RELATIONSHIPS

First of all, a man does not call it a relationship. He refers to it as a romance, or a period of dating, of going out, or, in some unfortunate circumstances, that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis.

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry, and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled All Men are Morons. Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. For six months, his ex may not hear from him, but then late on Saturday night/Sunday morning, he will call and say, I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and Ill never forgive you, and I hate you, and youre a total b**ch. But I want to let you know theres always a chance for us.

This is known as the I Hate You/I Love You drunken phone call. Ninety-nine percent of all men past the age of 21 have made this call at least once. Some men make a career of these calls. There are community colleges that offer extension courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.

SEX

Women prefer 30 to 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 to 45 seconds of foreplay, less if at all possible. For the man, driving back to her place is considered a part of foreplay.

MATURITY

Women mature at a much faster rate than men. Most 17 year old females can function as adults. Most 17 year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work.

HATS

Women look good in hats; men look like idiots.

GROCERIES

A woman knows how to shop for groceries. She makes a list of the things she needs, and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man does not shop on a frequent basis. He waits until the only items left in his refrigerator are an opened can of Schlitz and a half a lime. Then he goes grocery shopping.

A man buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampetts car on the Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10 items or less lane.

MAGAZINES

Mens magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Womens magazines also feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should no be seen by the light of day.

Men are turned on at the sight of a naked womans body. Naked men elicit laughter from women.

HANDWRITING

To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary, and they dot their is with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their ps and gs. It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman Even when shes dumping you, shell put a smiley face at the end of the note.

COMEDY

Lets say a small group of men and women are in a room, watching television, and an episode of the Three Stooges comes on. Immediately, the men will get very excited; they will laugh uproariously, and even try to imitate the actions of Curly, mans favorite stooge. The woman will roll their eyes and groan and wait it out.

BATHROOMS

A man has 6 items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, a razor, a bar of Dial soap and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical American womens bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Most men take only 2-3 minutes to relieve themselves. Womens Restrooms always have long lines.

GOING OUT

When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she will be ready, as soon as she finds her other earring, makes one phone call and finishes putting on her makeup.

CATS

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women arent looking, men abuse cats.

SHOES

When preparing for work, a woman will put on a Mondi wool suit, and then slip in Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Sacks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk. A man will wear one pair of shoes for the entire day.

LEG WARMERS

Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if shes walking the dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can wear them any time she wants. A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for the Gimme the Ball number in A Chorus Line.

MIRRORS

Men are vain; they will check themselves out in the mirror. Women are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface, mirrors, spoons, store window, toasters, Joe Garagiolas head.

MENOPAUSE

When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction — he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE

Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

LOW BLOWS

Lets say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on television. One of the figures is felled by a low blow. The woman says, Oh gee, that must hurt. The man doubles over and actually feels the pain.

DIRECTIONS

If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions. Men consider this to be a sign of weakness. Men will never stop and ask for directions. Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying things like, Looks like Ive found a new way to get there. and, I know Im in the general neighborhood. I recognize that White Hen store.

ADMITTING MISTAKES

Women will sometimes admit making a mistake. The last man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

RICHARD GERE

Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous way. Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.

NICKNAMES

With the exception of female body builders, who call each other names like Ultimate Pecs and Big Turk, women eschew the use of nicknames. If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle get together for lunch, they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah, and Michelle. But if Mike, Dirk, Clint, and Jack go out for a brewski, they willaffectionately refer to one another as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Brain, and Useless.

TOYS

Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly and impractical. Examples of mens toys: little miniature TVs. Car phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 D batteries to operate.

PLANTS

A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

MUSTACHES

Some men look good with mustaches. Those men are Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds. There are no women who look good with mustaches.

CAMERAS

Men take photography very seriously. Theyll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course women always end up taking better pictures.

LOCKER ROOMS

In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they dont know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room — sex. And not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

LAUNDRY

Women do the laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were really hip about eight years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatsuit inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain of dirty clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat, but this is only a myth perpetuated by old reruns of Love American Style.

POLITICS

Men love to talk politics, but often they forget to do political things such as voting. Women are very happy that another generation of Kennedys is growing up and getting into politics because they will be able to campaign for them and cry on election night.

WEDDINGS

When reminiscing about weddings women talk about the ceremony. Men talk about the bachelor party.

CHEERLEADERS

Female cheerleaders are cute, sexy, fresh, and all American. Male cheerleaders are scary.

SOCKS

Men are sensible about socks. They wear argyle socks or standard white sweatsocks. Women wear strange socks. Socks with pictures of clouds on them. Socks that are cut way below their ankles. Socks that have little fuzzy balls on the back.

GARAGES

Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers. Men use garages for many things. They hang license plates in garages, and they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

MOVIES

For women their favorite movie scene is when Clark Gable kisses Vivien Leigh for the first time in Gone With the Wind. For men its when Jimmy Cagney shoves grapefruit in may Clarks face in Public Enemy.

JEWELRY

Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing one ring and thats it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

THE MOST IMPORTANT DIFFERENCE OF ALL

Colored underwear. Women are allowed, in fact encouraged, to wear colored underwear. There is no reason for a man to ever, ever, wear anything besides solid white.