A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a coke.
The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins.
She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and, of course, the machine keeps feeding out drinks.
Another woman walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before asking if someone else could have a go.
The blonde spins around and shouts in her face, Cant you see Im winning?
Subject: MOUSE BALLS
> How To Replace Mouse Balls
I dont know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company (IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).
Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.
It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.
Jenna
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender: Can I have a hot rag for my nose?
The bartender says yes, but why do you need that for your nose?
The man answers Well, a couple of seconds ago I tried to sniff coke, but and ice cube got stuck up my nose.
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over, the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying A dollar per point. The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $56 change.
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
What do you call an [ethnic] man and six monkeys?
– A Branch Manager.
This wonderful bit of followup on the news courtesy of Durham Herald-Sun
columnist Carl Daniels-Kinney:
Im sure many of you are aware that about two weeks ago, the US Supreme
Court ruled that the state of Missouri cannot discriminate against the Ku
Klux Klan when it comes to groups that want to participate in the
adopt-a-highway program. Of course, while the name of the Klan is
aesthetically disgusting, wed all agree that this decision is a victory
for free speech and equal protection under the law, right?
Well, the DOT in Missouri has gotten their revenge, and boy is it sweet.
Sure, they cant remove the KKKs adopt-the-highway sign, but few would
dispute the states ability to name the highway itself.
The KKK is now cleaning up a stretch of the newly-christened Rosa Parks
Freeway.
Look out for #1. Dont step in #2 either.
and he walks up to the cashier and asks do you have any grapes?the cashier responds..No this is a department store we dont sell food we sell clothes!so the duck leaves… and comes back the next day..
he walks up to the cashier and asks..
do you have any grapes?
the cashier responds,
no we are a department store we dont sell grapes..we sell make upthe duck leaves and comes back the next day…he walks up to the cashier and asks..
do you have any grapes?and the cashier frustrated says,
no for the final time we dont sell grapes and if you ask again I WILL NAIL YOUR DUCK FEET TO THE FLOOR!!!!the duck leaves…and comes back the next day…
he walks up to the cashier and asks,
do you have any nails?
the cash register responds…
No.
so the duck asks..
do you have any grapes?
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shack,
Not a thing was a movin, from the front to the back,
The kids were in bed, I believe we had nine,
The wife in her curlers, was lookin real fine.
A cold wind was blowin, up the holler it moaned,
All seven dogs on the porch howled and groaned.
The boys were all dreamin of weapons and guns,
For killin Gods creatures, theres no better fun.
The girls in their feminine dreams were attuned,
To getting those gallons of Wal*Mart perfume.
The wife wanted jewelry, like rings with big rocks,
I wanted my Chevy, down off the blocks.
Then in the yard, such a noise did commence,
Like something was caught, in the barb-wire fence.
I ran to the window, and saw pretty quick,
The man makin the racket, was Good Ol St. Nick.
You may think of Santa, in your own minds eye,
Dressed in a red and white suit, But Ive got a surprise.
That old boys an Arkie, our fair state he wont failer,
He married his cousin, and they live in a trailer.
On Christmas, of course, a sleigh for his rig,
He hooks the thing up, to a razorback pig.
He climbed on the roof, with his bag full of goodies,
He backed down the fireplace, all dirty and sooty.
Fat legs in his britches, chubby hands in his mittens,
I admit from the back, he looked like Bill Clinton.
He turned toward the tree, His eyes all aglow,
He was a Southern boy, from his head to his toe.
His neck was a red one, his shirt said Light Beer,
There was no red hat, his cap read,John Deere.
He left all the presents, with an air of delight,
Then it was back to the chimney, and into the night
He ran into the yard, and threw his bag in the sleigh,
Then he yelled at the dogs, to get out of the way.
And I heard him exclaim, as those pigs took to flight,
Merry Christmas to all, And to all … A bud lite