Statement of fact (anti-English)

The alternative encyclopaedia of Scotland

E is for England

A small irrelevant country which, humourously, thinks itself important. The source of much jollity the world over, England is a strong contender for the Country You Most Love To Hate award. From Mandalay to Mauritius via Timbuktu and Tasmania, everyone hates England. Indeed, England has it within its grasp to bring about global unification just by declaring war on the world. Every nation on earth would unite in the fight.

Strange but true; the reason England thinks it is the centre of the universe is because it won the football {soccer in N America} World Cup in 1966. Though irritating, this would not have mattered too much if it had learned to shut up about it for five minutes. England also had an obscenely big empire which, again, was noteworthy only for how much it annoyed everyone else.

A common misconception is that England lost its empire because the uppity natives noticed they were being exploited. In fact it was because English commentators couldnt shut up about the World Cup that host nations decided enough was enough and set about shooting Englishmen in the hope that one was Bobby Charlton.

Undeterred, England persists with its delusions of adequacy but has a terrible inferiority complex about Scotland – and is unforgivably dismissive of its loving neighbour. It has gone down various plugholes – economic, cultural, football, you name it – but the plucky little English (often referred to as Sassenachs) still think the world admires them. You have to hand it to them; theyre barking mad.