Old and New Jokes

Arbitrator ar-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arbys to work at McDonalds.

Avoidable uh-voy-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney uh-lo-nee: Where some hemlines fall.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

Im not cheap, but I am on special this week

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I intend to live forever – so far, so good

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you aint makin waves, you aint kickin hard enough!

Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!

Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of

Support bacteria – theyre the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everythings coming your way, youre in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Give a man a free hand and hell run it all over you.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some dont have film.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Corduroy pillows: Theyre making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

Q: Do you know what the height of mixed emotions is?

A: Watching your mother-in- law go over a cliff in your brand-new Mercedes.

I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.

I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die.

Jon and Dan were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they answered correctly, they were deemed cured and free to go. Jon was called into the doctors office first and asked if he understood that hed be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?" Jon said, "Id be half blind." "Thats correct. What would happen if I poked out both your eyes?" "Id be completely blind." The doctor stood up, shook his hand, and told him he was free. On Jons way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the questions to Dan. He told him what questions would be asked and the answers. Dan was called in. The doctor went through the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?" Dan, remembering what Jon had said, said, "Id be half blind." The doctor looked a litle puzzled, but went on. "What would happen if I cut off both your ears?" "Id be completely blind." "Dan, how can you explain that youd be blind?" asked the doctor. "Well," replied Dan, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

There are three girls in the Fifth Grade. There is a blonde a brunette and a redhead.

Which one is the probably the smartest?

If you guessed the blonde you were correct…. shes 19 years old!

You might be a redneck if…
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.

There were two guys sitting in a plane. The one guy says lets play a game, Ill ask you a question if you get it right I give you 5 dollars.

So the other guy says fine if you get it right, I give you 50 dollars, if you get it wrong you give me

5.

The guy says ok.

He asks him what his name was the guy didnt know it so he payed him 5 dollars.

So the other guy asks what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with

4.

He thinks and thinks but doesnt know so he pays him 50 dollars.

He asks what does go up ahill with 3 legs and comes down with

4.

The guy hands him 5 dollars.