Three leprechauns, Sean, Mick and Kevin, are sitting in the pub getting quietly pissed when Mick shouts out, Jaysus, Im bored wid bein a feckin nobody. Im tinkin Ill take meself down to de Guinness Book of Records office and get meself entered in de book.

What de hell are ye talkin about, ye eejit? Youve dun nuttin to get in de book for, says Sean.

Well, its me hands, Sean, Mick says, waving them around. I tink dey are de smallest in de world and Im gonna get meself entered into de book and Ill be world famous.

The other two agree that they are quite small and they all carry on drinking heartily.

A little while later Kevin pipes up, Ya know Mick, if ye can get into de Guinness Book of Records for yer small hands, so can I.

The other two smirk at each other and Mick says, How can ye have de smallest hands in the world if Ive got dem, ya bloody fool?

Kevin replies, Its not me hands, Mick, its me feet, and he takes his boots to show them. I tink dat dey are de smallest feet in de world and Im gonna get meself entered into de Guinness Book of Records too.

The other two agree that they are quite small and with that they all go back to their drinking.

Some time later Sean chimes in, Well, if youse two can get into de Guinness Book of Records, I can too.

The others fall about laughing.
What de feck have you got dats so feckin interesting? cries Sean.
Its me dick, he says and pulls down his breeches to show them. They both howl with laughter as Sean pulls out his little willy.

Jaysus, yeve got the best chance of us all, Sean, says Kevin. Days the smallest feckin dick I ever saw, and with that they all go back to their drinking.

Later on, full to the gills, they are heading home when, out of the corner of his eye, Mick spots the Guinness Book of Records office further down the street.

Jaysus, he says, Im gonna go into dat office and Im gonna get me hands measured and off he staggers.

Ten minutes later he comes out with a big smile on his face, waving his hands in the air. I did it. I did it, he says. Im in de Guinness Book of Records for de smallest hands in the world. Nobodys got smaller hands dan me, he says and with that he pushes Kevin forward.

Go on, ye eejit. See if ye have de smallest feet in de world. Go on.

Feck it. I will, says Kevin and off he staggers.

Ten minutes later he too comes out with a big smile on his face, kicking his feet in the air.

Jaysus, Im famous, he says. Ive got de smallest feet in de world. Im famous, Im famous.

With that Sean staggers to the office door. Im gonna get me dick measured, he says. I wont be long.

The other two are waiting anxiously for Sean to return, but time slips by.

Ten minutes turns into 20 and 20 into 30. No sign of Sean. Forty
minutes go by and the office door opens.

Sean slouches out looking disconsolate. Who de feckin hell is Bill Gates? he says.