Old and New Jokes

17. If thou doth promise to reply to a message and thou doth not, then surely thou shalt spill coffee into thy keyboard and burn out thy central processing chip.

Last year a friend of mine upgraded from BoyFriend 1.0 to Husband 1.0 and found that its a memory hog, leaving very little system resources available for other applications.

She is now noticing that Husband 1.0 is also spawning Child Processors which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed her that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.

Not only that, Husband 1.0 installs itself such, that it is always launched at system initialization, where it can monitor all other system activity. Shes finding that some applications such as SpendingSpree 2.4, GirlsNight 3.5 and CocktailNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).

During installation, Husband 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-ins such as MotherInLaw 5.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

Some features shed like to see in the upcoming Husband 2.0 include:

1. A Yes Ill cook, clean etc. button.
2. An install shield feature that allows Husband 2.0 be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.

I myself decided to avoid the headache associated with Husband 1.0 by sticking with BoyFriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.

Apparently you cannot install BoyFriend 2.0 on top of BoyFriend 1.0; each program begins damaging the other. You must uninstall BoyFriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug that I should have known about. Youd think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now! To make matters worse, the uninstall program for BoyFriend 1.0 doesnt work very well, leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing–all versions of BoyFriend 1.0 continually popup little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Husband 1.0.

Bug Warning
Husband 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Lover 1.1 before uninstalling Husband 1.0, Husband 1.0 will delete MS Clothing allowance files, before doing the uninstall himself.

More applications that wont run with Husband 1.0 include Chippendale 2.0, Netballwatching 3.5, Suremoreshoes 6.0, and Cleanup 4.3.

Applications that run very well with Husband 1.0, however, include Bummingaround 1.0, Pubnight 2.3, Golfing 2.7, Pokernight 5.3, and Wanderingeyes 4.9.

Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: 60,000 dead and 300,000 injured.

Q: How many contrabassoon players does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Five. One to hold the bulb and the other four to figure out the fingerings.

Why did they stop doing the wave at BYU?

Too many blondes were drowning.

En plan de confidencia, Manolo le comenta a Venancio:

Oye, Venancio, sabes que mi mujer me ha engañado con un gallo.

¡Jo! ¿Y cómo sabes?

Porque he encontrado las plumas debajo de la cama.

¡Hombre, entonces mi mujer me engaña con un camión, porque he encontrado al chofer debajo de la cama.

Do you know the difference between a good year and 365 used condoms?

Answer: A fucking good year!!!!!

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000/game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game.

Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year,hell be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hrs a night, he makes $52,000 every night.

If he goes to a movie, hell pay $7.00, but hell make $18,550.

Hell make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000), it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, youd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

Next year, hell make more than 2X as much as past presidents for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isnt it?

…

BUT:

JORDAN WILL HAVE TO SAVE 100% OF HIS INCOME FOR 270 YEARS TO HAVE A NET WORTH EQUIVALENT TO THAT OF BILL GATES.

Bill Clinton was in an airplane and he told to his friend: You know, if a throw this 1000 bill, i could make very happy 1 man.

His friend told him:yes, but if you drop 2 bills of 500 you could make happy 2 guys.



One man who was listening all told them:thats true, but if I throw you both, i could make happy all the nation.

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, Your first job will be to sweep out the store.

But Im a college graduate, the young man replied indignantly.

Oh, Im sorry. I didnt know that, said the manager. Here, give me the broom back and Ill show you how it works.