Rules of the Southern Lifestyle

All good Southerners already know these, but in fairness to those Yankees who were dumb enough to stay down here:
1. Dont order a steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hrs a day, so let them cook something they know. 2. Dont laugh at peoples names. Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Mari Beth, and Inez have all been known to whip a mans ass for less than that. 3. Dont order a bottle of pop or a can of soda — this can lead to a merciless beating. Down South its called Coke, even if you want a Pepsi. 4. Dont show allegiances to any college football squad that isnt an SEC team. All the others are a bunch of candy asses who get to play Wyoming every week. 5. Dont refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. Many of us are/have been more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner), better educated, and generally much nicer to boot. Weve got plenty of business sense (e.g.Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, and Netscape). Naturally, we can have lapses of judgment from time to time (e.g. Clinton, Fordice, Duke). We dont care if you think were dumb, we know better! 6. We are fully aware that the humidity is high. Quit your bitching, spend your money, and leave. 7. Dont order wheat toast at the Cracker Barrel. If you do this, everyone will know youre from Ohio. Eat the biscuits like God intended and for goodness sake, dont put sugar in your grits. 8. Dont attempt to fake a Southern accent. Nothing will incite a riot faster. 9. Dont go around talking about how much better it is back home. If you dont like it here, take your Yankee ass back home. 10. We dont play lacrosse, hockey or any of those other sissy ass Northern games, so dont ask about the scores. We…simply…dont…care. 11. We know how to speak proper English, we talk this way because we want to and we can. Its like playing jazz, you have to know how to do it right first. 12. Last, but by no means least…DO NOT try to tell us how to Bar-B-Q. This could lead to permanent expulsion and revocation of your work visa. Consider yourself just damn lucky that we let you come down here in the first place. Dont push your luck!

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