We had a great neighborhood watch going when I was a kid … until she closed her curtains.
Hes what every woman wants – strong, sensitive … battery operated!
There is no truth in the rumor that Roy Rogerss horse Trigger sued him for palomino-mony.
Chap with a fetish walks into a sex shop and asks So hows the leather been lately?
The latest product on the market in the continuing war against white ants – its called Arson.
Unfortunately, since I went on the wagon, the wagon went and got a liquor licence.
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Marriage – natures way of stopping people fighting with strangers.
OK, so God made Heaven and Earth. But what has he done recently?
Graffiti Dyslexics of the world – untie!
My grandfather died peacefully in his sleep. Which is more than I can say for the three passengers he had in his car at the time.
My friend is so full of self-importance – when he dies, he wants his mail forwarded.
My friend is master of the English language. Hes the only bloke I know who can describe Pamela Anderson and Dolly Parton without using his hands!
I eat from the three major food groups McDonalds, Wendys and Pizza Hut.
I always keep a coathanger in the glove box – just in case I locked my keys in the car.
When a girl says No she really means Yes, but not with you.
To err is human … to really screw up something up takes a computer.
Sure you cant take it with you. But you can stash it where no other bastard can find it.
I cant wait to get really old – then I can actually pick my nose in public.
Dumb? Hes so dumb whenever he leaves his car he leaves the windows down so he wont lock himself out.
My father never liked me. As a kid wed play trains – he used to tie me to the tracks!
My father used to give me bath toys like electric toasters and hair dryers.
When I was a teenager it took me a lot of time to work up the courage to ask the chemist for a packet of condoms. Now it takes me even longer to choose which color.
Women! First they marry you for your money … then they divorce you for it!
I told her Id take her on a ocean cruise – she said shed rather have Tom Cruise.
My wife says my sex drive has taken up walking.
I told my wife I want to die in bed. She said, You did last night – three times!
Hes just a bit kinky – only went through nursing school so he could wear white pantyhose.
We were having such a romantic afternoon making love in the back of the Mercedes – then they kicked us out of the showroom.
Im gradually getting my body back into shape – at least twice a week I think about doing some exercise.
Loser? Hes such a loser he says he was forced to have sex in a hotel room against his will. Problem was he alone.
My wife had a sex change…Now its Wednesdays and Saturdays instead of Tuesdays and Fridays.
You know when your losing youre figure when you come home and find your husband wearing your bra and panties – and he looks better in them.
Ugly? Shes so ugly in the school play she played the hunchback of Notre Dame…without make-up.
My mother-in-law told me exercise helps burn off the calories. I told her a flamethrower would be quicker.
We have a self-cleaning refrigerator – she leaves stuff in there so long, it eventually crawls out under its own steam.
My psychiatrist says Im manic-depressive – I have mixed feelings about that.
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mums wise words – Dont pick that up, you dont know where its been.
He was an unwanted child – his parents gave him plastic bags to play with.
Enough is enough – unless of course youre a nymphomaniac!