Old and New Jokes

A man was sitting in a bar and noticed a group of people using sign language. He also noticed that the bartender was using sign language to speak to them.

When the bartender returned to him, the man asked how he had learned to use sign language. The bartender explained that these were regular customers and had taught him to speak in sign. The man thought that was great.

A few minutes later the man noticed that the people in the group were waving their hands around very wildly. The bartender looked over and signed Now cut that out! I warned you! and threw the group out of the bar.

The man asked why he had done that and the bartender said, If I told them once I told them 100 times – NO SINGING IN THE BAR!

Real programmers print only clean compiles.

Did monkeys invent the monkey wrench?

Why couldnt the bicycle stand up?

Because it was two-tired.

PANDA WALKS INTO A BAR…

A panda walked into a bar and went up to the barman and said: I want a steak and kidney pie and a Coke please. The barman took his order and the Panda went to sit down at a table. Soon, a waiter took over the meal, the Panda gobbled it up, thanked, tipped the waiter and paid his bill.

All seemed normal until the Panda pulled out a gun from the depths of his fur, pulled the trigger and BANG! shot the waiter dead.

The barman rushed over and said: Argh!! You just shot my friend!!! The Panda calmly replied: Do you know what I am? Of Course I do, the barman answered, youre a Panda! Good, the Panda replied, now go home and look me up in the dictionary. And with that, the Panda walked out of the bar.

The barman was a little unsure, but he was very eager to be enlightened on the subject of his friends murder, so he went home to find his dictionary and after a while he found panda and quickly read the definition…

PANDA: 1. A black and white bear native to China. Eats shoots and leaves

A mans house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.

He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.

Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.

Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.

Then he goes back in 3 more times without bringing out anybody or anything.

So a bystander is curious and asks him, Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?

The man replies, Im turning over my mother in law.

An old lady sits on her front porch, rocking away the last days of her long life, when all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appears and informs her that she will be granted three wishes.Well, now, says the old lady, I guess I would like to be really rich. *** POOF *** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold.And, gee, I guess I wouldnt mind being a young, beautiful princess. *** POOF *** She turns into a beautiful young woman.Your third wish? asks the fairy godmother. Just then the old womans cat wanders across the porch in front of them. Ooh – can you change him into a handsome prince? she asks. *** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear, Bet youre sorry you had me neutered.

Told by my new General Sales Manager…

Q: Why are the flags at the Post Office at half staff?

A: Theyre hiring….

This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, What man out there will buy a lady a drink?

The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!

The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down. After shes completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit, saying, What man out there will buy a lady a drink?

Once again the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, Bartender! Id like to buy the ballerina another drink!

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and says, Its your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?

The drunk replies, Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!

With Holloween coming this weekend, I figured Id get my part started right with …

93-year-old Senator Strom Thurmond dressed as Tarzan wearing a Medicare badge.
A tobacco lobbyist dressed as a beggar (There goes your campaign financing, Congressman).
Al Gore Disco Fever costume.
Attorney General Janet Reno dressed as Charles Manson.
Evil British nanny.
Flaming Tofu Burrito from Hell on a Stick.
Guy who ate too much Olestra.
Hillary Clinton dressed as Madonna dressed as Evita.
Jacko-Lantern.
Janet Renos Little French Maid Outfit.
Marge Schotts less attractive, slightly more racist sister
Marv Albert, Warrior Princess.
Mighty Menstruatin Power Ranger.
Pat Buchanan dressed as Detective Mark Fuhrman.
Positive Home Pregnancy Test.
President Jesse Helms.
Ralph Nader dressed as, well, Ralph Nader.
Redskins quarterback Gus Ferrotte dressed as Jack Kemp.
Representative Newt Gingrich dressed as Dr. Kevorkian.
Senator Ted Chappaquiddick Kennedy dressed as a taxi driver.
Vice President Al Gore dressed as Tipper Gore.