Why should I upgrade to Windows 95?
Because of the size of Microsoft, and its influence on the American
economy, its crucial that all PC users buy Windows 95. If this doesnt
happen, the dollar will fall further against the yen, unemployment will
rise, the deficit will increase, interest rates will skyrocket, the
market will crash, and well be plunged into another world war.
Besides, Bill Gates says you should.
What about long filenames?
Ha ha. Cant believe you fell for this one. Sure you can create long
filenames, which are then immediately truncated to an eight character
string, for old times sake. When you go to look for your file, the
operating system matches a random sampling of letters with the
filenames it has stored. Good luck finding your file.
Does Windows 95 offer true multitasking?
Yes. Its called Interactive Multitasking, meaning you can work on
other tasks while waiting for your computer to reboot each time Win95 crashes.
What does 32-bit mean?
Colloquially, 2 bits means 25 cents (as in Shave and a haircut, two
bits). So 32 bits is $4, or the amount it costs Microsoft to make
something for which theyll charge you $89.
Can Windows 95 really work with only 4 MB of RAM as Microsoft
claims?
Its true! However, we caution you not to try to run any programs
under this configuration. In fact, its best if you dont turn the
machine on at all.
Why did the Justice Department allow Windows 95 to ship with access
to Microsoft Network?
The Justice Department was mysteriously gifted several million shares
of Microsoft stock by an anonymous donor and now has a stake in
Microsofts eternal success.
Why would I want to sign up for Microsoft Network?
You wont have a choice. Windows 95 manipulates your monitors
refresh rate to flash subliminal messages on your screen suggesting that
you sign up for MSN. In this hypnotic state, youll do anything they say.
Anything they say. Anything they say…
How do I get support?
In anticipation of the flood of customer support calls, Microsoft has
contracted with city agencies across the country for their services. If
you need assistance for Win95, just dial 911.
But doesnt Windows 95 come with some cool features, like a trash
can on the desktop?
Wow. How… innovative of them.
Didnt Windows 95 have another name?
Yes. Macintosh 89.