Old and New Jokes

Q: How many presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Less and less all the time.

Estaban dos niños cada uno con un trompo y uno le dice al otro:

A ver, baila el trompo.

Y el otro le contesta: No sabo.

No se dice no sabo se dice no sepo.

En ese momento una señora estaba escuchando la conversación de los niños y les dice:

No se dice ni no sabo ni no sepo.

Los niños le preguntan:

Entonces, ¿Cómo se dice?

La señora les contesta:

No sé.

Y los niños le dicen:

Entonces, por qué se mete en lo que no le importa.

Youre so ugly your mom has to tie a roast beef sandwich around your neck to get the dog to play with you.

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money.

The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadnt been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, We cant ship your new order until you pay for the last one.

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, Please cancel the order. We cant wait that long.

Study each question carefully. Then, choose the answer that



seems most correct (True or False) and mark an X (just



like you sign your name) under the appropriate heading on



the right side.



TRUE FALSE



1. A clitoris is a type of flower. |______|______|



2. Pubic hair is a wild rabbit. |______|______|



3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. |______|______|



4. Vagina is a medical term used to | | |



describe heart trouble. |______|______|



5. Menstrual cycle has three (3) wheels. |______|______|



6. A G-string is part of a violin. |______|______|



7. Semen is another word for sailor. |______|______|



8. Anus is the Latin word for yearly. |______|______|



9. Testicles are found on an octopus. |______|______|



10. Asphalt describes rectal troubles. |______|______|



11. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. |______|______|



12. KOTEX is a radio station in Bryan, Texas. |______|______|



13. Coitus is a musical instrument. |______|______|



14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. |______|______|



15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. |______|______|



16. A condom is an apartment complex. |______|______|



17. An organism is the person who accompanies | | |



the choir in church |______|______|



18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. |______|______|



19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. |______|______|



20. An erection is when the Japanese vote | | |



for their new government officials. |______|______|



21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. |______|______|



22. Sodomy is a special kind of fast-growing grass. |______|______|



23. Pornography is the business of making record | | |



albums. |______|______|



24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origins. |______|______|



25. Douche is the Italian word for twelve |______|______|



26. An enema is someone who is not your friend. |______|______|



27. Ovaries are a French egg dish made with cheese. |______|______|

Error is often more earnest than truth.

A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings
out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the customer decides to
let it go.

Would you like anything else? the waiter inquires. We have some very
good beef stew today.

Sounds good, says the customer. So the waiter goes off and comes
back with a plate of stew, and his thumb is in the stew. The customer is getting
angry now, but decides to hold his tongue.

How about some hot apple pie? asks the waiter.

Fine, says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in
the pie. Now the customer is really getting furious.

Coffee? asks the waiter, and when the customer nods yes, he hurries
off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. By now the customer
can no longer restrain himself.

What the hell do you think youre doing? Every time youve come to the
table youve had your thumb stuck in my food!

Ive got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot,
moist place.

Why dont you just stick it up your ass?

Where do you think I put it when Im in the kitchen?

On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her
what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, Get weighed.

So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He
looked at Rose and said, One hundred and twenty pounds. Since Rose weighed
in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe
asked Rose what she wanted to do next. Get weighed, she said. So they went
back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Roses weight correctly.
Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After
they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. I want to get
weighed! she said again.

Now Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end
the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.

Roses roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the
evening went.

Wousy! Rose replied.

– Steve DiPirro

A man is running along and falls off a cliff – I dont know why he falls
off a cliff, he just does, OK?

As hes falling he manages to grab onto a tree about 15 feet down,
growing out from the side of the cliff. Now hes hanging there and he
looks down and sees this 200 feet drop below him, but he knows hes
only 15 feet from the top of cliff. Looking up he cries out for help,
Is there anybody up there?

Much to his surprise he is heard. A voice replies which can only be
that of the lord (the reverb has been turned up and theres too much
bass), Let… go…

The man looks down at the 200 feet drop, and then looking up once
more, cries out, Is there anybody else up there?

Why are women like snow flakes??

They are all beautiful.
They are all different.
They can all be cold as ice.
But theyll all melt when they land on your face……

Dave B.

I have good news and bad news, a defense attorney told his client.

First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victims dress.



Oh, no – Im ruined! cried the client. Whats the good news?



Your cholesterol is down to 140!