Old and New Jokes

When the waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the Englishman was a bit dismayed. Good heavens, he said, what is this?

Why, its bean soup, she replied.

I dont care what it has been, he sputtered. What is it now?

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share the experience. This joke was once overheard being told by a lecturer to a class of students during a lecture, in order to make a point about the fact that only one student was doing any work at the terminal while a whole bunch had crowded round to watch – sharing the experience of him doing the work.

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step in the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap in his hands and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like hes a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls his dick.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap. Oh look, says the second nun, a soap dispenser.

To test her theory she also pulls his dick… and sure enough he drops the last bar of soap.

The third nun then pulls, first once, then twice and three times.

Still nothing happens. So she tries once more and to her delight she yells, Look, hand cream!

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Top 10 Benefits of a White House Internship

First-hand knowledge of domestic affairs

Pay is lousy, but the hush money is great

Gives new meaning to MTV slogan Rock the Vote

Observe the Presidents commitment to young people
first hand

Learn intricacies of statutory rape law

Have President chase around desk brandishing his
subpoena

President tells you he really wants you on his staff

Try out JFKs legendary rocking chair

Have President introduce you to his special
investigator

Find out what a politician means when he says hes
been polling his constituents

I saw this used on another list – of course it would be inappropriate to actually use it here but enjoy it all the same.

-Mark

Dear

sir

clueless one

twit

great man on campus

madam

dweeb

twerp

comrade

Elvis

moon beam

boor

Obergruppenfuehrer

citoyen

Geek

grad student

cur

You are being gently flamed because.

you continued a boring useless stupid thread

you repeatedly posted to the same thread that you just posted to

you repeatedly initiated incoherent, flaky, and mindless threads

you posted a piece riddled with profanities

you advocated Net censorship

you SCREAMED! (used all caps)

you posted some sort of crap that doesnt belong in this group

you posted the inanely stupid Make Money Fast article

you threatened others with physical harm

you made a bigoted statement(s)

you repeatedly assumed unwarranted moral or intellectual superiority

you are under the misapprehension that this group is your preserve

you repeatedly shown lack of humor

you are apparently under compulsion to post to every threat

you are posting an anonymous attack

Thank you for the time you have taken to read this. Live n Learn.

You can tell its going to be a rotten day when:

• You wake up face down on the pavement.

• You put your bra on backward and it fits better.

• You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.

• You see a 60 Minutes news team waiting in your office.

• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

• You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there arent any.

• You turn on the TV and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

• Your twin sister forgot your birthday.

• Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels on the freeway.

• Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your hat.

• The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

• You wake up and your braces are locked together.

• You walk to work and find your dress is stuck to the back of your pantyhose.

• You call your answering service and they tell you its none of your business.

• Your blind date turns out to be your ex.

• You put both contact lenses in the same eye.

• Your pet rock snaps at you.

• Your wife says, Good morning, Bill, and your name is George.

Theres a new book out called The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said, by Ross and Kathryn Petras; Doubleday ($8.99).

Some highlights:

I want to gain 1,500 or 2,000 yards, whichever comes first.

– George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back.

I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change.

– Vice President Dan Quayle

I must have had ambrosia.

– Milwaukee Brewers Jim Gantner, explaining why he forgot to appear on a talk show.

Were finally going to wrassle to the ground this giant orgasm that is just out of control.

– Arizona Sen. Dennis DeConcini, on a balanced-budget amendment.

You got to be careful if you dont know where youre going, because you might not get there.

– Yogi Berra

Things are more like they are now than they have ever been.

– President Gerald Ford

Smoking kills. If youre killed, youve lost a very important part of your life.

– Brooke Shields

Youve got to take the bull by the teeth.

– Movie mogul Sam Goldwyn

How do you stop a blonde tank? Shoot the people pushing it!

New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and
body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by
artificial means. Under no circumstances should my
fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who
couldnt pass ninth-grade biology if their lives
depended on it.If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to
sit up and ask for:(please initial all that apply)_________a martini,_________chocolate,_________a beer,_________a steak,________ the remote control,________ a bowl of ice cream,________ sex,________ a good cigar,it should be presumed that I wont ever get better.When such a determination is reached, I hereby
instruct my appointed person and attending physicians
to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.Under no circumstances shall the members of the
Legislature enact a special law to keep me on
life-support machinery. It is my wish that these
boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay
attention instead to the future of the millions of
Americans who arent in a permanent coma.Signature:___________________________Date: ___________________________Witness: ___________________________