El cura y el chulo del pueblo se encuentran tomando unas cervezas en el bar; cada que entraba una mujer, éste se dirige al clérigo:
“Padre, a esa me la he tirao yo”.
Entraba otra y lo mismo:
Padre, a esa también me la he tirao yo.
Perplejo, y ya cuando el chulo llevaba más de 100 mujeres, el religioso le cuestiona:
“¿Oye y a que tÃa de este pueblo no te has tirao tú?”
“Pues, padre, a do: mi madre y mi hermana”.
“¡Pues entre tú y yo nos hemos follao a to el pueblo!”
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions inthe seventh largest country in the world, California.
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the Californias third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops & livestock.
Baby conceived naturally…. Scientists stumped.
Authentic year 2000 chad sells at Sothebys for $4.6 million.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria,and Lebanon.)
Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
35 year study: diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
Texas executes last remaining citizen.
Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.
Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.
Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screw-drivers and baseball bats must be registered by January 2036.
Grabels Law: 2 is not equal to 3, not even for large values of 2.
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didnt have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself Wouldnt it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me. He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place. They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.
At seven oclock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, Oh no!!! My wifes dinner party!!! He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where hes been all this time.
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said: Come on guys, were almost there!
A priest was walking along the corridor of the parochial school near the preschool wing when a group of little ones were trotting by on the way to the cafeteria. One little lad of about three or four stopped and looked at him in his clerical clothes and asked, Why do you dress funny?
He told him he was a priest and this is the uniform priests wear.
Then the boy pointed to the priests plastic collar tab and asked, Do you have an owie?
The priest was perplexed till he realized that to him the collar tab looked like a band aid. So the priest took it out and handed it to the boy to show him. On the back of the tab are raised letters giving the name of the manufacturer.
The little guy felt the letters, and the priest asked, Do you know what those words say?
Yes I do, said the lad who was not old enough to read. Peering intently at the letters he said, Kills ticks and fleas up to six months!
What do Tommy Lee and Saddam Hussein have in common?
Theyre both well hung!
(A JakesJokes.com original…)
Tax time is on the way, which is why this one is coming your way
This 50 year old man was in the hospital awaiting news about the availability of a heart for his transplant, when he was offered the heart of a 28 year old marathon runner who just died in an accident. He turned that heart down.
The next day, he was offered a heart from a 35 year old construction worker, who fell to his death. He did not accept that heart either.
Several days later he agreed to take the heart of a 50 year old IRS (Internal Revenue Service) auditor and the surgery was performed. (NOTE; for those not in the U.S., the IRS is the Tax Collecting agency).
After the man awoke, they asked him why he turned down two perfectly good hearts to select the one he did. His reply was, I wanted one that had never been used.
YES, IM A BAD AMERICAN
by George Carlin
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am George Carlin, a BAD American.
I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary, be it Democratic or Republican.
Im in touch with my feelings and I like it that way, damn it!
I think owning a gun doesnt make you a killer, it makes you a smart American.
I think being a minority does not make you noble or victimized, and does not entitle you to anything.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you should do it in English.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I think that being a student doesnt give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4 years plus, of college, you havent begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God when and where they want to.
My heroes are John Wayne, Babe Ruth, Roy Rogers, and whoever canceled Jerry Springer.
I dont hate the rich. I dont pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I dont waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when Im freezing my ass off during these long winters and paying, paying, paying?
Ive never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didnt wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I havent burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you! So, Shut The Hell Up Already.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if youre running from them.
I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if youre breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I dont want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation in the world for the next four years.
I dislike those people standing i
Johns girlfriend had long been complaining that she wasnt getting
satisfied, because his dick was too short. And now she had announced
that she was going to leave him, and find a bigger guy. John didnt
think he could stand to lose her, since everything else about their
relationship was wonderful. He begged her to stay with him a little
longer, and he promised hed figure out something.
She agreed to give him a week. In desperation, John went to see a
doctor, to ask if there was anything that could be done. At first, the
doctor said no, there really wasnt anything that could be done. When
John wasnt convinced, the doctor said well, maybe the new experimental
… no, better not even consider that. It was too new, and there wasnt
enough information about what might go wrong.
John wasnt having any of that. He said he was desperate, and hed try
anything, if it would give him a longer penis. After some argument, the
doctor agreed to send him to the university hospital for the operation,
which consisted of attaching the end of a baby elephants trunk to his
penis, but repeated that he definitely didnt recommend this operation
and wouldnt take any responsibility for the results.
John had the operation, it was a success, and within the week, John was
ready to put his new tool to work. He was really going to surprise his
girlfriend with this thing. Shed be delighted–it was really big!
First he took her out to a fancy restaurant, and they had a perfect
meal. As they were finishing up dinner, John got a devilish idea. He
unzipped his fly under the tablecloth, and took it out. Then, before
he knew what was happening, this penis snaked up over the edge of the
table, and started feeling around. It found a hard roll, and with a
little sniffing sound, grabbed the roll, and zipped back under the
tablecloth.
Johns girlfriend was delighted! Can you do that again? she asked.
John replied, Uh, I think so, but I dont think my ass can take another
one of those rolls.
She replied, Yes, dear, but I was in love and didnt notice.