Old and New Jokes

Q: Why is Bill infuriated with Chelseas new private school?
A: They broke family tradition by making her wear a uniform.

Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: 15 – One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other sides back four to all stand around and put their hands up.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the womans face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldnt graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the womans new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.

She said, Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.

My darling, he replied, think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

10) He does not have a beer gut; he has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

9) He is not quiet; he is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST.



He does not get lost all the time; he DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.



7) He is not balding; he is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.



6) He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.



5) He is not short; he is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT.



4) He does not constantly talk about cars; he has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION.



3) He does not eat like a pig; he suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA.



2) He is not a bad dancer with no rhythm; he is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.



1) He is not afraid of commitment; he is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

There were these 3 guys and they were out walking in the woods, and had no idea where they were. All of a sudden it started pouring with rain. They were stumped if they knew what to do, so they found a hotel and asked if they could have 3 rooms. The concierge said that theyve got 1 room with 1 bed left, so they said OK.



The next morning they woke up and the guy on the left said I dreamed someone was pulling my dick last night. and the guy on the right said Me too and the guy in the middle said I dunno, i dreamed i wasa skiing!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

62. Call safety and security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in
a chair on his porch. I couldnt help noticing
how happy you look, she said. Whats your secret
for a long happy life?I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, he said.
I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty
foods, and never exercise.Thats amazing, the woman said. How old are you?Twenty-six! he said.

The US Standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. Thats an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because thats the way they built them in England, and the US railroads were built by English expatriates. Why did the English people build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and thats the gauge they used.

Why did they use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing. Okay! Why did the wagons use that odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing the wagons would break on some of the old, long distance roads, because thats the spacing of the old wheel ruts.

So who built these old rutted roads? The first long distance roads in Europe were built by Imperial Rome for the benefit of their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts? The initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagons, were first made by Roman war chariots. Since the chariots were made for or by Imperial Rome they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

Thus, we have the answer to the original questions. The United State standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches derives from the original specification for an Imperial Roman army war chariot.

Specs and Bureaucracies live forever. So, the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horses ass came up with it, you may be exactly right. Because the Imperial Roman chariots were made to be just wide enough to accommodate the back-ends of two war horses.

A French guest, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.

Black pepper, or white pepper? asked the concierge.

Toilette pepper!

A blondes house is on fire. She calls 911 and says, My house is on

fire. The dispatcher says, Well, can you tell me how we get there?

Duhhhh, in the big red trucks, of course.