The defendant who pleads his own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.

Q: Whats black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman pinscher.

Q: Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?

A: Because theyre used to doing all of their lying indoors.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, Lawyers are horses asses.

Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: Mister, watch what you say. Youre in horse country.

Q: What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

A: Nothing. There are some things a pig wont do.

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. I dont understand, Cindy complained. When people find out Im a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that? Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, Maybe it just saves time.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. Look, said one to the other, Lets be honest with each other.

Okay, you first, replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

All set back here, Captain, came the reply, except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?

Theres a big fire across the street, the doctor replied. We didnt want you to think the operation was a failure.

Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first. You have just witnessed a lawyer speaking to a judge.

Q: What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement

A: A whine cellar.

Q: Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are avocat in French)

A: Both have hearts like stones.

Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled. And when they land, they screw up everything forever.