Old and New Jokes

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Woody!
Woody who?
Woody you want!

Yo mama so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.

A mans been drinking at the pub all night. The barman finally says that the bar is closing, so the man stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result.

He figures hell crawl outside and get some fresh air and that will sober him up.

Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the four blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face again.

He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up.

This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting, So youve been out drinking again!

What makes you say that? he asks, putting on an innocent look

His wife said, The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again.

El doctor Porras un día llevó a su esposa a cenar por primera vez al restaurante de un hotel. Al bajarse del carro el portero lo saluda muy cordialmente:

¡Qué tal doctor Porras! ¿Cómo me le ha ido? ¡Qué gusto tenerlo otra vez por acá!

La esposa extrañada le reclama con el respectivo codazo en las costillas y le dice:

¿Así que nunca habías venido por acá? ¿Y cómo es que saben tu nombre?

Pura táctica para que les den propina.

Al entrar al restaurante, el mesero los ubica en la mejor mesa y les dice:

que gusto verlo doctor porras, hacía tiempo que no venía, ¿le traigo lo de siempre?

Una vez más la esposa lo codea reclamándole: No que no… ¿Que nunca habias estado aqui?

Ya te dije que son trucos que usan para sacarte más dinero del que piensas gastar.

Pasado un rato el dueño del restaurante interrumpe la música de fondo y toma un micrófono: Señoras y señores… el momento esperado por todos ustedes, he aquí a la estrella de la noche, la espectacular stripper Susan.

Acto seguido Susan empieza a caminar por encima de las mesas y se detiene justo donde estaba sentado el doctor Porras y empieza a desvestirse muy sensual mientras le bailaba mirándolo fijamente.

Cuando Susan se queda en bolas, decide animar al publico gritando: ¿de quien son estas tetas? Y todos contestan en coro: ¡de Porras!, de Porras! De quien es esta chucha? ¡De porras!, ¡de porras! ¿De quien es este culo? ¡De porras!, de porras!

Y la esposa airada la emprende contra el doctor a carterazos y patadas hasta que se suben en un taxi donde siguen la contienda.

Habiéndose medio calmado la esposa, el taxista acomoda su espejo retrovisor de modo que pueda verle la cara a sus pasajeros. Ve a la esposa, la ignora, y luego reconoce al sujeto y le dice:

Oiga doctor Porras yo le había conocido a usted putas feas, pero nunca una así tan brava!!!

Take it to the horse-pital.

There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel and offered hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner. After a while, he started advancing on her. Before long though, she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.Its OK, he replied, its written in the Bible.So after a wild night of bliss the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says its okay.The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone wrote in pencil – The hat check girl puts out!

A neighbor of mine was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him scribbling furiously on a notepad.

I told him rabies could be cured and he didnt have to worry about writing a will.

He said, Will, will,… WHAT WILL? Im making a list of people Im gonna bite!!

QUESTION: How many church people does it take to change a lightbulb?

Charismatics: Only one. Hands are already in the air.

Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the light bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much better they liked the old bulb.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We chose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the light bulb. However, if you have found in your own journey that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your light bulb and present it next month at our annual l light bulb Sunday service in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life, and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.

Baptists: At least fifteen. One to change the light bulb, five or six professors to search the Bible for authorization and then two or three committees to approve the change. Oh, and some faithful women to make a casserole.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans dont believe in change.

Methodists: A whole congregation. One to change the light bulb, and the rest of the congregation to be sure that he doesnt backslide.

The new name of my Fantasy Football team is going to be Off Constantly.That way, all of my opponents will say, this week my team is going to beat Off Constantly.Or, after a victory against me, my opponents will have to say, Hooray, I beat Off Constantly!

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddams chair. They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, hes finally had enough, knowing that he cant do much without them functioning well. Im going back home! he tells the Iraqi. Well finish these talks in two weeks!

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clintons chair and prepares himself for the Yanks revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

Forget this, says Saddam. Im going back to Baghdad!

Clinton says through tears of laughter, What Baghdad?