Llega un borrachito a su casa, golpea la puerta y le grita a su mujer, ¡Mi Amor! ¡Prepárate para tres polvos!
La esposa sale por la ventana y le responde:
Mi vida, veo que vienes caliente.
Y el borrachito le responde:
¡No, es que vengo con dos amigos!
Dos locas conversan. Dice la una:
Por la mañana voy a la iglesia a rezar maitines. Después de desayunarme, rezo el rosario. A las doce voy a la capilla a rezar el ángelus, después de comer rezo el Ave MarÃa. A las seis voy a misa, me confieso y comulgo. Después de oÃr misa escucho la novena. Antes de acostarme rezo el rosario y una vez acostada rezo tres avemarÃas y cinco padrenuestros. Todo esto lo hago porque pienso que el alma es para el Cielo.
¿Y el cuerpo, qué?, pregunta la otra mariquita.
Al cuerpo que le den por culo, que para eso está.
A young boy was in math class, watching a movie about how when we studied math, it was like we were burning it for fuel. The next day the boy came in and sat down. The teacher asked Where is your math book? and the boy said The movie talked about burning math for fuel, and so I burned my math!
Your Clothes
-1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
-2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
-3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.
The Babys Name
-1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice pronouncing and writing combinations of all your favorites.
-2nd baby: Someone has to name his or her kid after your great-aunt Mavis, right? It might as well be you.
-3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where your finger points.
Preparing for the Birth
-1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
-2nd baby: You dont bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didnt do a thing.
-3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.
The Layette
-1st baby: You pre-wash your newborns clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the babys little bureau.
-2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
-3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, cant they?
Worries
-1st baby: At the first sign of distress — a whimper, a frown — you pick up the baby.
-2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
-3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.
Activities
-1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
-2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
-3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
Going Out
-1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home 5 times.
-2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
-3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
At Home
-1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
-2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your older child isnt squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
-3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
Hire a teenage while they still know everything,
One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.
The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, Tonight, Im the Designated Decoy.
The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.
Nothing improves with age.
No matter how many times youve had it, if its offered take it, because itll never be quite the same again.
Sex has no calories.
Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
Sex appeal is 50% what youve got and 50% what people think youve got.
No sex with anyone in the same office.
Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
Virginity can be cured.
When a mans wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she cant stand years later.
Sex is dirty only if its done right.
It is always the wrong time of month.
The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you wont either.
Sow your wild oats on Saturday night – Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.
The younger the better.
The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.
Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
Before you find your handsome prince, youve got to kiss a lot of frogs.
There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
Love your neighbor, but dont get caught.
Love is a hole in the heart.
If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.
Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
Do it only with the best.
Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Thou shalt not commit adultery… unless in the mood.
Never lie down with a woman whos got more troubles than you.
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
Never argue with a women when shes tired – or rested.
A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldnt.
What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
Never say no.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesnt love her.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Love comes in spurts.
The world does not revolve on an axis.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Dont do it if you cant keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
This wont hurt, I promise.
An elderly spinster called the lawyers office and told the receptionist she wanted to see the lawyer about having a will prepared.
The receptionist suggested they set up an appointment for a convenient time for the spinster to come into the office.
The woman replied, You must understand, Ive lived alone all my life, I rarely see anyone, and I dont like to go out. Would it be possible for the lawyer to come to my house?
The receptionist checked with the attorney who agreed and he went to the spinsters home for the meeting to discuss her estate and the will.
The lawyers first question was, Would you please tell me what you have in assets and how youd like them to be distributed under your will?
She replied, Besides the furniture and accessories you see here, I have $40,000 in my savings account at the bank.
Tell me, the lawyer asked, how would you like the $40,000 to be distributed?
The spinster said, Well, as Ive told you, Ive lived a reclusive life, people have hardly ever noticed me, so Id like them to notice when I pass on. Id like to provide $35,000 for my funeral.
The lawyer remarked, Well, for $35,000 you will be able to have a funeral that will certainly be noticed and will leave a lasting impression on anyone who may not have taken much note of you! But tell me, he continued, what would you like to do with the remaining $5,000?
The spinster replied, As you know, Ive never married, Ive lived alone almost my entire life, and in fact Ive never slept with a man. Before I die, Id like you to use the $5,000 to arrange for a man to sleep with me.
This is a very unusual request, the lawyer said, adding, but Ill see what I can do to arrange it and get back to you.
That evening, the lawyer was at home telling his wife about the eccentric spinster and her weird request.
After thinking about how much she could do around the house with $5,000 and with a bit of coaxing, she got her husband to agree to provide the service himself. She said, Ill drive you over tomorrow morning, and wait in the car until youre finished.
The next morning, she drove him to the spinsters house and waited while he went into the house. She waited for over an hour, but her husband didnt come out. So she blew the car horn. Shortly, the upstairs bedroom window opened, the lawyer stuck his head out and yelled, Pick me up tomorrow, shes going to let the County bury her!
121. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
122. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly pygmies?
A: Ones a bunch a cunning runts …
123 Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You dont let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
124. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
125. Q: Whats the difference between a blond having her period and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
126. Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shopping trolley?
A: The shopping trolley has a mind of its own!
127. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and the Suez Canal?
A: Ones a busy ditch.
128. Q: What is the difference between a blond and a toilet?
A: A toilet wont follow you around after you use it.
129. Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
A: In the morning a rooster says, Cockll-doodl-doooo, while a blonde says, Any-cockll-doooo.
130. Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it wont follow you around for a week.
131. Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
132. Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
133. Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
134. Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: Theyre both empty from the neck up.
135. Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
136. Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
137. Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common ?
A: Put either of em in a car and their fucked.
138. Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
139. Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
140. Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Dont tell her to swallow.