Old and New Jokes

Havent I seen you before? = Nice ass.

Im a Romantic. = Im poor.

I need you. = My hand is tired.

I am different from all the other guys. = I am not circumcised.I want a commitment. = Im sick of masturbation. Youre the only girl Ive ever cared about. = You are the only girl who hasnt rejected me. I really want to get to know you better. = So I can tell my friends about it. Shes kinda cute. = I wouldnt kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary.I dont know if I like her. = She wont sleep with me.I miss you so much. = I am so horny that my male roommate is starting to look good.Was it good for you? = Im insecure about my manhood.How do I compare with all your other boyfriends? = Is my penis really that small?I had a wonderful time last night. = Who the hell are you?Do you love me? = Ive done something stupid and you might find out. Do you really love me? = Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later. How much do you love me? = Ive done something really stupid and someones on their way to tell you by now. I have something to tell you. = Get tested.Ill give you a call. = Id rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.Ive been thinking a lot. = Youre not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I think we should just be friends. = Youre ugly.Ive learned a lot from you. = Next! Im on a long distance call, can you call me later? = I gotta turn on my answering machine.

Two blondes were stranded on an iceberg with only a telescope. One of the blondes was looking through the telescope and said, Were saved! Look, its the Titanic!

1. You get this round and the next round is on me.
Ill be leaving before the next round.

2. Ill get this round and the next one is on you.
Happy hour is about to end. Beers are now a dollar, but by the next round theyll be $3.50.

3. Hey, where is that friend of yours?
I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.

4. Can I get a glass of white zinfandel. (female)
Im easy.

5. Can I get a glass of white zinfandel. (male)
Im gay.

6. Ever try a body shot? (male to female)
I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.

7. Ever try a body shot? (female to male)
If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what Ill do to you on the ride home?

8. I dont feel well, lets go home. (female)
You are paying more attention to your friends than me.

9. I dont feel well, lets go home. (male)
Im horny.

10. Whos got the next round?
I havent bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.

(AP) The Energizer Bunny, known best for going and going and going… passed away last evening at 12:42am.

Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation.

Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming…

Foul play has not been ruled out.

The most successful lawyer in town had never made a contribution to the Red Cross. The chairman of the Red Cross, Mr. Wilson, called on the lawyer, hoping to convince him to make a donation.

You made over $600,000 last year but you havent given anything back to the community. How do you reconcile that?

The lawyer sighed, leaned forward and said, If you only knew…

My mother is terminally ill; her medical bills far exceed her income.

My brother is a disabled veteran, blind and in a wheelchair.

My sister is raising three children alone since her husband died in an auto accident.

Mr. Wilson offered his sympathy, admitting he had no idea there were so many demands on the lawyers profits.

The lawyer nodded and said, Exactly…

Why should I give to the Red Cross when I dont even give to my own family!

Bob received a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, Excuse me, is anyone sitting here? The man said No.

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!

The man replied, Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we havent been to together since we got married in 1967.

Thats really sad, said Bob, but still, couldnt you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?

No, the man replied, theyre all at the funeral!

Did you hear there is a new movie out about the Kennedys?

Its called Three Funerals and a Wedding.

Why English Teachers Are Important: The Words are the same. Only the punctuation changes…

Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when were apart. I can be forever happy–will you let me be yours?

Maria

Dear Thomas,

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When were apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be? Yours,

Maria

Pedro was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldnt find a parking place.Looking up toward heaven, he said Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up tequila.Miraculously, a parking place appeared.Pedro looked up again and said Never mind. I found one.

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee, & a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers pulled up. They came in, and one grabbed the truckers cheeseburger out of his hand and took a huge bite from it. The second biker drank the truckers coffee, & the third biker wolfed down the apple pie. The truck driver didnt say a word, just paid the cashier & left. When he was gone, the bikers snickered & congratulated each other for being such bad asses. As the cashier walked up, a biker growled, He aint much of a man is he? Hes not much of a driver neither, replied the cashier. He just backed his 18 wheeler over three motorcycles.