Maybe its true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.

Youre getting old when you dont care where your spouse goes, just as long as you dont have to go along.

Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work.

Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isnt that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds?

You know youre getting on in years when the women at the office start confiding in you.

Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, hes too old to go anywhere.

Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends and have begun to grow in the middle.

Of course Im against sin; Im against anything that Im too old to enjoy.

A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.

You know youre into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

At my age, getting a little action means I dont need to take a laxative.

Dont worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Youre getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

Youre getting old when youre sitting in a rocker and you cant get it started.

Youre getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent and you dont know till the 4th of July.

Youre getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling and you didnt do anything the night before.

The cardiologists diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.

Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.

Its hard to be nostalgic when you cant remember anything.