ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION:

Youll be making under $7 an hour.

ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY:

Youll be making under $7 an hour; well be bankrupt in a year.

PROFIT-SHARING PLAN:

Once its shared between the higher-ups, there wont be a profit.

COMPETITIVE SALARY:

We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:

We have no time to train you; youll have to introduce yourself to your coworkers.

NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER:

Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we havent done anything innovative since.

IMMEDIATE OPENING:

The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. Were just now running the ad.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:

We dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up; although a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:

We have a lot of turnover.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:

Youll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:

Some time each night and some time each weekend.

FLEXIBLE HOURS:

Work 40 hours; get paid for 25.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL

We have no quality control.

COLLEGE DEGREE PREFERRED:

Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.

CAREER-MINDED:

Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:

If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:

Weve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:

Youre walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:

Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:

You whine, youre fired.

I KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH STRESSFUL SITUATIONS:

Im usually on Prozac. When Im not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.

I SEEK A JOB THAT WILL DRAW UPON MY STRONG COMMUNICATION &

ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS:

I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.

IM EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:

Ive used Microsoft Office.

IM HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:

I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:

I hope you dont ask me about all the McJobs Ive had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:

I blame others for my mistakes.

IM PERSONABLE:

I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

IM WILLING TO RELOCATE:

As I leave San Quentin, anywheres better.

IM EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:

I carry a Day-Timer.

MY BACKGROUND AND SKILLS MATCH YOUR REQUIREMENTS:

Youre probably looking for someone more experienced.

I AM ADAPTABLE:

Ive changed jobs a lot.

IM HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED:

The minute I find a better job. Im outta there.

I HAVE FORMAL TRAINING:

Im a college drop-out.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME AND CONSIDERATION:

Wait! Dont throw me away!

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU SOON:

Like, Im gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.