Eclipse e-klips: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper i-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes hee-rhos: What a guy in a boat does.
28
May
28
May
Three women, a Brunette, a Red Head, and a Blonde worked together at an office. Every day they noticed that their boss, Ms. Taylor, left work a little early. So one day they met together and decided that when their boss left, they would all leave early too. The next day, when their boss left, they did too. The Brunette went home and straight to bed so could get an early start the next morning. The Red Head went home to get in a quick workout before her dinner date. The Blonde went home, walked into her bedroom, and saw her husband in bed with her boss. So she shut the door and left. The next day, the Brunette and the Red Head talked about going home early again. They ask the Blonde if she wants to leave early again. No, she says, yesterday I nearly got caught!
28
May
There are three things a man over 40 should never forget:
Never pass up the opportunity to take a leak. Never trust a fart. Never take a hard-on for granted.
28
May
A lady approaches a priest and tells him, Father, I have a problem. I bought these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.
What do they say?, the priest asked.
They only know how to say Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some FUN?
Thats terrible, the priest exclaimed, But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.
Thank you. said the lady.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests house. The priests two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, Hi, we are prostitutes Do you want to have some FUN?
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered.
28
May
A: None: A Real Woman would have plenty of real men around to do it.
28
May
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
Ill never do that again! he told his mother that evening. I didnt catch a thing!
Oh, next time Im sure shell be quiet and not scare the fish away, his mother said.
The boy said, It wasnt that. She ate all the bait.
28
May
An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.
The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak.
The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands …!
28
May
A delegation from the USA came to Norway, and after the grand reception and everything, asked to be taken to the monument of the unknown soldier.
The hosts became very confused, and didnt know what to do – they had no such thing – they feared a diplomatic incident!
Suddenly – one of the hosts said – follow me! So – desperate as they were – they did – they followed him. Suddenly – they came to a hill, on top of which there was a statue of Sibelius.
Puzzled, everyone asked him what was that supposed to be! and so he explained: Sibelius was very very famous as a composer, but as a soldier – he was completely unknown!
Before anybody decides to correct me if i m wrong – DONT CONFUSE ME WITH FACTS!
28
May
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.
A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, Maam, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?
Why, officer? asks the blonde.
Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed.
Oh my goodness, exclaims the blonde, I left my baby on the bus!
28
May
How to Go Insane At School
1. Change majors at least twice.
2. Live in a non-coed dorm for two (+) years.
3. Get infatuated with women who have little or no emotional warmth.
4. Drink heavily.
5. Change .plan weekly.
6. Take both ME and EE classes.
7. Time manage sponteneity.
8. Set record time on academic probation.
9. Solve PI to the last decimal place and/or
10. Predict female behavior.
11. Perform mind meld on chimp or humanities student.
12. Get a summer job normally reserved for recently paroled prisoners.
13. Look for a good party on Sunday night.
14. Analyze and worry about everything. (except what is important)
16. Constantly remind yourself that humour and a charming personality is better than money or looks. (yeah, right…)
17. Try real hard to be funny. (people look at you strangely anyway)
18. Do anything with a perfectionist.
19. Be as weird as possible. (I guess it comes naturally.)..
20. Send computer mail to uninterested parties…
21. Become so bored as to read textbooks in advance.
22. Procrastinate…
23. Have lots of attractive friends of the opposite sex that are seriously involved with someone else.
24. Continue being nice to people who could really care less…
25. Continue being mean to people who could really care less…
26. Assume that everyone tells the truth.
27. Listen to everyone elses advice.
28. Be a witness to every dysfunctional relationship to have ever existed.
29. Come up with a new .plan.
30. Withhold from screaming when you hear the phrase lets just be friends…
31. Ask a Jehovahs Witness: If Jesus were in the hospital and needed an operation, could he get a blood transfusion from God?
