Old and New Jokes

Q: How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.

Two Southern belles were having a picnic in a park. The first one says, See my new diamond ring? My husband bought it for me.

The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

The first one says, And see that shiny new Jaguar parked over there? My husband bought it for me.

The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

The first one says, And you know that big white house at the top of the hill? My husband is gonna buy that for me.

The second one says, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

The first one says, Oh my stars, here I am, going on and on about myself! Tell me, what does your husband do for you?

The second one says, Well, my husband sent me to charm school.

The first one says, Charm school? Why on earth would he do that?

The second one says, Because I used to say, Who gives a fuck, but now I say, Oh, thats nice! Thats really, really nice!

Se encontraban dos compadres con unas amigas en casa de uno de ellos y le dice un compadre al otro: ¡Usssteed ya está muy borrrachhho ya váyase a doodoormir!

El compadre le contesta, Ni mmadre, yo es… es… eeestoy bien.

Pasan 5 minutos y el compadre le dice a una de las amigas, Mejor ya súbelo a dooormir…

La chica se sube con el compadre a la recámara y ve al compadre borracho y le dice en voz baja, Ahorita te vas a despertar ya verás… La amiga se quita las medias y se le sienta en el abdomen y empieza a cantar: ¡Oye, abre los ojos, mira hacia arriba, disfruta las cosas buenas que tiene la vida!

Y el compadre bien dormido hasta roncando estaba. La amiga ve que no despierta y dice, Ahora sí te vas a despertar, se quita el vestido y el sostén y se sienta en el pecho del compadre y empieza a cantar, ¡Oye, abre los ojos, mira hacia ariba, disfruta las cosa buenas que tiene la vida!

Al mismo tiempo que la chica le bailaba al compadre le ponía sus pechos en la cara y cuando termina de cantar se fija en las reacciones del compadre y el compadre perdido en su sueño…

Entonces la chica se quita los calzones y se le sienta en la cara al compadre y empieza a cantar, ¡Oye, abre los ojos, mira hacia arriba, disfruta las cosas buenas que tiene la vida!

Y el compadre finalmente reacciona: ¡lalala! ¡¡¡lalalaralalalala!!!

Había 2 borrachos en un bar y estaban transmitiendo un concurso de trajes de baño por televisión.

Sale la primera concursante y uno de los borrachos dice, ¡qué porquería!

Sale la segunda, la tercera, la cuarta, la quinta y el borracho siempre decía lo mismo: ¡qué porquería!

El otro borracho no pudo aguantar más y le dice, Tu estás loco, mira para allá como están de buenas esas mujeres y tu dices que porquería.

Sí, que porquería, ¡que porquería la que tengo yo en casa!

Things not to Say When Hanging the Lights

Did you know that hanging lights on a Christmas tree is one of the three
most stressful situations in an on-going relationship? Our psychiatrist
claims the other two danger zones are teaching your mate to drive and
wallpapering. (He is rarely wrong on these things.)

We bring you this list of Things Not To Say When
Hanging Lights on the Christmas Tree.

Youve got two red lights right next to each other, dummy. Youre supposed
to go yellow, green, red, blue, not yellow, red, red, green, blue…

Up a little higher. You can reach it. Go on, try.

What the hell do you do to these lights when you put them away every year?
Tie them in knot?

Come away from that aluminum ladder, kids. Im going to fry that sucker.

If youre not going to do it right, dont do it at all. Dont just throw
them on, like you do the icicles. Youre worse than your father.

Give me that!

Youve got the whole thing on the tree upside-down. The electric pluggee
thing should be down here at the bottom, not up at the top.

I dont care if you have found another two strings, Im done!

Youve just wound em around and around – I thought we agreed it shouldnt
look like a spiral this year?

Have you been drinking?

Wheres the cat?

Yo mama so fat that when she wore high heels, she struck oil.

I just had the doctor remove an ugly growth from my back. It was my mother-in-law.

Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea?
You didnt?! Its all over town!

It was George the Mailmans last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orangejuice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cups bottom edge.

All this was just too wonderful for words, he said, but whats the dollar for?

Well, she said, last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you.

I asked him what to give you. He said, Fuck him. Give him a dollar. The breakfast was my idea!

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.The first said, I built a big house for our Mother. The second said, I sent her a Mercedes with a driver. The third smiled and said, Ive got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she cant see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. Hes one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: Milton, she wrote one son, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.Gerald, she wrote to another, I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isnt what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!Dearest Donald, she wrote to her third son, you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!