You go to Wal-Mart to people watch.
You recycle enough Copenhagen lids to buy Christmas presents.
Your lawn mower has more horsepower than your wifes car, but no blade.
You roll your pickup truck and laugh about it.
31
Oct
31
Oct
Yo mama so flat shes jealous of a book!
31
Oct
Albrechts Law: Social innovations tend to the level of minimum tolerable well-being.
31
Oct
A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
Theyve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator! he cried out. The police were dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.
However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time with the same voice came over the line.
Never mind, he said with a hiccup, I got in the back seat by mistake!
31
Oct
A pickle, A cucumber, and a (member) were all sitting around discussing how bad their days were. The cucumber said I had the worst day ever my boss tried to pickle me. Oh yeah said the pickle my boss tried to eat me. I have all you guys beat said the (member), my owner stuck a bag over my head put me in a dark cave and made me do pushups till I threw up.
31
Oct
Q: What would you call a cat that likes to dig on the beach?
A: Sandy Claws.
Q: Which is the cats all-time favorite song?
A: Three Blind Mice.
Q: What is another name for a cats home?
A: A scratch pad.
Q: How do you stop a ten-pound parrot from talking too much?
A: Buy a twenty-pound cat!
Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One means pause at the end of a clause, and the other means claws at the end of paws!
Q: If a cat is a flabby tabby, then what is a very small cat?
A: An itty bitty kitty.
Q: What is the best award a cat can earn?
A: The Purr-litzer prize.
Q: Can anything be smarter than a cat that can count?
A: Yes, a spelling bee!
31
Oct
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several months.
The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could see a rescue boat coming.
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, Wow! I cant believe my eyes! I dont believe this is true! The lawyer on the ground was skeptical and said, I think youre hallucinating and you should come down right now.
So, the lawyer reluctantly climbed down the tree and told his friend that he had just seen a naked blonde woman floating face up headed toward their island.
The other lawyer started to laugh, thinking his friend had surely lost his mind. But, within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a naked blonde woman, face up, totally unconscious.
The two lawyers went over to her and one said to the other, You know, weve been on this island for months now without a woman. Its been a long time…do you think we should….you know….. screw her?
The other lawyer glanced down at the totally naked woman and asked…
Out of what?
31
Oct
A little boy was playing by a pond when he saw a Port-A-Potty. Feeling mischievous, he tipped it over into the pond, and ran all the way home. At dinner, his father told the story of how George Washington chopped down the cherry tree. Feeling incredibly guilty, the little boy fessed up and told his father about what had happened. Soon, the boy was spanked, and how! "Wait, dad! Whats going on? I told you the truth!""Yes, you did. But George Washingtons dad wasnt in the tree when he chopped it down!"
31
Oct
A man goes to a shrink and says, Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larrys bar and picks up men. In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! Im going crazy. What do you think I should do? Relax, says the Doctor, take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larrys bar?
31
Oct
A Mr. Dillon walks into a psychiatrists office with his wife. She tells him All he ever thinks about it sex, sex, sex, and Im tired of it!!! Weve been to 3 other doctors, and they couldnt help, so now its in your hands.
The wife leaves, and the doctor starts right in. The doctor tries to get him to talk about his childhood, but it he soon starts talking about
sex.
Next he tries to get Mr. Dillon to talk about his job, but once again, the talk turns to sex. The good doctor tries a variety of approaches:
Hobbies – Sex!
Sports – Sex!
Fishing – Sex!
Dreams – Sex!
He even tries the inkblot test, but to no avail. – Sex!
At this, the doctor believes he has hit on something – That every subject has been too general; So he decides to show him pictures of specific things.
First, he shows him a picture of a car. – Sex!
Next, a picture of a boat. – Sex!
A house. – Sex!
A tree. – Sex!
At this point, the doctor has had enough. He shouts: How can you think of sex when I show you a picture of a house!?! Or a tree!?! I can understand a car or a boat, But a house or a tree!?!?!
Mr Dillon looks at him and says: What are you yelling at me for, Doc – Youre the one with all the dirty pictures!!!