An older man was married to a younger woman. After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack. The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex. He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex wasnt worth living. So he headed upstairs. He met his wife on the staircase and said, I was coming up to die.

She laughed and replied, I was coming down to kill you!

Especially hrony one night, Mark rolled over and nuzzled his wife.

How about it, honey…? he asked tenderly.

Oh, Mark, Ive got an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow, said his wife, going on to explain that the doctor had requested that she abstain from intercourse for twenty-four hours before an appointment.

Sam signed deeply and turned over to his side of the bed. A few minutes later he rolled back and asked hopefully, You dont have a dentist appointment too, do you?

Tim Shandy stepped into the Warm Spoon, a popular Galway tavern.
To Mike Callahan, the barkeep, Shandy said Mike, Ill be havin three
whiskeys.

Callahan set up three glasses and began to pour. Now, Timothy, its not
the usual thing for you to ask for three whiskeys. Its celebratin, you
are.

Ahh, ye know me too well, Micheal, ye do. Truth, and Im
celebrating me first blow job.

Callahan smiled benevolently and set a fourth glass on the bar. Now,
thats special, he said. For an old customer like yrself, heres a
fourth on the house, so I may be sharin your celebration with you.

Shandy shook his head, and replied Tis verra kind of ye, Micheal,
but Im thinkin if three wont get rid of the taste, four wont either.

What did the dog say when he sat on sandpaper?

Ruff!

Dick Cheney, President Bush and his father areflying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I couldthrow a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy." Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George Bush Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy." The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.

Q: Whats the difference between an african lion and OJ Simpson?

A: An african lion is an african lion, OJ Simpson is a lyin african!

McDonnell Douglas

AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

Important! Important!

Please fill out and mail this card within 10 days of purchase

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to develop
new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. Name
Mr.
Mrs.
Ms.
Miss
Lt.
Gen.
Comrade
Classified
Other

First Name

Initial

Last Name

Latitude

Longitude

Altitude

Password, Code Name, Etc.

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase?

F-14 Tomcat
F-15 Eagle
F-16 Falcon
F-19A Stealth
Classified

3. Date of purchase
Month Day Year

4. Serial Number

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

Received as Gift/Aid Package

Catalog Showroom

Sleazy Arms Broker

Mail Order

Discount Store

Government Surplus

Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas product you
have just purchased:

Heard loud noise, looked up

Store Display

Espionage

Recommended by friend/relative/ally

Political lobbying by Manufacturer

Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors which most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

Style/Appearance

Kickback/Bribe

Recommended by salesperson

Speed/Maneuverability

Comfort/Convenience

McDonnell Douglas Reputation

Advanced Weapons Systems

Price/Value

Back-Room Politics

Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

North America

Central/South America

Aircraft Carrier

Europe

Middle East

Africa

Asia/Far East

Misc. Third-World Countries

Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own, or intend to
purchase in the near future:

ProductOwnIntend to purchase
Color TV
VCR
ICBM
Killer Satellite
CD Player
Air-to-Air Missiles
Space Shuttle
Home Computer
Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all
that apply:

Communist/Socialist

Terrorist

Crazed (Islamic)

Crazed (Other)

Neutral

Democratic

Dictatorship

Corrupt (Latin American)

Corrupt (Other)

Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

Cash

Suitcases of Cocaine

Oil Revenues

Deficit Spending

Personal Check

Credit Card

Ransom Money

Travelers Check

12. What is your occupation?

Occupation You Your spouse
Homemaker
Sales/Marketing
Revolutionary
Clerical
Mercenary
Tyrant
Middle Management
Eccentric Billionaire
Defense Minister/General
Retired
Student

13. To help us understand our Customers lifestyles, please indicate
the interests and activities in which you and your spouse enjoy
participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest You Your Spouse
Golf
Boating/Sailing
Sabotage
Running/Jogging
Propaganda/Disinformation
Destabilizing/Overthrow
Default on Loans
Gardening
Crafts
Black Market/Smuggling
Collectibles/Collections
Watching Sports on TV
Wines
Interrogation/Torture
Household Pets
Crushing Rebellions
Espionage/Reconnaissance
Fashion Clothing
Border Disputes
Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future — as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies, governments,
extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION

Marketing Department

Military Aerospace Division

Q: What nationality are you if youre going to the bathroom?

A: European

Q: And what nationality are you if someones knocking on the door while youre going?

A: Youre a Russian.

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says Sorry, you know the law, youve got to go back across the border right now.

The Mexican man pleads with them, No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, Im going to make it hard for him and says Ok, Ill let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence.

The Mexican, of course, agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, The 3 words are Green, Pink and Yellow … Now use all them in 1 sentence.

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, Hmmm, Ok … The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?