100 Ways to annoy the pizza guy

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, Remember, we never had this conversation.
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and youre going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim Oh, just surprise me! and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallicas Master of Puppets CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say crazy bread.
15. Stutter on the letter p.
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Dominos, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker youre depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say Bed-Wetters Camp, right?
26. Start your order with Id like. . . . A little later, slap yourself and say No, I dont.
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say OK. Thatll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window.
28. Rent a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of pepperoni. Use the long i sound.
32. Have your pizza shaken, not stirred.
33. Say Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say Well, so is this! Youve got some explaining to do! When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, Do you know what its like to be lied to?
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order takers voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say What would you like? say, Huh? Oh, you mean now.
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say its your anniversary and youd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say youll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout Im through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say Where was I? Who are you?
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, No, theyll start fighting.
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didnt mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor hes fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like Great Caesars Ghost and Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town.
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, I shall not be swayed by your sweet words.
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say Again, with a little more OOMPH this time.
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say I wonder what THIS button on the phone does. Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting todays date and saying, This may be my last entry.
71. State your order and say thats as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if theyre familiar with the term spanking a pizza. Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say Kssssssssssssssht rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order takers psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebritys voice. Stress that you wont take any crap from some two-bit cant-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, Theres a bomb under your seat. When asked to repeat that, say I said sauce smothered with meat.
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say No mushrooms, please. Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say You just dont get it, do you?
84. When youge given the price, say Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math.
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say Will that be all?, snicker and say Well find out, wont we?
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word pizza. Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say Please dont mention that word.
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell OW! when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
98. Get takers name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so. Hang up.
99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

And finally, if any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, use this gem…

100. Say, in your best pouty voice, Last guy let me do it.