One juror overheard saying to another. . .
Youll notice that neither the prosecutor nor defense attorney swore to tell the truth!
12
Sep
12
Sep
Un hombre estaba sentado en un bar y observaba cómo un individuo sostenÃa una conversación con su mano derecha.
Intrigado se le acercó y le dijo: Perdone, pero he visto que usted lleva bastante rato hablando solo. ¿Le pasa algo malo?
Lo que pasa es que estoy estrenando un implante electrónico que me pusieron en la cabeza. Tengo un celular en mi mano, una computadora con televisión en mis ojos y otros adelantos de la era. Deme el teléfono de su casa por favor.
El hombre se lo dio y de pronto escuchó de la mano del individuo la voz de su mujer. Eso lo dejó sorprendido. La saluda y después le dice al sujeto:
Oiga eso está buenÃsimo ¿cómo puedo conseguir algo asÃ?
Muy fácil, déjeme ir a orinal y de regreso le doy los pormenores.
Pasaron quince, veinte, treinta minutos y decidió ir a buscarlo al baño. Se llevó tremendo susto al encontrarlo con ambas manos contra la pared, con los pantaloncillos abajo y con un rollo de papel higiénico entre las nalgas.
Le pregunta asustado:
¿Quién lo asalto, por qué no pidió ayuda? ¿Quiere que llame a la policÃa?
El individuo se volteó y le contestó:
Cállese, !no ve que estoy recibiendo un fax!
12
Sep
Don Pepe se estaba bañando, cuando, de pronto, Pepito irrumpe. Pudoroso, el hombre se cubre la entrepierna.
¿Qué tienes entre las piernas, papá?
Nada, hijo, le responde tapando sus genitales con ambas manos.
Papá, ¿qué tienes entre las piernas?, insiste el pequeño.
Un ratoncito, contesta con sonrojo el padre, pensando que su hijo es muy pequeño para explicarle ciertas cosas.
¡Te lo quieres coger! ¿Verdad, papá?
12
Sep
Modern-time maxims for the Internet age
Home is where you hang your @
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he wont bother you for weeks.
The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
You cant teach a new mouse old clicks.
Great groups from little icons grow.
Speak softly and carry a cell phone.
C: is the root of all directories.
Dont put all your hypes in one homepage.
Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
The modem is the message
Too many clicks spoil the browse.
The geek shall inherit the earth.
A chat has nine lives.
Dont byte off more than you can view.
Fax is stranger than fiction.
What boots up must come down.
Virtual reality is its own reward.
Modulation in all things.
A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
Theres no place like http://www.home.com
Know what to expect before you connect.
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice.
Speed thrills.
12
Sep
Q. How can you tell the ocean is friendly?
A. Because it waves.
12
Sep
Slogans for womens T-shirts:
• Im out of estrogen – I have a gun.
• Guys have feelings too. But like… who cares?
• I dont believe in miracles. I rely on them.
• Next mood swing: six minutes.
• And your point is?
• I used to be schizophrenic, but were OK now.
• Im busy. Youre ugly. Have a nice day.
• Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.
• Of course I dont look busy… I did it right the first time.
• Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?
• Im multi-talented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time.
• Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.
• You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP
• All stressed out and no one to choke.
• Im one of those bad things that happen to good people.
• How can I miss you if you wont go away?
• Sorry if I looked interested. Im not.
• Objects under this shirt are larger than they appear.
12
Sep
An applicant was filling out a job application. When he came to the question, Have you ever been arrested? he wrote, No.
The next question, intended for people who had answered in the affirmative to the previous question, was Why?
The applicant answered it anyway: Never got caught.
12
Sep
Sunday night:
Mystery, She Wrote:
Cabot Cove is engulfed by a wave of anonymous charitable gifts. The mayor asks Jessica to investigate so the donors can be honored in a public ceremony. Ratings: S/MU, ALG.
[See ratings at the end of this listing.]
The Sunday Night Movie: Blowing Up in Beverly Hills:
A made-for-TV movie based on an actual event. After two troubled siblings (real-life brothers Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen) contemplate murdering their wealthy but insensitive parents, they decide instead to go to court. While attending mandatory therapy, the family explores and heals deep-seated conflicts. Inspired by the trial of Lyle and Erik Menendez. Dr. Goodfellow: Alan Alda. First of two parts. Ratings: S/MU, VATCOT, RPSE.
Married… Happily with Children:
After Jefferson and Marcys house is repossessed by a greedy banker, Al contacts Habitat for Humanity. Special appearance by Jimmy and Rosalyn Carter. Ratings: S/MU, ISS.
Ratings key:
- S/MU: spiritual or moral uplift
- ISS: implied safe sex
- WW: win-win solution to intractable social disease or problem
- ALG: ameliorated liberal guilt
- VATCOT: violence avoided through court-ordered therapy
- PCMM: potentially contradictory moral message
- RPSE: reinforcement of positive self-esteem.
From the April 1994 issue of *Reason* magazine.
Copyright 1994 by the Reason Foundation, 3415 S.Sepulveda Blvd., Suite 400, Los Angeles,CA 90034.
12
Sep
An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.Well, now, says the old lady, I guess I would like to be really rich. *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.And, gee, I guess I wouldnt mind being a young, beautiful princess. *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.Your third wish? asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old womans cat wanders across the porch in front of them. Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince? she asks. *** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, Bet youre sorry you had me neutered.
12
Sep
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Anything on the ground is a cat toy. Anything not there yet, will be.
At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you.
Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it for ever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.
Cats motto: No matter what youve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.
Cat rule #2: Bite the hand that wont feed you fast enough.
Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.
Cats are smarter than dogs. You cant get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.
Cats arent clean, theyre just covered with cat spit.
Cats dont hunt seals. They would if they knew what they were and where to find them. But they dont, so thats all right.
Cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.
Cats know what we feel. They dont care, but they know.
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.
Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.
I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic.
I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.
In a cats eye, all things belong to cats.
On the Internet, nobody knows youre a cat.
One cat just leads to another.
People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.
There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.
When I wash the cat, it takes me hours to get the hair off my tongue.
You can always tell a cat, but you cant tell him much.