Old and New Jokes

Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

Your birth announcement included the word rug rat.

Youve ever hitchhiked naked.

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, Id like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. Youll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you cant go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?

The first priest says, Ive always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.



So be it, says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.



The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, Will any of this week count, St. Peter?



No, I told you the computers down. Theres no way we can keep track of what youre doing.



In that case, says the second priest, Ive always wanted to be a stud.



So be it says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.



A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. Will you have any trouble locating them? He asks.



The first one should be easy, says St. Peter. Hes somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult.



Why? asketh the Lord.



Hes on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota.

Monica Lewinsky went in to a liposuction clinic to have her love handles removed . . .

they removed her ears.

Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!

How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

122. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, That was your mom. She said shed call back.

Yo mama so fat that Fat Albert turned her down.

A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, Now, what do I give them to drink?

Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse. One said to his friend, Im sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week. I understand that it was while you two were playing golf, and you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse! That must have been very hard for you, considering he weighed over two hundred pounds.Oh, carrying him wasnt that hard, said his friend, sadly. The difficult part was putting him down … and then having to pick him up again after every stroke.

An Indian dies and goes to Heaven. As is the custom he is met at the pearly gates and taken for a tour. He finally lands in Gods room. In front of God is a huge console with many red lamps.

Every time, his guide tells him, anyone lies on the Earth these lights flash.

Just as they spoke, all the lights on the console beginning to light up like crazy.

The Indian is puzzled. So many lies at the same time? he asks.

Yes, says his guide, there is an election rally in New Delhi.