Clarification Of Corporate Lingo

Employers Lingo:

COMPETITIVE SALARY We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE We dont pay enough to expect that youll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED Youll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON If youre old, fat or ugly youll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE Weve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE Youll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST Youre walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS Youll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Employees Lingo:

IM EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: Ive used Microsoft Office.

IM HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES I hope you dont ask me about all the McJobs Ive had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK I blame others for my mistakes.

IM PERSONABLE I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

IM EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE Ive changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO Im never at my desk.

IM HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED The minute I find a better job, Im outta there.