Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I call mine Sex. Sex has been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too.

Then I said, But this is a dog. He said he didnt care what she looked like. Then I said, You dont understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old. He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex.

He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, You dont understand, Sex keeps me awake at night. The clerk said, Me too.

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own tickets. But you dont understand, I said, I hoped to have Sex on TV. He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.

I said, Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married. The judge said, Me too. Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said Me too.

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked me, What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning. I said, I am looking for Sex.

My case comes up on Friday.