Old and New Jokes

Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible:

The first book of the Bible is Guinessis.

Noahs wife was called Joan of Ark.

Lots wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.

The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. (I used this one alot when I was a kid…wait…I still do!)

The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. (Used by Bill Clinton…Monica who?)

Moses died before he ever reached the UK. (Lucky for him that is.)

Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. (What…they launch their Depends at em?)

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.

King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. (and still alive and residing in Hackensack, N.J.)

Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. (Hey…he needed the extra pricks.)

The Jews were a proud people and, throughout history, they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals. (Hey testicle…I have headache. Aw SHUT UP an keep wandering!)

one day John got itching in his inner part of the thigh, he went to the chemist and asked for ITCHGUARD, Chemist give him VIAGRA and ITCHGUARD, John ask ITCHGUARD is OK but why VIAGRA?, Chemist tells him, Viagra will help in keeping the blanket up whole night,

For more Humor on Viagra visit the the site : http://www.viagrapunch.com/viagra_humour.html

Besides I love you, what three words does a wife want to hear most?

Ill fix it.

They recently discovered a smaller scroll hidden in the cylinder of the
first scroll of the ancient Biblical scriptures, believed to be the
actual first page of the Bible. When deciphered, it read:

Copyright (c) 300 B.C. God. All Rights Reserved
First scrawling First-Sunrise-After-Stonehenge-Keystone-
Is-Shadowed, 300 B.C.

All beings, places and events depicted in this work are
fictional, and any resemblance to actual beings, places
and events past, present or future is purely coincidental.

WARNING: Some of the actions performed in this work are
dangerous and should only be attempted by professionals
familiar with the action in question.

NOTE: Those tiny points of light in the sky when it gets dark
are called stars. Some of them do blow up on occasion. In
no way should this be construed as a sign that there is,
beneath such an explosion, any form of saviour. Should such a
misconstrual happen, the author will not be held responsible
for the avalanche of arrogance, zeal, bigotry, humanocentricity
and other vile acts which will surely follow the residents of
the planet into time eternal until someone sees fit to erase
the denizens of the world and let the author start over.

DSBN 0-000000-0000-1

Suggested retail: 1 sheep.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Jewish:

1. He went into his fathers business.

2. He lived at home until the age of

33.

3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he was God.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married.

2. He never held a steady job.

3. His last request was a drink.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Puerto Rican:

1. His first name was Jesus.

2. He was always in trouble with the law.

3. His mother wasnt married to his father.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hand.

2. He had wine with every meal.

3. He worked in the building trades.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everybody brother.

2. He had no permanent address.

3. Nobody would hire him.

Three Proofs that Jesus was Californian:

1. He never cut his hair.

2. He walked around barefoot.

3. He invented a new religion.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.

The architect said, “I enjoyed time with my wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said, “I enjoyed time with my mistress, because of the passion and mystery I found there.”

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?" they questioned.

The Engineer said, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Youve ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sisters honor.

Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job–primer red and primer gray.

The tobacco chewers in your family arent just men.

Josi frequently attends his church Bingo club, where every week a gag doorprize is given out. One week, Josi is presented with a toilet brush.

What the hell is this? he asks the pastor.

Why, its a toilet brush.

Ooh, I see, says Josi. A couple weeks later, the pastor jokingly asks Josi how the brush is working.

Well, its okay, but I think Ill go back to using paper.

El día de recreo en el convento, todas la monjitas se peleaban. En eso la madre superiora pregunta:

¿Qué es lo que está pasando?

Las monjitas responden que una de ellas no le prestaba la bicicleta a las demás. La madre superiora, enojada por lo que sucedía dice:

¡No se peleen más, porque si no le pongo el asiento!

If you receive an email entitled Crazy Times delete it immediately. Do not open it! Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

1) It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.



2) It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.





3) It reprograms your ATM access code, messes up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CDs you attempt to play.



4) It will re-calibrate your refrigerators coolness settings so all your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.



5) It will program your phone autodial to call only your mother-in-laws number.



6) This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.



7) It will drink all your beer.



It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are expecting company.



9) Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.



10) It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine, all while dating your current boy/girlfriend behind your back and billing their hotel rendezvous to your Visa card.



11) It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way that is only fun until someone loses an eye.



12) It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.



13) It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.



14) If the Crazy Times message is opened in a Windows 95 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub.



15) It will not only remove the tags from your mattresses and pillows, but it will also refill your skimmed milk with whole milk.



16) It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.



1 It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it to smell like dill pickles.(Remember Brut 33 ?)



It is insidious and subtle.



It is dangerous and terrifying to behold.



It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.



These are just a few signs of infection.