Old and New Jokes

A man went out drinking with his friends and came home the next morning to find his wife waiting for him.

He apologized for worrying her but proceeded to tell her that he had been in the most elegant bar in the world! Everything was gold.. the carpets, the glasses, the cutlery, the curtains and even the urinal. Here… I have a book of matches in my pocket. Phone if you dont believe me.

The incredulous wife did just that and asked the manager, Is everything in your establishment really gold?

Yes, he replied, everything is gold colored.

Even the urinal? she queried.

The manager put his hand over the phone and said to his bartender, This is the wife of that guy who relieved himself in the tuba last night.

Después de una larga travesía, dos marineros llegan al puerto y lo primero que hacen es dirigirse al bar a tomarse unos tragos. Al rato de estar, el dueño del bar dice:

Ahora damos inicio al show… 2,000 pesos al que haga llorar al gran elefante!

Pasan varios y los intentos son en vano. Entonces un marinero le dice al otro: Esos 2000 pesos son míos.

Sale el marino a la calle, busca dos hermosas piedras y regresa donde el gran elefante y se le pone de frente con las piedras en las manos levantadas, enseñándoselas… se va detrás del elefante y le pega en los huevos como si estuviera con platillos… resultado, el gran elefante era una mar de llanto… el escándalo, el dueño afligido… qué barbaridad, me lisiaste a mi elefante, toma y no regreses…

Al cabo de varios años, regresa el mismo marino al mismo puerto y se dirige al bar, entra y está el mismo show del gran elefante… da inicio y dice el dueño: 4000 al que haga decir al gran elefante primero SI y despues NO.

Entonces nuestro marinero dice: esos 4000 son míos…

Pero apenas se levanta, el dueño lo encara y le dice que él no por que la última vez le ocasionó mucho daño al elefante.

No se preocupe, no le haré ningún daño.

Sale a la calle, recoge dos hermosas piedras, una en cada mano, se pone enfrete del gran elefante y le dice: Elefantito… te acordás de mi… y el elefante asustado levanta el moco y sacude la cabeza indicando Sí.

¿Querrés que te lo vueva hacer?

Y el elefante sacude la cabeza: ¡NOOOO!

Este era un negro al que la naturaleza había armado con una lanza tan grande como la de un caballero andante. Por su naturaleza superdotada, el negro desarrolló la manía de ser muy cogelón. Cuando acabó de tirarse a todas la mujeres de la comarca, el hombre siguió con todo tipo de animales de sangre caliente, machos y hembras. Ya todo el mundo le tenía miedo, hasta las burras, y todo el mundo lo llama el negro cogelón.

Pues un día lo atropelló el tren y murió. Con eso se fue al cielo, donde San Pedro al ver sus antecedentes, lo mandó directo al infierno. El negro rogó y rogó, pero nada, San Pedro firme en su sentencia, lo mandó al infierno.

Pasaron los días, las semanas y los meses, y San Pedro había olvidado al negro cogelón. Pero un día de agosto, en pleno verano, San Pedró sintió que el clima cambiaba bruscamente. Empezó a soplar un aire gélido. Se abrigó y buscó de donde venía ese viento, y no lo podía creer, el viento se originaba por los lares del infierno.

Pidió permiso a Dios y se fue a explorar la causa del frío. Ciertamente en la medida que se acercaba al infierno, todo era frío, vio escarcha, ríos congelados, y esto fue peor cuando finalmente llegó al infierno. Ya no había lava, ni fuego, ni había olor a azufre, en su lugar se veía una niebla espesa y el frío emanaba de todo objeto sólido. Y dentro de la niebla divisó a todos los diablos de espalda contra la pared, tratando de tomar el sol, pero éste no lo lograba penetrar la niebla. En medio de todos estaba Satán, el rey del infierno, dando diente con diente y friccionándose las manos pretendía darse calor.

¿Y por qué hay tanto frío? preguntó San Pedro.

Por tu culpa, respondió Satán.

¿Cómo que por mi culpa?, por favor explícate, dijo San Pedro.

Pues desde que mandaste al negro cogelón nadie se quiere agachar a recoger leña y carbón para los hornos del infierno…

Why is a lawyer worse than a tapeworm?

because a lawyer continues sucking you even when you are dead!

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, Say, father, what causes arthritis?

Mister, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.

Well Ill be. the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. Im very sorry. I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?

I dont have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.

Q:why did hitler kill himself after world war two?


A:because he got the gas bill

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, Look, buddy, Ill bring ya martinis all night long – but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.

The customer replies, Im peeking at a photo of my wife… When she starts to look good, I know its time to go home.

Here are some important management lessons that many of us have had to learn the hard way…

Lesson Number One

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day.

A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?

The crow answered: Sure, why not.

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I havent got the energy.

Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings? replied the bull. Theyre packed with nutrients.

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.

Lesson Number Three

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, I should be Boss because I control the whole bodys responses and functions.

The feet said, We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.

The hands said, We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.

And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!

Management Lesson: You dont need brains to be Boss. Any asshole will do!

Lesson Number Four

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him!

Management Lessons:

1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3. When youre in deep shit, keep your mouth shut!

Besides I love you, what three words does a wife want to hear most?

Ill fix it.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, And what starting salary were you looking for? The Engineer said, In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package. The interviewer said, Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years — say, a red Corvette? The Engineer sat up straight and said, Wow! Are you kidding? And the interviewer replied, Yeah, but you started it.