At the time of writing, Microsofts slogan for Windows 95 was Where do you want to go today? These are some alternative and probably more truthful ad slogans for use with Windows.
13. OS/2. Opens up Windows, shuts up Gates.
13
May
13
May
Kudzu is green, my dogs name is Blue And Im so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blues and without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You aint got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
Youre as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin in the pan. Yore as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when were in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits, Well, Im in hawg heaven, Im plumb outta my wits.
And speakin of wits, youve got plenty fer shore. Cuz you married me back in 74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know, What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape, yore there fer yore man, To patch up lifes troubles and stick em in the can.
Yore as strong as a four-wheeler racin through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.
Yore as cute as a junebug a-buzzin overhead. You aint mean like no far ant upon which I oft tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid, You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Aint nuttin I lack.
Yore complexion, its perfection, like the best vinyl sidin. Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin.
And when you get old like a 57 Chevy, Wont put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me n yous like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank, We go together like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentines Day; They git it at Wal-Mart; Its romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day, From the cooler at Kroger.
Thats impressive, I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
Diamonds are forever, they explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, these will not do. For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odour, Better than diamonds, its a new trollin motor.
13
May
Llegaron dos chicas de la costa a la ciudad en busca de trabajo. A la hora de una entrevista, el jefe les pregunta:
¿Qué hacÃan ustedes en la costa?
Una de ellas contesta:
En la costa servÃamos papitas.
Entonces, el jefe les dice:
Bueno, están contratadas, pero ahora van a servir paputas.
13
May
She wouldnt have been old enough to bear children!
13
May
10. Girls Just Want To Be Nuns
9. Wind Beneath My Vestments
8. Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)
7. A Whiter Shade Of Robe
6. Exactly Like A Virgin
5. Sistine Candles
4. Take This Job And Read It
3. Gettin Popey Wit It
2. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me
1. Papas Got A Brand New Encyclical
13
May
From the German Army Hand-Book:
The soldier is allowed to begin swimming without a special order of his seargant if the depth of the water he is marching in is more than half a meter.
(And this is no joke!)
13
May
Top Ten of Silliest Questions asked on a Cruise Ship
by Paul Grayson, Cruise Director for the Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines
Do these steps go up or down?
What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?
Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?
Does the crew sleep on the ship?
Is this island completely surrounded by water?
Does the ship make its own electricity?
Is it salt water in the toilets?
What elevation are we at?
Theres a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day … the question asked … If the pictures arent marked, how will I know which ones are mine?
What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?
13
May
Why do men masturbate?
Because they want to have sex with someone they love.
13
May
A guy walks into a bar and just gets wasted smashed he cant even walk so the bar tender gets him a cab he goes home and comes back the next day to thank the bar tender the bar tender asks how did the night go and he says it sucked i blew chunks in every room of my house and the bar tender says that must of been a bitch to clean up and he says no dude chunks is my dog
13
May
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said lookey thar up ahead, Earl, its a poll-ice roadblock!! Were gonna get busted fer drinkin these here beers!!
Dont worry, Bubba, Earl said. Well just pull over and finish drinkin these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat.
What fer?, asked Bubba.
Just let me do the talkin, OK?, said Earl.
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, You boys been drinkin?
No, sir, said Earl. Were on the patch!