Old and New Jokes

Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hens eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishmans garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

In my family, the Scotsman said, we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I knock you down and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me down and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could and knocked him over. The Englishman fell to the floor and howled in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, Now its my turn to kick you.

The Scotsman said, No. You can keep the egg!

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?



The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, Ehhhh .. 22!



The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. And can you tell us your height, please?



The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, Five foot two!



This isnt looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?



The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, Mandy!



The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?



Ohh that!, replies the blonde, Thats just me running through Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you….

THE Y1K CRISIS



Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.



An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called Y1K Bug, a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of. Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.



Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables.



All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.



We should have seen it coming , says Brother Cedric of St. Michael Abbey, here in Canterbury. What worries me most is that THOUSAND contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse — The Latin word for Thousand is Mile which is the same as the Latin for mile. We wont know whether we are talking about time or distance!



Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos.



A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival.

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.” So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.” The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what Ive got.” The bartender says, “Whatve you got?” The guy says, “75 cents.”

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians…

Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.

No moth, no Jodie Foster — just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.

Only 3 hits this month on the World O Coffins web site.

Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.

Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants… WHAMMO!

Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of the willies.

Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.

Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.

Toe tag paper cuts.

The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.

Nobody visits your booth at junior high Career Days.

Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.

At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.

Constant complaints of, But he looks like Michael Jackson!

and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians…

Dying in each others arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

Element Name: WOMAN

Symbol: WO

Atomic Weight: (dont even go there!)

Physical properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties: Very active. Often unstable. Possesses strong affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says Hey, how bout it? You and me, gettin it on. Ive got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money. She stands up and says, What makes you think I charge by the inch?

there is 3 guys one was a american jewish the others was israeli and the other was rabbi so they are heaven and they go to a place were they could meet girls so the guy who runs the place tells them i want you to go one at a time and dont touch the goose or trip over the goose so the american jewish gos in and comes back with an ugly girl and the other two ask him what happend and the guy replys i touched the goose


then the rabbi gos in and comes back with an ugly girl and they asked him the same question and he answers i triped over the goose. So the israelin gos in and he comes out with a hot chick and the other two ask him what happend but before he could answer the girl answers i touched the goose

There was this guy who was sick so he went to the doctor. The doc ran

some

tests and sent him home with some medicine. The next day the doctor

called

and the wife answered.

Im going to have to run a few more tests, the doctor said Im going

to

need a semen, urine and a fecal sample.

After she hung up the husband asked, What did the doctor say?

Oh the doctor is going to need a pair of your underwear.