17
Jul
How do you open a can of beer?
Thats not the point – it should be open when she gives it to you!
Archive for July, 2019
17
Jul
Q: How many internet mail list subscribers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Exactly five hundred.
1 to change the light bulb and to post to the mail list that the light bulb has been changed.
7 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently or to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
17 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
21 to flame the spell checkers.
49 to write to the list administrator complaining about the light bulb discussion and its inappropriateness to this mail list.
20 to correct spelling in the spelling/grammar flames.
32 to post that this list is not about light bulbs and to please take this email exchange to alt.lite.bulb.
69 to demand that cross posting to alt.grammar, alt.spelling and alt.punctuation about changing light bulbs be stopped.
41 to defend the posting to this list saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this mail list.
106 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique, and what brands are faulty.
12 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
8 to post that the URLs were posted incorrectly, and to post corrected URLs.
2 to post about links they found from the URLs that are relevant to this list which makes light bulbs relevant to this list.
15 to concatenate all posts to date, then quote them including all headers and footers, and then add pointedly, Me Too.
6 to post to the list that they are unsubscribing because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
9 to quote the Me Toos and happily add, Me Three!
3 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.
1 to propose new alt.change.lite.bulb newsgroup.
24 to say this is just what alt.physic.cold_fusion was meant for, leave it here.
53 votes for alt.lite.bulb.
16
Jul
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Ray!
Ray who?
Rayders of the Lost Ark!
16
Jul
Chelsea asked her dad, Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time…? Bill Clinton replied, No. Some begin with After Im elected…
16
Jul
Un señor va por la calle y se encuentra con un amigo:
Hombre ¿qué tal estás? HacÃa mucho tiempo que no te veÃa.
El amigo le responde:
Muy bien, me casé, ¿y tú?
SÃ, yo también, y tengo dos hijas, Colgate y Profiden.
El amigo se queda impresionado, pero no dice nada. Luego agrega:
Yo tengo una hija y se llama MarÃa.
El otro, sorprendido, le responde:
¡Ahhhhh, como las galletas!
16
Jul
On the first day of school, a 3rd grade teacher told her class: Now that you are grown up, I dont want to hear anymore baby talk. Id like each of you to tell us what you did during the summer vacation. Well start with Billy.
Billy: I went on a long trip with my family in the putt-putt.
Teacher: No, Billy, its not a putt-putt. Its a car. No more baby talk. Sally, youre next.
Sally: We went on a trip on a choo-choo to see Grandma.
Teacher: Sally, its not a choo-choo. Its a train. Please no more baby words. Mikey, what did you do?
Mikey: I didnt go anywhere. I stayed home and read my favorite book.
Teacher: And whats the name of the book.
Mikey looked embarrassed and shook his head.
Teacher: Come on, Mikey. Youre a big boy now. Tell us the name of the book and dont use any baby talk.
Mikey looked up, blushed, and said: O.K. ….. Winne-the-Shit!
16
Jul
It was the final examination for an introductory Biology course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 500 students in the class!
The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Half of an hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.
Youre not going to have time to finish this, the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.
Yes I will, replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing. An hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.
No you dont, Im not going to accept that. Its late.
The student looked incredulous and angry.
Do you know who I am?
No, as a matter of fact I dont, replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.
Do you know who I am? the student asked again in a louder voice.
No, and I dont care. replied the professor with an air of superiority.
Good, replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.