Old and New Jokes

You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.

Jack Daniels makes your list of most admired people.

You wont stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

Bonafedes Revelation: The conventional wisdom is that power is an aphrodisiac. In truth, its exhausting. – Dom Bonafede in a February, 1977 article in the Washington Post entitled Surviving in Washington

Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing troubles me less.

Your mammas so fat when she wears a yellow rain coast outside I yell TAXI!

A lady goes to the doctor to see about getting a facelift.

Well, says the doctor, I can do the facelift, and then youll have to come back in six months for a follow-up.

Oh, no. the woman replies. I want it all done in one shot. I dont want to have to come back.

The doctor thinks for a second, then offers, There is a new procedure where we put a screw in the top of your head. Then anytime you see wrinkles appearing, you just give it a little turn, which pulls the skin up, and they disappear.

Thats what I want! exclaims the lady. Lets do that.

Six months later the lady charges into the doctors office. Well, hows the procedure holding up? the doctor asks.

Terrible! the lady bellows. Its the worst mistake Ive ever made.

Whats wrong? asks the doctor.

Just look at these bags under my eyes! she hollers.

Lady, the doctor retorts, those arent bags, those are your tits. And if you dont leave that screw alone, youre going to have a beard!

On the mornign after the wedding, the bride sobbed to the groom, When you asked me to marry you even though you got up two or three times a night, I never dreamt you meant you had kidney trouble.

Take all American women who are within five years of
menopause – train us for a few weeks, outfit us with
automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with
SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna -drop us
(parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of
Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.


Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing
standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is
formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.


Weve had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to
protect them and their future. Wed like to get away from
our husbands, if they havent left already. And for those of
us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with
whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by
lightning.


We have nothing to lose.


Weve survived the water diet, the protein diet, the
carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and
saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily
survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no
food at all!


Weve spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in
bars, hardware stores, or sporting events…finding bin
Laden in some cave will be no problem.


Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new
government? Oh, please … weve planned the seating
arrangements for in-laws and extended families at
Thanksgiving dinners for years … we understand tribal
warfare.


Between us, weve divorced enough husbands to know every
trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank
accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money
and we know how to seize it … with or without the
governments help!


Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their
terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their
godforsaken terrain.


Im going to write my Congresswoman. You should, too!

Told on the monologue of Saturday Night Live, 9 December 1989:

Q: Why did the Siamese twins move to England?

A: So the other one could drive!

Ive worked for bosses both tuff & easy-going; sane & eccentric (bosses are never crazy), but by far the oddest was one who liked to hang mottos on the wall. One infamous sign posted read: I realize all work and no play will make one a dull person; however here, all play and no work will make one a street person.

Did ya ever notice an interviewer making notes during the process? I saw one actually cross-out one of my answers on the application. Where it said Sex: and I had answered, I do OK. He had the gull to cross my response and put down crazy man.

Walking by two secretaries one day, I actually heard one say: Its simply fantastic the amount of work you can get done, if you dont do anything else all day.

Anyone whos ever worked in an office is familiar with the endless collections for this charity or that person. I heard one tired & overworked secretary respond one day to a request for a donation to the Sexual Freedom League, that she gives enuff at home.