Im not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes, because I know Im not dumb… and I also know that Im not blonde.

– Dolly Parton
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.

– Erica Jong
I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I dont even want to do anything that feels GOOD for 36 hours.

– Rita Rudner
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, Ive done my job.

– Roseanne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog, or have a child. We cant decide to ruin our carpet, or ruin our lives.

– Rita Rudner
I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.

– Susie Loucks
This guy says, Im perfect for you, cause Im a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man. I said, Oh, a gay trucker?

– Judy Tenuta
Ive been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

– Wendy Liebman
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

– Erma Bombeck
Im not going to vacuum, til Sears makes one you can ride on.

– Roseanne
I would love to speak a foreign language, but I cant. So I grew hair under my arms instead.

– Sue Kolinsky
I found out why cats drink out of the toilet. My mother told me its because the water is cold in there. And Im like: How did my mother know THAT?

– Wendy Liebman
I think – therefore Im single.

– Lizz Winstead
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

– Elayne Boosler
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesnt itch.

– Gilda Radner
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.

– Maryon Pearson
Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel.

– Bella Abzug
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage anda career.

– Gloria Steinem
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.

– Gloria Steinem
Sometimes, I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door, and just visit now and then.

– Katharine Hepburn
Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.

– Baroness Edith Summerskill