Old and New Jokes

Hammer – In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.



Screwdriver – The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.



Phillips Screwdriver – The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.



Pliers – A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.



Multi-Pliers – Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.



Electronic Stud Finder – An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.



Halogen Light – A work light that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area youre working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.



Cordless Drill – A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.



Cordless Telephone – The handymans 911.



Air Compressor – A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.



Chainsaw – Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.