Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? Im halfway through my fish sandwich and I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner!

– Lynda Montgomery

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

– Johnny Carson

Sometimes I think war is Gods way of teaching us geography.

– Paul Rodriguez

And from George Carlin…

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

If a no-armed man has a gun, is he armed?

If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?

If firefighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

If you put a slinky on an escalator, would it go forever?

If all babies are cute why are there so many ugly people in the world?

Whats another word for thesaurus?

If you cross a four leaf clover with poison ivy, would you get a rash of good luck?

Who is more foolish, the fool, or the fool who follows him?

When Dr. Kevorkian watches ER does he root against the doctors?

Why do they have Braille number pads at drive-through bank machines?

Is it ok to go door-to-door selling No Soliciting signs?

If it was a 3 hour cruise, why did Mrs. Howell have so many clothes?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If a book about failures doesnt sell, is it a success?

Why is back pain medication always on the bottom shelf?

If talk is cheap, why is my phone bill so high?

If someone comes up to you and tells you that theyre an obsessive compulsive liar, how do you know theyre telling the truth?

How can you tell if Don King is having a bad hair day?

Should bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how do you know if its wrong?

Do bleached blondes just pretend to have more fun?

Did the early settlers ever go on camping trips?

Why are the other lines always moving faster-until you get into one of them?

How can a person get a life sentence & be eligible for parole in 15 years?