I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldnt come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

I cant come in to work today because Ill be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.

I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

Ive used up all my sick days…so Im calling in dead

The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

The dog ate my car keys, So now I have to hitchhike to the vet.