If at first you dont succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you dont get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is inversely proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the difficulty of the reach.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time youll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one youve never tried before.

Change is inevitable … except from vending machines.

Dont sweat petty things … or pet sweaty things.

A fool and his money are soon partying.

Money cant buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse – itll be a great trade!

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least its the scenic route.

Everybody repeat after me … We are all individuals.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasels arent sucked into jet engines.

Borrow money from pessimists – they dont expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you dont succeed, then skydiving definitely isnt for you!