Old and New Jokes

You have sworn on your mothers grave while she is standing beside you.

You refer to your cousin as my girlfriend.

You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. Of course, my son, said the priest.

Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.



Thats a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess, said the priest.



Its worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors, continued the old man.



Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly, said the priest.



Thanks, Father, said the old man.; Thats a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?



Of course, my son, said the priest. The old man asked, Do I need to tell her that the war is over?

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean…)



10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in Deliverance.)



9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. (I dont want to do my Dad.)



8. Im not attracted to you in that way. (You are the ugliest dork Ive ever laid eyes upon.)



7. My life is too complicated right now. (I dont want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys Im seeing.)



6. Ive got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerrys.)



5. I dont date men where I work. (I wouldnt date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)



4. Its not you, its me. (Its you.)



3. Im concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)



2. Im celibate. (Ive sworn off only the men like you.)



1. Lets be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. Its that male perspective thing.)



Now the male perspective on the same issue:



Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean…)



10. I think of you as a sister. (Youre ugly.)



9. Theres a slight difference in our ages. (Youre ugly.)



8. Im not attracted to you in that way. (Youre ugly.)



7. My life is too complicated right now. (Youre ugly.)



6. Ive got a girlfriend. (Youre ugly.)



5. I dont date women where I work. (Youre ugly.)



4. Its not you, its me. (Youre ugly.)



3. Im concentrating on my career. (Youre ugly.)



2. Im celibate. (Youre ugly.)



1. Lets be friends. (Youre sinfully ugly.)

Lesson Number One



A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit



saw the crow, and asked him, Can I also sit like you and do



nothing all day long?



The crow answered: Sure, why not. So, the rabbit sat on the ground



below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped



on the rabbit and ate it.



Moral of the story:



To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high



up.





Lesson Number Two



A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get



to the top of that tree, sighed the turkey, but I havent got the



energy. Well, why dont you nibble on some of my droppings?



replied the bull. Theyre packed with nutrients. The turkey



pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough



strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after



eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a



fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon



he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the



tree.



Moral of the story:



Bullshit might get you to the top, but it wont keep you there.



Lesson Number Three



When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The



brain said, I should be Boss because I control the whole bodys



responses and functions. The feet said, We should be Boss as we



carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go. The hands



said, We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all



the money. And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and



the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up.



All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So



the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.



Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the



feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain



fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the



Boss, so the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the



work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit!



Moral of the story:



You dont need brains to be a Boss – any asshole will do.





Lesson Number 4



There was a fly buzzing around a barn one day when he happened on a



pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since his last



meal, he flew down and began to eat. He ate and ate and ate. Finally,



he decided he had eaten enough and tried to fly away. He had eaten



too much though, and could not get off the ground. As he looked



around wondering what to do now, he spotted a pitchfork leaning up



against the wall. He climbed to the top of the handle and jumped off,



thinking that once he got airborne, he would be able to take flight.



Unfortunately, he was wrong and dropped like a rock, splatting when



he hit the floor. Dead.



The moral to the story is: Never fly off the handle when you know



youre full of shit.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two, one to screw it in, and another to repent.

Your name must be Daisy, because I have the incredible urge to plant you right here!
Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, lets go screw.
Just call me milk, Ill do your body good.
Your bodys name must be visa, because its everywhere I want to be.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.
I may not be the best looking guy here, but Im the only one talking to you.
My love for you is like the energizer bunny, it keeps going and going …
That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, Id be coming too.
Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, Ill be your Burger King, you treat me right, and Ill do it your way right away.
Id like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like to tinker around with.
You must be from Pearl Harbor, cause baby youre the Bomb -diggity.
If you were a new hamburger at McDonalds, you would be McGorgeous.
Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
Im a bird watcher and Im looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Wanna Play House? You be the screen door and Ill slam you all night long.
If youre going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Oh, Im sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.
Guy Would you like to dance?

Girl I dont care for this song and surely wouldnt dance with you.

Guy Im sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants
Excuse me, do you have your phone number, Ive seem to have lost mine.
I look good on you.
Im new in town, could I have directions to your house.

Because they irritate the crap out of you!

You have just received the Reneck Virus. Because we dont use electricity, we dont have any computers or programming experience, so this virus works on the honor system.

Please delete all the files from your hard drive and then manually forward this virus to everyone on your mailing list. Thank you for your cooperation and….. God bless you.

The Computer Engineering Department.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a computer?

A: You only have to punch information into a computer once!

1. Cover your stump before you hump.

2. Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.

3. Dont be silly, protect your willy.

4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.

5. Dont be a loner, cover your boner.

6. You cant go wrong if you shield your dong.

7. If youre not going to sack it, go home and whack it.

8. If you think shes spunky, cover your monkey.

9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.

10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.

11. She wont get sick if you wrap your dick

12. If you go into heat, package your meat.

13. While youre undressing venus, dress up that penis.

14. When you take off her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse.

15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.

16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

17. Dont be a fool, vulcanize your tool.

18. The right selection! Protect your erection.

19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.

20. A crank with armor will never harm her.

21. If yo really love her, wear a cover.

22. Dont make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.

23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.

24. If you cant shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.

25. No glove, No love.

26. Dont be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.

27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.

28. Even though youre tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee.

29. You know you shouldy wear a condom on that woody.