Old and New Jokes

Youve ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait . . . and didnt spit it out.

Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap.

You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.

Q: How many Heisenbergs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: If you want to know how many, you can observe them as they come in the door. But if not observed, they come in waves.

Q: How many soccer players does it take to screw in a lightbulb ?
A: 15 – One to put the bulb in, 10 to kiss him afterwards, and the other sides back four to all stand around and put their hands up.

Q: How many inner-city gang members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Four–one to rob the liquor store to get money for the bulb, one to drive the getaway car, one to screw it in, and one to hold his crack pipe while he does it.

A new company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid he company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO, walks up the guy and asks – ?and how much money do you make a week??

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, ?I make $200.00 a week. Why??

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams – ?here?s a week?s pay, now GET OUT and don?t come back!?
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks – ?does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here??

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters – ?That was the Pizza delivery guy?.

Did you near about the new Jewish car?

It stops on a dime.. and picks it up.

Q: How did the dumb blonde break her leg raking leaves?

A: She fell out of the tree.

Ten ways to know that youre addicted to your computer:-

10) When you begin to laugh you yell, LOL.

9) You tell your computer you love it, more than you tell your spouse.

8) Your house catches on fire and you run home to save your computer before your family.

7) Your computer is your ONLY friend.

6) You think cyber sex is better than real sex.

5) You type only in short hand (YO ROFLMAO ILL BRB B4 U RTFM LOL).

4) You type 40 words a minute with two fingers.

3) Your twins are named RAM & ROM.

2) After breaking from your computer, you realize you have gained 40lbs, have grown hair in unusual places, your spouse and kids have left you, and Windows 3.1 is outdated.

1) YOU READ STUFF LIKE THIS!

An unemployed actor is getting pretty desperate for work. He happens upon this guy from the zoo and hes looking for actors. The guy explains that they spent so much money on getting the habitat just right, they ran out of money to import the ape they wanted. They want to hire the actor to be that ape. Although the guy thinks this is pretty stupid, he takes the job anyway.

The first few days, the actor just sits there thinking he doesnt look real and that no one is stupid enough to fall for this stunt. He gets bored and decides to walk around and examine his little cage. With this, he notices that people are watching his every move. He decides to give them a show. After a couple weeks, hes swinging on the poles and dancing around making a lot of gorilla noises and is drawing quite a crowd.

One day hes showing off for a group of kids. He is swinging around and around a pole when all of a sudden, his hand slips and he goes flying over the cage wall and right into the lions cage. Immediately, the lion is stalking him.

The actor backs up as far as he can, and when he sees no other option, he starts screaming his lungs out. HELP ME! HELP ME! With that, the lion whispers, Shut up or youll get us all fired!

Dont look now, but something between us really smells.