Old and New Jokes

15 – You spent Sunday night in jail for cow-tipping — with your Oldsmobile. 14 – Although armed with fire extinguishers, friends stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles. 13 – Thanks to you, Jack Daniels stock is up 15 1/4 since Friday. 12 – Boris Yeltsin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli. 11 – For some reason, theres salt on the rim of your basketball goal. 10 – Your name is Otis and Sheriff Andy has brought you some of Aunt Beas pancakes. 9 – For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you couldve bought the automobile. 8 – Youre now the proud inventor of the Slim Jim: Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam. 7 – Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer. 6 – Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle. 5 – Yet again, dry cleaner employees greet you with, Hey, its Vomit Man! 4 – The doorman asks for your I.D. just to see how long itll take you to find your pants. 3 – Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions. 2 – Worried friends call Monday morning to make sure you returned the goat. 1 – Youre now sober enough to realize Drink Canada Dry is a slogan and not a personal challenge.