Christmas controversies & various solutions

CONTROVERSY: Should the tree be real or fake?
YUPPIE:Live tree, planted after use
MALE:Fake tree, discarded after use
FEMALE:Grow tree in house, adorned with fruits
REALITY:Fake tree stays up until May, adorned with furballs
CONTROVERSY: Should tree lights twinkle or stay constant?
YUPPIE:Each bulb blinks to its own random rhythm
MALE:Bulbs flash logo of football team
FEMALE:Elegant flickering candles
REALITY:Tree bursts into flames, burns house down
CONTROVERSY: Should tree be topped with an angel or a star?
YUPPIE:Gender-neutral angel; no submissive female stereotype
MALE:Blonde angel, kneeling, in a wet T-shirt
FEMALE:Authentic angel explains true meaning of Christmas
REALITY:Hells Angel steals the tree and the gifts
CONTROVERSY: Do ya fling or hang tinsel?
YUPPIE:Empower each strand w/self-determining skills
MALE:Six large clumps of tinsel on front of tree
FEMALE:Each icicle hangs like strand of spaghetti
REALITY:More icicles on floor than on tree
CONTROVERSY: Do ya open gifts on Christmas Eve or Morning?
YUPPIE:Gifts opened on posted, individual schedules
MALE:Anytime, just so it doesnt interfere with football
FEMALE:Anytime the entire family is present
REALITY:Doesnt matter, everyones peeked anyway
CONTROVERSY: Ham or Turkey for Christmas Dinner?
YUPPIE:Baked Tofu Balls stuffed with wheat germ
MALE:Anything, as theres plenty of both it and beer
FEMALE:A meal the entire family plans and prepares
REALITY:Chinese carry-out or McDonalds