If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.

Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is usually right.

Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success is always done in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there are no life-savers.

Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must pick between two evils, pick the one youve never tried before.

Change is inevidable – except from vending machines.

Dont sweat petty things, or pet sweaty thingss.

A fool and his money will soon be partying.

Money cant buy love – but it can rent a very close imitation.

Plan to be spontanious tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least its a scenic route.

Id kill for a Nobel Peace Prize…

Everyone repeat after me…we are all individuals…

Death to all fanatics!!

Dont be sexist – chicks hate that!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks…

Hard work pays off later – laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasles dont get sucked in jet engines

Borrow money from pessimists – they dont expect it back.

If at first you dont succeed, than skydiving definately is not for you.