.

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
brings up the subject of sex.
Just how do you guys do it? asks Maureen. Pretty much the way
you do, responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. Hes got only a teeny,
weeny member – about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
I dont think this is going to work, says Maureen.
Why? he asks, Whats the matter?
Well, she replies, Its just not long enough to reach me!
No problem, he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
its quite impressively long.
Well, she says, Thats quite impressive, but its still pretty
narrow…. No problem, he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
Wow! she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks Well, was it any good?
I hate to say it, says Maureen, but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?
It was horrible, he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears.

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
3. Youve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel makes your list of Most Admired People.
6. You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
7. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
8. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying,Hey, yall watch this
9. Youve got more than one brother named Darryl.
10. You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
11. Your wifes hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
12. You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
13. Your Junior/Senior Prom had Daycare.
14. You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, Gentlemen, start your engines.
15. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
16. You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
17. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
18. You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.
19. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
20. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
21. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
22. You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
23. Ya cant get married to yer sweetheart cause theres a law against it.
24. You dated one of your parents current spouses in high school.
25. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
26. Your school fight song is Dueling Banjos.
27. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.