1. Smoke a pipe and respond to each point the professor makes by waving it

and saying, Quite right, old bean!

2. Wear X-Ray Specs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to focus the

overhead projector.

3. Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp

points.

4. Sit in the front and color in your textbook.

5. When the professor calls your name in roll, respond thats my name, dont

wear it out!

6. Introduce yourself to the class as the master of the pan flute.

7. Give the professor a copy of The Watchtower. Ask him where his soul would

go if he died tomorrow.

8. Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.

9. Leave permanent markers by the dry-erase board.

10. Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle

of lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask whether he was ever in an

episode of Starsky and Hutch.

11. Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says

no, rip the pages out of your textbook.

12. Become entranced with your first physics lecture, and declare your

intention to pursue a career in measurements and units.

13. Sing your questions.

14. Speak only in rhymes and hum the Underdog theme.

15. When the professor calls roll, after each name scream THATS MEEEEE!

Oh, no, sorry.

16. Insist in a Southern drawl that your name really is Wuchen Li. If you

actually are Chinese, insist that your name is Vladimir Fernandez OReilly.

17. Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.

18. Wear your pajamas. Pretend not to notice that youve done so.

19. Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters CHECK YOUR FLY.

20. Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang

cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.

21. Stare continually at the professors crotch. Occasionally lick your lips.

22. Address the professor as your excellency.

23. Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if hes been

drinking.

24. Shout WOW! after every sentence of the lecture.

25. Bring a mirror and spend the lecture writing Bible verses on your face.

26. Ask whether you have to come to class.

27. Present the professor with an enormous fruit-basket.

28. Feign an unintelligible accent and repeatedly ask, Vet ozzle haffen dee

henvay? Become agitated when the professor cant understand you.

29. Relive your Junior High days by leaving chalk stuffed in the chalkboard

erasers.

30. Watch the professor through binoculars.

The list continues below

31. Start a wave in a large lecture hall.

32. When the professor turns on his laser-pointer, scream AAAGH! MY EYES!

33. Correct the professor at least ten times on the pronunciation of your

name, even if its Smith. Claim that the i is silent.

34. Sit in the front row, reading the professors graduate thesis and snickering.

35. As soon as the first bell rings, regardless of the class subject,

volunteer to put a problem on the board. Ignore the professors

reply and proceed to do so anyway.

36. Claim that you wrote the class textbook.

37. Claim to be the teaching assistant. If the real one objects, jump up and

scream IMPOSTER!

38. Spend the lecture blowing kisses to other students.

39. Every few minutes, take a sheet of notebook paper, write Sign-up Sheet

# at the top, and start passing it around the room.

40. Stand to ask questions. After the professor answers, bow deeply before

taking your seat.

41. Interrupt every few minutes to ask the professor, Can you spell that?

42. Disassemble your pen. Accidentally propel pieces across the room while

playing with the spring. Go on furtive expeditions to retrieve the pieces.

Repeat.

43. Wink at the professor every few minutes.

44. In the middle of lecture, ask your professor whether he believes in ghosts.

45. Laugh heartily at everything the professor says. Snort when you laugh.

46. Wear a black hooded cloak to class, and ring a bell.

47. Every time a professor mentiones a name, ask Did he have any children?

48. Ask your math professor to pull the roll chart above the blackboard of

ancient Greek trade routes down farther, because you cant see Macedonia.