Old and New Jokes

A HAM AND CHEESE SAMWHICH WALKS IN A BAR A GOS UP TO THE BAR TENDER AND ASKS FOR A DRINK AND THE BAR TENDER SAYS SORRY WE DONT SEVIRE FOOD.

Este era un tipo tan odioso que nadie lo soportaba.

Un dia suena el telefono de un Doctor y al otro lado de la línea se oye:

Doctor, tiene que ayudarme, me ha salido algo muy feo.

El Doctor contesta:

Como no señor, lo espero en mi consultorio para examinarlo.

Al cabo de unas horas entra al consultorio el odioso con un horrible sapo pegado en la cara.

El Doctor le pregunta:

¿Pero cómo le paso esto señor?

A lo que el sapo contesta:

No sé, Doctor, yo estaba muy tranquilo y de repente me salió esta chingadera en el culo.

El día de recreo en el convento, todas la monjitas se peleaban. En eso la madre superiora pregunta:

¿Qué es lo que está pasando?

Las monjitas responden que una de ellas no le prestaba la bicicleta a las demás. La madre superiora, enojada por lo que sucedía dice:

¡No se peleen más, porque si no le pongo el asiento!

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open. — Groucho Marx

– They dont know the words.

While leading the Friday evening services, the Rabbi noticed a member of the congregation, Bernie, walk in with a St. Bernard dog. The Rabbi, horrified, asked the Cantor to continue the service and went to talk to Bernie.

Rabbi: What are doing here with a dog?

Bernie: The dog came here to pray.

Oh, come on. says the Rabbi.

YES! says Bernie.

Rabbi: I dont believe you. You are just fooling around; thats not a proper thing to do in temple.

Bernie: Its true!

Ok, says the Rabbi (thinking he would call Bernies bluff), then show me what the dog can do.

OK says Bernie nodding to the dog … The dog proceeds to open up the barrel under his neck and removes a yarmulke, a tallis (puts them on his head) and prayer book and actually starts saying prayers in Hebrew! The Rabbi is so shocked he listens for a full 15 minutes.

When the Rabbi regains his composure, he is so impressed with the quality of the praying he says to Bernie. Do you think your dog would consider going to Rabbinical school???

Bernie, throwing up his hands in disgust says, YOU TALK TO HIM! He wants to be a doctor!

How do crazy people get through the forest?

They take the psycho path.

Saint Peter stood at the Pearly Gates of Heaven as three men stood in line waiting to enter. Saint Peter said to the first man in line, Before I let you in, I have to ask you a question. What was your I.Q.?

The man answered, 180. Saint Peter replied, What were you? A rocket scientist? Yes, sir, the man answered. Okay, go on in, said Saint Peter.

The next man came up to Saint Peter. Peter asked the same question of him. 160, replied the second man. What were you, a brain surgeon? Peter asked the man. Yes, sir. He was allowed in, too.

The third man came forward and was asked the same question. 68, he replied. Well. said Saint Peter. Did you get your deer?

System 7 is like going out on a bad date. Your date is expensive and at
the end of the night you dont even get a good-night kiss.

DOS is like going out with an ugly girl except you know what your up
against, so you can work around it.

Windows is like going out with the same ugly girl but this time she is
wearing make-up.

Linux is like going out with an ugly girl but you tell all your friends
she is pretty.

Unix is like going out with a ugly girl but she is good in bed.

OS/2 is like going out with a beautiful girl but you have to be well
endowed to get anywhere.

NeXT is like going out with a super model only to find out she speaks
another language and only she knows that language.

VMS is like going out with your Mom.

Chicago is like going out on a blind date. All your friends hype her up
and say that she is better than anyone else you have dated but in the end she
turns out to be ugly.

NT is like trying going out with snobby girl. No matter how endowed and
rich you are, it is not enough to get her to go out with you.

The trash can gets taken out once in a while.