Old and New Jokes

Yo mama so ugly even Rice Krispies wont talk to her!

El amante llega donde su amada, pero ella está en su período menstrual.

Mi amor, hoy no se va a poder estoy con la mensual.

¡Pues te va a tocar por el anual!, responde tajante él.

Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.

Doctor: Tell him I cant see him now. Next.

You Know Its Your Last Day At Work When……

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, Whats this?, you realize you just dropped the companys deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This ones your turn. Your boss is standing behind you. Its his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a weeks vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a sick day. The next morning the boss asks you, So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?.

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Youre in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on a vast beach.

The marriage counselor, trying to be creative, told him, If you wish to save your marriage, youd better be a little boulder.

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa,
throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of
whatever is left.

Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove
the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1
as a subordinate exercise.
Professors of mathematics will prove the existence
of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture
of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants by exercising
Algorithm A:

Go to Africa.
Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
alternately east and west.
During each traverse pass,

Catch each animal seen.
Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A
by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will
terminate.
Assembly language programmers prefer to execute
Algorithm A on their hands and knees.

Hardware engineers hunt elephants by going to
Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of
them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
elephant.

Economists dont hunt elephants, but they believe
that if elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times
and call it an elephant.

Consultants dont hunt elephants, and many have
never hunted anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise
those people who do.

Operations research consultants can also measure the
correlation of hat size and bullet color to the efficiency of
elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will only identify the
elephants.

Politicians dont hunt elephants, but they will
share the elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.

Lawyers dont hunt elephants, but they do follow
the herds around arguing about who owns the droppings.

Software lawyers will claim that they own an entire
herd based on the look and feel of one dropping.

Vice Presidents of engineering, research, and
development try hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are
designed to prevent it. When the vice president does get to hunt
elephants, the staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are
completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the vice
president does happen to see a elephant, the staff will:

(1) compliment the vice presidents keen eyesight and

(2) enlarge itself to prevent any recurrence.

Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy
based on the assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
deeper voices.

Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants
and look for mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the
jeep.

Sales people dont hunt elephants but spend their
time selling elephants they havent caught, for delivery two days before
the season opens.

Software Sales people ship the first thing they catch
and write up an invoice for an elephant.

Hardware sales people catch rabbits, paint them gray,
and sell them as desktop elephants.

Dearest Koos

Im writing this slow because I know you cant read fast.

We dont live where we did when you left home. Your pa read in the newspaper that almost all accidents happen within 20 km of your home, so we moved. I wont be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldnt have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. Im not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We havent seen them since.

The weather isnt bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your oom Frikkie said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in their pockets.

Pietie locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I havent found out what it is yet so I dont know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Oom Wessels fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a bakkie. Janneman was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldnt get the tailgate down.

There isnt much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt, Betsie

P.S. I was going to enclose R25 but I already sealed the envelope…

Thou shalt not act half starved whenever thou watches me eat. Thou shalt not lift thy leg to water the Christmas tree. Thou shalt not roll in any smelley stuff thy finds in the yard. Thou shalt not lie down next to me and commence making licking and popping noises. Thou shalt not dig up my favorite rose bush. Thou shalt not treat my shoes as if they were thy chew toy. Thou shalt not drink out of the toilet. Thou shalt keep thy nose out of the cats litter box. Thou shalt not WATCH the cat while she is in her litterbox. (she likes her privacy) Thou shalt not pass gas in my presence, and then walk away as if thou has been offended by me. Thou shalt not run away from home in pursuit of a good time (thou has been neutered) Thou shalt refrain from coughing and gagging while we have company. Thou shall not hide thy bones under my pillow. Thou shalt not harmonize with the cat at 2a.m. Thou shalt not sneak up on me and lick me in the mouth while I am sleeping.

Rabinowitz is coming back to Israel. The customs officer asks him what he has in his heavy suitcase and Rabinowitz responds: Bird-feed for my parrot. The officer is still suspicious and opens it. Its all coffee! Didnt you say it was bird-feed for my parrot? asks the officer. Rabinowitz responds: If she doesnt eat it, thats her problem.