You Know Youre Drinking too Much Coffee When

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  • You dont sweat, you percolate.
  • Your lifes goal is to amount to a hill of beans.
  • When someone says, How are you?, you say, Good to the last drop.
  • Youd be willing to spend time in a Turkish prison.
  • Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyds of London.
  • Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.
  • You ski uphill.
  • You get a speeding ticket even when youre parked.
  • You speed-walk in your sleep.
  • You havent blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
  • You just completed another sweater and you dont know how to knit.
  • You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  • You sleep with your eyes open.
  • You have to watch videos in fast-forward.
  • The only time youre standing still is during an earthquake.
  • You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.
  • You lick your coffeepot clean.
  • You spend every vacation visiting Maxwell House.
  • Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  • You chew on other peoples fingernails.
  • The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
  • You can type 60 words per minute with your feet.
  • You can jump-start your car without cables.
  • All your kids are named Joe.
  • You dont need a hammer to pound in nails.
  • Your only source of nutrition comes from Sweet & Low.
  • You buy milk by the barrel.
  • Youve worn out the handle on your favorite mug.
  • You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  • You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  • Chuck Yeager thinks you need to calm down.
  • Youve built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers
  • People get dizzy just watching you.
  • Youve worn the finish off your coffee table.
  • The Tasters Choice couple wants to adopt you.
  • Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house.
  • Your taste buds are so numb, you could drink your lava lamp.
  • Youre so wired, you pick up AM radio.
  • People can test their batteries in your ears.
  • Instant coffee takes too long.
  • You channel surf faster without a remote.
  • You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee
  • You name your cats Cream and Sugar.
  • You speak perfect Arabic without ever taking a lesson.
  • Your Thermos is on wheels.
  • Your lips are permanently stuck in the sipping position.
  • You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  • You can outlast the Energizer bunny.
  • You short out motion detectors.
  • You have a conniption over spilled milk.
  • You dont even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  • Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
  • You think being called a drip is a compliment.
  • You dont tan, you roast.
  • You dont get mad, you get steamed.
  • You cant even remember your second cup.
  • You help your dog chase its tail.
  • You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.
  • You introduce your spouse as your coffeemate.
  • You think CPR stands for Coffee Provides Resuscitation.
  • Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

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