Old and New Jokes

Q: Why were there two presidential limousines in the inaugural parade?
A: The first one held the real president while the second one contained the presidents spouse, Bill Clinton.

Once there was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They decided to make their very own record and they plan to make it on MTV some day. After years and years of practice they called in and asked to perform. They had to prove they were good enough so the mailed the host of MTV a video. A few days later they all found out they did make it to MTV so they rehearsed plenty of times and had everything going perfect. They were going to be the greatest performers ever. After driving for about 20 hours they were tired but still planned to be great the next day. They arrived on the set of MTV to perform. The blonde was suppose to be in charge of the drumrole when the host said to do so. He said,Ladies and gentlemen, listen up for the new pop stars of 2002. Then opened an envelope and said Could I get a drumrole please? So the blonde picked up the drum, roled it across the stage and hit the host and killed him therefor they were not excepted to perform anywhere else and were locked up for a cuople years.

lesson:if you want a career, dont kill your boss or any hosts!!!

Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.

Two engineering students were riding across campus when one said, Where did you get such a great bike?
The second engineer replied, Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, Take what you want.

The first engineer nodded approvingly, Good choice; The clothes probably wouldnt have fit.

A self-centered, unbelieving man… ok a lawyer… died and was delivered into the devils hands. You will be spending eternity here, but Ill let you pick your own room from three Ill show you, the devil said.

In the first room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a brick floor. I dont like that, said the man. Show me the second.

In the second room were thousands of people standing on their heads on a wood floor. Well, thats better than brick, the man said, but show me the third.

In the third, thousands of people were standing ankle-deep in a room full of maggot infested garbage, all drinking coffee.

Ill choose this room, he said.

Into the room he went and the door slammed behind him.

Immediately, the voice of a minor demon rang out, O.K., coffee break is over, back on your heads.

There were three guys in a new bar that just openened and the bartender asked them what he should call his new bar.

One guy said, just name it a pub. Another said, just name it the bar. The thrid guy said, name it Suzys Legs.

The owner like that one so he called his bar Suzys Legs.

The next morning, this same guy and his dog were sitting in front of the bar waiting for it to open when a cop drove by and asked what he was doing?

He replied…nothing officer…just waiting for Suzys Legs to open so I can get a drink!

Dear Son,
Im writing this slow cause I know you cant read fast. We dont live where we did when you first left. Your Dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I wont be able to send you the address as the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldnt have to change their address. This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I havent seen em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days this time. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue sid it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I havent found out whether its a girl or a boy, so I dont know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle. Not much more news this time, write soon.
Love, Mom
P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.

A father one day notices that his son is coming of age. He decides to take his son into town to learn the facts of life from a skilled women. They ride into town from the Australian outback and tie up at the local cathouse.The father sends his son upstairs. When the son is alone with the lady, she takes off her skirt. The son picks up a chair and thows it out the window. The lady thinks this is a bit odd, but she takes off her shirt. The son throws a lamp out the window. The woman removes her bra, the son tosses the table. Finally, the women removes her shorts; the son tosses the bed out the window.The lady can no longer contain her curiosity; she exclaims, What in the heck are you doing?!The son explains, Well, if this is anything like kangaroos, were going to need an awful lot of room!

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one thats so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, Well, how was it?

The woman says, You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf.

PATIENT: Im in a hospital!? Whey am I in here?

DOCTOR: Youve had an accident involving a train.

PATIENT: What happened?

DOCTOR: Well, Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

PATIENT: Well the bad news first.

DOCTOR: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

PATIENT: Thats terrible! Whats the good news?

DOCTOR: Theres a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your shoes.