Old and New Jokes

Trombone: a slide whistle with delusions of granduer.

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.

An wots this then? he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butchers shins.

You dumb dog. As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff thats been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.

Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Wholl know?

Again, the dog growls menacingly. Alright, alright, as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.

The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dogs owner screams at the dog.

Hey, what are you doing? Thats a really smart dog youve got there, comments the butcher.

Hes a stupid dog–thats the third time this week hes forgotten his key.

El siguiente examen consiste en cuatro preguntas de aptitud ejecutiva que le dirán si está calificado para obtener un puesto como ejecutivo. Lea atentamente la pregunta y sin leer la respuesta, diga en voz alta la respuesta que pensó. Después, compárela. Haga esto mismo con cada una de las 4 preguntas. Las respuestas no son difíciles. Simplemente debe pensar como un(a) verdadero(a) ejecutivo.

Pregunta 1

¿Cómo metería una jirafa en un refrigerador (nevera)?

Respuesta correcta:

Abra el refrigerador; meta la jirafa y cierre la puerta.

Esta pregunta verifica si Ud. está haciendo las cosas simples de una manera complicada.

Pregunta 2

¿Cómo metería un elefante en un refrigerador?

Respuesta incorrecta:

Abra la nevera; meta el elefante y cierre la nevera.

Respuesta correcta:

Abra el refrigerador; saque la jirafa; meta el elefante y cierre la nevera.

Esta pregunta comprueba su capacidad de evaluar dificultades futuras.

Pregunta 3

El rey León ha convocado a una Asamblea General de Animales. Todos fueron, menos uno. ¿Cuál?

Respuesta correcta:

El elefante. ¡Está en el refrigerador!

Esta pregunta evalúa su capacidad de razonamiento comprensivo.

Pregunta 4

En la selva hay un río lleno de cocodrilos, y Ud. no cuenta con embarcación alguna. ¿Cómo lo cruzaría?

Respuesta correcta:

Nadando. ¡Todos los cocodrilos están en la reunión del rey León!

Esta pregunta evalúa su agilidad mental.

Calificación para puestos:

4 respuestas correctas = Dirección ejecutiva, presidencia.

3 respuestas correctas = Gerencias medias.

2 respuestas correctas = Asistentes, jefaturas.

1 respuesta correcta = Obrero, oficinista.

Ninguna respuesta correcta = Dedíquese a la pesca con red, porque con anzuelo no sacará nada.

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.

No, his friend said, its named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia.



Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?



A check.

The angry preacher…



The preacher rose with a red face. Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!



No one moved.



The preacher continued, Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!



Again all was quiet.



Slowly a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.



Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.

I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.

This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, Is it true that if you pull your finger out, Ill sink ?

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you  noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up revocation in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up aluminium . Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

Look up vocabulary. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as like and you know is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up interspersed.

2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isnt that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American football is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays American football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Merde is French for shit

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called Indecisive Day.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. Its been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Thanks, Mr. President, but Ive already met the delegate from the great state of your pants.
No, no – our *good* billionaires give millions out of pure unselfish patriotism! Its their *evil* billionaires who are trying to buy the government!
As distinguished senior senator from the great state of Massachusetts, I hereby nominate the junior delegate from Vermont to go fetch a pitcher of margaritas.
Come quick! Jesses gonna try rhyming Lieberman!
Im sorry, Mrs. Clinton. I know L.A. is much warmer than New York, but its too late to re-invent yourself as a half-Mexican Dodger fan.
This really *is* the party of diversity – check out the Klingon delegates!
Mr. Bushs record is inconsequential He lacks any credential for executive potential Its an illusion when he appears presidential Which makes the election of Al Gore essential!
Thank you, Mr. Beatty.
Given the lack of personality factor, do you think we can digitally add a bong in his hand somewhere in the Years in Viet Nam clip?
Come on, Karenna. Oh, yes! Whos your President? Whos your President?
We, the representatives of the great state of Mississippi, are proud to nominate the tall fella, second on the left, and his little Jew friend there.
You cant swing a cat in here without hitting a Kennedy – not that the PETA delegates would let you do it anyway.
Are you feeling OK, Mr. Carter? Youre sure? No numbness or tingling? Youre positive?
Mr. Chairman, the Great State of Tennessee, birthplace of the Internet, first in lackluster personalities, an innovative leader for fundraising with Buddhist monks, and friendlier to Jews than we used to be, nominates its favorite son … Al Gore!
Ms. Streisand says your times up. Im afraid Ill have to ask you to leave the stage now, Mr. Gore.
Well, one night Tipper and I were discussing Disney movies in Hell, and these are some of the examples we came up with…
Follow me to the ladies room and hurry – Hillarys doing her pee standing up trick!

and Topfive.coms Number 1 Thing Overheard at the Democratic National Convention …

Whos this Al Gore guy everyone keeps talking about?

Rumination of the Day

If your hand offends thee, cut it off. If your other hand offends thee, better learn to live with it or youll have to train a monkey to wipe your butt. (Rolf Lundgren)

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2000 by Chris White ]

What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?

The sofa doesnt keep asking for beer.

During a generation gap argument with his parents, young Michael told
his parents, I want freedom, excitement, adventure, and beautiful
women, and I cant find all that living here. Im leaving. Dont try
to stop me.With that he heads for the door. His father was right behind him.
Didnt you hear me? Dont try to stop me!Whos trying to stop you? his father replies. Im going too.