Bell Labs Proves Existence of Dark Suckers

For years it has been believed that electric bulbs emitted light. However,
recent information from Bell Labs has proven otherwise. Electric bulbs dont
emit light, they suck dark. Thus they now call these bulbs dark suckers.

The dark sucker theory, according to a Bell Labs spokesperson, proves the
existence of dark, that dark has mass heavier than that of light, and that dark
is faster than light. The basis of the dark sucker theory is that electric bulbs
suck dark. Take for example the dark suckers in the room where you are. There is
less dark right next to them than there is elsewhere. The larger the dark
sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark suckers in a parking lot
have a much greater capacity than the ones in this room. As with all things,
dark suckers dont last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer
suck. This is proven by the black spot on a full dark sucker. A candle is a
primitive dark sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after
the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been
sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle,
the tip will turn black because it got in the path of the dark flowing into the
candle. Unfortunately, these primitive dark suckers have a very limited range.

There are also portable dark suckers. The bulbs in these cant handle all of the
dark by themselves, and must be aided by a dark storage unit. When the dark
storage unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable
dark sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a dark sucker, friction from this mass
generates heat. Thus it is not wise to touch an operating dark sucker. Candles
present a special problem, as the dark must travel in the solid wick instead of
through glass. This generates a great amount of heat. Thus it can be very
dangerous to touch an operating candle. Dark is also heavier than light. If you
swim deeper and deeper, you notice it gets slowly darker and darker. When you
reach a depth of approximately fifty feet, you are in total darkness. This is
because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light
floats to the top.

The immense power of dark can be utilized to mans advantage. We can collect the
dark that has settled to the bottom of lakes and push it through turbines, which
generate electricity and help push it to the ocean where it may be safely
stored. Prior to turbines, it was much more difficult to get dark from the
rivers and lakes to the ocean. The Indians recognized this problem, and tried to
solve it. When on a river in a canoe traveling in the same direction as the flow
of the dark, they paddled slowly, so as not to stop the flow of dark, but when
they traveled against the flow of dark, they paddled quickly so as to help push
the dark along its way.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in
an illuminated room in front of a closed, dark closet, then slowly open the
closed door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet, but since the dark
is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

In conclusion, Bell Labs stated that dark suckers make all our lives much
easier. So the next time you look at an electric bulb remember that it is indeed
a dark sucker.