You get this one, next round is on me.

(We wont be here long enough to get another round.)
Ill get this one, next one is on you.

(Happy hour is about to end…drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round theyll be $4.50 a pop.)
Hey, where is that friend of yours?

(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
Can I get a glass of white zinfandel. (female)

(Im easy.)
Can I get a glass of white zinfandel. (male)

(Im gay.)
Ever try a body shot? (male to female)

(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
Ever try a body shot? (female to male)

(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what Ill do to you on the ride home?)
I dont feel well, lets go home. (female)

(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
I dont feel well, lets go home. (male)

(Im horny.)
Whos got the next round?

(I havent bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
Excuse Me. (male to male)

(Get the hell out of the way.)
Excuse Me. (male to female)

(I am going to grope you now.)
Excuse Me. (female to male)

(Dont even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
Excuse Me. (female to female)

(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and dont think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or Ill slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)
What do you have on tap?

(Whats cheap?)
Can I have a white Russian? (male)

(Im *really* gay.)
Can I have a white Russian? (female)

(Im *really* easy.)
That person looks really familiar.

(Did I sleep with him/her?)
Can I just get a glass of water? (female)

(Im annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
I dont have my ID on me. (female)

(Im 19.)
I dont have my ID on me. (male)

(I dont have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)

http://www.people.cornell.edu/pages/bs16

http://members.xoom.com/bs16/

Their last big hit was the wall!

Bill Clintons 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit thyself!

Q: How many kindergarden kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: One, two, three… Mummy! can I use my toes?

Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?

MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary.

She was young, sweet and pretty.

One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.



When leaving the room she said, Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks door is open?



He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw his zipper was open.



He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked, By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see a soldier standing at attention?



The secretary who was quite witty said, Why no Mr. Smith.

All I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags.

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, Im going to become a lion tamer.

The other replies, Thats crazy, you dont know nothing about no lion taming.



Yes I do!



Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?



Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.



Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?



Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.



Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?



Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.



Well, what if that gun doesnt work? What will you do then?



Well, then I pick up some of the shit thats on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.



Well, what if there aint no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?



Well, thats dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun dont work, theres going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.

Q: How do you prick a Bobby?



A: With a Bobby Pin!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

11. Walk and talk backwards.

Astrology Laws: Its always the wrong time of the month. – Rozanne Weissman