32. Listen to anything by Phillip Glass. (Youd swear the record was stuck…)
33. Try to believe that the new comics can compete with Art Gallery.
34. Try to calm down a type-A personality.
35. Think about the future… Graduation!!! Finally? Do I HAVE to leave?
36. Buy a personals paper and count the errors.
37. Believe Its better to burn out, rust never sleeps…
38. Count the minimum number of credits left to graduate.
39. Anticipate what youll REALLY be doing after graduation. (serious begging)
40. Convince someone (or yourself) that you enjoy engineering.
41. Start seeing marriage as an option.
42. Find a hobby, but never have enough time to make it enjoyable.
43. Dont burn your bridges…blow them to Hell.
44. Find apathy a desirable quality in a lover.
45. Make maximum effort for minimum results.
46. Live a day riding shotgun. (eg. youve just started whats due today…)
47. Alternate between completely opposite behaviors. (eg. Act different for different people.)
48. Second guess what people are REALLY trying to say.
49. Apologize for guessing wrong.
50. Abandon common sense in the name of fun.
51. Try to find someone with the answers.
52. Explain something you dont understand. (great for presentations)
53. Look for lost time.
54. Live with a sociopath.
55. Vomit so often from drinking that it hardly bothers you anymore.
56. Stay awake in your most boring class.
57. Pass up offers from attractive women to go out drinking because you have to study, then blow off studying anyway and sit at home alone.
58. Guess what your grades will be every week.
59. Figure out what youll need to get your grad index to a decent level.
60. Explain to someone what you enjoy and why.
61. Make fun of religion (realizing that youre damned)
62. Try to figure out why everyone you meet of the opposite sex either
A. doesnt interest you
B. you dont interest them
C. already has a love interest
D. is everyone elses love interest
E. all of the above.
63. Try to imagine what life would be like eithout bureacracy.
64. Conform.
65. Go to a video rental place with 2 or more friends. (…Ive SEEN that!!!)
66. Find out what parties are going on when you have homework backed up.
67. Make a Time Management card, then TRY to stick to it. (Ill sleep next week.)
68. Find some goals. (Ill stop procrastinating next week.)
69. Deny any bizzare sexual conquest. (There is always SOMEONE who knows…)
70. Discern differences in Homecoming/Grad Prix candidates.
71. Talk to a racist without getting angry or punching him out.
72. Have a crush on someone at least 1000 miles away.
73. Become a love hostage. (definition available).
74. Have low self-esteem wars.
75. Make up nick-names for everyone.
76. Chase someone without moving. (metaphoric statement)
77. Get a decent Halloween costume that hasnt been done a million times.
78. Make fun of Greeks, but try to go to their parties.
79. Figure out what makes you happy and avoid it.
80. Get to the point where nobody gives you advice anymore. (What am I going to do with you?; I dont know what to tell you.)
81. Try to have a rational conversation with someone whos in love.
82. Figure out how they could have made Batman better.
83. Live in fear of jealous (ex-) boyfriends of your female friends.
84. Having everything due (projects, tests, etc.) after a big party weekend.
85. Use your failing test scores as lottery numbers.
86. Compute what you HAVE to get on your finals to pass.
87. Flirt with soon-to-be-married friends.
88. Come up with gross nicknames for sororities: e.g. Smegma Kappa
89. Prove that Fraternity Man (does not)= Drunken Rapist.
90. Count your blessings and subtract them from your damnations.
91. Keep track of the soap opera of changing relationships.
92. Ask yourself Where the hell am I and how did I get HERE?
93. Keep making the same mistakes.
94. Spend at least a half hour a day looking for something in the house.
95. Avoid soon-to-be-divorced friends. (see #87)
96. Try to be taken seriously.
97. Make a good second impression. (given that youve blown the first)
98. Listen to your mother list eligible women (her friends daughters) and try to keep your stomach from turning.
99. Correct your answers on old finals.
100. Mire in self-pity about your dismal future.