Old and New Jokes

Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?
A: A semi-tone.

Q: Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very moment for their call. Who are these women?
A: Women working at 900 numbers.

There was a blonde in the middle of a wheat field, in a row boat, rowing. When another blonde, stops her car on the side of the road, gets out and starts yelling, You are the type of blonde that gives the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim, I would swim out there and kick your ass!

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

The early bird who catches the worm usually works for someone who comes in late and owns the worm farm.

Indecision may or may not be my problem.

When I take a long time

I am slow

When my boss takes a long time

He is thorough

———————————-

When I dont do it

I am lazy

When my boss doesnt do it

He is too busy

———————————-

When I do something without being told

I am trying to be smart

When my boss does the same

That is initiative

———————————-

When I please my boss

Im ass-kissing

When my boss pleases his boss

Hes co-operating

———————————-

When I do good

My boss never remembers

When I do wrong

He never forgets

———————————-

In the U.S., a guy in his car is stuck in a traffic jam. Suddenly, someone comes
to his car and knocks on the window.

The driver: Whats happening?

Well, some terrorists took G.W. Bush as a hostage, and ask for a 1 million
dollar ransom or they will put some gasoline on him and set him on fire.

Oh God!

So, we go from car to car to collect what people can give.

And how much do people give in the average?

About 5 gallons…

Microsoft Corporation today announced plans to buy the
Philadelphia Mint from the United States government. Final
details of the transaction were hammered out in an all night
bargaining session which included President Bill Clinton
representing the US, and four unnamed chorus girls. An obviously
fatigued and smiling
Clinton emerged from the meeting and stated that he saw no
chance that there would be opposition from anyone within the
government. In an effort to appease regulators, Microsoft
gave a copy of Windows NT and a box of paper clips to Novell.
Microsoft said it intends to print money in direct competition
with the US Government. Microsoft chairman, Bill Gates, declared,
The Government has no vision and we intend to eventually take
over all operations. The official announcement was made by
Microsoft spokesman, Brad Silverberg, who showed reporters an
alpha version of the currency Microsoft will release next year.
The currency, called simply Money (patent pending) bears a
striking resemblance to US currency . When questioned about this,
Silverberg stated that the US Government had obviously copied the
design. Silverberg alleged that this was constantly happening to
Microsoft, citing Apples theft of the Windows look and feel, and
Stacs pilfering of on-the-fly disk compression as only two
examples.
Gates said the acquisition was made in order to move closer to
his grand vision of Money always at my fingertips. Gates
further stated that the move to 32 bit operating systems would
make it difficult for the lemms, uh, I mean, users to continue
throwing money at Microsoft in ever increasing amounts. This
(acquisition) will make it unnecessary for our customers to
continue to struggle with the challenge of actually buying and
installing software, continued Gates.
Response within the industry and government was immediate. All
major ISVs appeared at the press conference and announced
support for Money. Steve Gibson called the acquisition the most
earth shattering event in the history of the world, without
question. Brian Livingston said this was the most exciting news
since cousin Pee Wee got his own television show. Ed Bott
declared that PC Computing would dedicate its next twelve issues
to the new Money and said we would all be using it soon. Jim
Seymour stated that the miraculous Money is now the standard for
currency in the United States. Hillary Clinton was not
available for comment.

A flea died and went to Heaven. St. Peter met it at the gate and explained
that it could choose how it could spend the rest of eternity.

SP: Have you thought about it? Do you know how youd like to spend the rest
of eternity?

Flea: Yes St. Peter, I have thought about it, Id like to spend the rest of
eternity on the back of a rich ladys dog.

SP: So be it, its done.

A few weeks later St. Peter was wondering about the flea and so he called.

SP: Flea, how are you doing?

Flea: Oh St. Peter, I made a terrible mistake. This old broad washes her dog
two to three times a day, she perfumes it, and Im nauseous and I have a
headache from the smell.

SP: Well you know that you arent supposed to get more than one choice on
how to spend the rest of eternity, but you are supposed to be happy.
Have you thought about what else you might like to do?

Flea: Oh yes St Peter! I have thought about it and Im sorry I didnt bring
it up before, Id like to spend it in Willie Nelsons beard.

SP: So be it, its done.

Out of curiosity St. Peter checked on the flea a few weeks later.

SP: Hello flea, how are you doing now?

Flea: Im sorry St. Peter, Im not doing well at all. I get waked up in the
middle of the night, get drenched with beer, foul language all the time
and I keep getting woozy with some white powder that flies around. Its
Hell, St. Peter, Im miserable!

SP: You know, flea, youre not supposed to be able to change your mind about
how you spend the rest of eternity, but you say this is Hell, have you
considered what else you might like to do?

Flea: Oh St Peter, YES! I HAVE thought about it and I have decided that Id
like to spend the rest of eternity in Dolly Partons bush.

SP: So be it, its done.

Not being able to stand his curiosity St. Peter decided to check on the flea
again after a few weeks.

SP: Hows it going flea?

Flea: Oh hi St. Peter, well, its kind of strange… You see there was this
big party. There was lots of singing and dancing, I got bounced around
a lot and there was this weird smoke in the air that made me dizzy. There
were hands all over me and I dont quite remember all that happened, but
would you believe it? Im back in Willie Nelsons beard!

Bill Kennedy {cbosgd | ihnp4!petro | sun!texsun!rrm}!ssbn!bill