26
Sep

Moms Dictionary



Adults
Group of people Mom longs to communicate with after several hours of talking in small words about topics like who touched who first.

Airplane
What Mom impersonates to get a 1-yr.-old to eat strained beets.

Alien
What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

Apple
Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.

Baby
1. Dad, when he gets a cold.

2. Moms youngest child, even if hes 42.

Bathroom
A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.

Because
Moms reason for having kids do things which cant be explained logically.

Bed and Breakfast
Two things the kids will never make for themselves.

Carpet
Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean mud off
shoes.

Car Pool
Complicated system of transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar.

China
Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who love leftover vegetables.

Cook
1. Act of preparing food for consumption.

2. Moms other name.

Couch Potato
What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner.

Date
Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the
kids in a different setting.

Drinking Glass
Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

Dust
Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a
battle zone.

Dust Rags
See Dads Underwear.

Ear
A place where kids store dirt.

Eat
What kids do between meals, but not at them.

Empty Nest
See Wishful Thinking.

Energy
Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until
asked to do something.

Excuse Me
One of Moms favorite phrases, reportedly used in past
times by children.

Eye
The highly susceptible optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be
put out by anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled
butter knife.

Fable
A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

Food
The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question Whats
for dinner tonight? See Sarcasm.

Frozen
1. A type of food.

2. How hell will be when Mom lets her daughter date an older guy with a motorcycle.

Garbage
A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mom
assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing
herself.

Geniuses
Amazingly, all of Moms kids.

Gum
Adhesive for the hair.

Hamper
A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by, but not
containing, dirty clothing.

Handi-Wipes
Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.

Hands
Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and
sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the
evening meal.

Hindsight
What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.

Homemade Bread
An object of fiction like the Fountain of Youth and the
Golden Fleece.

Ice
Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if
kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them
back in the freezer empty.

Inside
That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids once Mom
has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them ready to go outside.

I Said So
Reason enough, according to Mom.

Jackpot
When all the kids stay at friends homes for the night.

Jeans
Which, according to kids, are appropriate for just about any
occasion, including church and funerals.

Jeeeeeeeez!
Slang for Gee Mom, isnt there anything else you can do
to embarrass me in front of my friends?

Joy Ride
Going somewhere without the kids.

Junk
Dads stuff.

Ketchup
The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that
Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just
right.

Kiss
Mom medicine.

Lake
Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his friends
do so.

Lemonade Stand
Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered
mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs,
pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net
a profit of 15 cents.

Lie
An exaggeration Mom uses to transform her childs paper-mache
volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment and a
full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

Losers
See Kids Friends.

Makeup
Lipstick, eyeliner, blush,etc. which ironically make Mom look
better while making her young daughter look like a tramp.

Maybe
No.

Milk
A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once its
turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

Mommmmmmmm!
The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.

Mush
1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.

2. Main element of Moms favorite movies.

Nails
A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can never
have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening
stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve army men
and/or doll clothing.

Panic
What a mother goes thru when the darn wind-up swing stops.

Ocean
What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for kids,
assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen toy
boats, cars and animals.

Open
The position of childrens mouths when they eat in front of
company.

Overstuffed Recliner
Moms nickname for Dad.

Penitentiary
Where children who dont eat their vegetables or clean
their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

Pets
Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will have
someone else to clean up after.

Piano
A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of
dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will refuse
to play in front of company.

Purse
A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys she can
never find because theyre buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic
container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy
bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated
coupons.

Quiet
A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of
the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for
college.

Raincoat
Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry and warm,
rendered ineffective because its in the bottom of a locker stuffed in a
book bag or because the child refuses to wear the geeky thing.

Refrigerator
Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the
kitchen.

Room Mother
A position of great honor and responsibility bestowed on a
mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

School Play
Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching
offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic
events.

Screaming
Home P.A. system.

Snowsuits
Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and
snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the
cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.

Soap
A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her
kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

Spit
All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids faces.

Spoiled Rotten
What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.

Sweater
Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward away colds,
and even pneumonia.

Sunday Best
Attractive, expensive childrens clothing made of a fabric
which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

Teacher Conference
A meeting between Mom and that person who has yet to
understand her childs special needs.

Terrible Twos
Having both kids at home all summer.

That Way
How kids shouldnt look at moms if they know Whats good for
them. Also applies to how they talk.

Towels
See Floor Coverings

Tramp
A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

Trouble
Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.

Umpteenth
Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mom must
instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.

Underwear
An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the
wearer will never have an accident.

Utopia
See Bubble Bath

Vacation
Where you take the family to get away from it all, only to
find it there, too.

Vitamins
Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to swallow each
morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be Just
like Daddy.

Walls
Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with every room.

Washing Machine
Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent
ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.

When Your Father Gets Home
Standard measurement of time between crime and punishment.

XOXOXOXO
Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing
note in a kids lunch box even more mortifying.

Xylophone
Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts to children
who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing constantly, over
and over, all day long. See also Drums

Yard Sale
Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans to sell
kids outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are
treasured mementos she cant bear to part with.

Yippee!
What Mom would jump up and shout if the school year was
changed to 12 months. See also Yahoo!

Zillion
Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket already
this week.

Zucchini
Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before
kids refuse to eat it.

Most viewed Jokes (20)