Old and New Jokes

Flatman and Ribbon.

The best advice for teenagers is, leave home now while you still know everything.

I really feel sorry for Madonnas baby, having to grow without a last name.

Is it a law of nature that women have to sneeze as soon as they apply their mascara?

The two biggest problems in America are making ends meet and making meetings end.

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way.

The money clip of the 90s will be a penny stuck in a paper clip.

One advantage Clinton has over past presidents is that doesnt have to worry about how much time he should spend on his re-election campaign.

La esposa se ausenta del hogar por algunos días porque debe ir a otra ciudad a cuidar a su madre enferma y deja a la empleada María Soledad al cuidado de la casa. Al retornar, pregunta a su hijo qué tal lo habían pasado, y éste dice:

El miércoles hubo una horrible tempestad con truenos, rayos y relámpagos, y a mí me dio tanto miedo que María Soledad vino y durmió con yo.

Conmigo, corrige el padre.

¡No, eso fue el jueves!

Q: How do you know if a lawyer is lieing



A: If his mouth moves.

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesnt seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ¡§My friend is dead! What can I do?¡¨ The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ¡§Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure hes dead.¡¨ There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guys voice comes back on the line. He says: ok, now what?

Remember the golden rule: Those that have the gold make the rules.

A Polish man finds a jeannie lamp on the beach, he rubs it and the jeannie
comes out and says: I grant you one wish.

He said to the jeannie, I want you to build me a bridge to Poland.

The jeannie said: No one can build a bridge that long,
you have to pick another wish.

He thinks for a minute and said: I want you to make all my family and friends in
Poland smart so people dont put them down.

The jeannie replies, How many lanes did you want on that bridge?

You are wasting your time.