Old and New Jokes

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink? The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening? The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rats music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. Sorry, the man replies, hes not for sale. The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. No, he insists, hes not for sale. The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

Are you insane? the bartender demanded. That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000! Dont worry about it. the man answered. The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rats a ventriloquist.

Yo mama so tall she did a cartwheel and hit Jesus.

Why did a group of Columbians run away from a computer lab.

Because the computer said you have performed an illegal operation and will be shutdown.

Whats the usual tip? a man growled when the college boy delivered his pizza.

Well, the student replied, this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, Id be doing great.

That so? grunted the man. In that case, heres five dollars.

Thanks, the student said, Ill put it in my college fund.

By the way, what are you studying?

Applied psychology.

This blond goes in to a salon to get her hair cut. Shes wearing a pair of headphones, and the stylist says that he cant cut her hair with the headphones on.

She replies No, you have to cut around the headphones, I cant take them off.

They argue about this for a few minutes, he finally agrees to cut her hair around the headphones, but he will have to charge her extra. She says, Thats ok, go ahead and cut it.

So he cuts her hair, and although it looks strange because of the headphones, shes happy with it. So a few weeks later she comes in again.

Again she wants her hair cut around the headphones. He says, No way, not
this time, this time Im taking the headphones off.

So he takes off the headphones and throws them on the floor. He starts cutting her hair, and a few minutes later, she falls out of the chair to the floor, dead.

He wonders what in the world is happening, so he picks up the headphones and puts them on.

He hears breathe in… breathe out… breathe in… breathe out…

*** Signs that you just might have a drinking problem. ***

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

Your job is interfering with your drinking.

Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.

Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?? I think not!

Two hands and just one mouth … now THATS a drinking problem!

The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.

Every woman you see has an exact twin.

You fall off the floor.

Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger — forget dinner!

The glass keeps missing your mouth.

Bill Clinton starts to make sense.

Mosquitoes catch a buzz* after biting you.

The whole bar says Hi when you come in.

Hi ocifer. Im not under the affluence of incohol.

You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

BeerTender! Get me another Bar!

Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when you cant drink and drive?

Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there floatation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If youre in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why cant they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

RODNEY DANGERFIELDS BEST ONE-LINERS

I was so poor growing up…If I wasnt born a boy..Id have nothing to play with.

A girl phoned me the other day and said ….Come on over, theres nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

If it werent for pickpockets, Id have no sex life at all.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work … I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, Hey buddy, why are you doing that?

He said, Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.

Im afraid to go to the bathroom.

I was such an ugly kid…When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I was such an ugly baby…My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

Im so ugly…My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I was born …. the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, Im very sorry. We did everything we could… But he pulled through.

Im so ugly … My mother had morning sickness – after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost….. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him …. Do you think well ever find them?

He said, I dont know kid … there are so many places they can hide.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Im so ugly…I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big Id get.

I went to see my doctor Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror… I feel like throwing up. Whats wrong with me? he said…I dont know but your eyesight is perfect.

I went to the doctor because Id swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

if someone is wearing a piece of jewlery, you sayHEY, THATS NICE, …I WAS GONNA GET THAT , BUT THE MACHINE ATE MY QUARTER