Old and New Jokes

How about never? Is never good for you?
I see youve set aside this special time, to humiliate yourself in public.
Someday, well look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Im already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
The fact that no one understands you doesnt mean youre an artist.
I dont know what your problem is, but Ill bet its hard to pronounce.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
Thank you. Were all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
Its a thankless job, but Ive got a lot of Karma to burn off.
No, my powers can only be used for good.
Im really easy to get along with, once you people learn to worship me.
You sound reasonable… It must be time to up my medication.
Ill try being nicer if youll try being smarter.
Im out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
I dont work here. Im a consultant.
Who me? I just wander from room to room.
My toys! My toys! I cant do this job without my toys!
It might look like Im doing nothing, but at the cellular level Im really quite busy.
At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

My grand-daddy worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a young fella, and he used to tell me, when I was a little nipper, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the hard work of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles. As he told it, he would stand outside behind the wood shed, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out from his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than two full minutes. . . .

Then, he started putting potatoes in the sacks…DOH!

A blondes redhead decides to show her a neat way to trick people — you put your hand on a wall and ask someone to punch it. But before they do, you pull your hand away! "That is a neat trick," thinks the blonde, and tries desperately to remember it, but isnt all too successful. Despite this, she decides to try it out on her blonde friend."Okay," she says, "Im going to put my hand in front of my face…"

A reporter asked Henry Ford the secret of his successful married life. “Same as with cars – STICK TO ONE MODEL.”

Just imagine if the following people got married…

If Yoko Ono had married Sonny Bono, shed be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, shed be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, shed be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! its the 90s!, hed be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, shed be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, shed become Sondra Locke Ness Monster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, shed be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, shed be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, hed be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

Nog (Quarks brother on Star Trek: Deep Space Nine) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, hed be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, shed be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale. (This one may take a little longer to get)

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, hed be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, hed be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.

There was once this guy and a girl in a car, parked neatly on Makeout Ridge, and they were, well, doing the obvious. So, here they were, naked as jay birds, when the guy suddenly says: I need a cigarette.

But honey, his lover says. The store closes in two minutes. Youll never have time to get to the store, and get dressed.

Thats okay, He quips. Ill just run down there naked, and if anyone sees me, Ill pretend Im a statue.

So the young man ran down to the store, got two packs of cigarettes (this store was obviously in a heavy nudist area or something), and starts to run back. The car is in sight, and he has a few more yards to go, when all of the sudden three nuns round the corner. He panics, and freezes like a statue, his beloved cigarettes in one hand.

The first nun walks over to the young man. Oh! What a beautiful cigarette dispenser! She exclaimed. She sticks a quarter up his ass, pulls on his dong, and he drops a pack of cigarettes in utter disbelief.

The second nun strolls over. What an interesting cigarette dispenser! I must try it, too. She sticks a quarter up the young mans ass, chokes his chicken, and he drops the other pack of cigarettes.

The third nun was the unimpressed sort. She strode up, stuck a quarter up the young mans ass, and yanked his monkey. Nothing happened. She pulled on his Element of Adam again. Nothing happened. She tried third time, and her eyes widened with sudden realization and surprise.

Oh, I get it! A lotion dispenser!

231. Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:

Blonde: We need help. Were three blondes changing a light bulb.

Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes.

Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course.

Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes.

Operator: And the bulb still wont light up? Blonde: No, its working fine.

Operator: Then whats the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves.

232. What about the blonde who gave birth to twins? Her husband is out looking for the other man.

233. There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, Im going to try to swim to shore. So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, I wonder if she made it. I guess its better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve. So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, I wonder if they made it! I think Id better try to make it, too. So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, Im too tired to go on! So she swam back.

234. This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend, Is it true that if you pull your finger out, Ill sink?

235. Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said Oh, look at the deer tracks. The other blonde looks and says Those arent deer tracks, those are wolf tracks. No. Those are deer tracks. They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train.

236. The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her. Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: No ma. I can fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I cant cook

237. A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test. Oh No! she said but Saint Peter said not to worry hed make it easy. Who was Gods son? said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said Andy! Thats interesting… What made you say that? said Saint Peter. Then She started to sing Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me…

238. Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger.

Blonde#1: I cant seem to get this door unlocked!

Blonde#2: Well, youd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down!

239. Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out a book called How to Hug? Got back to the dorm and found out it was volume seven of the encyclopaedia…

240. A blondes response to the comment, THINK about it!: I dont have to think — Im blonde!