Tons of Funny One-liners!

More One-liners worth passing on…

Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.

In two words I can sum up everything Ive learned about life. S$$T HAPPENS!.

Accept than some days youre the pigeon, and some days youre the statue.

The best vitamin for making friends: B1.

If you cant be the tablecloth, dont be the dishrag.

I dont have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who havent got the guts to bite people themselves.

Im not just a gardener, Im a Plant Manager.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Youre slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.

Id give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

There are two rules for ultimate success in life: (1) Never tell everything you know.

Tell me what you need, and Ill tell you how to get along without it.

Someday well look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Theres no real need to do housework — after four years it doesnt get any worse.

There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

Youll never be the man your mother was!

Drive defensively. Buy a tank.

Dont hate yourself in the morning — sleep till noon.

Good news is just lifes way of keeping you off balance.

Dont cook tonight — starve a rat today!

God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.

Most viewed Jokes (20)