Its Holiday time. I suspect that anybody whos read rec.humor over
the last few years has probably seen this piece. Nonetheless, it
remains one of the best such bits, and for the estimated 6,000 of you
that dont read rec.humor, Im including it. It contains abusive
and obscene language, but its necessary.

As the holidays approach, I will be posting just a few jokes, mostly
Christmas related ones, as I expect most of you readers out there will
be leaving your computer terminals for airline terminals. As for me,
its my policy not to shop until the 24th. It makes it more exciting.

Remember to spend extravagantly, or youll have to listen to economists
talk about how consumer indicators are down for at least three months.
At least, thats how the mall manager explained it to me. And remember,
malls are what made America abandon its urban cores, turning them
into blighted slums that Yuppies could buy cheap. So be patronizing
to their retailers this season.

Have a good time, and wherever you go, dont forget the true meaning
of Christmas–the free travel vouchers you get when the airline bumps
you.

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 14, 1986

My Darling,

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a Partridge in a pear
tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldnt have been more surprised.
Youre an angel.

With all my love and devotion,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 15, 1986

Darling,

Today, the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine Two turtle
doves. Im delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are adorable and I
love you for them.

All my love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 16, 1986

Dear Fred,

Oh! Arent you the extravagant one? Now I really must protest. I dont
deserve such generosity as Three French hens. They are just darling but I
must insist, youve been too kind.

Love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 17, 1986

Dear Fred,

Today the postman delivered Four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful but dont you think enough is enough? Youre being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 18, 1986

Dearest Fred,

What a surprise! The postman just delivered the Five golden rings; one
for every finger. Youre just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those
birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 19, 1986

Dear Fred,

I couldnt believe my eyes this morning as I walked out onto the front
porch and there were Six geese a laying on my front steps. So youre back
to the birds again – huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep
them? The neighbors are complaining and I cant sleep through the racket.
I love your thoughtfulness, but –

Please Stop!

Cordially,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 20, 1986

Fred,

Whats with you and those fucking birds??? Today I received Seven swans
a swimming. What kind of a goddamn joke is this? These birds shit
all over the house and they never stop with that awful goddamn racket.
I cant sleep at night and Im a nervous wreck.

Stop your laughing damn you! Its not funny. Just knock it off with
those fucking birds, OK?????

Sincerely,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 21, 1986

OK Buster,

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with Eight
maids a milking?? Its not enough with all those birds and the 8 maids
milking, but they had to bring their goddamn cows! There is shit all over the
lawn and I cant even move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass!!

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 22, 1986

Hey Shithead,

What are you??? Some kind of sadist??? Now Ive got Nine pipers
playing and Christ do they play! They havent stopped chasing those maids
since theyve arrived this morning. The cows are getting upset and theyre
stepping all over the screeching fucking birds. What the hell am I going to
do?? The neighbors have already started a petition to have me evicted.

Youll get yours, bastard,

Agnes

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 23, 1986

You Rotten Prick,

Who in hell needs Ten ladies dancing?? I cant imagine why I call these
sluts ladies. Theyve been balling the pipers all night long. Now the cows
cant sleep and all the goddamn racket around here has given them diarrhea.
My living room is a river of shit! The Commisioner of Bldgs. has
subpoenaed me to give cause why the building should not be condemned!

Im sicking the police on you, asshole!

One who means it!!!

Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Ave.
Beaver Valley, CO
Dec. 24, 1986

Listen Fuckhead,

Whats with the Eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies??? Some
of these poor broads will never walk again. The pipers ravaged the maids,
gang-banged the ladies, and now are committing sodomy on the cows. All 23
birds are dead. They were trampled to death in the orgy. I hope youre
satisfied, you rotten vicious bastard!

I hate your guts, dumbshit,

Agnes

Law Offices
Badger, Bender & Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, IL
December 26, 1986

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift Twelve fiddlers fiddling which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. As you
no doubt have guessed, the destruction of her property was total. You are
advised that all future correspondence with our client should be cleared
through this office.

I feel compelled to warn you that if you should attempt to reach Miss
McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants of that institution have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a
warrant for your arrest.

Seasons Greetings,

J. Frank Cahole
Attorney