When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?

The blonde said, I want 15 gallons. Im going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive.

The milkman replied, Oh, OK. Pasteurized?

The blonde looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said…
No. Just up to my boobs.

A bride and groom who had never had sex before were on their honeymoon. The groom, not wanting to upset his wife, warned her by saying, Honey, just so you know, Im hung like an infant. Oh sweetie, thats okay, she answered, I married you because I love you, not because of stuff like that.So the groom opens his robe. The brides face goes white, and she lets out a scream of fright.But honey, I warned you! the groom says, Like an infant…eight pounds, 21 inches!

There are three guys who are good friends. One is an American, one

is Polish, and one is Italian.

They are driving together one day when they get into a car accident. They all die and float up towards the gates of Heaven.

When they get there, an angel who tells them they are all on the border of Heaven and Hell. As a result, they have the choice to either ask a question of the angel or be asked a question. If they answer correctly, or if the angel answers incorrectly on their question, they will pass into Heaven.

The Italian guy goes first. He tells the angel to ask him a question. The angel says, How many grains of sand are there in the world? The Italian guy says, Um, four trillion? and falls straight to Hell.

The polish guy goes next and wants the angel toe ask a question. The angel says, How many drops of water are there in all of the worlds oceans? He says, Uh, ninety-eight billion? and also falls straight to Hell.

Finally, its the Americans turn. He tells the angel he will ask the

question, but he needs a pencil and paper. The angel snaps his fingers and it magically appears. The American proceeds to take the paper, makes hundreds of holes in it with the pencil and farts through it. He then asks the angel, Which hole did my fart go through? The angel replies, Thats easy, and points to a hole.

The American says…

No, it came out of this one! and points to his butt, and then goes to Heaven.

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the
average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician
claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained
that it was surprisingly high.

Ill tell you what, said the cynic, ask that waitress a simple math
question. If she gets it right, Ill pick up dinner. If not, you do.
He then excused himself to visit the mens room, and the other called
the waitress over.

When my friend comes back, he told her, Im going to ask you a question,
and I want you to respond one third x cubed. Theres twenty bucks in
it for you. She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. The
food was wonderful, thank you, the mathematician started. Incidentally,
do you know what the integral of x squared is?

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at
her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, Um, one third x cubed?

So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few
paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath,
…plus a constant.

For cat people everwhere – Enjoy 🙂

Rules for cats who have a house to run

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an outside door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season. Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so that it is as long as the humans bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything — just sit and stare.

IV. HAMPERING: If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called helping, otherwise known as hampering. Following are the rules for hampering:

When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim — to hamper! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

An old man and woman were married for years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most: "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"The neightbors believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed it. Then the man died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbors approached in a group to ask if she wasnt worried about this man who practiced black magic and swore he would dig his out of the grave to come back and haunt her for the rest of her life?The wife put down her drink and said, "Let the old guy dig. I had him buried upside down."

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled, so I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didnt suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.

Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, Is there anything else your wife doesnt use anymore?

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.

One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise, he didnt feel it. He dug around again, but there didnt seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldnt finish the job, and without the pay he couldnt even buy food for that nights supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldnt do it, she would have to hire someone else.

The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. Whats more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had!

Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man went over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did! The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion. Few people have ever heard these words…until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went: A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me.

When the husband came home from his job, he found his wife crying. Your mother insulted me, very much. she sobbed. My mother? How could she do that when shes on a vacation on the other side of the world?

I know. But this morning, a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it, because I was curious. And? At the end of the letter, it was written:

P.S. Dear Catherine, when youve read this letter, dont forget to give it to my son.

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