Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up

Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Arent:

10. I need to whip it out by 5.

9. Mind if I use your laptop?

8. Just stick it in my box.

7. If I have to lick one more, Ill gag.

6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!

5. HMMMMMMMM….I think its out of fluid.

4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

3. Its an entry-level position.

2. When do you think youll be getting off today?

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in the office but isnt:

1. Its not fair…I do all the work while he just sits there.

There is an unconfirmed report from Washington DC that about one month
ago a well-known psychic predicted that Monica Lewinsky would go down
in history.

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a
chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, people ask whether the two fish
were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch em.

The pastor says, Id like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering. Then
five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck
because It aint never been in a hole it couldnt get out of.

The choir is known as the OK Chorale.

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the
church directory.

Baptism is referred to as branding.

There is a special fund raiser for a new church septic tank.

Finding and returning lost sheep isnt just a parable.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

People think rapture is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

The baptismal font is a #2 galvanized washtub.

The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy
Bobs Barbecue.

The collection plates are really hub caps from a 56 Chevy.

The pastor has fewer teeth than Leon Spinks!

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I dont want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Cant they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I dont want them to know it.

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, Hey! You cant leave that lyin there! The drunk replies, Thats not a lion! Its a giraffe.

Shadows in 96 – Lets just get it over with.

Zathras in 96 – Other parties not very good with numbers, either.

Shadows in 96 – Just tell us what you want.

Sinclair in 96 – Hes the One for the job.

Lennier in 96 – Hell serve you faithfully as long as hes alive.

Delenn in 96 – Its time for a =real= change.

Londo in 96 – Hes stunning in purple!

You will know fear. Then you will know pain.

Then you will vote … for GKar in 96.

Sheridan in 96 – He has always been here.

Ivanova in 96 – You will NOT ignore Ivanovas recommendations!

Garibaldi in 96 – Because you cant trust anyone else.

Kosh in 96 – Yes.

Sheridan / Kosh in 96 – Stay close to the Vorlon.

Morden in 96 – You know its what you want.

Kosh in 96 – You are ready now.

Bester in 96:

Winters in 96 – She will move you.

Green Drazi in 96 – Green Drazi win. You win. Everybody win.

Kosh 96 – The avalanche has already started!

Ivanova in 96 – Because God is on her side …

Londo in 96 – His shoes arent so tight anymore …

Bester in 96 – He is our mother and our father …

Takashima in 96 – Shell send you a fruit basket …

Vir in 96 – Nothing bothers him anymore …

Ironheart in 96 – He has Become …

NaToth in 96 – Someones got to watch our backs.

13 in 96 – Were all hers now …

Talia Winters in 96 – The gloves are off!

Kosh in 96 – And so it begins.

Clarke in 96 – Its out of our hands now.

Delenn in 96 – Shes the stuff that stars are made of.

Londo in 96 – Not too great a price for immortality.

Talia Winters in 96 – She is The Future.

GKar in 96 – We must answer the challenges laid before us.

Sheridan in 96 – Its just not fair, is it … ?

Pakmara in 96 – Theyll eat their losses!

Q: Why are all dumb blond jokes so short?

A: So *men* can understand them …

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man speaks; Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well its built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me McGreggor-the Fence-Builder? Nooooo!

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGreggor-the Bar Builder? Nooooooo!

Then the old man points out the window.

Eh, Laddy, look out to sea… Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGreggor-the

Pier-Builder? Nooooo!

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention and says: But ya fuck one goat……