Cereal Killers

Last night, while grocery shopping, I found a rather unusual item on
the shelves. After filling my basket with Stouffers Yuppie Chow, I
strolled down the cereal aisle, where I saw several boxes of a substance
labeled Nintendo Cereal System. I suppose I shouldnt be surprised.
After all, cartoon characters have been endorsing cereals for years,
so why shouldnt Super Mario Brothers get into the act?

I see tremendous potential here. What better way for an organization
with a sociopolitical agenda to infiltrate the minds and stomachs of
Americans than to deliver its message at the breakfast table? I have
seen the future of public relations, and it is the gastronomic equivalent
of a sound bite. I, for one, would rather sit down to a bowl of
whale-shaped granola than receive another one of those envelopes from
Greenpeace marked, Animal Rights Survey Inside–Please Complete and
Return Within Ten Days.

Not surprisingly, I have a few ideas:

Golden Graham- |The key to a balanced diet. Need I say more?

Special KKK |Even white supremacists need their minimum daily
|requirement of riboflavin. Try it with some grits.

Sugar Frosted |The pro-choice cereal. Stays crunchy in milk (or
Fetuses |saline solution). Anti-abortionists will have to
|make do with a box of Life.

Mothers Against |Send in three proof-of-purchase seals and
Drunk Driving Oats |receive a free breathalyzer.

Rifle Krispies |Specially marked boxes contain armor-piercing
|bullets. Cereal doesnt kill people. People
|kill people.

Rocky Tobacco Road |Brought to you by the tobacco industry, this is
|the only cereal that simultaneously satisfies your
|cravings for chocolate and nicotine, so light up
|a bowl for breakfast. Also available in menthol.

Khokhomeini Puffs |Some third world marketeer could capitalize on this
|idea in the aftermath of the demise of everyones
|favorite mullah. Woe be to the infidels who fail
|to start their day with a bowl of little chocolate
|ayatollahs! Free Death to America decal inside!

In case youre wondering, I picked up a box of Product 19. As far
as I can tell, its the only cereal named after a prime number.

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