Old and New Jokes

Un hombre decide ampliar sus gustos culinarios y empieza por ir a un restaurante japonés después del trabajo. Se sienta y viene el mozo.

¿Qué platos me recomienda? le pregunta al japonés.

Le lecomiendo lata al limón

Bueno, tráigamela.

El japonés le sirve la lata al limón y el hombre disfruta de su plato, pensando que es lo mas exquisito que ha probado.

Contentísimo vuelve al otro día con un amigo y piden lo mismo. El sábado de noche vuelve al restaurante con su esposa y ambos piden la lata al limón.

A la semana siguiente va el su esposa y unos amigos, y se sientan en la mesa, cuando viene el mozo y el hombre le pide que traiga lo de siempre para cuatro personas. Pero el japonés le dice:

No va a podel sel, hoy no hacemos lata al limón polque lata está teniendo latitas.

If you never want to see a man again, say, I love you, I want to marry you, I want to have children… – they leave skid marks. — Rita Rudner

People dont care how much you know until they know how much you care.

Q: There are 17 blonds standing outside a disco but why couldnt they get in?
A: The sign said must be 18 to enter.

Bill Clinton got off his helicopter in front of the White House with a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said Nice pigs, Sir!

The President replied These are not pigs. They are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, Nice trade, Sir!

Three nuns were talking.

The first nun said, I was cleaning the Fathers room the other day and do
you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!

What did you do? the other nuns asked.

Well, of course I threw them all in the trash.

The second nun said, Well, I can top that. I was in the Fathers room
putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms.

Oh my, gasped the other nuns. What did you do? they asked.

I poked holes in all of them, she replied.

The third nun said, Oh shit.

Polish Air Lines flight 113 was descending for a landing at an

airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the

windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, Holy cow! Look

how short the runway is! Ive never seen one that short!

The copilot looked out the windshield. Wow! youre right! Thats

incredible! Are you sure we can make it? Well we better, were

almost out of fuel.

So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to

put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency

landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to

just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the

ragged edge of control. The pilots hands were sweating, the copilot

was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST

before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking.

WHEW! That was CLOSE! yelled the captain.That runway was SHORT!

Yeah! said the copilot,and WIDE too!

An older couple lay in bed, and the man, as he has done for the past 40 years, farts loudly.

The woman turns over and looks at him and says, One day you are going to fart your guts out. He nonchalantly responds, Nah.

Thanksgiving morning, only a few days later, the woman gets up early to start the dinner for that evenings festivities.

As she cleans the turkey a thought pops into her head. Still holding the turkey giblets she runs into their bedroom where her husband is still sleeping.

She gently pushes the contents of her hand into the back of her husbands underwear, then returns back to the kitchen to finish the preparations.

A few moments later she hears the usual morning fart, then a loud thump, footsteps running down the hall, and the bathroom door slamming.

She does nothing but smile knowingly, and waits for her husband to come into the kitchen.

Not long after he enters, he looks at his wife and says, Honey, you were right, I farted my guts out, but by the grace of God and these two fingers I got em shoved back up in there.

What is black, blue, red, and brown?

A Brewnette that has told to many Blonde Joke.

What does a brewnette always miss at a great party?

The invitation.

Why are blonde jokes so short?

So that brewnettes can understand them.

What is a fine lookin man with a brewnette?

A hostage.

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little boy next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The boy is wearing a fire fighters helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and a cat. The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look.

That sure is a nice fire truck, the fire fighter says with admiration.

Thanks mister,the boy says. The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the boy has tied the wagon to the dogs collar and to the cats testicles.

Little partner, the fire fighter says, I dont want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cats collar, I think you could go faster.

The little boy says, Youre probably right, mister, but then I wouldnt have a siren.