10
Apr

Diary of an AOL User

July 18 I just tried to connect to America Online.
Ive heard it is the
best online service I can get. They even included a free disk! Id better
hold onto it in case they dont ever send me anther one! I cant connect.
I dont know what is wrong.

July 19 Some guy at the tech support center says my
computer needs a
modem. I dont see why. Hes just trying to cheat me. How dumb does he think
I am?

July 22 I bought the modem. I couldnt figure out where it
goes. It wouldnt fit in the monitor or the printer. Im confused.

July 23 I finally got the modem in and hooked up. that nine year
old next door did it for me. But it still doesnt work. I cant get online.

July 25 That nine year old kid next door hooked me up to America
Online
for me. Hes so smart. I told the kid he was a prodigy. But he says thats
just another service. What a modest kid. Hes so smart and he does these
services for people. Anyway hes smarter then the jerks who sold me the
modem. They didnt even tell me about communications software. Bet they
didnt know. And why do they put two telephone jack holes in the back of a
modem when you only need one? And why do they have one labeled phone when
you are not suppose to hook it to the phone jack on the wall? I thought
the dial tone sounded funny! Boy, are modem makers dumb! But the kid figured
it out by the sound.

July 26 Whats the internet? I thought I was on America Online.
Not this internet thing. Im confused.

July 27 The nine year old kid next door showed me how to use this
America
Online stuff. I told him he must be a genius. He says that he is compared
to me. Maybe hes not so modest after all.

July 28 I tried to use chat today. I tried to talk into my
computer but nothing happened. maybe I need to buy a microphone.

July 29 I found this thing called usenet. I got out of it
because Im connected to America Online not usenet.

July 30 These people in this usenet thing keep using capital
letters.
How do they do that? I never figured out how to type capital letters.
Maybe they have a different type of keyboard.

JULY 31 I CALLED THE COMPUTER MAKER I BOUGHT IT FROM TO COMPLAIN
ABOUT
NOT HAVING A CAPITOL LETTER KEY. THE TECH SUPPORT GUY SAID IT WAS THIS CAPS
LOCK KEY. WHY DIDNT THEY SPELL IT OUT? I TOLD HIM I GOT A CHEAP KEYBOARD
AND WANTED A BETTER ONE. AND ONE OF MY SHIFT KEYS ISNT THE SAME SIZE AS THE
OTHER. HE SAID THATS A STANDARD. I TOLD HIM I DIDNT WANT A STANDARD
KEYBOARD BUT ANOTHER BRAND. I MUST HAVE HAD AN IMPORTANT COMPLAINT BECAUSE I
HEARD HIM TELL THE OTHER SUPPORT GUYS TO LISTEN IN ON OUR CONVERSATION.

AUGUST 1 I FOUND THIS THING CALLED THE USENET ORACLE. IT SAYS
THAT IT CAN
ANSWER ANY QUESTIONS I ASK IT. I SENT IT 44 SEPARATE QUESTIONS ABOUT THE
INTERNET. I HOPE IT RESPONDS SOON.

AUGUST 2 I FOUND A GROUP CALLED REC.HUMOR. I DECIDED TO POST THIS
JOKE
ABOUT THE CHICKEN THAT CROSSED THE ROAD. TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE! HA! HA!
I WASNT SURE I POSTED IT RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 56 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 3 I KEEP HEARING ABOUT THE WORLD WIDE WEB. I DONT NOW
SPIDERS GREW THAT LARGE.

AUGUST 4 THE ORACLE RESPONDED TO MY QUESTIONS TODAY. GEEZ IT WAS
RUDE. I
WAS SO ANGRY THAT I POSTED AN ANGRY MESSAGE ABOUT IT TO REC.HUMOR.ORACLE. I
WASNT SURE IF I POSTED RIGHT SO I POSTED IT 22 MORE TIMES.

AUGUST 5 SOMEONE TOLD ME TO READ THE FAQ. GEEZ THEY DIDNT HAVE
TO USE PROFANITY.

AUGUST 6 SOMEONE ELSE TOLD ME TO STOP SHOUTING IN ALL MY MESSAGES.
WHAT
A STUPID JERK. IM NOT SHOUTING! IM NOT EVEN TALKING! JUST TYPING! HOW CAN
THEY LET THESE RUDE JERKS GO ON THE INTERNET?

August 7 Why have a Caps Lock key if youre not suppose to use
it? Its probably an extra feature that costs more money.

August 8 I just read this post called make money fast. Im so
exited.
Im going to make lots of money. I followed his instructions and posted it
to every newsgroup I could find.

August 9 I just made my signature file. Its only 6 pages long. I
will have to work on it some more.

August 10 I just looked at a group called alt.aol.sucks. I read
a few
posts and I really believe that aol should be wiped off the face of the
earth. I wonder what an aol is.

August 11 I was asking where to find some information about
something.
Some guy told me to check out ftp.netcom.com. Ive looked and looked but I
cant find that group.

August 12 I sent a post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking
where the ftp.netcom.com is. hopefully someone will help. I cant ask the kid
next door. His parents said that when he comes back from my house hes
laughing so hard he cant eat or sleep or do his homework. So they wont let
him come over anymore. I do have a great sense of humor. I dont know why
the rec.humor group didnt like my chicken joke. Maybe they only like dirty
stuff. Some people sent me posts about my 56 posts of the joke and they
used bad words.

August 13 I sent another post to every usenet group on the Internet
asking where the ftp.netcom.com is. I had forgot yesterday to include my new
signature file which is only 8 pages long. I know everyone will want to
read my favorite poem so I included it. Im also going to add that short story I
like.

August 14 Some guy suspended my account because of
what I was doing. I told him I dont have an account at his bank. Hes so
dumb.

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