HOW TO BEHAVE WHEN YOU DISCOVER YOUR DAUGHTER NECKING IN THE LIVING ROOM:

Wait until the young man has gone home, go into your daughters room and say to her as follows:

Miriam.

Oh, hi, Ma.

Miriam, I saw. I saw what you were doing in there.

Oh.

Miriam, who taught you this?

Oh, for Gods sake, Ma. Im a big girl now.

Miriam, we are decent people. We have always tried to teach you the right thing. How could you do this to us?

Ma, for Gods sake, I was only kissing …

Do you know what your father will do when I tell him? Do you?

No, but …

He will have a heart attack, thats what he will do. I promise you.

Look, Ma, you dont have to tell …

Not only that, just think what the neighbors would say if they knew.

Look …

For this I had to save your teeth straightened? For this I bought you contact lenses? For this I paid good money to have them teach you how to speak French?

Ma …

Ach, I dont know what to do with you.

(Pause)

My own daughter, a streetwalker.

(Pause)

If you have any consideration for your parents at all, youll do the only decent thing.

Whats that?

Youll leave this house and youll not come back until youre a virgin.

(By Dan Greenburg, How to be a Jewish Mother)