Damn good thing they dont have a union

[This is a throwaway piece I did for the Wells writers conference.
One of the participants was blocked on a characterization issue, and
stated that theyd lost contact with the characters. -Z]

Topic 1273 [writers]: HELP! I quit my job to become a writer. Whats Next?
#553 of 554: Stephan Zielinski (szielins) Mon Feb 24 97 (21:12) 47 lines

> How did you lose contact with your characters?

Well, what usually happens to me is they move and dont leave a
forwarding address.

Then, when I catch up to them again, they give me this *look*. Since
the last time we worked together, one said to me just the other day,
Ive met a wonderful woman, Ive got a good job, Ive got respect in
my community. When I was working with you, I spent all day poring
over ancient texts in languages I barely knew, and spent all night
running away from zombies. And when it was all done, I had nothing to
show for it but a half-dozen concealed weapons violations to answer
for in the Hall of Justice, and the bill from a therapist who thought
Id hallucinated the whole thing and should probably be

It wont be zombies this time, I said.

Oh, of course not. I know all about zombies now. Itll be something
else, probably that Ive never heard of. And Ill either lose my
girlfriend, when I start muttering under my breath, or worse shell
believe me and spend two months as a target.

Look, all this is negotiable. Let me introduce you to… hrm… an
ex-KGB emigre? A gun runner, so youll never have to worry about
running out of bullets again. Youll like her, shes a stunning
blonde, eyes as blue as the sea, endearing mole on the back of her

Come off it. Once we defeat the weresnails or whatever it is youve
got waiting in the wings, were supposed to settle down? Im an
archaeologist, for crying out loud. Shes supposed to give up her
gun-running ring and watch me dust off potshards for the rest of her

Well, you could show her the error of her ways.

Terrific. And what are we going to talk about over the Sunday paper?
My goodness, honey, it sure is terrific being able to spend time with
you without having to make sure Ive got a silver dagger where I can
reach it.

What could I say to convince you?

Im writing erotica now.

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