Rejected Hallmark Cards:

So your daughters a hooker, and it spoiled your day… Look at the bright side, shes a really good lay.

My tire was thumping… I thought it was flat… when I looked at the tire… I noticed your cat… Sorry.

You had your bladder removed and youre on the mends… heres a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.

Youve announced that youre gay, wont that be a laugh, when they find out youre one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! Cause when I had mine I got real snippy.

Heard your wife left you… How upset you must be… But dont fret about it… She moved in with me.

Your computer is dead… it was once so alive Dont you regret installing Windows 95?

You totalled your car… and cant remember why… could it have been… that case of Bud Dry?