Reported from the Ig Nobel prize ceremony, a take off of the Nobel Prize. Reprinted with out permission from mini-AIR.

Several tributes to the concept of Biodiversity were presented at the Ig Nobel ceremony. Thirteen-year old Kate Eppers, spokesperson for the Committee for Bacterial Rights, said:

We live in a diverse society. Our biggest ethnic groups are not the Asians, the Africans or the Caucasians. Our biggest ethnic groups are the Bacteria. I used to wash my hands every day. My mom made me. But then I learned about ethnic cleansing. Every time you wash your hands, you wipe out billions and billions of Bacteria. Thats not fair. Bacteria have rights, too. So lets be grown-ups about this. When mom asks you to wash your hands, just say No.

Further details – including shocking photos – will be posted in our web site (http://www.improb.com/) during the coming months.

1. When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
2. Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
3. Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
4. When its in your best interest, practice obedience.
5. Let others know when theyve invaded your territory.
6. Take naps and stretch before rising.
7. Run, romp, and play daily.
8. Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
9. Avoid biting, when a simple growl will do.
10. On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
11. On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.
12. When youre happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
13. No matter how often youre scolded, dont buy into the guilt thing and pout … run right back and make friends.
14. Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
15. Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
16. Be loyal.
17. Never pretend to be something youre not.
18. If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

    And Finally …

19. When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

Dos maricas conversan por teléfono:

¿Lalo?

Sí, Betito.

Oye, ¿y tú le sigues dando a pesar de todo el peligro que hay?

¡Ay, sí! Yo le doy con todo el que me lo pida, cariño…

Pero, ¿y no te da miedo eso del SIDA?

¡Ay, sí, pero no hay otra alternativa!

¿Por qué?

Porque si das el culo, te da SIDA, y si no lo das… ¡Se te oxida!

How did the sand get wet?

The sea weed!

It was that time during the Sunday morning service for the childrens sermon, and all the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said to her, That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?



The little girl replied, directly into the pastors clip-on microphone, Yes, and my Mom says its a Bitch to iron.

Collards is green, my dogs name is Blue, and Im so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze, softer than Blues and without all them fleas.



You move like the bass, which excite me in May, you aint got no scales but I luv you anyway.



Yore as satisfyn as okry, jist a-fryn in the pan, yore as fragrant as snuff right out of the can.



You have somea yore teeth, for which I am proud, I hold my head high when were in a crowd.



On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, Im in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.



Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.



Like a good roll of duct tape yore there fer yore man, to patch up lifes troubles and fix what you can.



Yore as cute as a June bug a-buzzin overhead, you aint mean like those far ants I found in my bed.



Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.



When you hold me real tight like a padded gun rack, my life is complete; aint nuttin I lack.



Yore complexion, its perfection, like the best vinyl sidin, despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin.



Me n yous like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank.



Some men, they buy chocolate, they git it at Wal-Mart, its romantic that way.



Some men git roses on that special day, from the cooler at Kroger. Thats impressive, I say.



Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth, diamonds are forever, they explain, suave and couth.



But for this man, honey, these wont do, cause yore too special, you sweet thang you.



I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds… ITS A NEW TROLLIN MOTOR!!



Luv, BUBBA

Zalls Laws: First Law – Anytime you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do will be wrong. Second Law – How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door youre on.

Overheard at the White House Super Bowl XXXII party:

For the last time, Bill. Its not pronounced Triple-X? Aye, aye!

You might be a redneck if…
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.

All the things my mother taught me:

My mom taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE –

If youre going to kill each other, do it outside – I just finished cleaning!

My mother taught me RELIGION –

You better pray that will come out of the carpet.

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:

If you dont straighten up, Im going to knock you into the middle of next week!

My mother taught me LOGIC:

Because I said so, thats why.

My mother taught me FORESIGHT –

Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case youre in an accident.

My mother taught me IRONY –

Keep laughing and Ill *give* you something to cry out.

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS –

Shut your mouth and eat your supper!

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM –

Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!

My mother taught me about STAMINA –

Youll sit there til all that spinach is finished.

My mother taught me about WEATHER –

It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS –

If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY –

If Ive told you once, Ive told you a million times – dont exaggerate!!!

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE –

I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION –

Stop acting like your father!

My mother taught me about ENVY –

There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who dont have wonderful parents like you do!