Christmas in West Virginia

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin, cept the lice on muh back.
The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were sleepin, all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like Is on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh grannys transmission.The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin.
Muh daughter werent home yet, she wuz still out parkin.When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin and sick
I said, Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called em by name.Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole Santa looked just like Boss Hog.He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that mornings hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that hed picked up in Nam.His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I aint seen one that big since muh e

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