15
Apr
Q: Did you hear heaven is going broke?
A: Yeah, Liberace is up there blowing all the prophets!
Liberace was a great pianist but he sucked on the organ.
Frank
reid@gold.bacs.indiana.edu
Archive for April, 2019
15
Apr
While practicing auto-rotations during a military
night training exercise a Huey Cobra screwed up
the landing and landed on the tail rotor. The
landing was so hard that it broke off the tail
boom. However, the chopper fortunately remained
upright on its skids, sliding down the runway
doing 360s.
As the Cobra slid past the tower, trailing a
brilliant shower of sparks, this was the radio
exchange that took place…
Tower: Sir, do you need any assistance?
Cobra: I dont know, tower, we aint done
crashin yet.
15
Apr
1. A few clowns short of a circus.
2. A few fries short of a happy meal.
3. The wheels spinning, but the hamsters dead.
4. All foam, no beer.
5. The butter has slipped off his pancake.
6. The cheese slid off his cracker.
7. Body by fisher, brains by Mattel.
8. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
9. Couldnt pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
10. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
11. As smart as bait.
12. Doesnt have all his dogs on one leash.
13. Her sewing machines out of thread.
14. One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
15. Her antenna doesnt pick up all channels.
16. His belt doesnt go through all the loops.
17. Proof that evolution can go in reverse.
18. Receiver is off the hook.
19. Not wired to code.
20. Skylight leaks a little.
21. She stayed on the tilt-a-whirl a bit to long.
22. Too much yardage between the goal posts.
23. Got a full 6 pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold them together.
24. A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
25. During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
26. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isnt coming.
27. She is so dense, light bends around her.
28. If brains were taxed, hed get a rebate.
29. Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
15
Apr
Three turtles stop in at a bar on a hot day for a beer. While theyre waiting they notice that it has started to rain.
Freddy, says the biggest turtle to the smallest, go home and fetch our umbrellas.
No, replies Freddy, because if I leave youll drink my beer.
Both of the other turtles promise they would never do such a thing, so Freddy grudgingly gets down from the stool and heads for the exit. Two weeks go by, as the turtles stare thirstily at Freddys untouched beer in front of them.
Finally one turtle says to the other, Oh, lets go ahead and drink Freddys beer. We can tell him it was never delivered.
A voice from up near the front of the bar says, If you do, Im not going home for the umbrellas!
15
Apr
You know a mans lying if his lips are moving. Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany. So many men – so many reasons not to sleep with any of them. Tell him youre not his type – you have a pulse. Never let your mans mind wander – its too little to be let out alone. Never sleep with a man whos named his willy. Go for younger men. You might as well – they never mature anyway A man who can dress himself without looking like Wurzel Gummidge is unquestionably gay. Men are all the same – they just have different faces so you can tell them apart. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable. Women dont make fools of men – most of them are the do-it-yourself types. If you wanted a committed man look in a mental hospital. If he asks what sort of books youre interested in, tell him cheque books. Boring men are like snot – they get up your nose. Always wear high heels, it makes it easier to look down on him. If he asks you if your faking it tell him no, your just practicing. Sadly, all men are created equal. There are a lot of words that you can use to describe men – strong, caring,loving – theyd be wrong – but you could still use them.
15
Apr
Why did the chicken run onto the football field?
Because the umpire called a foul.
15
Apr
A new two year degree is being offered at Life University…
Becoming a Real Man!
Thats right, in just six terms, you too can be a real man.
Please take a moment to look over the program outline:
FIRST YEAR
Autumn Schedule
MEN 101…Combating Stupidity
MEN 102…You too can do housework
MEN 103…PMS – Learn when to keep your mouth shut
MEN 104…We do not want sleazy underthings for Christmas
Winter Schedule
MEN 110…Wonderful Laundry Techniques
MEN 111…Understanding the female responses to getting in at 4 a.m.
MEN 112…Parenting: It doesnt end with conception
MEN 113…Get a life, learn to cook
Spring Schedule
MEN 120…How NOT to act like an asshole when youre wrong
MEN 121…Understanding your incompetence
MEN 122…You, the weaker sex
MEN 123…Reasons to give flowers
SECOND YEAR
Autumn Schedule
SEX 101…You CAN fall asleep without it
SEX 102…Morning Dilemma: If its awake, take a shower
MEN 201…How to stay awake after sex
MEN 202…How to put the toilet seat down
Winter Schedule
MEN 210…The remote control: Overcoming your dependencies
MEN 211…How NOT to act younger that your children
MEN 212…You too can be a designated driver
MEN 213…Honest – You dont look like Russel Wong – Especially naked
Spring Schedule
MEN 220…Omitting @#%! from your vocabulary
MEN 221…Fluffing the blanket after farting in not necessary
MEN 222…Real men ask for directions
MEN 223…Thirty minutes of begging is not considered foreplay
14
Apr
Excerpts from actual letters sent to landlords
Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
Will you please send a man to look at my water? It is a funny color and not fit to drink.
Would you please send a man to repair my downspout? I am an old-age pensioner and need it straight away.
14
Apr
Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional and employ faulty reasoning.
14
Apr
Democracy is that form of government where everybody gets what the majority deserves.