16
Aug
You know how most packages say Open here. What is the protocol if
the package says, Open somewhere else?
Archive for August, 2019
16
Aug
A woman driver is heading down the expressway, when all of a sudden the woman sees a tree to her left, a tree to her right, and a tree directly in front of her, so she swerves and hits a guardrail.
Later, a cop arrives and ask her what happened, to which she replied,I saw a tree to my left, a tree to my right, and a tree directly in front of me!
The cop says, Maam, there ARE trees on both sides of the road, but the one you saw directly in front of you was your air freshener.
16
Aug
I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldnt come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.
I cant come in to work today because Ill be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.
I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.
Ive used up all my sick days…so Im calling in dead
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
The dog ate my car keys, So now I have to hitchhike to the vet.
16
Aug
Okay konspiracy lovers, the squadron leader for unmarked black helicopters has spilled the beans about the whole Foster Konspiracy:
It seems Bill Klinton (aka Devil Spawn, Klaytaxocchio, Billary, OurPhilanderInChief, etc.) Invited Vince FOSTER and Henry FOSTER over to the secret Hillary Condo for an evening which included consumption of large quantities of FOSTERs Lager followed by a trip to the FOSTERs Freeze for ice cream. Vince FOSTER got into an argument with Bill Klinton over the use of drug money laundered through the Whitewater accounts used to finance the construction of the aforementioned black helicopters. Vince FOSTER was done in by Hillarys personal OneWorldGovernmentGuard and spirited away, once again using the unmarked black helicopters.
Dr. FOSTERs involvement in the Konspiracy is even more astounding. It seems that OurPhilandererIn Chiefs ways have taken seed a couple of times and it has been Dr. FOSTERs job to find FOSTER homes for the illicit offspring. Of course all the abortions Dr. FOSTER performed were for Klaytaxocchios indiscretions.
The final question is motive. Why has Bill Klinton done all these dastardly deeds? The answer is surprisingly simple: It was to impress actress Jody FOSTER!
16
Aug
Quote from a recent meeting: We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done.
Quote from the Boss… I didnt say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.
A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves.
A direct quote from the Boss: We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.
My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. Thats because its unfamiliar territory.
My Boss said to me What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.
My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.
Hes given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit of a SPINE.
Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.
Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: Im sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!
HR Manager to job candidate I see youve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means youre under-qualified for our entry level positions.
Quote from telephone inquiry Were only hiring one summer intern this year and we wont start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss daughter finishes her summer classes.
16
Aug
College Classes For Men:
1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum?: You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If Its Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss I
7. If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Wont Bring It Back: Accepting Loss II
8. Going to the Supermarket: Its Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Lets Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When Youre About to Run Out of Toilet Paper!
14. Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to the Goodwill
15. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts
16. No, The Dishes Wont Wash Themselves: Knowing the 4 Limitations of Your Kitchenware
17. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!
18. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What Fourth Down and Ten Means
19. Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut
20. Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Dont Fall Under the Action/Adventure Category or selecting movies that dont star John Wayne on television
21. Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote
22. I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!: Why Women Laugh
23. Adventures in Housekeeping I: Lets Clean the Closet
24. Adventures in Housekeeping II: Lets Clean Under the Bed
25. I Dont Know: Be the First Man to Say It!
26. The Gas Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty
27. Directions: Its Okay to Ask for Them
28. Listening: Its Not Just Something You Do During Halftime
29. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesnt Mean You Can Fix It
16
Aug
Yup theyre gonna open some 300 Pizza huts back in the ole USSR. I can just
see the promotion campaigns:
With each pizza get a free glass from our Heroes of the Revolution
collection. Collect the RIGHT set…